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My son and I attend concerts together.
Death Metal, Black Metal Scream Metal Grindcore and on and on...
It's one of the best ways I have to be involved in his life-
-to remain relevant. It's also on the best ways I have to get into open up during a
time in his life where he may want to shut out the world.
Teenagers... PFFT. Indeed at times I have to rip headphones out of his ears Just to get his
attention.
I don't mind him listening to music at full volume but every once in awhile I
like to have
his attention. So I find a concert.
I love the same music he does, or should I say -
- I unfairly influenced him to love metal all it's glory.
Raising this kid is one of the best learning experiences in my life.
He walks around his mother's apartment with his pants sagging off his ***.
There's a belt there... just for show I guess? He has that same pair of
headphones twined in
unkept hair, under a hat that appears never to have been worn.
What is that ***? It's like they take it off the rack
just to drop it on their heads. He has and iPod
that's constantly in his face beeping insane information at him
and blasting Asking Alexandria or something like that.
So part of me doesn't get him or the next generation...
...but I do get the music, I definitely get the music.
I've got to find a way to talk to him about me, and about why
his mother and I are no longer married. Specifically the fact that I'm gay.
I don't know how I'll take it. I'm afraid of all the things that might go wrong.
How do you tell your son that you're gay?
I mean, it can't be easy. I tell them I have tickets to see in flames tonight.
Taking the ear buds said his ears he says:
" What? " at excessively high volume as if we're already at the concert.
" I said I have tickets to see in flames tonight ".
his eyes wide he says " *** yeah ".
" watch your mouth around your sister ". " okay -"
-" *** yeah ", he says again under his breath Pick your battles.
Pick your battles. I ask, " what do you want to eat before? " But the headphones are
already back in his ears before he can hear me.
An hour before the concert were stuffing our faces with burgers and
fries.
I tell him you need eat a lot before so you don't get tired during the middle.
" I know dad we've been to like a million concerts ".
" Its nine by my count ", we go through them and count them. Megadeath, Trivium
Unearth, Suicide Silence, Veil of Maya Asking Alexandria, inflames once before,
Attack Attack
and iwrestledabearonce not including all the opening acts which would raise
the number to the fifties possibly, but
still not a million. " was that the one where the guy fell flat on its face at -
- the end -
- of the crowd surf? " " yeah it was ".
and we both began to laugh hard. " That was awesome ".
The laughing ties down and I think to myself
Is it time? I say, " You know..."
and then I lose my courage. " What? "
" Are you alright? " " Yeah why? " " Just asking ".
" Is there anything you wanna talk about? Girls? -
- anything? " He says, " Dad. "
in that way the emotes lameness. " Um-
- alright...". There is a hush as the lights go down.
Two hundred men all crammed small space awaiting
a low C beat that thumps and moves the skulls and bones.
It's anger expressed in voice and words that drives us UP.
what more could you ask for? I hop up and down to
my blood moving. Yeah I'm one of those guys.
This is the way the music moves. Kidd has a ***-eating grin on his face that is
unforgettable.
When I was a Christian...
I used to try to fix him, lift your chin up, stop swearing,
do your homework, brush your teeth, clip your nails, tie your shoes,
and dammnit! Pull up your pants! You look like an
idiot! Sorry kid. This moment is too great to be lost in the
ether of the past. " Hey is that your brother? "
Some guy asks Kidd ". " No that's my dad ".
" you took your kid to a death metal concert ". " yeah ".
" My dad wouldn't do that *** you're like the -
- best dad ever ". " No, I'm modest ".
I point to Anders on stage. " Anders has kids? "
" Yeah I think all of them do ". and I'm happy.
I'm amongst men and women giving up their cares for a few hours.
We expend the anger in sweat and waves, in movement, in unison.
" Hey kid? You wanna crowd surf? " The guy punches my arm and says:
" What say you dad? Lift him up? " Pick my kid up and toss him onto a bunch of awaiting -
groping hands to be moved and about and possibly injured?
" Sure why not? "
So the guy and I lift him up and toss him up onto awaiting hands
that lift him and carry him to the front. He is dropped safely into
security guards hands. On its feet again -
he comes running back wading through the crowd. " Can I do it again? "
" Oh, okay ". " cool! " The last song is
" Take this life " and then they say goodbye.
We all leave in a mess... tired.
The whole place stinks sweat and beer What a night.
What a good night. The car ride home is so quiet.
We're both so exhausted. I just think:
I'm the father, the man you look up to.
Who loves you unconditionally, unlike those were taught to worship.
I will never condemn you. I just want to know:
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you in love with anyone?
what does that frigging phone tell you
that I can't? How would you feel if you know that I'm different?
I say with my hands on the steering wheel, and my face forward,
I say, " You know that I am g-"
" Yeah I know ". " You know? " " Yeah that's okay ".
" Really? " Then he returns his attention back to the brain sucking device.
What more could I ask for?