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Valentine's day
When couples
take one special day
to express their love
for each other.
For couples with kids,
Valentine's day can be a
different story.
Happy Valentine's day.
Yep.
And this year
didn't hold the promise
of being any different.
Uh-oh.
Is it Valentine's day?
I owe you flowers.
Yeah,
relax.
It's not till Saturday.
Help!
Brick forgot
he had to bring valentines
to his social group tomorrow.
The odd
squad's celebrating Valentine's day, huh?
That oughta be fun.
Mike.
A few weeks ago,
brick's teacher suggested
he join a group
that helped kids like him
learn better social skills.
I'm not sure
how well it was working.
Do you want to play Ker Plunk?!
No, thanks.
Brick, remember,
we make eye contact
when we're talking to a friend.
Sorry.
No, thanks.
Here we go.
Four perfectly good ones.
Buzz Lightyear,
Powerpuff Girls,
Pretty Pretty Princess
and a dove.
This is a sympathy card.
Well, slap a heart
on the "sorry for your loss,"
and we're good to go.
Hey, you
guys got a minute? Excellent.
On "v" day, I'm taking out
this chick Kristen
A senior, freakishly hot.
Wait, what happened to Kate?
God, we broke up,
like, three months ago.
Read my Facebook status.
Anyway, here's the plan.
I pick her up, I say,
"we're just going for burgers,"
she's a little disappointed,
then I drive past the burger
place to the red lantern,
she's like, "what?"
I'm like, "yeah!"
We get to the table,
a dozen red s, I'm in.
In?
What do you mean, "in"?
You know.
I figure $100
will cover it, $120 with gas.
What do you say? Dad?
I say no.
Seriously?!
God, I figured once you heard
how awesome my plan was,
you'd want to donate.
I mean, you were young once,
before you got old and lame, but
whatever.
Hi, mr.
.
And mr Heck.
In order to understand
our reaction, you need to know
a few weeks ago,
Carly looked like this
Hi, mr.
.
And mr Heck.
Is Sue here?
Notice anything different
about Carly?
Yeah!
She got her braces off.
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah,
now that you mention it
Wow, yeah.
I-I-I thought
something was different.
She is so lucky, isn't she?
She got a glow-in-the-dark
retainer and everything.
We're gonna go see if it works.
Whoa.
Yeah.
A hot girl who still thinks
she's a geek.
Some 13-year-old boy
is going to be very lucky.
I want you to know,
Zack has been having so
much fun with brick.
Really?
Brick? Brick Heck?
Oh, yeah.
He talks about him all the time.
The thing is,
he was wondering if brick
would like to have a sleepover
at our house this weekend.
A sleepover?
Don't cry.
Do not cry.
Zack.
Is that "hands-in-the-pants"
or the one that keeps smelling
his fingers? That's all one kid.
No, Zack is the cat kid, and he's
a total get! The cat is the get?
Oh, yeah.
He's the most
popular kid in the group.
Oh, my God.
They'll be best friends,
and maybe they can
room together in college
and then get
an apartment afterwards,
and then he won't come back
and live with us.
He's all set.
Oh, it's all working out.
Worries over.
Easy, girl.
It's a long fall from up there.
So a few days later,
it actually was
Valentine's day.
Whoa!
What are you doing, buddy?
Practicing for my sleepover.
Lookin' good.
Happy Valentine's day.
Squirrel ate half a bird
and left it on the patio.
I'll Chuck it
in the neighbor's yard later.
Hello, everybody.
What's with the eyes? You in
a play or something? I'm
Have plans with Carly tonight,
remember?
Besides, I wear makeup.
I wear makeup all the time.
Eh, I don't think so.
I think I would've remembered
the look.
Okay, can you just
Sue, honey
I think I know
what the makeup is about.
When I was your age,
I had a friend just like Carly
who, you know,
blossomed before I did
and made me feel
a little self-conscious.
But it'll happen
for you, too.
It will.
What, 'cause she got
her braces off faster?
You know,
she only had an overbite.
I had jaw issues
and a tongue thrust.
I don't know what I meant.
Well, if I haven't blossomed,
then why would I have
gotten invited
to the seventh and eighth grade
boy-girl party? Huh?
You were invited to a
boy-girl party? Uh-huh.
By an eighth grader.
Eighth grade
he asked Carly to come, h?
And then she asked
if she could bring a friend,
and the guy said yes!
No boy-girl parties.
Mom, that is totally unfair.
We are, like, the only two
people in the class
that haven't been to one yet,
and then all of a sudden,
Carly got invited,
and now this is our chance!
Please, mom! Please.
I
didn't say that you couldn't,
but your dad and I
have to discuss it.
No boy-girl parties.
End of discussion.
Axl was going to boy-girl
parties when he was 12!
Yeah, well,
we were bad parents then.
We've learned from our mistakes.
I am growing up.
Why can't you guys
just trust that
the values you've instilled
in me are strong enough
to keep me
from making bad decisions?
Mike, she's in junior hi now.
She's ready.
But I'm not.
And guess
brick was growing up, too.
And I wasn't
leaving anything to chance.
Okay, we've got a book
Backup book
Extra book
Your reading flashlight,
another book and one more book.
Meow!
He's so excited.
Zack, talk like a person.
So is brick.
Brick, put down the book.
I just really hope this works.
Me, too.
Me, too.
Hey, dad.
No money.
Hear me out.
Turns out, Kristen's friends
were dateless on Valentine's
Don't know why
'cause they're hot
But she wanted to hang out
as more of a group thing.
Lucky Sean and Darrin
were free,
so the plan now
is to just, you know,
all go out for burgers.
Should still be cool I think.
$50 to $75
gets you on the ground floor.
Fine.
Have no vision.
Whatever.
Ciao, losers!
Night's gonna be awesome.
Hey, Lady Gaga,
love your music.
Oh, hey, Axl.
I was gon
Carly's mom is outside.
Oh! My first boy-girl party! Ha!
How do I look?
Very pretty.
Be a good girl.
Dad.
Okay, okay.
Have fun.
Bible fun!
God sees everything you do!
Even in the dark!
Wait.
Do you hear that?
That's the sound
of no kids in the house.
Oh, my God, Mike.
We're alone.
On Valentine's day!
We haven't been alone
on Valentine's day
since Axl was born.
What should we do?
No, no, no, wait!
Wait.
Don't you see?
We don't have to do it fast
this time.
We could go to dinner,
then come back
and then do that afterwards.
Yeah
After dinner isn't always
your sexiest time.
Oh, my God,
I'm dying!
Why did you let me order
that mud pie?
And all those breadsticks?
Ugh!
I'm so bloated.
I'm gonna explode.
I'm just saying
maybe we should do it now
while we're still
Light on our feet.
How about
We knock one off now,
then have dinner,
then come back
and do it again.
You really up to that?
I don't know,
but I'd sure like to try.
Well, light a candle
and put on the Lionel Richie.
It's go time!
Forget the music.
We got a candle.
Get over here!
Oh, you're right.
Just wanted it to be perfect.
Whoo, baby!
Come on, baby.
Oh, God! Unnatural!
Guys, hide your eyes!
Mr.
Heck, Mrs.
Heck,
great to see you both.
Hope you're having
a fantastic Valentine's day.
Why are you guys here? Yeah,
what happened to your dates?
It's kind of
hilarious, actually.
So they met these college guys,
but they don't even like 'em,
so these guys are taking 'em out
to a "fancy restaurant,"
and then the girls
are gonna call us after.
These guys are stuck
paying for their dinner,
and then we get them
for the good part.
Stupid college guys!
Pretty sweet deal for us.
All the reward with none
of the expense.
Yeah, okay.
You kids take care.
We're going out.
Oh, hey, mom.
Before you go,
could you make us something
to eat? Whatever's fast.
Keep walking.
Just keep walking.
Axl did us a favor.
This opportunity was too rare
to waste at home.
We were going out
for Valentine's day
to our favorite
romantic restaurant.
It was dark, it was cozy,
it was
A relax the back store?
I guess it has been
a long time.
Meow?
No, thanks.
Meow, meow?
'Cause I don't like football.
Do you have any board games
that involve strategy
or fantasy role-playing?
I have a ball
with a bell in it.
How about Crazy Eights?
Hard to shuffle with paws.
You can take them off.
You're remarkably catlike
even without 'em.
fine with a 45-minute wait?
You could at least
have put our name in.
You know I don't wait for more
than ten minutes.
Oh, I know.
I know everything about you.
No surprises here.
Okay relax.
See? Here's another place.
This looks
Wow! That line wraps
around the building, too, huh?
What are you doing?
Don't don't do that.
Are you already going there? We've
been in this car for two hours!
How was I supposed to know
that every restaurant would be
crowded tonight? It's Valentine's day!
Oh, think, Mike! Think!
This was our one chance to have
some fun and celebrate our love,
and you blew it!
I hope you're happy!
Oh, I am.
I definitely am.
Wow, Sue.
You look so pretty
with all that makeup
Like a Kardashian.
I feel like one.
Let's make a pact
that we won't leave each other
the whole night.
Okay!
Hey, you want to dance?
Okay.
Go! Go.
It's fine.
I need to check
my eye shadow anyway.
Table for two.
And you're fine
with a 2-hour wait?
He is.
I do get to wait in this drafty
doorway the whole time, right?
'Cause I certainly
wouldn't want to be comfortable.
You are so not getting any
when we get home.
I don't want any.
We already know what we want.
I'll have the tour of Italy
with a house salad,
and he'll have the fettuccine.
And can we get some breadsticks and can
you make it snappy? She's not our waitress.
I'm sorry.
I don't know
how to act in a restaurant.
I haven't been in one in
I'll get your server.
What?
I'm sorry.
Sorry I'm so cranky.
It's okay.
I'm used to it.
Okay.
Let's just start
the whole night over again now.
Okay?
I mean,
look at all these people,
looking into each other's eyes.
We haven't looked each other
in the eye for forever.
Let's look
into each other's eyes.
You look tired.
So do you.
Have you always had
that thing there? What?
You should get it checked.
Can we stop looking now?
Yeah, let's.
New idea.
Let's each name
our five favorite moments
of our marriage, but you
don't use our wedding day
or the birth of our kids in
your top five.
I wasn't going to.
You
Breadsticks!
It's been three hours.
Text 'em again.
Eh, it's cool.
They're just
playing hard to get.
We can play hard to get, too.
We should just
stop texting them.
But how are they gonna know
we're playing hard to get
if they're not trying to get us? Mm.
We
text 'em, tell 'em we're done texting,
we drive over there,
Darrin puts on a hockey mask,
scares those college guys away,
we beat up Darrin,
we're the big heroes,
and the girls show us
their appreciation.
I love it.
But how can we drive over there
if we don't know where they are?
Damn, you're right.
Well
Someone remember that plan
because that is too good
not to use.
You're really good at this.
I've been practicing.
Practicing.
Why do you whisper like that?
Probably the same reason
you like to be a cat.
Meow.
My mom gave me a Valentine
with some chocolate.
You want some?
Awesome! Thanks.
Squeaky mouse?
I'm good.
Wait, I got one.
What?
Colts winning the Super Bowl.
The colts winning
the Super Bowl
is your fourth favorite moment
of our marriage?
Because when all
the other wives got bored
and went into the kitchen
to have wine,
you stayed right by me
and shared my beer.
I am cool.
Yes, you are.
Zack's mom.
Mm.
Hi.
Everything okay?
No, it's okay.
But they said they'd take him
for the night.
A deal's a deal!
Yeah, I understand.
I'll be right there.
Bye.
Well, we gave it a shot.
I'll meet you back here
in 16 years.
No, no, no!
I'm so enjoying
being with you here right now.
I don't want it to stop.
Just don't move.
I'll figure
something out.
Okay.
And if the guy
with the breadsticks comes by,
hit me.
Hey, Carly's friend.
We're about to play
"have you ever?"
And "would you rather?"
and "never, ever, have I ever.
"
Come on.
Everybody's doing it.
Want a beer? I brought it
from home.
No! No, I don't!
Well, then you wanna make out?
Everybody, just leave me alone!
I am so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
We try and keep chocolate
out of the house
because of how Zack reacts.
I don't know
where he got it from.
Zack, get off the curtains!
Did you give him chocolate?
It made him purr.
Brick is just great.
We should do this again soon.
Really? You want him
to come over again?
Oh, yeah.
Brick is a dream.
I think
he's the most normal
kid in the group.
Oh!
See? It's like
he's not even here.
Let's just start our night again
one more time.
Come on.
Back to us, all right?
Valentine's day.
Let's reclaim the magic.
And you owe me one more
great marriage moment.
Okay.
Give me a minute.
Give me a minute.
I got one.
This is a good one.
The time that we
Son of a
Hi, honey.
It's Sue.
Everyone is
making out everywhere,
and there is beer.
Someone brought beer?
Who has beer? Oh, I don't know.
Some guy with pretty hair.
And they lit up incense.
I'm not
sure if it's illegal or not,
but I'm pretty sure it is.
I really wanna come home,
but then everyone is gonna think
I'm an immature dork for wanting
to leave.
I'll be right there.
Oh, my God.
You were right.
She wasn't ready for this.
I'm sorry, did you just say
I was right and you were wrong?
This is
my fifth favorite moment.
Don't move.
Where's my daughter?
Sue Heck?!
Sue Heck,
I know you're in here!
I told you I didn't want you
to come here tonight.
We are leaving immediately.
And if I ever catch you sneaking
out of the house again
Ah! And it's not gonna help
ya to beg me to let you
stay just one more hour.
Oh, my God!
You're the worst dad ever!
Can you believe this?
Just as the party was
getting good.
Man, this stinks!
Mr.
Heck?
My dad didn't want me to come here
either, did he? No, he did not.
You're coming with us.
Get in the car!
Thank you so much, mr.
Heck.
Be
cool.
You're blowing our cover.
Dude, we've been duped.
We're losers!
Losers who have been duped.
Hey!
We're not losers.
They're losers.
Look at what
they're missing out on.
Check out these guns.
We rock.
Yeah.
Yeah! I'm a football hero,
for God sake!
Read it and weep!
They'd take us back if we showed
'em what they're missing.
Shirts off, gentlemen!
All right.
Sean, get in closer
behind Darrin.
Darrin, squeeze in.
Closer.
Keep flexing.
Squeeze and now smile.
Smile like we're digging
not being with them.
Dude, we look like three
naked guys hugging each other.
And you can't see what our
hands are doing.
And it's sent!
Oh, yeah!
We nailed them so bad!
High-five, my brothers!
I'm so glad your dad
got me out of there, too.
I bet the cops are breaking up
that party right now.
We were lucky to get out
of there alive.
I know.
Pinky swear
we never do it again.
Unless someone cute invites us.
Here you go.
Oh, Mike! Aw!
Happy Valentine's day.
Mud pie!
Ladies.
You two look lovely tonight.
Mr.
Heck,
nice to see you again.
We already did that.
What are you guys doing here?
What happened to your women? Aw, we blew
'em off.
Too many head games.
Whatever.
Truth is, I'd rather spend
Valentine's day
with the one woman who means more
to me than anything.
Oh, my God! Oh!
That was hilarious!
Did you see how she actually
bought that for a second?
Oh, sucker!
Ooh.
Boom.
So you want
to start our night over now?
No.
We've tried starting over
three times.
We need to face facts.
This is it.
This is the night we're having.
So Mike and I didn't get
to spend Valentine's day
alone together after all,
but that's okay.
'Cause someday
Axl will be off on a date,
and Sue will be kissing boys
at a party, and brick
Well, brick will probably be
living in our basement.
But the point is,
someday we'll miss these
Valentine's days together.
So I figured we should treasure
every lame one we had left.