Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
I’m Brian McShane
and I’m going to set out and explore the most uninteresting places on earth
Where having the rite survival skills can make the difference between
life or crying to your *** wife
Staying alive in these wastelands depends on a few essentials
First I must find my bearings
Secondly, plan a way out
And thirdly, get the show on the road
I’ll find water and food
Make a shelter and fire
And make my way out alive
I am Brian
the Adventurer
Today we are in lower middle Michigan
This time its the winter
I’m up for an adventure and as always my camera crew is coming with me
Cold to the touch, everything around me is covered in frozen water
This time of year in Michigan it snows
And because of such dangerous conditions
I’ve brought a few survival essentials with me
A gun, extra water and some spiced rum for extra motivation
It’s not to far into my adventure and I’ve already found signs of life
These tracks are the—
Well, I’m not exactly sure what these are track of
Possibly cantaloupe tracks
You see the cantaloupe migrate north during the winter time
to graze on snow
They say the the journey of 10,000 steps always begins with step 1
Rite now I believe I’m on step 268
9
70
This terrain is typically very hilly littered with small trees and scrub brush
It’s a good place to be from but not a good place to be
This appears to be the fishnet stocking of a giant burlesque dancer
Lets see
Ahhh yes
Oh would you look at that
There are many predatory animals that reside in the wintery land of Michigan
It might be best to cover my tracks
I learned this trick form 101 Dalmatians
When Corela Devill is on your case, don’t buy a can of mace
You need a giant burlesque dances hair net
Or leg net
Maybe hair net for the legs
A lot of them were French
It now appears that I have found a field of dreams
Now you see me
Now you don’t
Martin Luther King once had a dream
Now I have a field of them
But don’t get to excited
Last year a family got lost in a field just like this one and were trapped for days
They had to resort to cannibalism, adultery and drug abuse
Now I too have found myself lost
As quickly as this field was build of dreams
It’s quickly becoming my field of nightmares
Damn you field of dreams
For several hundred years the indigos peoples of these lands
hunted, gathered as a way of survival
This appears to be some shaft of wood with a sharpened arrow head
Possibly form the mohawk tribe as you can see rite here
How fortunate
My circular journey of survival has found an apex in which I can build a camp
Down here at the bottom of this hill
Its going to provide me with wind resistance
and other things
This is the prefect spot to stop and make camp
Camping camping camping, oh how I love camping
I just want to take a moment and reflect on this, were going to be here for a wile
The Swedish were actually the first to create the snow man
The Dutch were the first to make it equal rights to have a snow woman
The difference between a snow man and a snow woman
is ultimately snow balls
Now that I have disposed of Jack Frosts *** child I can look for firewood
Wood can be easy to find if you know where to look
This is the Michigan deadwood tree
Its no larger then about this tall
Only and expert can find these
And as they say, nature happens
Building a fire in the winter can sometimes be difficult
When matches and lighter fail nature always provides an answer
Here we go
I have made fire
What good is a fire unless you have something good to cook over it
I am fortunate enough to be a direct decedent from Sitting Bull
and I’m going to do this the hard way and make a bow and arrow
For the use of my rifle could get me into trouble with the law for poaching
yet again
Making a bow can be easy, if your me
and it only takes a matter of minutes to assemble
In Michigan theres plenty of game
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I’m Michigan there is plenty of game that can be tackled with a bow like this
If you are patient and keep your eyes sharp hunting can be easy
Now this bow can actually delivery enough force to take down a full grow reign deer
Look, theres a squirrel rite there
F**K
RIFLE
Ahh
Really?
A third Fu**ing cameraman in the fu**ing——
Who put him in the fu**ing tree?
Was that you?
Are you responsible for this?
I’m docking your pay
I buried the gun
I bury it later
With the unexpected failure of my hunting it was important to drink warm water to keep
my body healthy
And it taste ashy with notes of dissintary
If I die out here the preservatives in this heavily processed foods
will surely keep my body intact
Lessening the decomposition and heightening my chances of identification
It’s kind of a morbid thought
But you know
We can rejoice, I have a cornucopia of moderately processed sustenance rite here
Its a hobos wet dream
There’s nothing more warming to the soul then food cooking over a hot fire
It’s nice to get a chance to relax and show you the rest of my survival kit
Having a pre prepared kit like this can mean the difference between life and certain death
Compass, never loose my bearing
***, always a must for those lonely cold nights
Old cell phone, just for memories mostly
Durex pleasure foam
The tips to some darts
Crushed red pepper by the masses
What is this?
This is a comprehensive list of all the women I’ve slept with
I’m not exactly sure how that got in there
If theres one thing that Smokey the Bear has taught us over the years
Its to never leave a fire unattended
There is no time to waste when surviving
so I left the fire burning and pushed forward, I have a long way to go
Ahhhhhhhh
Traditionally mother nature has always been a thorn in my side
and i quite feel like its coming back for a vengeance
Theres something in my pants due to that last spill
Oh look at that
Mother nature put that in my ***
Directly behind me stands a bridge
A natural bridge if you would, and possibly made by magic though
Of corse I believe in magic, its just something I believe in
When stranded in the wilderness walking alone amongst the trees and the forest
theres only one sure fire way to know exactly where you’ve been
Your going to have to leave a path
Leaving this trail of timber sticks will ensure my path in the snow
Dirty tree
Dirty sexy tree
Emmmmmm
You know this tree reminds me of when I was in elementary school
I was working 80 hours a week to bring home a sack of potatoes
It quite similar, actually its a cousin of this one, this ones a maple
Ravaged by the storms of Michigan
Ravaged
Ravaged in the winds of time
Its things like this that bring me back to my childhood just for a second
It gives me the will to survive
You know, what do they say
Once you go black you never go back
Once you go white to go running back to black
Oh jeeze look at this
Small cricks and ponds like this are scattered all over Michigan
It reminds me of a laser disc video Al Gore once gave me
This is his proof
Global warming…
Seedless grapes? How about seedless weed
Sometimes there comes a point in your quest of survival where you just need to take a
quick break
to realease your frustrations
So, just like the great prophet Zach LaRoche says
What better place then here what better time then now
I shall show you how to build a shelf in which you may have a ciseta
You see what I’m going to do rite here is put my hand firmly into the snow
I’m going to bring them together as if I was playing an accordion
Just like that
Boom
And thats called packing snow or as I like to call it
Making lemon aid
So lets make lemon aid
Eventually the weight keeps getting larger and larger
like a black hole sucking everything in towards it with its own gravity
Kind of like your mother
In a matter of minutes Ive assembled a basic shelter
Snow is a good insulator and is abundant this time of year
The perfect shelter material
And why would I really want to spend time on the wet cold ground?
I mean modern science has proved that heat does in fact rise
So, I;m just going to have a little bit of pleasure time
Privacy?
I’m on the move again and my pick up point is getting close
But there is always time to admire nature
Before I conclude my adventure there is one thing I must do
and in no time I have found the perfect drop off
Like the pop sensations of the 50’s that had very catchy things
One of my favorite mottos I learned to live by was
Take out the paper or the trash or you get no spending cash
Well its time to do that today
So I guess theres a camera job open if you think your qualified
The sun is going down and nightfall is falling upon us as I race to the end of my journey
I had a great time
Yes, just like I did with your mother
And now my friends have come to pick me up in my Suburu
Its time to rock out, I had an amazing adventure
Until next time
I love you
Bye bye
The economic disparity in Michigan is bleak
Financial crisis is striking everywhere
Schools out of business
Businesses out of business
You as an un-employed individual have but one choice to make
Would you like to win some money?
I’m just joking
What you really need to do is let me know
where you want me to go adventure next
That means send me your videos
Let me know
where to go
Until next time
This is Brian the Adventurer
Michigan sucks