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- PREVIOUSLY, ON DIRT...
- DON, YOUR BROTHER'S BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT.
- I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT. - JASON, YOU CAME.
HI, SHARLEE.
- DON'S GONNA BE YOUR PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.
- I REALLY LIKED LOVE ME MONDAY.
- THANK YOU.
HEY!
GET YOUR *** OFF THAT WALL! [camera shutter clicking]
JUST PROMISE THAT YOU'LL TELL ME BEFORE IT GETS PRINTED.
DO YOU THINK THAT ROY'S GONNA FIND OUT
ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
- WE COULD'VE GOTTEN ANOTHER MILLION OUT OF HER.
- HIS WHOLE MARRIAGE TO SHARLEE WAS A COMPLETE SCAM.
- IT'S NOT GOOD.
- PLAY WITH MY HAIR, DON.
- IT'S DEBBIE ANN.
THEY NEVER REALLY BROKE UP.
THEY PLANNED IT TO GET YOUR MONEY.
OH.
SHARLEE, I-I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
- YOU SHOULD BE KISSING MY ***.
- CAN I START WITH YOUR LIPS?
- AND YOU'RE HERE TO CONVINCE ME TO BUY YOUR MAGAZINE.
WHAT'S IN IT FOR BRENT BARROW?
- MAY I?
- I'M LUCY.
- GOOD TO PUT A FACE TO THE NAME.
BRENT BARROW SAYS THE WEBSITE CAN PRODUCE MORE REVENUE.
HE WANTS EDITORIAL CONTROL.
- BRENT BARROW SHOULDN'T BE IN CONTROL OF THE AIR-CONDITIONING.
- HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE HOLLYWOOD GOLD AWARDS WITH ME?
- SURE.
WHAT IS THIS THING?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU. - ME TOO.
- LUCY SPILLER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A DATE WITH ME?
- YES, I WOULD.
- HOW ABOUT THE, UM...
THE HOLLYWOOD GOLD AWARDS?
- WE CAN'T DO THAT.
BESIDES, I'M--I'M ALREADY GOING WITH SOMEONE.
REPORTERS HAVE TO BE INSIDE BEFORE THAT.
COME ON. THIS IS AWARDS NIGHT 101.
OH, THANK GOD.
YEAH, WELL, FIGURE IT OUT,
OR YOU'LL BE SPENDING THE NIGHT
WITH A CENTERPIECE STICKING OUT OF YOUR ***.
HI.
- WOW. WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO FOLD ONE OF THESE?
- OH, OH, HEY, J,
DON'T TOUCH THAT.
IT'S FOR MY PINHOLE-CAMERA THING.
- OH.
- YOU GONNA GET OUT TODAY?
- WHY? IS THERE AN ECLIPSE OR SOMETHING?
- COME ON.
DOCTOR SAID YOU GOT TO GET OUT AND ABOUT.
YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COUCH FOR TWO WEEKS.
YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
- I AM DOING SOMETHING.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH MY BIG BROTHER.
SO?
YOU GONNA *** HER?
- WHO?
- WHO? SHARLEE CATES, MAN.
I TOLD YOU-- THAT'S JUST BUSINESS.
- AW. DUDE, YOU'RE WITH HER EVERY DAY.
DON'T EVEN...
DON'T ACT LIKE YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT, PLEASE.
- IT'S MY JOB. - YEAH?
OH, DON. [both laugh]
[imitating Sharlee] YOU'RE NOT LIKE THE OTHER PAPS.
YOU'RE SUCH A NICE GUY.
- I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE.
- OH, DON, PLEASE, CAN I SEE IT?
WHIP IT OUT FOR ME, DON, PLEASE.
JUST A SNEAKY PEEKY, HUH?
[normal voice] OH! AAH!
DUDE, MY NECK!
AAH!
- YOU OKAY?
- KISS ME, DONNIE!
- YOU ***! - MAN.
[horn honks]
- DON'T WAIT UP.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, BRENT.
PLEASE.
YOU AND YOUR FRIEND, JOIN US.
THE CHAMPAGNE IS ALREADY POURED.
GET IN THE CAR.
- HI. WELCOME. [laughs]
- HI.
- OH.
LOOK AT MY LITTLE PROM KING.
I LOVE FLOWERS.
THEY'RE SO CORNY.
HEY, TONIGHT IS GONNA BE
THE GREATEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE,
BECAUSE I AM GONNA PRESENT MIA
WITH HER LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE ASKED FOR ME.
IT WAS COMPLETELY HER IDEA.
UGH. I JUST-- I LOVE HER SO MUCH.
OKAY.
HERE.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
- OKAY.
SPEARMINT.
- WITH THC.
- NO, I'M GOOD.
[rock music]
- ♪ TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR ♪
♪ HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE ♪
♪ UP ABOVE THE WORLD SO HIGH ♪
♪ LIKE A DIAMOND IN THE SKY ♪
♪ TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR ♪
♪ HOW I WONDER WHAT YOU ARE ♪
[reporters chattering indistinctly]
- LOVE THAT.
OKAY, HOLT WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
I CAN GIVE YOU A LITTLE BIT OF TIME WITH HIM,
BUT THEN HE HAS TO GO DO E.T.
AND THE PEOPLE PHOTO BOOTH. - OKAY.
SO WILL JASMINE FORD BE WITH HIM?
ARE THEY OFFICIALLY TOGETHER?
- OKAY, ARE YOU LOOKING TO HAVE A NEW ONE CHEWED?
WHAT? NO. HANG ON.
SORRY, SWEETIE.
UM, HOLT AND JASMINE ARE VERY EXCITED TO BE WORKING TOGETHER.
THEY HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT AND AFFECTION FOR EACH OTHER.
THAT WORK? - YEAH.
- THERE'S YOUR QUOTE. OKAY.
- HEY. - HI.
- UM, AFTER, UH, THE EVENT,
DO WE JUST GO BACK TO THE OFFICE OR...?
- UH, NO.
THE PARTY'S JUST THE BEGINNING.
FINAL TRANSMISSIONS ARE AT 5:00.
LUCY WILL HAVE US UP
MAKING COPY CHANGES UNTIL ABOUT 4:59. OKAY?
- UH, DANIELLE SAID THAT THE CLOSE SCHEDULE CHANGED,
SO ALL TEXT IS LOCKED BY 4:00,
BASICALLY MEANING THAT...
- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE.
- HOLT'S HERE. IT'S NOW OR NEVER.
NOW, LISTEN, YOU CAN ASK HIM
ANYTHING YOU WANT ABOUT THE MOVIE.
NO QUESTIONS ABOUT JULIA MALLORY.
HI.
- WILLA FROM DIRT NOW.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING STUPID.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER THERE. BE CHARMING.
- HI. - HOW ARE YOU?
- SO, CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NOMINATION.
- THANK YOU.
JUST GLAD IT ONLY TOOK TEN YEARS' WORTH OF WORK
TO GET NOMINATED FOR BEST NEWCOMER.
- YOU BELIEVE THAT?
- WHAT, IT WASN'T BELIEVABLE ENOUGH?
SHOULD I TRY THAT AGAIN?
- WELL, UH, GOOD LUCK.
- MY MONEY WOULD BE ON YOU. - THANK YOU.
- HOLT WILL NEXT BE SEEN
STARRING OPPOSITE JASMINE FORD
IN THE DRAMA FEAR TACTIC.
OH, AND HERE COMES A TENDER MOMENT.
JASMINE GIVES HER FORMER HUSBAND,
BASEBALL STAR TREY PAULSON, A HUG.
THEY ARE TRULY TWO OF HOLLYWOOD'S FRIENDLIEST EXES.
- OBVIOUSLY THEY'RE NOT SCREENING FOR STEROIDS.
- OH, DON'T BE HATING, BABY.
COME ON, I GOT NOTHING BUT LOVE FOR YOU.
BESIDES, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO CALL ME ON MY ***
WITH ALL OF YOUR INDISCRETIONS?
- I'VE BEEN SOBER 13 MONTHS.
- AH, SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY YOU WERE SOBER 13 MONTHS
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
- AH, MY BEAUTY.
GOOD-BYE. COME WITH ME.
EVERYBODY NEEDS YOU DOWN HERE.
- CUTE.
- NOW ARRIVING, AMERICA'S PRINCESS OF POP,
MISS SHARLEE CATES.
- SHARLEE, OVER HERE!
- COME ON, GIVE ME A SHOT, BABY. GIVE ME ONE SHOT!
- JESUS CHRIST, IT'S KONKEY!
- OKAY.
OWN IT. DON'T HIDE.
GIVE IT TO THEM AND GET IT OVER WITH.
- DO YOU SMELL CHERRIES?
- HEY, SHARLEE, WHEN DID YOU START SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY?
- OH, DONNIE AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS.
- AND HERE SHE IS,
"GOD'S GIFT TO POP"--
AND THAT'S A DIRECT QUOTE FROM HER, FOLKS--
MIA.
MIA IS RECEIVING THE LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD TONIGHT,
AND IT WILL BE GIVEN TO HER
BY NONE OTHER THAN SHARLEE CATES.
- I LOVE THIS GIRL.
ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?
- MIA, OVER HERE!
MIA, OVER HERE! COME ON, GIVE ME A SHOT!
- OH, MY GOSH.
- HEY. - HELLO, GORGEOUS.
HOW ARE YOU? - HI, JASMINE.
- HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.
- DID YOU GET THAT PLASMA SCREEN I SENT YOU?
- THANK YOU, TED, BUT IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE THAN THAT
TO GET ME TO COMMIT TO YOUR MINISERIES.
- I THOUGHT OUR OFFER WAS QUITE GENEROUS, TO SAY THE LEAST.
- BUMP IT UP FROM GENEROUS TO OBSCENE, AND WE'LL TALK.
BESIDES, I CAN'T TAKE ON ANYTHING
UNTIL I'M DONE WITH MY BOY HERE.
- WHEN DO YOU GUYS START THAT PROJECT?
- WE GO ON LOCATION NEXT WEEK.
- LUCKY YOU.
- NO. WE'RE JUST GOOD FRIENDS...
THOUGH I ALWAYS FALL A LITTLE BIT
IN LOVE WITH MY COSTAR.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU, HOLT?
DO YOU ALWAYS FALL JUST A LITTLE BIT IN LOVE?
- NAH. I TEND TO GO FOR THE, UH, EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE TYPES.
- WELL, NOW I KNOW THE PARTY CAN START.
- HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD.
- JASMINE. DO YOU KNOW CLAIRE?
- OF COURSE.
WE WORKED TOGETHER YEARS AGO.
- AND THIS IS LUCY SPILLER, AND, UM, TIM...
- TED. - TED.
TED COLEMAN.
- LUCY SPILLER. I SHOULD BE MAD AT YOU
FOR ALL THE AWFUL THINGS YOU WROTE ABOUT ME THIS YEAR.
- OR STOP DOING AWFUL THINGS.
- HEARD GREAT THINGS ABOUT THE PLANTATION.
- WONDERFUL SCRIPT. CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED.
HOW ABOUT A TOAST?
YOU NEED A DRINK.
MAY GOOD FORTUNE REIGN OVER ALL OF OUR PROJECTS.
[light laughter]
- CHEERS.
- CAN I GET YOU TO RAISE YOUR ARMS, PLEASE, SIR?
[device beeps]
SIR, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE THIS HERE.
- NICE TRY, KONKEY.
- RAISE YOUR ARMS, PLEASE. [device beeps]
- WELL, DO YOU WANT THE UNDERWIRE FROM MY BRA?
'CAUSE YOU COULD PROBABLY SELL IT ON eBAY
AND TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO JAMAICA FOR A MONTH.
YOU CERTAINLY KNOW YOUR ***, DONNIE.
- ALL RIGHT, I HAVE ONE REQUEST
FOR THOSE WHO WIN TONIGHT.
IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN A SYNAGOGUE OR A CHURCH
IN THE LAST TWO YEARS, YOU CAN'T THANK GOD.
[laughter]
- HELLO.
- YOU SEEM TO GET ALONG PRETTY WELL WITH MCLAREN.
- WHY SHOULDN'T I?
- WELL, HIS GIRLFRIEND DID TRY TO KILL YOU
AND THEN WOUND UP DEAD HERSELF.
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'D MAKE MOST PEOPLE FEEL A LITTLE AWKWARD.
- WELL, LUCKILY, I'M A PEOPLE PERSON.
- YES, YOU ARE.
- ...LAST YEAR'S BEST ACTRESS WINNER, JASMINE FORD,
AND THE STAR OF NATIVE SPEAKER, MALACHI BRODY.
- A CLOWN, A PIANIST, A LITTLE LEAGUE COACH.
JASMINE.
- WHAT IS SHE DOING?
- THAT'S YOUR LINE.
- IT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
A CLOWN, A PIANIST, A LITTLE LEAGUE COACH.
JASMINE?
- LET'S SEE.
THESE ARE SOME OF THE ROLES
PLAYED BY THE OUTSTANDING NOMINEES
FOR BEST DRAMATIC MALE ACTOR.
- NOW, THAT'S AWKWARD.
- SHE'S BEEN SOBER FOR A YEAR. I DON'T GET IT.
- MAYBE IT'S FOOD POISONING.
- I'VE HAD FOOD POISONING,
AND I DON'T REMEMBER GIGGLING.
OKAY, HALF THE CIVILIZED WORLD
HAS CAUGHT THIS ON LIVE TV.
THE OTHER HALF WILL CATCH IT ON YOUTUBE IN ABOUT TWO HOURS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
- UM, CAREER FALLOUT, FAMILY REACTIONS, REHAB PLANS...
- WHAT WE DIDN'T SEE. WAS SHE DRINKING? WHEN?
- YOU KNOW, IT COULD'VE BEEN PILLS.
VICODIN WORKS FAST,
EVEN FASTER IF YOU CHASE IT WITH ATAVAN.
THAT'S WHAT WE BOOKWORMS DID IN COLLEGE,
IN LIEU OF WOMEN.
- ALL RIGHT. WHAT DID HER REP SAY?
- UH, I WAS COVERING THE SMOKING AREA.
I WASN'T IN THE PRESS ROOM.
- UM, YOU WERE IN THE SMOKING AREA
BECAUSE YOU WANTED A SMOKE.
I WAS WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.
- WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT YOU?
I WAS COVERING THE SMOKING AREA,
BECAUSE IT MADE BEA SICK, AND SHE WANTED TO SWITCH.
- OKAY, YOU'VE EITHER SLEPT TOGETHER,
OR YOU'VE SLEPT TOGETHER.
EITHER WAY, GO DO YOUR *** JOBS.
GO.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
NO, THAT'S GREAT.
OKAY, GOOD. YEP.
YEP, YEP, YEP.
[phone beeps]
- WHY ARE YOU ALL SMILES?
- OH, HO HO.
HMM.
YOU EVER BEEN TO BORA BORA?
- NO, BUT IT'S ON MY LIST.
- OH, YEAH?
MWAH.
CLEAR NEXT WEEK.
- BRENT, I NEED TO TALK WITH YOU.
- AND I WITH YOU.
- GO LOOK AT SOMETHING SHINY, WILL YOU?
- REMEMBER THE RIGHTS TO ALL THE DIRT NOW BRAND EXTENSIONS--
BOOKS, TV SPECIALS, FOREIGN EDITIONS?
- OF COURSE.
GIBSON REFUSED TO INCLUDE THEM IN THE SALE.
- WHAT IF I WERE TO TELL YOU
THAT GIBSON HAS AGREED TO SELL THESE TO YOU
FOR ONE DOLLAR?
OOH, THAT GOT YOU THERE, HUH?
IT TURNS OUT HIS LAWYERS
MISINTERPRETED SOME CLAUSE IN THE CONTRACT.
IF HE HANGS ON TO THESE RIGHTS,
HE'S ON THE HOOK FOR MILLIONS IN TAX LIABILITY.
BUT YOU--YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND,
HAVE NO EXPOSURE TO WORRY ABOUT.
YOU ARE A MULTINATIONAL.
- MM.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
YOUR HOLDINGS JUST INCREASED
BY $100 MILLION.
- WONDERFUL. [both laughing]
NOW, MAY I TELL YOU WHAT I WANTED TO SAY?
- YEAH.
- SWITCH WOMEN WITH ME.
I WANT YOUR DATE.
- WAIT A MINUTE. - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
- ADAM, I CAN'T JUST TRADE HER OFF, MAN.
- BRENT, A CHALLENGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING,
TO LOCK HORNS, TO BURY A SHOULDER
INTO THE HEART OF AN OBSTACLE.
MEET THIS CHALLENGE AND STAND VICTORIOUS
IN A DOWNPOUR OF RED ROSES.
FAIL, AND WILT,
DIMINISHED IN BOTH STATURE AND WORTH.
- AN ARTIST OF EXTRAORDINARY VISION AND CREATIVITY,
SHE HAS HAD A PROFOUND IMPACT
NOT ONLY ON THE AMERICAN MUSIC INDUSTRY,
BUT ON THE WORLD'S POP CULTURAL SCENE AS WELL.
- GET ANYTHING?
- I GOT SOME STUFF.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO PRESENT
THIS LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD
TO MY PERSONAL HERO, MIA.
[cheers and applause]
- HI.
[cheers and applause]
- IT'S TIRED, BUT THE TONGUES WERE A NICE TWIST.
IF I KNOW MIA, SHE'S GONNA STONEWALL THE PRESS.
BUT YOU HAVE AN INSIDE PASS,
SO I WANT YOU TO USE IT, DON.
DON'T LET ME DOWN.
DON.
HEY.
HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
- [chuckles]
- SERIOUSLY.
- ALLERGIES.
IT MUST BE SOMEBODY'S PERFUME OR SOMETHING.
[laughs]
- SHE'S AT ST. MARGARET'S.
SHE'S SUFFERING FROM EXHAUSTION. THAT'S IT.
- EXHAUSTION? ISN'T THAT HOLLYWOOD FOR SHITFACED?
- SHE WAS CLEAN.
NOTHING BUT DIET COKES AND BOTTLED WATER FOR THE PAST YEAR.
- YOU EXPECT ME TO GO BACK TO LUCY
AND TELL HER THAT JASMINE FORD
BLEW CHUNKS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION
BECAUSE SHE NEEDED A NAP?
- I'VE LIED FOR MY CLIENTS BEFORE.
THAT'S MY JOB.
BUT I'M TELLING YOU, I AM NOT LYING.
SHE WAS CLEAN.
I THINK SOMEBODY SLIPPED SOMETHING IN HER SODA.
- HOW'S JASMINE?
- THEY TOOK HER TO THE HOSPITAL.
- WAS SHE ON SOMETHING?
- IS THIS FOR THE RECORD?
- WOULD IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
- NOPE.
JUST LIKE KNOWING WHO I'M TALKING TO, YOU KNOW?
- YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.
NO, I DIDN'T SEE HER DRINK ANYTHING
THAT WASN'T CARBONATED ALL NIGHT, SO...
- DID SHE SEEM UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING?
- WELL, SHE RAN
INTO HER *** OF AN EX-HUSBAND ON THE RED CARPET.
SHE SEEMED TO GET OVER IT, SO...
BETWEEN ME AND YOU,
SHE'S GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN THAT.
- WHAT? - THEY WANT HER OFF THE MOVIE.
ACCORDING TO CHERYL, WITH HER HISTORY,
THE STUDIO DIDN'T WANT TO BOND HER TO BEGIN WITH, SO...
- WHO WOULD REPLACE HER?
- I DON'T KNOW.
BUT IF SHE LOOKS HALF AS GOOD AS YOU IN THAT DRESS,
THEN I WILL BE ONE HAPPY LEADING MAN.
- YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT
BECAUSE I'M EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE.
- MAYBE.
- WHAT?
- TIM? TIMMY?
- TED. - TED.
- TIMMY. [laughs]
- HE'S NOT THE RIGHT ONE. - AND YOU KNOW THAT HOW?
- I CAN HEAR IT IN YOUR BREATHING.
- IS THAT SO? - YEAH.
IT'S ALL JAGGED AND UNEVEN.
A LITTLE LIKE IT IS NOW, YOU KNOW?
- YOU KNOW, HER REP SAID THAT SHE'S CLEAN.
I THINK I BELIEVE HER.
- OH, YEAH. UNLESS, OF COURSE,
SHE'S ONE OF THOSE RARE CELEBRITIES
WHO'S INTO SELF-DESTRUCTION.
- OKAY, THERE'S SELF-DESTRUCTION,
AND THEN THERE'S DROPPING
A NUCLEAR WARHEAD ON YOUR CAREER.
I'M NOT BUYING IT.
- WILLA, HER BOYFRIEND THE BASEBALL PLAYER--
HE SEEMED LIKE HE MIGHT GET A KICK
OUT OF SEEING HER CRASH AND BURN.
MAYBE HE DOPED HER.
- HER EX-HUSBAND?
ISN'T THAT THE EQUIVALENT OF THE BUTLER DID IT?
WHAT'S HIS MOTIVE?
- HE'S HER EX-HUSBAND.
- SOLD, I GUESS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
PASS ME THOSE PACKETS OF SWEETENER.
- WHAT FOR?
- JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT A JOCK
DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T FOLLOW SPORTS.
OUR MAN TREY HAS BEEN KNOWN TO HOWL AT THE MOON.
- I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOU IN MUSIC VIDEOS.
- OH, YEAH. LIKE KANYE, EASTSIDE, AND STUFF.
- YOU KNOW, WE ACTUALLY HAVE
A REALLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH VH1.
- YEP. - REALLY?
- I'M SURE THEY WOULD BE INTERESTED.
- THEY'D GO CRAZY, MAN. STEP ON IN.
YIPPEE SKIPPEE.
JUST, UH, DO THIS.
- OH, DID WE LOCK THE D-- - OH, MY--
- OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY. OH, ***.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I GOT MY OWN PARTY.
- OH. - WHOO-HOO.
- GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.
- THAT'S GREAT. I LOVE THAT STUFF.
- GREAT.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT WHAT HAPPENED TO TREY'S EX TONIGHT
IS GONNA HURT HIM, DO YOU? - UH, NO, NO.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH CONTACT WITH HER NOWADAYS,
DO YOU?
- NO, THANK YOU. I'VE HAD MY FILL OF CRAZY.
- YEAH. MAN, THAT WAS SOME INSANE *** TONIGHT, HUH?
- YEAH. BUT YOU KNOW WHO'S REALLY GETTING SCREWED HERE?
ME. OKAY?
MY PRENUP SAYS HALF OF EVERYTHING THAT SHE MAKES,
I GET.
NO ONE'S GONNA HIRE HER NOW.
I SWEAR THAT *** DID THAT JUST TO SPITE ME.
- OH. OH, GO AHEAD.
- HEY, PARTY TIME.
SEE, PAULSON'S TOO GREEDY.
- HE WANTS MONEY.
- RIGHT. AND HE, YOU KNOW, DOES NOT LIKE HER.
- HATES HER. - BUT HE WOULD NOT JEOPARDIZE...
- THE MONEY. - SO SHE'S GONNA LOSE THE MOVIE.
- YOU KNOW THE HOLT MCLAREN MOVIE?
- RIGHT. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO'D WANT TO SEE THAT.
- DUMPING HER? - THE STUDIO MAYBE.
- JESUS.
SHUT UP.
- MIA?
- AH, THERE SHE IS.
MY HEIR APPARENT.
- I-I JUST--
I WANTED TO THANK YOU SO MUCH,
BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN MY IDOL
SINCE I CAN REMEMBER,
AND THAT OUT THERE...
[recorder clicks] I'M JUST--I'M SO HONORED.
- THANKS.
THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
- I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE
WE COULD DO THE PRESS ROOM TOGETHER.
AND THAT WAY I COULD BE COMPLETELY HONEST
ABOUT MY REACTION,
AND IT WOULD JUST BE ABOUT THE MUSIC AND...
- OH.
DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, SHARLEE,
BUT WE'RE--WE'RE DONE HERE.
- OH. I JUST THOUGHT...
- YEAH, WELL, THAT'S A PROBLEM.
- I'M SORRY, I DON'T-- I'M NOT...
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND.
- AH, SURE YOU DO. THINK ABOUT IT.
OUR KISS WAS NO DIFFERENT
THAN YOU FLASHING YOUR ***
GETTING OUT OF A LIMO
OR CUTTING YOUR HAIR FOR THE PAPARAZZI.
WE'RE IN THE BUSINESS OF BEING PROVOCATIVE.
THAT'S OUR JOB--
STAYING RELEVANT
IN A WORLD WITH AN ATTENTION SPAN OF A MAGPIE.
THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,
I JUST ADDED ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES
TO WHAT LITTLE IS LEFT OF YOUR 15.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, SHARLEE.
- I DO ADMIRE YOU IN YOUR DEAD ANIMAL.
WE'RE ALL CREATIONS TO A DEGREE,
BUT YOU-- YOU'VE BUILT AN EMPIRE
ON NOTHING BUT SMOKE AND NARY ENOUGH TALENT
OR GRAY MATTER TO FLOAT A SPOON.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
- YOU KNOW, ALL THIS BITTERNESS...
MAKES YOU LOOK OLD.
- HEY, CAN I BUM A SMOKE?
- SURE.
- HAVEN'T HAD A CIGARETTE IN ALMOST THREE YEARS.
NOT A DAY GOES BY WHERE I DON'T THINK
ABOUT LIGHTING ONE UP.
CAN I GET A LIGHT?
GAVE UP GAMBLING. I GAVE UP SMOKING.
*** AND ***--
THAT'S ALL I GOT LEFT.
I'M SURE AS HELL NOT GIVING UP EITHER ONE OF THOSE.
- I HEAR YOU.
- ESPECIALLY WITH THE PIECE OF ***
I'M BANGING RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, I'VE HAD MY FAIR SHARE, YOU KNOW?
HOW COULD YOU NOT, LIVING IN THIS TOWN?
BUT I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, MAN.
LUCY SPILLER...
SHE'S ONE *** GIRL.
- [chuckles]
- I KNOW SHE LOOKS ALL *** THE OUTSIDE,
BUT I GET HER BENT OVER MY SOFA,
I SMACK HER *** A LITTLE BIT,
AND SHE STARTS HOWLING AT--
- WHOA. WHOA.
- HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU, TIMMY?
GOT SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY, BUDDY?
- WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
- I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT?
I SHOULDN'T HAVE, BUT HE HAD IT COMING TO HIM.
- BECAUSE WHY?
WHAT DID HE SAY?
THAT I WAS A ***?
THAT I PUT OUT?
WHAT ARE YOU, 16?
WHAT WORLD ARE YOU LIVING IN?
HE PLAYED YOU.
- ALL RIGHT. SO WHAT? SO HE PLAYED ME.
WHO CARES? - THIS IS A BIG MISTAKE.
- YEAH, IT'S A BIG MISTAKE, AND YOU'RE MAKING IT.
- YOUR FRIEND ADAM IS QUITE A CHARACTER.
- OH. YOU LIKE HIM?
- WELL, HE'S RICH, HANDSOME, ARROGANT,
AND HE LOOKS AT ME LIKE I'M COVERED IN BEARNAISE SAUCE.
WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?
- WELL, HE TOLD ME
THAT HE FINDS YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE.
- IS THAT MY CUE TO JUMP UP AND DOWN AND CLAP?
- OH, WHAT IS IT WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN AND BILE?
- WHAT IS IT ABOUT RICH MEN AND ENTITLEMENT?
- WELL, I'M JUST SAYING...
IT MIGHT BE INTERESTING.
- SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'RE PIMPING ME OFF TO YOUR BOSS.
- JEN. JEN, JEN, JEN, JEN.
I LOVE YOU...
LIKE--LIKE AN 18-YEAR-OLD SCOTCH.
BUT LET'S NOT REWRITE HISTORY HERE.
BEFORE TONIGHT, I HADN'T SEEN YOU IN THREE MONTHS.
- ALL RIGHT. TRUE.
SO I SEE HOW ONE COULD CONSTRUE
THAT TO MEAN THEY HAVE THE RIGHT
TO TRADE ME LIKE AN OLD BASEBALL CARD.
- I'M NOT TRADING YOU, SWEETHEART.
I'M NOT.
I'M--I'M...
I'M ALERTING YOU. MWAH.
TO AN OPPORTUNITY.
- ONE MILLION DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT.
- OH, GOD.
- JUST LIKE THE MOVIE.
- TWO IF HIS GIRLFRIEND STICKS AROUND.
- THE GUY CAN HAVE ANYBODY HE WANTS, ALL RIGHT?
HE DOESN'T HAVE TO PAY FOR SEX.
- SWEETHEART, EVERYBODY PAYS FOR SEX.
- SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.
- MM. YOU HAVE VERY BEAUTIFUL TOES.
- DON'T YOU THINK I TRIED THE AGENTS?
NOBODY IS GOING TO SAY ANYTHING
UNTIL THEY CAST A REPLACEMENT.
- QUIET. SORRY, GREG, WHAT WAS THAT?
YEAH.
GOT IT.
NO. THANKS, MAN.
OKAY, UM, HE HEARD THE EXECS SAY
THAT THE WHOLE THING IS A BLESSING IN DISGUISE, OKAY?
STUDIO HAD BUYER'S REMORSE ON HER DEAL FROM THE GET-GO.
THEY EVEN FLOATED THE IDEA
TO HER AGENTS OF PUTTING HER ON A DIFFERENT MOVIE.
- HOW FORTUITOUS.
YOU DON'T THINK IT WAS THE STUDIO THAT DOPED HER
SO THAT THEY COULD CANCEL HER CONTRACT?
- WHY NOT? THIS IS HOLLYWOOD.
OOH, DO YOU HAVE THOSE BUSINESS-AFFAIRS SOURCES
AT THE STUDIO?
- WHO DO YOU THINK I'M CALLING, EINSTEIN?
- OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
- I TALKED TO JEN. - WHO?
- MY DATE.
- THEY USUALLY TAKE 30 MINUTES TO KICK IN.
SPECIAL BLEND--
A LITTLE "E," A LITTLE SPEED, A LITTLE DXM.
- SHE WANTS A MILLION DOLLARS FOR THE NIGHT.
TWO IF NICOLINA'S ON THE DANCE CARD.
- BRENT, BRENT.
BRENT.
AN AMBIGUOUSLY WORDED CLAUSE
MY LAWYERS WOULD HAVE FOUND EVENTUALLY
IS ONE THING,
BUT THIS IS A REAL TEST
OF YOUR VALUE.
MY OFFER TO JEN IS MY COMPANY, NOTHING ELSE.
WORK WITH THAT.
- I'M SORRY. - FOR WHAT?
- COME ON, YOU'RE TOO SMART TO PLAY STUPID.
- REALLY?
I THINK I PLAYED STUPID REALLY WELL.
DO YOU LOVE HIM?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- [scoffs, sighs]
- WHAT?
- I THOUGHT WE WEREN'T GONNA PLAY STUPID.
BYE.
- I REALLY LOVE WHAT I DO.
I'M ASHAMED AT...
HOW MUCH I LOVE WHAT I DO, BUT...
IF I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING IN LIFE,
THE MUSIC IS...
- I THINK YOU SING BEAUTIFULLY.
- REALLY?
- TATTERED, YOUR THIRD CD? IT'S ALL I LISTEN TO NOW.
I'M 41 YEARS OLD, AND IT'S ALL I LISTEN TO.
I LOVE THE INCONGRUITY.
- WHAT IS THAT?
- YOU KNOW, THE ABSURDITY OF SOMETHING WHEN...
YOU KNOW, LIKE, WHEN THINGS DON'T GO TOGETHER.
- LIKE US?
- YEAH.
- WILL YOU KISS ME, DON?
LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE KISS?
- HERE'S SOME EARLY SELECTS FOR THE ADVANCE.
UM, ART DEPARTMENT'S ALREADY GOT THEM.
THEY JUST NEED YOUR APPROVAL.
WE THOUGHT YOU COULD USE THAT FOR THE ED. LETTER.
- CLAIRE LELAND'S MOVIE, THE PLANTATION--
CALL YOUR SOURCE
AND SEE IF THEY HAVE A START DATE.
- I PRESENTED YOUR OFFER.
- AND?
I WISH THEY'D LET YOU SMOKE IN HERE.
WHAT?
- THAT'S IT?
- APPARENTLY.
- YOU LIKE MY JAGUAR?
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- JUST HAD IT DETAILED.
- WELL, YOU SHOULD GET YOUR MONEY BACK,
'CAUSE YOU CAN STILL SMELL THE DESPERATION WHEN YOU GET IN.
[chuckles]
- WHAT YOU DO TONIGHT
TO ONE PERSON
I'VE HAD TO DO COUNTLESS TIMES OVER YEARS.
- I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE BRAGGING OR LAMENTING.
DO ME A FAVOR.
IF THE WORLD SHOULD GO UP IN FLAMES TOMORROW
AND IT'S JUST YOU AND ME LEFT...
PRETEND YOU DIDN'T SEE ME.
- CLAIRE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- FOR WHAT? - YOUR NEW JOB.
YOU'RE TAKING JASMINE FORD'S PART IN FEAR TACTIC.
- I DOUBT IT. I THINK I'D HAVE HEARD.
- WELL, YOU HEARD ABOUT THE PLANTATION.
I MEAN, IT'S SHUTTING DOWN.
- I HAD NO IDEA.
- REALLY?
WHAT--WHAT WAS IT?
WAS IT, UM, KETAMINE THAT YOU PUT IN JASMINE'S DIET COKE?
OR ***? ROHYPNOL?
DID YOU DO IT BY YOURSELF, OR DID YOU GET HELP?
- YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND LIKE YOUR MAGAZINE.
WHY DON'T YOU SAVE IT FOR YOUR MEMOIRS?
BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PRINT IT.
- I'M SURE I'LL FIND A WAY.
GOOD LUCK.
- I'VE DECIDED TO KEEP BOTH WOMEN.
BUT IN EXCHANGE,
YOU GET THE WEBSITE AND THE OPTIONS,
AND SINCE YOU DID DISCOVER
THE PROPERTIES BEFORE MY LAWYERS,
LET'S ADD A FINDER'S FEE,
SAY, 2 1/2% ON THE HUNDRED MIL.
- [coughing]
- A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR ALL YOUR EFFORTS TONIGHT.
ONE OF MY ASSISTANTS JUST DROPPED IT OFF.
IT'S OUTSIDE.
- [laughing]
ALL RIGHT!
OH!
[pop music playing]
♪ ♪
MWAH!
[volume increases]
ONE! TWO!
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
[tires squeal]
- HEY. WHAT'D YOU GET?
- OH, I GOT TO GO HOME AND LOOK--
LOOK AT SOME STUFF, YOU KNOW.
- ALL RIGHT, DON, STOP IT.
WHAT ABOUT THE TAPE RECORDER?
DON, I NEED THIS.
I HAVE NOTHING ON JASMINE.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE.
SHARLEE AND MIA-- THAT IS IT.
- I'M SORRY, LUCY, YOU KNOW.
THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
SHARLEE WENT AND SAID HI TO MIA, AND THAT WAS IT.
I COULDN'T GET A STORY.
- OKAY, WHICH WAS IT?
THERE WAS NOTHING THERE, OR YOU COULDN'T GET IT?
- NOTHING THERE.
- OKAY.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. GIVE ME THE RECORDER.
- [grunts]
- DON, GIVE IT TO ME.
SHE IS NOT A PERSON. SHE IS A PRODUCT.
IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER THAT,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE SOME TIME OFF.
- I SHOULD'VE CALLED. - FORGET IT.
- NO, IT'S-- EMAILS ARE SO IMPERSONAL.
YOU KNOW, I JUST-- I JUST THOUGHT--
- I NEVER GOT AN EMAIL.
- I SENT IT FROM MY PERSONAL ACCOUNT.
- I DON'T OPEN EMAILS FROM UNKNOWN SENDERS.
- WELL, I FIGURED THAT AFTER WE SLEPT TOGETHER,
THE LEAST I COULD DO IS GIVE YOU MY PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS.
- THAT IS SO SWEET.
- WELL, I TRY.
MMM.
- WHAT DID IT SAY? - WHAT?
- THE EMAIL. WHAT DID IT SAY?
- IT SAID THAT I THINK YOU'RE ACTUALLY A VERY GOOD REPORTER.
- OH.
[moaning]
- LUCY, LUCY, DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE?
[all chattering indistinctly]
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, I NEED A MINUTE!
- UM, SHE NEEDS A MINUTE.
[horn honks]
- OH, DON.
I WANT TO SEE YOU.
WHAT?
YOU KNOW THE DRILL.
CLOSE THE BOOK.
[door opens]
- ♪ SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE ♪
♪ THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO GROW ♪
♪ I CAUGHT A GLIMPSE INTO THE FUTURE ♪
♪ I FELT A STROKE OF SOMETHING VERY, VERY COLD ♪
♪ YOU'RE DREAMING OF A WOMAN ♪
♪ YOU'RE DREAMING OF YOUR DEATH ♪
♪ MAYBE IF YOU PLAY THE GAME HARDER ♪
♪ MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T FEEL ALL THAT REGRET ♪
♪ WE'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ WE'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ I'M NOT BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ TO ME ♪
[ranchero music plays]
♪ ♪