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Alright, rule number one: you're paying for everything.
Fine. Rule number two: Don't interrupt the movie with all mouth on mouth crap?
Do you mean kissing?
Yep.
Okay. Fine. Whatever. Rule number three: If I find a guy that's more attractive than you,
I'm going to go talk to them.
Ditto for me.
What?
I mean, I mean, with girls. That rule, I mean, the one you just said, with a girl... for
me.
Fine.
Me on a girl.
But seriously who are you gonna find here that's more attractive than me?
Pssh...says the pot. To me. The kettle. Um, calling me black. Like, I'm the pot, you're
the kettle. You're calling me black.
Yeah I got it.
Yeah, okay, so. Great, good, glorious.
Great. Now go buy me some *** junior mints. I'm going to the bathroom.
Wait, are you going number one or are you taking a ***?
The *** did you just ask me?
Are you going to the lazy river or log jammer?
Okay, you've just gone way too far.
I just want to know if I have enough time to play Cruising USA.
All I'm going in there to do is take stock of the other girls that are here and make
sure that I'm prettiest.
Alright so definitely at least one round. Nice. Thank you.
Real talk, T: I bet you Dwayne Johnson would be a bottom.
Oh T, anybody who spends the majority of his adult life in speedos and boots is definitely
a bottom. Oh my god, I'm so bad!
I wouldn't mind putting my Rock in his Bottom!
Oh my god, you're so bad!
Thank you!
Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do, what you gonna do when they come for you? Have
***!
Oh hey, Tanner...Tanner...Tanner...Tan-man...Tan the man...Tanner...Tanner... Tanny... Tanny
boy!
Goddamit. Hey Jonathan, what's going on?
What's going on is Than just scored himself a big win at the claw machine. Check out the
puppy. Cute little ***.
Oh, Tanner, I don't believe I've had the pleasure of being introduced to your shirtless friend-
Tristan, this is Jona-
Ub,bub,bub!
Tristan, Than.
Than, right? Just rolls right off the tongue, right. Than.
Oh yes, just right off the tongue and right into somebody's mouth, Than.
I just told my mom that yesterday, that's so funny. So are you one of Tanner's football
buddies?
Well, I suppose we do play with a lot of balls, don't we sweetie?
Uh, Tristan-
But no, I don't really play football myself. I'm more of an ice dancer man.
Oh cool. Yeah I don't play football either. A little too gay if you ask me! All those
butts, and those pants, and all those dudes slapping the butts that are in the pants and
um, Tom Brady, and I don't know, wait what were we talking about?
So Jonathan, um, do you come to movie theaters by yourself often?
Ha funny Tanner! I just so happen to be here with a girl!
Hahaha! Wait why am I the only one laughing? That wasn't a joke? Isn't he, uh-
Yeah but he doesn't really-
Awwww, oh-
Mmhmm, yeah-
Uh what are we even doing right now>
Oh nothing sweetie, just- so, uh, what are you and your little ladyfriend here to see?
The new Ryan Gosling movie.
Oh that's nice. Which one?
I don't know, I stopped reading after the Ryan Gosling part. Does it matter?
No, sweetie, not to you. Not to you.
So what are you guys doing, guys' night?
Yes, well, I guess you could say that.
We just saw Pain & Gain.
Aw man, I've been dying to see that!
Of course you have.
Was it good?
Oh, it was fabulous!
Lots of action?
Lots of action!
How were the pecs? Lots of built bodies right, dudes taking their shirts off, hitting each
other and ***-
Yes, yes yes yes, Than, there were definitely a lot of those, buddy.
Yeah, I don't know if you can tell, but I'm kind of fitness enthusiast myself.
Oh trust me, sweetie, I was able to tell the minute I met you.
Oh hi Tanner, hi Tanner's boyfriend. (To Than) Where are my junior mints?
Wait, wha-what the hell did you just say?
I asked you where the *** my Junior Mints were, I told you buy me a pack before I went
to the bathroom.
Yeah, and then right before that you said what?
I was saying hi to Tanner and his boyfriend. Where the *** are my mints?
Wait, Tanner, whoa, you said you guys were having a dudes' night?
Oh, we are Jonathan.
Yup, just a night out for two dudes that involves the gayest movie of the summer and the best
beej of this one's life!
Oh!
Wait, so what you're saying to me, from your mouths, is that Tristan, you are Tanner's
under-
Oh my God, are you *** kidding me? You didn't even buy me junior mints. Will you
give me your wallet!
I've got to say, Jonathan, that's quite the beard you've got there.
Aw thanks, I haven't shaved in a few weeks. I'm going for a Gosling.
Oh aren't we all honey!
So wait, before we spend too much time talking about my beard, and I do want to circle back
to that. So you're telling me that the two of you have um-
Go on. Have what, Jonathan?
Um, the two of you have-
Mmhmm.
With both of your-
Go ahead.
On... one of you takes-
Yes-
Over-
Yes, sweetie, we'll be doing "um" with each other multiple times tonight!
Oh, uh, cool. I mean, gross. Ugh, what, oh, how does that work? Exactly?
You really want to know, don't you?
What, no, yes, kind of. No, I want to know what to watch out for when I'm having my sex,
which is great, with Brittnay. All the time.
There, was that that *** hard? I also bought myself an ICEE. Because Lord knows
I deserve it. What are we talking about?
Oh your boyfriend was just telling us about all the sex you two have been having all the
time.
Right, yeah, we- we have all the sex. All of it. Only in my butt though. I'm not a ***.
I guess that makes me a *** nun!
Oh god, yeah sooooo much sex.
Really?
Yes, why is that so hard to believe?
Oh sweetie, because you're gayer than Perez Hilton's ***!
What?
What?
No he's not!
No he's not! No, I'm not, me, I'm not, no, what, no.
Oh come on Than, what straight man walks around all day every day without his shirt on?
Uh, gee, let me think. Uh, Matthew McConaughey? Channing Tatum? Joe Mangianello?
You do realize you're just listing off cast members of Magic Mike?
Oh I'm sorry, was that the name of that movie? I thought it was called the bible. Besides
shirts are constricting. I'm not about constricting. I'm like letting it loose. I'm like being
out there. I let it happen. Free nips and free hips, that's me.
I couldn't agree more. I'm letting it happen right now!
Alright, first of all, you are *** adorable and I love everything about you.
Oh my god. Right back at you, ***!
Oh my god you're the *** you ***!
No you're the ***!
***!
***!
Someone call me ***.
Ok! We get it! You're all ***.
Okay. Second of all, we are going to have to resume this conversation about my boy-
about Than's sexuality at a later time. Because the conversation is ridiculous. And because
the movie is starting and if I miss the previews, I'm going to shove these junior mints dead
in someone's ***!
Hello.
Mmmm... well that sounds like a party. Than, you sure you don't want to come back to my
place and play tummy sticks with us?
Um, I mean-
Tristan! Don't tease.
I'm kidding! It was a joke. Besides, you know I take monogamy very seriously.
Yeah right so sorry- I was just- I wasn't- they weren't- hey babe they were just kidding
about tummy sticks! It was a joke. Right it was just-
Yeah, it was totally a just joke. Still cute as ***.