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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ED AND TO ALL THE OTHER BOARD
MEMBERS, TO HONORED GUESTS AND
TO THE LOVELY FIRST LADY --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING.
ED'S RIGHT.
I WORK A LOT.
AND SO I WASN'T SURE THAT I
SHOULD ACTUALLY COME TONIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
HE LEANED OVER AND HE SAID,
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS A BIG [BEEP] MEAL!
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S BEEN QUITE A YEAR SINCE
I'VE SPOKEN HERE LAST.
LOTS OF UPS, LOTS OF DOWNS,
EXCEPT FOR MY APPROVAL RATINGS,
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THAT'S POLITICS.
IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
BESIDES, I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT
MY APPROVAL RATINGS ARE STILL
VERY HIGH IN THE COUNTRY OF MY
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND THEN THE OTHER DAY, MY
DEAR FRIEND, HILLARY CLINTON
PULLED ME ASIDE AND GAVE ME A
PEP TALK AND SAID DESPITE THE
NUMBERS, DON'T WORRY, BRALK,
YOU'RE LIKEABLE ENOUGH, WHICH
[LAUGHTER]
I MAY NOT HAVE HAD THE STAR
POWER THAT I ONCE HAD, BUT IN MY
[LAUGHTER]
PEOPLE SAY TO ME, MR.
PRESIDENT, YOU SAVED THE BANKING
INDUSTRY AND GM AND CHRYSLER.
WHAT ABOUT THE NEWS BUSINESS?
I HAVE TO EXPLAIN, HEY, I'M JUST
THE PRESIDENT, I'M NOT A MIRACLE
[LAUGHTER]
THOUGH I'M GLAD THAT THE ONLY
PERSON WHOSE RATINGS FELL MORE
THAN MINE.
GREAT TO SEE YOU, JAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'M GLAD THAT I'M SPEAKING
FIRST, BECAUSE WE HAVE ALL SEEN
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEBODY TAKES
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BY THE WAY, ALL OF THE JOKES
HERE TONIGHT ARE BROUGHT TO YOU
BY OUR FRIENDS AT GOLDMAN SACHS.
SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY, THEY
[LAUGHTER]
WE DO HAVE A NUMBER OF
NOTABLE GUESTS IN ATTENDANCE
HERE TONIGHT.
OBVIOUSLY, I'M MOST PLEASED THAT
MICHELLE ACCOMPANIED ME.
SHE DOESN'T ALWAYS GO TO THESE
[APPLAUSE]
AND THERE ARE FEW THINGS IN
LIFE THAT ARE HARDER TO FIND AND
.
WELL, LOVE AND A BIRTH
[LAUGHTER]
THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE HERE.
THEY'RE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.
SASHA AND MA LEA ARE HUGE FANS,
BUT BOYS, DON'T GET ANY IDEAS.
I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU.
PREDATOR DRONES.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
SPEAKING OF TWEEN HEART
[LAUGHTER]
I ADMIRE SCOTT.
A POLITICIAN IN WASHINGTON WITH
[LAUGHTER]
NOW YOU SHOULD BE AWARE THAT
SCOTT BROWN IS NOT THE ONLY ONE
WITH A CELLATIOUS FLOATING
AROUND.
DAVID AXELROD WAS OFFERED ONE.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT KRISPY KREME
[LAUGHTER]
I SAW MICHAEL STEELE BACK
STAGE WHEN WE WERE TAKING
PICTURES, A.K.A., NOTORIOUS
G.O.P.
HE KNOWS WHAT HURTS TODAY,
[LAUGHTER]
MY BROTHER.
I DID A SIMILAR ROUTINE LAST
YEAR BUT IT ALWAYS WORKED.
ODDS ARE THAT THE SALAHIS ARE
[LAUGHTER]
THERE HAVEN'T BEEN PEOPLE
MORE UNWELCOME AT A PARTY SINCE
[LAUGHTER]
UNFORTUNATELY JOHN MCCAIN
COULDN'T MAKE IT.
RECENTLY HE CLAIMED HE NEVER
IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS A
MAVERICK.
AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN
ARIZONA WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE I.D.
[LAUGHTER]
I FEEL FOR JOHN.
WE WERE ON THE ROAD TOGETHER AND
OBVIOUSLY HAD A HARD-FOUGHT
BATTLE AND YOU LEARN THAT
POLITICS ISN'T EASY.
THIS YEAR, I HAVE EXPERIENCED MY
SHARE OF DISAPPOINTMENTS.
FOR EXAMPLE, I HAD MY HEART SET
ON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR PSYCHICS.
[LAUGHTER]
SPEAKING OF UNDESERVED
HONORS, A FEW WEEKS AGO, I WAS
ABLE TO THROW OUT THE FIRST
PITCH AT THE NATIONALS GAME.
AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW IT,
BUT I THREW IT A LITTLE HIGH AND
A LITTLE OUTSIDE.
THIS IS HOW FOX NEWS COVERED IT.
"PRESIDENT PANDERS TO EXTREME
.
MSNBC HAD A DIFFERENT TAKE.
PRESIDENT PITCHES NO-HITTER.
[LAUGHTER] AND THEN CNN WENT A
DIFFERENT WAY ALL TOGETHER.
ICELAND.
WHEN YOU THINK OF VOLCANO, YOU
THINK OF HAWAII.
YOU DON'T THINK OF ICELAND.
YOU THINK IT'S TOO COLD TO HAVE
A VOLCANO THERE.
I GUESS THAT'S WHY THEY ARE
[LAUGHTER]
LOOK, I HAVE A REPUTATION FOR
GIVING CABLE A HARD TIME, SO
LET'S PICK ON POLITICO FOR A
WHILE.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ATTACK POLITICO
FOR PUTTING A NEW FOCUS ON
TRIVIAL ISSUES, POLITICAL
FODDER, GOSSIP SHEET.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
POLITICO'S BEEN DOING THIS FOR
CENTURIES NOW.
CHECK OUT THE HEADLINES.
OUR RESEARCHERS FOUND THESE.
JAPAN SERNEDERS, WHERE'S THE
BOUNCE?
THEN THERE'S THIS ONE, LINCOLN
SAVES UNION, BUT CAN HE SAVE
HOUSE MAJORITY?
THERE IS A LITTLE PORTION THERE.
HE HAS LOST THE SOUTHERN WHITE
[LAUGHTER]
AN ANALYSIS THERE.
AND MY FAVORITE, JULY 3, 1776,
SENIOR WHIG OFFICIAL, TALKS
BREAK DOWN, INDEPENDENCE DEAD.
SOME SO THIS IS NOTHING NEW.
EVEN THOUGH THE MAINSTREAM PRESS
GIVES ME A HARD TIME, I HEAR
THAT I'M STILL PRETTY BIG ON
TWITTER, FACEBOOK OR AS SARAH
PALIN CALLS IT, THE SOCIALIZED
[LAUGHTER]
OF COURSE, THAT'S NOT THE
ONLY THING THAT WE HAVE BEEN
YEAR.
YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD THAT WE
PASSED THE HEALTH CARE BILL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND WAS THAT ROGER APPLAUDING
OUT THERE?
SOME REPUBLICANS HAVE SUGGESTED
THAT THE BILL CONTAINS A FEW
SECRET PROVISIONS.
AND THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THERE AREN'T A FEW SECRET
PROVISIONS IN THE HEALTH CARE
PLAN.
[LAUGHTER]
TONIGHT, IN THE INTEREST OF
TRANSPARENCY, I WOULD LIKE TO
SHARE A COUPLE.
LET'S SEE.
THIS PROVISION IS CALLED THE BAY
STATE OF DENIAL.
IT READS, THIS BILL SHALL COVER
SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS RELATING
TO THE PASSAGE OF MASSACHUSETTS'
HEALTH CARE REFORM.
GOOD NEWS.
YOUR CONDITION IS COVERED.
THIS NEXT PROVISION IS CALLED
THE JERSEY SHORE-UP.
IT READS, THE FOLLOWING
INDIVIDUALS SHALL BE EXCLUDED
FROM THE INDOOR TANNING TAX
WITHIN THIS BILL.
SNOOKIE, JAY WOW, THE SITUATION
AND HOUSE MINORITY LEADER JOHN
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS PROVISION PUT A COMMON
MISCONCEPTION TO REST.
IT SAYS RIGHT HERE.
IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THE RULING OF
YOUR DEATH PANEL, YOU CAN
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, LOOK, OBVIOUSLY, I HAVE
LEARNED THAT POLITICS CAN BE A
TOUGH BUSINESS, BUT THERE ARE
TIMES THAT YOU JUST CAN'T HELP
BUT LAUGH.
YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY TICKLES ME?
[LAUGHTER]
APPARENTLY *** CLAIMED THAT
RAHM CAME UP TO HIM ONE DAY IN
THE HOUSE LOCKER ROOM STARK
NAKED, STARTED SCREAMING OBJECT
SEN TIES AT HIM TO WHICH I SAY,
[LAUGHTER]
I FEEL YA!
IT'S A TENSE MOMENT.
YOU KNOW, EVEN AS WE ENJOY EACH
OTHER'S COMPANY TONIGHT, WE ARE
ALSO MINDFUL OF THE INCREDIBLE
STRUGGLES OF OUR FELLOW
AMERICANS IN THE GULF COAST,
BOTH THOSE LEADING THE EFFORTS
TO STEM THIS CRISIS AND THOSE
ALONG THE COAST WHOSE
LIVELIHOODS ARE IN JEOPARDY AS A
RESULT OF THE SPILL.
ALSO IN OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS
ARE THE MEN AND WOMEN IN UNIFORM
WHO PUT THEIR LIVES AT RISK EACH
[APPLAUSE]
IN THAT SPIRIT, I WOULD ALSO
PAY A TRIBUTE TO THE JOURNALISTS
WHO PLAY AN EXTRAORDINARY ROLE
IN TELLING THEIR STORIES.
EARLIER TODAY, I GAVE THE
COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS IN MICHIGAN
WHERE I SPOKE TO THE GRADUATES
ABOUT WHAT IS REQUIRED TO KEEP
OUR DEMOCRACY THRIVING IN THE 21
CENTURY.
AND ONE OF THE POINTS I MADE FOR
ALL THE CHANGES AND CHALLENGES
FACING YOUR INDUSTRY, THIS
COUNTRY ABSOLUTELY NEEDS A
HEALTHY, VIBRANT MEDIA.
PROBABLY NEEDS IT MORE THAN EVER
NOW.
TODAY'S TECHNOLOGY HAS MADE IT
POSSIBLE FOR US TO GET OUR NEWS
AND INFORMATION FROM A GROWING
RANGE OF SOURCES.
WE CAN PICK AND CHOOSE NOT ONLY
OUR PREFERRED TYPE OF MEDIA, BUT
ALSO OUR PREFERRED PERSPECTIVE
AND WHILE THAT EXPOSES US TO AN
UNPRECEDENTED ARRAY OF OPINIONS
AND POINTS OF VIEW, IT MAKES IT
THAT MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAT WE
ARE OPERATING ON A COMMON
BASELINE OF FACTS.
IT MAKES IT THAT MUCH MORE
IMPORTANT THAT JOURNALISTS OUT
THERE SEEK ONLY THE TRUTH.
AND I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT.
SOME OF YOU ARE SEASONNED
VETERANS WHO HAVE BEEN ON THE
POLITICAL BEAT FOR DECADES.
OTHERS HERE TONIGHT BEGAN THEIR
AGO.
IT'S FAIR TO SAY THAT EVERY
SINGLE REPORTER IN THIS ROOM
BELIEVES DEEPLY IN THE
ENTERPRISE OF JOURNALISM.
EVERY ONE OF YOU, EVEN THE MOST
CYNICAL AMONG YOU CHERISHES THE
FREE PRESS AND PRESERVATION OF
OUR SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT AND OUR
WAY OF LIFE.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT FOR ALL
THE JOKES AND THE OCCASIONAL
WELL.
IN FACT TONIGHT, I WANTED TO
PRESENT ALL OF YOU WITH A
BIPARTISAN CONGRESSIONAL
RESOLUTION THAT HONORS ALL THOSE
WONDERFUL CONTRIBUTIONS THAT
JOURNALISTS HAVE MADE TO OUR
COUNTRY AND THE WORLD, BUT
UNFORTUNATELY, I COULDN'T BREAK
THE FILIBUSTER.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYBODY.
GOD BLESS YOU AND GOD BLESS THE
[APPLAUSE]