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I thought moving back home would help But no...
All I can think about is how much I just don't want to live anymore
These past few weeks I've had to witness my life crumble before my eyes
The physical pain The emotional pain especially...
It's all just become too much. I sit all day and think...
Inside my mind is a scary place... Thinking has done nothing but further guide
me down the road to self-destruction I desire to start cutting again
But I am no longer satisfied with the temporary relief that it brings
Nor the falsity of the happiness in which it makes me feel
It gives me the impression that I am under control of my own pain...
As if when and why I was hurting was my choice Under my control
All the while failing to realize that the control in which I desired
The control in which I thought I had obtained Was nothing more than a figment of my disillusioned
imagination I failed to realize that my actions of cutting
had been determined by circumstance in which were out of my control
Those of which that were so far beyond my reach
The reality has set in that I haven't and may never have control of my own life
I desire happiness In the past momentary happiness had been deceitful,
tricking me into believing the creases upon my cheeks formed by a smile across my lips
were actually real Forcing me to believe that happiness was something
obtainable Something of which one day I may have
But the real pain arrives when reality comes trundling long over the fairy tale in which
I have allowed myself to use as a foundation for my sanity
This foundation served as hope This foundation has completely deteriorated
from the tears of which I cry everyday The collapse of this foundation acted in such
ways of the domino affect My heart and my soul had soon followed suit
I am shattered to the point of no return. No two pieces of my heart shall ever fit together
again There is no point of even trying
There are neither words nor actions that can counteract the destruction that has already
been done I have been on the road of self-destruction
for far too long But where I am now is territory of which is
no longer familiar An area in which I have never been
It's dark It's lonely
It's cold How is it I have walked this rode for so long
and have yet to reach this destination? I have taken all the turns, the path in which
this rode has to offer. I have turned left at the sign that said "happiness
beyond this point" and that way led me to a razor
I have taken a right that said "find love" and that led me to someone whose name it hurts
too much to even say I have tripped and I have stumbled on doubt
I had fallen into a dark hole that I managed to get out
But where I am now... There are no signs.
There are no lefts, no rights No light...nobody.
Physically I don't want to be here My body desires to be elsewhere
Somewhere with someone and some things that give me hope
Somewhere where a true smile serves as the light leading me to the end of this tunnel...
But my heart...my soul... It longs for this location
It longs for the cold of the area to numb the pain that life has caused
It's desires the loneliness versus the false hope of love
It desires the darkness The ugliness of my face
My body Myself can't be seen
I didn't start here when I first began to travel this rode
There are no exits No lefts
No rights Nothing
I sit and I fight within myself the desire to give in to this darkness
The desire to live or to die My soul wants to live but it desires the relief
that only this darkness can guarantee I sit and I cry as I realize the location
in which my soul has drifted off to... It has desired The End, the moment the pain
began The moment my foot first grazed this road
of self-destruction I sit in this darkness and wonder exactly
which light I want to see The light at the end of life...
Or the light at the end of this dark forsaken tunnel....