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Els over others they tend to be very dominant who is a difficult to
with mmm
soul
let's look at the other side scale right what we call
relationship supporting behaviors these are behaviors that
support insure your ball relationships
these are all behaviors that
people who engage
in them how much better
much more satisfying
lasting relationships
time together people spend time together
and I'm going to make a few points in this one because
this first point time to get is a subject that the research that I was
part I'll
and it's a its it it's the substance of an article that
I'm presently submitted so I'll
it is something that I'm that I I've studied quite a bit so wanna sspend a
little time
on that um after this
the slide so time together and when we say time together we don't mean time in
the same space
right now is not
number to view the same house that's not time together
time together is exclusive
is both persons
focusing on the chart on the other Tom
sum up the more important aspects on the time together
people went to talk about themselves and their feelings
South disclosure is a big part of it mom
some people are very protective you feel very protective when you feel like I
have to build a swallow them I seventy at the god what I say
you time together with you is difficult being open and honest
about what you said about you about what you thinking and feeling
arm and the way you respond to the other in other words when someone
when the other person isn't disclosing to you your attitude to them
makes a lot of difference say they're sharing their
deepest darkest feelings to you and you say well you know get over it
one minute when when I was a kid when I grew up with you
think about such things you know them I wasn't a bother
I know this person who had the same problem and that has moved on what was
it will you bothered about
this does not an issue mean to you you there
it's affecting in a big way but
your partner is dismissing as something up no consequence
and each of us has to be very careful
about that because a key part
and what the research when I went to the research what it showed us
too is that arm men are very sensitive to the responses
women
are more likely to sell disclose men
who sub disclose put a lot of stress
on the responses that gets
from the white right she has two
respond both persons responses bit
but males tend to think more about the responses
they get emotional safety is a huge part
our time together arm that is supportive
in other words people need to feel safe and when we say people in the large
the what the lid did the research I've done
and Adam that which %uh read from other sources
alcee pretty much the same thing women
police by far
the greater emphasis on this issue of the emotional safety
women have to feel safe with you in water for
time together to be something that is enjoyable
and satisfactory for she's gotta feel that you are in states
person to be with chicken be herself and you will
accept it and support it and help harm
to fulfill that to its optimal degree otherwise
she will become very protective
so emotional cement men really
does not I didn't find it and I haven't read on any literature that says men
home be a lot of attention to this issue of emotional safety
not your the emotional states with you
meant don't seem to belittle I guess we're not socialized
to think that we we like to think more respect
she respects me that's
another thing they consider the needs of the other when making important
decisions
and the here's a key one that a lot of us
don't really spend the time thinking about being aware of the differences
between men and women
and being able to negotiate those differences successfully that's the key
thing
and that happens that affects
and shapes the quality of your time together
understanding the differences between you both and negotiating them in a way
that both to the field
happy and fulfilled
and I am touch is a very big part
%uh time together I am and
touch not feel up to two different things
rate
island people say fill-up you feel up the person is like to handle
handling laundry or something I mean is it time for feel up to you
I mean the this okay but in in in the
Brazil game but some
but in the context I'll a time together and beans the fourth
supportive touch is a huge part
on that and touch happens sometimes just very fleetingly
if you're if you're in the same space together says she is
on cutting vegetables in your washing the dishes a new pass by
you touch her nice least awfully affectionately that's a big deal
arm women feel a fund and support it that way
if you're describing unfeeling opens on that's a
been disrespectful even though you are husband
mmm okay so let's look at some
I'll the elements all rather
a few comments this is part of the day that I gathered
when I am is some distance people said
to us when we interviewed him couple we interviewed a bunch of couples
about did time together and howdy negotiated then we found
that some couples that we created four divisions based on
the responses we got some couples arm
enjoy the time together they were too high enjoyable time couple
some people were growing there were improving some people were
but moderate arm just kinda average around there
and and then you had those who have who are very
um lowell in the time together and we're
were not very well emotionally connected
so here's a here is a sample from from those who are a couple who had little
time together
this is the wife Linda this is not a real name of course
mmm Linda says
but when you come home it's not like we spend a lot of time together you know
Hwy and sometimes will sit and watch a show together
sitting on watching a TV show together is not
does not qualify as time together
what I found is could qualifies time together
depend on what you doing while watching shop
thank you very much but punch were together
on she says I'd go to bed because I'm tired
and he's usually up on Facebook or something I suspect that Facebook has
cause to marital
our problems what do you think
if you're up on facebook to 12 o'clock in the morning and the other person is
in the bed
you need to be careful
Europe on Facebook mining other people's business and
and and your spouse is right there for you to mind
and and you're ignoring him or her
so watch the facebook deal
but she says he's up on Facebook she's already sleeping
and what we found this couple was one that
had really low connection emotional connection spent little time together
and as a result the relationship was unsatisfactory
let's take a look at another one
this is one word gender differences arm
jet and us another aspect all those couples who had a wall relational
arm connection um they didn't understand
the differences between men and women and that both
was like walk behind your own walls
he didn't he doesn't understand me and she's then and he's saying she doesn't
understand me
right sold to me see says
over the years I've always bothered him and I like this couple
well i cud she he was he was a he was a trip
over the years I always bothered him and told him you need to take time with me
I feel so neglected you know recently I started studying for my boards
she was studying for her nursing boards on at the time
we had the interview but I've been on available
because I had to study
just coming out of the bedroom the study room to talk
and it has gotten to him eat them like I don't know I'll
his little is stressed out and I'm thinking is just one month
and yet I've been suffering for the past eight years you know
just he's good he's been he was throwing his lil
tantrums and so on because he couldn't get access to her for a month
and she says I did askin back in him for the past eight years
to take the time with me and this is contrasting the fact that he
didn't understand how much how important it was
for him to spend exclusive time
without the exclusivity up the tie me up that word
of the time together is really
really critical you can't you can't be
just together but doing other things on your mind as well as
elsewhere that's not being together especially not for the female
I think this this is a sample of
a couple who had high connection
emotionally safe environment the relationship was highly satisfactory she
says
I think when we started when we start feeling
polled in a thousand directions then we like okay
now we need to have some more time right
and tom says but again I think
that happens I think when that happens we bought sense it
and feel it and then we started talking and then we come up with a plan
so public element ca1 they both
realized that when the number our responsibilities mount up when the kids
are
a making demands on them when the job is makin
demands on them that they need to increase
the time together not decrease it so in the face of job stress
another time Center demands they make
us those couples who are highly connected make an even greater effort
to spend time together because the realize how critical it is
the second point here is that they both do it together the boats n said
and they both talk about it and they both make a plan now one person thing
will have to make a plan
after figure out how to get some time with her all with him between the
schedule
both of them work together to do it that's a critical
a piece of it despite the job that meant so you look very serious with me
upset with me don't be upset
and is the final one on that
love this one
on Susan says this is a high relational couple
I have to admit that I'm completely fascinated by all relationship
I cannot even believe if I had known all comfortable one person could be to live
with
it might not have had such a I might not have had such a negative you are living
with someone
he's just good company it's the best decision I've ever made
I just just really
it's just really nice to be absolutely
loved this
this guy figure it out
how to make that time together
huh what she needed to make that time together
enjoyable exciting fun satisfactory
and she says if I'm you too
because the or earlier in the interview she was talking about the fact that you
want to get married
because she had such a negative view
arm given her history but she says this guy
has changed her opinion
completely and she says it is just fantasy said it several times
it is just great to feel that love company
in as because they were spending
that time together and he figured alt
what are the ingredients up that time together
that were get that message across to her
right