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YOU KNOW, IF I WERE THE MAYOR--
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU TAKE THE PLANE IN,
YOU KNOW, THE LITTLE-- THE AIRPLANE MAGAZINE?
YOU'D BE ON THE COVER EVERY SINGLE TIME.
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD COME TO MONTREAL.
GIVE HIM THE MONEY.
WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? IT'S AN OBSCENITY
AND A CRIME AGAINST GOD AND ALL THAT'S DECENT,
BUT IT'S DELICIOUS.
THIS IS A GREAT COUNTRY BECAUSE OF THIS CITY.
WITHOUT MONTREAL, CANADA WOULD BE HOPELESS.
IT'S WHERE THE COOL KIDS HANG.
I THINK IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION.
IF WE GET ARRESTED, IT'S GOOD.
WE ALL OF US HAVE OUR WATERLOO.
MINE WILL BE IN ABOUT 15 (bleep) MINUTES.
(police siren wailing)
♪ 24 HOURS TO GET BACK TO YOU ♪
Closed Captions provided by Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
24 HOURS IN MONTREAL-- IT DEPENDS WHAT TIME,
BUT I WOULD SUSPECT FIRST THING IN THE MORNING
I WOULD GO OUT FOR BREAKFAST. LUNCH. OH, LUNCH.
DINNER IN MONTREAL. OH, MAN.
USUALLY WHAT I DO IS I STICK MY FINGER DOWN MY THROAT,
AND I PURGE SO I CAN GO EAT AGAIN,
BUT THAT'S ME, YOU KNOW?
NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME, UH-- THE SAME HABITS.
(Anthony) I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT MONTREAL IS LIKE
FOR NORMAL PEOPLE.
WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS THAT FOR CHEFS,
IT'S NOTORIOUSLY A VERY DANGEROUS PLACE,
LARGELY BECAUSE OF THESE GUYS.
NORMAND AND-- AND--AND MARTIN
AND THE JOE BEEF DUDES-- THIS IS A GREAT CHEF CULTURE.
BUT THAT COMES LATER.
YOU SHOULD KNOW MONTREAL IS CLOSE,
ABOUT AN HOUR AND CHANGE FROM NEW YORK CITY.
IF YOU CARE, ITS EXACT LOCATION
IS ON AN ISLAND AT THE CONFLUENCE
OF THE ST. LAWRENCE AND OTTAWA RIVERS.
THAT'S NOT SO IMPORTANT TO KNOW.
MONTREAL IS LOCATED IN SOUTHWEST QUEBEC, HOWEVER.
THAT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW.
IF YOU'RE FLYING, CHANCES ARE YOU'LL ARRIVE
AT THE TRUDEAU INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT,
ABOUT 20 MILES FROM THE CITY CENTER.
COME ON, LET'S GET IN THE CAB, GUYS. LET'S GO.
SAFELY ON THE GROUND,
MINUS A PRETZEL-DOG-SPEWED SHIRT,
I'VE GOT JUST OVER 24 HOURS HERE.
SUCH ARE THE TRAGIC CIRCUMSTANCES OF MY LIFE
THAT I FOUND MYSELF STANDING AROUND IN LaGUARDIA
THIS MORNING
SUDDENLY WITH LIMITED MEAL OPTIONS,
AND I BOUGHT THE PRETZEL DOG.
I TAKE A BITE, AND THE FREAKIN' DOG
SQUIRTS OUT OF THE PRETZEL TUBE, AND IT LANDS RIGHT ON MY SHIRT.
BUT IT'S ALL GOOD NOW.
FROM THE AIRPORT, YOU CAN TAKE A CAB TO TOWN
FOR A FLAT FEE OF ABOUT 38 BUCKS
OR A LIMO FOR ABOUT TWICE THAT AMOUNT.
IF YOU'RE ON A BUDGET,
ABOUT 8 BUCKS WILL GET YOU INTO TOWN
ON THE SHUTTLE TO THE MAIN BUS TERMINAL,
WHERE YOU CAN CONNECT WITH THE METRO.
BUT WITH LUGGAGE, THAT'LL BE ABOUT AS MUCH FUN
AS A BACK RUB FROM A RABID BONOBO,
(car horn honks)
IF YOU'RE DRIVING, COOL.
JUST KNOW THAT HERE FRENCH WOULD COME IN HANDY.
EVEN THOUGH MONTREAL IS BILINGUAL,
THE TRAFFIC SIGNS ARE IN FRENCH.
IT'S THE 101 BILL TO PROTECT THE LANGUAGE.
THE STREET SIGNS ARE ONLY IN FRENCH.
(man) HERE'S THE WAY IT WORKS.
IT'S SO STRANGE.
BUT THE NORTH IS NOT NORTH LIKE THE NORTH POLE,
BECAUSE WE USE THE RIVER-- YOU KNOW, GO FIGURE,
WE DON'T USE THE STARS LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD.
WE USE THE RIVER AS SORT OF OUR--OUR REFERENCE POINT.
SO TO US, THE NORTH IS, LIKE, SORT OF THIS WAY.
IT'S ALMOST WEST, WHICH MAKES SOUTH KIND OF EAST.
ANYWAY, THE POINT IS BRING THE iPhone,
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE APP. YOU'LL BE FINE.
AND IT'S WORTH KNOWING, AS WELL, THAT THE SPEED LIMITS
ARE IN KILOMETERS PER HOUR, NOT MILES.
(police siren wailing)
OKAY?
♪♪
WHAT SHOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT MONTREAL?
WELL, THAT IT'S NOT LITTLE PARIS
NORTH OF THE BORDER.
IT'S NOT FRANCE. NOBODY WANTS THIS TO BE FRANCE.
BUT IT'S ALSO NOT NORTH AMERICA. IT'S KIND OF IN BETWEEN.
YOU DON'T REALLY HAVE TO SPEAK FRENCH TO COME HERE.
MONTREAL IS A SUPER BILINGUAL CITY.
FRENCH IS ACCEPTED AS MUCH AS ENGLISH IS ACCEPTED.
THEY'RE BOTH OFFICIAL LANGUAGES, TO A POINT
WHERE IT'S A LITTLE BIT SCHIZOPHRENIC.
AND YOU DON'T COME HERE TO EAT FRENCH FOOD,
THOUGH THERE'S PLENTY OF IT, SHOULD YOU WANT.
FOOD IS, HOWEVER,
A MAJOR, MAJOR REASON TO COME HERE.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF HOTELS FOR ALL BUDGETS IN MONTREAL,
BUT AS I MENTIONED, I'M MEETING SOME VERY DANGEROUS FRIENDS
AND HAVE AN EARLY DEPARTURE.
I MIGHT NOT NEED A HOTEL THIS TIME AROUND.
SO IT'S REALLY GOOD TO BE BACK IN MONTREAL.
GEE, I WONDER WHAT IT SAYS IN THE TRAVEL GUIDE?
"MONTREAL WAS NAMED THE BANK ROBBERY CAPITAL
OF NORTH AMERICA IN 1988."
THE IRISH MOB HAS A WING HERE? THAT'S ENCOURAGING.
"SIN CITY. ABUNDANCE OF STRIP CLUBS.
"DON'T BE FOOLED INTO GOING TO NON-CONTACT CLUBS.
FULL-CONTACT CLUBS ARE THE SAME PRICE."
THIS IS UTTERLY USELESS, AS ALWAYS.
BREAKFAST. THAT'S USEFUL, RIGHT?
OVER IN THE PLATEAU NEIGHBORHOOD,
THERE'S BEAUTYS LUNCHEONETTE.
IT'S WHERE THEY PRETTY MUCH INVENTED BREAKFAST AROUND HERE.
IT'S NEVER CHANGED. IT'S STAYED THE SAME AS IT WAS
BACK IN THE '40s.
HYMIE SCKOLNICK RUNS THIS AND HAS SINCE HE WAS A CHILD.
AND NOW HE'S ABOUT 90.
WELCOME. NICE TO HAVE YOU.
1942.
THREE GENERATIONS OF SCKOLNICKS RUN THIS PLACE.
THEY'VE PRETTY MUCH GOT IT FIGURED OUT.
WE'RE KNOWN FOR THE SPECIAL,
WHICH IS THE BAGEL WITH THE SMOKED SALMON,
MM-HMM.
AND THEN WE'RE ALSO WELL KNOWN FOR OUR MISH-MASH OMELET...
WHICH HAS HOT DOGS, SALAMI, FRIED ONIONS, AND GREEN PEPPERS.
I'M GONNA GO FOR THE BAGEL.
SO THE GREAT DEBATE-- WHO HAS THE BETTER BAGEL,
NEW YORK OR MONTREAL?
IT'S A COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS APPLES-AND-ORANGES DISCUSSION,
BECAUSE THEY'RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CREATURES.
YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE A VERY OLD JEWISH COMMUNITY HERE
FOR A LONG TIME.
THEY'VE BEEN MAKING BAGELS A LONG TIME,
JUST THEY MAKE 'EM DIFFERENT.
THEY'RE SORTA CRISPIER, SWEETER.
I'M A NEW YORKER, SO YOU KNOW WHERE MY ALLEGIANCE LIES.
BUT I THINK IT'S UNFAIR TO BOTH QUITE MAGNIFICENT PRODUCTS
TO--TO--TO TRY AND COMPARE THEM.
BUT IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO SETTLE
THE POINTLESSLY CONTENTIOUS ARGUMENT
ABOUT WHO HAS THE BETTER BAGEL,
YOU MIGHT BEGIN YOUR INVESTIGATIONS HERE
AT ST.-VIATEUR,
ONE OF THE BEST EXAMPLES OF THE LOCAL STYLE--
HAND-ROLLED, WOOD-FIRE BAKED,
AND USING THE SAME EASTERN EUROPEAN RECIPE
THEY BROUGHT OVER HALF A CENTURY AGO.
AND THEY ARE INDEED VERY, VERY GOOD.
GRAB A BAGEL AND CHECK OUT THE SURROUNDINGS.
MILE END IS AN ARTSY NEIGHBORHOOD.
YOU GOT YOUR BOUTIQUES, YOUR GALLERIES,
OR YOUR BOHEMIAN CAFéS,
LIKE THIS ONE.
IF YOU ARE A CITIZEN
OF THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF LAPTOP-ISTAN
AND LIKE SITTING FOR HOURS, SIPPING THE LATTE,
LISTENING TO TRACY CHAPMAN, AND TWIRLING YOUR SOUL PATCH
WHILE PERUSING YOUR TWITTER FEED,
MAYBE CLUB SOCIAL WORKS FOR YOU.
PERSONALLY, I'D RATHER DUNK MY HEAD IN BOILING DUCK FAT.
I HAVEN'T HAD A MORNING CRAP YET.
I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED.
I'M CONTEMPLATING THE MYSTERIES OF THE BAGEL.
HEY, LIKE BOOKS? I KNOW I DO.
IN FACT, I RECENTLY BECAME A PUBLISHER OF FINE BOOKS,
AND HOPEFULLY SOME OF THEM WILL BE SOLD
AT FINE INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORES LIKE THIS ONE--
APPETITE FOR BOOKS.
AS PART OF A NEW CAMPAIGN OF PANDERING TO THE INDIES,
I MEET UP WITH JONATHAN CHEUNG,
HIMSELF A TRAINED CHEF WHO GREW UP
IN HIS FAMILY'S RESTAURANT BUSINESS.
HE'S TAKING ME OVER TO THE MARKET,
A PARTICULARLY GOOD ONE I HAPPEN TO KNOW
FROM PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE.
DESTINATION-- MONTREAL, LITTLE ITALY.
MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION FROM HIS STORE IN WESTMOUNT--
FOR JONATHAN ANYWAY, BICYCLE.
MONTREAL IS CONSIDERED NORTH AMERICA'S HUB
FOR BICYCLE RIDING.
YOU CAN'T THROW A STONE WITHOUT HITTING SOMEBODY ON A BIXI BIKE.
THE BIXI BIKE IS A UBIQUITOUS RENTAL BIKE.
YOU CAN FIND ROWS OF THEM
AT ANY OF 400 DOCKING STATIONS AROUND TOWN.
PAY A SMALL FEE, AND GO ANYWHERE YOU LIKE.
JUST DROP THE BIKE OFF AT ANY OTHER STATION.
MONTREAL'S FINEST.
IT'S LIKE I'M RIDING MY BIKE
TO GO BUY SOME CRACK OR SOMETHING.
ONE ACTIVITY IN MONTREAL--
GRAB A BIXI BIKE ALL OVER THE CITY.
WE'RE FULL OF BIKE PATHS.
WE'RE FULL OF INTERESTING CHARACTERS.
ONLY THING TO DO--BIXI AROUND, CHECK OUT, PEOPLE WATCH.
WHAT IS THIS, LIKE, PARKING FOR BIKES?
THAT'S, LIKE, EXTREMELY ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY.
AH.
(laughs)
VOILà.
ALL RIGHT.
MARKET IS THAT WAY.
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IS KNOWN FOR TWO THINGS--
ITALIAN IMMIGRANTS AND THIS.
THIS IS LE MARCHE JEAN-TALON,
ONE OF TWO MAIN FARMERS' MARKETS.
PEOPLE TEND TO GET EXUBERANT ABOUT GROWING THINGS
AROUND HERE IN SUMMER.
THE WINTER IS BRUTAL. IT KILLS US.
YOU KNOW, MINUS-40 DEGREES CELSIUS,
WHICH I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE CONVERSION TO FAHRENHEIT IS,
BUT IT'S COLD--ICICLES THAT FORM ON YOUR EYES.
THE COLD DOES KEEP THE RIFFRAFF INDOORS.
AS WELL AS, LIKE, THE SNAKES.
WE HATE SNAKES.
THERE'S NO EBOLA VIRUS, BECAUSE IT'S COLD.
CHOLERA IS VERY, VERY, VERY--
VERY LITTLE NINJAS.
SWEAT YOUR BALLS OFF IN THE SUMMER
AND FREEZE YOUR *** OFF IN THE WINTER.
IT'S SUCH A SHORT GROWING SEASON.
RIGHT WHEN THE GROUND THAWS,
THINGS START POPPING UP RIGHT AWAY
'CAUSE THEY KNOW IT'S NOT--
PEAK SEASON,
WHEN EVERYTHING IS BURSTING OUT OF THE GROUND
AND FLOWERING AND (bleep),
THE 20 OR SO YEAR-ROUND SHOPS SWELL
TO OVER 300 SEASONAL VENDORS.
ONE DAY THEY'LL HAVE BEAUTIFUL RED PEPPERS
AND FRESH ENGLISH PEAS.
BY THE END OF THE WEEK THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE HERE ANYMORE,
BECAUSE THE SEASON'S OVER,
AND THEY'RE GONNA BE MORE INTO TOMATOES, ONIONS,
AND BEAUTIFUL RADISHES.
YOU CAN'T WALK AWAY WITH NOTHING.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT CHEESE
(laughs)
OH, YEAH, CURED MEATS.
SADLY, WE WON'T BE SHOWING YOU ANY OF THEM.
HERE'S SOMETHING.
IN MONTREAL, ENLIGHTENMENT ABOUT CHEESES STILL REIGNS.
THAT MEANS YOU CAN STILL GET
UNPASTEURIZED RAW-MILK CHEESE,
BANNED BY IGNORAMUSES IN THE STATES SINCE 1949.
SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YEAH, YOU HAVE TO AGE IT 60 DAYS
THAT THEY SAY THAT, UH, THEN, LIKE, EVERYTHING DIES.
THIS IS VERY GOOD NEWS
FOR ARTISANAL CHEESE MAKERS LIKE THIS GUY.
(Anthony) ONE CHEESE?
ONE CHEESE. THIS IS A RAW GOAT'S MILK CHEESE, ACTUALLY.
MMM, THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.
LIKE, AFTER YOU EAT THIS,
YOU GET THIS KIND OF, UM,
AFTERTASTE THAT SITS WITH YOU,
AND IT COATS YOUR MOUTH.
AND IT'S, UH, A LOT MORE FULL, RICHER.
ABSOLUTELY.
IT'S THE GREATEST SINGLE CRIME AGAINST FOOD
IS THAT THEY MAKE IT SO (bleep) DIFFICULT
MAKE FOOD TASTE GOOD. YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
BEAUTIFUL AND DELICIOUS.
IF YOU WANT A LARGER SELECTION FROM ALL OVER THE PLACE,
WHEREVER THEY GOT IT GOOD,
THAN LA FROMAGERIE ATWATER WOULD BE A GOOD OPTION.
PROPRIETOR GILLES JOURDENAIS
HAS DONE ALL THE LEGWORK FOR YOU.
CHEESE MAKERS IN QUEBEC-- WE HAVE ABOUT 85.
I SELL 850 CHEESES RIGHT NOW IF YOU COME TO THE SHOP.
HE'S LIKE A CHEESE SOMMELIER.
THE ONE STRENGTH I HAVE IS I HAVE A FANTASTIC MEMORY.
I REMEMBER WHAT I SOLD TO MY CUSTOMER
TWO YEARS AGO WHEN HE MARRIED HIS DAUGHTER.
IT'S A LIVING, BREATHING PRODUCT,
SO THAT'S WHAT'S FUN ABOUT IT.
I AM TOTALLY BOOTLEGGING IN SOME CHEESE.
OR MAYBE I CAN GET ONE OF THE CAMERA PEOPLE TO BODY-PACK.
(clock ticking)
(indistinct conversation)
SO THE MYTH ABOUT MONTREAL
IS THAT THERE'S A WHOLE UNDERGROUND CITY.
AND A LOT OF THE TOURISTS THAT COME HERE
THINK IT'S SOMETHING REALLY EXCITING,
AND THAT THEY'RE GONNA GO IN THESE TUNNELS,
AND THAT IT'S SUPER SCI-FI.
IT'S LITERALLY A COLLECTION
OF CHEAP CLOTHING STORES, DRUGSTORES,
METRO STATIONS.
SO YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANYBODY HANGING OUT
IN THE UNDERGROUND CITY-- "HEY, LET'S GO HAVE A DRINK."
IT'S A (bleep) SHOPPING MALL.
♪♪
THE MONTREAL METRO SYSTEM IS MODELED, THEY SAY,
ON THE PARIS METRO, AND IT AIN'T BAD.
IT RUNS ABOUT $3 FOR A TRIP
OR 8 BUCKS FOR A 24-HOUR PASS.
I'M HEADED OVER TO OLD MONTREAL.
17th CENTURY ARCHITECTURE? NICE.
QUITE PRETTY, ACTUALLY.
YOU GET THE POINT. IT'S OLD. IT'S PRETTY.
(man) STOP!
HEY. HEY, THEY HAVE (bleep)-HEADS IN MONTREAL, TOO.
GOOD TO KNOW WE DON'T HAVE THE EXCLUSIVE.
OLD MONTREAL IS WHERE IT ALL BEGAN, FROM THE OLD PORT
TO THE COBBLESTONE SHOPPING STREETS.
NOWADAYS IT'S A MAGNET FOR TOURISTS
AND ALL THAT COMES WITH THAT.
MIMES, HUMAN STATUES,
PEOPLE DRESSED UP LIKE COLONIALS? NOT SO NICE.
OH, NO, REALLY?
I HATE THIS (bleep), ACTUALLY.
LIKE WE'RE GOING TO COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG HERE.
WHAT THE (bleep)? (groans)
JESUS (bleep). THIS IS LIKE RENAISSANCE FAIR.
I'M MEETING THIS GUY, ADAM GOLLNER,
A RESPECTED FOOD WRITER,
AND I'M HAVING SERIOUS DOUBTS ABOUT HIS PLANS,
PURPORTEDLY TO COVER MONTREAL'S CULINARY HISTORY
BONJOUR.
(Anthony) YEAH.
GET SHUT DOWN BY YE OLDE CONSTABLE.
GONNA END UP IN YE OLDE STOCKS.
I MEAN, DO THEY GET PUNISHED OR DOCKED FOR WAGES
IF THEY BREAK CHARACTER?
WELL, IF THEIR--YOU KNOW, IF THEIR WHITE PANTYHOSE
DRIPS DOWN A LITTLE BIT, THEN THEY MIGHT GET A SLIGHT--
RIGHT, OR IF THEY'RE CAUGHT SMOKING A JOINT
OR LIKE, LISTENING TO BIG BOI, IT'S, UH--
YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
THEIR ONLY ALLOWED TO LISTEN TO FIDDLE MUSIC.
YEAH, THE LUTE IS VERY BIG HERE.
THIS RESTAURANT, CLUB CHASSE ET PECHE,
HAPPENS TO SHARE A TERRACE WITH THE MUSEUM NEXT DOOR,
BUT IS UNAFFILIATED.
THE RESTAURANT'S NAME MEANS
"HUNTING AND FISHING CLUB" IN FRENCH.
I HATE COLONIAL (bleep).
I SAW THOSE PEOPLE IN THE STOCKINGS,
AND I PRETTY MUCH WANTED TO COLDCOCK 'EM.
YEAH, BUT, DUDE, THAT'S NOT WHERE WE'RE AT RIGHT NOW.
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WE'RE HERE.
HAPPILY, THE WAIT STAFF AREN'T IN PERIOD GARB,
AND THERE'S NOT A BEAVER STEAK IN SIGHT.
TUNA TARTARE WITH THE, UH, GUACAMOLE
AND TARO CHIPS.
SOME LOBSTER FROM... (speaking indistinctly)
YOU KNOW, THE CHIPOTLE MAYONNAISE, BASIL,
MM-HMM.
THE SCALLOP CEVICHE WITH GRAPEFRUIT FOAM
THANK YOU.
MERCI.
APPARENTLY THE INCONGRUITY OF GRAPEFRUIT FOAM
ISN'T ENOUGH TO STOP ADAM FROM TALKING
ABOUT YE OLDE GOOD DAYS.
RIGHT.
IT STARTED AS A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE CAME
TO CATCH BEAVERS.
AS TULIPS WERE TO HOLLAND, UH,
AS OIL IS TO SAUDI ARABIA,
OH, MY GOD, YEAH.
OH.
SOME OCTOPUS WITH A LITTLE BIT OF SMOKED PAPRIKA
WITH A FOAM OF SMOKED POTATOES
ON A SALAD, YOU KNOW, OF CORN, BEANS, AND CHERRY TOMATOES.
BON APPé***.
THE GUYS THAT CAME HERE FROM FRANCE
AND LIVED OFF THE LAND--
THEY WERE KIND OF LEARNING TO MIX THEIR, LIKE, FRENCH STYLES
WITH THE INGREDIENTS FROM HERE.
WE'RE NOT TALKING, UH, TRAPPERS HERE.
NO, WE'RE TALKING THE, LIKE, WELL-FED OUTDOORSMEN.
OH, THAT'S PRETTY-- THAT'S THE DUCK MAGRET?
(man) DUCK MAGRET ON BUTTERNUT SQUASH,
GRILLED ONION, JALAPEÑO, AND RED PEPPERS.
BON APPé***.
THANK YOU. MMM. I'M HAPPY.
PERSONALLY, THOUGH MY OCTOPUS AND DUCK WERE DELICIOUS,
THIS IS MORE MY SPEED-- A NICE GRILLED CHEESE WITH MEAT
AT L'EMPORTE PIECE.
OR MAYBE OVER TO MARVEN'S FOR SOME OLD-WORLD GREEK FOOD
IN THE PARK EXTENSION AREA.
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD USED TO BE ALL GREEK,
BUT THERE'S STILL A GOOD PORTION OF GREEKS HERE.
IT'S THE SAME FAMILY THAT HAVE HAD IT FOR 37 YEARS GOING NOW.
IF I HAD TO ORDER FROM MARVEN'S IF I WAS A FIRST-TIME CUSTOMER,
I WOULD ORDER CALAMARI TO START OFF,
AND OBVIOUSLY I'LL GO WITH THE RIB STEAK.
AND I WON'T NEED TO EAT FOR THE REST OF THE DAY,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
AT THE VERY LEAST,
YOU'LL LEAVE THE MIMES AND PERIOD GARB
OF OLD MONTREAL BEHIND.
THIS PLACE WAS ALWAYS TOURISTY
IN THAT LAME, KIND OF "PEOPLE COVERED IN CHROME PAINT
I HATE THOSE PEOPLE.
ELBOWED A MIME ON THE WAY OVER.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, GET A JOB. GET A JOB.
(clock ticking)
(indistinct conversation)
IN MONTREAL, THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS WORK THIS WAY.
UM, RED MEANS STOP.
YELLOW MEANS HURRY UP.
AND GREEN MEANS SPEED THROUGH LIKE A SON OF A (bleep).
CROSSING THE STREET IS LIKE, UH,
YOU KNOW, IT'S ALMOST LIKE A SPORT.
IT'S GONNA BE ON ESPN SOON.
YOU RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. YOU GET A LITTLE SHOT
OF ADRENALINE FOR FIVE SECONDS A COUPLE TIMES A DAY.
EVERYBODY JAYWALKS HERE. EVERYBODY GETS AWAY WITH IT.
ODDLY ENOUGH, IF A CAR HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY IN MONTREAL,
AND THE PEDESTRIAN IS JAYWALKING,
THE PEDESTRIAN GETS ANGRY AT THE CAR FOR NOT HAVING STOPPED.
EIGHT AND A QUARTER HOURS
INTO MY THRILLING LAYOVER IN MONTREAL--
SO MUCH FUN, SO LITTLE TIME.
LOOK AT THAT CLOCK TICKING.
LACHINE CANAL--
A 14.5-KILOMETER INDUSTRIAL WATERWAY
TURNED PARK.
(laughs)
HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HI, THE MAN THAT MAKES ME LOOK SMALL EVERY TIME.
TIME TO MEET UP WITH MY SOUL BROTHERS FROM WAY BACK,
THE TRULY TERRIFYINGLY DANGEROUS
FRED MORIN AND DAVE McMILLAN,
KNOWN AND REMEMBERED OFTEN WITH DAMAGED BRAINS
BY CHEFS EVERYWHERE.
THESE GUYS ARE LEGENDARY
FOR PUTTING THE HURT ON VISITING CHEFS.
AND THEIR RESTAURANT JOE BEEF
IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO DO THAT.
GIVE HIM THE MONEY.
STRANGELY, HOWEVER,
THE TWO INSIST ON MEETING ME DOWN ALONG THE CANAL.
BOATING. W-WHY?
FRED'S CHILDHOOD FRIEND HAS THIS, UH, DRAGON BOAT,
AND THEY DO THE DRAGON BOATS TO RAISE MONEY
FOR DIFFERENT CHARITIES AND THIS AND THAT.
A LOT OF THIS BIKING AND ROWING
THEY HAVE TO GET IT ALL IN
TO THE EIGHT WEEKS WHERE THERE'S NO SNOW.
WHA... I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.
UH, WE JUST CAME BACK FROM THE CANADIAN CHAMPIONSHIPS,
SO THAT WAS ALL OVER CANADA.
UM, IN ABOUT THREE WEEKS, SOME OF US ARE GOING
I HOPE TO HELL I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORK.
I MEAN, THESE WOMEN ARE PROFESSIONALS, RIGHT?
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN CANOEING, RIGHT?
(laughter)
RIGHT.
OH.
SO FRONT TO THE BACK, OUT.
OKAY, SO, CHEFS, JUST COPY THE GIRLS.
PADDLES UP.
TAKE IT AWAY.
♪♪
(Dave) OH, I GOT WATER IN MY MOUTH.
HOLY (bleep), THIS SUCKS.
ATTENTION SPAN ISSUES.
(laughing)
THE CHICK BEHIND ME IS GONNA KILL ME
AND TAKE MY HEAD OFF WITH A PADDLE.
IF ROWING A BOAT WITH MUSCLE-Y WOMEN,
ANY OF WHOM COULD EASILY SNAP YOUR NECK,
DOES NOT APPEAL,
THEN PERHAPS THE HIGHEST POINT IN MONTREAL,
MOUNT ROYAL, WOULD BE MORE FUN.
IT'S A PARK DESIGNED BY FREDERICK OLMSTEAD,
FAMOUS FOR SUCH OTHER PARKS AS CENTRAL PARK.
(Jonathan) EVERY SUNDAY THEY'LL HAVE THE TAM TAMS
WHERE EVERYONE GETS TOGETHER
AND JUST BANGS ON SOME DRUMS.
ARTISTIC, MUSICAL,
YOU KNOW, NO SHOWERS AND DREADLOCKS
AND LOOSE CLOTHING. (laughing)
SMOKE LOTS OF POT.
OF COURSE, MONTREAL IS LARGE,
ENABLING A VARIETY OF OUTDOOR PURSUITS
I FIND EQUALLY UNATTRACTIVE.
BEHIND US IS ACTUALLY LES GUERRIERS DE LA MONTAGNE.
THE WARRIORS OF THE MOUNTAIN COME HERE
TO ACTUALLY, UH, FIGHT.
SO WHAT THEY DO IS THEY-- THEY BRING THEIR OWN WEAPONS.
AND WE FIGHT, AND WE HAVE FUN.
THESE ARE ACTUALLY WEAPONS THAT WE MAKE--WE MAKE OURSELVES
AND WE ACTUALLY CERTIFY BEFORE THEY COME IN THE FIELD.
IF YOU COME TO THE MOUNTAIN ON A SUNDAY,
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME,
IF YOU'RE 5 YEARS OLD OR 55 YEARS OLD,
UH, WE'LL ACCEPT YOU IN THE MANNER THAT YOU CAN FIGHT
TO YOUR PHYSICAL ABILITY.
DON'T WANT TO BATTLE TO BE LORD OF THE GEEKS?
PERHAPS THE ST. LAWRENCE RIVER IS MORE YOUR SPEED.
♪♪
JUST ACROSS FROM OLD MONTREAL
IS A PERMANENT WAVIER
CAUSED BY SWIFTLY MOVING WATER OVER THE RIVER BOTTOM I'M TOLD,
SO SURF'S UP ALWAYS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT WAS AWESOME.
(Anthony) WHAT'S AT THE, UH, END OF THE RAINBOW?
(Dave) BRASSERIE LE CAPRI. OLD WORKING-CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD.
THIS USED TO BE HEAVY INDUSTRY, STEEL.
STILL IS WORKING-CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD--POINT ST. CHARLES.
IT'S GENTRIFYING SLOWLY. THE CANAL HAS CHANGED A LOT.
THE OLD WAREHOUSES HAVE TURNED INTO CONDOMINIUMS.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S STILL A CHARMING PART
OF MONTREAL, UNDISCOVERED.
BRASSERIE CAPRI
IN MONTREAL'S SUD-OUEST NEIGHBORHOOD--
A PUB, A CANADIAN PUB,
A QUEBECOIS PUB MORE ACCURATELY,
AND EXACTLY-- EXACTLY WHAT I LIKE.
BIG HUNKS OF FREAKIN' PORK KNUCKLE?
YES, NOW I AM HAPPY.
GET RID OF THAT (bleep) CLOCK.
YOU'RE RUINING MY BUZZ, MAN.
(vocalizing indistinctly)
THAT'S AWESOME. THE OLD FRENCH GUYS.
WE RUN INTO LESS AND LESS OF 'EM, I'M TELLING YOU.
THESE, UH--THESE AUTHENTIC PUBS ARE DISAPPEARING.
THE OLD CULTURE, YOU KNOW-- THIS, LIKE,
KIND OF OLD SUGAR SHACK, DRINKING LARGE BEER,
YOU KNOW, AND EATING TRADITIONAL FOOD IN SUMMER--
YEAH, THESE PLACES GET BOUGHT UP AND TURNED
INTO GREEN APPLE MARTINI, LYCHEE MARTINI BARS.
THIS YOU DON'T SEE MUCH OF ELSEWHERE.
THIS IS A DYING ART--
MARINATED AND BOILED PORK KNUCKLE
SERVED WITH BOILED POTATOES.
FRED HAS ANOTHER LOCAL CLASSIC--PEA SOUP.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLED, NON? "THE PEA SOUPS."
ONTARIANS.
ANGLOPHONE ONTARIANS CALL FRENCH-CANADIANS "PEA SOUPS."
THE OTHER ONE CALLS US "THE FROGS."
YEAH.
WHAT SOCIETY WOULD NOT BENEFIT FROM HAVING ONE OF THESE PLACES?
YOU COULD ALSO VISIT SUCH OTHER FINE ESTABLISHMENTS
LIKE, SAY, DOMINION SQUARE TAVERN
OR ORANGE JULEP.
DOMINION SQUARE IS DOWNTOWN.
THE TAVERN HAS BEEN HERE SINCE 1927,
ONE OF THE FIRST TAVERNS IN MONTREAL.
PUT ALL THE LOVE AND A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY IN HERE
TO BRING IT BACK TO WHAT WE THINK WAS A TAVERN
IN THE '20s IN MONTREAL.
YOU COME IN AFTER WORK. YOU CAN HAVE SOME MOULES FRITES,
WHICH ARE DELICIOUS MUSSELS WITH FRIES.
AND BACON.
ALMOST EVERY WHISKEY WE CAN GET OUR HANDS ON HERE,
AND THAT'S MY DRINK OF CHOICE,
THOUGH THEIR COCKTAILS
ARE SOME OF THE BEST IN TOWN.
(engine revving)
GREASY HANDS, GREASIER FOOD-- DELICIOUS.
JOIN YOUR FELLOW GEARHEADS OVER AT ORANGE JULEP
FOR A FROTHY BEVERAGE.
THE OLDEST, UH, DRIVE-IN IN QUEBEC.
IT WAS BORN IN 1932.
THERE'S ALMOST AN AUTOMOTIVE NIGHT HAPPENING HERE
EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK--
THE MUSCLE CARS AND THE HOT RODS
AND THE CLASSIC CARS.
I GUESS MORE SO THAN THE HAMBURGER
AND THE HOT DOGS AND THE FRENCH FRIES,
WHAT REALLY BRINGS-- DRAWS PEOPLE TO THE JULEP
IS THE ORANGE JULEP,
WHICH IS PROBABLY A SECRET FORMULA
HANDED DOWN THROUGH, UH, THE GENERATIONS
AND TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE IS A MIXTURE
OF MILK AND ORANGE JUICE.
BUT THERE PROBABLY IS SOMETHING ELSE IN THERE,
BECAUSE I'VE TRIED MAKING AN ORANGE JULEP AT HOME,
AND IT JUST HASN'T BEEN THE SAME.
BUT LET'S NOT GO NUTS. WE STILL GOTTA EAT, UH...
YEAH, RIGHT. WE'RE EATING AT YOUR PLACE, RIGHT?
WE'VE BEEN FORAGING A LOT.
URBAN FORAGING.
(clock ticking)
(indistinct conversation)
IF YOU WANT TO BE A LOCAL WHEN YOU'RE VISITING MONTREAL,
MAKE SURE YOU GREAT PEOPLE WITH TWO KISSES ON THE CHEEK.
(smacking lips) LIKE THAT AND IT'S DONE.
YOU'RE GOOD TO GO AFTER THAT.
WOMAN TO WOMAN, MAN TO MAN, MAN TO WOMAN--
IT'S NOT--IT'S NOT A *** THING.
AND I LOVE KISSING AMERICANS,
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT READY AT ALL FOR IT, EH?
YOU KNOW, "HEY!" AND YOU JUST GO FOR IT.
YOU TAKE THEM BY THE HAND, AND YOU PULL THEM
INTO YOUR, LIKE, TO YOUR ZONE.
LIKE, YOU CAN FEEL THEM CRISPING UP.
THE FRENCH WAY IS TO GO FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.
AND SO SOMETIMES PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT,
SO WE END UP GOING MOUTH TO MOUTH,
WHICH IS REALLY AWKWARD.
ABOUT 14 HOURS INTO MY LAYOVER IN MONTREAL,
AND IT'S TIME TO STOP (bleep) AROUND.
MONTREAL IS A CHEF TOWN.
IT'S A "STAY UP LATE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME" TOWN.
FOOD AND DRINK-- THAT'S SOMETHING THEY DO WELL
AND OFTEN TO EXCESS HERE,
YET ALWAYS WITH PANACHE.
MONTREAL'S LITTLE BURGUNDY NEIGHBORHOOD,
ONCE A DIVE-Y, NEGLECTED PART OF TOWN,
BUT THEN CAME THIS--
THE MAGNIFICENT JOE BEEF,
FLAGSHIP RESTAURANT OF THESE TWO CHARACTERS,
FRED AND DAVE.
MENTION THEIR NAMES TO ANY CHEF
WHO THEY HAVE EVER HOSTED,
AND THERE WILL BE AN EMBARRASSING ANECDOTE--
UNCONSCIOUSNESS, PUBLIC NUDITY,
SCANDAL, DELICIOUSNESS.
JOE BEEF, THE PLACE'S NAMESAKE,
WAS A QUARTERMASTER FOR THE BRITISH
DURING THE CRIMEAN WAR.
HIS SOME SAY SUPERNATURAL ABILITY
TO SCROUNGE MEAT FOR HIS MEN EVEN WHEN THE CHIPS WERE DOWN
MADE HIM A LEGEND.
HIS LEGENDARILY ***, SHALL WE SAY,
TAVERN IN MONTREAL MADE HIM A LARGER-THAN-LIFE FIGURE
IN THE HISTORY OF MONTREAL'S DRINKING CLASS.
IT WAS ONLY RIGHT THEN THAT THESE TWO
CONTINUED THE PROUD TRADITION
WHILE BOLDLY FORGING SOME OF THEIR OWN.
I SAW A TWEET ONE DAY, AND IT SAYS,
"FRED AND DAVE ARE REVOLUTIONIZING
RIGHT.
BUT IT'S (bleep).
THIS IS BECAUSE I LIKE IT. THERE'S NO OTHER REASON.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID, THE ONLY TIME I SKIPPED SCHOOL
WAS TO (bleep) GARDEN.
BETWEEN FEEDING SOME OF THE WORLD'S NOTABLE CULINARIANS
LETHAL AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL AND FOOD
AND TORMENTING HIPSTERS,
THE BOYS HAVE APPARENTLY TAKEN AN INTEREST IN GREEN STUFF.
(Dave) THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT DON'T HAVE A RESERVATION
(laughter)
OOH, THIS IS A SIDE OF YOU GUYS
YEAH, WE ALSO DO LYMPH NODE MASSAGE.
LYMPH NODE.
NEXT YEAR
TASTING--
A TASTING OF LYMPH NODE, THEN WE MAKE POTAGE PARMENTIER.
AND I TELL THE FIRST STEP OF THE RECIPE--
FIRST YOU TAKE A LEEK.
(sighs) YOU'RE GOING TO HELL FOR THAT.
THE MENU UP THERE IN CHALK IS WONDERFUL
AND UNAPOLOGETICALLY OVER THE TOP AT TIMES.
AND IT CHANGES DAILY.
THIS IS CLAMS ON A RADIO.
YEAH.
WHY NOT?
YOU REMEMBER, MAYBE, LIKE, FOUR, FIVE YEARS AGO,
IN MONTREAL IT WAS ALL, LIKE, "I'M GONNA FEED YOU
"THE INSIDE OF THE *** FILLED WITH, LIKE,
WHAT I THINK IS, LIKE, (bleep), BUT MADE OUT OF BLOOD"--
RIGHT. PEOPLE WERE GETTING A LITTLE OVEREXUBERANT.
EVERYBODY WAS TRYING TO OUTDO EACH OTHER OFFAL-WISE.
DOUBLE-STUFFED CHEEKS AND BOYAUX
WITH ANDOUILLETTES MADE OUT OF CRAB GUTS.
AND THEN WE BROUGHT IN INGREDIENTS
THAT WERE NOT FOOD-RELATED.
A FAN OF MORSE CODE AS A CHILD AND EVERYTHING,
AND I COLLECT OLD RADIOS.
AND I BROUGHT OLD RADIOS, AND WE SERVE CLAMS ON A RADIO,
OYSTERS ON A RADIO, AND EVERYTHING LIKE THIS.
YOU KNOW, WE ALSO DID OYSTERS ON THE KETCHUP CAN,
OYSTERS ON THE TOMATO CAN.
AND WE DO RAZOR CLAM-- RAZOR CLAMS ON *** NOVELS.
(laughs)
AT THIS POINT, IS IT FOOD, OR IS IT ART?
CHEFS WILL START MENTIONING,
KANDINKSY.
"OR CY TWOMBLY OR BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."
I WAS LIKE, REALLY? ARE YOU (bleep) JOKING?
ART GOES IN YOUR EYE.
FOOD GOES IN YOUR MOUTH.
GOOD, THOUGH--BUT, TONY, HOW GOOD IS THIS CLAM STUFF?
THE MYTHOLOGICAL DOUBLE DOWN.
IT'S LIKE THE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN DOUBLE DOWN.
FOIE?
FICTITIOUS KFC BATTER,
THE BACON WE MAKE HERE, THE SMOKED CHEDDAR WE MAKE HERE,
AND THE MAYONNAISE WE MAKE,
BUT INSTEAD OF USING EGG YOLK, WE USE REDUCED CHICKEN STOCK.
IT'S LIKE A GRAVY MAYONNAISE.
WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? IT'S AN OBSCENITY
AND A CRIME AGAINST GOD AND ALL THAT'S DESCENT,
BUT IT'S DELICIOUS.
PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN--
WRITTEN ABOUT THIS TINY RESTAURANT
ALL OVER NORTH AMERICA BASED ON, UH,
A FANCY WORM THAT WE PUT ON A CLEVER HOOK.
SAD A BIT,
BUT VERY, VERY--
BUT LOTS OF PRESS HAS COME OF, UH, THE CLEVER WORM.
WELL, THERE'S A STYLE NOW, ALSO,
YOU GUYS ARE BECOMING KNOWN FOR--
AS MUCH AN ATTITUDE AS DISHES.
THE ONLY PROBLEM YOU MIGHT HAVE HERE
IS BEING UNABLE TO GET A RESERVATION,
IN WHICH CASE YOU COULD, I SUPPOSE,
WITH TAIL BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, SLINK OFF
TO EITHER L'EXPRESS OR LE ROTISSERIE ROMADOS,
BOTH PERFECTLY EXCELLENT BISTRO BRASSERIE-TYPE JOINTS
WITH FRANCOPHILIC BENTS
AND REALLY BOTH QUITE GOOD.
HEY, LOOK, IT'S ADAM AGAIN AT L'EXPRESS.
TOUGH *** FOR YOU, BIG BOY. I'M AT JOE BEEF.
IT'S SIMPLE. IT'S HUMBLE. IT'S CLASSIC BISTRO FARE--
STEAK AND FRITES, BONE MARROW, TROUT SALAD.
IT'S NOT TOO EXPENSIVE, SO IT'S GOT A PRETTY DEMOCRATIC APPEAL.
LIKE, AND IT'S REALLY FUN TO EAT AT THE BAR HERE.
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE IN THE CENTER OF IT ALL.
ALSO IN THE PLATEAU NEIGHBORHOOD--
THIS POPULAR PLACE, LE ROTISSERIE--
THAT MEANS THEY ROAST STUFF-- ROMADOS.
IT'S PORTUGUESE CHICKEN. IT'S CHEAP.
THIS IS AN AVERAGE PLATE FOR, LIKE, 8 BUCKS.
SPICES--OH, MY GOD, I LOVE THEM.
YOU HAVE THE CHOICE BETWEEN REGULAR SAUCE
OR SPICY SAUCE.
IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, WE'VE GOT OTHER CHICKEN, TOO,
BUT, UH, WE ROLL FROM FAR AWAY
JUST TO GET ROMADOS CHICKEN.
BUT THIS PLACE IS WHERE YOU WANT TO BE--
SUCKING DOWN OYSTERS AND GOOD WINE AT JOE BEEF.
(bleep) BEEF AND CHICKEN AND EVERYTHING, MAN.
DUCK, LAMB-- IT'S A DUCK CHOP, YOU KNOW,
OH.
PROTEIN--MAKE YOU BIG AND STRONG.
EAT A LOT OF PROTEIN. IT SPEEDS UP YOUR METABOLISM.
IT MAKES YOU LOSE WEIGHT, THE MORE PROTEIN YOU EAT.
IT MAKES YOU SMARTER, MORE--MORE AGGRESSIVE.
NOBODY'S VICTIM, NOBODY'S DOORMAT
WHEN YOU'RE EATING PLENTY OF RED MEAT.
WHILE IT'S DIFFICULT TO LEAVE THIS EVEREST OF MEAT,
I SCURRY OFF, AS I PROMISED LATE-NIGHT DRINKS
WITH A FEW MORE FRIENDS.
(clock ticking)
(indistinct conversation)
YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK OUT A TOURIST, I GUESS,
AN AMERICAN, UH, OR ENGLISH TOURIST,
BY THE WAY THEY SAY "MERCI, MERCI, MERCI"
TO, LIKE, EVERYTHING, EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T NEED TO,
WHICH IS COOL. HEY, YOU NEVER CAN GET ENOUGH THANK-YOUS.
AND YOU CAN REALLY PICK OUT THE FRENCH TOURISTS
BY HOW THEY LOOK AT YOU,
AND STRANGELY THEY SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE AS YOU,
BUT THEY'LL STILL PUT ON A LITTLE *** AIR
AND BE LIKE... (speaking French)
AND THEY'LL PRETEND NOT TO UNDERSTAND.
SO THERE'S ALWAYS LANGUAGE ISSUES IN MONTREAL, BUT WE LOVE.
LAYOVER, RIGHT?
SO GOTTA REFER TO THAT (bleep) CLOCK GRAPHIC TICKING AWAY,
LIKE I'M ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
LIKE, ONLY 24 HOURS TO FIND THE NERVE GAS.
ANY WHO,
IF YOU WERE TO ASK VISITING CHEFS AND DIGNITARIES
FROM THE WORLD OF GASTRONOMY
WHO IN MONTREAL IS MORE TERRIFYING,
THE JOE BEEF DUDES OR THIS MAN,
AU PIED DE COCHON'S MARTIN PICARD,
YOU'D GET A PRETTY SPIRITED,
NOT TO SAY ENTERTAINING ARGUMENT.
BUT IF YOU WERE TO ANNOUNCE
THAT YOU'D BE HANGING OUT WITH ALL OF THEM
ALL IN ONE EVENING? NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE YOU.
THAT, BY COMMON CONSENSUS,
WOULD BE SUICIDE.
BRASSERIE T! IS IN THE QUARTER DES SPECTACLES,
AN AREA SURROUNDED BY PERFORMANCE HALLS, THEATERS,
AND A FESTIVAL PLAZA RIGHT IN DOWNTOWN MONTREAL.
NORMALLY, I WOULDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HERE
JUST FOR DRINKS.
THIS IS AFTER ALL THE NEWEST PLACE
FROM CHEF NORMAND LAPRISE,
THE GODFATHER OF MONTREAL FINE DINING
AND MENTOR TO JUST ABOUT EVERY GREAT CHEF IN TOWN.
(speaking indistinctly)
YOUR MENTOR, OF COURSE.
EVERYBODY'S DADDY.
IF NORMAND LAPRISE IS THE GODFATHER,
ONE MIGHT CONTINUE TO TORTURE THE METAPHOR
BY REFERRING TO MARTIN AS THE MICHAEL CORLEONE
OF MONTREAL'S FOOD SCENE.
HOW YOU DOING?
YOU KNOW NFL?
WE--WE DO HAVE THE SAME THING. IT'S CFL.
AND THOSE GUYS ARE OFTEN COMING TO OUR RESTAURANT.
THESE GUYS, BY THE WAY, ARE THE TEAM
OF THE GREY CUP-WINNING MONTREAL ALOUETTES,
WHICH MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
THE ONLY WAY IN MY LIFE THAT I FOUND, YOU KNOW,
TO LOOK SMALL.
HANG OUT WITH BIGGER GUYS. THERE YOU GO.
NO WAY I'M GETTING OUT OF THIS ALIVE.
I MAKE YOU A LITTLE TASTE OF SOMETHING...
(speaking indistinctly)
OH, WHAT IS THIS?
YEP.
MM-HMM.
AND EVERYTHING IS HOMEMADE, HUH?
EVERYTHING.
A COUPLE OF BRILLIANT PREPARATIONS
USING LOCAL MUSHROOMS LIKE THIS ONE WITH GIROLLES.
GREEN PEAS--FRESH GREEN PEAS AND THE GIROLLES.
YEAH, SEA BEANS. YEAH, SEA BEANS, YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND THIS...
(speaking indistinctly)
YEAH.
PORK SALAD? OF COURSE. WHY NOT?
ESCARGOT MADE WITH SEA SNAILS
AND THIS LOBSTER WITH HERB-CHANTERELLE SALAD.
THAT'S A BABY LOBSTER.
IT'S A BABY.
HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT THIS THING.
IT'S A MONSTER.
IF I WERE A REASONABLE MAN,
A SMART MAN,
I WOULD HAVE RETREATED TO MY HOTEL LONG AGO.
BUT I AM A FLAWED VESSEL.
(speaking indistinctly)
SOME GARY BUSEY (bleep), MAN. COME ON, LET'S GO.
I CARRY WITHIN ME, AS SO MANY DO,
THE SEEDS OF MY OWN DESTRUCTION,
A RUMSFELD-IAN DELUSIONAL BELIEF
IN MY OWN INFALLIBILITY.
I THINK IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION, ACTUALLY.
IF WE GET ARRESTED, IT'S GOOD.
COME ON, IT'S GOOD.
THIS KIND OF THING LEADS INEVITABLY TO TRAGEDY
AND DAYTIME TALK SHOWS ON ABC.
IS IT TRUE THE HELLS ANGELS CONTROL
ALL OF ORGANIZED CRIME IN CANADA?
BIG IN JAPAN-- I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE,
BUT I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS HERE.
IT'S LIKE GOING IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE,
AND HE'S GOT STIRRUPS, AND HE'S PUTTING ON THE GLOVE,
AND SOME KIND OF MACHINE STARTS WHIRRING.
YOU HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA WHAT COMES NEXT.
UH, WHEN WE FIRST OPENED, REGULAR OPENING HOURS
WERE 11:00 IN THE MORNING UNTIL AROUND MIDNIGHT.
AND THEN ONE NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT
IN WALKS CHEF NORMAND LAPRISE.
I'M DOING THE CASH. MUSIC'S OFF.
AND THEY LOOK AT ME LIKE, "OH, WE'RE SO SORRY. ARE YOU CLOSED?"
AND I SAID, "NO CHANCE IN HELL ARE WE CLOSED."
BAD MAN?
I MAKE A LITTLE WINK AT CHEF IN THE KITCHEN,
AND I'M LIKE, "YOU BETTER START SENDING FOOD OUT NOW."
YOU KNOW, AND I GO GRAB THE BOTTLE OF WHISKEY,
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK UNTIL 3:00 A.M.,
BIG IN JAPAN HAS QUICKLY ASCENDED
TO MONTREAL'S PREMIER SERVICE PROVIDER
FOR DRUNK-*** CHEFS AFTER WORK.
SAKE? OF COURSE.
CHINESE WHISKEY? (voice echoing) OH, GOD, NO.
(normal voice) THAT IS A MOMENT-OF-TRUTH
SO YOU'RE SAYING
CELINE DION IS A REVERED NATIONAL HERO,
AN EXPRESSION OF QUEBEC ASPIRATIONS AND PRIDE.
SHE'S THE GREATEST ALL OVER THE WORLD.
IN MAYBE SOME ALTERNATE CANADIAN UNIVERSE.
HUH?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO (bleep) HER!
W-WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO (bleep) HER?
TH-THAT--THAT DOESN'T MAKE (bleep) SENSE!
AAH! (speaking indistinctly)
AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS WAS THE EXACT MOMENT IN THE EVENING
YOU CAN ISOLATE,
LIKE THAT SPLIT SECOND IN THE ZAPRUDER FILM,
WHERE WE STARTED TO LOSE MARTIN.
IT DOESN'T WORK! THAT'S KIND OF AN OBSESSION.
HE WENT OUT, YOU SHOULD KNOW, LIKE A HERO
AND DEFENDING CELINE DION TO THE LAST.
AS ALL GREAT HEROES THROUGHOUT HISTORY,
EVENTUALLY THEY MEET THEIR TROY.
WE ALL OF US HAVE OUR WATERLOO.
AND MINE WILL BE IN ABOUT 15 (bleep) MINUTES.
LIQUOR MOP NEEDED STAT.
MUST. HAVE. TACO.
WE TOOK SOME CASUALTIES, A COUPLE MEN DOWN,
BUT WE'RE HERE.
MONTREAL'S GRUMMAN '78 TACO
IS LIKE A MAGNET FOR THE ALCOHOLICALLY IMPAIRED.
HEY, THERE'S NOBODY HERE, MOTHER-(bleep).
(crickets chirping)
GAELLE CERF,
WHO I KNOW, GOD HELP ME, FROM SUCH PLACES
AS AU PIED DE COCHON.
REALLY?
THIS IS MONSTROUS. THEY WON'T LET YOU SELL FOOD
NO, NOT IN MONTREAL.
MONTREAL HAS BEEN LIKE THAT FOR OVER 40 YEARS NOW.
FOOD TRUCKS IN MONTREAL
WERE BANNED MANY DECADES AGO
FOR HYGIENE REASONS.
AND SUPPOSEDLY FORMER MAYOR DRAPEAU
(bleep).
TODAY IT IS A SAD LAW STUCK IN ANTIQUITY.
OH, FOR SURE.
DONE.
FOR NOW ONE CAN GET THESE FINE TACOS AT--
ON WEEKENDS ANYWAY-- AT NOUVEAU PALAIS
IN MILE END.
(Gaelle) VEGETARIAN TACO.
NO WAY. MAN, THAT-- THAT WAS GOOD.
YES, SIR. NO MEAT.
I'M SO ASHAMED. I FEEL SO DIRTY.
IT'S NOT DIRTY.
YOU'RE EATING A SZECHUAN PORK SCALOPPINI
WITH SALT AND PEPPER FRIED WITH... (speaking indistinctly)
THE TACO IS A PERFECT DELIVERY SYSTEM
FOR SOMETHING SAVORY, HOT,
SPICY, SALTY.
BUT IF YOU CAN'T SERVE IT OUT OF A TRUCK--
DEAR GOVERNMENT OF MONTREAL,
THIS IS A GREAT, GREAT CITY WITH A GREAT FOOD CULTURE.
THE AVERAGE NEW YORKER--
WHY DO THEY COME TO MONTREAL?
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO GET DRUNK
AND THEY WANT TO EAT GOOD (bleep) FOOD
LIKE THIS OUT OF A TRUCK.
(clock ticking)
(indistinct conversation)
ONE OF THE THINGS I RECOMMEND FOR VISITORS IS PATIENCE,
ONLY BECAUSE SOMEWAY, SOMEHOW, WE'RE ALWAYS CONSTRUCTING.
THERE'S ALWAYS A ROAD BEING BUILT OR DEMOLISHED,
SO YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT FOR THAT.
YOU HAVE TO WATCH OUT FOR THE CONCIERGES AT THE HOTELS.
VERY WELL GREASED.
VERY, VERY WELL GREASED BY, UH,
SOME MORE DEVIOUS MONTREAL RESTAURATEURS.
IN THE FINAL HOURS OF THE NIGHT,
I VAGUELY REMEMBER THE MONTREAL CHEFS BRIGADE
TAKING ME IN FOR AN HOUR OR TWO OF SLEEP AND A SHOWER.
I DO NOT RECALL HURTING ANYONE.
THERE WAS, TO THE BEST OF MY RECOLLECTION,
NO KARAOKE, NO LAP DANCES,
NO DRUNK DIALING OF MY FOURTH GRADE SOCIAL STUDIES TEACHER.
BIG DUDE DIED.
NEXT DAY, THE MORNING AFTER, SO TO SPEAK,
I AM GRATEFUL TO BE ALIVE AND LIVING IN HOPE.
HEADACHE? YES.
STILL, I RISE. I PACK.
I COUGH YELLOW BILE INTO THE BIDET,
AND I HEAD FOR THE AIRPORT.
BUT I GIVE MYSELF JUST ENOUGH TIME
FOR SOMETHING I JUST HAVE TO DO.
AND YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD, TOO.
SMOKED MEAT.
YOU CAN'T NOT DO THIS WHEN YOU COME TO MONTREAL.
THERE'S NO WAY. I GOTTA DO IT.
AND SCHWARTZ'S HERE, OPENED IN, LIKE, 1928,
IS NOT JUST CANADA'S OLDEST,
BUT ARGUABLY THE BEST
AT THIS PASTRAMI-LIKE MAGICAL SUBSTANCE.
MARINATED, THEY SAY, FOR TEN DAYS
IN THE INEVITABLE BLEND OF SECRET HERBS AND SPICES--
OH, WHO (bleep) CARES HOW THEY MAKE IT?
WHAT CARNEGIE DELI IS TO NEW YORK,
SCHWARTZ'S IS TO MONTREAL, BUT EVEN MORE SO,
BECAUSE IT'S SUCH A TRADITION.
AND YOU'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO SIT AT THE TABLE
WITH PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW AND BE ABUSED BY THE STAFF.
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS IT'S REALLY GOOD,
SO GOOD THAT IT'S WELL WORTH
PUSHING YOURSELF THROUGH THE CROWD,
SITTING DOWN CHEEK-BY-JOWL WITH STRANGERS,
AND EATING ONE OF THESE GLORIOUSLY MESSY
MOUNTAINS OF MEAT.
THE SMOKED MEAT SANDWICH, CHERRY SODA,
AND A PICKLE, FOR SURE.
YOU CAN CHOOSE THE MEAT LEAN, MEDIUM...
THANK YOU.
PERFECT. THANK YOU.
ENJOY IT.
ALWAYS DO. PRETTY, RIGHT? STILL STEAMIN'.
HOW DO YOU HOLD THESE THINGS TOGETHER? IT'S A CHALLENGE.
MMM.
MAN, THAT'S GOOD.
RIPPING RIGHT THROUGH THIS.
I WON'T BE NEEDING MY IN-FLIGHT MEAL.
TRAVELER'S TIP--IF YOU HAVE TO GET ON A PLANE,
EAT SOMETHING GOOD BEFORE YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT,
SOMETHING BIG AND GOOD THAT'LL, LIKE, KNOCK YOU ON YOUR ***.
THEN YOU'RE OUT ON THE PLANE.
I'LL BE UNCONSCIOUS BY TAKEOFF.
(sighs)
LIKE THE GREAT BAGEL DEBATE,
IS IT PASTRAMI OR SOMETHING ELSE?
NEW YORK--PASTRAMI. MONTREAL--SMOKED MEAT.
TOUGH CALL. THIS STUFF IS GOOD.
IN THE END, WHO REALLY CARES?
IT'S FREAKIN' GOOD.
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
I CAN LEAVE MONTREAL WITH A CLEAN CONSCIENCE NOW.
OFF TO THE AIRPORT.
MAYBE STOPPING OFF TO GET SOME OVER-THE-COUNTER CODEINES--
THEY'RE LEGAL HERE--
AND SOME OTHER LOW-COST PHARMACEUTICALS.
THEY SHOULD REALLY GIVE US THEIR DRUGS AND THEIR CHEFS
AND NEIL YOUNG.
AND WE CAN GIVE 'EM BACK CELINE DION.
THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
♪♪