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♪ 'Inside of me there are two wolves ♪
♪ image of good and image of evil. ♪
♪ They are fighting with ♪ ♪ each other all the time ♪
♪ The winner is the one I feed'. ♪
The Two Wolves
EPISODE 5 HELL OF LONELINESS
It's such a moment when you have enough.
It's such a moment when all your previous solutions
just fail now.
It's such a moment when you know
you get no support from anyone.
She had such an afternoon or evening,
because it doesn't happen in the mornings,
when after some time
she realised she has no way to go.
She probably just hung the rope from the ceiling
or came up with some other idea,
and, as the Book of Tobias says,
she decided to kill herself.
She'd had few husbands. All of them died on a wedding night.
Obviously, it was not that she murdered them.
Instead, it's a beautiful biblical view showing
that she really tried to build many relationships
and all of them ended with its death.
All of them ended with a death of somebody
she was trying to love and who was trying to love her.
In the same house she lived in, the ground floor was occupied by her parents
but apparently they were absent.
When the next candidate appeared, they started to prepare a grave for him
to put it in another way, they simply said:
'Daughter, we so believe in you.
We're sure you do well. That is you'll kill him too'.
It's such a moment when you're convinced no one believes in you,
when all your loves finish sooner than later,
when those supposedly supporting you - abandon you,
so there is only one thing left - to hang a rope from a ceiling
and to finish your own life because there's no reason to live longer.
Why should she immerse in this hopeless loneliness?
In this kind of loneliness the worst thing is
that those who really should be next to you
are simply not here. They are supposedly present.
It's really horrible when a man is lonely
in a sense that he leads a solitary life.
But what's even worse is when there are others around you,
usually your family and close relatives who should love you,
but they bahave in a way as if you were not there.
It is the worst type of loneliness, the loneliness among others.
A man living solo, isolated from others,
it's not that he is well but
can get used to such a state.
But when everyday you see faces of all those
completely not caring about you, then it hurts the most.
It's a kind of wolf with an unbelievable power of destruction.
It is one of the most dangerous wolves
ever seen on the earth.
Wolf of a great loneliness.
Some say that loneliness is a domain of Hell.
That Hell is not a place of great suffering
or some incredible pain,
but it is a place
where people live in unspeakably painful loneliness,
plunged into boundless emptiness. What's more, probably
they are able to see all those who enjoy their happiness.
This is what mystics have written. Those in Hell see Heaven,
see happy people but they're beyond their reach.
Others have such a hell on earth.
They experience this kind of loneliness.
It's an appalling and dreadful wolf.
The feeling of loneliness always accompanies the evil wolf.
He doesn't like to be a member of a pack because he's not willing to share his prey.
An experience of being with others and lack of loneliness
is a privilege of the Good Wolf.
And when it comes to my life - I feel lonely
whenever I'm immersed in a sin,
in thinking that I'm better than others, that I know better than others,
that I'm worth more than others.
Then I feel really lonely.
It's sad. Loneliness is tough.
I struggle with depression for years.
Earlier...
I think I'm not going to exaggerate if I say
that, maybe because of fear, I despised people
suffering from depression or neurosis
until it was my own experience which came as a battle between two wolves -
the evil wolf and the Good Wolf.
I knew that the Good Wolf was losing his chances
and evil one was dominant.
There was a few-year period I was taking medicines not to go mad.
Then I really appreciated those people's struggles,
their fight against depression,
sadness and loneliness.
I know those lower days are spent entirely on lying in one's bed
being not able to talk to anybody
to share this terrible lonelines - this hell with them.
I've seen it many times that when I came back to my community
the sense of loneliness suddenly left
and I knew I was not alone in this struggle.
We all were battling against the dominance of the evil wolf.
It was really a tough battle because the evil wolf is fed all the time.
All around there is something he feeds on.
The world today is full of temptation and passion
that sate the wolf's appetite.
And the Good Wolf - what's left for him?
Family, wife, community and nothing more.
Maybe it's a lot but the thing is to be able to choose the right option.
Loneliness in illness, loneliness in dying...
after all my heart operations,
there were some moments I thought I was going to die.
Then you feel very lonely.
No one being next to you, no one understanding what you're going through.
I am really happy to have my own nest,
my wolves' pack - my family, children, and now even grandchildren
to feel needed by them,
to desire to be the Good Wolf.
Do you know what is the greatest lie
and the greatest deceit used by the evil wolf?
The simple fact we are never alone.
Even if you experience loneliness, like Sarah
there is an answer: God is always next to you.
The evil wolf is trying to make us believe
God does not exist, He is far away from you
not interested, not caring about you.
The Good Wolf says: 'There is no single moment
that I am not with you'.
Then some may say: 'Okay but I don't care
if God exists or not'.
The best thing about Sarah's story is that
when she was just waiting for a proper moment to pull the rope
she was not aware - because the evil wolf was whispering it to her ear -
of Tobias being on the way to her.
At the same time when she was preparing the rope,
hanging it from the ceiling,
Tobias was on a straight way to her which was obviously
planned by Lord God many years earlier.
If she had listened to the evil wolf that time
it would have finished differently.
If you are lonely, if you've got the impression everybody has abandoned you then
firstly: God is with you,
secondly: Tobias is really on the way.
It's really hard to see it clearly now but he is really coming.
Do not trust the wolf which is saying:
'You are alone, you will be alone and it is never going to change'.
It will change. Tobias is on the way
and Lord God has already planned everything being just next to you.
producers
media partners
special thanks
produced by STACJA 7 recorded and edited by Marcin Jończyk
English subtitles by Barbara Salawa