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Ok so now that we got all of that housekeeping stuff out of the way, what brought you guys in today? [Kristina] Um, well it seems like we're having some issues every time I go out or when I go out with friends. [Counselor] Liz would you agree
[Liz] I would agree, she goes out sometimes alot, she's not home with me a lot as much as I want her to. [Counselor] What is as much as I want her to, what does that mean? [Liz] It seems like she always has plans every weekend and doesn't keep me involved
[Counselor] Krissy do you agree? [Krissy] I mean I guess but
it's not like they're all day affairs or anything
I'm going to meet up for a drink or I'm going to a happy hour with coworkers, I'm doing all these things
and she's very welcome to come but she doesn't want to come and she gets clingy
and weird and its just getting to the point to where I don't know what's going on or what's happening.
[Counselor] Liz you adjusted in your seat, how does that make you feel? [Liz] I wouldn't say I get clingy I just want her to acknowledge our relationship more with her coworkers and her friends
and it's not that I don't want to go out, I do want to go out it's just I don't want to go where you're going to go [Counselor] Have you told her, I mean you're telling me now but have you told her that you want to be acknowledged wither co workers and friends
[Liz] Probably not. I just want you to include me with your friends. Just include me that's all I want
[Krissy] I've invited you, how am i supposed to know that you don't like the bars
we go to [Liz] it's not just the bars
[Krissy] or where we go [Liz] It's the entire, it is the bars, it is the scenes that you go to. It's not really my scene
I'd like you to [Krissy] be at home on the couch? [Liz] No not at home on the couch
I mean once in awhile [Krissy] I'm home all week
[Liz] I hardly see you during the week [Counselor] Ok so you're kind of being broad, let's think of a very specific example. When was the last time this happened? [Both] Friday
[Counselor] ok so what happened on Friday? [Liz] She didn't come home for dinner and I got a text saying "hey i'm going to happy hour", it didn't say join us it said "i'm at ..." wherever you ended up going. So i'm like ok, I'll just eat dinner by myself
and wait for you to come home I guess [Counselor] Ok, so now tell me your version, what do you think happened?
[Krissy] Well I worked late and then we went out and got a couple of drinks afterwards
but yes the text just said i'm going wherever
but it's because in the past
I'd say hey do you want to come and she'd say no I don't want to
so ok, I'm gonna go, I'll be home at like 8, 9 o'clock
we can watch a movie, hang out, whatever
but I like being social, I like doing things and being around other people
It's not that I'm out looking for somebody else, I'm just a very social person and
then I come home and she's mopey and upset with me
doesn't ask me how my night went, doesn't talk to me and I'm like trying to drag words out of her
and she's not talking
[Counselor] Ok, so correct me if i'm wrong but it sounds like you're saying
that on Friday you wanted Liz to come out, you sent her a text, you would have liked if she was there?
[Krissy] Yeah but I didn't ask her to be there, I acknowledge that I did not ask her
because I assumed she didn't want to be there because of years of not coming [Counselor] and Liz when you got the text from Kristina did you feel like she wanted you there?
[Liz] No I didn't feel like she wanted me there at all [Counselor] If you felt invited do you think you would have gone? [Liz] possibly, I'm not sure now but I think I might have gone [Counselor] Ok so it sounds like you have a disconnect on what you're saying and what you mean maybe, and text messages can do that sometimes [Counselor] So let's go back, how did you guys meet? [Krissy] At a bar, which is probably why she doesn't like the idea of going to a bar, because it was a one night thing that turned into more than a one night thing
[Counselor] So who approached who? [Liz] Krissy approached me and I bought her a drink [Krissy] she seemed cool and so I said that's what I want [Counselor] So what attracted you to Liz?
[Krissy] she was just an attractive person, and she was nice, and kind, and caring, and we talked and we hit it off and it was fun. We partied and did some shots [Liz] It was a good night [Krissy] It was fun
[Counselor] So you're both smiling when you talk about it
So we know there was a time
when you used to go out together and it was a good experience
[Both] Yes, exactly [Counselor] Are you both looking to get back to that or are you saying that that's not where you're at anymore?
[Liz] I feel like i've... I don't like going out and feeling like i'm the oldest person in the room anymore. I think i'm past that and I don't necessarily want you to get past that but I want you to recognize
[Krissy] but it's not like we're out at the club, we're sitting on a patio bar at Dock of the Bay having a drink. We're not out there partying, dancing. I'm not out until 2-3 in the morning [Liz] I guess I'd like people to come to the house more. I'm just so tired of the bar scene. It's the same people and the same conversations.
it's just one to many of the same night and it seems like we can entertain at home [Counselor] How do you feel about that?
[Krissy] i'm fine having people at the house but I work downtown so it's convenient because the bars are near, whereas we live in Kenmore
so driving home and then asking people to drive there
I mean we could do it every once in awhile [Liz] it would involve planning [Krissy] Yeah, were it's usually "hey do you want to go get a drink" "Sure" and we grab a beer and then go home
[Counselor] Ok, I'm going to go back to something you said earlier, that Liz doesn't want you going out because that's where you met. Liz do you feel like that? [Liz] Maybe it's not that I don't trust her I think it's more of the inclusion or lack of inclusion
[Counselor] tell Krissy
[Liz] I trust you, I just miss you [Counselor] So what do you need from Liz? [Krissy] The major issue is that when she does come out she's always by my side
which is fine but if i don't include her in every conversation she gets upset
and there's alot of people around. I haven't severed ties with my friends where with her it seems like she doesn't talk to her friends
so it's hard because I want to give her attention
but I want to give everyone else there a little bit of time too
so it's hard to do that so I need her to get out there and talk to everyone
or bring one of your friends along and include them [Liz] Your coworkers are decent people but i wouldn't call them my friends and I haven't severed ties with my friends a lot of them left the area unfortunately
the people you associate with I don't see similarities with them and I don't know why you do
[Krissy] because they are like me, we have fun
it's not like we like the same things but they're my age, and they're married, and they have kids
and we talk about everything that's going on [Liz] not all of them are married
[Krissy] but we have similar interests
we go to the gym, we run, we have similar interests. It's not like they're out partying
you have this thought in your head that they're people who like to go out drinking all the time when they're just like me. They're not bad people. I feel like you're not giving them a chance.
[Liz] I kind feel like I have. It's not like i think they're up there doing body shots it seems like the same thing
[Counselor] Ok so if therapy worked and things were perfect
what would a Friday night look like for you guys?
[Krissy] I think I'd shoot you a text and see what you're up to and maybe having dinner and then walking in the sunset. [Liz] that sounds wonderful [Krissy] but also invite other couples, dinner would be just the 2 of us but then grab drinks with friends [Liz] That sounds wonderful
[Counselor] So how are you both going to know that the other wants to make these plans? [Liz] I think we need to start planning things
because when things just come up like happy hours it kind of upsets me so maybe at the 1st inkling that you're going to go out you shoot me a text
[Counselor] So is a text ok? [Liz] A text is ok if she includes me
[Krissy] but would you even agree to come out [Liz] Maybe not every time but i'd like to be asked [Counselor to K25] do you see a problem with that?
[Krissy] if she says no every time [Liz] it's probably 50/50 [Krissy] 60/40 [Counselor] Ok so the goal would be, and this is based of what you said, Liz you want to make plans in advance and Krissy you want to go out more together. Is this something you would want to contract about to work on this week?
[Both agreed] [Counselor] ok so this week you're going to make plans together? [agrees] So how are you going to know you've done this?
[Krissy] we could discuss it in advance [Counselor] You're going to discuss it verbally? [Liz] yeah we'll have a conversation [Krissy] Yes, verbally on Wednesday mornings [Counselor repeats goal back]
[Counselor] What if things change?
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