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Eh! Eh! Eh! Mom! Mom! Mommy!
What is it Mikayla? Mommy's busy with her Adderall and Zinfandel. Zinferall... Adderdel...
Zinafa... Zan can...
Mom! I can't reach the Gushers!
Mikayla, you already had a pack of Gushers this afternoon.
Yeah. What's your *** point?
Jesus Mikayla, shut the *** up. I ate the last bag of Gushers while you were taking
your afternoon bath, you dirt ball.
Oh, well, in that case, Shay, I suggest you sleep with one eye open.
Mikayla! What does Mommy say about making threats we know we can't keep?
Oh, no Mommy, I will keep it.
You heard her Shay. One eye open.
Hieeeeee!!!!!
Hieeee!!!!!
Hieeeee!!!!
Hieeeeee!!!!!
Nice of you to show up, Cameron.
Save it Shay, I just had to break up with my 29 year old boyfriend today, ok?
Oh no sweetie, why?
Because I got a brand new 31 year old boyfriend! Suck it ***!
Yeah, my new boyfriend is so much more mature. My old boyfriend was always like, "Oh, I just
got divorced, why'd you give me ***?" And my new boyfriend is all like, "*** my ex-wife,
I already had *** and I don't even care."
Shay, sweetie, when is your little friend coming over?
Oh great, do we get to entertain another one of Shay's "investigate my ***" boys.
Seriously, Shay, just commit to the ***.
Uh, no, actually I invited Deandra to dinner.
Why am I gasping? I already knew that.
Ugh, Mom are you talking to yourself again?
Girls night!
Shay why would we invite Deandra over? Isn't she just a little pissed off that, you know,
that we ripped her arms off?
Ub, nope, definitely knew that one too.
Cameron she said doesn't care about that anymore. She has new arms now.
Sorry. Wrong arm.
Come in.
Hieeeee!!!!!
Sup.
Deandra! I love what you've done with your nubs!
Thanks, don't scuff it up. My dad's still making payments. Hey Shay.
What?
Hi Deandra!
Hello Gizmo.
So Deandra, have you heard the big news that everyone's talking about? I have a new boyfriend!
Yo tengo un nuevo hombre.
Oh sorry, I must've missed that one. You know I've been kind of busy getting my arms reattached.
Remember, the ones that you ripped out of their sockets!
Is it gonna be like this all night?
I'm sorry, I just needed to get that off of my chest... Similar to the way that you ripped
my arms off of my chest. That was the last one.
Alright fine.
Oh no, Mommy's glass is empty. Time for you girls to make a zinfandel run.
Mommy, none of us are twenty-one. You have to go get it yourself.
Shay, Mommy can't drive right now. (Turns to camera) Because of the baby. Yes, the baby.
No, mommy can't drive because Officer Midnight Visits took her license away.
His name is Rick. Rick Midnight Visits.
Ugh, c'mon Deandra, let's go.
Oh, is that something we're going to do after we eat?
Trust me, the last thing we need before a meal is my mother sobering up. The last time,
she made us pray.
Byeeeee!!!!
Byeeee
Alright, you three stay out here. I've got a plan.
Just this for today.
I'm gonna need to see some ID.
I thought you said had a plan.
I did. Go inside. Buy the zinfandel. Then leave.
Oh you're right, Shay. I guess the only part of your plan that didn't work was the whole
*** thing!
Oh well, guess we failed. We should probably go eat an entire meal and reorganize.
Deandra, we're not going anywhere. I should've done this myself from the start. If there's
one thing that I've learned in college, it's how to get alcohol from boys.
Oh, hi nice vest. Just the zinfandel for today.
Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some ID.
Oh, of course.
Oh look, golden girls fell out! Anything else?
Uh, you don't remember me do you, Cameron?
Um, no, I don't remember most people.
Blake Jensen.
Um, nope.
I was starting quarterback our senior year.
Blake with a B... you threw a ball?
We were on prom court together...
I remember prom. I was prom queen!
We dated for two years.
Dated monogamously? I definitely don't remember you.
Then you dumped me for a twenty-nine year old after graduation.
Oh right. Blake! You look so good!
No I don't.
Damn it!
And you're not twenty-one.
God damn it!
Well, what happened, Cameron? The saggy sisters didn't get us any ***?
Oh that's so cute, my little sister made a funny joke. Shut the *** up. The ghost of
Christmas past wouldn't sell me anything.
Awesome. Can we go eat now?
Don't worry. I've got this!
Hello.
Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some ID.
God dammit!
Oh well, there's a Quik Trip about three miles down. Maybe we can pay a homeless man to buy
us some zinfandel.
I'm sorry, but I was invited here for dinner not some Indiana Jones zinfandel hunt. I could
be at the torta bar at Jose' Peppers right now but instead I'm here with you three think
for yourselfers. Now step aside, if it's a bottle of zinfandel that stands between me
and several helpings of chicken fried prime rib, then a bottle of zinfandel you shall
have.
What the *** is chicken fried prime rib?
I don't know, but Mom definitely doesn't know how to make anything except corn dogs.
For sure.
Hi, can I see your-
Listen, I am buying this bottle of wine. Now you can sell it to me or I can sell your organs
on the black market! So far tonight, your little power trip has cost me twenty-five
minutes that I could've spent eating a delicious chicken fried prime rib dinner! So, while
I hold your fragile little life in my stainless steel fingertips, I ask you, cashier, do you
need my ID? Do you?
No, we're good.
Great. I'm also going to take these Funyuns. And a Slim Jim. And a Twix. No Snickers. No
Twix. No, I don't want to ruin my appetite...both.
Jesus, Deandra, what did you get?
Justice. And a Slim Jim.