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I'd like to learn a little bit about kind of, just to dig a little deeper into that
idea of you have your pain, and you have your insecurities, and your fears arising, the
fear of being judged, the fear of being not good enough, and then you automatically fall
into this default mode of overachieving. Like, can you, can you define a little bit more how
overachieving satisfied you, or how that felt to you? 'Cause it sounds like, if we
go back to this example, that you'd find yourself uncomfortable in this state, and then you'd
transfer right into whatever this positive thing was that was gonna make you feel better.
I mean, is that an accurate understanding? Yeah, we could say, I mean we could say achievement
was my addiction, you know? It was the thing that I used to, you know, feel my cup up,
to make me feel worthy, to make me feel valuable and it was that thing I used to avoid feeling,
you know, to avoid the pain. So, it was highly effective, highly effective, just incredibly
depleting and not fulfilling. See that's the thing, when I teach about compensatory strategies
and when I go and talk to companies, this is what I talk about because a lot of times
when I'm talking to companies, I'm talking to highly successful, high-level people, but
they're not fulfilled and they want me to talk about work-life balance, which I'm like,
what does that mean anyway? So, I go in saying I'm gonna talk about work-life balance, but
what I really talk about is fulfillment, not fulfillment of duties, but really true fulfillment.
And, successful people create success often based on their compensatory strategies. I
was able to create a lot of success and we haven't even gotten to my twenty-something
story yet. I was able to create a tremendous amount of success by using this achievement.
The problem was, underneath what was really driving it was so much pain. So it was like
no matter what, enough was never enough. There was always more. So, that's sort of the slippery
slope of these compensatory strategies. On the outside, they can be highly effective
in creating results, but what it doesn't do is really give us a sense of fulfillment.
I have a, can I share a little bounce off that theory? 'Cause I always come up with
little ways to visualize certain things, 'cause I feel like some of these things we talk about
are really complex, and we stay toward compensatory strategy, and you know, it's the idea of how
do we really relate to it? I'm more of a visual person and I have this idea of, people are
like cars, and that in order for a car to function properly, you need to fill up the
tank with gas. And I'm sure you've heard variations of this, but this idea that we have love tanks.
And that instead of filling our love tanks with whatever external sources, is learning
how to fill our love tanks with love. And I feel like there's kind of three main ways
to fill up that love tank, and what I find is that the people who are, the first way
is kind of these addictive tendencies, which are the things that give you the quick high.
And it's interesting that you're using this idea of achievement as addiction, because
you think of drugs, you think of sex, you think of eating and all these things that
give you that quick high, you fill up your love tank with it temporarily, but it's really
making it emptier and emptier and emptier, and so you keep filling it with the same thing,
but it keeps getting emptier and you're not actually getting the lasting satisfaction
that you're looking for. I don't know if I've ever thought of something as positive as over-achievement
as being as detrimental, as something that we can be addicted to, because it's really
just using something completely outside of ourselves to try to give us, to try to fill
up our love tank that's not gonna be filled. Yeah, and it's really rewarded by society.
Right. You know, like drugs and alcohol aren't necessarily. But, you know, something like
achievement, that's why it's kind of, you know, it's tricky, because you get a lot of
validation from that, you get a lot of like taps on the back. So, you want more of it.
Yeah, exactly. I love that visual. And just to add into the other two realms, just to
make sure I pull it all together. The second one is kind of the more, the less detrimental
things, but it's more the distractors, the TV watching, the being with friends, the giving,
I know for me it was always like I'd call up a friend and they'd tell me all their problems,
and I would feel worthy because I gave to them, you know? There's different kinds of
ways in which we distract from the feeling of having that empty love tank, you know,
socializing, or just ways that we're just stepping away from ourselves, that we're not
being with the experience of having that empty love tank. And that last part is that self-love
component, which is the willingness to be with the discomfort and to give yourself love.
And when I say love, it's an unconditional acceptance, you know? So, it's interesting
to have different ways to explain very similar things. I love that, I love the visual of
car, like how you're filling up your love tank, that's so great. Well you can steal it,
you're welcome to it. I won't steal it, I'll just share it.