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IN HONOR OF DEATHSPANK, MIGHTY HERO OF THE DOWNTRODDEN AND VANQUISHER OF SQUISHY THINGS,
I'M GOING TO DO THIS ENTIRE REVIEW IN MY HEROIC VOICE. HECK, I'M EVEN TYPING IT IN ALL CAPS!
NO, THERE'S NO NEED TO THANK ME, I'M JUST IN IT FOR THE JUSTICE! JUSTICE THAT WHETS
MY APPETITE UNTIL I CAN DIG INTO THIS COURTROOM GAME. ANYWAY, WHERE WAS I? WHY YES, DEATHSPANK,
A TALE OF ONE MAN'S QUEST FOR AN ARTIFACT, CALLED THE ARTIFACT, FORETOLD IN PROPHECY
AND GUARDED BY HORDES OF MONSTERS THAT REQUIRE BEATINGS. BEATINGS I'M MORE THAN HAPPY TO
DISH OUT, IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE.
Buddha, if I keep that up I might sprain something. Yes, Deathspank, the moderately *** but
very heroic hero, takes to the field in this PC version to scramble about a lush world,
quad-wield a generous selection of weaponry, and fulfill quests for the locals because
that's what heroes do. Said locals, along with our hero, everyone he meets, and likely
the directors and staff of this very game, all have at least one and possibly as many
as five screws loose, and put ol' Deathspank through his paces, whether it involves cacking
chickens, making slimes explode, or literally beating the *** out of demons. Makes for
excellent fertilizer, y'know.
While it plays very much like an action game, there's a solid RPG backend to the experience
that emphasises improving your gear and finding a nice balance of weapons to suit your playstyle.
At each level-up, you've got a Mario RPG-style choice of benefits to develop, from increased
movement speed to melee or ranged damage improvements to being able to fake your level as it pertains
to certain pieces of armor. You've usually got a hammer, axe, sword, and crossbow at
any given time, though these are fiddle-able so as to suit your needs at any given time.
A similar quartet of slots are available for fast-access to healing or utility items like
potions, chicken drumsticks, nachos... dammit, now I'm hungry. So please enjoy some more
gratuitous violence while I hustle down to the commissary for some pierogies.
FINALLY, MY HUNGER IS SATED AND I CAN DO THE HEROIC VOICE AGAIN. Or I'll give that a rest.
There's certainly plenty of overacting, with almost every line of dialogue voiced and delivered
with an EMPHASIS ON BEING STRANGE. And that's awesome. It's like The Tick, Space Ghost,
Brock Samson, and Emmett Nirvend got jammed into a meat grinder and came out as MONEY,
baby. That's exactly what this game is like. Or, it's a quality hacky slashy action game
with well-designed RPG mechanics and an absolute inability to take itself seriously, and that's
even better. I'm even willing to forgive it the couple glitches I came across, like these
completely immortal demons, as the rest of the experience has been fantastic. YOU MAY
REST EASY, YOUTUBE-VIEWING CITIZEN. SLEEP SAFE, KNOWING THAT YOUR HERO IS ON THE JOHN.
Erm, job.