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I wear hearing aids and, uh...
Got really quite in here for a second. Or did it!? No, no. It did. It did. I heard that.
That's why I wear them, guys. They're not just for looks.
But, uh, I want to say right off the bat. No pity or sympathy for my hearing aids. Like,
I love my hearing aids. Life is perfect. I mean, being hearing impaired in the 21st century
is easy.
They've got so much technology now. I take my hearing aids out to sleep so I can't hear
anything when I'm sleeping. Which is great. I don't hear my neighbours or dogs barking
or fire alarms or anything. But, um. Oh it's convenient. How often is there really a fire,
right?
I can't hear an alarm so I've always had a hard time waking up. But they invented this
alarm clock I put under my pillow and it vibrates really powerfully and wakes me up. It's beautiful.
It solved my problem. But it's also really terrifying. So terrifying. Because now all
my dreams end in an earthquake. That part took some getting used to.
I'm cool with it though, man. At least I'm in the 21st century. Like, if I lived a hundred
years ago before hearing aids were invented? Oh man, life would have sucked. Like, if I
was living in the village or something. I would have been the dude in the village with
the giant horn in his ear. Nobody liked that guy.
Every conversation would have been horrible. Can you imagine?
"Hey DJ, how's it going? How you been?"
"What's that now!?"
"Ah [expletive] it. I'm not talking to that guy. I was gonna tell you there's a fire in
the village, but you'll figure it out."
They were real cruel back in the village. Real cruel.
I hear better out of my left ear, so when people are calling me from behind, I turn
to the left. And I've noticed now that because of that, I'm not - - I can barely turn my
neck to the right. You see that? I'm not getting maximum rotation here, which is not good.
Strictly from a survival perspective. I'm trying to work on that now.
Especially now that I've just told you guys my weakness. I don't want you guys, after
the show, y'know? "Get him! Attack on the right!" You know too much.
I've been trying to stretch my neck out, but I've realized the neck is such a creepy muscle
to stretch out in public. You can not stretch your neck out in public.
I'll be sitting on a streetcar or the bus, and I'll be like, "Oh OK, I got nothing to
do. Now's a good time to stretch."
(Slowly turns neck to look at the audience.)
People beside me on the bus are like, "What the hell is this guy doing over here!?"
I'm like, "Oh my god! They think I'm staring at them! This is so creepy. I'm going to do
something to alleviate this. I've got just the fix. Alright cool. I'll stretch out. Alright."
(Slowly turns neck to look at the audience with eyes closed.)
Doesn't work. Just as creepy. Just as creepy. Probably more creepy actually.
Like I said, I don't want any pity or sympathy from anybody, but I got pity from a police
officer a couple weeks ago. I was out riding my bicycle down the street in the winter,
like a real badass. And I went through a red light. I didn't know you're not allowed to
do that on a bike either. You live and you learn. You live and you learn, right?
So this cop. You could tell right away he was a really mean, stern cop. You could see
it in his eyes. He pulled over right beside me. I'm on my bike. He's in his car. And he
was yelling at me through his window. And halfway through his first sentence, I saw
him notice my hearing aids and his sternness just melted away into sympathy. It was beautiful.
I accepted it gladly. I did not fight it. It was amazing.
He was like, "HEY! Do you know why I - -"
(in a friendlier voice) "Do you know why I pulled you over, bud?"
And I was like, "No. Is there a problem, officer?"
And he said, "Naahhh. There's no problem. Get outta here! Get outta here! And hey! Good
on ya for getting out there and doing stuff!"
And I said (in lispy voice) "Thank you officer!"
Oh yeah, I played it up. Oh yeah. To get out of a ticket, I'd go full Helen Keller. You're
allowed to laugh at that. It's cool.
Thank you very much, everybody.