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Because this isn't what you think when you bring
the baby home from the hospital.
That they're going to end up an alcoholic
or an addict, you don't, you know, it's like
this will never happen to me, and so when it does,
it's a shocker.
And if I would have known some of the things
that I know now,
my life with my son would have been much more
blessed because I wouldn't have spent fifteen
years trying to change him.
I mean, look at how my life has changed because
of this experience,
look what my son has given me, even in his death,
it's amazing and that's there for everybody.
And it took me, I think about twelve years into my
relationship with my son to figure out you just
have to love him where he's at.
You know, just do what he asks,
love him where he is at,
and when he does something great, praise him,
because he heard for years what he didn't do right.
They already know what they don't do right.
You know, I was way to involved
in my son's addiction.
That need to try to change somebody when you
can't change them, you talk about a powerful drug,
and when you think you have changed them, woo,
what a high. And it's a fault, it's not real,
because nobody can change another person.
You know, you can only change yourself.
You can support them, you can, you know,
if they ask for advice or help you can give them
what they ask for but that's it.
How an addict or an alcoholic is preoccupied with
a drug or the, you know the alcohol, you know,
a alcodependent is preoccupied with the person.
I mean I can't tell you how many nights and days
my whole life revolved around what my son was
doing, or what he wasn't doing, or where he was,
was he sober, was he using.
It's been my experience that it's just as important
for family members to recover,
to get into recovery as it is for the addict,
or the alcoholic to get into recovery.
So for me Minnesota Recovery Connection was a
place where I could get that support.
And I get myself reflected back.
People in recovery are the most non-judgmental,
kind, loving supportive people, who wouldn't want
to be around that?
So a lot of people said to me, you know,
after Aaron died,
"Why are you still going to the recovery meetings?"
I said just because he died doesn't mean I'm not still
the same, I still have the same issues,
I mean I can find anybody to take care of.
I can find anybody to be dysfunctional with.
I think an alcodependent is addicted to kind of
another person and trying to change them.
They're addicted to making a relationship go a
certain way.
They're addicted to trying to
save people from themselves.
If family members get involved in the recovery
community they start working on their own selves
and realize the value of that work.
I know the rest of my family members,
the rest of my children and my stepsons benefitted
from me being in recovery.
It made their life a heck of a lot easier than
it made my son's.
Just that sick relationship that I had with Aaron,
did so much damage to my relationship with my other
son, I gave so much time to Aaron when,
Jeff needed everything to, but you know,
they're supposed to understand right? Wrong.
So, finally after how many years,
I finally have a relation, you know a great
relationship with my other son.
It took a long time.