Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Thank you, thank you very much. Well, it looks like Ashton and Demi are having troubles. Apparently, he was caught having sex with a younger woman in a hot tub. And bloody hell, to make things worse, it was on the day of his wedding anniversary. When he was asked why he did it. He said, that since he was replacing Charlie Sheen on two and a half men, he needed to do some hands on research for the part. After that, Ashton actually texted me about getting his torpedo caught in the tuna net. I told him to read luke chapter 17 verse 4. It's there that I talked about God's unlimited forgiveness and how God would forgive him for breaking one of the ten commandments. I said, if he trespass against God seven times in a day, and then seven times in a day he turns again to God saying I repent. Even then , God shall forgive him. I'm not sure he really got my point, because the next day, Ashton got into a hot tub with seven women. But none of them could figure out why he was screaming. I repent. I repent. So, we've had some sad news in the technology world. Steve Jobs just died. If you've been hiding under a rock, he's the man responsible for creating that massive iconic empire called apple. It's amazing isn't it? His iPhone has so many apps on it and it seems like everybody owns one. We also have the ability to communicate with each other no matter where we are in the world. So that got me thinking. Well, you know there's been a steady decline of church attendance in the last few decades, and so I thought that it was time the church moved into the age of technology, so I created this new app. Check it out. The way it works is that you simply click on the app and you automatically get a one nine hundred number to God. Your Pay Pal account gets automatically charged and if you sign up for the gold plan, you can confess your sins for as little as $.99 per minute. Alright let's try it now. Dad are you ready? Sure son. I'm always ready. That's me dad by the way. He's also the producer of the show. Go ahead Dad, start the demo. Well, it seems that there's a lot of people sinning at the moment. Dad! Run it again. Son of a ***! Jesus Christ Dad. Are you pressing the right button? Course I'm pressing the right button you idiot. It's your God damn programming that's the problem. It's a piece of crap like all that furniture you make. And how many times have I told you to stop swearing? You never support me in anything I do. You've never been there for me! God I hate you! Stop your whining. For God's sake, who was it that resurrected you after you got your silly *** nailed to the cross. I warned you about those Romans. Are you God damn kidding me? You're the one who told me to get nailed to the cross ,and die, so that all of mankind would be saved from their sins. You moron. Does that make any sense to you at all. Think about it. Why the hell would that make any difference to me? If I was really pissed off with everybody down there, wouldn't I just kill everybody instantly? I was just screwing with you, you idiot. You self righteous, narcissistic jerk! Why you spoiled, ungrateful brat! Cheap *** Hey, relax folks! We were only acting! Don't ever try that at home! Fighting with God is never a good idea, because if you get him mad, he might just zap you with lightning. (zapped with lightning) Very funny Dad. You're a real riot. My first guest needs no introduction. He was a former Mr. Universe, the governor of New Mexico, an action movie star, and one of the world's top professional golfers. Please welcome Arnold Woods from his home somewhere in Zimbabwe (start PIP) Arnold, that's an interesting house you're living in. Why did you move to Zimbabwe? (freeze Jesus) (PIP Arnold) Hello Jesus. Yes, this was the only house I could afford to buy after my divorce settlement. It's a 4 bedroom mineralized earth construction quasi geodesic home. It cost me 4 trillion Zimbabwe dollars or about 149 U.S. dollars. With everything that's happened to me lately, I'm trying to get some privacy from the media. That's why I'm wearing this disguise. I'm actually feeling a bit nervous about giving this interview. (freeze Arnold) Well, worry not, Arnold. You're safe in your "mud hut". Remember who you're talking to. You can feel confident knowing that you are free from judgement and persecution on my show. Excuse me for saying this but compared to the last time I saw you, you're looking like quite the porker. (Cut to 100% Arnold) (sad)(I've been having trouble sleeping and so I've been eating a lot at night. I'm not sure why, but I'm kind of going through a bit of a rough patch lately. (Cut to 100% Jesus) Okay, well maybe I can help you here. Let's talk about what happened to you recently. You admitted to having a baby with your housekeeper and to having sex with a waitress that worked in a local diner, you paid for sex with *** in Las Vegas, and surprisingly, your wife divorced you. (start PIP) (freeze Jesus) Yes, that's right. (freeze Arnold) Now, infidelity isn't anything new to celebrities. I was just talking about Ashton and Demi and their problems. But here's what I don't understand. Your former wife was a gorgeous model, a journalist, an author of six best selling books, was an emmy award winning tv producer and she also came from a very wealthy family of politicians and yet you still cheated on her. (freeze Jesus) What's your point? (freeze Arnold) Let me explain it this way. Have you heard of Adam and Eve? (freeze Jesus) Of course. (Cut to 100% Jesus) The Bible states that God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and birds. He brought them to the man so that he would name them. But for Adam, no suitable helper was found, so God made a gorgeous naked woman from the rib he had taken out of Adam. But when the bible says "helper", what it actually meant is "sex partner". You see if Adam started having sex with an animal like the Yak, (PIP of Yak) then God wouldn't have had to create Eve. The Yak would have been Adam's "helper". (Cut to 100% Arnold) So, then our whole planet would be filled with men and Yaks having sex and creating baby … Man Yaks? (Cut to 100% Jesus) Exactly. And the story goes on to tell about the sexy sleek serpent that convinces the equally sexy and naked Eve to eat that luscious and juicy apple that God forbid her to eat. (start PIP) (freeze Jesus) And the point of the story was that we should not give in to temptation. (freeze Arnold) No, of course not, that's idiotic. The moral of the story is that all men should choose naked, sleek, sexy and juicy women, not Yaks. And that was your problem. (freeze Jesus) I chose the Yaks. (freeze Arnold) Bingo. Arnold. Always remember that when God gives you an apple, never choose the lemon. If you absolutely have to trade the apple in, make sure you always "upgrade" to a peach. (freeze Jesus) But wait a second. What you're saying is that if I have a Yak and I'm beside a Peach tree, it's okay to trade the Yak in for, say, a Fox, but only if I don't eat the peach. (Cut to 100% Jesus) No, you can eat the peach just don't have sex with the Fox if the Yak is eating the apples. (start PIP) (Arnold surprised and scratching his head) But now we're getting into some advanced spirituality, which to be honest, is beyond the scope of this talk show. Thanks for taking the time to be on my show Arnold. (Cut to 100% Arnold waiving goodbye) That's all the time we have, I'll see you next time on the Jesus Christ show�