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< curious, subtle acoustic music >
< upbeat theme music >
Hey you.
Good morning.
Ugh...what's so good about it?
Yeah, I guess they do get kind of repetitive, huh?
Sun comes up, sun goes down.
Wheel in the sky keeps on turning, you know?
Why even bother, you know?
This is nice, though.
Yeah, this is nice.
We should always have sex and stuff.
Have you ever dated a girl that was taller than you?
Yeah, in high school I went out with the center for the girl's basketball team.
But...
After she beat me in one-on-one, everything got weirdly competitive.
Like, even sex.
She'd be all, like...
"Oh, I'm about to come."
I'd be like, "Too slow, ***."
"I already finished."
You're funny.
Oh, I wasn't joking.
< sensual jazz with saxophone >
< male vocals > "You're the kind of girl..."
"that I dream about."
"With stars in your eyes"
"You're the kind of girl..."
"that I talk about."
"I wanna make you mine..."
"tonight."
"You're my kind of girl."
< music fades out >
What the ***?
I was...
I was gonna let you sleep.
While you perv out on my chair?
What is going on?
I would say it's not what it looks like, but it's...
It's exactly what it looks like.
I've been waiting for the right time to tell you this.
I'm into wheels.
Like really...into wheels.
Oh! You're one of those creepy devotee guys!
I knew this was too good to be true.
No. No, I'm not into you because you're in a wheelchair.
I'm into you...
and the wheelchair.
It's called circlephilia.
All my life, I have loved wheels. Anything round.
I guess you could say my life revolves around them.
Wheels are our greatest invention.
A simple, geometrically perfect machine that revolutionized the world.
To you, it may be a weird fetish, but to me...
< whispers > it's the circle of life.
And three-hundred-and-sixty degrees is so hot.
Yeah, well. I'm tired.
And that was not a pun.
I need coffee.
Can I have my chair, please?
Don't go. I want -- I want to make this work.
With me, or with my chair?
I don't get this! I thought you really liked me.
No, I do! I do.
And I want to be with you.
< romantic piano music >
And her.
Like a threesome.
So, you're a stand-up.
Like Dane Cook.
What?
No, not like Dane Cook.
I mean...
He's...more well known.
But just last week, Ellen DeGeneres did one of my jokes.
Really? Ellen did one of your jokes?
Well...not technically.
But, like...
I think what happened is we wrote the same joke at the same time coincidentally...
and then Ellen did her version of it.
Oh.
But it gives you a good feeling. It's like...
Definitely on the right wavelength, you know?
Lockin' in to the right...
comedy wavelength.
I have a serious case of morning mouth.
I'm gonna go grab some water.
Where is the kitchen? This place is like a maze.
< lo-fi, arcade game inspired dubstep >
Whoa.
What?
Don't you see it?
Power pellet. Bonus fruit.
And these dots, leading all the way to you...
the pink ghost.
It's Pac-Man!
Do you have any idea what this means?
< music ends >
Hold on a sec, funny guy. I don't like where this is going.
What do you mean? This is just -- It's an awesome video game metaphor.
If you think that you can just hook up with me and then turn it in to one of your comedy skits...
you're dead wrong!
And if you ever mention this to anyone...
I will cut your *** tongue out and stick it up your ***!
Got it?
Pinky, come back!
Dammit!
That was my favorite shirt.
Oh, yeah! That was how you party! We partied so hard last night.
Hmm.
We gotta party more together, Teal.
Me and you.
Where's Brian? Does he not like brunch or something?
I can't talk about it right now.
Where's the other Teale?
She got all offended because she thought...
I was gonna talk about her in my set or something.
- Would you do that? - No.
I mean, well I wasn't going to. But...
maybe that's just because I hadn't thought of it yet.
Excuse me.
Yeah, it's you! You're the chick from the video!
Oh, hi. Are you thinking about Push Girls?
I'm not actually in that.
No, what the *** is a Push Girl, man?
I'm talking about the squid video on Reddit!
Where the squid are like flailing tentacles, and you're like, "*** squid!" and "Pew-pew-pew!"
Right, with the -- ***, for the win! The squid!
Good *** work, man.
Yeah! Best ridiculous video of the year!
That is so Hollywood!
It's like an episode of "Entourage" or something!
Recognized! Hollywood!
Somebody's buying brunch this morning.
And can it be you? Because I don't have any cash.
< mellow synth music >
- Hey! - Hey.
- Yo Teal, do we have any -- - I'm talking to somebody, can it wait?
I don't think so.
Congratulations! You won the internet.
Really? What's that worth?
Well, in addition to being internet famous forever...
you can also read practically any comment on your video...
and see little pimple dicks saying they would let you perform sex acts on them.
Oh, oh here's one. "I would let dat space ho s my dils."
What does that even mean?
Or this one...
"This chick's arms are jacked..."
"I'd let her give me a handy, but I'm scared she'd rip it right off."
Their spelling is terrible.
Yeah, but they're pretty creative for a pack of illiterate virgins.
Ugh, this is so embarassing.
No no, this is a good thing! You're viral now!
- Is that why I feel so sick? - Come on!
Do you realize how many desperate people in LA are trying to make this happen every day?
And at least you didn't have to make some cheesy "Star Wars" video.
Ugh, those are the worst!
Someone important is going to see this video of you...
murdering Calimari, and they are going to call you.
Worst case scenario, it's Daniel Tosh.
You're not helping.
Now cheer up.
Seriously, I've gotta go, but... let's have lunch soon, okay?
- Yeah, that sounds good, bye. - Okay bye.
< computer ding >
< computer ding >
< exasperated groan >
< ending theme plays >
< wind blowing, cape flapping >
< thunder clap >
< person imitates wooshing noise >
< woosh >
< roar >