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My boyfriend at the time was having his very first one-man show, which I just had to see.
I wanted permission to go out chaperoned.
I had told them that I wanted to talk to the female psychiatrist.
The nurse said: “No, that won’t be possible”.
Then I broke down completely, and I sat down in this corridor...
and I was absolutely devastated.
Then, when she came out of her office ...
...instead of walking over to put a hand on my shoulder ...
or say something to me, she walked all the way over to the opposite wall...
... and looked at me, like I was completely crazy for wanting to talk to her.
Like she couldn’t see, how completely miserable I was …
I have a really dreadful notion about how all psychiatrists are...
...is that most of them have just been in the profession for far too many years.
There isn’t a lot of eye contact.
They’re very cold and cynical, and yes, they do need to keep a certain distance.
As you have to. But there isn’t really any compassion in their eyes.
Most of them are just drug dealers supported by the state, really.
If you have a good enough story, as to why you should get certain pills, you’ll get them.
There isn’t a lot of like; “Well, do you think that’s such a good idea or …?”
There’s certain stuff you’re not supposed to take, when you’re bipolar,
and I’ve taken a lot of it, because they didn’t know, where I stood.
And I’ve been on the first five or six antipsychotic preparations, which have either destroyed me
completely, in the way that I couldn’t do anything but sleep, or I put on five kilos in a month.
There are so many side effects to it, and because they haven’t been 100% sure what was wrong..
...they just gave me all these different preparations, and they haven’t helped at all.
I didn’t think, he was a psychiatrist at first, I just thought, he was a nurse.
But then afterwards, when he said: “Oh, well yeah, I’m a psychiatrist” ...
...I just stood there as this big question mark, because you just see so few young psychiatrists.
He’s 35, and he’s super humorous and sunny and talks to me ...
... like I’m a real human being, and not like I’m a medical record.
But when I’m manic, I’m 100% the person, I wish, I could be all the time.
Everything and everybody is fantastic.
There’s a feeling of love flowing through everything,
and you only want the best for everybody.
You’re open to the opinions of others in a completely different way...
... because you can empathize with other people’s feelings.
The creativity just pumps through your body.
Just like, deliriously happy.
After I have been diagnosed, I’ve taken just one preparation.
I got my life back. My father got his daughter back. I got myself back.
I feel like the person, I want to be again because of those drugs.
Because my emotions are much more normal now.
My name is Trille, and I’m bipolar.