Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
I'd like you to rewind this video and just stare at that title card for a bit longer.
Y'know what? Here it is again, just to save you the time and effort:
I've studied words all my life, read Shakespeare, Chaucer, Bryson, Gerstman... but nothing in
my years of training could've possibly prepared me for the task of describing to you, dear
viewer, the majesty that IS McDonalds Monogatari. Sure, I've covered Kisekae Monogatari, and
Hamster Monogatari, but this time our shift manager and official fry-salter Felicity in
Worcestershire has decided to up the stakes... and by "stakes," I mean pre-processed patties
that I'm led to understand once contained beef or beef byproducts.
In TDK's magnum opus, McDonalds Monogatari... um, you work at a McDonalds. And apparently,
the entirety of McDonalds boils down to five minigames: flipping burgers, stashing fries
in fry vessels, running the register (which involves that most accursed of inventions,
MATH), filling cups, and... this arcane practice of delivering orders directly to customers'
tables. Man. I can't think of the last time I've seen that in practice. You, as Mr. or
Mrs. Protagonist of our story, have recently moved into the creepily-named Happy Town,
home to a beautiful amusement park, marina, and a that bastion of fast food at reasonable
prices, McD... hold on. 65 yen for a hamburger? In year 2000 yen? That's like 60 cents! Scratch
what I said about reasonable. Anyway, your meager existence boils down to... well, visiting
things around town and working at McDonalds, which cost hearts. Because apparently flinging
fries and, y'know, actually enjoying yourself in the context of a rollercoaster take exactly
the same stamina or something. It should be mentioned that you don't actually get PAID
for working at this McDonalds, you just kinda show up and magically change into your uniform
as soon as you walk in the door, and then go up to someone on a station and relieve
them of their duties until you pass or fail at a task. I ranked up once. I leveled up
in a damn McDonalds game, and I have no idea what bearing that had on absolutely anything.
Much like life, even the most joyous moments can be destroyed if you have to immediately
get back on the grill.
So. Outside of talking to people and doing exactly the same five minigames over and over
again, there's... well, that's it. When I said "meager existence" I wasn't kidding.
You've got a PC where you can see which stations your coworkers will be working, and potentially
receive email... that is, if anyone actually wanted to talk to you. Nope, if your phone
goes off it's because your walk just HAS to be interrupted by... dude who can't figure
out the fryer. Economics of the shop, personnel decisions, and the like are completely outside
the scope of this game: You just do five minigames over and over again, for 365 days, until the
game takes pity on you and ends itself. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hug my
nearest fast-food employee. And then complain to myself that they got my burrito wrong.