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X
.
- A COUPLE MORE.
THERE YOU GO. PERFECT.
[camera shutter clicks]
- SOME MIGHT SAY I HAVE IT ALL.
- IT'S A WRAP.
- A PERFECT HUSBAND...
- KIM, MY DEVOTION TO YOU IS ENDLESS.
- A GORGEOUS HOME,
AND THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.
- BEST MOMMY AWARD RIGHT HERE.
WE ALREADY AGREED ON THAT EARLIER TODAY.
- BUT WHEN YOU'RE UP,
PEOPLE JUST WANT TO TEAR YOU DOWN.
- IN CASE YOU FORGOT,
I'M THE ELDER HERE, OKAY?
- SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY "I'M SORRY,"
BECAUSE YOU'RE OLDER THAN ME?
MY MOTHER RUINED MY WEDDING.
- MY SON IS SLEEPING UP HERE,
AND IF YOU WAKE HIM UP, YOU'RE LEAVING.
- F[bleep] YOU.
[baby wailing] - THIS WAY, MA'AM.
- GET HER OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
- COPY THAT.
- MOM HAS MADE A HUGE SCENE,
SO WE'VE ASKED HER TO LEAVE.
- OKAY. - THANKS, DAD.
MY FRIENDS TURNED ON ME.
- ARE YOU REALLY COMMITTED TO OUR FRIENDSHIP?
- YOU LEAVE EARLY EVERY TIME.
- DO NOT LIE ON ME.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M DONE. I'M DONE WITH THIS WHOLE THING.
AND WHAT I THOUGHT WAS MY DREAM HOME...
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
- WE'RE GONNA MOVE.
- TURNED OUT TO BE A NIGHTMARE.
[pounding dramatic music]
BUT GOD ALWAYS HAS A PERFECT PLAN.
OH, THESE INJECTIONS ARE NOT GOOD.
I'M VERY IRRITABLE.
OKAY, NO MORE EATING, HONEY.
IT SMELLS HORRIBLE.
CAN I HAVE A PILLOW BEHIND MY HEAD?
OH, GOD, THAT'S MUCH BETTER.
F[bleep].
I THINK I WAS TRYING TO HOLD MY WIG AND MY HEAD UP
AT THE SAME TIME.
BABE, ARE YOU ALMOST FINISHED... [laughs]
EATING THAT F[bleep] FOOD?
PLEASE, BABE, THAT FOOD SMELLS SO BAD.
- YOU CAN'T EVEN SMELL IT.
- HI.
[baby's heart beating]
- EW. WHAT IS THAT NOISE?
IS THAT THE CHILD?
- OH, MY GOD. SHE'S SO STU--
- THAT WOULD BE YOUR BROTHER.
- THAT WOULD BE YOUR BROTHER.
I WANT YOU GUYS TO GET ME BIBA'S AS SOON AS IT'S OVER.
BABE, LET ME SEE MY PHONE. I'LL TEXT HER WHAT WE WANT.
YOU KNOW I WANT CHEESE RAVIOLI,
SALAD WITH HOUSE DRESSING, NO TOMATO.
ALL RIGHT, HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.
A CANNOLI FILLING.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
- AND A DIET COKE.
OH, THEN GO TO STARBUCKS ACROSS THE STREET.
VENTI CARAMEL MACCHIATO. ADD WHIPPED CREAM.
- NO, THOSE DAYS OF EATING HORRIBLE
ARE NOW OVER.
[chuckles]
- HI.
OKAY, WE'RE GONNA REEXAMINE YOU.
WELL, IF YOU GIRLS WOULD JUST GIVE US A FEW MINUTES.
- OKAY. - OKAY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- SO HOW FAR APART ARE THESE?
- LIKE, THREE TO FOUR MINUTES.
WE'RE JUST NOW GETTING THE PITOCIN ROCKIN',
SO YOU'RE REALLY DOING REALLY GOOD.
- OKAY, WELL, LET'S HAVE THIS BABY.
- START CUSSIN' AND PUSHIN'.
LET'S HAVE A BABY.
- [groans]
S[bleep].
IT--I MEAN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, I FEEL EVERYTHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
HOLY S[bleep].
- YOU'RE DOING GOOD, KIM, OKAY?
YOU'RE DOING REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
- [groans]
BABE.
[machine beeps flatly] - HOLY S[bleep].
[baby wails]
- THERE'S MY LITTLE MAN.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW EASY THAT DELIVERY WAS.
- [gasps] IT LOOKS JUST LIKE ME.
- HE DOES KIND OF LOOK LIKE YOU.
- WHAT WAS IT? FIVE MINUTES?
- YEAH, I PUSHED FOR FIVE MINUTES.
- THAT'S CRAZY.
- I THINK IT IS TOO.
- HI.
- BABE, I'M STARVING.
♪ D-DON'T BE TARDY ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ D-DON'T BE TARDY ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH ♪
K.J., YOU GOT TO HELP ME CLEAN UP YOUR TOYS.
- [groans]
- LET'S HELP ME CLEAN UP.
PUT EVERYTHING IN THE BAG.
COME ON. WE GOT TO CLEAN UP.
- LA-POP. LI-POP.
- YOU WANT A LOLLIPOP FOR CLEANING UP?
- M&M.
- YOU WANT AN M&M? - CHOCOLATE.
- CHOCOLATE.
THIS PLACE WAS SO SMALL
WHEN YOU WERE FIRST BORN AND I BROUGHT YOU HOME HERE,
BUT NOW YOU HAVE A BABY BROTHER.
- BABY BROTHER. - YES.
- I OUTGREW THE TOWN HOUSE WITH THE GIRLS,
NEVER MIND WHEN KROY JOINED ME,
AND THEN NOW WE HAVE TWO BABY BOYS.
I HAVE NANNIES, A HOUSEKEEPER.
I MEAN, THIS IS A LOT.
WE ARE DEFINITELY CRAMPED.
WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS TOWN HOUSE.
IT IS SO CRAMPED.
WE ARE NOT GONNA LIVE LIKE THIS FOR LONG.
- BUH-BYE, TOY.
- BUH-BYE, TOYS.
- OKAY, ANA, WE NEED TO--
WE NEED SOME WAX PAPER.
- WHAT IS THAT? OH.
- DADDY'S TAKING HIS VOLCANO PROJECT VERY SERIOUS
WITH YOUR SISTER.
- MOM, CAN I SEE THE COMPUTER?
- KROY, HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE YOU TONIGHT?
- IT SHOULDN'T TAKE TOO LONG, I DON'T THINK.
- LANA, HE'LL EAT THESE.
- I'M GONNA LOOK FOR A CAR.
- THIS, KROY? - THIS HOUSE IS TOO SMALL.
I'M GONNA LOSE MY MIND.
TWO FAT *** CANNOT FIT IN THE KITCHEN TOGETHER.
- [laughs]
- WE'RE BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER.
MY *** ARE HITTING BRIELLE'S ***.
KROY'S BUTT IS HITTING MY BUTT
IN THE KITCHEN.
*** AND BUTTS NEED MORE SPACE.
- OKAY, SO...
- JUST GOT TO KEEP YOUR HANDS WET,
OTHERWISE IT'LL STICK RIGHT TO YOUR HANDS.
AND THEN YOU JUST COVER THE WHOLE THING.
- THIS IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA.
BRIELLE, YOU COULD BE HELPING YOUR SISTER.
INSTEAD, YOU'RE SHOPPING FOR CARS.
- I HAVE MY OWN HOMEWORK TO DO.
THEN WHY AREN'T YOU DOING IT?
- UH...
- BRIELLE HASN'T BEEN THE BEST STUDENT,
SO MAYBE KROY SHOULD BE HELPING HER
WITH HER HOMEWORK.
WE'RE NEVER GONNA JUST BUY YOU A CAR.
NEVER.
MY PARENTS DIDN'T DO THAT FOR ME.
HIS PARENTS DID THAT FOR HIM
BECAUSE HE HAD A FULL SCHOLARSHIP.
- WHAT IF I GET A SCHOLARSHIP?
- YOU'RE NOT GETTING THAT,
SO LET'S MOVE ALONG.
- UNLESS ALL OF A SUDDEN
YOU CAN WHACK A VOLLEYBALL AT 90 MILES AN HOUR,
THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.
- WAIT, SO IF I FIND A GOOD-- A SPORT I'M GOOD AT,
I CAN GET INTO COLLEGE?
- I'M JUST SAYING, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE--
THE DIRECTION THAT YOU'RE GOING--
THAT YOU'RE GONNA GET A FULL SCHOLARSHIP.
- WHAT IF I CAN AFFORD IT?
BECAUSE I CALCULATED ON A MINIMUM WAGE--
- WHY NOT FIND A JOB WHERE YOU CAN MAKE $15 AN HOUR?
- YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HIGH SCHOOL.
- [imitates buzzer] EH. WRONG.
I MADE $500 TO $750 EACH BRANDING I DID.
- WHAT'S A BRANDING?
- YOU GO OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
AND SPEND THREE DAYS--
WORK YOUR *** OFF FROM SUNUP TO SUNDOWN--
WRESTLING COWS.
- THAT'S F[bleep] RIDICULOUS.
- YOU SMELL LIKE BURNT HAIR.
YOU GOT ANTIBIOTICS ALL OVER YOU
'CAUSE THEY MISSED THE SHOT IN THE COW.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
- ARE YOU CRAZY?
- YOU BURN A LOGO INTO A COW?
- YEAH. - THAT'S BARBARIC.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
- BYE, GUYS. I'M OUT.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- TO DO MY HOMEWORK.
- smooch! smooch!
WHAT'S THIS?
BUS. - BUS.
- DID YOU POP OPEN A BUS?
- YEAH. - BABE.
- I GAVE 'EM TO K.J.
- COME ON. - WE NEED THAT.
- WHAT DO YOU NEED A BUS ON VOLCANO FOR?
- BECAUSE IT'S A ROAD. - OUR ROAD.
- WELL, YOU HAVE A COP CAR, A FIRE TRUCK,
A MOTORCYCLE, AN 18-WHEELER.
- IT'S GONNA GET HIT BY LAVA.
- KROY, YOU JUST WANTED TO PLAY AND BUY TRINKETS.
- IF I START A PROJECT,
WHETHER IT BE A VOLCANO OR A WORKBENCH,
IT HAS TO BE DONE TO MY STANDARDS,
WHICH ARE...
- ABSURD.
- AT LEAST-- NOT PERFECT--
- ABSURD STANDARDS. LIKE, PERFECTION.
HE LOVES HIS SCHOOL BUS, DADDY.
YOU LOVE YOUR SCHOOL BUS?
- HOW'S THAT SO FAR?
- YEAH, LOOKING REAL GOOD.
- IT'S SO DIFFICULT WITH THE FOUR KIDS,
WITH ALL THE NEW BABY S[bleep].
I MEAN, WE'RE LITERALLY ON TOP OF EACH OTHER.
IF THAT VOLCANO EXPLODES,
THE TOYS WON'T BE THE ONLY THING
BURIED UNDER THAT LAVA.
HEY, LITTLE CHUNKER.
DID YOU MISS ME TODAY?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TONIGHT?
YOU WANT TO DESTROY THE VOLCANO?
[laughs]
COMING UP NEXT...
HOW LONG IS THIS HOUSE
GONNA TAKE TO BUILD?
- WE SAID A YEAR.
- OUR CONTRACT SAYS A YEAR, VALERIE?
- LOOK AT OUR VIEW.
THAT IS GOING TO BE OUR VIEW.
- 18TH HOLE.
- THIS IS OUR FIRST BIG PURCHASE.
- I KNOW, AND IT'S GOT EVERYTHING WE WANT.
WE WANTED A FIRST-FLOOR POOL,
DAYLIGHT BASEMENT, A VIEW.
- SIX-CAR GARAGE.
- TONS OF SQUARE FOOTAGE,
WORKOUT ROOMS, THERAPY ROOMS.
- TWO-STORY CLOSET FOR ME.
- IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT.
- OKAY, HERE WE ARE.
THIS IS IT.
THIS IS REALLY MY DREAM HOME.
- I KNOW.
- BABE, ARE WE GONNA GET A F[bleep] DRIVEWAY
IN HERE ANY TIME SOON?
- I WAS JUST SAYING WE NEED SOME NEW GRASS MAYBE, HUH?
- JESUS.
OUR NEW HOME NEEDS A WHOLE LOT OF WORK.
IT'S NEW CONSTRUCTION THAT GOT FORECLOSED ON.
THE GENIUS THING IS
IS THAT WE CAN FINISH IT OURSELVES
AND TURN IT INTO OUR REAL DREAM HOME.
BABE, WE NEED TO CHRISTEN THE HOUSE TODAY.
DO YOU THINK THE BUILDER WILL STEP OUT?
- YEAH, WE-- GIVE US TEN.
- HELLO? - HI.
- HOW ARE YOU GUYS? - HOW ARE YOU DOING?
- VAL, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S OUR HOUSE?
- I KNOW. - HELLO, HELLO.
GOOD TO SEE YOU. - HI, KIM.
GOOD TO SEE YOU. - GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- HOW ABOUT THOSE FALCONS? - I KNOW, HUH?
- HOW ABOUT 'EM? - HOW ABOUT 'EM?
- WELL, WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS,
WE'RE GONNA WALK THROUGH, AND YOU GUYS--
WE'RE GONNA GO OVER EVERYTHING THAT WE TALKED ABOUT.
- OKAY.
- OKAY, LET'S START AT THE FRONT DOOR.
- THIS HOUSE IS A BEAST.
OUR LAST HOUSE WAS A USED HOME,
AND KROY AND I JUST DO NOT DO WELL
IN OTHER PEOPLE'S ENERGY.
PLUS I DON'T WANT TO SIT MY *** ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S TOILET SEAT.
I WANT THE WHOLE FIRST FLOOR TO BE STONE.
- OKAY.
I MEAN, THE HOUSE IN ROSWELL
HAD A LOT OF HARDWOOD.
- AND YOU LIKE THAT.
I WANT THAT SAME HOUSE
THAT YOU BUILT IN ROSWELL OVER HERE.
- WE JUST NEED TO MOVE IT. - YEAH, RIGHT.
HARDY BUILD THE HOUSE THAT WE RENTED IN ROSWELL.
WE LOVED THE ROSWELL HOUSE.
WE WANT A LOT OF THE THINGS THAT THAT ROSWELL HOUSE HAD,
SO WHY NOT HIRE HIM?
HE'S GREAT.
HARDY, HOW LONG IS THIS HOUSE
GONNA TAKE TO BUILD?
'CAUSE WE HAVE REALLY OUTGROWN OUR TOWN HOUSE.
- I BET YOU HAVE.
WE SAID A YEAR.
WE SAID A YEAR,
AND THAT'S WHAT OUR CONTRACT SAYS.
- OUR CONTRACT SAYS A YEAR, VALERIE?
- 12 MONTHS.
- HELL NO, I CAN'T STAY ANOTHER YEAR IN THIS TOWN HOUSE.
TWO ADULTS, FOUR KIDS,
ALL THE STAFF, AND 60 WIGS.
- BUT I'M SAYING NINE MONTHS.
JUST LIKE A BABY.
I MEAN, IT GOES JUST LIKE THAT.
REMEMBER? YOU JUST HAD ONE.
[snaps fingers]
- NO, IT DIDN'T GO LIKE THAT,
AND I HAD HIM THREE WEEKS EARLY,
SO IT WAS MORE LIKE EIGHT MONTHS AND ONE WEEK.
- THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT WE'LL DO.
- WELL, WE NEED TO GET TO BUILDING, SO COME ON.
WELL, LET'S GO LOOK AT THE POOL REAL QUICK
SINCE I'LL BE SWIMMING IN IT, AND THE HOUSE WON'T BE FINISHED.
EIGHT MONTHS AND ONE WEEK, I'M MOVING IN.
WHETHER IT'S FINISHED OR NOT,
THE BIERMANNS ARE COMIN'.
SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE POOL.
- LET'S DO.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- I DON'T LIKE BLUE ANYTHING INSIDE OF A POOL.
- WHAT COLOR DO YOU LIKE?
- I LIKE IT TO LOOK BLUE, BUT I LIKE BLACK.
AND IF WE DID IT IN BLACK,
DOES THE POOL STILL LOOK BLUE?
- NO, IT LOOKS BLACK.
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE BLUE?
- WHAT ABOUT RED? - SO YOU'RE JUMPING INTO BLOOD?
- OH, S[bleep]. - THAT'S WHAT IT'LL LOOK LIKE.
- OH, GOD.
OKAY, SO WE'LL DO BLUE,
BUT I WANT BLACK TILE AROUND THE TOP.
THE BIGGEST PROJECT IN THE HOUSE IS EVERYTHING.
I'M BUILDING IT OUT, AND I'M DECORATING.
THAT'S A LOT OF DAMN WORK.
- THE RAILING THAT GOES AROUND HERE
COULD BE SIMPLE... - NO, HARDY.
- OR IT COULD BE REAL ORNATE.
- EVERYTHING THAT I LIKE IS ALWAYS CUSTOM,
LIKE, WHERE THEY COME OUT AND DO IT ON-SITE.
- I KNOW. - YOU KNOW?
- I MEAN, I HAVE A FEELING THAT'S WHAT YOU LIKE.
[laughter]
BUT I MEAN, THERE'S A PRICE TO PAY.
AND I MEAN, THAT'S FINE.
- LIKE, HOW-- LIKE, JUST TELL ME--
- I'VE SEEN PEOPLE SPEND $1/4 MILLION
ON IRON ON STAIRS.
- OH, GOD, BABE.
THAT RAILING'S GONNA COST A LOT OF MONEY.
THIS HOUSE IS GONNA COST US
A FEW MILLION DOLLARS.
HI. - HEY.
- OKAY, THIS IS J.D. ORTEGA.
- HI. KIM BIERMANN.
- NICE TO MEET YOU. - YEAH.
- [sighs]
WELL, WE'VE GOT A LITTLE SITUATION HERE
WE NEED TO DEAL WITH.
UM...
YOU'VE GOT BLACK MOLD.
IT'S NOT-- IT'S NOT A REAL HEALTHY THING.
- ARE OKAY TO BE STANDING HERE BREATHING?
- WELL, I WOULDN'T LICK IT.
I WOULDN'T GET RIGHT UP ON IT, YOU KNOW?
BUT IT'S--ONCE IT GETS A LOT OF MOISTURE,
IT BECOMES A PROBLEM.
- REALLY?
I GOT ENOUGH S[bleep] TO DO
IN THIS F[bleep] HOUSE.
WELL, WE HAVE TWO LITTLE BABY BOYS.
- IT'S VERY CRITICAL THAT YOU GET IT TAKEN CARE OF RIGHT.
- I NEED TO MAKE SURE.
- WE'RE GONNA SEAL THIS WHOLE AREA OFF
FROM THE REST OF THE HOUSE
'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA TEAR INTO THIS.
- YOU'RE GONNA DO WHAT?
- YEAH, I'M SORRY.
- YOU'RE GONNA CUT MY CEILING?
- I'M GONNA HAVE TO CUT YOUR CEILING.
- TO GET IT OUT? - YES.
- THIS HOUSE IS A MONEY PIT.
- NOBODY'S GONNA BE ALLOWED IN HERE
UNLESS YOU HAVE A RESPIRATOR.
- SO I'M NOT ALLOWED IN MY OWN HOME.
NOW THAT I OWN IT AND PUT ALL THIS MONEY DOWN ON THIS BEAST
I CANNOT COME IN THE HOUSE?
- IT'S MY HOUSE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
- GETTING RID OF THE MOLD ENTAILS
RIPPING OUT SHEETROCK.
- TAKING OUT WOOD,
MAKING DISASTROUS HOLES.
IT'S GONNA TAKE WEEKS.
OKAY. - WE'LL GET YOU TAKEN CARE OF.
- WE GOT A LOT OF WORK, BABE. - YEP.
- SHUN, LOOK AT THIS F[bleep] MESS.
I WILL KILL SOMEBODY IF MY NEW HOUSE LOOKS LIKE THIS.
LET'S GET IN OUR ZONE, 'CAUSE WE HAVE S[bleep] TO DO.
WE PUT ALL OF OUR S[bleep] IN STORAGE.
WE BROUGHT ENOUGH CLOTHES AND ENOUGH STUFF
TO GET US THROUGH THREE MONTHS.
THAT DIDN'T GO SO WELL, AND...
I MEAN, S[bleep] IS JUST EVERYWHERE,
SO SHUN CAME OVER TO JUST HELP ME
MAKE THIS HOUSE MANAGEABLE AND LIVABLE
SO I CAN GET THROUGH THE NEXT EIGHT MONTHS.
- EVERYTHING LOOKS A MESS.
- IT'S REALLY GOT ME STRESSED.
- I KNOW. YOU SHOULD BE.
- YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL ME THAT.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.
- [chuckles] WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
- [sighs]
- I'M USED TO DEALING WITH A MESS
AND ORGANIZING CLOSETS,
BUT THIS IS JUST, LIKE,
CRAZY.
- OKAY.
I WAS GOING TO GET RID OF SOME SWEATPANTS
THAT LOOKED DINGY.
AND I BOUGHT A BUNCH OF NEW SWEATPANTS.
- MORE? - YEAH.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.
LET'S JUST ORGANIZE ONE SHELF
FOR MY SWEATPANTS.
- I HATE YOUR SWEATPANTS.
- I KNOW, BUT LOOK AT ALL THESE SWEATPANTS.
- YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT ANY MORE. - I KNOW, BUT--
- IT'S TIME TO WEAR YOUR CLOTHES.
- I F[bleep] LOVE SWEATPANTS.
I STARTED WEARING 'EM WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH K.J.,
AND I REALLY HAVEN'T TAKEN 'EM OFF.
LOOK AT THIS HOT PINK COLOR.
I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD THESE.
- IT LOOKS PRETTY CLOSE
TO THE OTHER THREE PAIR OF HOT PINK.
THAT IS SO NOT SEXY. THAT AIN'T RIGHT.
- I WEAR IT TO BED.
- YOU'RE A NEW BRIDE,
AND YOU WEAR THIS?
YOU MIGHT AS WELL PUT ON BIG GRANDMA *** WITH 'EM.
- [laughs]
- THAT'S HORRIBLE.
- THESE LOOK REALLY OLD.
- DONATE. - OKAY.
- YOU JUST ALWAYS TRY TO GET RID OF MY S[bleep].
- NO, 'CAUSE YOU'RE A HOARDER.
- I DON'T HOARD.
I'M NOT A HOARDER.
I JUST BUY A LOT OF S[bleep].
WHERE'D MY COFFEE GO?
I CAN'T WITH THIS S[bleep] ON.
- WHAT IS ALL THIS? WHAT--
- THOSE ARE OLD PREGNANCY TESTS.
DON'T GET EXCITED.
THOSE ARE FROM KASH.
I DIDN'T BELIEVE I WAS PREGNANT.
- YOU PEED ON ALL THESE STICKS? - YEAH.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE I WAS PREGNANT.
AS SOON AS WE GOT MARRIED, IT WAS GAME ON.
WE WERE READY TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD.
BUT JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH,
JUST IN THREE WEEKS I GOT PREGNANT?
- KIM, THIS AIN'T RIGHT.
- WOULD YOU OPEN THAT BOX
AND THINK YOU'D FIND PREGNANCY TESTS IN THERE?
- NO.
WHO SAVES 40 PREGNANCY TESTS?
LIKE, WHO DOES THAT BESIDES A HOARDER?
- YEAH, SO I HID 'EM IN THERE
BECAUSE IF ONE OF MY F[bleep] HOUSEKEEPERS FOUND OUT
AND TOLD HER FRIEND, AND HER FRIEND TOLD HER FRIEND,
THEN THE WHOLE WORLD WOULD HAVE KNOWN.
THAT'S TO TELL ME IF IT WAS A BOY OR A GIRL.
IT LIED. IT SAID IT WAS A GIRL.
SO WE CAN THROW THAT OUT.
- DID ANYTHING POP UP NEGATIVE?
- NO. - [chuckles]
- I TOOK A GOOD 40 TESTS BEFORE I WAS LIKE,
"WELL, DAMN, YOU REALLY ARE PREGNANT."
- I'M SPEECHLESS. I JUST--
[laughs]
- BUT THAT'S THE S[bleep] I'M TALKING ABOUT.
IT'S JUST SITTING THERE ON MY BED.
I TOOK IT OFF THE FLOOR
AND PUT IT UP THERE THIS MORNING.
- THIS IS TOO MUCH.
- COULD YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?
- NO.
WILL YOU GO GET A BOTTLE OF WINE?
'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA BE HERE ALL NIGHT.
- COMING UP NEXT...
- WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO ACHIEVE?
- MONEY.
MONEY, KROY, AND F[bleep] FAME.
AND ALL SHE HAS EVER CARED ABOUT MY ENTIRE LIFE
HAS BEEN THE ALMIGHTY F[bleep] DOLLAR.
- THIS IS ALL-NATURAL FOOD.
HERE, CAN YOU STOP HORSING AROUND?
- WHO LIKES NATURAL FOOD?
- PUBLIX WAS CLOSED,
SO WE FIGURED WE'D TRY THIS ORGANIC FOOD STORE.
- DAIRY-FREE MAC AND CHEESE?
HOW DO YOU EAT THAT?
- THERE'S WATER IN THE PEANUT BUTTER.
- THAT MEANS IT'S NATURAL
AND NOT WHAT WE EAT AT HOME.
- PEANUT-FREE?
- YEAH, SOME PEOPLE ARE ALLERGIC TO THEM.
- THEY CAN'T HAVE PEANUT BUTTER?
- NO. - OH, MY GOD.
I FEEL SO BAD FOR THEM.
- THESE ARE ORGANIC ENERGY SHOTS?
THIS STORE'S PRETTY COOL, MAN.
WE MIGHT CHANGE TO AN ALL-NATURAL DIET.
- NO. WH--
YEAH, RIGHT. COME ON.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU REALLY CHANGE YOUR MIND.
OKAY, COME ON.
- LET'S GET COCONUT WATER
'CAUSE IT MAKES YOUR *** GROW AND YOUR BUTT, YOU GUYS.
I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THAT IS TO YOU.
- I THINK THIS IS THE QUIETEST THE HOUSE HAS BEEN
IN EIGHT WEEKS.
K.J. IS KNOCKED OUT.
- HE HAD A LONG DAY.
- YEAH, AND KASH.
- AND WE'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH
WITH A GLASS OF WINE IN A SOLO CUP.
- LOVE IT.
- YOU USED TO PLAY WITH MY HAIR,
BUT NOW YOU'RE SO TIRED WITH THE BABIES AND...
- YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT.
THAT'S SUCH A LIE.
- YOU'RE SNORING, AND...
YOU FART.
- [laughs] NO, I DON'T.
- [laughs]
- I DON'T FART IN MY SLEEP.
- [laughs]
BUT I FEEL IT. - NO, YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR.
- YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "OH."
AND THEN THERE IT IS.
- [laughs] YOU'RE SO FULL OF...
- I'D BE LIKE, "WHAT IS THAT?"
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE F[bleep] I DO IN MY SLEEP.
IT MUST NOT BE THAT BAD. HE MARRIED ME.
[cell phone ringtone playing]
OH, GOD. THIS IS JACK.
HEY, HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- OH, MY GOD.
- OH, F[bleep].
- I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO MY PARENTS SINCE OUR WEDDING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT, KROY?
- YOU'RE NOT AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.
- F[bleep] YOU.
- KAREN... - MOM.
- YOU'RE LEAVING. - F[bleep] YOU.
- GET HER OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
- COPY THAT.
- THEY HAVE NOT CALLED ME,
NOT TEXTED ME, NOTHING,
AND THEN NOW YOU'RE DOING A TELL-ALL BOOK
AND SAYING ALL THESE DEROGATORY THINGS ABOUT ME?
THAT'S UN-F[bleep]-BELIEVABLE, JACK.
- ALL RIGHT. BYE-BYE.
BYE-BYE.
BABE, SERIOUSLY?
WHO SAYS DUMB S[bleep] ABOUT THEIR OWN DAUGHTER LIKE THAT?
THIS STORY'S, LIKE, A NIGHTMARE TO ME.
I BASICALLY HAVE HID NOTHING FROM ANYBODY.
I WAS A NURSE. I WAITED TABLES.
IT'S NOT ALL THAT F[bleep] EXCITING.
IF I HAD TO STRIP TO FEED MY GIRLS,
YOU BET YOUR *** I WOULD DO IT.
BUT I HAVE NEVER BEEN A STRIPPER.
- WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO ACHIEVE?
- MONEY.
MONEY, KROY, AND F[bleep] FAME.
AND ALL SHE HAS EVER CARED ABOUT MY ENTIRE LIFE
HAS BEEN THE ALMIGHTY F[bleep] DOLLAR.
- THERE'S NO AMOUNT OF MONEY WORTH
SELLING YOUR F[bleep] SOUL TO THE DEVIL.
- SHE USED THIS REASON
TO CATAPULT HERSELF IN THE PRESS.
I NEED SOME MORE WINE.
AND THEN EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IS PUBLIC.
IT'S SO EMBARRASSING.
AND TO SAY I'M A STRIPPER
AND THEN PLANT THAT SEED IN SOMEBODY'S MIND,
ESPECIALLY THESE GIRLS, IS PRETTY GROSS.
- THEN WE GOT TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE A TALK
AND TELL 'EM,
"YOUR GRANDMA IS JUST NOT FEELING VERY WELL.
SHE'S LOST HER MIND."
- I'M REALLY NERVOUS AS TO WHAT SHE COULD POSSIBLY SAY
OR WRITE IN HER BOOK
TO MAKE IT JUICY TO SELL IT AND MAKE MONEY.
- IS A F[bleep] FUR COAT WORTH THAT TO YOU?
LIKE, THAT'S F[bleep] TWISTED!
- TO HUMILIATE ME AND TRY TO DAMAGE ME
IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.
SHE WILL DO IT AT ANY EXPENSE.
THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT THE TELL-ALL IS GONNA SAY.
THIS SEASON ON DON'T BE TARDY...
- READY! all: TEAM!
- MY BIG *** FIT IN THIS MOTHER.
OH, MY GOD!
[people cheering]
K.J., SAY, "TOUCHDOWN!"
- DA!
- [laughs]
WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING?
FLINGING HER HAIR?
LIKE, THIS IS NOT A COMMERCIAL.
WAIT, WE CAN'T MESS UP THE BOW.
I DON'T WANT MY WIG GETTING MOLD IN IT.
HOW DO YOU GET PREGNANT IF YOU GO IN THE REAR?
- NO, YOU HIT IT FROM BEHIND.
- WE'D LIKE A LITTLE GIRL. - HOW DO WE GUARANTEE THAT?
- YOU JUST WAVE A BUNCH OF CREDIT CARDS AROUND YOUR BALLS,
AND THE GIRL *** ARE GONNA COME TO THE SURFACE FOR THAT.
[both laugh]
- YOU SHOULD DO THE DANCE
THAT KROY DID WHEN YOU FIRST SAW HIM.
- [laughing] OH, I CAN'T TAKE IT.
- WAIT! WE GOT TO BE SERIOUS.
[laughs]
- YAY! - YEAH, K.J.!
WE GOT THIS. [yells]
- LOOK AT MAMA.
- MOM, YOU LOOK SO HOT.
- [muffled] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
AMEN. R-R-R-R-R!
HAVE A BLAST. - HAVE FUN.
- I WANT TO GO IN THERE AND JUST SPY ON THEM.
SHE'S DOUBLE-DIPPING.
THAT IS NOT APPROPRIATE.
OH, MY GOD. DUCK YOUR HEAD.
DUCK YOUR-- [bleep].
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
COME ON, BABY! GO!
OH, YOU MOTHER[bleep]!
MY MOM, SHE'S TAKING ME TO COURT.
- WHAT DID YOU EVER DO TO YOUR MOTHER?
- I ALWAYS SAID, "DON'T F[bleep] WITH MY KIDS,
MY MAN, OR MY MONEY,"
AND MY PARENTS ARE F[bleep] WITH ALL THREE.
YOU EXPECT ME TO BE QUIET,
THEN YOU BETTER BRING ME A F[bleep] MUZZLE.
- THEY CAN ARREST YOU FOR DISORDERLY CONDUCT--
- THEY CAN? "F[bleep] YOU" IS NOT AN OPTION?
- YOU'RE IN HANDCUFFS.
- I GOT SOME SURPRISES FOR YOU TOO.
- WELL, DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT.
- BUT I CAN'T,
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GOT GOING ON.
- WHAT IN THE HELL?
MY HUSBAND'S PLAYING IN 20 MINUTES!
[horn honks]
- [crying] WE NEVER TALK TO YOU ANYMORE.
- I HAVE MADE SOME MISTAKES SINCE I'VE HAD THESE BOYS.
- WHERE DID YOU FORGET THE ROLES OF A PARENT?
LIKE, AT WHAT POINT DID YOU JUST
THROW THOSE OUT THE WINDOW?
- ARE YOU F[bleep] KIDDING ME?
FOR MORE DON'T BE TARDY, GO TO BRAVOTV.COM.