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HELLO?
(man) YES, SIR?
HELLO?
SIR, HOW DO YOU DO?
ANYBODY?
ANYBODY HERE?
(speaking indistinctly)
I KNOW YOU'RE HERE SOMEWHERE.
I CAN HEAR YOU TALKING.
(speaking indistinctly)
HELLO?
(speaking indistinctly)
(man) WHAT DO YOU WANT?
REFILL?
A WHAT?
YEAH, COULD YOU FILL IT UP?
CRACKERS?
YEAH, AND I'D LIKE THE ONES WITH THE LITTLE SEEDS ON TOP.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?
HOLD ON. HEY, SID! COME CHECK THIS NUMSKULL OUT.
WHAT? I'M WITH A CUSTOMER.
AND LOOK WHAT HE BROUGHT US.
CRACKERS--YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME.
THIS IS THE WORST STEREOTYPING EVER.
YOU ARE ELVES.
YEAH, SO?
YOU LIVE IN A TREE.
OH, AND SO IT LOGICALLY FOLLOWS THAT WE BAKE CRACKERS?
IS THAT IT, MONKEY BOY?
WELL, IF YOU DON'T BAKE, WHAT DO YOU DO?
TECH SUPPORT.
TECH SUPPORT. NOW BEAT IT.
SCRAM.
CHECK THAT TREE OVER THERE.
IT'S A CRYIN' SHAME SO MANY AMERICANS
DON'T KNOW WHERE BASIC FOODS COME FROM.
TAKE CRACKERS.
FEW EDIBLES HAVE AS RICH A HISTORY OR ARE AS EASY TO MAKE
OR ARE AS SATISFYING TO MUNCH,
YET, THE AVERAGE JOE WOULD NOT FOR ONE NANOSECOND
CONSIDER BUSTING OUT A BATCH FROM SCRATCH.
TOO BAD, TOO, 'CAUSE HOMEMADE CRACKERS ARE...
♪♪
♪ GOOD EATS ♪
Closed Captions provided by Scripps Networks, LLC.
Captioned by Closed Captioning Services, Inc.
(Alton) A FEW HUNDRED YEARS AGO, A HARD CRACKER-LIKE BREAD
CALLED HARDTACK WAS THE STANDARD KIBBLE
FOR SAILORS AND FIGHTING MEN WORLDWIDE.
HARDTACK WAS BAKED TWICE
IN A PROCESS THE FRENCH CALLED BIS-CUIT,
WHICH IS WHERE THE ENGLISH LATER GOT THE WORD BISCUIT.
ANYWAY, THE DRYING MADE HARDTACK IMPERVIOUS TO SPOILAGE
AND ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO EAT WITHOUT BREAKING TEETH.
THEN IN 1801, A SHIP'S COOK NAMED JOSIAH BENT
CONCOCTED A THINNER, MORE DELICATE VERSION OF HARDTACK
CALLED WATER CRACKER.
BEFORE LONG, BARRELFULS OF THESE CRACKERS
WERE BEING SHIPPED TO GENERAL STORES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.
THESE BARRELS ATTRACTED RATS, IDLE GOSSIP
AND CRACKER BARREL PHILOSOPHERS.
NATURAL SCIENCE CONTAINS IN ITSELF SYNTHETICAL JUDGMENTS,
A PRIORI AS PRINCIPLES.
YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
CAN'T.
LATER IN 1898, THE FIRST MODERN AMERICAN FOOD COMPANY WAS BORN.
NABISCO NOT ONLY INVENTED
NATIONAL DISTRIBUTION AND MARKETING,
THEY ACTUALLY FIGURED OUT A WAY TO PACKAGE THEIR CRACKERS
IN FRESHNESS-FRIENDLY WAX PAPER-LINED CARDBOARD BOXES,
WHICH KEPT IDLE GOSSIP AND PESKY RODENTS AT BAY.
MANY OF THE CRACKING GOOD INNOVATIONS
OF THE INDUSTRIAL BAKING AGE ARE WITH US TO THIS DAY.
WE STILL HAVE THE WATER CRACKER
WITH ITS SIMPLE FLAVOR AND STRAIGHTFORWARD TEXTURE.
WE HAVE THE SODA CRACKER, OR SALTINE,
WHICH IS ACTUALLY LEAVENED WITH YEAST.
THE SODA IS SIMPLY THERE TO COUNTERACT THE ACIDS FORMED
DURING FERMENTATION.
THEN WE HAVE THE CREAM CRACKER,
WHICH CONTAINS A GOOD AMOUNT OF FAT BUT NO CREAM.
THE NAME ACTUALLY COMES FROM THE METHOD OF ASSEMBLY
FOR THE DOUGH, THE CREAMING METHOD.
THERE ARE PUFFY OYSTER AND COMMON CRACKERS,
HEARTY GRAHAM CRACKERS-- MORE ON THOSE LATER--
ANIMAL CRACKERS,
WHICH, SINCE THEY CONTAIN A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF SUGAR,
ACTUALLY QUALIFY MORE AS COOKIES.
AND, AH, HERE'S A NICE, RUSTIC, SEEDY,
CRISP TABLE CRACKER.
MMM. (gobbles)
MMM. NO, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL MAKE MORE. (laughs)
IN A MEDIUM BOWL, COMBINE 5 OUNCES OF WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR,
4 3/4 OUNCES OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR
AND 1/3 OF A CUP EACH
OF SESAME AND POPPY SEEDS.
NOW NOT ONLY WILL THESE SEEDS ADD SUBTLE NUTTY FLAVORS,
THEY'LL BRING A FAIR AMOUNT OF NUTRITION TO THE PARTY.
SESAME SEEDS, FOR INSTANCE, ARE A GREAT SOURCE
OF MANGANESE, COPPER, CALCIUM,
MAGNESIUM, IRON, PHOSPHORUS,
VITAMIN B1, ZINC AND DIETARY FIBER.
POPPIES TASTE GREAT,
AND THEY HAVE CALCIUM IN THEM, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
BECAUSE DESPITE WHAT YOU'VE READ ONLINE,
THEY WILL NOT CAUSE YOU TO FAIL A WORKPLACE DRUG TEST.
TRUST ME. IN THEY GO.
ALL RIGHT, NEXT 1 1/2 TEASPOONS OF PLAIN OLD TABLE SALT
AND 1 1/2 TEASPOONS
OF ALUMINUM-FREE BAKING POWDER.
LET'S LOOK INTO THAT ONE.
BASIC OR SINGLE-ACTION BAKING POWDERS
ARE SIMPLY A MIXTURE OF 1 PART BAKING SODA
AND 2 PARTS CREAM OF TARTAR,
AN ACIDIC CRYSTAL HARVESTED FROM INSIDE RED WINE BARRELS.
NOW WHEN IT COMES INTO CONTACT WITH WATER
THE DISSOLVED ACID BASE REACT RELEASING CARBON DIOXIDE,
THUS LEAVENING.
NOW BY ADDING ALUMINUM,
SODIUM ALUMINUM SULFATE TO BE EXACT,
THE REACTION IS SLOWED
SO THAT MUCH OF THE GAS IS RELEASED
ONLY WHEN THE DOUGH GETS GOOD AND HOT.
THE PROBLEM IS ALUMINUM IS BITTER.
NOW THIS DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHEN STRONG FLAVORS LIKE,
SAY, CHOCOLATE ARE THE CENTER OF THE PARTY,
BUT IN THE SUBTLE FLAVOR LANDSCAPE OF THE CRACKER,
ALUMINUM STANDS OUT IN A BIG WAY.
UP, BLOCK.
NOW ALTHOUGH THEY DON'T PUMP OUT AS MUCH CO2,
BAKING POWDERS UTILIZING NEUTRALLY FLAVORED
CALCIUM ACID PHOSPHATE
ARE THE WAY TO GO IN THIS CASE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
GET THE BOX AND READ THE INGREDIENTS.
OKAY, SO THE BAKING POWDER GOES IN,
AND JUST STIR TO COMBINE WITH CLEAN FINGERS.
THEY'RE THE BEST TOOLS YOU'VE GOT.
THEN ADD 3 TABLESPOONS OF OLIVE OIL AND STIR IN.
NOW THE REASON FOR THIS IS THAT WE BASICALLY WANT TO COAT
SOME OF THE FLOUR PARTICLES
SO THAT WHEN WE ADD THE WATER AND STIR,
WE WON'T CREATE TOO MUCH GLUTEN.
THAT WILL TOUGHEN UP THE CRACKER.
WE WANT IT TO BE CRISP, YES, BUT WE DON'T WANT ROCK-HARD.
SO THIS IS GONNA HELP LUBRICATE THE SITUATION.
NOW 6 1/2 OUNCES OF WATER
AND STIR TO COMBINE.
IT'S JUST ENOUGH TO COME TOGETHER
INTO AN ACTUAL DOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL MOVE THIS STUFF OUT OF THE WAY,
GET SOME FLOUR,
AND WE'LL GET THIS TURNED OUT.
THERE.
WE'LL JUST TURN OUT THE DOUGH
AND KNEAD A FEW TIMES.
NOW WE'RE NOT TRYING TO CREATE, YOU KNOW, A PIZZA DOUGH HERE.
JUST KNEAD IT LONG ENOUGH
TO MAKE SURE THAT ALL OF THE INGREDIENTS
ARE THOROUGHLY COMBINED.
THERE, THAT LOOKS GOOD AND KIND OF HOMOGENIZED.
SO NOW JUST GRAB YOUR DOUGH BLADE
AND SECTION THIS UP
INTO EIGHT EQUAL PIECES.
THERE, THAT LOOKS GOOD.
AND COVER WITH A TEA TOWEL
FOR, OH, WE'LL SAY 15 TO 20 MINUTES.
THAT WILL ALLOW TIME FOR THE DOUGH TO FULLY HYDRATE.
♪♪
ALL RIGHT, OUR CRACKER QUEST CONTINUES
BY CRANKING THE HOT BOX
TO 450 DEGREES.
NOW TIME TO ROLL.
OF COURSE, I'M PERFECTLY AWARE
THAT THIS DOESN'T LOOK MUCH LIKE A CRACKER.
WE REALLY DO NEED TO ROLL THIS OUT.
NOW YOU COULD DO THIS THE OLD-SCHOOL WAY
WITH A ROLLING PIN,
BUT WITH ALL THESE SEEDS, IT'S A LOT OF WORK,
WHICH IS WHY I LIKE TO USE MY STAND MIXER.
HOW DOES A STAND MIXER ROLL OUT DOUGH?
WELL, IT'S EASY IF YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THESE.
THIS IS JUST A PASTA ROLLER ATTACHMENT
AVAILABLE FROM MOST STAND MIXERS THESE DAYS.
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE,
YOU CAN JUST USE A MANUAL PASTA ROLLER.
THAT'LL BE FINE.
SO WE'VE GOT THIS ALL GEARED UP,
AND I'VE GOT IT SET TO ITS WIDEST SETTING.
WE'LL TURN IT ON THE LOW SPEED,
JUST FLATTEN THIS DISC OUT A BIT
AND RUN IT THROUGH NICE AND SLOW.
I'LL TIGHTEN DOWN ONE SETTING. GO AGAIN.
AND TIGHTEN DOWN ANOTHER.
REMEMBER, OUR GOAL IS ABOUT AN 1/8 OF AN INCH.
AND I'M GONNA GO ONE MORE.
AND RIGHT ONTO A WAITING SHEET PAN.
THERE WE GO. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THOSE ENDS.
WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA TRIM THOSE OFF ANYWAY.
SO REPEAT WITH YOUR SECOND PIECE OF DOUGH.
AND NOTICE, I'VE GOT SOME PARCHMENT PAPER DOWN THERE.
NOW FOR THE TRIMMING,
WE WILL REACH FOR OUR FAVORITE MULTITASKER,
OR ONE OF THEM AT LEAST, THE PIZZA ROLLER,
WHICH MAKES QUICK WORK OF THIS.
YOU CAN DIVIDE THE CRACKERS UP HOWEVER YOU LIKE.
I USUALLY TRY TO GO WITH SOMETHING
THAT'S KIND OF 2x2 INCHES, APPROXIMATELY.
ALL RIGHT, BAKE YOUR CRACKERS
FOR 8 TO 12 MINUTES
OR UNTIL THEY'RE BROWN.
NOW THE TIME IS ULTIMATELY GOING TO BE DETERMINED
BY THE THICKNESS OF YOUR CRACKERS.
THESE ARE GONNA BE CLOSER TO THE 8-MINUTE STAGE,
UNLESS I STAND AROUND WITH THE DOOR OPEN ALL DAY.
AH, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR.
NOW I'LL REMOVE THESE TO A RACK AND COOL THOROUGHLY.
HA HA HA HA.
AHH.
ONCE THE STARCH IS FULLY SET, YOU ARE FREE TO CONSUME.
NOW IF YOU DECIDE TO BAKE SOME OF YOUR CRACKERS IN SHEETS,
RATHER THAN SCORING THEM OR CUTTING THEM UP,
YOU CAN CERTAINLY BREAK THEM INTO PIECES AT THIS TIME.
NOW AS FAR AS STORAGE GOES,
YOUR BEST BET IS A BIG ZIP-TOP BAG
WITH AS MUCH OF THE AIR SUCKED OUT AS POSSIBLE.
THIS WILL KEEP 'EM FRESH FOR AT LEAST TWO WEEKS.
OF COURSE, IF THEY GET A LITTLE BIT STALE,
YOU CAN ALWAYS DRY THEM OUT IN A NICE WARM OVEN.
(crunching)
THAT'S A GOOD CRACKER.
♪♪
NO SHOW ON CRACKERS COULD BE COMPLETE
WITHOUT THAT MANNA OF THE KINDERGARTEN CROWD,
THE GRAHAM CRACKER.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT WAS ACTUALLY NAMED AFTER
A FORMER PRESBYTERIAN PREACHER
TURNED VICTORIAN TEMPERANCE LECTURER
AND SELF-PROCLAIMED DIETETIC EXPERT--
SYLVESTER W. GRAHAM!
(applause)
THANK YOU FOR COMING, SIR.
MM-HMM.
NOW REVEREND GRAHAM, UM, YOU WERE ADVOCATING A HEALTHY DIET
BASED ON WHOLE GRAINS, FRUITS AND VEGETABLES
BACK IN THE EARLY 1800s
LONG BEFORE THE NUTRITIONAL VALUE OF SUCH DIETS
WERE UNDERSTOOD, RIGHT?
WELL, MR. BROWN, I'M HAPPY TO SAY
THAT MY BREAD AND CRACKER RECIPES HAVE BEEN INSTRUMENTAL
IN OVERTHROWING THE DIETARY HABITS WHICH LEAD TO ***.
UH, I-I'M SORRY?
***!
AN UNWHOLESOME DIET IRRITATES THE BODY,
AND THE RESULT OF THAT IRRITATION
IS, WELL, YOU KNOW.
UM, NO. I-I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
OF COURSE, I AM DISAPPOINTED THAT MORE PEOPLE
HAVE NOT FOLLOWED MY ADVOCACY
FOR REDUCED GUSTATORY STIMULATION.
I UNDERSTAND THAT ONE CAN TURN ON THIS TALKING PICTURE BOX
YOU ALL SEEM SO ENAMORED WITH
AND WATCH PEOPLE PREPARE DECADENT, SUCCULENT,
OVER-STIMULATING CUISINE
ANY TIME OF THE DAY.
WELL, I-I WOULDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.
AND YOU SEEM DETERMINED ON DESTROYING YOURSELVES
WITH CONDIMENTS, AS WELL.
OH, I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.
KETCHUP, FOR INSTANCE--
AND THE MUSTARD AND THE SPICES.
THEY CAUSE INSANITY, YOU KNOW.
UM, UM, MR. GRAHAM,
MAYBE--MAYBE YOU COULD ENLIGHTEN US ABOUT YOUR CRACKER...
OH.
YOUR CRACKERS.
VERY WELL.
I INVENTED MY CRACKER IN NEW JERSEY IN 1822,
AN EXCELLENT AND VERSATILE SNACK
AND AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE GRAHAM DIET,
A CRITICAL TOOL IN THE CONSTANT BATTLE
AGAINST THE ACHING SENSIBILITIES.
THE ACHING SENSE-- OH. UM, YES.
WELL, ACTUALLY I WAS THINKING
THAT I MIGHT TRY TO MAKE A BATCH MYSELF.
OH!
WELL, THEN YOU'LL BE NEEDING THIS GRAHAM FLOUR.
OH.
A SPECIAL FORMULA BASED UPON
THE USE OF UNSIFTED COARSE GROUND WHEAT.
NOW I MUST TAKE MY LEAVE.
I AM CONDUCTING A SYMPOSIUM ON VEGETARIANISM
AND CORSETS AT THE TEMPERANCE SOCIETY.
WELL--WELL, THEN THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FUN-LOVING SYLVESTER GRAHAM.
(applause)
EAT MORE BLAND FOOD!
YEAH.
YEAH, WE'LL DO THAT.
♪♪
IF YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT GRAHAM FLOUR,
JUST BREAK OUT YOUR KITCHEN MICROSCOPE AND TAKE A LOOK.
I MEAN, THIS IS NOT JUST A WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR, OKAY?
THE ENDOSPERM IS GROUND VERY FINE.
IT'S WHITE FLOUR.
AND THEN THE BRAN AND GERM ARE COARSELY GROUND
AND BLENDED BACK INTO THAT.
SO THEORETICALLY, YOU COULD WHIP UP YOUR OWN GRAHAM FLOUR
BY SIFTING TOGETHER, I DON'T KNOW,
IT'S 2/3 OF A CUP OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR,
SAY, A 1/3 OF A CUP OF COARSELY GROUND BRAN
AND, I DON'T KNOW, 1 1/2 TEASPOONS OF WHEAT GERM,
BUT DON'T BOTHER.
GRAHAM FLOUR IS RELATIVELY EASY TO FIND,
CERTAINLY AT HEALTH FOOD STORES AND IN A LOT OF MEGA MARTS, TOO.
NOW OLD MAN GRAHAM'S CRACKERS
CONTAINED NOTHING BUT THIS FLOUR AND WATER.
AND I'VE TASTED THOSE CRACKERS,
AND NOT ONLY WOULD THEY RID YOU OF ANY CARNAL IMPURITIES,
THEY'LL MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR WILL TO LIVE.
SO I'VE TAKEN A FEW LIBERTIES WITH THE RECIPE.
LET'S GET CRACKING.
THE DRY TEAM STARS 1/8 OF A TEASPOON OF CINNAMON--
WHICH I GROUND MYSELF, I'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW--
1/2 TEASPOON OF BAKING SODA,
1/2 TEASPOON OF KOSHER SALT,
3/4 OF A TEASPOON OF BAKING POWDER,
AND, YES, THIS IS THE ALUMINUM-FREE AGAIN.
THEN WE HAVE 1 7/8 OUNCES OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR, BY WEIGHT,
3 OUNCES OF DARK BROWN SUGAR, BY WEIGHT
AND 8 3/8 OUNCES OF GRAHAM FLOUR BY WEIGHT.
IT SURE WOULD BE EASIER IF YOU WERE USING METRIC AROUND HERE.
ANYWAY, BUZZ THAT UP TO COMBINE,
AND THEN WE'RE GONNA INTRODUCE 3 OUNCES OF BUTTER
TO THE PARTY.
CUTTING THE BUTTER INTO 1/4-INCH CUBES
AND CHILLING IT WILL HELP WITH THE PROPER INTEGRATION.
YOU SEE, LIKE A PIE DOUGH, WE WANT TO KEEP THE FAT SOLID,
OKAY, INSIDE THE DOUGH.
SO PULSE UNTIL THE MIXTURE JUST RESEMBLES COARSE MEAL.
THERE. NOW TIME TO BRING THE WET TEAM TO THE PARTY
BEGINNING WITH 2 1/4 OUNCES OF MOLASSES
BY WEIGHT-- NOT VOLUME METRIC THERE--
AND THEN 1 1/2 OUNCES OF WHOLE MILK,
WEIGHT OR VOLUME WOULD BE THE SAME ON THAT,
AND, FINALLY, 1/2 TEASPOON OF VANILLA EXTRACT,
AND I USE THE GOOD STUFF FOR THIS.
THERE. CLAMP ON THE LID AND PULSE
UNTIL YOU'VE GOT A NICE SMOOTH DOUGH.
YOU KNOW, I BET OLD MAN GRAHAM WOULD FAINT
IF HE SAW SO MUCH FLAVOR GOING INTO HIS CRACKERS.
THERE.
AND WHEN IT'S DONE, IT SHOULD KIND OF FORM
A NICE, SMOOTH, SLIGHTLY STICKY BALL,
WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT.
JUST KIND OF SCOOP IT OUT.
THERE. THAT LOOKS PERFECT.
PRESS THE BALL INTO A 1/2-INCH-THICK DISC,
WRAP IN PLASTIC WRAP
AND REFRIGERATE FOR 30 MINUTES.
♪♪
ROLLING OUT THIS DOUGH IS GONNA TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF TIME,
BUT WE REALLY NEED TO GET IT DOWN TO AN EVEN THICKNESS
OF 1/8 INCH FOR PROPER BAKING.
NOW WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO CUTTING SHAPES,
YOU COULD GO WITH RANDOM AVANT-GARDE GEOMETRY
SIMPLY BY APPLYING A SHARP PIZZA CUTTER.
BUT IF YOU WANT REAL PRECISION,
FACTORY-LOOKING INDUSTRIAL CRACKERS,
YOU SHOULD PICK UP ONE OF THESE LITTLE GUYS,
AN ACCORDION CUTTER,
WHICH, WHEN SET FOR 2 INCHES,
WILL DO THIS.
NOW TO MAKE SURE THAT THESE DON'T PUFF UP IN THE OVEN
DUE TO WATER-TO-STEAM CONVERSION,
WE ARE GOING TO DOT THE CRACKERS,
THAT IS, WE ARE GONNA, WELL, PUNCH A BUNCH OF HOLES INTO IT.
NOW ONCE UPON A TIME, MEDIEVAL BAKERS
USED TO USE DEVICES LIKE THIS.
(laughs menacingly)
MODERN BAKERS TEND TO USE
SOMETHING A LITTLE KINDER AND GENTLER,
BUT, YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T A COMMON EVERYDAY ITEM,
SO WE WILL EMPLOY A FORK THUSLY.
JUST POKE EACH CRACKER, OH, ABOUT THREE TIMES.
AND THEN TRIM UP THE EDGES
AND PEEL AWAY ANY OF THE EXCESS DOUGH.
YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST ADD THAT BACK TO YOUR DOUGH BALL
AND ROLL OUT MORE LATER.
THERE, ONTO THE PAN.
BAKE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF A 350-DEGREE OVEN
FOR 25 MINUTES.
I WOULD SAY THAT THEY WOULD TURN GOLDEN BROWN AND DELICIOUS,
BUT THEY'RE ALREADY GOLDEN BROWN.
THEY WILL, HOWEVER, LIGHTEN SLIGHTLY WHEN FINISHED.
AHH.
WHEN YOU REMOVE THE CRACKERS FROM THE OVEN,
ALLOW THEM TO COOL COMPLETELY IN THE PANS.
THEN JUST BREAK THEM ALONG THE DOTTED LINE AND ENJOY
OR STORE THEM FOR UP TO 14 DAYS...
(women chanting) DOWN WITH BROWN!
IN AN AIRTIGHT CONTAINER.
DOWN WITH BROWN!
WHAT? DOWN WITH BROWN?
DOWN WITH BROWN!
SIR,
WE HAVE CAUGHT WIND OF WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING
IN THIS DEN OF CULINARY SIN--
I--OH, MY.
(continue chanting) DOWN WITH BROWN!
REVEREND, I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR CRACKERS--
SPIT IT OUT, MILLICENT.
LADIES, DO NOT SWALLOW THOSE CRACKERS,
WHATEVER YOU DO!
BUT HOW CAN SOMETHING SO GOOD BE BAD?
OH, BUT IT IS, MILLICENT. IT IS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK HE'S JUST SAYING THAT TO KEEP US GIRLS IN OUR PLACE.
YEAH!
GET HIM, GIRLS! YEAH!
GET HIM, GIRLS! YEAH!
YEAH!
GET HIM.
THOSE THINGS NEED TO GO OFF HIS FACE ANYWAY.
OH, HI.
MAY I?
YEAH, SURE, GO AHEAD.
HEY--
SHE TOOK ALL MY CRACKERS.
OH.
♪♪
ALTHOUGH AMERICANS CAN CERTAINLY TAKE PRIDE
IN THEIR CRACKER HERITAGE,
WE ARE NOT THE ONLY CRACKER-HAPPY REGION
IN THE WORLD.
ONE OF THE OLDEST CRACKERS, LAHVOSH,
IS A TRADITIONAL MIDDLE EASTERN FLATBREAD,
WHICH WAS ORIGINALLY MADE WITH JUST FLOUR, WATER AND SALT
AND BAKED IN A CLAY OR BRICK OVEN.
DON'T HAVE A CLAY OR BRICK OVEN? NO PROBLEM.
WE'LL ADAPT.
THE DRY TEAM--1 TEASPOON OF REGULAR TABLE SALT
AND 1/2 A TEASPOON OF SUGAR
GO INTO 14 1/2 OUNCES OF ALL-PURPOSE FLOUR.
THAT'S BY WEIGHT,
ALTHOUGH, IT'D BE 2 1/2 CUPS, GIVE OR TAKE,
IF YOU WERE USING THE VOLUME METRIC SYSTEM.
NOW ONE EGG GOES INTO A SEPARATE BOWL
ALONG WITH 2 TABLESPOONS OF BUTTER
THAT'S BEEN MELTED AND COOLED SLIGHTLY
AND 2/3 OF A CUP OF WATER.
AND WHISK TO COMBINE.
SO WE'VE GOT OUR DRY TEAM COMBINED.
WE'VE GOT OUR WET TEAM COMBINED.
AND THE WET GOES INTO THE DRY THUSLY.
AND JUST USE YOUR HAND, YES, A CLEAN HAND,
TO BRING THAT TOGETHER INTO A DOUGH.
IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE PASTA DOUGH.
JUST WORK IT IN THE BOWL,
AND THEN WHEN YOU CAN, TURN IT OUT.
AND IT LOOKS KIND OF RAGGED NOW, BUT KEEP WORKING IT,
AND IT'LL SMOOTH OUT.
HEY, YOU REMEMBER GLUTEN,
THOSE PLASTIC YET ELASTIC PROTEIN FIBERS
THAT MAGICALLY APPEAR
WHENEVER WHEAT FLOUR IS AGITATED WITH WATER?
WELL, WE NEED TO CREATE SOME OF THOSE NOW
SO THAT THIS DOUGH WILL BE STRETCHABLE.
BUT WE DON'T WANT THE CRACKERS TO BE TOUGH,
SO WE DON'T WANT TO OVERDO IT-- AS LITTLE KNEADING AS POSSIBLE.
SO GRAB YOUR TRUSTY DOUGH BLADE
AND BREAK THAT INTO THIRDS ROUGHLY.
DON'T HAVE TO WEIGH IT.
COVER WITH A TEA TOWEL AND WAIT 30 MINUTES.
THAT'LL ALLOW TIME FOR THE DOUGH TO FULLY HYDRATE.
SO SET TWO ASIDE, AND WE'LL WORK ONE AT A TIME.
PUT DOWN THE TEA TOWEL AND THEN TURN A SHEET PAN UPSIDE DOWN
AND LIBERALLY BUTTER IT FROM ONE SIDE TO THE OTHER.
PUT THE DOUGH RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE,
KIND OF GIVE IT A LITTLE SQUISH AND THEN START ROLLING.
NOW ONCE YOU'VE ROLLED THE DOUGH
UNTIL YOU'VE COVERED ABOUT, AH, 2/3 OF THE PAN,
IT'S TIME TO PUT DOWN THE ROLLING PIN
AND START STRETCHING.
JUST KIND OF PUT YOUR HAND RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE, ONE HAND,
GRAB THE EDGE WITH THE OTHER AND GENTLY PULL OUT.
NOW IF YOU CAN WORK YOUR WAY AROUND AND CREATE
KIND OF A LITTLE LIP THAT GOES OVER THE SIDE OF THE PAN,
THEN THE PAN WILL HOLD IT IN PLACE.
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING THIS ON AN UPSIDE-DOWN PAN
TO BEGIN WITH.
AHH. PLACE IN THE MIDDLE RACK
OF A 375-DEGREE OVEN
FOR 10 TO 15 MINUTES OR UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN
AND, WELL, YOU KNOW.
IF YOU WANT TO DO MULTIPLE RACKS,
YOU COULD DO UP TO THREE HERE,
BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ROTATE THEM AROUND
ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH COOKING.
REMOVE TO A COOLING RACK
AND CONTINUE WITH THE REMAINING DOUGH,
BEING SURE, OF COURSE, THAT THE PAN HAS COOLED DOWN
BEFORE YOU MAKE THAT NEXT ADDITION.
THEN JUST BREAK THEM UP INTO SHAPES AND CONSUME.
THEY'RE JAGGED. THEY'RE CRUNCHY. THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
THEY'RE MUNCHY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, FELLAS?
NOT BAD.
I FIGURE WITH MY BAKING PROGRAM AND YOUR CALL CENTER...
AND NEW SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.
WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO MOVE, I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE 200 UNITS A WEEK.
THEY'LL SELL LIKE HOTCAKES.
200? THAT'S NOT EVEN ENOUGH TO FIRE UP THE JET.
HEY, BUT WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW THAT WE COULD--
SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON "GOOD EATS."