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Andrew, it’s the twenty-first century! Use the computer!
Right, love to, but I seem to have inexplicably turned my computer into a ukulele.
[ukulele strums]
And I suppose you’d like me to input this week’s report.
If you’d be so kind.
This thing’s just as impossible to figure out.
-Andrew? -Yes Harry?
Why does this report have the word FINAL written across the top of it?
Ah, yes, that.
Well, as you may have noticed, there hasn’t been much call for Aurors in a long, long time.
You took care of He-Whose-Name-I-Can't-Quite-Remember…
-Voldemort! -That's the bloke.
Anyway, since then, there haven’t been any problems with dark wizards for us to deal with really, have there?
But the forces of evil could regain power at any time!
They could, they could, yes.
But, they haven’t. It’s been ten years, Harry.
The Ministry has been very generous keeping the department open even this long.
And I think a lot of that has to do with how grateful everyone felt towards you.
But the war’s long over. It’s time to move on.
So I’m fired then?
Afraid so.
When?
Um, you input that report yet?
What’s happening to you?
I am being reassigned to…
the IT department. Information Technology.
Sounds exciting!
-Hello darling! -Hi hon.
I have good news. I’ve just taken my temperature.
Hooray!
-That’s not the news. -Oh.
The news is that I...
am...
ovulating!
Hooray…
So while I go finish getting a chicken in the oven for dinner,
you go into the bedroom and get psyched up for some sex.
Honey-
Here, you can use this.
Bum bah dah bum bum dah bum bah da bum bum bow!
Ginny honey, don’t you think we should w-
No. I think we’ve waited quite long enough, thank you very much.
Come on now.
Accio trousers!
You know, there are more romantic ways of doing that!
Ginny, they’re closing my department.
-Finally. -Finally!?
Harry, no one’s seen a dark wizard in ages.
You were completely going to waste there. Maybe now you can get a job with a future, you know?
Something with management prospects!
Fine. All I’m saying is,
we might not want to have a baby when we don’t know where our next paycheck is coming from.
Right?
[cell phone rings]
Hello?
It’s Hermione.
Ron looking for new investors for his next brilliant venture?
No. She said he's gone.
She kick him out again?
She said he left this time.
That’s a new one. I’m sure he’ll be back in a few hours though.
That’s the other thing. She said he left a month ago.
What?
Harry Potter.
I’m so sorry Hermione.
I’m so glad you’re here.
You don’t mind if I pour myself a glass of wine, do you?
No, of course not. Whatever you need.
Good answer.
Your call made me realize how long it’s been since I’ve seen you two.
Sorry about that.
It’s not like Ginny and I have been busy, we haven’t.
Almost the opposite.
Almost as if I’ve been doing so little for so long, I’ve gotten used to it.
Makes me think of when we were kids, right?
Oh I know. Awful, wasn’t it? I was such a mess!
All I did was worry. People were trying to kill us every other day and all I could think about was,
Oh no, I might not get a perfect grade in… wand waving or whatever.
It’s only recently I’ve truly started to appreciate that life’s too short for crying over every little thing, don’t you agree?
Sure, I guess. I mean, you’ve always been pretty high strung.
But it got you everything you ever wanted, didn’t it?
I mean, you’re a successful barrister, you’re wealthy, healthy, you know…
Happy?
Are you asking?
Oh Harry, don’t you ever feel like something’s missing?
Yeah.
Yeah I guess.
I think for me it’s-
So do I!
Here’s to finding that missing something!
Oh, all right.
Shouldn’t drink too much. Didn’t get a chance to eat dinner before coming over.
[slow jazz music plays]
All I’m saying is-
All I'm saying is, looking back those- those're like my favorite years of my whole life!
Favorite years!?
The ones where people were plotting your death, others were writing books calling you a fraud,
and the Dark Lord was fingering your brain like a *** prom date!?
Oh yeah. Sounds a bit silly out loud like that, doesn’t it?
But I think I was just too young to appreciate the adventure of it all!
I mean, you never feel so alive as when someone's trying to kill you!
Harry, I've spent the last few days trying to build myself up for this
and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't ruin it by talking anymore.
Building yourself up for what?
Ooooh…
***!
Seen the paper this morning?
Indeed I have.
Does this mean it’s time for Phase One to begin?
No.
It means Phase One is complete.
Ah.
Got me phases mixed up then.
So it would seem.
Moving on to Phase Two then?
Obviously.
Which is…?
Which is we offer him the job!
Right.
Right! And Phase One was…?
All this prep work we’ve been doing! Collecting everything! Setting up the business!
All right! Calm down! No need to get all worked up.
Don’t tell me to calm down! I’m not the one who don’t know what’s going on!
So you want tea?
Yeah all right.
Oh my god! Oh my god!
Did we have sex last night!?
We sure did, cowboy.
Oh my god!
Silenzio!
Ah! Oh. Wait.
Am I supposed- Wasn’t that a spell?
It’s Italian. It means shut up.
Ginny, honey, darling, I-
Harold James Potter!
I had come here to report that I haven’t found Ron, and to ask if perhaps you’d gotten lucky.
[snicker]
Instead I am forced to reassess everything I thought I cared about in my life.
Harry, do you wish to be married to me?
Yes! Yes, of course, darling! I love you! I-
Shut up!
How long has this been going on?
Never! Just last night! It was an accident!
We drank too much! Because we were so upset! Worried about Ron!
Is that true?
No.
I was curious what it would be like to sleep with Harry. So I poured wine down his throat and jumped him.
It’s not rocket science.
And is it going to happen again?
No! No, of course not!
I don’t even remember it happening the first time!
Hermione?
No. I’m satisfied.
Well, my curiosity is satisfied.
How could you?
Was my explanation not clear?
Harry, get dressed!
What the!? Where is my-!?
Ah yes, that.
While I decide what’s to become of us, I’ve confiscated your genitals.
Confiscated them!? Well where the hell are they!?
Never you mind!
And you.
You admit that you betrayed my trust, seduced my husband, and ruined our friendship
all for one night of drunken sex?
That’s not the Hermione Weasley I called a sister.
I knew this would upset you. I do hope we can get past it.
Maybe we can talk it out over margaritas. How’s your Thursday?
I hereby challenge you to a duel.
Ooo! I’ve never been in one of those!
Uh, Ginny, hon, not sure-
Harry shut up! Tomorrow. Midnight.
Agreed.
Fine! Harry, go find Ron.
Try not to have sex with him.
How could I when you’ve got my-
Go!
You know the last thing Ron said before he left me?
He said,
Your problem is you’ve never made a mistake in your life.
I want to see what I’ve been missing.
Oh blow it out your ***.
[cell phone rings]
Hello?
Harry Potter?
Yes.
Sorry to read about you being out of work. But we've got something we think would be perfect for you.
Look, I’ve told you people before.
I don’t see why anyone would want a Lego video game based on my life.
It doesn’t make any sense. Why can’t they just be us, people?
What do Lego blocks have to do with anything!? It’s bloody stupid!
No no no, it’s nothing like that. Perfectly respectable job, I promise.
Come by tonight. I’ll text you the address.
Ron, I know you’re out here.
Hello Harry! Tea?
So nice having company. Haven’t seen anyone in ages.
What do you expect? You’ve been hiding in a forest for a month.
In a place only Hermione or I would even think to look for you.
Hadn’t been back here since then.
Out hunting Horcruxes.
We never really took the time to enjoy nature, you know?
Uh, we were a bit distracted.
Aren’t we always though? Aren’t we always though?
Um…
Are you high?
Oh, sorry.
Want some?
What’s wrong with living out here, you know?
Communing with Mother Earth, living off the land?
There’s nothing wrong with it, Ron. It’s just sort of, you know, sudden.
And big. You know, a big change. I mean, what about Hermione?
Haven’t been feeling a ton of respect from that direction.
Before I left, she told me
I put the Ron in moron.
Sorry.
Why? I didn’t say it wasn’t funny.
I’m just saying… I’m just saying…
Hermione and I fell in love when we were kids.
When silly little things like complete incompatibility didn’t matter.
Do you know what it’s like being married to someone who’s better than you at everything?
Well, no.
Seems mean to say it out loud though.
I’m sure she’s not better than you at everything.
She beat me in a *** contest!
Wow… Distance?
Distance.
Wow.
I mean there's being a ***-up,
then there’s being a ***-up who lives with Hermione.
Ron, you’re not a ***-up.
Fifteen failed businesses in eight years?
Who’s high now?
Still you.
What happened with the last one? You said it was a sure thing.
Said that about all of them, though, didn’t I?
I guess the world just wasn’t ready for edible socks.
I still don’t see how it’s any worse than edible underwear.
But that’s the whole point, I suppose.
Ah, here we are.
Immobulus!
Such a generous bounty nature provides!
Do you want
a sandwich?
You call this living off the land? Is this how you’ve been getting food?
And pot!
So you're abandoning your wife, and you’re going to spend your remaining days living in the woods
stealing food from campers because your life hasn't gone as planned?
You know I never really had any plans.
You must be getting me confused one of with the girls.
Speaking of which, have you knocked up my sister yet?
Weird... And no.
She wants a family.
I know.
It's just,
whenever I picture a child, it's never happy.
I love Ginny, I just don't see why anyone would want to do that to a kid.
What? Have one?
It's hard to explain.
Hey man,
I'm here for you.
I think I feel like,
like the very concept of a family-
Oh ***! I forgot to unfreeze the muggles!
Pew!
I do hope you’ll think about coming back.
I mean, everyone’s entitled to a bad mood now and then, but this is a bit dramatic.
I lost my job yesterday, doesn’t mean that I’m going-
You lost your job yesterday?
So you don’t have to work tomorrow!
Brilliant! You should crash here tonight!
It’ll be great!
I’m sure I can find a caravan with some beers in it.
No, I can’t.
I have this job offer, interview, thing I have to go to.
Job offer?
Yeah, I got the call this morning.
So you lost your job yesterday,
and got offered one this morning?
Uh... yeah?
Excuse me.
Did you eat my damn sandwich?
FUUUUUUUCK!
So, Harry Potter.
What makes a man a man?
Uhhh...
Memories. A man is defined by his collection of memories.
They determine who he is, how he will act.
Powerful little buggers, memories.
Sometimes that can be a problem. And that’s where we come in.
That’s Stretch.
I’m Squat. We’re private contractors.
Usually hired by the Department of Magical Enforcement.
What happens is, wizard or witch commits a crime,
enforcers pick him up.
We’re called in to wipe the memory of any muggles that see what they shouldn’t.
Requires dedication. Long hours.
Maybe spending some nights in the office.
Can get dangerous.
Nothing the great Harry Potter can’t handle.
Oh, uh, thank you.
Um, well yeah, sounds good.
Just got to talk it over with the wife.
What you got to talk about it with her for?
It’s a good job, all on the up and up. Just take it!
Oh, no, I’m sure it is.
It’s just we usually discuss before making any big decisions,
and I’m kind of in it right now with her anyway so…
What’s the matter? She got your balls in her purse or something?
Maybe we were wrong.
Maybe the great Harry Potter can’t handle it.
I mean you haven’t really faced anything like that since you was a kid, eh?
Well that doesn’t have anything to do with it!
He was better looking as a kid.
When did his nose get so big?
And your accent’s complete ***.
Hey!
I didn’t come here for this!
I came here for a job!
Good.
Welcome aboard.
Are you joking?
Oops.
Hi hon.
God I’m exhausted.
Found Ron. He’s a bit frazzled, but he’ll be all right.
Just needs some time to sort things out, I’m sure.
Got a lead on a new job.
Well, sort of.
What?
Oh. Right.
Hi, Stretch? Job offer still good?
I'll take it.
…we got him on board. We got everything else. And it’s the last thing we need.
We start tonight.
Whole idea is just absurd.
Oh don’t be like that!
Come on! We could be on top again!
When were you ever on top?
As I remember it, you spent that time in a center for juvenile delinquent wizards.
That’s right.
We didn’t all have rich, connected families to drop everything in our lap.
I had to work for it.
I’ve been working for it for years and it’s time I got mine. I’ve earned it.
Now give it to me, or so help me I’ll-
You’ll what?
Hit yourself?
Oh don't do that!
Oh that’s sad really.
Aw, just so pitiful!
I wouldn’t expect you to forget so easily, Stretch.
I may have changed,
but I’d’ve thought I kept enough of my name for you to remember I’m not to be trifled with.
Aye, Malfoy.
I am sympathetic to your cause, in spite of myself.
It’s not as if I enjoy having the bloody thing in my home.
I treasured it once. It disgusts me now.
Well then let me take it off your hands, put it to good use.
No. I don’t want any part of it.
Now get out of here!
I’m teaching a Pilates class in twenty minutes.
Hornify!
So do I get a badge or something?
Nah.
We can’t really arrest people or nothing.
Comes down to it, we’re mostly janitors.
Cleaning up the mess after the enforcers are done with the bad guys.
As such, the job requires a lot of waiting.
Feel free to lie down over there.
Take a nap if you like.
Ah. Thank you.
Oh, I’m not tired now.
Just got here.
Right.
Oi! Ya got mail!
There’s a couple of jobs now.
And lucky you, one’s a five-one-six.
What’s a five-one-six?
Supermodel shower jumper.
Is that what it sounds like?
You can thank me later.
Whoa!
Who are you?
That’s Harry Potter, you ***!
Look at his forehead!
Oh yeah.
What’re you doing here?
I’m here to fix the, uh, muggle. Er, victim.
You’re a wiper now?
God, is that what they call us?
Makes me feel like toilet paper.
Richford Shacklebolt, enforcer.
Shacklebolt?
Are you related to Kingsley?
That’s my cousin.
No kidding?
Well give the Minister my regards.
Oi, marys, just blow each other and get it over with.
I’m done here. Gonna take him down to the station.
Victim’s in there. Got this?
Uh, yeah. Sure. No problem.
Get up, pervert.
Ah suck it, pig.
Hello, miss? May I come in?
Why the *** not? No one else has asked.
Right, sorry about all that.
But I have good news.
All this craziness that just happened? I’m here to make it go away!
What’s that mean?
Ah, well, see, I’m going to cast a spell on you and then you won’t remember any of it.
Rather convenient really. Wish I could use this on my wife.
Don’t you *** point that thing at me!
Uh, no, it’s okay, really! See, I’m not like-
Oh ***-
Oh god! It’s a fist fight! It’s a fight with fists!
Miss please!
Get out of here!
I can’t! You mustn’t know that magic is real!
Magic!
Obliviate!
Oh thank god.
All right. If I understand correctly, you were taking a nice, relaxing shower.
Shower…
Hey.
Hey. Where’ve you been?
New job.
Well that’s just perfect.
Yeah, that’s right. I screwed up again.
Took a job without your permission. Brilliant!
***. Look, I’m- I’m sorry.
For?
Well you know, Hermione, mostly. And the job thing, also, second.
I mean Hermione completely! And the job thing, also completely!
For everything! Everything!
I love you more than anything, and I’ll do whatever I have to to regain your trust.
Well, it’s a start.
We can talk about it more later.
Where are you going?
To kick my best friend’s ***. Wish me luck.
Oh Ginny, I don’t really think-
Good luck, dear.
Wait.
Can I give you a kiss goodbye?
It’s about time you did something *** adorable.
Still on the couch.
That case, I’ll sleep at the office.
They have a futon!
Figured I’d let you have the first shot.
Don’t do me any favors.
Very well.
You all right?
You smug ***!
I am not smug!
You hurt me
and you don't even care!
Of course I care, Ginny.
I'm here to accept the consequences of my actions.
Even if I kill you?
Is that really what you want?
No… Just sounded tough.
You broke the cardinal best friend rule.
I know.
And was that really what it was all about?
Curiosity!?
No.
I suppose I wanted to see if I could save my marriage.
Oh ***. I don't even want to know what that means.
I don't know…
Do you…
submit, I guess?
Sure.
Thought this might happen.
Oh for ***’s sake, Hermione!
Can you stop being a know-it-all *** for five *** seconds!?
I'll try.
Reminds you of Dumbledore’s Army, doesn’t it?
Yeah.
I guess.
Loving Harry was so much easier back then.
Just obsessing over him from afar.
Now loving him feels like,
I don’t know, a responsibility.
Yeah. It’s called marriage.
I don’t understand.
Everything’s gone perfectly since we got married.
Harry got a good government job. We found a nice place to live.
We’ve been happy, healthy.
We should’ve started a family ages ago.
I keep trying, but
Harry isn’t interested.
It’s like the more stable we are, the more distant he gets.
I can tell you why
if you don’t mind me being a know-it-all ***.
I’m used to it.
Harry had what may have been the most unusual childhood ever.
Going from living underneath the stairs to being a famous wizard.
And every year at Hogwarts brought some new, crazy adventure.
I’m not saying it wasn’t stressful.
There’s a reason his hair’s already thinning.
But he thrived there.
He excelled at the extraordinary in his youth, so
it shouldn't be any surprise he isn’t satisfied being an ordinary adult.
He misses his adventures, huh?
He said as much.
Parenthood can be an adventure.
Muffliato.
How many-
-should we do tonight?
No rush.
Let’s just try a few.
See what happens.
Morning Harry.
How are you feeling today?
Fine, thanks.
Lovely.
There’s some coffee over there if you want it.
Oh yeah, definitely.
So where’s Squat?
She’s getting some sleep. We had a long night.
Oh yeah? What’s the deal with you two?
Why, she say something about me?
Oh, er, no.
Just business partners.
Oh ***! I have to call my wife!
Oi! Ya got mail!
Oi. Call later. Got a job.
Oh, it’ll only take a minute.
Job first. Call after.
No, I just have to check- See, she got herself into this thing last night-
I ain’t paying you to make phone calls!
It won’t be but a second!
It can wait! This can’t!
No!
Oh god, Stretch!
I’m so sorry! Are you all right?
I don’t even know what- God I’m so sorry!
There. I’ll do the job, okay? Yes, of course, I’ll do the job.
Here we go. All right.
I’ll go do it now.
Harry.
Don’t forget your phone, mate.
Richford. What have we got?
Potter. Hettie here was just about to cut out that poor fellow’s eyes.
Ew. Why?
His name is Newt.
So? Oh, wait, what? Eye of Newt? That counts!?
Oh what do you care?
Fair enough. Why here?
Empty. Private.
And plus you don’t have to clean up after as the floor’s already sticky!
Ugh.
All right, Hettie, that's enough. Let’s get out of here.
Oh where’s the harm? It’s only a muggle!
Rough morning, huh?
It- It was awful!
That woman, she’s a- a witch! A real witch, isn’t she!?
You can say that again.
And it’s real. Magic’s real!
Wands and spells and the whole bit.
I don’t understand! It shouldn’t be possible.
Oh come now.
I’m sure there’re plenty of things in your world you don’t understand.
Like the inner workings of transistors or cerebral matter or whatnot.
Oh no, I understand those things perfectly.
I’m a neurobiologist who happens to be studying the effects of how to control electronic devices via nerve impulse.
Oh.
Fashion then, maybe?
Who are you?
Harry Potter.
Well, Harry Potter, I’ve never been more confused.
My whole world is built around a clear foundation of logic and science.
But it seems there’s a whole other world that I never knew anything about.
That witch called me something.
What was it? Mug-something?
Muggle.
Muggle. Which I’m guessing means someone who can’t do magic.
Mmm hmm.
And since muggles don’t know anything about magic,
I’m guessing you were left behind to try and magically erase this event from my memory!
I have to go… do something.
Newt, I need you to stay here. I could use magic to make you stay, but I imagine you’d-
I'll stay.
Thank you!
God! It’s like being fifteen again!
Mood swings, erections that won’t go away…
Let’s just get this over with.
[phone rings]
Tell me you’re pulling my hair.
Ginny, what the hell-
Ooohhh yeah!
Are you using my *** as a sex toy!?
Of course not.
Sex toys can’t get you pregnant.
Ginny, this is not good! This is- Oh…
No, look! I’m on a job! I’m at work!
Oh god.
Tell me you love my ***.
God I love your ***- No! Stop it! I’m working!
Oh Harry!
Honey, while I’m thrilled to hear you’re feeling better about us, this really isn’t the time!
Well shut up and concentrate and you can be back to work in a minute, okay?
Dammit! Fine!
Okay. Love you. Bye.
Well. That was different.
Sorry about that. Just had to…
***.
*** *** *** ***…
[cell phone rings]
Hello Hermione.
Hi Harry.
So how’d everything go last night?
Fine, fine. Uh, is Ginny feeling better?
Oh, she’s actually feeling… just great.
Good good.
Hermoine?
Huh?
What do you want?
I need something.
And I’m afraid you’re the only person I can think of who can help me.
Look, I’m not going to lie to you. Yes, I was curious about it too.
Not that I ever would have done anything about it, but it happened and, even though I can’t remember it,
that’s just going to have to be the end of it.
Not sex, Harry.
Marijuana.
What do you want that for?
To keep as a pet! What the hell do you think for?
Well there’s only one person I know who-
Not Ron.
Why not?
Because I’m still experimenting to see whether or not it can work between us.
Experimenting with drugs?
Not drugs.
Mistakes.
I think the reason Ron left is he feels insecure about his entrepreneurial failures over the years.
So maybe I can adjust my reactions so as to avoid hurting him if I make some mistakes of my own.
That’s a brilliant plan, Hermione, except for one thing.
What?
Normal people don’t make mistakes on purpose!
Oh. ***.
Hadn’t thought of that. Do you think that matters?
I don’t know. I’ve got to get back to the office.
Do they have marijuana there?
Harry?
What you doing on the floor?
Uh, nothing.
Got a pensieve there, huh?
Yup.
Haven’t seen one of those in awhile.
Standard part of the trade when you’re in the memory business.
Of course.
Listen, Stretch, I’m afraid this hasn’t quite been my day.
First with flying off the handle this morning, for which again I apologize profusely!
Gotten worse from Quidditch hooligans.
Um, but also,
the muggle whose memory I was supposed to fix?
Yeah?
I didn’t.
I got distracted and he ran off. I’m- I’m so sorry.
It was totally unprofessional and I feel like a right git.
You lost your muggle?
You’re right. I’m- I’m not cut out for this job. I’ll just let myself out.
Now now, don’t start *** yourself.
Everyone makes mistakes.
We’ve all lost a muggle or two that’s seen too much. Keeps things interesting.
Where do you think Twilight came from?
But Harry,
if I’m going to be able to trust you, I've got to know if you’re really making an effort.
Oh! Yes, of course! No, I’m ready, you know?
To show you. Whatever you need.
Good answer.
This is my prized collection.
Wow.
I can't remember the last time I saw so many memories.
Ha! Good one.
Oh, but Harry, these aren’t just any memories.
These are the finest memories you’ll ever experience.
This one, for instance,
is Joe DiMaggio doing it with Marilyn Monroe.
Ah. Interesting.
And this one
is Queen Elizabeth getting nailed by Lord Robert Dudley.
No kidding.
Oh! And this one here!
Mark Antony, Cleopatra,
and a couple of slave girls!
That’s a very… nice collection you’ve got there.
Very… historical.
Aye. Only problem is, the most precious one isn’t here.
Lost it in a poker game two months ago.
I want you to go and get it back for me.
You do?
This memory is precious?
Oh Harry, it’s not everyone who gets to preserve the memory of his own conception!
No. No I guess it’s not.
Right.
So you go and get that memory back for me, and we’ll just forget all this business about today.
Deal?
Alohomora.
Well that should make things easier.
Right. No witch or wizard would leave their door so vulnerable.
Still, took forever to find this damn thing.
Might as well use it.
Come on.
All right, but I haven’t showered in awhile.
This is exciting, huh? Ron and Harry, sneaking around again?
I don't know. A bit silly to still be doing this at our age, isn't it?
No, it's fun! Just like when we were teenagers!
Fun? You were a miserable teen!
All you did was brood and angst!
You made angst a verb, and you angsted hard!
I remember this cloak being bigger.
Well I remember you being smaller!
Do you feel a draft?
May I help you boys?
What?
-Malfoy! -Malfoy?
Potter!?
Do I know you?
I should say. We had quite the little feud going at Hogwarts, didn’t we? Weasley.
No… Draco?
Close.
Harry, this is now Draca Malfoy.
Is this your place?
What’s going on?
How do you know about this?
Why don’t you protect your door?
I’m expecting an intruder.
Stretch sold me out!
Stretch?
Uh oh!
I’m just a sexy house elf, looking for some clothes!
And I don’t care if I have to rip them off of someooooh my god!
Hermione!
Ron!?
Well. Now that everyone’s name has been adequately ***, maybe we should all sit down.
No thanks. I’ll go now.
Ron, what are you doing here?
Well I’d ask you the same thing. Except it looks like you’re doing exactly what it looks like you’re doing!
Indeed she is.
Oh shut up!
Excuse me.
You may not need to hear an explanation, but I believe I am entitled to one.
You’re entitled to *** all!
He’s here helping me.
Of course.
And what mischief is the good Mr. Potter getting himself into this evening?
Why are you talking like that?
I’m here for the memory.
Ah.
Have to give Stretch credit.
He managed to arrange the only possible circumstance under which I might relinquish this.
He told you what it is?
Yes.
And while I certainly think it… strange that you should have it or that he should want it,
I’d very much appreciate it if you’d let me return it to him.
I see.
Tell you what, you may have the memory.
If you
kiss me.
Does she still have her… you know?
I don’t actually know.
Yet.
And no, she doesn’t.
Okay, first of all, ew.
Second of all, I’m married!
Third of all… Ew! I don’t want to kiss Draco Malfoy!
Fine.
You two can show yourselves out.
Hermione, I believe you were here to take my clothes off.
No! All right!
Come on!
I believe that concludes your business here, gentlemen.
Hermione, darling, you said you were looking for something different.
I trust this demonstrates I won't disappoint.
Something different, huh?
Ron, I…
Draca, I'm sorry-
No, no! Don't change your plans!
I'm sure you wouldn't be hesitating had I not made the error of being here!
Please tell me I'm not the only one enjoying this.
Way to go, Potter!
He did it?
Of course he did it!
Good lord, Harry, you look exhausted.
Yeah.
I had been planning on going home tonight,
but Ginny’s probably asleep by now.
Oh why bother with that?
Yeah, guess I could just crash here tonight again.
Long as I won’t be interrupting you two.
Not at all.
We insist!
Do you think he had to kill her to get it?
We can only hope.
It really is going perfectly.
It’s going to work, isn’t it?
Put on some coffee.
We’ll know soon enough.
So that was him telling you where I’ve been.
Promised myself I’d never chase you if you left.
Always been so easy for me to keep promises to myself.
Set a goal and reach it. Don’t let anything get in the way.
Except when it comes to you.
That what happened tonight?
Me get in the way?
Yes.
When you first left, I thought it gave me permission to do whatever I wanted,
even if it hurt you.
But
I made a mistake.
Welcome to the club.
Thanks.
Is that marijuana?
Hello? Ginny?
Are you here?
If you were, I thought we might talk a bit.
Oh good.
Look honey, I know things’ve been-
Honey?
Who are you? Who sent you?
Where’s Harry!?
Ginny, what are you talking about!? It’s me!
Don’t *** me!
This is not the kind of talk I was hoping for!
What have you done with Harry Potter!? Answer me!
Ginny, I’m Harry! What’s wrong!?
What do we call it?
It?
Harry would know! It!
Oh! The Golden ***!
A hundred and fifty points to Gryffindor.
Hello.
And still nothing there. Thanks.
Harry?
Yes! Of course! What is the matter?
Where’s your scar?
You just can't help yourself, can you?
What?
You're caught up in some ridiculousness!
No I'm not!
Harry, we're not at Hogwarts anymore!
There are more important things in your life than getting into trouble!
Right.
Like getting as boring a job as possible and having a baby and teaching it that it's the greatest thing ever created
and thinking all that matters is routine routine routine
and only knowing what day it is by what shows you watch
and never being more happy than when neighbours finally give you an excuse to admit how much you always hated them anyway!
What are you talking about?
Live a stable, boring, perfect life.
That's what you want. Admit it.
You won't be happy until we're just like the Dursleys!
The Dursleys?
Admit it!
Harry!
I'm better than that! I deserve more! I deserve everything!
And if you can't understand that, you're just holding me back, and I don't need you.
What… What are you saying?
We’re finished.
Harry!
Harry no!
Don’t touch me!
You think I couldn’t kill you?
Just like I killed-
What’s wrong, Harry?
I’ve been feeling very strange.
Have you now?
I just…
I don’t even want to think about it.
And my scar.
Yeah?
It's gone.
How wonderful!
I’m not sure it is actually. I’ve just done something quite terrible.
And I think this might have something to do with it.
Well we’ve got good news for you Harry.
We’re going to make that all go away.
What? No. No, you don’t have to-
Petrificus totalus!
Oh, but we want to, Harry.
We really really want to.
What’s going on? What are you going to do to me?
Going to do?
We started two days ago!
Two nights ago, more like.
Right you are.
What do you want?
Well, it’s quite simple, really.
We want back what you took from this world.
What are you talking about? I haven’t taken anything!
I think he’s catching on.
Wait, no! No, it’s impossible!
He’s dead!
Been dead before, though, hasn’t he?
No, we stopped him! We destroyed his horcruxes!
That is true. You certainly did.
He’s dead! The prophecy’s been fulfilled!
Ah yes, the prophecy! Either must die at the hand of the other…
For neither can live while the other survives.
Least that’s what we heard it says.
Which suggests that the only one who could kill you is the Dark Lord.
And vice versa.
So if one wanted to bring back the Dark Lord and ensure his survival…
There’s really only one way to be sure.
We’re going to turn you into Lord Voldemort.
Oh thank god!
Oh! I was starting to think- Is this some kind of ribbing the new guy thing?
Oh, it feels good to laugh again.
This is a great prank. Well done!
I’ve just been feeling so tense, you know?
I needed this. Thank you.
Shut up! It’s not a prank!
We’re turning you into the Dark Lord!
Oh come on! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!
It’s completely absurd! Turning me into Lord Voldemort?
This is nice.
I never thought I’d be able to do this with you.
Why not? I’m fun.
Yeah, but
you also like to be in control all the time.
Yeah. Being in control is gooooood.
And being out of control-
-is baaaaaaaad.
Baaaaaaaad!
Accio pretzels!
Sorry, love.
Sorry love. Love.
Love?
Are we going to make it?
Don’t see why not. Made it this far, haven’t we?
Barely.
I didn’t think being an adult was going to be this hard.
Everything’s hard for us.
But that’s okay. We’re good at it.
You’re good at it.
I haven’t been good at anything since- since Quiddich!
And I wasn’t even good at that!
Or at running businesses.
What about edible wands?
Use them and then you eat them!
See? That’s what you’re good at.
Business ideas.
No.
Not giving up.
Let’s go to a buffet.
Chinese buffet!
That’s a good idea though, right? Edible wands?
I suppose if you were a criminal and wanted to get rid of the evidence.
See? Built-in target market!
We’re gonna make it.
We’re the best couple in the world!
Except maybe Harry and Ginny.
Yeah, stupid them.
Makes you sick, how cute they are.
Yeah, stupid them!
Ginny!
Harry wants a divorce!
What makes a man a man?
Memories. A man is defined by his collection of memories.
They determine who he is, how he will act.
Powerful little buggers, memories.
Now I must apologize to you, Harry. I’m afraid I told a bit of a fib.
These actually are not the memories of muggles doing it.
That collection is safe in storage.
You see, Harry, the Dark Lord was very generous when it came to sharing himself with his followers.
He liked to spread around examples of his power to inspire awe and respect.
Like a calling card.
Now Squat and I spent the last few years amassing as thorough a collection as possible of the Dark Lord’s remaining memories for one sacred purpose.
To bestow them upon you.
Weren’t sure it would really work, actually.
Thought your mind might just chew them up and dismiss them, like dreams.
Or that your brain would crack and you’d go bonkers.
Or that. But, you know, can’t make an omelette and all that.
But we figured if we put enough of his memories in, your brain would take over, fill in the gaps
and you will be, for all intents and purposes,
Lord Voldemort.
Umm...
This is getting a bit dark for a parody, don’t you think?
What did he call us?
Parodies!
Have you ever been so insulted in your entire life?
No! I- I didn’t mean just you, I meant me too.
You know, sort of as a send up of what my fantastical childhood must’ve settled into as an adult and
how humor could be mined from my inability to deal with it and whatnot.
There’s this whole part where my wife confiscates my naughty bits after I accidentally slept with one of our best friends, who also happens to be our sister-in-law,
which I may partly subconsciously have allowed to happen in order to sabotage my wife’s plan to start a family,
which kind of backfired after she then used my *** without me there to try and knock herself up!
It’s- It’s- It’s been wacky.
Um… Um, it’s like
did you ever notice how in the wizarding world, people’s names tend to be so much more descriptive of who they are than in the muggle world?
Did- Did you ever notice that?
No. I, Stretch Scuzzington, have never noticed that.
Have you, Squat Stinkytits?
-Parodies! -Oh ***.
It was terrible! He was yelling at me and then he threw me to the ground!
Are you sure?
I'm just saying- It’s just that it- it doesn't sound anything like him is all!
He said I wanted to make us into the Dursleys.
The Dursleys?
Of course.
From the outside, they were the model nuclear family. The parents were pillars of the community.
They fawned over Dudley like he was the second coming. Harry was their dirty little secret.
But how could he possibly think we'd be anything like them?
You've got to remember, before he met any of us, that was all he knew of what a family was.
They spent the first eleven years of his life practically torturing him.
That kind of pain runs deep. It doesn't just go away.
He said we’re finished.
That's ridiculous. Harry's never loved anyone like he loves you.
I don't know. He was really scary.
It'll all work out, don't worry. Ronald?
Yes dear?
Your sister needs some help relaxing. Do you have anything that might help her relax?
As a matter of fact I do!
You'll see, sis. Things always work out when it comes to Harry.
Yeah, he's the boy who lived.
That became the teenager who whined!
Who grew up into the man who farts in his sleep.
You may have noticed your behavior changing recently.
Feeling a little more powerful? Less willing to be pushed around?
And of course, there's your scar.
Near as we can tell, everything's going perfectly.
Time to step it up!
Ah yes! We mustn't forget your contribution Harry.
This is the crown jewel of the whole operation.
Almost gave up on getting this until you offered to lend a hand.
See, this here is a very special memory.
Perhaps you can guess what it is.
Now my idea was to put it in last. Kind of a final nail in the coffin deal, right?
But Squat here, she thought better to put it in early, while there's enough Harry to really appreciate it.
And I have to say, I've come around to her way of thinking.
After all, it's not everyone who gets to preserve the memory
of their own parents getting murdered.
No! No don't!
So nice to finally have you awake for this.
I think it's really going to help us enjoy it.
Stretch, please! God!
Goodbye, Harry Potter.
No, don't do this!
Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
I'm Harry Potter!
I won the Triwizard Tournament even though I was too young to compete! Ooooo! Look at me!
Ooooo! Look at me!
I'm Harry Potter!
I’m Harry Potter! I pulled Gryffindor's sword out of the sorting hat's ***! I'm so cool!
I saved the world!
I am a huge badass! Harry Potter!
Aw… Aw… The Dark Lord killed you?
I guess your mother just didn't love you enough!
I am Hitler Potter! Und ve must kill all ze Voldemorts!
It worked.
Robe me.
My Lord.
M'Lord.
Stretch Scuzzington.
Even after all the others gave up on me, you remain loyal.
Of course, my Lord.
I'd like to repay you the best way I can think of.
You will be my first new memory.
Thank you, my Lord.
Whu- What does that mean?
Avada Kedavra!
That's better.
Now
to call the Death Eaters.
Sorry, Lord.
Never made it high enough in the ranks to earn a Dark Mark.
No matter, little Squat.
You have now.
Si-… Mmm- Mmmor…? Mi…
Mmmmmmmm-
Can't remember the spell?
I'm sure it'll come back!
In the meantime, I know somebody who's already got one.
Oh, come on! That is such crap!
Holy ***!
Oh my god. He did it.
Do you not bow to your Lord?
Umm…
My Lord.
Oh, sorry about that. Watching X Factor.
Even though it's crap this season. Don’t know what the judges are think-
You have betrayed me more than once, Malfoy.
But those were different lives, for both of us.
I have an army to build again.
This time there will be no mistakes. For this time, there is no one who can stop me.
Right.
I mean- Yes, my Lord.
Uhhh… I can explain that.
See it’s a plate of macaroni with a mushro-sssss…
Is a bit late. Maybe they're asleep.
They will come.
Of course, of course.
Well, in the meantime you should maybe-
Yes, make yourself comfortable.
Can I get you something to drink?
Tea?
Wine.
Oh my, not in this house!
Nope, five years sober and still going strong.
It's hard sometimes, but the program really does make a difference, you know?
Work all the steps, one day at a time, all that.
I owe it all to the Lord.
Other Lord, I mean. Not you Lord.
Britain does have its share of lords.
Where are Lucius and Narcissa?
Retired and moved to Florida, can you believe it?
Yeah, trying to save the Everglades!
I mean, they call every week to complain about the humidity and all the Cuban muggles everywhere,
but I think they really love it. Having the time of their lives.
They will come.
I don't know, um, Lord. It's been a long time.
Last time I was gone for longer.
Yeah and you came back and got your *** kicked again.
After that everyone was either killed or sent off to Azkaban for awhile.
Kind of became a fool me twice, shame on me thing, you know?
I mean, don't get me wrong, it is smashing to see you.
And I'm sure, yeah, they're coming.
Definitely!
Just… have to… wait a bit.
Em, do you want to see my collection of different spoons of the world?
I will use the water closet.
The what? Oh, sure. Sure, down the hall, on the left.
You have to jiggle the handle to get it to flush!
Potter. I've won.
Don't let what's going on out there fool you. This is only the beginning.
I will be restored to glory.
Must remember to get that *** back.
Look who showed up!
It will do.
For now.
Ministry Enforcement!
Hello Harry.
Taking the closing of the Auror department a little hard, eh?
Once a traitor, always a traitor!
No, I didn't-
Avada Ked-
Expelliarmus!
Petrificus Totalus!
That is *** up.
Quite.
So I read about this in the wizarding gossip mags.
You and everyone else.
Did it hurt?
Not at all. It was easy.
Few waves of the wand, couple of charms here and there.
Took like half an hour!
And is it totally different?
Not all that different, really.
Although if people have only read my new name and never heard it before, I'll often get called Drah-ca instead of Draca.
Couldn't that've worked with Draco? Drah-co?
Yeah, but not as much.
Fascinating.
Well, shall we?
Richford!
Richford. Um, I was just wondering what you’re planning on doing from here.
Follow standard procedure. Book him, process him.
Book him as Harry Potter?
-Of course. -But-
I know. It’s not ideal.
But whatever you call it, that thing committed a crime.
Yes, yes, no question. I was just thinking that perhaps-
Look, Andrew, I called you along as a former Auror because of your experience with dark wizards.
But it’s my case.
If it’s any consolation, he’ll probably avoid jail,
just get shipped off to St. Mungo’s for treatment. Hopefully rehabilitation.
Hopefully? We both know if he goes to St. Mungo’s he’s never coming out.
I don’t have time to play healer. And neither do you.
Not with him anyway.
Besides, you’ve got that computer virus needs looking after.
Who cares about that!?
This is Harry Potter we’re talking about! And he used to be my partner! I’ll make time.
Andrew, have you figured out-
Just put it in my office with the others!
Give me a week. Please.
Even if you were to cure him or whatever, I’d still have to book him. He’s still responsible for his actions.
Fine. Fine! At least he’d be able to defend himself.
If he gets out, if he hurt someone-
Not a chance.
One week.
Good luck.
Andrew!
Hello Ginny darling.
Andrew, what’s happened?
Oh my god.
Wicked!
Ron!
What’s wrong with him?
Well, he seems to think he’s Lord Voldemort.
He looks pretty *** convinced!
All right.
How do we fix him?
Um...
I am open to suggestions.
Harry?
Harry, do you remember me?
It's Ginny.
Weasley.
No. Not Weasley.
Potter. I’m your wife.
Harry, please.
Please!
Oh! I’m sorry Andrew!
That’s nothing.
Have you found anything out?
Yes. I’m glad to say we got a lot of good information from the woman that called in the tip about Harry.
She was the partner of the gentleman he tried to kill.
Tried?
There he is! He tried to kill me!
Ungrateful ***!
That’s the thing about those Unforgivable Curses, mate.
You’ve really got to mean them.
And Harry Potter doesn’t.
Stretch!
You’re all right!
All right, that’s enough!
We’re not done with you lot.
He tried to kill someone? So that means they’re going to charge him with-
That’s for me to handle.
Come on.
So they implanted Voldemort’s memories into Harry’s brain?
Said they started a few nights ago.
Putting them in while he slept.
Well Ginny, that explains why he attacked you.
Oh no, Ginny-
I’m all right. Bit of a relief actually.
Thanks Ron.
Thanks.
So have we um, figured out what we’re doing then?
Not yet. Never dealt with anything like this.
Can’t we just take the memories out?
Extracting a memory isn’t like removing an organ.
It’s more like- like making a copy.
Like backing up a hard drive!
I don’t know what that means.
So even if we take the memories out, they still stay in his head.
Don’t suppose Harry has a stockpile of his own memories at home?
No.
Sure he does.
In your head.
And mine. Ron’s. All of us.
We have a lifetime of shared memories with Harry!
We can implant them and his brain could use them to reconstruct his identity!
Do you think that could work?
Best idea I’ve heard so far.
Or he could end up a complete ***.
Who asked you!?
No, Ginny, she’s right. It is dangerous.
Still the best idea so far.
Then let’s do it.
All right.
I’ll get some vials for you all to put the memories in.
In the meantime, I need to have a chat with Mr. Scuzzington.
So Stretch.
You are incredibly stupid.
You playing good cop?
You turned a good man evil and now sit there acting surprised that your creation tried to kill you?
The Dark Lord’s not evil. He’s just… principled.
Dark Lord. Hello? DARK Lord?
How can you even sit there and...
Incredibly stupid.
Fine. He’s evil. Send him to jail. That’s what I want.
I’ll give you my statement.
Well here’s the thing, genius.
If he goes to jail, you go to.
As his accomplice.
What?
You’re going to charge me as an accomplice in the attempted *** of myself!?
Were you not complicit in his crime?
I- He-
And I suppose if I don’t give you my statement, I can go free.
Go free? Hell, you’ll be a hero.
Did us quite a favor rounding up and getting rid of Voldemort’s last earthly vestiges, didn’t you?
Either way, you won’t be working for the Ministry again.
And if we hear you looking for, trading or even asking about memories,
there’ll be Dementors at your door.
Deal?
Good.
Tell Miss Stinkytits the same goes for her.
Thanks for this. I owe you.
It’s all for naught if you can’t fix him.
Good lord, Ron.
You've got to ease up on the pot.
Is this enough? My brain hurts.
I know. But we need as many as we can get.
No, thanks.
Please. I need to help.
Step nine?
That's right.
Besides, there are things Harry and I saw that none of you did.
Like what?
Like Dumbledore dying.
Always been a pretty important memory to me.
Thank you, Draca.
How are we doing?
All right. Good.
Now for the fun part.
Ron, if you'd be so kind as to assist me.
Wand ready?
Incarcerous.
Uh, Stupef- No, uhhh…
Rictusempra!
***.
Oh, uh, Finite Incantatem.
Sorry!
No worries.
Nice work.
Get the box.
Harry Potter?
Harry Potter?
He's going to marry me!
He's my best mate!
Did you know he and I saved a hippogriff once?
Stupid git. Everyone thinks he's so great.
Potter… Where are you?
I've won!
I've won.
Draca was right.
What do we do now?
Is there anything?
I'm afraid there is one other thing we could do.
But it's not good.
I've come to think of it as the nuclear option.
What is it?
Complete Obliviate.
Wipe his mind totally clean and start over.
All his memories will be lost forever.
We'll have to teach him his name,
who we are...
Everything.
Do it.
Ginny honey, are you sure you don’t want to think about-
What's there to think about?
Look at him! He's already gone!
Do it!
Uh, may- may I suggest something?
Why don't we just read him the books?
The books?
The books? You mean, THE books?
Sure!
You can’t read the Harry Potter books without becoming Harry Potter, can you?
Now that's parody!
I've got the audiobooks on CD.
Perfect!
... course if you need any help with money...
Damn goblins.
He breaks into Gringotts one time and steals one thing and releases one dragon...!
Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?
Hello, I'm Stephen Fry and this is the audiobook for Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
None of that Sorcerer's Stone rubbish. I don't see why an American audience wouldn't've responded the same way because of one little word!
Oh no! Philosopher has too many syllables! Can’t read that!
Has anti-intellectualism in the States really become so pervasive that you can't even use the word philosopher anymore!?
Ridiculous!
Anyway, the book was written by J.K. Rowling. And here we go.
Chapter One. The Boy Who Lived.
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.
They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense…
…were wasting time. Ginny had already been in the Chamber of Secrets for hours… Harry knew there was only…
…forgotten that he was short and skinny and thirteen, whereas Black was a tall, full-grown man…
…His feet had left the ground. He could not unclench the hand holding the Triwizard Cup; it was pulling him…
...Death Eaters were completely distracted by the appearance of the members of the Order, who were now raining spells down upon them...
...green light shot from the end of Snape’s wand and hit Dumbledore squarely in the chest. Harry’s scream of horror never left him...
...to ensure that he was the one who triumphed? If he were the master of the Deathly Hallows, would he be safe?...
Poor thing.
Wish she'd just go home for a shower, something for herself.
Maybe she didn't realize it would take more than four days to listen to the whole bloody series.
No. She just didn't care.
Let's get her some breakfast.
Harry?
Hello love.
Where are the kids?
Kids?
James? Albus? Lily?
Oh, the epilogue. Meant to turn the CD off before that part.
Um, well, let's work on it!
Speaking of which, I have something I need to give back to you.
Harry! You're all right!
I did it! I had a good idea!
You were brilliant, Ron.
Can't quite sell it though.
Oh thank goodness!
I have that thing in my purse. I’ll be right back.
By the way, I trust this has cured your bout of nostalgia for this kind of adventure.
Rather not spend the rest of my days worrying about you.
Of course, dear. Whatever you need.
Good answer.
Harry.
Thank you, Andrew.
Just doing my job.
I thought your job was IT.
Yeah, but I suck at it.
I hear the Ministry is in need of some new contractors to deal with muggle memories, though.
Could use a partner. Be our own boss?
I'm in. Let's talk.
All right.
Feeling better?
Quite, thank you.
You know, I seem to remember something I remember not remembering.
Oh, well. Figured I couldn't have you dying of curiosity.
Missing out on all this.
Really wasn't very good, was it?
No. No it wasn't.
Hey Potter, you made it.
Shacklebolt. Malfoy.
Looking good, Harry.
Ah! Here we go.
What was that?
That was Ginny returning Harry's *** which she took from him after he slept with Hermione.
You kids stay classy now.
Harry slept with Hermione?
I know it sounds crazy.
I didn't believe it myself until I saw it with my own eyes.
But I'm going to prove it to the whole world.
I'm going to find a…
wizard,
cut him open,
prove scientifically what makes him different from us.
Ordinarily this'd be difficult, I mean they look like us.
But there's at least one who's easily recognizable, a lightening bolt shaped scar on his forehead.
And his name?
His name is Harry Potter.