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SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT
Women's groups have lashed out at me for not taking their issues seriously...but, I'm sure
they only said that because it was "that time of the month."
Did I co-author a bill that called for mandatory vaginal ultrasounds for women seeking to have
their wisdom teeth removed. You betcha! Were the contents of that bill shaped largely by
a series of auto-correct fails? Oy Bethesda!?!
Oh, they'll go on in great detail about the time I lectured an Eagle Scout troop on the
dangers of cunnalingas. But what they won't tell you, is how drunk I was when I did it.
SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT Other politicians may make light of past drug
use but not me. Anything you hear to the contrary is a simple misunderstanding. I did not GET
*** in college, I WAS *** in college. Literally pelted with rocks when I was caught
listening to dark, dangerous heavy metal music.
SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT Ok, I may have implied that the Jews killed
George Washington. But that was at a Tea Party rally and you know how crazy those things
get. I followed a guy who accused Joe Biden of spooking his chickens.
Some of my fellow Republicans have accused me of snubbing our leaders in favor of my
own radical agenda. My intentions aren't to "go rogue," but there are certain party leaders
I'm a little uncomfortable with.
When the Washington Post Dining column quoted me saying "humus is spreadable Jihad," it
was taken grossly out of context. My actual words were "Humus is spreadable, Jihad." A
simple declarative statement directed at a Middle Eastern staffer whose name I thought
was Jihad. Turns out it's Derick and he's Armenian. We can learn so much about people
when we take the time to water-board them properly.
So don't let the sodomy-loving media fool you, Ben Buccinelli is a man of tolerance
and reason. Shawn: Cut! Ok Ben, we need you to smile here.
Everything ok? Ben: Yeah...it's fine...just the stress of
the campaign, I guess. Shawn: Ok, well, take a deep breath, envision
something that makes you happy and then come at me with a big smile to close us out.