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Derek! It's on the news
Aliens are attacking the earth
They're killing everybody with their deadly heat-ray
Are they by ***?
Oi! Scotty!
You better beam me up - cause I wanna have a word with you lot
Listen E.T
I get one sunny day a year in that garden
Otherwise, I have to sell out 500 notes to fly to Santa Ponsa
to get a close encounter with the sun!
So, why don't you warp-speed back to your own galaxy
before I take this bottle
and give you a probe up your ***' hole
you will never forget!
So they've called off that attack then?
It's all forgot about...
Well don't think you're sittin' there all day
there's a few jobs round the house need done
and the grass needs cut.
Here, Spock!
You couldn't do us a favour, could ye?
Cheers mate.
Derek.
This holiday is a washout
Is it by ***?
God!
What's This!?
I did not work my ballix off all year
to fly to Faliraki in the middle of the Mediterranean
to get pissed on!
Now - I go to church every Sunday
so the least you could do is take this rain
and send it to Portrush where it ***' belongs!!
Amen.
Jesus - this heat's ***' desperate!
Love! The taxi's here!
Fuerteventura - here we come!
We can't go.
We can't go!
I've just heard my mother's dead.
Is she by ***?
Can I have a wee quiet word with the deceased?
D'you think I don't know you did this deliberate
you evil twisted ***?
You knew I'd this holiday booked
and you pick today of all days to pass on to the other side...
Well, you can get back out them pearly gates and straight down here
or else I'll have you cremated and scattered at sea
which is what you always said you didn't want.
Now, I've a taxi waiting
So take up thy bed
and ***' walk!!
Fuerteventura - here we come.
Oi! I want the full two weeks now!
Sorry madam, but we can't let you fly
Why not!?
Well you appear to be nine months pregnant
That's right - the baby's not due for a week
but we'll be back from the Costa Blanca the day before
I'm sorry Sir, but a woman at that stage of pregnancy cannot fly!
Fair enough.
I'll see you in a week love - I'll send you a postcard.
(Will you by ***?)
I did not spend nine months floatin' around in Gin and feg-smoke
to miss out on the Costa Blanca
Now, if yous don't get this sorted - when I come out, I'll be wearin' a barbed-wire hat!
And I'll wrap this Umbilical cord round his ***' fat neck!
That's my boy...
Attention Infidels!
We are seizing this flight in the name of Al-Qaeda!
This plane is going to America!
I don't think so, son
We are Al-Qaeda!
Aye well we're easyBaby Tours
and my ticket says Tenerife
Shut up stupid woman or you will die!
Oh, you are in trouble now
Even my husband doesn't speak to me like that
Derek!
Wha?
Take the earphones off
Them'uns here is with Al-Qaeda.
They say we're not going to Tenerife.
Is that right mate?
Yes! This plane is going to America!
Is it by ***?
Listen mate, I did not spend all year driving a taxi round Belfast
With a lot of drunken students pukin' up in the back seat
Just so as I can get involved in an international terrorist incident!
Know what I mean? So just you go and hijack the next plane - and we'll say no more about it.
No - you don't understand!
No, YOU don't understand.
You see, I spent 300 notes on this holiday
and you see if I'm not soakin' up the Spanish culture
in the Rover's Return bar in Tenerife by 2 o'clock
Yous two better know how to use a ***' parachute!
You don't know who you are dealing with!
We are religious fanatics!
Religious Fanatics?
Well I'm from the East-Belfast Linfield Supporter's Club
Now take your seats - or I'll slap the heads off ye!
East-Belfast Linfield Supporter's Club?
I'm so sorry sir, we didn't realise!
Now sit down - and behave yourselves.
Yes, Derek - Sorry for the disturbance. Sit down, sit down...
It's all right - it's all forgot about
Now do yous want a wee drink...?
Come, Derek, come with me...
What for?
I have come to claim you. You. Are. Dead...
Am I by ***?
This is the first day of my holiday in Vengarola
I've just checked in and you're lookin' me to check out?
I. Don't. Think. So...
But you are dead!
Not according to my clock.
I haven't had my first pint of Sangria yet!
Now you slay your scythe, or I'll give you a severe boot in the ballix.
There's no need for the language...
Oh, is there not?
Well let me tell you - I worked hard all my life
Just payin' the mortgage off - pension comin' in
D'you think I'm just gonna snuff it now and hand it all over to her?
I Don't Think So.
Your name is written in the book!
Aye - well just get the Tipp-Ex out
and I'll give you names of a few hoods at the top of my street that deserve it more than me.
Now get out of here
or I'll jam that scythe up your ***' hole!
I can't go back empty-handed. I have to have a soul.
Here, wake up love, there's somebody here to see you...
Derek.
Wha?
Take the earphones off.
This holiday in the Lebanon might have been cheap, but it's not workin' out.
Why's that love?
Them Israelis is bombin' the beach again...
Are they by ***?
Watch that drink - I'll be back in a minute...
And the next delegate to speak on the Lebanon crisis
is Linfield fan, Derek.
Yo!
Blair!
Bush!
Out Yous Get!
You're makin' a balls!
I'm sortin' this out
Israel - I will say this only once
Abide by UN Resolution 242 and get the frig out of the West Bank!
Fufill your obligations under the Oslo accords
Give the Palestinians a homeland
and stop invading all round yous everytime someone looks at you crooked!
And you lot
Knock that terrorism on the head!
Right now. I'm goin'.
I'm goin' back to my Harvey Wallbanger
And you see if I hear a peep out of any of yous..?
I'm gonna come back here and shove this roadmap for peace up your ***' holes!!
Right love, that's the Arab-Israeli conflict sorted.
Pity you never took a holiday in Northern Ireland, love...