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I knew how to put on a façade I had learned that in high school
Many people would say That they never knew
Anything was going on because I knew how to put a smile on my face
But my junior year in college
After being in a relationship For a while
I found myself in a situation That I never thought that I would be in
I was pregnant, my junior year Not knowing what to do
A friend of mine had had an abortion Previously and I listened to that advice
And decided to go to an abortion clinic Out of state
Because I didn't want anyone To know my situation
Because I was afraid That if I had gone to the church
Or if I had gone to my family or told anyone, that they would judge me
Because I knew that it wasn't accepted That I would be pregnant out of wedlock
As I got to the abortion facility I was told to keep my head down
And not listen to anyone Of anything that they were saying to me
But I could hear them, I saw them There were people lined up
Along the different sidewalks That this facility was surrounding
Reaching out trying to help me I know they were but I wasn't listening
Because I was so focused On trying to get inside
I put my head down Ignoring the people outside
And got inside And I sat down and listened
To everything that they were telling me
It's gonna be ok, you're gonna be better off. You have your whole life ahead of you
It's just a tissue It's not a baby
They never once said the word baby
Never
They never once said Anything about an abortion
They always said Terminating your pregnancy
And I listened to that I bought into the lies
That were being told to me that day Because I wanted to justify my behavior
And the decision that I was making
And I wanted to believe that Even though I knew deep down inside
What I was doing was wrong I knew it
But I didn't know what else to do At that point I wanted my career
I'd grown up in poverty And I wanted success
I thought money was success And so that day I listened to them
And I got on that table And as they were prepping me
For that surgical abortion Holding my hand as tears ran down my face
Just squeezing me Thinking that they were for me
But not realizing They were really against me
With the images in my head Of walking up to that sidewalk
And people being outside Thinking they were the ones against me
But actually They were the ones for me
Trying to help me But I listened, I listened to that lie
And I followed through that day
With them taking the very life inside of me That God had created
No matter my situation That was a life taken that day
As I laid on that table And the procedure being done
Hearing the suction And remembering that
Knowing They said it will just take a few minutes
It's not gonna take very long And you'll be able to lay there
And you'll be fine You'll recover quickly
It'll just be some cramping Like a menstrual cycle
And you're gonna be fine after that We'll give you something afterwards
And you'll go home
And that's exactly what happened
And afterwards Feeling full of guilt
And shame That I knew that I had
Taken a child's life
There are so many affects Of abortion afterwards
I think it even starts As they're doing the procedure
You want to hide There is a shame and a guilt
That covers you That covers every single woman
Weather they were for their abortion Or against it
There is no woman That has not felt that guilt or shame
And many are very angry I was furious
I had been angry as a child But this effected me more than
Than what I thought that it would
And it was just like being pissed off All the time after this
And wanting to continue to drink And to do drugs
To escape from the fact Of the reality of what I had done
And plus keeping secrets Not telling anyone
Because if anyone knew Than they would judge me
And they might not like me
And they might talk And say awful things about me
And that could ruin my reputation And I didn't want that
I didn't want that at all
I felt like I had been Taken advantage of
I, now that I'm able to look back I wasn't told the whole truth
I wasn't told that there were other Options for me
I wasn't told that There were other choices for me
This was the only choice That was given to me
Well in 2007 God drastically got a hold of me
And after struggling with Drugs, alcohol, abortion
Divorce The whole nine yards
This lady ended up praying with me And that day, my life changed
But I had no idea What God had in store for me
In 2009 I ended up moving back to the hometown
That I had grown up in That I never wanted to be apart of anymore
And it was about Five months later
That I felt the Lord leading me To go to the Social Security Office
And it was there that They verified my mom's information
And at that point They verified my father's information
The very information I thought that I would never know
Within about 48 hours I met him, and he looked at me
And he said "I'm sorry, I can't help you"
And knowing that the Lord Had led me to the truth
I waited a few hours Because after 38 years
After never knowing the truth Of who I was
God had led me To that point
And I ended up Calling my mom
And telling her What had happened
The last two days
And as she cried On the other end of the line
Telling me that she was so sorry That she was going to have to tell me
What she was going to tell me
And that she never intended me To find this out
She said That man *** me
That man *** me
And I said, But mom it's ok
It's ok And she said
No, it wasn't ok
It wasn't ok And it was at that point that
I realized The love of a mother
Because I had been so angry Of why she didn't tell me the truth
But then also realizing That my life had been saved
And I had taken three lives Of my own
And the humility of knowing That every life is precious
That God had made my life He knew every hair on my head
And now knowing that He has a plan And a purpose to tell the truth
To tell all the general public To tell women to encourage them
You do not want to choose abortion It is harmful
Not only mentally, physically, emotionally It effects you for the rest of your life
And you can't take it back You can't
And now I just continue To be so thankful for my life
And the love that my mom has for me That she did keep me
No matter how I was conceived because She realized that my life was precious
And so I remain in thankfulness And forgiveness for her
And even my father Of what he had done to her