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Hey guys! I've been wanting to make this video for awhile now. It's a really heavy subject
so if you feel uncomfortable at any point please just stop watching the video. Um, it's
not meant for everyone. And um, I certainly don't want to make you feel uneasy or uncomfortable.
Um, also please take note you might hear two dogs and a cat at some point. Um, and some
heavy machinery possibly from work. Uh, but please don't let that take away from the seriousness
of the subject. So I'm going to be moving around lot while I make this video. Don't
expect...there's going to be a lot of different clips throughout days or...I don't know. Um,
you're going to be up close and personal because I have to hold my iPad. But, um, most of all
don't expect continuity. There's going to be no continuity in terms of visuals. And
um, some days the video is going to be crappy, some days it isn't. But it really isn't about
that. It's about the topic. So this is my second warning to you guys. If you feel uncomfortable,
please leave 'cause the topic is bulimia. Early readers of my blog know that I was bulimic
from um, middle school all the way to college. Um, I guess, um middle school is 6th grade?
Right?6th grade. So I was probably around 16?I'm not sure if I have that right. Um,
but yea, I was that young. That's how young I started. Um, I guess I should start from
the beginning. Um, because I don't want to make it seem like I'm pinpointing a specific
person as the cause of my troubles because um, that's not realistic. So, uh, let's see,
uh I was a huge dork in elementary school. I had these huge, red glasses and I just stuck
out like a sore thumb. Um, I was, you know a straight A student. Um, very into academics.
My teachers loved me. Um, and you know, one of those kids that sticks out. Um, oddly enough
I did have a lot of friends. Um, which I guess doesn't really match that stereotypical nerd,
you know?Um, but yea, I did have a lot of friends and um, I did get picked on. But not
as often...I don't really remember getting picked on that often. I just know that I felt
um, different and I looked different. Um, especially amongst my own friends. Um, I was
a patrol. So I was one of those annoying kids that would say, "WALK!".Yea, I was one of
those. Um, I've always been, um...well, I at least, especially in elementary school
I was very into rules. I liked my rules. So you can see why I was a patrol. It's hard
core! Um, yea. And then uh, when I went to middle school um, my image drastically changed
and I did that on purpose. Because I didn't want to get picked on and I didn't want to
stick out like a sore thumb. I wanted to feel accepted and I was a smart kid so I knew what
to do. Um, I changed my clothes, lost some weight. Um, stopped wearing glasses, changed
to contacts, changed my hair. That's all it took. First day of middle school, "hey! Denisse,
omg!" I was instantly accepted. Which I think is so weird, how just changing a piece of
clothing and your hair style and glasses! What's the deal with everybody being picked
on for freaking glasses?They're to see! It's functional. Um, but yea, I just changed those
things. My hobbies were still the same. Activities still the same. And yet, it was proof to me
that, that's all it took. And I continued little experiments like that throughout middle
school to see what it took, um, to push those boundaries. I know it's a weird thing to do
but I wanted to know. Um, so yea, uh, as you can tell just by that, I was already a pretty
insecure kid. Um, and that's due to my environment, due to my social environment, due to the things
I experienced on my own, um, out in the world. In my little world. And also due to the fact
that um, I had other people in my life who were very vigilant about certain things and
I'll get to that later. So yea, um, in middle school um, once I was accepted, um, I just
went about my years just like every other kid. You, you pretty much...teenagers struggle
a lot and we don't, we don't give them that much credit. People don't understand that
when you're a teenager you're extremely hormonal. Well, I guess they do understand that. But
they don't take it into consideration regarding uh, or applying it to your actions. Um, you're
more likely to rebel. You're, and that's just you're brain. It's just how you're brain works.
Um, you are more likely to rebel when you are young than when you are older. You're
a risk taker and that's, that's because...that's...there's a reason to that. Um, that's your time to
learn what to do and what not to do. And um, I am going completely off topic. But um, so
yea, I uh, I don't really remember, I'm like muddling everything together in my mind. But,
along with having to change myself physically to be accepted in a social environment when
I went home I also felt ridiculed and constantly uh, made to think that I had to be different
or look different. And that was mostly well, pretty much all from my mother. Um, it's not
her fault. She was trying to do what she thought was best for me. Um, her view of standard
beauty and health was highly skewed. And that's based on what she learned, what she experienced
in her own life. So I don't, now that I'm grown, I don't put blame on her personally....moreso
on society and how it's so um, harsh in terms of how people should look or indicating how
people should be to feel accepted and to feel good about themselves. So yea, uh, my mom
was um, very um, I don't even know how to put it...she really wanted me to lose weight
all the time. Um, it was constant fad diets. Non stop fad diets. And she was overweight
herself so um, I think she was putting on her ideals of how she should look to how I
should look. Because, Iook back at pictures today from when I was a teenager and in my
opinion, I was not fat. Um, in my opinion I was healthy looking. Um, I was how I wanted
to look. And it's so funny because at that point in my life when I looked at those same
pictures um, I didn't see what I see now. I saw something completely different. And
that's body dysmorphia. I just saw something else. Um, I remember my brothers girlfriend
taking pictures of me for my music...um, and, I don't know if some of you know, I used to
write songs. I still do sometimes. But um, I remember her taking this picture of me on
a tree and I look at that picture now and I'm like, "oh, that's a nice picture." But
when she showed me at that time, I looked at the picture and I started balling. Like
I was just crying my eyes out. Um, I thought I looked horrible. I thought I looked so fat.
I was so unhappy. And that's partially because of society and because of my mother. I love
her to death but a lot of it was, was her constant encouragement to diet. Um, and I
hate saying that but it's the truth. And she knows it. I spoke to her about it when I got
older. Um, she knows it. So um, let's see where to go from there....um, sorry about
the quality of this video. I'm trying not to do clips because I want it to feel as honest
as possible. I know I said I'm going to do a lot of different clips but I'm going to
try not to. Um, so yea, when I was a teenager, no one really knew, well at that point in
time I didn't think anyone knew. I know now, I have different info now. Back then the only
person I thought that knew was my best friend, um, and Kaitlyn. I love her to death. And
um, I don't know where I would be today without her. She was my rock at that age. Um, she
was, she means everything to me. Um, till this day she's like a sister to me. Oh my
God, I didn't want to cry. But yea she was...you know you only really need one good friend
in high school. Or, you know you only really need that one person that's going to be there
for you no matter what. And you don't realize that um, unit you get older. You don't need
a *** load of friends...all this fake *** with Facebook. Um, people who have millions
of friends - it's not even possible to talk to that many people or stay connected to that
many people or to feel any kind of real um, real experience with a person. But with her,
it was real. And it was one of the best friendships I've ever had in my life. And um, she knew
what was going on with my life. And, she, I don't know, she was there for me. And she,
she witnessed um, what my mother would say. She witnessed it. I had to hold her back!
But uh, yea. And it's funny because you can live with people, people always think that,
uh, well, a lot of people think that, a lot of people that I know think that siblings
should be very close. They should know everything about each other. And they think they know
everything about each other just because they live together. But they don't know ***. They
don't know ***. Some siblings are close. Some siblings are not close. And um, they
know aspects about your personality but they don't know your experiences. So there's no
freaking way that um, they are going to know you as much as a best friend knows you. It's
just...you open up to certain people in your life it has nothing to do with being a relative.
So I just want to put that out there. Um, so yea, so I had her. And honestly thanks
to her I'm still here. It's because of her. And some other people in my life who I will
mention. Um, but at that age she was my stability. She kept me stable enough to move on with
my life. Um, and I want to say thank you to her. Um, so yea, I don't know what my mother
went through in her life that caused her to have that kind of view of people but I'm guessing
it's a general view because I know a lot of people who are like that. And you probably
know a lot of people who are like that as well. Just looking at magazines and *** it's....and
I never look at magazines. It's just pointless looking at magazines. Unless it's Game Informer
and this is not a commercial. But yea, um, so I binged and purged starting at 16 went
on through high school um, all the way to college. Uh, college I was, I, once I got
to college I stopped. I didn't get any help from anyone. I wasn't seeing a therapist.
I wanted to. That would have been awesome. And I should have. Um, but I didn't. And I
should have been seeing someone since middle school. Um, the only person who threatened
to get me help was um, my best friend. And I say threatened because that's what you feel
when offers that. Not really offers that, but when someone suggests that. You feel threatened,
um, when you're in that position. Um, but they're doing it out of love. They're doing
it because they actually care. People who don't do that, don't give a ***. I'll tell
you right now. Or they just don't know how to deal or they have some kind of weird perspective
that just because you need help you're complete failure. Or you're doing this to yourself
so you must not care about life. That's ***. I'm here to tell you that's ***. Um,
you go through things like this and if you know someone who is going through stuff like
that, give them the help they need. Whether or not they're going to hate you for it, eventually
they will love you for it. Um, so don't, if you know someone who is suffering internally,
don't just write them off because you think they're just hurting themselves. Cause they
deserve it. They're hurting themselves so why the *** should I care? That's ***.
It's so ***. It's a cop out. If you love someone you're gonna be there for them no
matter what. So yea, once I got to college I stopped cold turkey. Um, I think it was
because I was able to find some kind of um, support in my environment. Because when I
was in high school, when I was I was in middle school living in my house, I was in a toxic
environment. I was already a hormonal teenager. I didn't need the extra baggage that came
from other peoples problems within my own household. And um, like divorce for example
and marital problems within your household can have a huge effect on a child. Especially
when they're through something like that. Um, it doesn't help at all. I, I mean actually,
I'm for divorce. I would rather people get divorced than just go through endless ***,
um and lies. It's just, it doesn't help at all. Um, so I was really depressed all the
time. Um, and I was throwing up all the time at night. And I know, now that I think of
it, someone had to have heard me. There were rooms right next to that bathroom. They heard.
And I only know that now. But at that time I didn't think they could. And uh, so yea.
In some cultures, I think it's a cultural thing. I mean, at least, I really do think
it's a cultural thing. If they think you're doing something to yourself like that it's
just very shameful. Um, and so they don't want to bring that *** out, you know? But
they should. And they should, sorry that's my dog. And they shouldn't condemn you for
it. That's another thing, a lot of, if you're a mother or a brother, sister, whatever, if
you know someone who's going through something like that and you want to approach them, don't
approach them in a negative manner. Don't make them feel shameful. Make them feel like
you love them and you care about them. And I know there's a thin line on how you can
express that without coming out like a total ***. Um, there's a really thin line. You're
going to receive a weird reaction no matter how you say it but try to, try to come out
as loving as possible. You know the person you love is going through something horrible...um,
who suffering internally but that you're going to be there for them no matter what, you're
not going to judge them for the decisions or for the impulse they had, um, to go to
that extent. Because it's not something you wish for. It's something that you have a desire
to do. It's something that's, it's an impulse within you that was triggered because of so
many different things. So, try to keep that in mind when you try to talk to someone um,
who's going through that. Because that alone, knowing that, having that perspective will
help, will go so far in helping that person. So I'm probably gonna make this a 2 parter,
3 parter, I don't know because it's a lot to take in one dose, I know. And um, I'm probably
gonna lose light eventually so, uh. Let me lighten the mood. Come on Bear, come on. Sorry,
I'm trying to grab him. There, I've lightened the mood. I've lightened it, tenfold. Right
Berry? Right? So yea, um, I'd have to say college was very helpful. Um, once I removed
myself from an environment that was really causing a lot of depression, um, my life changed
drastically. Um, and I also have to say during middle school, high school um, and college
one of the biggest contributors to my health was um, my music. I used my music as therapy.
That was, it was so essential to my well being. Um, you can't just keep all that *** in.
You gotta put it somewhere and I used music. That was my way, that was my therapy. Um,
you can tell if you listen to my stuff, you can tell that it's, everything's like extremely
personal and um, in your face. And, I don't hold back at anything. You can, when you listen
to it you can tell what I was going through. And um, it helped a lot. And a lot of people
ask me, "so how come you don't do a lot of music now?" Well, there's a reason to that
too. It's because I don't feel that way anymore. I'm not in the thick of it. I'm not in that
***. I'm not in turmoil. And that, all that stuff is what made me write. All that stuff
is stuff I need to get out. I don't have that anymore. I have this. I have this dog. I have,
I have happiness. And I want to let those people out there who are going through what
I went through to know that it's possible to get everything that you want. To know that
it's possible to overcome um, bulimia. To know that you don't have to be labeled for
the rest of your life as a bulimic just because you went through all those things. Um, you
can make it through. And you can have everything you want. You just have to work at it. You
have to really try. Um, the one thing I do regret is not, not getting the help I needed.
The one thing I regret is that no one else gave me the help I needed. Um, you do need
to see someone. You do need to speak to someone. I, I, all I had was my music, my friend, my
best friend and um, later on my boyfriend now husband. Um, he really helped me out.
When I met him in college his positivity was addictive. It was incredible. Um, he was another
person who threatened, who threatened, who said, "we need to get you help." And through
his positivity, through his, I learned to view, slowly but surely, it took a long time
but I learned to view uh, life in his eyes. And um, to go from a really negative environment
to a extremely positive um, environment that drastic change can help you change if you,
if you throw yourself in it. Don't constantly try to fight it. Once you throw yourself in
it, it helps. I mean, I love him so much. It's thanks to him that I've changed so much.
I see life differently. I used to see life so negatively. I mean I thought it was beautiful
but I still thought it was a piece of ***. And now I don't see it that way. And um, I
mean it's part of aging too. But not everybody that ages learns. Not everyone that ages is
wise. Not everyone that ages grows in any way. You have to actually make yourself. You
have to make yourself do it. Berry don't go. Don't go Berry. Stay here. Stay here. So yea,
um, and yea, thanks to him, who said it? One of my online friends calls him Alec Baldwin.
Or was it Alec Baldwin? I don't know, a Baldwin brother. I don't know. Thanks to my Baldwin,
he's a, he's done a lot for me. And um, yea. There's still so much to tell. I just don't
want to mush it all up. It's a lot of stuff to dissect. It's a lot of stuff to go through.
Um, I do want to talk about my mother again. Um, and I do want to talk about my little
experiments in middle school. Um and how I found out how people are so ridiculous. Especially
in high school and middle school. It's ridiculous. Um, and I do want to go through um, the harder
stuff um, not in full description but, the emotions you go through so people who know,
who have loved ones who are going through these kinds of things, um, know, can, can
get a better feeling of what that person is going through. Um, because it's not easy to
describe and you should be aware of what that person is going through. The other thing I
want to leave with you guys right now is that, if you are a parent and you want your child
to lose weight, if they are actually in need of losing weight, um, put your words in proper
order. Don't, don't be negative. Um, in fact you don't even have to say anything. Just
spend time with them. Say, "let's go on a hike!" You know, start at an early age. Start
at a very early age. Have some continuity unlike this video. Um, do stuff with them
that makes them active at an early age. And, and, at an early age get them used to good
foods, to eating healthy. Um, if you're a parent and you're already passed that point
and you can't, you have a teenager who's like, "I'm not doing *** with you." I can understand
how that could be harder. But that's where conversation comes to play. That's where you
need to be more vocal. But if you're just starting off, if you just had a kid, keep
in mind um, don't, don't say, "go on a diet." No. Don't go on a diet, don't go on a stupid
fad diet just start, teach them how to eat healthy. Teach them. Have fun with them. Go
out with them. Do things with them that are active. I guarantee you it will stick. My
husband, he was raised that way. He was raised on a farm. He was raised arounds positive
environment with positive people with very active people. And look at him. It's thanks
to him that I'm like this now. It's thanks to him that I'm positive now. So, it does
work. Um, so that's one thing I want to leave you guys with right now. But I will go through
more stuff later on. Um, yea...uh, I know some people are not gonna like that I made
this video and that I'm going to make more of them. But um, I think it's really important
for me to put it out there. I mean I've already put it out there in my music but I guess you
know, people write about things they don't experience as well. Some of those things you
have to really dig in to understand. But, this way ...I want to clarify things. And
um, yea. So, I'll see you guys next time. And uh, expect the same kind of video. Bye
guys!