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Is man monogamous? When I ask that question,
I mean "man." It's bouncing around the internet right now
that men -- specifically males -- are not hard-wired to be monogamous.
Some people say they've studied males of all species -- all animal species, not just
humans --
and come up with the conclusion that males, specifically,
are hard-wired to not be monogamous because they're supposed to be out there
procreating.
I've had people come in my office for psychotherapy and say
"you know what? I think I want a divorce -- not because there's anything really wrong
with my wife --
it's just that I feel like men should be, every few years, with a different woman."
This is not a new idea. Back in 1972,
a couple by the name of the O'Neills wrote a book called "Open Marriage."
They espoused this idea that marriage should be open -- it's a dysfunctional
institution --
and men should be able to have as many *** partners as they can because they
are hardwired, in their genes, to be that way.
Well, in 1977 Nina O'Neill wrote another book and said
"you know what? Actually fidelity IS an important part
of marriage, and the couples who followed our earlier advice --
even the best of them -- only made it a couple of years."
So the question is the wrong question: "Is man
basically monogamous?" is the wrong question. The question is
"How should men -- and women -- be monogamous?"
Yes -- we should be monogamous, but how do we
do it? This is the important question. Okay: I'm gonna give you three tips
for how to have a healthy monogamous relationship. The first thing you need is
empathy.
Empathy is not sympathy, empathy is not feeling sorry for the other person,
empathy is not even identifying with the other person -- "hey I know how you feel."
Empathy is the capacity for understanding.
Empathy means I have put myself in that person's shoes,
and I really know how they're feeling -- I really understand -- on an emotional level --
this other person,
not just an intellectual level. Empathy is number one.
Number two is a healthy level of closeness.
Now we all have a different level of closeness:
it's the way you were raised, it's your personality, all those things go into
determining how much closeness you need.
Some people need to be enmeshed -- that's not healthy, that's too close.
Some people need to be really distant from each other;
that's not healthy -- that's too far apart. You need to have a moderate level of
closeness
where you admire the other person -- you don't need to be the other person --
but you need to be with the other person at least a good portion of the time.
You need to be able to be apart but also be able to be together
and have a healthy level of closeness and admiration.
The third thing you need of course is love.
And what do I mean by love? We say we love hot dogs, we love our mothers, we love our
spouses, we love rock music...
but in this context i mean a love
that chooses to serve the other and has the other's
interests ahead of my own. That's the kind of
"agape" love -- as Jesus calls it -- the kind of love:
that selfless love, the love that puts the other person's
interests above your own. And if I have
the ability to understand the other person, have a healthy level of closeness
and admiration for the other person,
then I'm going to have the ability to love them in a selfless way
which means serve them and be served by them,
in the healthiest of all possible ways. Now if you're having trouble
putting together any of these three things in your monogamous relationship,
don't be afraid to ask for help. Good marriage counseling does this:
it teachers you those three things so that you can learn how to have healthy
monogamy in your life.
Yes -- you are hard-wired to have healthy monogamy,
not unhealthy monogamy. People who have healthy monogamous relationships
have fewer physical problems, they live longer,
and they're happier people. At the end of your life
the thing that will determine your happiness more than anything else --
it's not wealth, it's not circumstances, it's not even health --
it's the quality of your relationships. So if you have
the capacity to have healthy monogamy in your life -- healthy closeness,
healthy understanding, healthy love -- you're gonna live a longer and healthier
life.
I'm delighted to be able to tell you
that my book "Jesus: The Greatest Therapist Who Ever Lived"
is now approaching two million copies sold worldwide.
This book is a psychological look about the teachings of Jesus.
We all know his spiritual message -- which is what he came
to tell us about -- but what most of us don't know is that, embedded in his teachings,
are bits of psychological wisdom that are brilliant
for how to conduct our emotional lives today. If you want to read more
about the integration of psychology and the teaching of Jesus, you'll be able to
get a copy and judge for yourself: Is he the greatest
psychologist who ever lived? I think so.