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♪ 'Inside of me there are two wolves ♪
♪ image of good and image of evil. ♪
♪ They are fighting with ♪ ♪ each other all the time ♪
♪ The winner is the one I feed'. ♪
The Two Wolves
EPISODE 7 ANEW
I don't think I want to talk about it at all
because whenever and wherever
somebody tries to talk about suffering,
explain what it is about, it's simply a kind of impertinence.
It is an impertinence even if
you experience suffering by yourself.
I don't mean that somebody who do not suffer
has no right to speak.
Generally, an attempt to aproach suffering and to authenticate it
is always some sort on impertinence.
It's hard to think of Job
particularly the very beginning of his story - where we can see a picture,
it is only a picture but says a lot,
the picture of God talking with Satan
about Job to be afflicted by suffering.
I'm aware it's only a picture and God does not do such things,
I know it's only a teaching story.
There is something amazing about understanding where it comes from.
Today I would like to talk
only about one kind of suffering.
It won't be addressed to everyone who suffers.
It will never be constructed in such a way so that it applies to all.
Today I would like to talk about suffering which is a result of some mistakes,
when it's of somebody's fault.
And this is because only this sort of suffering am I able to talk about.
This line of thinking comes from the story of Job exactly
because I really like the ending of it.
So what's written in the Book of Job is that
when he had overcome all his doubts and difficulties
eventually meeting God,
and had tried to grasp the meaning of his suffering
then God returned everything to him.
He gave him new sons, new daughters, new wife, new properties
and everything anew.
Obviously, it's not that he took away his children and then gave him new ones.
I've got the impression that this story
says about the Job's whole suffering process
which happend to show him a different viewpoint on what he had before.
This story shows that Job,
even though he was a rightful man,
was not able to love his children
and only different perspective could change things.
Since he had to start anew
he hadn't been able to use it properly earlier.
I think it is only one version of this story.
Sometimes suffering comes from the fact
that we've got too small hearts and need to heal them,
that we need to be taught love.
This suffering, not sent by God
but used by Him, has its aim.
This suffering wouldn't exist
if we loved more,
if we were not egoists,
if we didn't attract it by our own.
Later it bocomes our healing, showing us the new perspective.
While recording this retreat I've heard from the cameraman
that the picture is not sharp.
This sharpness of looking at life, the way it really is, poses a great challenge.
People often say: 'I wear a cross. I have got a cross'
but when they touch this cross it really hurts.
Such a Job's cross experience is extremely difficult
but I recommend it.
Why?
Because all suffering I've gone through - connected with my heart surgery
and other illnesses I have undergone
always led me finally to a reflection on life.
I was so consumed with it that even when I was trying
to hide behind all my desires,
my beloved wife, children, my job,
friends or self-fulfillment
there was always death in my mind and the feeling
that there's no answer to a question of the meaning of life.
And I was coming back to a question:
Does God exist?
Does He exist regarding my suffering?
But it turns out that we may meet God in this suffering.
I remember that I was incredibly rebellious after releasing me from a hospital.
I said: 'If God exists, why did He let me suffer so much?'
I've not killed anybody, nor robbed, nor ***.
I was feeling like a digged up garden
but garden in such a state is perfect to sow something in it.
Then I came across some religion-oriented meetings which were focused,
among others, on Job.
And it met with a favourable response.
I saw Job's story in my story.
I saw the story of Job who got to know God not only theoretically
but he experienced the suffering.
When I see somebody's suffering
I wouldn't like to be in one's position but I'm sure it will cause good in the end.
When my oldest daughter was struggling with a cancer,
when her hair and eyelashes were falling out
and she was all swollen - she was fighting for life.
She was only 18. She had a dream she would make her eighteenth-birthday party
to invite friends, to smoke, to drink a wine because now she can.
In fact, she spends this day in the hospital taking chemo.
Then she told me something as important as Job
who said, when he was scratching himself,
that earlier he had only heard of God but only now his eyes saw Him'.
My daughter told me the same.
'You know, dad, I was praying, but now I don't know to whom.
I'm not even sure if it was a prayer.
Today, when I suffer there's only hope left
and the relationship with God. Even when I talk to you, dad,
it's hard for me to understand that you undersand me,
that you know what I'm going through'.
She said: 'This cancer has led me to Lord God'.
And indeed, the responses she received were very serious.
As she was under chemotherapy she had a very poor immunity
which meant her contact with others was really restricted.
Every infection, every catarrh could cause a death.
That was a time when she really desired to take part in the Easter vigil.
In our community we always celebrate Easter time in a special way -
there's an all-night vigil, there are baptism ceremonies, beautiful readings,
songs, everyone's dressed well...
we live from Easter to Easter.
Unfortunately, she was not able to participate
because she was on the cancer ward.
But she asked: 'How many immunity points do I need to go out?'
Doctors said: 'It's impossible. Forget about it.'
'But how many?'
'At least seven points'.
Then she started to pray and she reached ten points.
She celebrated Easter sitting on a deckchair under a thick blanket.
The doctors couldn't believe that her immunity increased so dramatically.
Being under chemotherapy, the immunity is around 1 which means an isolation ward
because everything threatens one's life.
Meanwhile, her prayer was answered and she knew God was effective.
She knew she met God in her suffering.
I don't know why I am speaking of her - maybe it's just easier
than talking about my own suffering.
You will find God in your suffering
and you will find life.
There was nothing about the wolf!
I have no idea where to put him.
Does the Good Wolf suffer?
For sure he suffers when he sees the evil wolf triumphing.
When I look at my history of the suffering and tragedies which touched me
they were never very serious.
However, 'serious' means something different for each of us.
They always struck me as being the most tragic scenario,
as something I could't get out of.
Today it is clear for me that all of them were the result
merely of my egoism.
They wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been a complete, damn egoist
who is taught by God how to love.
Maybe some disaster is touching you
maybe you've got a tough family member and it's hard to love them,
maybe somebody has abandoned you or your marriage broke down,
maybe you're in a relationship which lacks love.
I don't want to ease the situation
and say: 'It's all right'.
But ask yourself: Maybe God is teaching you how to love?
Maybe for God it's the only possible way to tear your heart
out of your egocetric world.
Please, don't think I want to accuse you of anything. I'm talking about myself.
My heart is a master of egoism and I know
that all suffering I have encountered
is not enough to tear my heart out of it.
The only answer to questions: 'Where suffering come from?'
'Where evil come from?' 'How to find the meaning of it?'
is what God is trying to do -
He desperately tries to teach me how to love,
how to purify my heart.
and because I was stupid enough there was only one solution.
It doesn't mean the suffering is easier then
and that I like it. No.
But if it does have a purpose, if it's to make us better people
then go for it.
Ask yourself a question
if by any chance this suffering is afflicting you purposefully.
I don't know what's the answer because it's not the story about everybody
but maybe it is applicable to you.
And that's the purpose.
Maybe here will you find the purpose of the suffering you're going through.
producers
media partners
special thanks
produced by STACJA 7 recorded and edited by Marcin Jończyk
English subtitles by Barbara Salawa