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(electrical buzzing)
(snoring)
Oh, for the love of...
Huh?
(*** gun)
(groans)
(sighs)
Ah, Halloween:
the one night when we can walk the streets undetected.
Hey, lame-os.
Turner Classic Movies called.
They want their costumes back.
(taunting laughter)
We lame-os?
I have a remedy for our predicament.
Into this costumery.
(sinister laugh)
Yeah?
(gasps)
Oh.
(party music playing)
(doorbell rings)
(grunting)
Friends of Homer's?
They're not my friends.
We brought a bottle of ***.
Boooooze!
Come in! Come in!
(grunts)
(owl hooting)
(chuckling)
Mmm.
Good!
Beer good.
You good.
(both moan)
(doorbell rings)
(gasps)
(all scream)
You said you were going out to kill children tonight.
We were,
then we bumped into our old friend, the-the-the--
my man here!
You'll be sucking your own blood tonight.
Let's get 'em, girls!
(monsters groaning)
Bad Wolf!
(whining)
Bad!
Lighten up, ladies.
It's not cheating when you're wearing a costume!
(screams): Not the face!
Captioning sponsored by 20TH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY,
and brought to you by FORD. Drive One.
It's time to announce my choice to represent our class
at the National Reading Roundup.
(chuckling): Here it comes.
My choice is... Hubert Wong!
(applause)
Wha...?
Hooray for Different-Face!
Congratulations, Hubert.
Or should I congratulate your tutor:
Amelia, at the Homework Factory!
Your victory is tainted!
Asterisk! Asterisk!
Lisa,
don't take it personally.
I barely spent any time on this decision.
Asterisk! Asterisk!
Asterisk!
Lisa Simpson in detention?!
My horoscope told me I'd see something interesting today,
but I thought that meant the horoscope itself!
Stupid Miss Hoover.
(grumbling)
I heard about your run-in with Hoover.
Aren't teachers the worst?
I don't want to talk about it.
Listen, you're a smart kid.
I bet you like ideas.
I do.
Well, I just had a whopper!
What if you got revenge on Krabappel for me,
and I got revenge on Hoover for you?
Crisscross!
Interesting.
With no obvious motive, no one would suspect us.
Exactly! Crisscross!
Do we have a deal?
Thanks,
but I'll pass.
If I say "crisscross" one more time,
will that change your mind?
Listen,
you're a persistent fellow, but I...
Crisscross!
I'm in.
♪ ♪
Bart, have you established your alibi?
Yep. I'm at the tennis match.
And people will remember you were there?
I'm pretty sure they will.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
(doorbell rings)
Hello?
Hello? Oh!
I've been ding-***-ditched!
(sinister chuckle)
Crisscross.
(cackles)
You should've seen the look on Krabappel's face!
And you should've seen the look on Hoover's face.
In fact,
here it is.
(gasps)
You killed her?
Right. Like we agreed.
I never said "kill"!
Yeah, 'cause you're smart.
You don't say "kill," you say "prank."
Like Mom and Dad say "snuggle"
when what they really mean is
"let's lock the door and hug."
Well, I didn't kill Mrs. Krabappel!
So, all you did was ring her doorbell and run?
Yeah, ding-***-ditch!
"Ding-***-ditch" means you kill her,
then you throw into a ditch.g
Geez, pick up a book.
You're a monster!
A deal's a deal, little sister.
Tomorrow after school, go to her house and t.p. her.
That's it? Just t.p. her?
Yeah, torture and pulverize her.
Then ding-***-ditch the body and we're even.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
(rhythmic chopping)
Oh, Lisa!
Come hold this blade so it doesn't slice through my neck.
Come on.
I trust you completely.
Slice her like a bagel!
Ah, got it!
Thanks, Lisa.
Last thing I want is to be sliced in two--
you know, like a bagel.
(water running)
(gasps)
Bart?
I've been waiting for you...
and trying to figure out how girls pee.
Sorry, Bart, I couldn't do it!
There's got to be another way.
What if I gave you homework help?
I won't give you the answers,
but I'll give you the tools to find the answers yourself.
No dice.
Either take care of Krabappel,
or Groundskeeper Willie will say he saw you kill Miss Hoover.
Why would Willie do that?
Let's just say...
he owes me a favor.
(screams)
Crisscross!
Like the plaid on me kilt!
You're not wearing a kilt.
Uh-oh.
All right, Bart.
I guess I have no choice.
I have to kill...
you!
(screams)
♪ ♪
(bells ringing)
KIDS: Ice cream!
(kids cheering)
(merry-go-round squeaking)
(growling)
(screams)
Go ahead, do it.
You're no different from me.
We're made from the same dinna.
It's pronounced D-N-A, you idiot.
And we are not the same.
I am not a murderer, and I never will be!
(groans)
(gasping)
(applause)
Well done, Lisa!
It was an accident, I swear!
Sure. An accident.
Ha!
Ay carumba, you little snot.
♪ ♪
I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch
of the highly anticipated "Burger Squared."
Krusty, what can you tell us
about this fantastic new sandwich?
I'm glad you asked, Kent.
We start
with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows,
then kill them and serve the unholy results
on a seven-grain bun.
Burger Squared!
The math checks out!
Cows eating cows?!
That's an abomination!
Now, Lisa,
you're a vegetarian,
but these cows have made a different choice.
And now, this lucky reporter will be the first human
to sample this delicious crime against nature.
Mmm.
Juicy, flavorful,
with just a hint of...
(angry zombie snarl)
Hey!
That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid...
(enraged zombie roar)
(screaming)
(roaring)
(people screaming)
(all roaring)
A little tip: you might want to wash me before you eat me.
(roaring)
Thank you.
The munchers got Moe!
Well, we're not going out to help him.
We have no idea what hideous creatures might be out there!
(pounding window)
Please, let me in!
How do I know you're not a muncher?
I'm your father and I need your help!
I can't make sense of that muncher talk!
(ferocious snarls)
(Grampa screaming)
(munching)
(body thuds, screaming stops)
(dog howling)
Hungry.
So hungry.
There's nothing to eat.
Except this.
There's gotta be something yummy out there.
(electrical buzzing)
(roaring)
(gasps)
A hamburger!
(grunting)
(humming)
(munching)
(chomping, belching)
(gasps)
Bart ate a tainted burger!
I'll bash him with this book!
(grunts)
(screams)
Dad!
No! That's the last book in the world!
Really?
Yes! It's-- oh.
Go ahead.
Wait!
The burger didn't change me!
I'm not a muncher!
Oh, my God.
If Bart could eat the burger and survive,
then maybe he can yield the key to an anti-muncher vaccine!
(gagging)
Then we must keep this boy safe from harm!
Better call Dr. Hibbert.
(grunting)
(groaning)
(sighing)
Well, I suppose Bart could be immune--
(roaring)
a genetic "chosen one," if you will.
(chuckles)
If so, secrets locked
within his blood could be the key to saving humanity.
You must get him immediately
to the safe zone, just outside of town.
If you see my wife, tell her I love her.
You mean tell her I love her?
Or I meaning you?
(screaming)
(dial tone droning)
Mm, I'll just high-five her.
(door creaking)
(whispering): Now remember, no loud noises.
(door squeaks open)
Oh, man, that breeze feels good!
(munchers growling, Homer and Bart scream)
(whimpering)
To the panic room!
We don't have a panic room!
To the panic room store!
(munchers growling)
(muncher Grampa growling)
(two gunshots)
(à la Terminator): Come with me if you want to live.
(growling)
Another politician who can't keep his promises.
APU: Psst!
This way.
Well, this day can't get any crazier.
(munchers clamoring, growling)
(engine revving)
Apu, how did you survive?
Well, as a vegetarian,
I did not consume any tainted burgers,
and as a convenience store owner, I am armed to the teeth.
We need windows, too!
(tires squealing)
(growling)
(growling)
(glass shattering)
Shoot her!
(gun cocking)
I can't shoot her.
She's Lisa's godmother.
You can apologize in hell!
I guess I could.
(gunshot, groans)
(engine revving)
(yelling)
(crash)
Hmm?
What the...?
(sighs)
I will get out and push.
No matter what, Bart must make it to the safe zone.
(growling)
(grunting)
(engine revving)
That was so noble of Apu to give his life for us.
Where are you going?!
You were supposed to stop at the bottom and wait for me!
(munchers growling)
(jeep sputtering)
I don't see the safe zone anywhere.
Let's play a game.
Who gets to carry the chosen one?
Ow!
Aw, did the chosen one hurt his chosen little noggin?
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Quit it. Ow!
Quit it!
(flies buzzing)
Well, well, well.
Who's an unproductive worker now?
Got your nose.
(laughs)
(shrieks) Why you...
(grunts)
(growls)
(growling)
Homie, where have you been?
(jabbering)
Dad, are you becoming a muncher?
I think the better brains is, are you brains a brains?
(growling)
Where do you want it, the mouth or the eyes?
Ooh, mouth.
Eyes it is.
No! When we get you to the safe zone,
we can cure your father!
Safe zone?
You really think there's a safe zone?
(cackling)
Well, you're right. It's right over there.
(all clamoring )
(shotgun blast)
Let us in.
We have the chosen one!
CROWD: Oh...!
Welcome, son.
To survive, all we must do is eat your flesh.
MARGE: Hold it right there, bub.
What kind of civilized people eat the body
and blood of their savior?
(uneasy murmur)
There must be another way.
Hmm...
(kids shouting playfully)
LISA: Time has passed.
Children play in the streets.
At night, there is music and laughter.
And all we had to do was let Bart take a bath in our food.
Hey, Lis, want some soup?
(sneaky chuckle)
(sighs)
Mm-hmm.
(moaning)
♪ Oh, why can't no girl love a guy with this mug ♪
♪ Whose mother declared you're too ugly to hug? ♪
How's about pouring me a beer, ugly?
How about some of my new microbrew?
Must be another mouse in the pipe.
Let's see if this cobra solves it.
(hissing)
Nothing.
Huh.
♪ Just once I wish cupid would draw back his bow ♪
♪ And shoot me a cutie whose standards are low... ♪
(whoops) An unattended tap!
Like taking beer from a baby!
♪ I'm unlucky in love, I'm unlucky in luck... ♪
(Homer screams)
Oh!
Oh, my God, Homer!
Just try to relax.
Okay, don't relax! Don't relax!
Oh, Marge, the most awful thing just happened!
What is it, Moe?
Um...
She's so beautiful, it makes my heart take wing!
Look at me!
I can fl... Ow! Ow! Aah!
(groans)
(sighs)
(grunts)
Um, Marge, Homer, uh, just ran out
saying he don't love you, and he never did.
He what?!
HOMER: Help me!
That, uh... that's me.
I've been taking ventriloquism lessons.
(laughs)
HOMER: Help me or kill me!
Huh? Huh!
Now, let Dr. Moe cure what ails you.
There's something odd about this beer.
(gasps)
♪ It tastes like cuddling ♪
♪ It tastes like clean clothes ♪
♪ It tastes like hot steaming cocoa mixed with rainbows... ♪
It does?
♪ Full-bodied ♪
♪ Full-blooded ♪
♪ It's such a lovely blend ♪
♪ It's jolly, it's loyal, like drinking your best friend! ♪
♪ I stopped my crying ♪
♪ Why, I don't know ♪
♪ But this rosy, cozy, bubbles-in-my-nose-y ♪
♪ Makes me wanna have... Mo'! ♪
(applause, cheering and whistling)
This is the best musical in light years.
Light years measure distance, not time.
You know what I meant.
(orchestra plays)
So, Marge, uh, Homer's been gone a whole week, huh?
Ooh, in an unrelated matter, I just put on cologne
and shaved my knuckles.
I'm still hoping Homie will come back.
Marge, I've got some bad news to give you.
It's a letter from Homer on my stationery
in my handwriting,
using my idioms and speech patterns.
And it begins, "Dear Midge:
"you probably hate me by now,
"and if you don't, what's wrong which youse?
"But don't give up on men.
Bart, Linda and the other one there need a dad."
That does sound like Homer.
"The reason I left you is simple."
"I'm gay."?!
Yeah, read on. It gets gayer.
(talk-sings): ♪ While turning gay the other day ♪
♪ A thought occurred to me ♪
♪ I'd like to try most every guy from here to Timbuk-tee ♪
(singing): ♪ Oh, there's so many men around the world ♪
♪ Of every shape and size ♪
♪ I want to nibble on Jamaican jerks and teriyaki thighs ♪
♪ I want to French-kiss a Frenchman ♪
♪ And spoon an English duke ♪
♪ 'Cause frankly, dear ♪
♪ To not be *** just makes me want to puke ♪
♪ So find yourself a man who'll want you in the sack ♪
♪ I recommend our dear old friend ♪
♪ Bartender Moe Szyslak! ♪
♪ Letters don't lie! ♪
So, what do think, Marge?
Will you give Moe a throw?
Hmm, well...
Maybe you need a little more milk of amnesia.
Dang, I'm missing the secret ingredient.
Uh, let me squeeze some more out of the secret ingredient bag.
(laughs) Uh-oh.
Looks like I got to wing it a little bit here.
The other day, I ran into an Irishman.
(with Irish accent): Oh, really?
No, O'Reilly.
(laughs, clears throat)
Oh, uh, I see we're, uh, back in business.
(groaning)
Now, a little more hemoglobin, and your wife will be disrobin'.
(grunts)
(groans)
(phone ringing)
I can't talk now.
I'm watching a play.
You want how much for a radiator?
Is that new or rebuilt?
(laughs)
There.
Oh. Oh. Oh, my God, I've never felt so...
uncreeped-out by you!
Marge, I loves youse.
Will youse be mines?
I guess it is time to move on.
MOE: Before you do, I just got to warn you, Marge.
♪ My taste for romance is kinda perverse ♪
♪ I can only make love in the back of a hearse ♪
♪ Plus I gotta be dressed as a Civil War nurse ♪
♪ And then when I'm finished, I'll go through your purse ♪
♪ But you could do worse ♪
♪ I could do worse ♪
♪ We're proof that you ♪
MOE: ♪ You could do worse ♪ MARGE: ♪ I could do worse ♪
♪ She couldn't possibly do worse! ♪
(grunting)
Homer, does this mean you still love me?
Of course I do, Marge.
Can you still love a man who's half-beer?
I always have.
To love!
(both sigh)
(to Simpsons theme): ♪ We hope you enjoyed this year's Halloween show ♪
♪ Treehouse of Horror, number XX! ♪
Shh!
(snoring)
Captioned by access.wgbh.org oup at WGBH
(screams)