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never found out
why you left him
but this answer
begs that question
too blind to see tomorrow
too broke to beg or borrow
span the distance
bridge the border
beg forgiveness
round the corner again
one more point
of contention
I need some intervention
approaching
failing tensions
Are you sure you don't wanna go to my room?
No. Why?
My roommate's already moved out.
We'll be all alone.
All right.
The door is locked.
Okay, Jim, relax. Relax.
Okay, yeah, sure.
No strings attached, okay?
It's just friendly good-bye sex.
Yeah, right. Right,
right, right, right.
Uh, yeah, but you see,
it's just that, um,
We've never even had
friendly hello sex.
So do you not wanna do this?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, I do. Yeah.
No, I definitely do.
Uh, it's just that,
You see, this is actually
my first time.
Well, not my first.
It's my first time,
Uh, since my...
First time.
So, technically,
that's my second time.
And I-- I don't--
I don't wanna suck at it.
So if I'm not up to par,
performance-wise--
Jim, this isn't exactly
a turn-on.
I mean, girls like a guy
with confidence.
Hey, I'm confident.
Oh, I am-- I'm absolutely,
totally confident.
Oh?
Yeah.
Let's get naked.
Okay.
Seems like just yesterday
my dad picked me up after my first year at college.
- Mm-hmm.
- We popped a couple of beers,
And he said,
"now, you're a man."
And today I get to say
the same thing to my son.
Honey, your speeches
embarrass him.
So, try and do what the kids
say, and just... Be cool.
I think I bring new meaning
to the word "cool," honey.
That's his dormitory
up ahead.
Turn over.
Okay.
Ow.
Can't bring alcohol in the dorms.
Oh, uh, good.
Thank you, uh, Matt.
I'm just here to surprise my son Jim.
Now pin my leg up.
What?
Pin my leg up,
like this.
Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.
Maybe you can help
me out, you know.
Okay.
Is that the one?
No. There!
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Oh, oh, oh, okay!
Now I remember.
I didn't do this for you.
Thanks, dude.
Where's my big guy?
Oh, my god!
Oh, no.
Hey--
- Jesus!
- Jim, we got here a little early.
- Dad, get out!
- I'll wait in the car.
Go, dad!
Oh, my-- geez.
Was that your dad?
Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
- For your own edification,
Son, I just--
I'm not embarrassed.
- I am!
- It's a perfectly normal thing for two--
- Dad, what are you doing?
- This is human nature. Human nature at its best.
Son, everybody does it.
Your mother and I-- well, not so much anymore.
Got your favorite.
Oh, my god! They're ***!
- No! No!
- Honey, honey, listen. No, no. I'm gonna take her--
Please just go!
Actually, if you wouldn't mind.
Honey-- I'll take her
to the car.
Hi, Mama.
What?
- Natalie!
- I'm Jim's dad.
You must be the parents
of this young lady.
I'm sorry I didn't get her name,
but hopefully my son did,
Because I have not been
here the whole time.
Natalie, get dressed!
- Beer?
- Avert your eyes! Turn around!
Thanks, Jim.
You don't believe in locks? Oh, my god.
more time apart will give you
a few more months to argue
is this too much to live through
it always seemed too far to
drive the point home
send more letters
pray tomorrow
ends up better
Heya, ***.
- Mornin', dude.
- Come on, ozzy. It's show time.
Ozzy, before you go to Ann Arbor to pick up Heather,
I wanna show you what you're missing.
See what they are today, dude.
See what they are today.
Okay, here we go.
Moment of truth.
Ooh!
There's little hearts on her ***!
Super.
There's little hearts on her ***!
Come on, look, you ***. Look.
What the ***, man?
Come on!
I'm disappointed in you. Here
it is, the end of our freshman year and you screwed one girl.
One.
You're a disgrace
to men everywhere.
Look at the Stifmeister.
I got laid 23 times this year,
And I'm not counting
the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.
All right, here's a new idea
for you, Stifler, okay?
You find a girl.
You two become best friends.
You don't bother counting how
many times you have sex with each other.
- You just laugh at the people that do count.
- Here's a new idea for you.
I'll get you a spoon
so you can eat my ***.
Yes! I'm never even gonna think about
political science again.
Hey. How'd you do?
Oh, fine.
Yeah?
I can't believe I'm doing this summer abroad thing.
Last thing I need is more classes.
You're gonna have a great time.
hello, summer!
Did that exam blow or what?
Yeah, it sucked.
Ozzy! Kev, what's up, man?
How are you?
Good. Put your
party hat on.
We got 12 weeks of immortality ahead.
Yes, sir!
Weird.
Ah, the one that got away,
huh, son?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, evidently you two
made quite the handsome couple on the internet.
Oh, I didn't see it.
It, uh, was brought up
at a P.T.A. Meeting.
Anyway, my point is,
These little *** debacles
should not get you down, because you know what?
It happens to the best
of us. In fact,
The first time your mother
and I... Got together,
I used a ***.
Well, she referred to it
as "shrink wrapping."
But I got over it.
Anyway, keep your chin up.
You keep plugging...
And, uh, good things
will happen.
Good to have you home, son.
It's good to be home, dad.
It's gonna be nice to hit
Stifler's tonight after exams.
Did you get through 'em?
There's the mystery man!
Finch, how are you?
Kevin. Konichiwa.
James. Konichiwa. Konichiwa.
It's japanese.
It means "hello."
hello.
- Finch, what happened to latin?
- I met a japanese girl at the art museum.
Changed majors. Wanted to
understand all those things she was moaning.
- You got laid in an art museum?
- The met.
- Oh, and the guggenheim with Francesca.
- The guggenheim?
And then my social-psych
professor in baskin-robbins.
- All right, enough, Finch.
- But I'll tell you, none of these women...
Even compare to--
Stifler's mom.
Stifler's mom is a goddess.
How about some more
of Stifmeister's collegiate concoction?
This thing is like half alcohol.
You're just trying to get me drunk.
Mary, would I do that?
My name's Christy.
Christy, right, right. Beautiful name.
Like it matters.
Hey, how you doing? Hey.
Party-hearty,
***' partners!
Johnny C., how's it going?
Good to see you.
Oh, looks like someone
gained a freshman 15.
This'll help.
You're an ***.
Missed you too.
All right, everybody having a good time?
Ladies.
Fellas! How's it going?
The keg's back there
as always. Enjoy.
Ladies, I'm Steve Stifler,
and I have an 11-inch ***...
Around!
Think about it.
Sherman!
Okay, Stifler,
take your shot. Ha, ha.
Come on, man.
I'm really happy to see you.
All right.
You stupid ***.
Back at Stifler's.
It's just like old times. One difference.
We're college men now.
Some of these girls
are from the grade below us.
I might actually have a chance.
Hey, I remember you.
Oh, do you now?
You're that guy who blew
his load on the internet.
Splat. "oh, wait,
Nadia, don't go." splat.
Pathetic.
Loser.
It's exactly like
old times.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'll miss you.
I'll call you
when I get in, okay?
Go have fun.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
I can't believe
those two girls, Kevin.
Jim, it's not a big deal.
No. Yeah.
They toyed with
my emotions.
Hello. Hello. See?
There's other girls.
How are ya?
You got nothing to worry about, man.
Hey, Jessica's here.
With Vicky.
And Vicky got... Hot!
What's that supposed
to mean?
Look at her.
Yeah, Jim, I see her.
Hey, Kevin.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Vic, how are you?
What's up?
I'm okay.
Yeah, I'm good.
That's good.
It's good to hear. Yeah, you too.
Wow.
Well, this is about as comfortable as
a high colonic in Tijuana.
And I would know.
Okay.
I'm gonna get a drink.
She's right.
Why is this so weird?
Actually, I-I have no idea.
See, I knew it.
I knew you'd be mature about this.
You know, and we could
still be friends, right? Yeah.
I miss you, Kev.
Whoa.
Friends, right?
Yeah, right. I mean, I know you said
friends and I-- I just--
I'm sorry.
I was-- it was just...
An old habit--
a friend kiss.
- Are you sure?
- Vic, why wouldn't I wanna be friends with you?
Look, we'll--
we'll just do this, okay?
Friends.
Friends.
Stifler's mom's room.
How did you do
that magic you did?
Tantra.
What the ***
are you doin' in here?
- Just relax.
- You get out of my house!
Jesus christ!
Come back here, you little ***!
Come back here, you son of a ***!
Take it easy.
Whoa! Hey! Hey!
Easy! Easy! That's enough.
Okay, guys, we went through
this last summer, all right?
Finch got a black eye
and Stifler got six stitches. 'cause you ***' bit me!
- You touch me, I bite.
- You two relax and shake hands.
Shake this!
Hey.
Finch.
I need a drink.
Why is everybody
taking a *** right now?
The line's too long.
I ain't gonna make it, man. You'll be okay. Relax.
Hey, bro. Hey, man,
you're the guy who *** Stifler's mom.
Hey, you are a god.
Holy ***, dude.
If I didn't have to hold my ***
'cause I gotta *** so bad, I would shake your hand.
I'm honored, guys.
Don't leave.
You must teach me.
How? How?
Oh, look what I found,
Christy.
Oh, what a coincidence.
I've been saving this
for a special occasion...
For a special girl,
just like you.
You're so sweet.
That's what they say.
Oh, weird.
Oh, my god.
I spilled some on you.
Maybe I should mop that up.
Thanks.
No problem.
Whoa! Whoa, hey.
Take it slow. Come on.
Right.
You know, they warn us
about these situations in college.
Now, you may be intoxicated.
Oh, yeah.
Are you certain that you
wish to engage in consenting--
Hey, don't count
your chickens, buster.
I'm just playing by the rules, baby.
I make the rules.
That's a pretty good
*** rule.
Dude, the line's too long.
I'll never make it.
It's gotta happen now.
Get my back. Go, bro.
Clamp it off.
Hello.
Oh, Laurie. How are you?
Hey. How are you?
Hi, Laurie.
- Good. I'm really good.
- How 'bout I give you a little champagne?
- Why don't you go downstairs and get us a couple beers?
- I've got a surprise for you.
Close your eyes and get ready.
Oh, I'm ready.
You want a beer?
Yeah, all right.
Mmm.
Okay, go.
This is kind of ***,
and I like that.
Ohhh! That's it.
Bathe the Stifmeister.
Oh, that's great!
Oh, that's great.
How did you get it
so nice and warm?
I can taste the bubbles.
Actually, I can't.
Much better.
Wait a second.
Let's go.
Thanks, man.
Christy?
Oh, ***!
Okay, now,
Do these high school kids
think that we're cool because they're at a college party,
Or are we those weird older guys
that try to hang out with high school kids when we come home?
No way.
We're definitelynot those guys. cops!
- Cops!
- all right!
Break it up.
Party's over.
Let's go.
Ostreicher, Meyers.
- Welcome back.
- Where's Steve Stifler?
I got peed on.
No, man,
Stifler's got shut down.
We can't party
anywhere anymore.
And things are--
Getting weird?
Yeah, a little bit.
First summer back
from college.
Yep, things are gonna
get weirder.
- What are you talkin' about?
- Well, times change, people change.
It's just what happens,
you know.
Kev, listen.
Go into my old room.
My friends and I knew
that it was up to us to stick together.
You remember my first college summer?
We rented that lake house in grand harbor.
We treated every day out there
like it was a post-prom party.
Hell of a time. We capped it
all off with a massive blowout.
Best ever.
It was legendary.
My advice is do that.
By the end of the summer,
You're gonna see
the big picture.
I love adventure
nothing's better to me
She's on the phone.
She's on the phone. It's long distance.
Who?
Nadia! Nadia!
What? New york. She's on-- hello.
Yes, dear, he's right here.
Here. Wait.
Now remember--
Yes, I am sure to go see the lion king.
Right. And don't ride
the subway after midnight. Okay.
I know they've done
wonderful things with that city, but, you know, for me--
- Dad!
- He's right-- hang on.
Hey-- hey, Nadia.
Jim!
How was college?
College was excellent.
Yeah. Yeah, it was--
it was really excellent.
You have not forgotten
about me, have you?
No. I, uh--
absolutely not.
I definitely didn't.
Good, because guess what?
I'm coming to see you
at the end of summer.
I hope you're ready
for me,
Because I have not forgotten
about you either, you sexy boy.
***. Jim, you can
eat hot dogs tomorrow.
No, no, finch,
it's not the hot dogs.
Nadia called me
this morning.
She's coming here at the end of the summer,
and she wants to see me.
- Oh, that's killer.
- Yeah, that's a good thing.
No, not "good thing."
not "killer."
I'll never be able
to do it.
Nadia is gonna be expecting
filet mignon.
Okay, and all I'm gonna
be able to give her...
Is rump roast.
Aw, come on.
Jim, you've had experience since Nadia.
Ah, yes, you would be
referring to...
The flute-fetish band geek
that made me her *** and then ditched me after prom.
Yes, that's great experience.
That's the one.
Ah, you just gotta
find the right girl, Jimbo.
Brings it all together.
I had the right woman.
She just sells her cottage
and takes off to parts unknown.
Oh, my romantic life
has past its peak.
Take me out to the pasture
and shoot me.
Super start to a super summer, fellas.
Welcome home.
Guys, I got it.
Pack your bags.
- For what?
- We're moving to the lake.
We're gonna be the ***.
Everybody on the beach is gonna know us.
Plenty of opportunities
to practice for Nadia.
Throw a huge party at the end
of the summer to cap it all off.
Dude, that's a great idea.
That way we'll be able to welcome heather back,
And we'll be able to prepare
for Nadia's big arrival.
This is it.
This is my summer of love.
Just thought I'd say
good-bye to you animals.
Hey, Mr. Levenstein.
How are you, sir? Hey.
- All packed up I see.
- Yeah, we're all set, dad.
Don't worry, okay?
I'll be fine.
Come on and give
your old man a hug.
- Keep it real, homies.
- You too, sir. Have a good summer.
All right, let's go.
I've been running these numbers
here and I don't think the four of us can afford this place.
- Not on summer jobs.
- Well, I kind of thought of that.
So... I invited someone else.
Oh, yeah! The Stifmeister's
coming back to grand harbor!
Deck the halls!
Bye-bye, great falls!
Wipe my ***
and lick my balls!
It's Stifler time, baby!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Stifler, if you're gonna
be living with us you gotta behave yourself.
All right, you and Finch just
stay out of each other's way.
Kevin, Stifler's stench
is unavoidable.
Finch, fist yourself.
That's right, baby.
We're here.
Yeah, baby, we're here!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
'cause we like having fun
at other people's expenses
cutting people down
is just a minor offense
it's none of your concern
how you shall never learn
I'm sick of being told
to wait my turn
I don't wanna
waste my time
become another casualty
of society
I'll never fall in line
become another victim
of conformity
It's a palace.
It's a temple.
Isn't this great?
Ah, dude.
Are you kidding me?
This just won't do.
I'll do everything
but you're not that way
I'm lost around you
and you'll do everything
with the same old lies
when I can't even try
yeah, you get me high
I'm feeling so low
how far will you
let me go
yeah, you get me high
I'm feeling so low
I'm knocked down
by the vertigo
Guys.
Check this out.
This is it.
I fall behind you
I'll make the same mistakes
with the same old lies
Will you idiots tell me
what this ***'s doin'?
Don't touch me
while I'm tantric.
"tantric"?
What the *** is tantric?
It's a buddhist discipline.
You learn to channel your body's energies--
Your chakras.
When you can do that,
you can have sex for hours, even days.
- And this stuff's for real?
- It's been around for centuries.
With tantra you can make
an entire session of sex...
Feel like one giant ***.
Eventually, you can
sustain that feeling by meditating.
Well, maybe you can teach me sometime?
Very doubtful.
True.
Come on, Jim.
You can't possibly be that bad.
Oh, no?
No way.
Well, I guess there's only
one person that really knows for sure, huh?
Oh, yeah?
Where's she this summer?
Hey, are you here for
the mid-session performance?
Guests go in the amphitheater.
You can't be here.
Do you know where I
could find Michelle Flaherty?
Guests bring food.
Food attracts animals. This one time,
A bear came, and then the bear
had to be destroyed,
Which means they shot it
in the head with a rifle and killed it and it died.
You must know michelle.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
That's a lot of flutes.
Good luck. Thanks.
Good job.
Have fun at your next class.
Hey, Michelle.
Jim. Holy potatoes!
You're really here?
everybody stick together.
Oh, shoot!
We're-- we're not supposed to have visitors,
'cause this one time,
uh... Here,
This kid had these cookies--
Let me guess.
A bear came. Cool.
It's like you know
all our stories.
Oh. Was that a question?
I don't know. Maybe.
Do you wanna answer it anyway?
Michelle, um,
I left you like, uh--
like three messages after prom.
Really?
You didn't think
I was weird because of the way I acted that night?
Weird, no.
Surprising, yes.
I get nasty when I'm ***.
That's kind of
why I'm here.
Um, you remember,
Was I any good...
That-that night?
Oh, wow. Geez.
How could I forget?
You sucked.
You didn't know what the hell you were doing.
But wasn't it fun even though
you were so terrible?
I'm sorry. "terrible"?
I've had worse.
Oh.
Oh, sorry. I--
I-I could give you
some pointers if you want.
Really?
Oh. Oh, shoot. Okay, wait here.
I'll meet you in an hour, okay?
Yeah.
Oh, wait.
Cool idea.
Hey!
- What are you doing?
- Ow!
Ooh. Ooh.
You're all right. Here we go.
You know you're not supposed to be here now.
Everyone's supposed to be in the amphitheater.
All right. Come on.
It's ***-poor to be this late.
I'm very angry right now.
You can tell by the tone of my voice I'm angry.
I'm pissed off is what I am.
Here they are.
Cut 'em off. Go, go.
Wait a minute.
Are you Petey?
Petey?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Petey! Well,
that explains everything.
All right.
Well, it's always something with these kids. Go!
Petey, we are just so thrilled to have you.
None of my kids are at your caliber.
Watch that. But we are just
so overjoyed to have someone with your kind of talent here.
Oh, great.
here you go.
That's great. Oh, look at this.
Your old best friend. Come on. Move.
I know it's not yours,
but you are going to make beautiful music.
Here we go.
This is fantastic. I'm very excited.
You just own this
and break a leg.
All right,
all right.
- What was he doing out wandering around unsupervised?
- Who knows?
I'll tell you something.
I'm about fed up with these tall oaks north kids.
Kids, entertain yourselves.
Play along with Petey.
No, no, no, no, Petey.
Here we go.
All right, all right. Come on, now.
A little encouragement.
Right to this spot.
Folks, he's just
a little nervous.
This isn't right.
Just blow on it, kid.
All right.
Here we go.
Uh--
come on, Petey.
Play!
Do something.
Special, my ***.
Come on. Give the little guy
some support.
Come on, Petey.
You're doing great, partner.
Come on, honey.
You can do it.
Come on, Petey.
Oh, what the hell.
Yeah!
all right!
All right, Petey!
Play it, man! Come on! yeah!
Rock and roll!
Thank you!
Thank you, tall oaks.
You're beautiful.
My name is Petey!
Thank you!
And I have gigantic balls!
I--
- Michelle--
- not now! Come back later. Go!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come back here!
I wanna talk to you!
You are so sweet.
He is... Special.
He's my ***.
Well, Michelle
has confirmed it.
I suck.
What?
I gotta get
some practice.
Don't worry about it.
I mean, that's why we got the house, Jimbo.
We plop a keg on the deck,
and the girls come in off the beach.
It's like
a hummingbird feeder.
You think so?
I know so.
Guaranteed hotties.
Fellas, nice pad.
Good view, but...
The sherminator sensors
detect no female life-forms in the vicinity.
High likelihood of
a sausagefest in progress.
The girls are comin'.
I made some calls.
Yeah.
The Sherminator's
got a point, Kev.
Since when do you
start listening to the Sherminator?
Since he made me realize
there's an abundance of wiener here.
I mean, look around,
dude. Dude?
all right,
now it's your turn.
oh, come on.
There's nothing to tell.
Hey, what's up?
What are you guys talking about?
You know, we're just
trading war stories about college--
Who hooked up with who,
who slept with who--
So, Vicky?
Well, there was this one guy.
How 'bout you?
Oh, you know, there was
a few girls-- three.
Ooh, look at you.
You stud.
All right, Oz.
Now that Kevin told us, what about you?
You haven't had the
slightest bit of attraction to any girl at school?
Don't you ***' say no.
I know you did.
Even if I did,
It wouldn't be anything
more than just a momentary thing.
Very... Uninteresting.
And how about you, Jessica?
- How many chicks did you sleep with this year?
- Gee, wouldn't you like to know.
*** yeah, I would.
- Come on, ozzy.
- Yeah, man. Ball. Pool's yours.
- Hey, Vic, you wanna play?
- Yeah, sure. You wanna break?
What the--
Where are the
***' females?
Jim, can't you leave your shirt on?
You're scaring the chicks away.
Dude, give him a break.
Ozzy, go deep.
Yeah, bro. You playing?
No.
No, no, keep going.
Fly pattern.
- What are you doin'?
- Fishin'.
Are you okay?
- You okay?
- Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Is everybody okay?
- Amazing.
- Yes.
The force is strong
in that one.
Whoa.
The sherminator detects
serious heat at a distance of two meters.
Prepare to deploy beer.
Sherman, dude,
Let me give you a valuable
piece of advice, okay?
Drop the whole
"sherminator" thing.
Please repeat
previous statement.
Look, I know your last name
is Sherman, right?
And that rhymes with the terminator which was
a big hit movie, ten years ago.
But you can't tell me
a girl's ever really gone for it.
System overload.
Hasta la vista, Jessica.
What a freak.
Vic, hey, you guys
are leaving?
You know, we barely had
a chance to hang out, you know, catch up.
Well, what are you doing this weekend?
I can get together.
Cool. Let's hang out.
All right.
Bye, Kev.
See ya, Jess. Bye.
No, no,
that's all wrong.
Thank you.
Have a nice day. Good-bye.
So what does he mean, "meet up"?
You know, like hang out,
Grab lunch, whatever.
I told you, we're just friends now.
And he totally understands.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure
he understands quite well. He does.
Oh, no, sir. These are all wrong for you.
I mean, seriously.
Sure.
Well, we're friends.
But it's not like I see her
making plans with anyone else. Right.
I don't see her with a boyfriend.
I think that puts me on deck.
hey, Vicky only slept with
one guy since we went out.
I mean, that like makes me
50% of her entire guy-related life.
You dipshit.
She didn't sleep with one guy.
She slept with at least three.
- What?
- When a girl tells you how many guys she slept with,
Multiply it by three
and that's the real number.
didn't you *** learn
anything at college?
Kevin Meyers did not sleep
with three girls at Michigan.
But why would he lie to me? It's not a lie.
It's an adjustment. The rule of three.
The rule of what?
Three.
A guy tells you how many girls
he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that.
Take that number and divide it by three.
Then you get the real total.
So, if Kevin's saying it's been three girls,
it's more like one, or none.
- None?
- Rule of three.
It's an exact science,
consistent as gravity.
Oh, my god!
Guys!
Check it out. Lesbians.
Lesbians live here.
You know,
Mr. Homophobic wizard,
That it is possible
for women to hold hands and not be gay.
Friends can hold hands.
Hey, Finch, I don't wanna hear
about you and your boyfriends. Go jerk off.
Unnecessary.
Tantra teaches you to hold
an *** over time...
In anticipation
of an ultimate moment...
To release it
upon the world.
I'm filling up
to the brim.
That's *** disgusting!
Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
- Hello?
- Hey, Heather. You're in!
- Oz!
- How's the studying going?
I'd hardly call it studying.
I've been going
to the picasso museum,
Hanging out at
sagrada familia,
Going with Pierre
to the parc guell.
Hey, who's Pierre?
One of the guys in the program.
He's got a girlfriend back in France,
so we've kind of got something in common.
Ah, that sounds cool.
Yeah, I've overheard them
on the phone at night.
And, uh, well,
it made me think.
Hey, Oz, I'm reaching under my
shirt, and I'm rubbing myself. Oh ho ho ho!
Oz, come on.
It's phone sex. Help me out here.
Okay. Uh--
I'm going over to my bed.
Yeah.
And I'm lying down.
And I'm slowly...
Reaching downstairs.
Grab it. Tell me
how big it is.
Listen, Heather,
I'm feeling kind of awkward. Oz.
If we can't physically be
with each other, then we have to learn to be more vocal.
Right?
Right. Okay.
Okay, here we go.
I'm reaching in my pants now.
And I'm rubbing it
for you, Heather.
And it feels so good.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, yeah.
I got--
Call waiting.
Oh, ***. Hello?
Hey. Hello.
Wrong number.
All right, look, man.
I got my hand on my *** right now, okay,
And I'm trying to have sex
with my girlfriend over the phone.
Emir, good for you, man.
Okay.
Hey.
Sorry about that.
Where were we?
I think you were
reaching for something.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, Heather.
I'm rubbing it and it feels so good.
Hey, Oz, I'm touching myself.
What else do you want me to do?
oh, Heather, baby.
Why don't you tell me
my *** is as big as Stifler's.
- Stifler, get off!
- I am getting off just listening to the two of you.
- Keep going.
- I think we should try this another time.
Yeah, all right.
Bye-bye. I love you.
- I love you.
- Come on, you guys. I was almost there!
- Nice talking with you, Steven.
- Stifler, man!
Repressed.
Check it out.
Potential lesbians
leaving the building.
All right.
Now is my chance.
I need confirmation. Stifler.
Hey, man, what are you doing?
- Go get him.
- You ***. Stifler, get out.
Stifler. Stifler.
Stifler.
Oh, ***, dude!
I found a ***!
- Stifler.
- Big blue rubber dicks for everyone!
- The people demand rubber dicks!
- Finch, help.
***, ***, ***!
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for more lesbian artifacts.
Where'd you get this?
Finch's ***.
Oh, my god. ***!
Guys, they're back.
Stall 'em!
Come on. Come on!
- Come on. Come on.
- This is awesome!
Danielle, Amber, hi.
Hey.
Just needed the paper, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Which room? W-which room?
I can't remember ***. I was too excited.
- I'm in a lesbian stronghold.
- Was it in here?
- ***, man. Why are you asking me so many questions?
- Was it in here?
Maybe. What do you mean "maybe"?
Was it or was it not here?
Happy painting, boys.
You gotta get out of there.
They're inside.
Oh, *** balls.
- Very original, Steven.
- Don't call me Steven.
Ow!
I can wear that
little leopard bikini of mine.
I love that one.
It's so cute on you.
Help unzip me, please.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Thanks.
- Hey, have I shown you my cute little pink shoes?
- Does it match the pink bikini?
They're getting naked.
Cute.
Thank you.
- Oh, ***. She's de-pantsing.
- Oh, man.
Wait a minute. They can't hear us inside?
We won't cross over their radio or anything?
No, man. These work
on a C.B. Frequency.
This girl is so hot.
Two possible lesbians
in their bras and ***.
- Lesbians?
- Uh--
- Did you say lesbians?
- Hot lesbians!
That's great.
This is not gonna fit.
Look at you and look at me.
Too big.
I'll get you the blue stringy number.
Johnny West is missing.
Maybe you kicked it
under the bed.
Okay, let me look. Wait.
Didn't you have it when we were downstairs?
Oh, maybe.
Guys, get the hell
out of there right now.
Come on. Come on.
It's clear!
Go, go, go!
They're coming back.
Oh, I'm just so glad
I found him. He's my favorite collectible.
I know.
Holy ***! There's
a *** in my drawer.
Oh, my god! You could
have asked me if you wanted to borrow it.
Stop it.
Shh!
What the hell was that?
I don't know. Call 911.
No 911.
Don't call the police.
My god, it's the painting kids.
I'm still calling the cops.
Okay, no, no, no.
This isn't right.
Okay, look.
Stifler did break in here. You ***!
But we just followed him in
to get him out.
I just wanted proof that you
chicks are really lesbians.
You wanna
mess with 'em?
Yeah, it'll be fun.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
You guys... Like that?
Ozzy, stand by
for confirmation.
That's a big 10-4
on the confirmation.
Sounds like your little
friends outside wanna play too.
You won't be needing this.
Who wants me
to touch Amber?
- I do, I do.
- Who the hell is that?
Who's this?
Uh, this is John... Smith.
I'm turning off
my radio now.
Okay.
Where should I touch Amber?
***, baby.
Feel that ***!
Okay.
That's nice.
Oooh.
I know.
You feel his *** first.
Excuse me?
Yeah, yeah, I like that.
That's good. It's good.
Yeah, so I got some painting
I should, uh-- it's--
Jim, hold on.
I can handle it.
What?
Stifler, I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
And I would love
to see that show.
Bravo!
One finger... On the cheek.
We want...
Palm... Grasping.
Oh, that's too much.
No, no, no.
You don't touch,
We don't touch.
- Squeeze his ***, son. You'll like it.
- Come on, boys.
Jesus christ.
Oh, ***.
I'm touching his ***.
I'm touching his ***.
Red leader,
what's your position?
I'm touching his ***.
I'm touching his ***. Mommy!
You can go.
That really wasn't bad.
I wanna go home.
that's too bad.
Never mind.
I'm staying.
Danielle is feeling
my ***.
No way, dude!
Her *** are so luscious.
What a wonderful christmas gift you bought the boys.
My nipples are so hard.
I think I can
fix these.
sweet jesus.
Your turn.
Oh, yeah!
No, no, no. Mm-mm.
Him.
Kiss.
Dude, no.
Wait. What? Oh, yeah.
You want more?
We want more.
Go get him, tiger.
- You're gonna love it.
- do it for us.
Okay, dude.
One, two,
Three.
- That doesn't even count.
- That totally counted.
- That's how you kiss your mother.
- Don't you say anything!
Make it real.
You do that,
We'll do anything you want.
- A-a-anything?
- Anything.
Anything.
Anything.
You better like it.
Promise.
I promise.
I wouldn't lie.
Come on.
That is what
I'm talking about.
Ah, Kev, you can look.
Ooh!
that's it.
Where's your tongue?
Good boys.
Very good.
Dude, you're a ***' lousy kisser.
What? I wasn't trying!
That's not fair!
I wasn't trying there.
I'm really--
I'm not--
no judgment.
Nope. Wait a second.
You were trying?
*** no!
You were trying!
Oh, my-- that's disg--
oh, I kissed Jim!
Silence. Silence.
Silence!
ladies.
Yes?
As you were.
Here we go.
Let's do it.
Ooh. Ahh.
Amber!
Honey, come on.
Food's ready. I'm not hungry!
Oh, god.
It was worth it.
Hello!
Oh!
I want more.
Hell, yeah.
Yeah.
I want more, too, baby.
Mm-hmm.
We're gonna get more
physical as soon as we get some--
- Hand jobs.
- Okay!
- Hand jobs.
- You, do him.
We love to watch.
I'm sorry?
yeah.
You go. You go.
We go. We go.
Don't be a wimp.
Okay. It's okay.
I know what I have to do.
I need to keep
this party goin'.
I'm takin' one
for the team.
Mother of god!
Come on, you ***. We had 'em.
I am not touching that.
Put that thing away, Stifler.
Why can't you guys
be team players, huh?
I was the one doin'
all the sacrificin'.
Okay. Now wait
just a minute.
Stifler wanted to give
you two hand jobs?
No. Stifler wanted
one from us.
- What? ***.
- No, he did, okay? And it was horrible.
Very horrible.
You guys, you wanna
play some "***"?
Just watching the game, kev.
Hey, I just wanna
do something together.
We just did something
together.
Very together.
ho ho ho.
Stifler claus is here.
Now, just so there's
no confusion,
Santa *** has just brought us
some heterosexual entertainment.
Here you go.
All right. Here.
And the Stifmeister's
provided us some complimentary lubricant.
- Whack away, Jim. Whack away.
- Does this stuff really make a difference?
- Oh, yeah!
- Really?
Stifmeister's palace of love--
uh, straight love.
Oh, hey.
Yeah, I'm fine.
- That's Stifler's mom.
- Silence.
I didn't really think you were gonna be
in Michigan this summer.
Yeah, you're more than welcome
to be here.
Okay, stop by in a couple of weeks.
We're having a big party. Okay, bye.
Uh, Stifler, was that--
Okay.
She's coming.
Stifler's mom
is coming here.
Efforts must be doubled.
"efforts must be doubled."
Absolutely.
Jenny, where'd you put
my clarinet?
I think I shoved it in your box.
Oh, thanks!
Bad man.
I'm a bad, bad man.
Michelle. Michelle.
Hi. Hi.
Jim, what are you
doing here?
I, uh-- uh--
well, I thought you had said--
You can't just
stand out here.
Look, uh, I need your help.
Nadia's coming back,
And I don't--
I don't wanna be
this awkward,
Bumbling, nervous guy
with her.
I don't wanna seem
like a dork.
Well, I know that feeling.
Spend your life playing
in the band,
It doesn't exactly give you
the ultra-cool hipster image.
I think you're pretty cool.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Michelle, why did you
ditch me after prom?
I didn't ditch you.
I-- I just--
Our date was over.
I mean, did you
want some...
Funky, weird,
next-morning good-bye?
It's not like I wanted you to pretend you were
in love with me or something.
Why would I pretend that?
Guys do that.
Yeah, well, I'm not
like other guys.
I know.
Okay,
I'm gonna help you.
Really?
Yeah, I feel bad
for saying that you sucked,
Even though you kind of did.
Oh. Okay.
Uh, I'm just--
Let's just get started.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, I'm a hot girl. Right.
Okay, what do you wanna do?
I wanna feel your ***.
No, you dingbat.
You don't just go
groping away.
You gotta preheat the oven
before you stick in the turkey.
Okay.
Kiss me, here.
Good. Okay, now,
The collarbone--
kiss.
Good, Jim.
Oh, you're making me wet.
Holy ***. Really?
No, I was just saying that so you could practice.
Of course.
Okay, Jim.
That was good.
Let's work
on something else.
Does direction matter-- like
clockwise, counterclockwise-- make a difference?
Okay, Jim, this is what
I'm talking about.
Your main problem is...
You're so uptight.
Do I seem uptight about my *** stuff?
No.
The biggest pointer
I could give you is...
You have to feel comfortable
in any situation.
Stand up.
Hmm?
- Stand up.
- Ohh!
Now, this is a ***-up situation.
What happened to preheating?
We're skipping a few chapters.
Oh, okay.
This is good.
This is good. Obviously.
Ooh! Gilligan's island,
Mr. Howell.
Wh-what?
You've got to control
yourself and think of something nonsexual.
I haven't even touched
you yet, and you're turning into the sears tower.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, uh, nonsexual.
Right, right.
Um, okay.
Chairs.
Chairs. Good.
Uh, uh--
mastodons.
Uh, uh--
good.
Cleaning my bathroom.
Dung beetles.
Good.
Yeah.
Okay. Now, don't freak out.
I'm gonna do something
to push your threshold. Okay--
Oh, that's cold!
What are you doing?
I just shoved a trumpet in your ***.
Aren't instruments fun?
Okay, I think you've just
crossed my threshold.
We gotta go!
Call me in two weeks.
I'll be home then. We can finish lessons.
Okay.
Oh!
Pointer--
less tongue.
- What is it? A guest book?
- Yeah, and look at this entry.
"best thing was the blowout
at Tom Meyers' place.
There he is. "a night not soon
to be forgotten.
August '93." it's your brother, man.
Look.
Yeah, his cottage was
right down on the beach.
Guys, this is what
our party's gotta be.
Something we'll always
remember, you know? Yes, definitely.
Absolutely.
- You go fish.
- Finch, we're playing gin.
Oh.
Gin.
just tell me how
I got this far
just tell me why you're here
and who you are
'cause every time I look
you're never there
and every time I sleep
you're always there
- huh!
'cause you're everywhere
to me
and when I close my eyes
it's you I see
you're everything I know
that makes me believe
I'm not alone
I'm not alone
I recognize the way you make me feel
what the ***?
it's hard to think that you
might not be real
I sense it now
the water's getting deep
I try to wash the pain
away from me
away from me
'cause you're everywhere
to me
and when I close my eyes
it's you I see
you're everything I know
that makes me believe
'cause you're everywhere
to me
"Dear 'Jim.'
"chicago is beautiful,
but it would be better if you were here.
I'm counting the days.
Love, Nadia."
Well, I wish
you were here, Nadia.
Have you been dirty?
Oh, yes, baby.
I've been dirty.
Do you want me to clean you?
"apply a few drops
to achieve desired lubrication."
All right.
Is that a loofah,
or are you just glad to see me?
Oh, what the hell.
***.
Ohh!
God!
I been missin' out.
Uh-oh.
Ow.
Oh. Oh, ***! Ah!
Oh, ***!
Oh! Ow! Jeez--
Everybody okay?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Everything's fine.
Shut the *** up, or I'll break down this door
and pummel your ***!
No, don't come in here.
I'm fine. Everything--
I just fell out of the bed.
Okay, good night, then. You sure?
Okay. We'll see you in the morning.
Uh, night.
Oh!
Oh!
***!
Oh, ***!
Aah!
Ow! Aah!
Ow!
Poison control.
Hello?
Uh, hi, hi.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I kind of, uh,
Uh, super glued myself...
To, uh, myself.
No. Uh, no.
Ow. Don't, uh,
don't send an ambulance.
Look, is there anything,
uh, you know, around the house?
Paint thinner.
David?
***.
Don't move!
Stay where you are!
Hands where
we can see 'em!
Both hands! Get the other
hand up, *** it!
I can't! I can't!
I'm glued!
I'm glued!
Sorry.
Relax your hands.
I'll take it
from here, okay?
Don't worry, Jimbo.
You're gonna be fine, buddy.
Jim, this happens
to the best of us.
Left foot first.
Easy does it. Good.
- Watch your head.
- All right. Take a seat.
- Ahh!
- Excuse me, sir. Are you a family member?
***, no!
This is just too good to miss!
Okay, sir, you're just
gonna have to wait here. All right?
this summer's
turnin' out to be great.
How you doin', son?
I've been better.
Ah.
boy, that doesn't look
too bad, Jim.
Good job, doctor.
The swelling should subside
in about eight or nine days.
Eight or-- eight or nine--
Beach party's in a week.
Nadia's coming.
Oh. Oh.
Doctor, my-my son
has a party in seven days,
And there's a young lady
coming...
That he's been
waiting to--
He's been waiting
to get with.
I'd tell your son to keep his pants on
during that party.
Oh, yes, yes. Believe me,
I will be doing that. It goes without saying.
But if his pants...
Decide to come off
during the party,
Could he have
full use of his,
Um, ***?
Okay.
This should shave
a couple of days off.
Oh, good.
Thank you, doctor.
Jim,
That's good news.
This has been a good-news day, son.
Here. Put this on.
Little chilly
out there.
Well, here we are.
You know, Jim, um,
I think we should keep
your mother in the dark about the incident tonight.
I think the whole glue
thing might get her a little queasy.
I don't know how I get
myself into these things.
But thanks for understanding.
You've been really cool.
I mean, between this and,
You know--
You know, you may be
Jimbo or Jumbo...
Or Jimbodinny
to these guys in here,
But I want you to know
there are two people...
Who still remember where
James Emanuel Levenstein came from.
We're awful proud
of you, son.
Thanks, dad.
Don't forget
your *** cream.
that was it.
Right there.
That was a pure tantric moment.
The ficus, the water--
it was all ***.
One more stimulant,
I would have had full release.
Finch, stay the ***
away from that ficus.
That's a ***-free ficus.
There he is. Morning, Jimbo.
How's the twig and giggleberries, man?
Oh, very colorful.
My *** looks like a paint-by-numbers.
Jim, you're the only guy I know whose ***
needs an instruction manual.
Casa de Stifler.
Oh, hey.
What, you're here now?
No, that's cool.
You know, if you want to
hang out with these guys.
Okay, then.
I'll meet you out front.
- Hey, Stifler, was that--
- eat ***, shitbreak.
She's here.
My lady has arrived.
I gotta prepare.
Here we go.
Great. Stifler's mom is here?
This could be
a disaster.
whoa.
Not unless Stifler's mom
drives a moped.
Moped?
***, ***, ***.
How you doin', boys?
- That's Stifler's little brother.
- What are you doing here?
***, man.
I'm here for the ***.
Take a number.
Gentlemen, why all the noise?
Everybody knows that this is my special day.
- What is that?
- Is that a ***' dress? Are you wearing a dress?
Shitbreak, meet
my little brother.
Little brother,
meet shitbreak.
- That's your brother?
- Yes.
My lady's not coming.
So my entire...
Stockpile is wasted,
And I look ridiculous!
Excuse me.
That didn't look too good.
No.
Let's go find your room.
So, where are the ***' females?
I can't believe
I finally got you alone.
That only took,
what, six weeks?
So, uh, are you alone too?
- Yep.
- Good.
I'm all alone.
Guess what I had
in mind?
Hey, Marco, can you
get your balls off me?
- Thanks.
- Heather, what the hell's going on over there?
Uh, nothing.
It's just my flatmates.
I guess this is kind of
a lost cause, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
I can't wait. See ya this weekend?
- I can't wait either.
- Bye-bye.
- Surprise!
- Holy-- Nadia!
You're here? You're here.
What are you doing here?
Jim, I got so tired
of sightseeing.
But you're--
you're early.
Okay.
Nice to know you.
I will leave.
No!
No. Uh, don't--
don't leave.
Don't leave.
No leaving.
Uh, no. Uh--
It's just, I'm not
gonna be ready--
I mean, the party
won't be ready, uh, until Saturday.
I can... Stay here
until then?
Yeah.
I'm gonna be right back.
Is that okay?
Okay.
Nadia.
Who's in my room.
Now. Holy ***.
all right, I've got a plan.
Okay. How about
I come back with you...
And you say, "hello, this is
Michelle, my girlfriend."
And obviously,
Nadia won't expect you to hop in the sack.
And then we break up
the day of the party.
And you're all healed
and back on the market.
- You're evil.
- No way!
I'm like cupid.
And I know how
to make a girl jealous.
This is gonna be fun.
I'm sorry I didn't
tell you sooner,
But we just started seeing
each other a few weeks ago.
Um-- but
I'd really love it...
If you stayed here.
I think you should stay
and have fun at the party.
Good for you, Jim.
Of course I will stay.
That's grea-- aiee!
That's my nipples!
She just loves my nipples.
if you could only
read my mind
you would know
that things between us
ain't right
I know your arms
are open wide
but you're a little
on the strange side
I can't lie
your one vice
is you're too nice
come around, now
can't you see
I want you
all tattooed
I want you bad
complete me
mistreat me
I want you to be
bad, bad, bad
bad, bad
if you could only
read my mind
you would know
that I've been waiting
so long
for someone almost
just like you
but with attitude
I've waited
so come on
get out at close time
pull out those highlights
come around, now
can you see
I want you
in a vinyl suit
I want you bad
bad, bad
oh, no.
Oh, my god.
You still broken?
No.
I'm fine.
I might have to...
Actually go through with this.
Jim, what's the big deal
with Nadia, anyway?
I mean, okay, so she's
50,000 times hotter...
Than most girls, but...
Come on,
it's just sex.
Oh, no.
You saw the thing
on the internet.
Did it look like
I might have had...
A slight interest
in Nadia then?
Add another year to that.
Okay.
Hey, why don't you bring
Nadia to the concert first? It'll be a cool date.
We'll see how things go.
Michelle,
you have been great.
Thank you.
Anytime.
Come on.
You ready to break up?
You big, stupid dummy!
Theater is so cool!
I don't care if you are the best
lay I've ever had in my life.
I hate your guts anyway.
Don't say that.
And I don't care
if you did give me ten orgasms in a row,
Because you smell
really bad.
No! I smell
really bad!
Because we've been having
so much sex, and--
And I haven't showered,
and I wanna shower!
So, don't you go being all
super-sexy guy anymore,
Because I am now
impervious...
To your unrelenting machismo
and *** ardor.
And that includes *** me in the ***!
So there!
We had
something special.
What's up?
What's up, dog?
Vicky. Hey.
Hey.
I'm so glad you came.
You want something to drink or-- hey.
Can I help you?
Kevin.
That's my date. What?
You-- you saved them all.
How sweet.
You don't think
I'm a dork?
Whatever you are, Jim,
it is what I like.
Kevin left.
Didn't look good.
Kevin left?
Just wandered
down the beach.
You okay, Kev?
Wanna tell us
what's up?
Wanna feel Finch's ***?
No, I-- I went
to say hi to Vicky,
And she was there
with a date.
You hooked up with three girls this year.
You're doing fine.
Rule of three, Oz.
I guess I was living in the past-- wanting
to party with you guys...
And be with Vicky,
it's just like high school.
You remember
that day after prom?
You know, we made
a toast to the next step.
I guess I never took it.
My brother said that by the end of the summer
I'd see the big picture.
And I see it.
No matter what, times change
and things are different.
The problem is,
I don't want them to be.
You know, Kevin,
I haven't moved on either.
I've been obsessed with the one woman I can't
have a real future with,
Other than a very ***,
extremely warped one.
I gotta find
a new goddess.
It's gonna take patience,
but I've been celibate all summer.
Yeah, you kinda get
used to it, though, huh?
Are you insane?
Hey, look, Kev, different does not
necessarily mean worse.
As a matter of fact,
I think things are just getting better.
Or am I gonna have to drag
your *** back to that party and prove it to you?
I'll walk.
Wow!
You know, you have
beautiful eyes.
- Oh, you're sweet.
- That's a really nice top.
Oh. Thanks.
You're welcome.
- Wanna ***?
- Are you serious?
Come on, baby.
Give it to the Stifmeister.
- I think you better--
- your loss.
Wow. You know,
you have beautiful eyes.
Come here, dude.
Come on. You're making an *** out of yourself.
You're ruining my mojo.
And you're not the Stifmeister, okay?
It takes years to develop
true Stifmeister style.
Come on, man!
I just wanna see some ***.
Hey, pop-tart.
Dream on, midget.
Excuse him. Come here.
Take this. You're on cop watch.
Go out in the driveway.
See any cops, call me, okay?
Steve--
all right.
Gentlemen, uh,
this appears to be a party.
Guys, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go look for Nadia.
Good luck.
Ahh.
So what was this year
like for you?
Did you miss high school?
Well, no. When you travel
as much as I do,
You get used to
moving on.
But I have great memories.
- Wow, can we go in there?
- The lighthouse?
Yeah.
Yes.
Yes, we can.
How romantic.
Jim, come on.
Wow!
Wow!
Oh, it's beautiful!
Cool!
Jim, I have told you my
memories from high school.
What are yours?
Oh, uh--
Well, uh, you.
You have not changed.
Jim, relax.
We are just, how do you say,
tooting our horns.
Actually, that is
quite difficult.
How do you mean?
Well, this one time
at band camp,
I--
Holy ***.
What? Tell me.
Uh, well, uh,
This one time
at band camp,
I got stuck
playing this trombone.
And I can't play anything at all.
So I totally sucked.
And everyone thought
I was this Petey guy,
But I didn't know what to think, so I just
kept playing and playing,
And I didn't know
what I was doing.
It was so funny!
I gotta go.
What? Why?
Nadia,
Please don't take this
the wrong way,
But, but you're--
You're everything
that I used to want.
And as much
as I may really,
Really regret
what I'm about to do,
There's somebody else
I want to be with.
You-you want
the band geek?
Nadia, I am a band geek.
I just never
joined the band.
You go get your geek.
Someday I will find mine.
well, my mind is now
playin' tricks on me
and the world is crashin'
I think about it
Hey, um, Kevin Meyers.
Hi. Sorry I was
a *** before.
It's okay, man.
My name's Brett.
Uh, could you give us a sec?
Sure.
Look, you don't
have to do this.
Maybe I was
being selfish...
In wanting to be
your friend.
Maybe it's just
not gonna work. Victoria,
I would much rather have you
as a friend than not have you in my life at all.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Whoo!
Yeah-hah!
Party on!
Yeah! Yeah!
- I don't know. From the lighthouse all the way--
- Hey, handsome.
Heather! Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing here?
I was gonna pick you up
at the airport in, like, two hours.
I took an earlier flight,
and I thought I'd surprise you.
Yeah, you did.
Kinda weird without the phone, huh?
We'll get used to it.
Come on. I wanna hear all about it.
We'll grab you a drink.
Steve, this cop-watch
thing is horseshit.
Hello?
Man, this sucks.
Who is it out there?
It's the Stifmeister, baby.
Is that so?
Life's a ***,
isn't it?
It's all right.
You don't have to say anything.
I'm used to girls
ignoring me.
Or making fun of me.
"come on, Sherman.
Be the sherminator."
Like the movie.
How clever.
I-I get it, okay?
Maybe I am a geek.
Whatever.
Yes! Yes, you are!
All right.
I... Am the Sherminator.
Ohh!
A sophisticated
sex robot sent back through time...
To change the future
for one lucky lady.
I am lucky lady?
That's right, Nadia.
You've been targeted for shermination.
Come with me
if you want to live.
Oh! Oh, no!
Help!
- Ohh! *** me, geek!
- Affirmative!
No ***' way!
Forget it.
Like you have a chance.
Cheers, bud.
Hey, Steve,
look what I found.
- Dude, don't touch the shirt.
- Just look.
Hi.
Hey, there.
Brilliant.
You found lesbians.
good luck trying to break
through that force field.
Lesbians?
We never said that.
- What?
- We never said that.
Oh.
Oh, man.
I will do anything--
anything-- to sleep with you chicks.
Okay? I'll grab
every guy's *** in this room.
I'll caress it, even.
I'll shave some *** if they need it.
Oh, yeah.
You heard me.
It's true. I'll kiss everybody here.
Dudes, chicks, everybody.
Because I am comfortable
with my sexuality.
Oh, yeah.
At least have a drink
with the Stifmeister.
All right.
That's fair.
All right.
You truly are
a Stifmeister.
- Welcome back to the party.
- Steve, those are my lesbians.
Ladies, I am down
with the funky ***.
Like what? One time at this party,
I was drinking champagne--
Thank you. Thank you.
Our next soloist
will be Michelle Flaherty.
Petey?
This kid is killing me.
You suck, retard.
I'm not retarded.
I'm a very special boy.
to live the life
that's in his dreams
at night he lies awake and he wonders
- Jim!
How's this
for a band camp story?
if I can be like that
I would give anything
just to live one day
Come on, guys.
Let's hear it for petey!
if I can be like that
what would I do
what would I do
yeah, yeah, yeah
oh, yeah
falling into less
in dreams
and run away
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Good for them.
Yeah, it's awesome.
Want to dance?
Yeah.
We'll be back.
Come on, baby!
it's one thing to complain
but when you're driving me insane
well, then I think it's time
that we took a break
'cause I'm in too deep
and I'm tryin' to keep
up above in my head
instead of going under
'cause I'm in too deep
and I'm trying to keep
up above in my head
instead of going under
instead of going under
instead of going under
instead of going under
instead of going under
instead of going under
instead of going under
You know, there's
only one word for that party:
***'.
Out of control.
Dude, am I gonna
have a hangover? 'cause I want one.
Good-bye.
See ya.
Let's go to our page. Oh, my gosh.
We have to write about this party.
This party was crazy!
Look at my date! He's passed out!
You drank him under the table.
He couldn't hang out.
she holds her head
within her hands
quietly reeling
if only he could understand
what she's feeling
she moves into me
just to kiss my shoulder
Oh!
Best summer ever, huh, fellas?
Absolutely.
Sorry things didn't work out for you, Finch.
You kiddin'? Things are great.
I have all
the time in the world.
So, are we gonna
do this every summer?
Oh, yeah, we are.
Of course we are, gentlemen.
Well, we're gonna try.
Sweet car.
It is sweet.
Stifler's mom.
Hey, Finchy.
How did you know
I was here?
I called a couple
of weeks ago.
Didn't Steven tell you that
I was gonna drop by sometime?
I guess it, uh,
slipped his mind.
Hey, what's your name?
Jeanine.
Jeanine.
Okay, uh, well,
I've been thinking, and, you know,
I'm 19 years old.
There's a whole world out there.
I can't be obsessed with one woman.
- Just can't be.
- I'm glad you're learning, Finchy.
Good.
Good.
- You want to get it on?
- You better clear your schedule.
See you guys later.
Where are you goin', man?
What about dog years?
Uh, give me, like,
uh, three days.
Wait, was that--
was that who I think--
- No.
- Yeah. Yeah!
I think it was.
I think so too.
Son of a--
Who the hell was that?
That was, uh--
that was-- someone was lost.
Lookin' for the lake.
Yeah, all turned around.
What a ***.
The lake's right there.
Incredible.
How does Finch get so lucky?
Ah. What are you worried about?
You got a girlfriend now.
Everything in. Let's go. Pony up.
Dog years awaits.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I do.
I have a girlfriend now.
Yeah, you do.
She's my girlfriend.
All right, Jimbo.
Let's go! Let's go!
Hey, where's shitbreak?
The movies. Took the bus.
Coffee.
Wait a second.
Who the ***
was in that car?
and here's to you
Mrs. Robinson
jesus loves you more
than you will know
oh, Finchy, I missed you.
Yeah. Oh, god.
Jeanine. Jeanine. Call me Stifler's mom.
oh, Stifler's mom!
I don't want to be
an *** anymore
sick and tired
of all the promises
that I made to you
and I pray to you
and I know you think
you've heard it all before
something tells me
that you think I'm stupid
when I say to you
that what I say is true
too much lyin'
too little tryin'
this time it's gonna be
the last time
I say the last time again
this time is gonna be
the last time
what I say
the last time again
I don't want to be
redundant anymore
skipping like a broken record
you can play again
but I'll do it all again
I'll put it behind me
then you rewind me
this time is gonna be
the last time
what I say
the last time again
this time is gonna be
the last time
what I say
the last time again
once again
I must have been
tryin' to wash away the sin
'cause I wake up
bathroom floor
I won't do this anymore
starting tomorrow
this time is gonna be
the last time
what I say
the last time again
this time is gonna be
the last time
what I say
the last time again
this time is gonna be
the last time
what I say
the last time again
this time is gonna be
the last time
what I say
the last time again
and it's always
little things
that to the surface brings
space you need to breathe
before the curtain call
the light that leads the way
before you hit the wall
the mountain
that you climb
just to take a fall
the blind among the blind
and I say
there's an echo
'round my heart
draggin' me down
beneath the waves
in silence I fall
there's a halo
above my head
spinnin' me 'round
'cause I don't know
if I'm alive or dead
there's a dagger
in my hand
bleeding me dry
and all we have to lose
is time
and what we lose
we leave behind
stay around
and we will shine