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OK. Let's see where we are.
Get rid of this, get rid of that,
kill that...
That kinda freaks me out...
Don't need her, we can get
rid of that...
OK, we can start with this.
I know it's a hard editing piece,
but come on, you guys.
It's the internet. We need traffic,
traffic, traffic. What you got?
-How about this?
-Perfect!
Now doesn't she look smart and
knowledgeable about immigration reform?
Yeah! She does, right?
I'm *** with you, people!
This isn't a *** site! What are we,
nerds trying to look at ***?
Come on, keep looking.
***!
Hello?
Hey, baby. Where are you?
Are you still at work?
No! Not even close.
Just so you know, the movie
starts in 10 minutes.
-I know. Give me your pants.
-What?
-I'll buy you lunch tomorrow, come on.
-No.
I'm your boss. Give me your pants.
Please, try not to be late.
I really hate missing the beginning.
I know, I know.
Give me your pants.
I'm coming, baby.
I'm almost there.
-How far away?
-I think I see you.
-Where are you? I'm here.
-So am I.
So many people.
What are you wearing?
I'm wearing the only clothes
outside the theatre...
because I'm the only person
outside the theatre.
I love that outfit. You look
so sexy in that.
You know that I love this movie.
If a *** and a ruthless
businessman...
can fall in love, then anyone can.
I know this means a lot to you,
which means it means a lot to me.
-Well apparently it doesn't.
-I'm looking at you right now, I can see you.
-Jamie.
-Hey!
-Oh, you made it.
-Yeah.
-Sorry I'm late.
-It's OK. I got us sandwiches.
I got you turkey, no cheese.
Are you sure this was prepared
in an air-free facility?
Yes, I'm fully aware
of your allergies.
Hey, I'm here.
-I'm really sorry.
-We missed "Your body is a wonderland".
OK, only one song.
That's not so bad, right?
It was *** "Your body is a wonderland".
Well good news is he has so many...
good ones.
Here's an idea. Next time,
instead of being late...
just *** on my face coz that's
kinda of the same thing...
as missing "Your body is a wonderland".
OK we really got to go in.
Julia Roberts is about...
to put on her really tall boots.
We need to talk.
I think we should take a break.
I just feel like we should
chill for a while, you know?
-You're doing this!
-You're breaking up with me?!
-You said I was your soul mate.
-I did? When?
When we were at that B&B
having sex.
-You know, that doesn't...
-Doesn't what?!
Count.
I was tied up at work.
I'm sorry.
Maybe you should care a little bit
less about work...
and a little more about the
girl that you're dating.
Coz last time I checked,
work doesn't reassure you that...
liking a finger up your ***,
doesn't make you gay.
I never said go up, OK?
I just said lightly around...
It's like a little button...
You know what?
Not your issue anymore.
Is this why you were late? You were
worried about how to break up with me?
No, no. I was trying to decide
what to wear.
-So you went with sneakers and a hoodie.
-Yeah.
What, you were gonna take SATs after this?
Don't lash out, OK?
You're better than that.
I'm really not.
I think we're heading in
different directions.
Yeah, you to the John Mayer concert
and me not.
Thank you for doing this before
the concert, by the way.
Best break up ever.
He is the Sheryl Crow of our generation.
Let me just ask you one
quick question.
And just know, that I am not at all
crushed by this break up.
So be honest.
Why?
-Is this a trick?
-No, just pure anthropological research.
OK. You want someone to sweep
you off your feet...
but you're more interested in getting
swept of your feet...
than in someone who's
doing the sweeping.
You seem like you got it
totally together...
but you're actually really
emotionally damaged.
Also, you have like really big eyes
and that freaks me out sometimes.
Thank you. That's enough.
-It is not you at all.
-Of course it's me!
You can't say that.
You're breaking up with ME!
It's not, it's me.
I don't like you anymore.
This is my fault.
You deserve better than me.
You're a great guy. A little too
emotionally unavailable, if you ask me.
-I didn't.
-I really wanna stay friends.
-Let's stay friends.
-Sure.
Totally.
John *** Mayer!
Come here you.
You're gonna get through this.
Why do relationships always
start out so fun...
and then turn into suck a bag of dicks?
I really have to stop buying into
this *** Hollywood cliche...
of true love.
Shut up, Katherine Heigl!
You stupid liar!
Just gonna work and ***.
Like George Clooney.
I'm just gonna shut myself down
emotionally.
Like George Clooney.
Sit up please, sir.
Is that the Hudson river?
No. It's the East river.
So we won't be landing on
it then like that...flight.
You know, with that captain
they keep giving medals to.
That pilot was a hero.
***.
Plane actually did a lot of the work.
I think I found the perfect guy
to fill that job at GQ.
He's landing and I'm scrambling.
He's not sold on the job yet, but I'll
get him there, I always do.
I'm even picking him up in a hybrid.
He's from LA, I figured he's into
all that ***.
Hey sir, what's that tall building
over there?
The Empire State Building.
No, no. The other one. The really, really tall one.
With the antenna on top of it...
-the windows...
-The Empire State Building!
Oh yeah. You're right.
King Kong.
Hey, are you done with this?
Welcome to New York Ms. Renderghast.
Oh no!
Excuse me, sorry.
-Can you get me my bag?
-Sure. Which one?
-The one with the strips.
-OK.
Welcome to New York, sir.
Excuse me.
-That's me.
-Which one, the blue or the yellow?
No, the makeshift sign made
out of lipstick. That's me.
-You're Dylan Harper.
-I am.
-I'm Jamie-.
-You're picking me up from the airport.
Yes, I am.
You always pick people up like this?
You know, I like to keep things interesting.
Welcome to New York.
Thank you.
You're not exactly what comes to mind
when you think "head hunter".
Yeah, I prefer "executive recruiter".
Head hunter sounds a little creepy.
You did stalk me for 6 moths.
Kinda creepy.
Here, I'll take it.
You're really gonna carry my bag?
You're that girl?
No. I'm gonna change your life.
I'm THAT girl.
My life is already pretty great.
Oh really? Coz you wouldn't be here
if your life was already pretty great.
A free trip to NY, I'd be an idiot
to turn that down.
Well then I guess you must have been an
idiot for the past 6 months.
Oh, a lot of people would say
longer than that.
It's a huge opportunity, Dylan.
Art director of GQ magazine,
this is the big leagues.
No offense to your little blog
on the internet.
Which got 6 mil. hits last month.
I could put up a video of me mixing
cake batter with my ***...
and it would get 8 mil. hits.
It's been done.
-dunkinmytitshynes.com.
-Really?
There is no question that you are
talented at what you do...
but this is GQ!
NY is so crowded. Look around.
I'm from LA, OK?
I like my open spaces.
What are you, a gazelle?
What's really worrying you about this?
I don't know. I don't want to be
the guy who took something legendary...
and *** the bed with it.
Excuse the expression.
Well, don't be the guy who *** the bed,
excuse the expression.
Be the guy who made the bed legendary again.
We'll get some coffee before the
interview, you'll be fine.
I'm sorry, not coffee. Some green tea-soy-
organic-hemp ***.
It's really hot in NY.
It gets hot in LA.
Yeah it gets hot in LA,
but it's the humidity.
In LA it's 90F, it feels like 90F.
When it's hot in NY, 90F
is like 100.000F.
This conversation about the weather
is really fascinating...
but lucky for me, we're here.
So, good luck.
Just do me a favor. Act like you do
so that I look good.
-I can do that.
-OK.
-Go get 'em.
-This is great by the way.
Ugh!
-Hey!
-You're still here?
Yeah. Well, it's my job.
So, tell me how did it go?
They bought it. You're safe for
a little while longer.
Thank you. I owe you one.
-This is from you.
-It's your offer.
-Wait...I got it?
-They called about 5 minutes ago.
Congratulations. Offer expires at midnight.
Why didn't you just tell me
instead of texting me?
Coz it's more dramatic.
Dylan, you're not gonna *** the bed.
I've seen your work, it's amazing.
It's a huge move. Would you uproot your
entire life for a job? Be honest.
For a job, probably not.
But for NY...
Yeah, I would.
Which is why I'm not gonna try to
sell you on the job...
I'm gonna sell you on NY.
It's NY! I've seen Seinfeld.
Not the *** tourist version.
Puppy dog eyes.
Nice touch.
Yes! Come on.
Let me buy you a drink.
What's wrong?
-What are you waiting for?
-The light to change.
You LA folk are so cute.
Come on.
See? I'm gonna die!
Here we have Brooklyn bridge,
downtown Manhattan...
and right in front of us...
an outdoors bar.
Ha! Alcohol!
Now we're talking.
You know, I like you.
I'll give you a choice of closes.
What?
How I'd close you on this job.
So we have the flattery close:
"Dylan, you're so good at what you do".
The take it or leave it close:
"Man, I don't care if you take it, I get paid regardless".
The sympathy close:
"You see, my kids..."
Why do women think the only way
to get a man to do what they want...
is to manipulate them?
History, personal experience,
romantic comedies.
You're here for a reason,
whether you want to admit it or not.
Yeah, to explore an option.
Who wouldn't want to know their options?
-Someone who's in a perfect situation.
-Are you in the perfect situation?
Job? Absolutely.
Everything else? None of your business.
Shaun!
Jamie!
You look great, you've been working out?
No, just been eating a lot.
OK. You want a drink?
-Yeah.
-Let me get you a drink.
Careful!
Hey bro, that was like
a double McTwist 1260.
Yeah, like the trick.
-Yeah!
-Dylan.
-Jamie, you wanna get this guy...
out of my face before I break
his *** skull?
Sorry, bro. No disrespect.
I'm a huge fan.
You don't *** know me, man.
Don't talk to me like you know me.
What, you think I'm all chill because
I snow board and ***?
One more word and I'll *** you
up like dynamite.
-Dynamite...
-Nah, I'm just playing, bro.
Any friend of Jamie's is cool with me.
It's all good, man.
I'm whispering in the ear
of a dead man.
-See you later.
-Bye, honey.
Shaun White seems really great.
Nice dude.
-How do you know him again?
-I took his virginity.
Oh, so you guys have known each
other for a while?
No, it was like 8 months ago.
Wow. So does the carpet match the drapes?
It's the hardwood floors,
if you know what I mean.
My God!
-Teribble visual.
-Totally kidding, by the way.
Just an old friend of mine.
You guys use the same leave-in conditioner.
Your hair has nice body.
-What are you looking for?
-The cops.
-Come on.
-The cops?!
-Where you're taking me?
-You'll see.
Here's your open space.
Run, gazelle.
Run!
Wow! It's unbelievable.
OK, this was not on Seinfeld.
What your dad think about all this?
About what?
He must have an opinion,
he used to write for LA Times for 23 years.
Somebody did their homework.
I have this thing at work,
it's called Google.
Come on, what does he think
about the job?
Actually, I didn't ask him.
Well, you must know what he'd say.
He'd tell me to go with my gut
and that he'd be proud of me no matter what I did.
Sounds like a really great man.
Yeah, he is.
Hey, do you wanna see something
really cool?
I always wanna see something really cool.
Come on.
Only place in the city you
can actually see the stars.
-Pretty awesome.
-I know.
I like to come up here to think.
Just when it gets a little too much...
for me down there, it's like...
my NY version of a mountain top.
Best part?
No cell reception.
You take all your recruits up here?
Actually never really
taken anyone up here.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Thanks.
If you tell anyone about this...
I will rip your ears off
and staple them to your neck.
Everyone in this city seems
really violent.
Oh, come on let's go.
One last stop.
-We're just getting comfortable.
-I know. Come on, buddy.
Oh, you show me Times Square!
This is not touristy at all!
Oh, would you shush!
Come on!
-Do we have to power walk everywhere we go?
-Yes.
So everybody just kind of...
walks wherever they want then...
Right here.
-What do you mean?
-We're here.
My God, it's 1988.
All right smartass, give it 5 seconds.
-What is this?
-It's a flash mob!
-Oh, like on Oprah!
-Exactly!
-Should we get out of the way?
-No, no! Enjoy it. Take it all in.
-Pretty damn cool!
-Right?
Do these people get paid for this?
No, no! They kinda just
do it for fun.
It's nice to feel like you're
a part of something.
NY can be a little bit lonely at times.
And you're trying to sell me on it?
Every place can be
a little bit lonely sometimes.
-Be careful!
-God!
***! Get back down.
I'm in.
What?
You sold me.
-Really?
-I'll take the job.
-Oh my God!
-Are you surprised?
No, no!
-You can all go home now. Thank you.
-Very funny.
Congratulations, sellout!
Thank you, thank you!
All I'm saying is, it wasn't so much the pilot's
skill that landed that plane on the river...
as much as the mechanics of the aircraft.
Are you saying that captain Sully
wasn't a hero?
No,no! There was just other factors.
Are you not an American?
Hey, do you wanna get
your *** out of my car or what?
Welcome to NY.
Go and *** a ***.
So, all I ask is that you give me a little
bit of time to gain your trust.
I know that I'm new at this but what I
lack in experience...
I make up for in cliches.
So, my door is always open.
Seriously, my door is always open.
My first order of business...
lighter doors.
Thank you, guys.
Hey man, Tommy-sports editor.
Tommy! I read your articles.
Love your writing.
Just trying to keep it realsies.
Listen, I'd love to take you out...
one night and trawl for ***.
What?
You got some pretty boys out there in LA
but the quality in this town is ridiculous!
We can tear this *** up!
-I'm not gay, Tommy.
-Really?
I just assumed Art director, and..
Hey no skin, more pipe for me.
By the way, doing a piece on racism and
hockey. Would love to get your...
concepts on the font. I'm thinking Helvetica,
but I could be persuaded to Courier New...
but what the *** do I know?
I'm just a sports editor.
-You sure you're not gay?
-Yep, I'm sure.
I'd knock, but you don't have a door.
I don't.
Hey, check this out.
-That really does exist.
-I told you. But not that, this.
-Awesome!
-But even more awesome if this happened.
-Wait for it.
-Nice!
I got in touch with the guy that puts
flash mobs together.
I'm thinking about using them for
guerilla advertising.
Taking something so pure and
commercializing it?
-I found the right guy.
-Here I am.
Ok here's your contract. Sign it
and I'll be out of here.
A whole year?
Why do I get the feeling this is the first
real commitment you ever made?
It's not. T-Mobile. Two years.
And *** do I regret that one.
Do me a favor. Don't quit or get fired
before the year is up...
because otherwise I don't get my bonus.
You mean I can leave whenever I want?
-What's the point of this contract?
-Just sign the damn thing.
Nice doing business with you, Dylan Harper.
Hey, I was thinking of getting some lunch.
Do you know a place?
Are you asking me out?
I'm not asking you out, I'm asking you
to show me a restaurant.
I mean, I'm the only friend you have in NY.
You don't wanna complicate that.
I know, I'm not asking you out.
Sure, we'd have fun, roll around, get in
some *** humiliation fantasy...
***! Could you just slow...
I'm not *** asking you out,
I swear to God!
OK, you don't like me like that.
You don't have to be so mean about it.
I'm sorry...
God, you're such a girl!
Come on, it's my treat.
So, was it an easy move?
Sucked leaving my dad, my sister
gave me some ***...
but timing was right.
Timing was really right.
-Is that your sister?
-No, my ex.
She's great. Loves John Mayer.
Wants us to stay friends.
She's also convinced she can cure me
of my emotional unavailability.
-You're emotionally unavailable?
-Oh yeah.
Oh my God! I'm emotionally damaged.
I haven't seen you at the meetings.
I'm done with the relationship thing.
Girl, you are preaching to the congregation.
-Choir.
-What?
Preaching to the choir. You're supposed
to preach to the congregation.
That's the expression.
Did you understand what I was saying?
Then don't be a *** about it.
-Oh my God. Do you mind?
-Please.
Hello. You've reached Dylan Harper's
cell phone.
-He's emotionally unavailable but...
-John *** Mayer!
Hello?
You really do have *** cell service.
-Right?
-Yeah.
I'm gonna have some friends
over tomorrow.
Why don't you come and
you can meet some new people.
I'm gonna have to check my schedule.
I'm really busy. I work at GQ now.
It's not some little blog on the internet.
Hey, you made it.
-Sorry I'm late.
-No, please come in.
Thank you.
Hey, everybody!
This here is Dylan.
He's from LA.
He's the reason I can afford
all this beer.
Am I an animal?
Yeah.
I'm pretty good at this.
Lt.Kali is a west coast street artist
I got into about 5 years ago.
His post-modern interpretation...
-This *** is amazing!
-I know, right?
I can't do this anymore.
No, I think we both need to go
get happy.
It's not adding up to a hundred anymore.
It's like NY is all out of blueberries.
Goodbye, Brice.
Why do all these movies have
such bad music?
So that you know how to feel
every single second.
"I'm heartbroken".
"I'm getting married to the
man of my dreams".
"I'm sneaking through an office".
Maddison, wait!
Brice! How did you know I was
at Grand Central Station?
You're not. You're in LA.
Where this movie was shot.
I know you better than you know
yourself.
And your crazy friend Suzie across the hall.
Suzie!
-Why are you here?
-To tell you...
I love that sunsets make you cry.
And I don't care that you failed
your real estate exam.
And I'm glad that you have
a 5 date rule.
-I love you.
-Not as much as I love you.
God, I wish my life was a movie sometimes.
I'd never have to worry about
my hair...
or having to go to the bathroom.
And then, when I'm at my lowest point,
some guy would chase me down the street...
pour his heart out and we kiss.
Happily ever after.
I mean, a horse and carriage?
Come on!
That is...awesome.
Not as awesome as this ambiguously upbeat
pop song, that has nothing to do with the plot.
They put it at the end to try to convince you
that you had a great time at this *** movie.
Why don't they make a movie about what
happens after the big kiss?
They do.
It's called ***.
God, I miss sex.
Sometimes you just need it.
It's like...
like cracking your neck.
Why does it always have to come
with complications?
-And emotions...
-And guilt...
Ugh, guilt.
It's women's fault.
-What?!
-You heard me!
"Hold me! Let's spend the rest
of our lives together".
Please, you're no better!
"Yo, baby. Come on, say my name.
Yeah...oh...I'm done. How was it?"
Who you've been with?
Why can it not be like that?
It's a physical act.
Like playing...tennis.
Two people should be able to have sex
like they're playing tennis.
No one wants to go away for the weekend
after they play tennis.
It's just a game. You shake hands
and get on with your ***.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
You want more beer?
-Jamie?
-Yeah.
Let's play tennis.
-What?
-Let's have sex like we're playing tennis.
Get the hell outta here!
Don't laugh.
This could be great, this could take
all the weirdness out of it.
We talked about this.
I don't like you like that.
I don't like you like that either.
That's why it's perfect.
I don't even know if I find
you attractive.
That's cute.
I do have a thing for jerks.
-Do you even find me attractive?
-That's cute.
No, no. Before you got to know
my awesome personality...
strictly physical.
First time you saw me.
-This is just two people talking.
-Yeah.
Two girls, over drinks at Bennigans.
Go.
I liked your eyes. I didn't think I'd ever seen
such big beautiful eyes.
Your lips. Thought you might be
a good kisser.
I am.
-Your ***.
-What about them?
They intrigued me.
-Really?
-Yeah.
I think they're so tiny.
-Still ***.
-Thanks.
I liked your hands.
-Mouth.
-Butt.
-Voice.
-Chest.
-Eyes.
-You said that.
I meant it.
You swear you don't want anything more
from me other than sex?
You swear you don't want anything more
from me?
I know how you girls get...
What are you doing?
I'm pulling up my Bible app.
-You have a Bible up?
-Yes, I'm a good girl.
I can't figure this out.
Keep your hand still, I'm moving...
There we go.
No relationship.
No emotions.
Just sex.
Whatever happens...
we stay friends.
-Swear.
-Swear.
So, I guess we should just start.
-I'll serve.
-That's enough of the tennis.
Go to the bedroom.
What's wrong with the couch?
It's less emotional.
The bedroom has better light.
And since we're just friends, I don't have to
be insecure about my body.
Come on, OK? You're beautiful.
You have nothing to be insecure about.
You see, that is way too emotion supportive
and you need to just lock that down.
-Your *** is a little boney.
-Much better!
My nipples are sensitive,
I don't like dirty talk...
and had I known this was gonna happen,
I would have shaved my legs this morning.
My chin is ticklish,
I sneeze sometimes after I ***...
and had I known this was gonna happen,
I wouldn't have shaved my legs this morning.
Okie dokie.
Oh. I keep my socks on.
Intimacy issues.
Great, coz feet gross me out.
Daddy issues.
I can work with that.
Should be fine.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Can we stop? We could just
go for a run.
No, we're getting too old for this.
-Sex?
-No, casual sex.
Feels a little college-y.
I can sing some Third Eye Blind.
"Closing time, one last
call for alcohol..."
-That's not Third Eye Blind.
-Pretty sure it's Third Eye Blind.
-What's wrong?
-We're just doing this once.
-I totally agree.
-OK.
-Little faster.
-More circular.
Watch my chin.
Touch my ears.
Kiss my neck.
-Say my name.
-Dylan Francis Harper Jr.
-Not my full name.
-Sorry took a lot of that out of your paperwork.
Oh my God, you really...oh.
-Dylan, I...
-Relax.
Just a friend going down
on another friend.
Oh yeah, baby!
Tornado!
What?!
What are you trying to do,
dig your way to China?
-I'm good at this!
-Says who?
Every girl I've been with.
Well, they're either lying
or their vaginas are made out of burlap.
So, relax. You're not a lizard.
-OK fine!
-OK fine!
"So gather up your jackets..."
-A little to the right...
-OK.
-A little bit more to the left.
-Copy that.
-Now, go down...
-Here we go!
-Oh! Too far!
-Sorry!
-What's wrong?
-Nothing!
Women start to scream,
it can be misconstrued.
Just keep going!
Yeah, you know it!
Let me tell you how I like it.
Most girls think you should
start out soft, but if you just get in...
Yeah. You know it.
-Let's go with Obama.
-No, no, no!
It's too easy, too predictable.
Go with Shaun.
He's stylish, trancedant of sport.
Has an *** like a kumquat.
I hear he's kind of a jerk.
No, he's not.
You're just threatened by him because
he's the greatest snow sport athlete...
in the universe and he gets more
squirrel than an oak tree.
Hey, Dylan. Jamie-in the
lobby for you.
OK, thanks.
Let'*** this after lunch,
OK guys?
Nobody wants to *** Obama, bro.
He's got ears like an elephant. That's not
the part of an elephant you want.
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-Sorry to show up like this.
-No, no. It's fine.
-Wanna take a walk?
-Love to.
-OK, so about what happened...
-It was crazy and we shouldn't have done it.
Exactly. No, no! Exactly!
It is so not me.
I totally agree. Let's forget it happened.
Great! Look, I've had one night stands.
We both have had one night stands.
-None of which we're proud of, but...
-Well...
Really?
OK, so say that you and I could just have sex
without it compromising anything, but it's just so...
Misguided.
Exactly.
I was gonna call you this morning.
-But you didn't.
-But I didn't.
See, it's already coming between us
and I really just don't want it to.
It's not going to.
I know I act all tough, and I talk
all tough, but really it's...
...it's just a front to protect yourself
from your own vulurnability.
What, you're my *** therapist now?
No, I'm a friend.
Who knows that every time you curse,
you blink.
Like your body is rejecting the word.
-It does not. *** you.
-Blinked.
-I didn't *** blink.
-Blinked again.
-***.
-Ah, you didn't blink.
"***" you're OK with.
-We were stupid.
-Yes.
-We're friends, let's stay friends.
-Yes, yes.
-I don't wanna lose this.
-Me either.
Portraits for the lovely couple.
-What the hell are we doing?
-I don't know.
Grab my hair.
Kiss my neck.
-Watch my ***.
-All right.
-I didn't know you had a tatto.
-Yeah.
Why didn't I notice that before?
Because we were drunk.
-Is he your dog?
-No, never had one.
But everyone else did, and I thought
having a dog might get a normal family...
which at 17 I desperately wanted.
So as a sign of rebellion,
you got a tattoo.
The most conventional thing
you could think of.
-It was super awesome back then.
-Check it.
-A lightning bolt?
-18. Wanted super powers.
I was a little into Harry Potter
back then.
-You were also gay back then?
-Harry Potter doesn't make you gay!
-You sure about this?
-Are you?
-No.
-Me either.
How was your day?
It was OK. I had a turkey sandwich
for lunch.
-How was that?
-It wasn't that good. How was your day?
Still trying to figure out
the subway system. It is tricky.
-My butt.
-What?
-Oh, my butt.
-Really?!
No! I mean, my butt is cramping.
Can you grab a pillow?
-So, no butt?
-No.
Really? Already?
Just kidding.
-Do you like this position?
-Yeah, it's all right.
To be honest, I feel a little emasculated.
A naked girl is lying on top of you
and you feel emasculated?
Little bit.
You do know what that word
means, right?
Yeah, I know what it means
and I feel it.
OK, all right.
You big baby.
???? fire drill.
-OK.
-Do you feel manly now?
-I do.
OK, put it in.
That's not funny.
-Yeah, it's funny.
-Kinda funny.
-Hold on.
-What's wrong?
I have to go to the bathroom.
-Now?
-Yes, now. I had a lot of water melon.
What's going on in there?
Do you know how hard it is
to pee with a ***?
-No, actually.
-It's like two lanes of traffic merging into one.
It takes time.
-Are you pooping?!
-No!
-Why are you sitting down?
-It's easier to control.
-You want a mess in here?
-No, no. Sorry.
-Oh!
-What, did I leak?
Did you wash your hands?
Dude, I know we're just friends
but I'm still a lady.
Get back in there, wash your hands
and then bring that fine *** back here.
You're talking to me like that?
I'm not gonna come back.
My hammies are killing me.
Have a banana, they're in the fridge.
Why do you keep bananas
in the fridge? It drys them out.
It doesn't. They have a peel.
It's not armor, air still gets in.
Do you want a banana or not?
Not if they're dry,
I'm not an animal.
At least I have food in the house.
All you have at home is drinkable yogourt.
I like to drink my yogourt,
it's a time saver.
You think you could use that time
to shave your stubble.
Your whiskers are like knives.
Now see, if you were my girlfriend,
I couldn't tell you to shut up right now.
And because you're just my buddy, I can tell you
that if you don't start shaving up here...
I'm gonna stop shaving...down there.
Mom!
My eyes are covered.
I don't know what you're doing.
I can't see you putting on
your black underpants.
Jamie baby, I've missed you.
Did your *** get bigger?
Mom, I'm over here.
Oh hey baby,
No, they didn't.
What are you doing here?
Victor turned out to be
a total lombard.
L.O.M.B.A.R.D.
Lots of money but a real dullard.
Victor, her fiancee.
-Ex fiancee.
-What happened?
Nothing, he was just blah.
I mean, nice, but it was like talking to dirt.
I woke up one day and I said
"Lorna", I'm Lorna.
-Dylan.
-I said "Lorna, this is not your bliss".
-Just because you're 39...
-48.
...it doesn't mean you have to settle.
He's not an insurance claim...
so I got the first plane off the island.
Cleveland is not an island.
Oh, baby, it is.
Anyway, here I am. So good to see you.
You never told me you had a hot boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend, mom.
That's right, we're just friends.
Oh, I love it. It's like the '70s in here.
That was a better time. Just sex.
A little grass, a little glue...
Not during pregnency...
well, not during the final trimester.
But no complications. Great!
Well, that's technically I guess
what this is.
That's exactly what this is.
So my daughter is just your slam piece.
No! Slam piece?
Just kidding. Slam away.
I think this is great. The only thing is it
takes you off the market...
but what the hell? The whole reason you
go to the market is to buy the produce...
which you already got.
It's so good to see you, baby.
I'm only gonna be here a few weeks.
I'm starving. You got any gin?
In the kitchen.
You gotta go.
-Was she wearing AXE body spray?
-I don't know.
Bananas in the refridgerator?
What are you, Puerto Rican?
That is terrible, mother!
Just joking. Your dad was Puerto Rican.
What? You said that he was Greek.
Potato, potato.
Just go.
Just put these on on the bike?
OK.
It was nice to have met you...
and your pants are coming off.
Mom, please!
That's what I'm talking about!
We're kicking every gay *** out here.
I don't say it out of joy,
I say it hopefully.
Any of you gay?
-Not even you?
-Come on, man.
Come talk to me after. Give me 5 minutes
of your time. I might be able to let you see some reason.
I'm supposed to meet up with Jamie.
Who's that, that head hunter?
You guys going out now?
No, no. We're just friends.
We're messing around a little bit.
-What do you mean?
-Sleeping together. But it's just sex.
It never works, bro. She's a girl.
Sex always means more to them...
-...even if the don't admit it.
-Jamie's different.
Does she have a *** where
most girls have a ***?
-No ***.
-Then she's no different.
What do you know about women anyway?
Dude, I've turned down more tail
than you'll ever have.
Yeah, bro. You're gay.
But the offers still keep rolling in, naturally.
Look at me.
And hey, I love women.
They're beautiful.
Majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures.
Smart, empathetic, far superior than men
in every way.
If I had a choice, I would be with women
to my dying day.
But me likes ***, so I'm strictly dickly.
So, it's always just about sex then?
No, I've been in a lot of...
I've been down that rabbit hole.
You know what I discovered?
It's not who you want to spend Friday night with,
it's who you want to spend all day Saturday with.
But then it's every Saturday for
the rest of your life.
It's OK, you don't get it.
It's no big deal.
But you will.
One day you'll meet someone and it will
literally take your breath away.
Like, you can't breathe.
Like, no oxygen to the lungs. Like a fish...
Yeah, I get it Tommy.
Nice work on that new online site, by the way.
What's the font on that headline?
New Times Roman?
New Times Roman. Inspired.
I'm out.
You have a boat?!
I live in Jersey. And I ain't taking no ferry.
Unless it's after dinner and a show.
Hey. You and that Dylan.
Way to go.
I mean the whole friendship-sex thing.
Kudos, baby.
It's not that big of a deal.
It's just surprising. I always thought you
were true love kinda girl.
Whatever, mom. It's not like
it's stopping me from anything.
That's what I thought back in '78.
Amd every year since.
I'm flattered actually.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
It's just surprising.
There. Done.
You look great. You look like
a princess.
-Really?
-Yeah.
My friend gave me his house is Montague
for July 4th. Let's go away together.
No men, no ***.
Just mother daughter.
Like a Nora Efron movie.
When was the last time we spent
a full weekend together?
When I was 8, that time in Vermont.
We got snowed in with that ski instructor.
-Demetri.
-Bill.
He reminded me a lot of your father.
Dark curls, olive skin.
Cold War accent.
My father was Russian?
I don't remember. But what I do remember
is that we drank a lot of *** and shot a lot of guns.
Mom, this "Who's your daddy" game
is getting really old.
I know I haven't been the
best mother in the world...
I'm sorry. Were you waiting for me
to jump in?
Come on! Go away with me.
Come on.
OK, we'll do it.
It'll be fun.
I was trying to bond. It was either this,
or sniff glue.
Sorry about my mom.
I thought she was funny.
She's really funny when
she's asking for money...
and she's hilarious when
she needs a place to stay.
Dylan I...I think I want to
start dating again.
I think we should stop this.
-I kinda think you're right.
-Right?
"Every new beginning comes from
some other beginning's end".
That actually makes sense right here.
Who'd have thought Third Eye Blid
could be so prophetic?
-It's not Third Eye Blind.
-I'm pretty sure it's Third Eye Blind.
Do you wanna go grab some lunch?
-Yes.
-OK.
-You're buying.
-What?
-Pants.
-Shirt.
So this is the end of this.
I guess so. But it's good.
-Yeah, we did it.
-With no ***.
-Shirt.
-Sweater.
We managed to actually
stay friends.
OK, so what is your type anyway?
I don't have a type. What matters
it's what's inside.
Please!
OK what about her?
Yeah, I could get to know her inside.
And she's reading a book.
It's probably Nicholas Sparks.
-I'm gonna go talk to her.
-What?
What do you mean "what"?
You said you wanted to date again.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
Now? Here? In front of all these people?
It's not like I'm gonna *** her.
I'm just gonna go talk to her.
-Well?
-We talked.
She's Belgian.
Hence the reading.
I showed her where the balcony was
but that's where she's meeting up with her...
...husband.
Anniversary trip to NY.
3 kids. Kristof, Karlina and Pekin.
Shut up.
Why are you still laughing?
At least I gave it a shot.
Fine. I'll go next.
See if I still have game.
OK, right here. 11 o'clock. Ice coffee.
Handsome, but doesn't know it.
Staring at a tree which means he's actually
at the park for nature...
and not to watch women sunbathe.
-Or he's retarted.
-Don't care. I'm going in.
Excuse me...
OK his name is Parker...
he's a children's oncologist...
and I have a date this Saturday.
-Nice.
-Thank you.
Why did you wave to me?
I told him you are my gay best friend
so he wants to set you up with his brother.
College, med school
and I haven't slept since.
You actually cure cancer.
Well...
Me and God.
What?
I'm kidding. Can you imagine
someone would actually say that?
Yeah, I could. I've been out
with a lot of them.
-Cancer doctors?
-No, ***.
Hopefully you're all done with that.
Although I gotta warn you. Lot of
cancer doctors, big ***.
-Really!
-Yeah.
Oh and brain surgeons,
huge perverts.
They're doing this,
and a little bit of that.
When can I see you again?
Right now.
I'm just kidding.
Can you imagine
someone would actually say that?
I played the tuba in high school.
World's stupidest instrument.
Especially when you move 8 times.
Why did you move?
My mom really likes to break up
with guys and she's really good at it.
-Was your dad one of them?
-He was long before that.
I actually never knew my dad.
Sorry. That sucks.
All right look, I think I should probably
tell you something.
Please don't tell me you're a dude.
Because that would be the 3d time
since I moved here...
and I don't think I can handle that.
I have a 5 date rule.
You know, like 5 dates before we...
I saw it in a movie,
thought I'd give it a try.
You're worth waiting for.
I'm sure that was the line
in the movie, so...
Awesome. This 4 year old I've been working on
for the last couple of months, he's gonna be fine.
That's great!
How is a guy like you single?
I just been waiting for someone
to come up to me in the park...
compliment me for looking at
the trees and not sunbathers.
I meant it, it was impressive.
Actually if I'm gonna be completely
hosnest with you...
I was sleeping standing up.
I worked 36 hours straight.
I don't even know how I got
to the park.
How is a girl like you single?
I have issues.
One might even call me damaged.
Actually, one did call me damaged.
Get outta here!
Damaged how?
I kinda believe in true love.
That there might be a Prince Charming
out there for me.
Listen, I know this is probably a "no"
coz all you do is work like a dull boy...
but if you like to come get a beer...
-Nah, I'm good.
-It's not a gay bar.
There just as many hot girls
as hot guys.
You know what? I will come out.
All right. Let's find you a lady.
-Still not gay right?
-Nope.
-What?
-Do you know what today is?
Date no.5.
I wasn't even counting.
-Wanna go to the bedroom?
-No, here's fine.
So glad I met you.
You too.
What are you thinking?
Just...how great you are.
Annie, hey.
Who the *** is Annie?
My sister.
Better be.
I'll cut her.
Of course I'm coming.
Yeah, I'm taking the 4th off,
so I'll be there for 3 days.
How's dad?
Any worse?
Tell him I said hi.
Bye, Banannie.
I want you to meet my parents.
No...you...really?
God!
Hey, hold on.
Hold on, just give me a second.
I'm gonna find a place to talk.
***!
-Sorry.
-Hold on.
I was out pretty late last night.
When I got in, you and your girlfriend
were on the couch...
so I just crushed in your bed.
-He's not a girl.
-He smells like a girl.
-You smelled him?
-I want to buy marshmellows.
-What did you say?
-For Montague this weekend.
I want to do a camp fire.
Like when you were little.
-OK.
-And then we're gonna look for sticks.
I hear you, sticks.
And then we're gonna sing.
What's up?
Do you think guys care more about global
warming or how to wear white pants to a cookout?
That depends. Do you have a
hot model in a bikini sitting in an ice cap?
No. Ski slope.
I'd still go with pants to a cookout.
Me too.
How's your boy Parker?
Still staring at trees?
Yeah, he still looking up at trees but this
time it's actually in my apartment.
-5th date already?
-Maybe.
Did you guys...
5th date?
-How dare you? A lady never tells.
-I know, that's why I'm asking you.
Hey, I gotta go. You have a great
trip in LA and call me when you land.
Parker!
I got us coffees. Non fat,
one sugar.
I gotta get going.
What? I thought you weren't
on call today.
I'm not, but I got that thing...
They just called me.
-Really?
-Yeah.
The sneak out. How incredibly cliche of you.
I just...
I don't think I can be your
Prince Charming.
You totally didn't get anything
that I was saying, did you?
-No, no. I think you're great.
-You too.
You know, you and I should
stay friends.
-Really?
-No. Go *** yourself!
Who sleeps standing up?
You know, you'd be really proud of me.
I didn't even blink when I told him
to go *** himself.
-You did just then, though.
-This doesn't count. I'm not in the moment.
Maybe I suck in bed.
Trust me, you don't suck in bed.
-Thank you.
-So needy.
Hey, maybe the guy's married
or something.
No. Did a background check at work.
Single, no criminal history,
credit report 7020.
Background check.
Did you do one on me?
How could you possibly max out
an Old Navy card?
After college I was
really into cargo pants.
I got to stop thinking it's not me.
It's gotta be me.
It's not you. Nothing
is wrong with you.
He's a guy. You gave him a
5 date challenge, he got it and cut out.
Forget the ***.
He's a ***.
He's a *** ***.
Go have fun with your mom.
Almost forgot.
I got you something.
It's Lt. Kali, the street artist
we talked about.
I got him to do something for you.
FTALE. Fairytale.
I know you're into that
girly ***.
This is so cool.
It's actually really sweet.
-It's cool, right?
-Yeah. Thank you.
I'm gonna need to borrow
cab fare.
I'm not taking that thing
in the subway. I don't wanna get rolled.
No problem. As long as you get your
feet off my bed. They're disgusting.
What are you doing?
Why you're doing that?
Mom come on, we gotta
get on the road.
Mom?
Why did I think this time
would be any different?
-Come with me to LA.
-What?
What else are you gonna do?
It's 4th of July.
Everybody's left the city.
You're very sweet for asking
but it's fine.
You know what, I'll just stay here.
I'll be fine alone.
I know you'll be fine alone,
you're not a baby in a hot car.
I'm actually asking you to come
because it will help me.
You'd be a great distraction
for my family.
They'll forget all about drilling me
for being single.
Won't they think we're together?
Not if I told them we're not.
-And they'll believe you?
-Yeah. We're one of these...
crazy families that doesn't lie to each other.
PBS is doing a documentary on us.
Come on, they'll love you. All fast talking and brass,
it's like I'm bringing home a carnie.
You're really nice to ask
but I'm just gonna stay here.
Go to the gym.
I just got you a ticket with
my miles. It's done. Meet me at JFK.
-But...
-No buts!
Like you were gonna
go to the gym.
I wasn't.
LA is so nice.
And everyone is so genuine
and level headed.
Thanks for this.
You're good peeps.
You're the good peeps, dude.
You haven't met my family,
you don't know what you're in for.
You know these planes
pretty much land themselves?
Nobody cares, you sound
like an ***.
She's from NY.
I'm sorry.
Wow. This looks normal.
It is.
You grew up here?
It was my grandfather's.
He bought it when there
was nothing else here.
My dad, my sister and her son
live here now.
Why would you move to NY?
I was conned by some head hunter.
-You're here!
-Sammy!
-Uncle Dylan!
-What's up, buddy?
Jamie, this is my nephew.
Sam, the magnificent.
-Hello.
-May I offer you a light for your cigarette?
I'm sorry, I don't smoke.
Just pretend, he's a magician.
Of course I'll have a cigarette.
Smoking is great for you.
-Thank you, good sir.
-My pleasure, my lady.
All part of the illusion.
-Jet skis later?
-Definitely.
-Still into magic, uh?
-Yeah.
But I'll take that over him sexting
his friends any day.
Jamie, this is my sister Annie.
Thank you for having me.
It's nice to have Dylan
bring a girl home.
-We're just friends.
-No, I know.
If you were his girlfriend, he never
would have brought you here.
-This one has intimacy issues.
-I know.
-Dylan.
-Dad!
-How you doing, buddy?
-I'm good.
I miss you guys,
but I'm good.
Didi Spencer?
Jamie. Dylan's friend.
I'm sorry.
For a minute you reminded me
of a girl I used to know.
No, that's OK.
It happens.
-Nice to meet you.
-Pleasure meeting you. You have a beautiful house.
Thank you. Pool's a little cold.
But it's very expensive to heat.
I think I'm gonna in and
check the tide tables.
I'm taking the boat out early
in the morning. You should come.
Oh, I would love to.
We sold the boat. The doctor doesn't
want you driving the boat anymore.
It's turned into mush.
It's good to see you, buddy.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice meeting you, too.
-Jamie.
-Yes.
What's with the pants?
He doesn't like them anymore.
It's getting worse.
So good to have you here.
Go show her the beach.
Let me show you the beach.
Go, get sandy.
Dylan never told me about your dad.
Yeah, it's been tough on him.
They were real close.
Dylan doesn't quite know how to deal with
the Alzheimer's.
Sorry.
He'll be his regular old self, everything
seems fine and then in a flash, he is gone.
-That's Dylan when he was 9.
-Are those braids?
He was going through a Kriss Kross phase.
Remember them? "Kriss Kross will make you jump jump".
-Is that your mom?
-No, that's Dylan's speech therapist.
He had a stutter.
It got real bad when he was nervous.
Rough childhood.
-His math tutor called it "character building".
-Math tutor?
We're talking like 8x6=1200.
But he's very visual. Thank God.
Could you please explain to me this photo?
That is my 12th birthday surprise party.
I'm exhausted. I'm gonna go to bed.
-Jamie, all good with your room?
-Yeah, it's perfect.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
Sammy and I built a saw a girl in half-box,
just be careful on your way to bed.
-He's not using a real saw, is he?
-Of course he is. He's magnificent.
I'll make sure he brushes his teeth
and you, don't believe anything she says. She's a liar.
-He's a pretty special guy.
-Yeah, I think so.
-You up?
-Yeah, come in.
I thought you were going to bed.
I was but then I realised, we are
both single again.
Oopsie!
-Dude, no.
-Why not?I washed my hands.
With soap this time.
Are you serious? Why would you
just assume?
You cracked your neck on the porch.
This thing. That should tell, remember?
I cracked my neck because we were on a
flight for 6 hours.
And you were yapping my ear off about how
planes all fly themselves.
And it actually kinked my neck a bit.
-So...no?
-No. I'm not having sex with you.
Is it your special time? They
have an app for that. No, wait.
No. You're good to go.
We talked about this.
I just got dumbed so…
OK, I'm sorry. I thought this was gonna be
a good way to take your mind off of him.
I don't function that way. Sex is not gonna help.
But you know what will? Emotional support.
Before we had sex without emotion and now we
have emotion without sex.
Exactly.
I just need you to be my friend right now.
OK. So, I'll listen to you while you
give me a hand job.
-No.
-I'm kidding. Goodnight.
Wait, hold on. Friends can still hung out.
And I don't know…listen to music.
Listen to music?
I'm gonna kill Annie.
I can't believe you used to like them.
I didn't like these guys. I don't even remember…
I don't know what he says right there but…
You're kidding me? These dudes were da bomb!
Everybody had bawls, wore them backwards,
baseball jerseys…
I went as Kriss Kross 3 years
in a row for Halloween.
-Poor kid.
-I'm not proud of it.
I borrowed one of your books, I hope
that's OK.
Have you never really
brought a girl home before?
I brought you here.
I mean like a real girl. Not a friend.
-A real girl.
-Yeah.
I guess not.
Separation of church and state.
Yes, build up as many walls as possible,
that's really healthy.
You talking to me about walls?
What about you and your mom?
Couldn't get me out of there fast enough
when she walked in on us.
That was for your own protection.
I'm just surprised she didn't try to
slip you her number, or something.
Oh, she did. She put it in my phone.
-Under MILF.
-Oh my God.
That's cool. We only hooked up
like twice.
I'm starting to get a mental image.
-I have a video image if you want.
-Just stop it.
What?
Nothing. Just glad I met you.
Knowing you doesn't
suck either.
-I thought you said…
-I know what I said.
Oopsie!
Good morning.
Is it always this beautiful out here?
Between the fires and the floods,
we get about 10 good days.
No, no. Here. You two sit together.
Are you sure?
You don't have to do that, dad.
No, I know. I'm gonna look at the boat.
I love that boat.
Coffee, my lady?
Yes, please.
Thank you.
All right, man!
Look at you!
Pretty impressive.
Your shirt's leaking.
Apologies.
Here.
-You OK?
-Yeah. You?
Yeah.
-See, Sammy?
-Yeah. Wow.
-Pretty cool, uh?
-Yeah.
God, it's nice.
I do miss the mornings out here.
Right before it burns off,
really it's beautiful.
I like Jamie.
And she's pretty, too.
Hey, easy dude.
Don't you go casting a spell on her.
I'm a magician, not a wizard.
You and your gay Harry Potter.
You can't deny that going to Hogwarts
wouldn't be life changing.
I miss you.
I miss you too, bud.
Mom misses you.
And so does grandpa.
Does he say anything?
No. But sometimes he calls me Dylan.
He said that he didn't want the job.
That he was just coming to NY
to explore his options.
What a crock of gas.
Fly cross country to explore options?
Please, I don't think so.
Exactly! I knew I had him the second
he got off that plane.
-Did you now?
-Yeah.
Was that in the same second you leapt on
to the baggage claim barefoot and acted out…
a scene from "Will&Grace"?
-She did?
-Oh yeah, you should have seen her.
"Look at me, I'm goofy but cute".
-It was all part of my plan.
-Part of your plan.
Did you major in planning
at Head Hunting college?
-So clever.
-It's not a real college by the way, buddy.
You guys bicker like an old
married couple.
Here, pick a card, my lady.
No, not that one. The one on top.
This is a good one.
Did you get her an engagement gift?
We're not engaged, dad.
We're not together. We're just friends.
You want to wait, I understand.
But, get her some jewelry.
The only thing your mom wants is jewelry.
I don't care how upset she is,
I get her jewelry, she lights right up.
Where is she anyway?
-She's not here, dad.
-I know, that's why I asked. Where is she?
-She's not coming.
-Why not?
She doesn't live with you anymore, pop.
-You're not married.
-What?
She left about 10 years ago.
I don't understand.
She divorced you, dad.
Let's call her.
-Dad, you can't!
-Stop telling me what to do!
-You OK, dad?
-Fine, fine.
-Let me help you up.
-Don't.
Here we are.
This is beautiful.
This is where I used to come and think.
My rooftop.
Ok, how high do you think that fence is?
I'm a little over 6 foot, looks like
it's about 3 of me,so…
6 times 3…
92 feet.
92 feet? That's really tall, right?
But they don't want you to get up there,
so I guess that makes sense.
-Wait. 6 times 3…
-You poor kid.
-What's up?
-Come on.
Where you're going?
Jaime, no, no, wait.
They take this *** seriously, OK?
Look at all the cameras.
This is the only landmark the city has…
other than the Scientology center.
And if any of these cameras are hooked up
to the actual Scientology center…
that was an inappropriate joke and
I apologise.
I believe in the freedom of science fiction.
Sorry.
***!
Come on!
You've really never been up here before?
No. I also never transferred heroine
in my *** coz it's against the law.
You know sometimes a simple "yes or no"
answer is adequate.
Hey, why didn't you tell me
about your mom?
She's not worth talking about.
That's rough.
So's leaving your husband and kids.
You never told me about him either.
There's a lot of stuff you didn't tell me.
I don't want your pity.
I can handle anything except...
the look in people's eyes.
That one.
Who cares what anybody thinks?
He's the smartest man I've ever known.
He's the only person I'd ever got to for advice.
He's my dad.
He's still the same man.
When I see the way people look at him now…
It doesn't matter how people look at him.
All that matters is how you look at him.
He's walking around without his pants.
Everyone's staring…
-So what?
-It's embarrassing.
He needs to know that nothing's changed.
That he's still that same man to you.
Can we stop talking about this?
Yeah. Let's not talk about our feelings.
I'm trying not to.
Come on, is something going on here?
You've been acting really weird.
-No, I haven't.
-Yeah, you have.
Is this about what happened the other night?
What sex? That doesn't mean anything.
You know that.
Right.
-And I haven't been acting weird.
-OK.
-***!
-I told you!
-I'm sorry!
-***!
We got to jump!
-Dylan, jump!
-I'm frozen!
-This is your last warning…
-I have a fear of heights.
And also, helicopters.
They don't make sense to me.
What do you mean you have a fear of heights?
Why would you come up here?
You called me a ***!
A bizarre situation this afternoon
in the Southland.
LAPD rescued a local man
from the Hollywood sign.
They actually wrapped you in a foil blanket.
Did you run a marathon before this?
No, no. I wanna save it.
Give me the remote.
It's OK. It'll be up on YouTube.
You're still good to take dad that week
after I go to DC for Sam's class trip, right?
Yeah. He's gonna stay with me in NY.
So, when are we gonna see Jamie again?
I don't know.
What's your problem? Did you have
a fight with your girlfriend?
She's not my girlfriend.
Why don't you believe me?
I would believe you if you
didn't lie to me.
I saw you creeping out of her
room the other night.
Like you just had sex,
if you know what I mean.
Yes, I know what you mean.
You just said it.
And how do you know what I
look like after I have...
I'm not talking to you about this,OK?
We're not together.
-Dylan.
-Enough. We're not talking about it.
Forgot my saw.
Be right back.
I'll wait here.
Don't worry about me.
Friends who have sex?
What are you, in college?
-It doesn't matter, it's over.
-Why?
Because we don't like each other like that.
Ok, you know what?
Can we just talk about this?
Sit down.
What more are you looking for?
Who says I'm looking for anything?
Dylan!
I don't know, but it's not Jaime.
Why, because you're great together?
Because you're actually friends with each other?
Because this is the happiest
I have ever seen you?
I don't know what to tell you, Annie.
She's not for me.
I don't like her like that.
You like her enough to have
sex with her.
It's just physical.
Like playing tennis.
I don't even know what that means, Dylan.
I haven't seen you this dumb since
you got that candy corn tattoo.
It's a lightning bolt!
With extra powers!
You can't name one thing that's
wrong with her.
I can never go out with her.
She's too *** up.
Besides, she doesn't want a boyfriend.
She's too damaged.
Magnum PI couldn't solve the *** that's
going on in her head.
You'll say anything right now not to admit
that you're perfect for each other.
-Why am I still having this conversation?
-Because I'm right.
-Good talk, Annie.
-Dylan…
Oh you're men. You like sports.
Hey, we were waiting for you.
I actually got a call from work.
I should be in a red-eye tonight back to NY.
-Tonight?
-Yeah.
-Tomorrow's the 4th.
-I know. It sucks.
At least let me drive you to the airport.
No, it's fine. Stay. I already called a cab.
It's out front.
Thank you guys for everything.
And thank you for letting me stay here.
it's been pretty great.
-Everything OK, buddy?
-Yeah, buddy. Everything's great.
I really got to go.
So, thank you again.
I'm sorry I have to go.
Let Dylan drive you.
Do you want to take some
food to go?
Want me to saw you in half?
We can send your bottom part to NY
and your top half can stay here.
Or the whole of you could stay.
OK I'm sorry.
I got to go.
Jamie!
She's gone.
She hopped in the cab.
We should eat.
-Hungry, buddy?
-Yeah.
Hey, bro. You hungry?
Coz I'm gonna get something to eat.
Thanks, man. I think I'm just gonna
work through lunch.
A work ethic. I love it.
That is why this country
is still number 1.
Well, behind Germany and France
and Belgium and Japan and China.
Thank God for Bangladesh.
By the way, why did you take your door
of its lovely hinges?
It was dumb, man. Something I saw
in a management book.
Right. That's how Warren Buffett got rich.
He took doors off of things.
Hey, everybody wants a shortcut in life.
My guide book is very simple.
You wanna lose weight,
stop eating, fatty.
You wanna make money,
work your *** off, lazy.
You wanna be happy,
find someone you like and never let him go.
Or her, if you're into that
kinda creepy ***.
Hi. you reached Jamie-. I can't pick up the
phone right now.
Please leave a message
and I'll call you back.
Mom, you gotta point it at the screen.
You got to tell it where you are.
FIne. I'm over here, pouring myself a drink.
Oh, *** call.
I can take a walk around the block.
No, no.
That's OK.
This is your apartment. I don't
wanna *** block you.
That's Dylan, right?
-He seemed pretty great.
-You met him once.
That's more than anybody else you dated.
You think maybe I keep my worlds apart
for some crazy reason?
I...am an ***.
We're looking for someone to lead the re-design
of our entire web site.
Someone to turn it completely upside down.
But you can't tell me what
company you work for.
For confidentiality reasons, no.
Can you give me a hint?
We may or may not be the largest seller of
purchased goods on the internet.
By purchased goods, I mean books.
You just placed the new art director
over at GQ, right?
-Yeah.
-That's the type of guy we want.
That's THE guy we want. Can you get him
to come out to us?
No longer have a relationship with him.
Can you get to him?
He's still in the 1st year of his contract.
So that would be inappropriate.
So it's paying full price for a book at Barnes&Noble
but people do dumb ***.
Hi. you reached Jamie-. I can't pick up the
phone right now.
Please leave a message
and I'll call you back.
Wow. Right to voice mail.
Didn't even ring.
Jamie.
How did you know I was up here?
Only place in the city you don't
get reception.
Why are you avoiding me?
-I'm not.
-Really? Come on, Jamie.
Well Dylan, I don't know if you heard but
I'm seriously *** up.
Magnum PI couldn't solve
the *** going on up here.
-My God, I'm sorry.
-I'm just gonna go.
Try to fix the *** going on in my head,
if that's even possible.
I shouldn't have said that. I was just trying to get
my sister off my back.
I thought we liked each other.
Me too, Dylan. I thought we were friends.
But friends don't go talking ***
about each other.
Which must mean that you and I,
were actually never friends.
That all you wanted,
was to get in my pants.
-What?
-You jumped at the chance at your dad's house.
You cracked your neck, I thought
you were giving me a sign.
We talked about this.
Oh my God, really?
You pulled my robe off.
"Oopsie!" Remember?
Yeah, and then you snuck out of the room.
Oopsie, remember that?
Are you pissed off at me because
I didn't cuddle?
Isn't that why we started this whole
arrangement in the first place?
You wanted this.
I wanted this?
Just me.
God, you're just like every other guy.
The sad thing is Dylan, I actually
thought you were different.
Different from what? I'm not your
boyfriend, I'm your friend.
With friends like you, who needs friends?
Thank you for ruining my mountaintop.
***.
Hey, man. You can't be up here.
-You OK?
-Fine.
-Brice…this is for me?
-Yeah.
And so is this.
Maddison, will you marry me?
You bet your ***.
-I love NY.
-I love you.
Oh my God look, the Empire State building.
Oh look, the statue of Liberty.
This is Jamie.
What do you mean, they went to
him directly?
Is he gonna take it?
No, no. I'll handle it.
I'll call him right now.
Hey, this is Dylan. Leave a message.
Excuse me, may I help you?
Hi. Where is Dylan Harper?
He's at a photo shoot for the sports issue.
That's right. Photo shoot.
Where was that again?
I'm sorry, who are you?
One of the models.
I have the perfect body for PhotoShop.
This gets more angular, these get longer,
this gets way more christian…
So, where did you say he was again?
Sports is the last chance we have for
brining our world together, bro.
So I just wanted to shoot some photos
that speak to that.
To the unification of all people
through sport.
OK guys, let's go.
That's it. Beautiful.
Now put your arms around each other.
Like you like each other, like you love each other.
-Too gay?
-A little bit.
Throw some girls in there.
Come on, ladies.
Girls, girls. OK.
Blend in.
Dylan.
What are you doing here?
You met for another job.
You're going to leave now?
I don't know. Yeah, I took one meeting.
I can't believe you.
Come here.
-Is this your way of getting back at me?
-What?
You know that if you leave
before the year's up, I get screwed.
Oh, right. If I did leave, which I don't know yet,
because all I did was take one meeting…
I'll write you a check for your bonus.
Whatever it is I'll pay for it. Happy now?
We good?
Why didn't you tell me you were looking?
That's personal. And we're not friends anymore.
You made that pretty clear.
See, all I wanted to do is have
sex with you, remember?
Pretend you were the best friend I ever had.
Open up to you like I've never done with anyone ever.
And then when the sex stopped, invite you to LA
for the weekend to…
introduce you to my family.
-I'll send you a check if I take the job.
-Don't bother.
-Hey, Dyl.
-Dad's coming in to NY airport, right?
Yeah, he leaves at 9 our time.
9. So, it's a 5 hour flight, 3 hour time difference,
so he get's in at…
-32.
-5. Be there at 5, Dylan.
Right. How is dad?
He's lost more often than not now.
But then he has his moments of real clarity.
It'*** or miss.
How's Jamie?
-That's over.
-Oh, Dylan…
-OK, we're done.
-Don't be an idiot. Please.
Thank you, Annie. I'll pick up dad
tomorrow at the airport.
32 sharp.
I love you.
I don't know what it is.
I just can't get myself to start looking
for a replacement for him, assuming that he leaves.
Do you want some motherly love advice?
-Not really.
-Good, coz I don't know how to do that.
What I do know is that it's not great God damn
secret your live in fear of repeating my mistakes.
And you're not wrong, so learn from me.
Do you know how many men in my life
I thought were really perfect?
-80.
-1.
-81?
-1.
It was your dad. Greatest man I ever met.
Obviously, look at you.
How smart you are, how great,
how funny, how driven.
Your faintly Middle-Eastern beauty.
Surely it hasn't all come from me.
OK, but seriously mom. Do you really not
remember where my dad's from?
Or is it like a coping mechanism?
Little of both.
But I'm pretty sure he's EurAsian.
I mean, we all have our Prince Charming.
You just gotta know him when you see him.
Mom, it's Prince Charming.
You should just know.
Your Prince Charming isn't coming to rescue you
in a horse and carriage, that's not who you are.
You're looking for a man to be your partner.
To take on the world with.
You've gotta update your fairy tale, baby.
My Prince Charming?
You.
A wheelchair. Like I'm an invalid.
-How was the flight?
-I'm hungry.
You know they don't serve food
in coach anymore?
You'd think with these new planes that
practically fly themselves…
they'd get rid of the pilot and
use his salary for a hot lunch.
I know, right? Let's get you some food.
Engineering on these planes is so advanced,
it's completely computerized.
-Like playing a video game.
-Exactly.
How long have we been waiting?
It's ridiculous.
I'll be right back, OK?
Excuse me.
We've been waiting a while.
-Harper.
-I got you, I got you.
I sit people in the order they came.
I totally understand that, but I'm
with my dad.
-And he's not in the best shape.
-I'm sorry.
Is there no way we could like,
squeeze a table…
No, I gotta go by the list.
Dad?
Dad?
Dad?
You gonna join me?
Absolutely.
Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry.
You can't do this.
Could I get a stake medium, please?
-Sir, this is the Daily Grill.
-Make that two.
Didi? Didi!
Dad.
Who is Didi?
She's just a girl that I met
in the Navy.
She was the love of my life.
Why didn't you tell me about it before?
It's not something you discuss
with your children.
Besides, I have you and Annie.
I have no regrets.
So tell me now.
She was the love of my life, and I was
too stupid to realize it and I lost her…
because of something so dumb
I don't even remember.
And I never really got over it.
And I think that may be
one of the reasons your mom left.
You know, my friends used to say that when Didi and I
looked at each other, it was electric.
And I let her go.
I just let her go.
Because I was too damn proud to tell her how
I really felt about her.
I'll tell you something I wish I knew
when I was your age.
And I know you heard it a million times,
life is short.
But let me tell you something.
What this is teaching me…
is that life is God damn short
and you can't waste a minute of it.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
The girl I brought home to LA…
-Jamie…
-Yeah, what's going on with her?
I think I messed it up.
-Fix it.
-She won't talk to me.
Maybe she'll listen.
There's always a way.
If you think there's even a chance that
she could be it, you fix it.
Did Annie put you up to this?
Who's Annie?
I'm kidding. I can't joke about this?
Jesus Christ, dad.
I don't know what else to do.
Let's go.
You don't wanna finish your stake?
We're eating in a God damn airport.
I can leave the stake. Come on.
This is Dylan Harper from GQ.
We met a few weeks ago.
Right.
I want to ask you a huge favor.
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
-It's my fault.
No, no. My fault. You all right?
-Let me help you with that.
-Thanks, you're really nice.
All right. Hey, stay proud.
You gotta be *** kidding me.
All right, let's dance, cloudy brown.
What's your problem with me?
I saw you at that bar with Jamie.
How can such an awesome girl
be with this…
over this?
I've been trying to take that little
monkey to pound town for years.
I'll tell her you say hello.
-What?
-You've missed a little…
There you go.
Dylan, I got a cab. Come on.
I ever run into you again, I'll crush your earlobes
and make soup stock out of them.
-You've a vivid imagination.
-I do.
-Getting in a cab now.
-I'm gonna make soup.
-What's the matter with her?
-I don't know.
I thought LA was bad.
This traffic is terrible.
Is there any other way into the city?
I owe you big time, Tommy.
You'll make it up to me.
Actually, I was heading in to town anyway.
Tonight's the Butterfly ball. Great place to
pick up dudes.
-You OK dad?
-Are you kidding?
1937 chris craft, couldn't get
any better, buddy.
Hi, this is Dylan. We met at…
Right.
Can I ask you a huge favor?
My number…
Here's the remote.
My friend Dave from across the hall,
his oven broke, so he'll be using the kitchen.
You friend Dave is here using the kitchen
or watching me?
Go.
-Holy!
-What?
How to wear white pants to a cookout.
Did you scoop the Times on this?
I smell Pulitzer.
All right, all right.
Just say hello to her for me, will you?
See you, dad.
Hi Dave from across the hall.
Hi Mr. Harper.
How are you?
And now I know why you're here.
Mom, I'm over by the exit.
Where are you?
I'm standing right by the guy
in the tie.
There's are a million guys in ties.
Look for the guy I'm standing next to.
You never do what you say you're gonna do.
When am I gonna learn?
Just hang on, baby.
What?
I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it.
Something came up.
Let's meet tomorrow. I'll be on the stairs.
Right across from you.
Oh my God.
Have a great night, baby.
What is this?
"Closing Time" by the band Semisonic.
It's not Third Eye Blind, can you believe that?
Not the song.
This.
You said you wanted your life to be
like the movies.
Sorry I had to use the real Grand Central
instead of a fake one.
-Listen…
-I'm having trouble hearing you.
Yeah, I didn't really think this through.
I guess in the movies the guy pours his heart out
and they put the music in later.
What?
I messed up.
I was scared.
Look what happened to my mom and
my dad, of course I was scared.
I ruined it.
Everything that happened in the day, all I could
think to myself is I can't wait to tell Jamie about this.
When I see someone cursing, all I
picture is you blinking.
And when I hear a kid's been cured of cancer,
I pray it's not by the *** bag…
tree hugging, *** doctor who ran
out on you.
I mean, cancer being cured is awesome.
But you know, I wish someone else did it.
Come on.
-I miss you.
-I miss you, too.
But you're not wrong,
I am damaged.
So am I.
Who isn't? It's what
makes us so awesome.
And our tattoos.
No, no, no.
Shut up, it's not what you think.
Jamie, will you be my
best friend again?
-That is so lame.
-Oh, I know.
It's some Prince Charming *** though, right?
-Get up.
-OK.
Look. I can live without ever having
sex with you again.
It'd be really hard.
I want my best friend back.
Because I'm in love with her.
-Under one condition.
-Anything.
Kiss me.
In public, in front of all these people?
You can all go home now.
What do we do now?
Have our first date.
Oh my God!
Did you get a horse and carriage?
Yeah, that's not for you.
Thank God! Horses actually
scare the *** out of me.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-So, where are you from?
-California.
Interesting.
I'm from LA.
Just moved to NY.
Interesting. I didn't really ask,
but go on.
I'm excited.
I'm on a first date.
This isn't weird at all.
So…
Yeah, *** it.
Subtitles/Synch: AtenRa