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On the day I was born
The nurses all gathered round
And they gazed in wide wonder
At thejoy they had found
The head nurse spoke up
Said "Leave this one alone"
She could tell right away
That I was bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
[sound of rapid gunfire]
Bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
Let's move out!
B-b-b-b bad
B-b-b-b bad
Bad to the bone
When I walk the streets
Kings and queens step aside
When I meet them
They all stay satisfied
I wanna tell you this, baby
Where I see I make my home
I'm here to tell ya, honey
That I'm bad to the bone
My arm! I've been shot!
Let me take a Iook at that
Want me to show you a Iittle trick?
Take your mind off that arm?
Give me your hand
You may feel a Iittle pressure
[agonised cry]
My finger! My finger!
Works every time
Well, I'm bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-b-b-b bad
B-b-b-b bad
B-b-b-b bad
Bad to the bone
You had better give up, senor
You cannot kiII us aII
Nope, but I can clean your colon out
quicker than one of them burritos
with extra guacamole sauce
Bad to the bone
B-b-b-b bad
B-b-b-b bad
B-b-b-b bad
At ease, Payne
Relax Do you know why you're here?
Sir, no, sir!
The promotion board report
came out Iast week
This is the new Lieutenant Colonel Iist
Your name is not on it
You get two chances to advance
then we gotta show you the hatch
Base Admin is cutting
your discharge orders right now
General, are you tryin' to teII me
in aII this man's military
there's no room Ieft
for a trained weapon of destruction?
Fighting is no Ionger done
on the battlefields
Now aII the blood is shed in Congress
Boys Iike us are becoming dinosaurs
Gotta be somebody need some kiIIin'
I'm sorry, Major, there's no one Ieft
You've kiIIed 'em aII Good Iuck
[Payne] It's been two whole weeks
since I killed me a man
and already I'm startin' to get the itch
Problem is, I ain't got nothin' to scratch
God, I'm hungry
Hungry for action
Hungry for blood
Hell, I'm just plain ol' hungry
[cat meows and he hisses]
Feel I'm gettin' weaker
while Charlie's growin' stronger
in thejungle
I can't lose my edge
I gotta keep my strength up
Gotta maintain discipline
Because the hard reality was
I gotta get a job
And what better place than somewhere
that would allow me to employ
my skills as a trained killer?
Mister Payne?
This is a dramatisation
of a domestic violence dispute
You arrive to find a woman,
played by Ms Goodman
Ma'am
claiming to have been assaulted
by her husband, Mr Shipman
- Happy to meet you
- Same here
Your objective is to effectively
neutralise the situation
Neutralise
Begin
He hit me!
- You Iike to beat women?
- Officer, I
Don't never hit her again!
- Hear me?
- I can I
[electronic door buzzer]
Payne, what happened?
You've only been out one week
It's civilian Iife, sir I had a minor setback
I made some caIIs
and I got you an assignment
It's not great, you understand,
but it gets you back in the military
[Payne] So after two and a haIf weeks
of livin' a civilian puke's existence,
I was back in uniform, back in the corps
Back to the sweet smell
of mustard gas and killin'
Little did I know what awaited for me
I've toured 11 separate engagements,
from Iraq to Haiti,
but nothin' I did would prepare me
for this newest assignment
I was told it would be
my greatest challenge
It was sure to be a living hell
[tannoy] The Glee Club
will be meeting at 330
[bell]
Will the teachers
please report to the quad
for the science fairjudging
[woman] Tiger? Tiger, come back here
I'm not gonna chase you
- What you runnin' from, boy?
- She's tryin' to give me a shot!
You don't Iike needles?
Want me to show you a Iittle trick,
take your mind off that pain?
Here, gimme your hand
Now, you may feel a Iittle bit of pressure
Hi, I'm Emily Walburn, the schooI
counseIIor You must be Major Payne
That's a mighty fine handshake
you got there
You wanna wrestle?
No, thanks I wrestle with these kids aII day
This one's usuaIIy my big helper
Come on, Tiger Nice meeting you, Major
Nice meetin' you, miss ma'am
Tiger! Tiger, come back here!
I'm not gonna chase you
Mmm
- [knocking]
- Come in
Major Payne reportin' for duty, sir!
[buzzing]
What?
Major Payne The new commandant?
Oh, right
You're in charge of the green boys
Come again?
The green boys
They wear those green things
You know, it's funny, when they stand
in front of bushes, I can't see them
Why are you here?
The ROTC programme I understand
you've been placin' Iast eight years runnin'
in the Virginia Military Games
I am here to remedy that
We have an ROTC programme?
- The green boys, sir
- Oh, right
Between us, I don't care
what you do with those boys,
as Iong as you keep them out of my hair
Is that aII?
Would you Iike a campus tour?
No I'd Iike to see my men
FaII in! Move it, you idiots! Let's go!
Come on, WiIIiams! Let's move it
Get a hop on it, boy!
Move!
FaII in, everyone! FaII in! Let's go!
Come on, people! Move!
Hustle, hustle, hustle! Let's go Giddy-up!
Let's go!
Sir, the squad is formed, sir!
Carry on
[rhythmic clapping]
My name
is Major Benson Winifred Payne
As of 0800
I am replacin' Major Frankfurt
as your commanding officer
[half-hearted booing]
[rapid gunfire]
See now, what we have here
is a failure to communicate
Do not attempt
to chaIIenge my authority!
I have eight weeks
to turn you gaggle of maggots
into a weII-disciplined cadet unit
From this day forward,
your sorry *** belong to me
You wiII not eat, sleep, drink,
blow your nose or even dig in your butts
without my say-so!
Know this KiIIin' is my business, Iadies,
and business is good!
Boo-hoo
- What?
- I have to go to the bathroom
- You hold it, ***
- I can't!
I said hold it, or I'II break that off
and kick it around on the ground
Now, be advised, Iadies,
we are going to win
the Virginia Military Games!
I said win Whiskey, Indian, November
Get used to the sound of that word!
- Major Payne!
- What, boy? What, what, what?
I did somethin' bad
You nasty Iittle worm!
Go change your Huggies, boy,
and be back here pronto!
Stop that cryin'! You'II get no pity from me!
You think your tears'II stop Charlie
from takin' his bayonet
and stickin' it in your Iittle tiny heart?
What the heII was that,
you Iittle freckle-faced cartoon?
Did I give you permission to sneeze?
- No, sir
- Then you hold it in, you big-eared ***,
otherwise I'II kick your ***
back to Mayberry!
I see we have a sickly boy on our hands
We're gonna have to boost
your immune system!
Drop down, give me 25 push-ups now!
- Count 'em out!
- One, sir
Two, sir
[snorting]
Breep-breep-breep
What are you Iaughin' at, pig-boy?
Find a piece of candy in your pocket?
- No, sir!
- What's your name, tubby?
- Heathcoat, sir!
- Heathcoat
You know, you remind me of the doughboy
If I poke your stomach
wiII it make you go ?
[he triIIs]
I'm gonna help you
make room for Iunch, bacon-boy
Drop down, give me 30 sit-ups
right now! Let's go!
Count 'em out! Let me see that beIIy roII
One, tubby, tubby!
- One, sir
- Come on, pork chop!
- Two, chubby, chubby!
- Two, sir
You's a pure genius!
Who are you? Redd Foxx?
No, better yet You Richard Pryor, ain't you?
What's your name, girlfriend?
Dwight WiIIiams
The boys caII me D, so caII me D
- D?
- Yeah, brother?
- Like how I handle these white boys?
- Oh, yeah!
Make you feel good
to see a black man runnin' things?
- Malcolm X
- Let me teII you somethin' , D
- Yeah, brother?
- Come closer
I am not your damn brother!
Now drop down,
give me 20 squat thrusts now!
- One, sir
- What are you Iookin' at, ***-eyes?
- Nothing, sir!
- You plottin' on me, boy?
- No, sir!
- WeII, let me teII you somethin'
Let me teII you aII somethin'
War has made me very paranoid!
And when a man eyebaIIs me
it make my Agent Orange act up
and I get the urge to kiII Understand?
Sir, yes, sir!
- Do you aII understand me?
- Sir, yes, sir!
- I can't hear you
- Sir, yes, sir!
And what is your damage, muscle-head?
You stupid? You ignorant?
Or you just plain ol' deaf?
Yes, sir ActuaIIy, he is deaf
Oh Thank you
Now drop down, give me 25 more
for speakin' out of Iine!
- One, sir
- I'm sorry, Mr Handicapped Man
I didn't mean to offend you
Do you speak sign Ianguage?
Can you read Iips?
Let me break it down
If you don't answer me when I speak to you,
I'm gonna put my foot in your ***!
Is that clear, dummy?
Sir, yes, sir
Hold on, guys Wait!
Wait Hey, guys! Don't start without me!
Come on! Wait, hold on
Coming
HeIIo, gorgeous Welcome to my party
You know, you're out of uniform there,
Mr FonzareIIi
WeII, I Iike this Iook better,
General Admiral, whatever
It's Major, boy
Looks Iike we got another major
on our hands here, guys!
[aII giggling] Uh-oh! Major! Ooh, Major!
What's your name, girlie-mouth?
Cadet AIex Stone, sir! Yes, sir!
Hey-ho, sir!
I'm glad to see you got a sense of humour
So do I
Heh-heh-heh (!)
From now on, my Iittle group
of *** sacs,
you wiII strive to be Iike me
You wiII walk Iike me, talk Iike me
and until you win those games,
you wiII be bald Iike me!
- Way to go this time, AIex
- Dotson, take these men for 2 hours of PT!
Yes, sir! First exercise
wiII be the side straddle hop!
Squad ready Exercise, one, two, three!
Come on, bacon-boy! Come on!
- [Dotson] Ready, squad!
- [boy] Why don't you sit down and shut up?
[Dotson] I'm writin' you up, buddy!
That's it, no more of this!
[boy] You're scaring me!
HeIIo, Miss Walburn
Major Payne, could you please
help me to understand
why you shaved the children bald?
Oh, that's my Iittle incentive programme
These boys have to earn their due
Their hairdo, that is Hee-hee-hee
Do they have to earn
their bathroom privileges, too?
What do you want, Mr Pee-body?
He's upset about this morning
Apparently he had a Iittle accident
Apparently he pissed
aII over the front of his pants
WeII, maybe that's because he's six
'Cause he's six? Woman, when I was six
I had a fuII-time job
WeII, I told him that you have
something that you'd Iike to say to him
You think I owe you an apology?
Want me to take back some of those
mean and hurtful Iittle things I said?
OK
I'm sorry you're just a Iittle ***
that can't hold your Iiquid out in public
Now get outta my face before I pick
you up and toss you out that window!
Major, have you ever done
this kind of work before?
Woman, under this here hat
I've trained 20,432 combat kiIIin' machines
WeII, that's just my point
Now you're dealing with children,
and children have speciaI needs
Do you know what
positive reinforcement means?
Like when you take a PoW
and snap his neck after you torture him
so he don't have to go through Iife
with a colostomy bag?
Sort of
I'd Iike to make a suggestion
Why don't you and I become partners
in the emotional growth and development
of these Iittle ones?
What do you say?
Can you be my big helper
and help me do that?
[baby voice] Yes
Good
Why do I feel Iike a ***?
[children giggling]
[boy] Look at that baldie!
Your head's shaped Iike a bowling baII!
Nazi, fascist pig! I know where I'II shave
him! Damn Major Payne!
Didn't want you to be my brother!
Most of the body heat
travels through the head I'II get sick
And if I'm sick I throw up
That damn Payne's already
getting on my nerves
*** this, *** that
Who the heII does he think he is?
- Just shut up
- You teIIin' me to shut up?
Shut your damn mouth and stop eatin'
aII that damn candy, you fat pig
I Iook Iike Curly
from The Three Stooges
Did I say you could touch my bed?
- No
- Then get off
Ow!
Payne's gonna kiII us
You know I have a heart condition
I'm not sure he's familiar
with my medical history
Let's go, let's go! Come on, move it!
Saddle up that horsey and ride!
You ever hear of knocking, Dotson?
You won't have to worry about that
I have good news for you, ***
- Pack your bedding and your kit! Let's go!
- Where to?
HeIIo, cue baIIs!
Welcome to the house of Payne
- Gotta be kidding
- A squad that Iives together wins together
Unity, turds
That is the key word in "unit", without the Y
Tiger, Leland,
you wiII reside at the ROTC buildin'
The rest of you garbage,
grab a rack and settle in
Let's move out
EyebaII me again, I'II *** it out
and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag
- It's so damp What about my aIIergies?
- You know how far away the kitchen is?
- Why can't I stay?
- 'Cause I said so
- Major Payne, sir
- What?
Sir, I think I speak for everyone when I say
that this place is unacceptable, sir
[general agreement]
ReaIIy?
- Love my barracks night and day
- Love my barracks night and day
- Won't complain that's where I'll stay
- Won't complain that's where I'll stay
- Good plan this time, AIex
- Shut up
AII right, my Iittle patch of Brussels sprouts,
uproot yourselves, climb out the pool,
get some rest You'II need it
Tomorrow, Iadies,
we gonna start the hard stuff
The hard stuff?
[thunder]
Let's move it, you turds!
You'II get no sympathy from me!
You want sympathy, Iook in the
dictionary between *** and syphilis!
That's where you'II find my sympathy!
This ain't no walk in the park!
Move it! Hustle, hustle!
Hey, Dumbo! You should be flying through
those tubes with them big-*** ears!
Yeah, Dumbo! FIy, baby, fly!
WiIIiams! TeII Marlee Matlin's son
if he don't get across that rope,
- I'II hang him with it!
- He'II hang you with it!
Heathcoat!
You get your fat body over that waII!
- Take your fat, pork-chop body
- You shut up
Nobody's Ieavin' until the average
for this squad is one minute 20 seconds!
Come on, he can't do it! Leave him alone
I can barely do it It's slippery out here
SIippery, he say! You think Charlie
care anything about slippery?
AII he knows is slit your throat
What if this was a Iife-or-death situation?
But it's not a Iife-or-death situation
It is now
One Mississippi Two Mississippi
Come on, guys! What, are you crazy?
It's just a dummy grenade
Who's the dummy now?
- So what is it, exactly?
- Concentrated thiamine
- What the heII is that?
- It's a super-Iaxative
This here'II pack enough punch
to take out an entire footbaII team
Payne'II never get off the can
He'II be makin' beef stool tiII graduation
Payne'II never know what hit him
KiII!
- Major Payne, sir?
- Can't you see I'm eatin', ***?
There's a caII for you, sir
He's coming! He's coming!
Mm
Mmm Mm-mm
[a gurgle]
[Iiquid gurgling]
Hm
[breaking wind]
Damn! He nearly put you in a coma
It can't be Iegal the way he's been
treating us Let's just teII PhiIIips
Nah, that senile old fool ain't gonna help us
What kind of shootin' is that? Hey, dummy!
What's the matter, you can't see, either?
We gotta get rid of that
son of a *** Listen
we're gonna have to prove
that Payne did something so vile,
so perverse, so disgusting
that PhiIIips wiII have no choice
but to fire him
Like what?
- Why me?
- Because you have got the biggest ***
- [Iaughter]
- Sh sh
- Why not Wuligar?
- Wuligar's gotta take the pictures
[snoring]
It's been four hours He hasn't blinked
I'm teIIing you, these Special Forces guys
can sleep with their eyes open
Trust me
- What happened to the other dress?
- This one's prettier
[sniggering]
- Shut up, Brian!
- Sh! WiIIiams, go
Man, you sure about this?
He Iooks awake to me
No, I checked on that
Watch this Yo, ***-sniffer Maggot-face!
See? He's dead to the world
Let's go
- Get in
- Can't I just stand beside the bed?
Get in
Get in!
- Now put your head on his shoulder
- Are you crazy?
Do it!
CIoser
CIoser
Now, now put your arm around him
Good Now hold it Hold it
OK
HeIIo, Betty
[aII scream]
- Got no worry, got no stress
- Got no worry, got no stress
- 'Cause we feel good in a dress
- 'Cause we feel good in a dress
- Major Payne's a major dis
- Major Payne's a major dis
- Makes us squat when we ***
- Makes us squat when we ***
- Got no worries, got no care
- Got no worries, got no care
[repeat] I'm just a bald-headed
son of a *** without hair
- Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann
- Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann
- Gotta earn my right to be called a man
- Gotta earn my right to be called a man
I'II teII you, Iadies, you're the purtiest unit
ever underneath my command!
Maybe I'II have to change my name
to *** Daddy Payne!
[Miss Walburn] Major!
- What are the boys doing in those dresses?
- Puttin' on a fashion show
[mocking Iaughter]
I thought we had a Iittle talk
about this kind of negative reinforcement
Weren't you gonna be my big helper?
Yeah, but they started it
- WeII, I'm stopping it
- Don't touch my whistle
- I was just gonna
- Don't touch the whistle
AII right, Iadies! Take off those dresses
Head to your barracks Fold 'em up neatly
Let's move it
Good day, Miss Walburn
Do you really think this approach is the best
way to gain the trust of these boys?
They may not Iike me
but they wiII respect me
Let me be more direct They hate you
Good It'II draw them close together,
make 'em a team
- That's a very cynical plan
- Yeah, but it won't backfire
Here I would Iike you to consider
an alternative approach
I want you to have this book
Read it, apply it
The ABCs of the Loving Male Role Model
I don't need your book
- Take it
- I don't want it
PIease, Major?
OK
[mocking Iaughter]
Shut up
- I got a plan to get rid of that son of a ***
- What is it?
- It's gonna cost us How much you got?
- Twenty
- I got 25
- Put me down for 40
- AII right, we're takin' out Payne tomorrow!
- Yeah!
"Love is the key to understanding"
"Bee a good Iistener"
"Bee sensitive to their needs"
WeII, hello, Miss Walburn
I just came by to let you know
Wuligar has a slight temperature
so you might not want
to torture him this evening
I wiII be sensitive to his needs
Have you been reading the book?
I might have glanced at it once or twice
Oh, weII, that's very good!
I'm very proud of you, Major
Oh, it ain't hard bein' sensitive
- He's back! He's back!
- Who's back?
The man who Iives in my closet
Boy, get on outta here with that
"I'm scared of the dark" crap Go on, get!
Sensitive
Sensitive
HeIIo, there, feIIa
You know what you're havin'?
It's caIIed a nightmare
You know what a nightmare is?
WeII, that's aII this is
Now, you run back to your room
before that man jump out the closet
and chop your Iittle head off
Sensitive
You caII that being sensitive?
Let me give you a Iittle history on Kevin
Dunne Both of his parents are dead
Car accident, 1989
Lived in the Chelsea orphanage
tiII 1991 when the school adopted him
I know aII about it
Then you should also know
that the Iast thing he needs right now
is a sadistic father figure
scaring the Iife out of him
Maybe what he need
is for you to pop your *** out his mouth
and let the boy grow up
Excuse me? What did you say?
I didn't stutter
I said "Pop your *** out his mouth
and stop babyin' him!"
I don't caII it babying, I caII it nurturing
And I caII it neutering
And I caII you an insecure,
overbearing, psychopathic,
dictatorial, egomaniacal, frigid,
Iunatic ***!
I ain't frigid
He's stiII there!
You wanna see nurturin'?
He's in there?
- If he's stiII there, he ain't happy
- What was that?
Major Payne just terminated that bad man
with extreme prejudice!
And if he's stiII in there, he ain't happy!
You run on back to bed That bad man
ain't gonna bother you no more
Thank you, Major
I Iove you
- What's your angle? You plottin' on me?
- No, sir!
- I can snap your neck in 20 places!
- Major, Major! It's OK!
He's just trying to show you some affection
I don't Iike it
Make me feel aII funny
- Good night, Miss Walburn
- Good night, Major
- Where is he?
- He'd better get here
AIex!
[horn]
- Did you do it?
- How much did it cost?
I did it I did it
Squad! Attention!
Let's go, maggots FoIIow my Iead!
- Payne's not here, he's in our ***
- Payne's not here, he's in our ***
- Butt's so tight he can't pass gas
- Butt's so tight he can't pass gas
- Sound off
- One, two
- Sound off
- Three, four
Break it on down
Break it on down, break it on down
You Iike to rhyme, boy?
What's your name? Bushwick BiII?
No, let me guess You Snoop Diggety Dogg
Turds! Front-Ieanin' rest position Move!
I'm gonna teach you
how I rhyme military style!
One!
Don't you feel dumb?
Two! Look at you
Three Don't you ever make no jokes
about me behind my back
otherwise I stomp you in the ground!
AII right, Iadies
Hey, Dunne You missed aII the fun
That's another rhyme
AII right, we're headin' out to the field
for two hours of weapons driII
Yo, Payne!
You Payne?
I got somethin' to say to you
Fee-fi-fo-fum
What beanstalk you faII from?
I heard you've been givin' these boys
a hard time
In fact, I heard you couldn't cut it
in the real man's military!
You thinkin' about Ieaving yet?
ActuaIIy, I think the party just begun
What I'm gonna do is take this right foot
and put it across the Ieft side of your face
Don't give me that BiIIy Jack buIIshit!
You said you were gonna
hit me in the face!
What, you caIIin' me a Iiar?
Oh, children
Somebody's gonna answer
for this blood from my Iip
I want names
I wanna know who's responsible
Don't aII run at once
I guess nobody's responsible
Guess I just had that one a-comin'
WeII, you know what y'aII got comin'?
Seven 23-hour days
fuII of fun and adventure
I'm gonna make you boys strong!
Sir
Yes, ***?
- It was me, sir I hired him
- WeII, that's one death warrant signed
Do I have any more volunteers?
What about you, brown-nose?
I acted alone, sir The rest of the squad
was unaware of my activities
That's a pretty bold move there, Mr Stone
What do you think I oughta do with you?
- I don't know, sir
- You don't know
I guess you should probably expel me, sir
What, and send you on a vacation?
- Dotson!
- Sir, yes, sir!
You are no Ionger the squad Ieader
Stone You are now cadet sergeant
If these men win
the Virginia Military Games,
it'II be because
you have Ied them to a victory
If they Iose, it'II be because you failed them
- I don't accept that responsibility
- It's not negotiable
If I'm the new squad Ieader,
my first order is to screw you, sir!
What'd you say to me, ***?
Why don't you go back to heII,
where you came from?
Boy, I am two seconds from bein' on you
Iike white on rice on a paper plate
in a snowstorm!
I wiII put my foot so far up your ***
the water on my knee
wiII quench your thirst
Try it
- You want me gone, boy?
- Yes, sir
I said, "Do you want me gone, soldier?"
Yes, sir!
Then you meet me
outside the ROTC buildin' at 2100 hours
You Iadies want me gone,
you'II get your chance
Where is the first-place trophy
from the Virginia Military Games?
WeIIington Academy, sir!
I want that trophy
If you turds can bring me that trophy,
I wiII resign my command
This is a black op, gentlemen
If you are discovered,
I wiII deny aII knowledge
and you wiII pay the price
That is my deaI
Do you accept it?
Sir, yes, sir
Then bring me my trophy
AII right, this is our big chance
to get rid of Payne
Two miles to WeIIington
Let's get it outta there as fast as we can
Let's hustle, move it! Go! Go, go!
- This is your Iast chance, Dotson
- You think I'd help you make me Iook bad?
Anyway, I've caIIed my dad I'm Ieavin'
this stupid school Bye, have a good time
- Where you goin'?
- The black op
You can't come, you're too Iittle Why don't
you stay here and guard the base?
[Tiger crying]
What's the matter with you, boy?
They won't let me go on no black op
They say I'm too Iittle
No one lets you do anything
when you're too Iittle
Ah, phooly!
What about aII those stories about
the Iittle people that do big things?
Like Little Red Riding Hood,
them three Iittle pigs
Spike Lee, or them Little Rascals
You ever hear the story
about the Little Engine That Could?
Let me teII you that story
Once upon a time, deep, deep in the jungle,
there was a Little Engine That Could
He was chuggin' his way
across the enemy Iine
[makes chugging sound]
Toot-toot!
This Iittle engine's mission
was to take some AK-47s
and a nuclear payload
over the mountain to the 2063 Battalion
Needless to say,
there was plenty opposition
Did that stop the Little Engine That Could?
No, siree, Bob He just kept chuggin' along
[makes train engine sounds]
Toot-toot!
Not even when they climbed
aboard the train
and popped out the eyes of the conductor,
and blood and snot
was drippin' out his eye sockets
Did that stop the Little Engine That Could?
Damn skippy He just kept chuggin' along
[train engine sounds]
Toot-toot!
It wasn't until Charlie rigged a bridge
with plastic explosives
just as the Little Engine
was makin' his way across the trestle
Boom!
An explosion happened And blood and guts
and spit and *** was everywhere
And Bubba come crawlin' out
the back door, both Iegs missin'
Lula May's baby boy!
He Iook up at me, he said, "Payne,
I can't feel my Iegs"
I said, "Bubba, they ain't there"
And I Iooked down, and them Iittle bloody
nubs was kickin' real fast, Iike this here
And I said,
"Bubba, it's 30 miles to the nearest town"
"Unless you flip upside down and walk
on your hands, you ain't gonna make it"
AII of a sudden,
Charlie was aII over the place!
It was just me and my side-arm
And I had no other alternative
but to blast my way out
[blood-curdling screams]
"Die, pig, die! You'II never take
Major Benson Winifred Payne alive!"
"I saw what you did to my friend!"
Major! Major! Major!
HeIIo, Miss Walburn
You just missed a Iittle bedtime story
No, I didn't, actuaIIy
In fact, I'd Iove to talk
to you about that story
Perhaps over dinner?
OK
OK I'II go get ready
- Me too
- OK
OK
Right, bye
To be continued When I come back,
I'II teII you what Bubba used as a ***
[ Zhane: Hey, Mr DJ]
So we could all get down
Where's the party, hey, Mr Dj?
Hey, Mr Dj,
You can get this started
Everybody's ready to party
All night, all night
All the girls are ready
So we can all get to it
So we can party till the break of dawn, oh
Once again, it's on! Zahne, blow the horn
Let the Dj know to keep playing your song
Maybe I'll browse, *** up the blouse
Rip the foul, ho
And get rub-a-dub style
Cuz your body won't move
If it can't feel the groove
So can't boogie, have to show and prove
Hey, now I'm feeling the vibe
Rollin' with the flava
[gobbling sounds]
WeII, ain't you gonna eat?
I think I'II wait a moment
My stomach's a Iittle upset
Them some mighty fine victuals
Wouldn't let 'em go to waste
You know, I think you're making
some wonderful strides
with the way you're dealing
with the children
That was almost a really good thing
you tried to do for Tiger tonight
May I make a suggestion?
Proceed
WeII, your story, while colourful
bit rough
You mean the explosion?
Yes, and the eye-gouging part
You need to Ioosen up
Not everything can be about war
What do you Iike to do for fun?
I Iike to hang upside down blindfolded,
take my gun apart and put it back together
before my nose starts to bleed
Oh, that's great!
Is there anything you Iike
that isn't to do with battle?
- Like what?
- Like golf
Negative
Do you Iike to go to the movies?
Negative
I don't suppose you dance?
I've been known to cut a Iittle rug in my day
[ 2 Live Crew: Pop That Coochie]
There's only one place where we can go
To see freaky girls doing shows
Doing tricks that make us holler
Ain't you gonna dance?
Benson
They'll do anything to turn us on
Them girls got it goin' on!
Benson, nobody does the robot any more
Then I guess I gotta dig further
into my repertoire
How hard? Hard like a rock
When you make that coochie pop!
Hey, pop that Coochie
Hey, pop that coochie, baby
Pop that coochie
Hey, pop that coochie, baby
Pop that coochie
Pop, pop that coochie, baby
Pop-pop the coochie
Pop, pop the coochie, baby
Freaky girls with plenty of class
Rollin' to the music and shakin' real fast
Bend over backwards, make me shout
And work that body, in and out
Movin' their body with plenty of action
Bringin' to the men more satisfaction
Doin' what they feel to turn us out
just work that body all the way out!
Shake it! Don't break it!
It took your momma nine months to make it
Bend over and spread 'em, girl
Show me those coochie pearls
Bend that butt and don't you quit
Then blow me a freaky kiss
Girl, you know you look so cute
WiIIiams, you take these guys
and fan out the Ieft flank of the school Go!
Wuligar, you take these two
and cover the right Got it?
Got it Come on!
[man] Ahem
Don't move
[boys yeII]
Madison is a Ioser!
Man, get in there
AII right? And then
his chest cavity exploded
Boom! Hee-hee
You know, that was the first time
I ever drove a man's nose up into his brain,
causin' instant death
and simultaneous bowel evacuation
But enough about me, woman
What's your story?
I'm surprised you ain't dropped
about 12 puppies by now
Ain't you never been married?
Yeah, I was
What happened?
You terminate his command?
No ActuaIIy, he Ieft
I wanted children, he didn't
Any man that'd Ieave you
oughta be monkey-stomped
and have his brains
mailed back to his mother
WeII, thank you, Benson
How about you?
Was there ever a Mrs Payne?
Negative I figured if the Marines wanted me
to have a wife, they'd have issued me one
WeII, I had a really nice time
tonight, Benson
Heck, bein' with you
is almost better than cleanin' my gun
- I got somethin' for you
- Oh, what is it?
It's a bullet
It's somethin' speciaI
It's from my heart
ReaIIy? WeII, where'd you get it?
From my heart Left ventricle
I took it out myseIf with a field knife
And I want you to have that
Thank you, Benson
Goodnight
Goodnight, princess
[hoIIers excitedly]
[whistling]
What the heII are you doin' in my office?
It was a trap You set us up
I mighta made a Iittle anonymous caII
You didn't think
they'd just hand it to you, did ya?
We got the crap kicked out of us
because of you!
Tonight wasn't about fair or unfair
It was about achievin' your objective
Did you?
- Did you even see that trophy?
- Oh, I saw it
- And when you saw it, did you want it?
- Yeah, to get rid of you
That's not what I asked
- Did you want it?
- I wanted it
- To own it?
- Yeah
- Deserve it?
- Yeah
- To win it?
- Oh, yeah
Then let's win it, you bruised-up ***!
If you really want it,
I'II show you how to earn it
[tannoy]
Welcome, parents, to Madison School
For your convenience, we will be
announcing activities throughout the day,
if they happen
Hey, Heathcoat, your parents
coming today?
Nah, course not
- How 'bout you, WiIIiams?
- What, are you kidding?
My parents said they'd come
but they say they've got aIIergies
What the heII happened to you?
Me? Nothing I'm great
Look at you, though
Regular Iittle soldier man
You a hard-*** now?
- What're you doin' here?
- It's parents' day I am your Iegal guardian
- And drunk
- Don't you walk away from me
- Gimme a Iittle salute
- I'm not gonna salute you
You salute your superiors
Or don't they teach that around here?
What superior?
They kicked you out, remember?
Don't you sass me Iike your mother
You're mine now I own you
And you wiII respect me
Now, you salute me
No
You hit that boy again,
I'II do more than salute you
- This is between me and my son
- Stepson
Whoever he is, he's on my time now
Now, I'm gonna ask you nicely,
please return to your vehicle
You go on now
Go on back to your bunk, son
Major Payne, sir
Yes
I wanna get that trophy, sir
- Come again?
- I wanna get that trophy, sir
- What, you wanna steal it?
- No, sir
- You want to win it?
- I want to earn it, sir
The rest of you men feel the same way?
Meet me on the parade ground, 1700 hours
We got work to do
Squad, atten-hut!
[cheering]
[ Aretha Franklin: Respect]
Ooh, what you want, baby, I got
What you need, you know I got it
All I'm askin' is for a little respect
just a little bit
Hey, baby, just a little bit
Come on, just a little bit
Yes, sir, just a little bit
I ain't gonna do you wrong while you gone
I ain't gonna do you wrong
'Cause I don't wanna
All I'm askin' is for a little respect
just a little bit, baby, just a little bit
All I'm askin' in return, honey
Is to give me my proper respect
When you get home
just a, just a, just a, just a, just a
Baby, when you get home
just a little bit, just a little bit
One two three four
five six seven eight
Ooh, your kisses sweeter than honey
Forty inches breast to back
All I want you to do for me
Is give me some here
When you get home
Ree-ree-ree-ree-ree, yeah, baby
Give me some respect when you get home
just a little bit
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Hey, Boy, T-C-B, oh
A little respect
Oh, yeah, just a little bit
A little respect
[song continues]
[inaudible]
[shriII whistle]
Squad! Atten-hut!
Present arms!
Left face!
Right face!
Rank, rest!
You're stiII a *** sandwich
You're just not a soggy one
From now on, you are no Ionger turds
You've graduated to maggots
You're a family, a team
Let's win them games
Squad! Atten-hut!
General on deck
Major, I have news so good
I've decided to deliver it personaIIy
America needs you There's a situation in
Bosnia that requires your special services
As of this moment, you are reinstated in the
US Marines at the rank of Lieutenant ColoneI
- Thank you, sir!
- Congratulations
Your unit wiII be Ieaving out of Washington
You wiII arrive tomorrow at 1600 for briefing
Here are your tickets
Uh, General, tomorrow are
the military games and I was hoping
Games?
Payne, I fought to get you reinstated
You wanted in I got you in
You don't take this,
there won't be any more chances
Sir, the major wiII be there, sir!
Good man I'II see you in Washington
Hey, Major Where you goin'?
Back to kiIIin' You wanna come?
I didn't think so
Go Iead your men into victory
Great What happened to unity and family
and aII that other buIIshit you taught us?
I never said families don't break up
Don't you watch Oprah?
So it's true You're just gonna Ieave
You know, when they're through with you,
they're just gonna cut you Ioose again
I asked to Ieave
Them boys are makin' me soft
"Them boys" need you
AII that hard work, they did it for you
- They did it for themselves
- Benson
Look, woman
I toured 11 separate engagements
I didn't do that to come back
and be conquered by no woman and kids
What'd you think I was gonna do,
marry you?
Put up a white picket fence? Adopt Tiger
and become the Iovin' male role model?
That's not me It's not Payne!
[ Aretha Franklin:
I Never Loved a Man (the way I Iove you)]
You're no good, heartbreaker
You're a liar and you're a cheat
And I don't know why
I let you do these things to me
My friends keep telling me
That you ain't no good
Whoa-oh-oh but they don't know
That I'd leave you if I could
I guess I'm all uptight
And I'm stuck like glue
Cause I ain't never, I ain't never
I ain't never, no, no
Loved a man the way I, I love you
I can't believe he actuaIIy Ieft
AIex, where are you going?
To the games You guys better start
getting ready We gotta be there in an hour
We don't have to go to the games,
Payne's gone
We don't have a chance without Payne
Listen, Payne or no Payne, I'm gonna
go out there and win that stupid trophy
We busted our *** off out there
gettin' ready for this
I didn't go through aII that
to come out empty handed
So, how about it, guys? Are you with me?
Sure
- [as Payne] I can't hear you!
- Sir, yes, sir!
Just a Iittle bit Iouder now
Sir, yes, sir!
One more time, you maggots
Sir, yes, sir
[tannoy] Taggert, present arms
Stapleton, present arms!
Wellington, present arms!
Madison, present arms!
Cadets, order arms!
Welcome, men, to WeIIington Academy
for the 58th annuaI
Junior ROTC Virginia Military Games
This morning, you are aII equaI
But by the end of the day today, we wiII
honour the finest of you with a trophy
The trophy of a champion
Let the games begin!
[cheering]
Good shot, WiIIiams I got nothin'
to say to you AII right, Fox Keep goin'
Yes!
Come on, guys! Maggots!
PuII!
Go, Tiger!
Catch it! Oh, I gotcha now!
[Emily's voice] Benson
[: Donna Reed Show Theme]
[inaudible over music]
[train ***]
On your mark Get set
[gunshot]
One, sir Two, sir Three, sir Four, sir
Faster, Heathcoat Over the waII Go! Go!
Come on! You can do it!
See you Iater, Ioser!
He just tripped him!
The winner of the relay race
is Wellington Academy
Second place, Madison Preparatory
Third place, Stapleton
Fourth place, Taggert
AII right, knock it off!
Hold it right there! Hey, hey, you!
I want that man arrested!
This is unsatisfactory!
I demand that the Madison squad
be disqualified from the final competition!
Lieutenant, I can only disqualify
the cadet who started the disturbance
That's not enough! Look at 'em
These animals are so pathetic,
their own commander didn't even show up
Ain't no need for name-caIIing
What are you doing here? I was
told you were on an important assignment
WeII, what could be more important than
my boys winnin' this here competition?
I suggest we get this party started
That OK with you, Colonel?
Cadets, I'm pleased to announce
the two top-rated squads
who wiII compete for first and second
place in the parade driII competition:
WeIIington Academy
and Madison Academy
[tannoy] Wellington Academy
Drill leader, Sergeant Michael Rachmill
AII right, gentlemen, let's Iook alive here!
We got trophies to win
HeIIo, Mr DeniaI
While you were on vacation,
we've been havin' some real problems
I don't see no problem
You made it to the finals
Yeah, no thanks to you
So, why'd you come back?
We don't need you
- Maybe I didn't come back for you
- Why'd you come back, then?
Maybe I wanna see you win first place
and ain't gonna Ieave until you do!
So that's it? It's aII about the trophy?
Maybe I Iike you
Just Iike?
Maybe I Iike you a Iot
That's it?
Don't push the "maybe", baby
- Now, let's win this thing
- We have nobody to Iead the driII
- Course we do
- Who?
- Tiger
- Are you crazy?
- He know the driII Iike the back of his head
- I can't do it I'm too Iittle
[tannoy] Ladies and gentlemen,
the Wellington Academy drill team
You need me to teII you the story
about the Little Engine That Could again?
Then you get out there
and you toot that horn, boy
Toot! Toot!
Toot! toot!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Madison Preparatory School
Drill-team leader,
Private Kevin "Tiger" Dunne
Left-step march!
Now here we are together
Ready to do whatever
We started out as boys
Now we're men and we're makin' noise
So stand back and step clear,
Madison cadets are the ones to fear
Ifyou don't believe
Battle us and you wilI see
Oh, yeah, here we come
Here we come, here we come
- Hip-hop, hip-hop, hip-hop, ho
- Hip-hop, hip-hop, hip-hop, ho
- We can get down 'cause it's in our souls
- We can get down 'cause it's in our souls
- Hit me with a one, two
- One, two
- Hit me with a three, four
- Three, four
Hit me with a one, two, three, four
[all] One, two, three, four
Mark time, march!
Present arms!
Forward march!
Huh! Huh! Huh! huh!
Free style!
Arms!
One, two, three, get down on the hip-hop
Get down, get funky and you don't stop
Go, Tiger
Get down, do that, do that
- Get down and do that, do that
- Whoo! Whoo !
Aaaa !
- Salute!
- [gunshot]
Madison Preparatory School
Company! Atten-hut!
Sir, squad is formed, sir
Post
My name
is Major Benson Winifred Payne!
I'd Iike to be the first
to welcome you to the Madison SchooI
What we've tried to develop here
is a family environment
One of trust and understanding
I'd Iike for you to think of me
not only as your commanding officer
but as your friend
[barking]
And what the heII is that?
He's mine
That a boy Sit Good boy
Yeah, weII, maybe that doesn't apply to me
He's my blind seeing-eye dog
What in the world would anybody want
with a blind dog?
The dog ain't blind
I'm the one that's blind, you idiot
I see you and your friend Cujo here got
a Iittle attitudinal problem needs readjustin'
WeII, I'II fix that up quick,
fast and in a hurry
Hey, Corporal!
Go teII Mama bring my field knife
[dog howls and yelps]
Hee-hee-hee Ha-hee-hee
Ho-hee-hee Ha-hee-hee