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- WAH-TAH!
HUH!
HUH!
YA!
male announcer:
AND NOW...
- ¶ HEAR THE LEGENDS
OF THE KUNG FU PANDA ¶
¶ DOONG, DOONG, DOONG, DOONG,
DOONG-BOWNG, DOO-BOOM-BOOM ¶
¶ RAISED IN A NOODLE SHOP ¶
¶ NEVER SEEKING
GLORY OR FAME ¶
¶ HE CLIMBED A MOUNTAINTOP ¶
¶ AND EARNED
THE DRAGON WARRIOR NAME ¶
HOO!
AH! YAH!
¶ KUNG FU PANDA ¶
¶ DOONG, DA-DOONG, DOONG,
SHU-GONG, DA-DOONG, DOONG ¶
¶ MASTER SHIFU
SAW THE WARRIOR BLOSSOM ¶
¶ AND MASTER THE SKILLS
OF BODACIOUS AND AWESOME ¶
¶ KUNG FU PANDA ¶
¶ DOONG, DA-DOONG, DOONG-DOONG,
DA-DOONG, DA-DA-DOONG ¶
¶ HE LIVES,
AND HE TRAINS ¶
¶ AND HE FIGHTS
WITH THE FURIOUS FIVE ¶
¶ PROTECT THE VALLEY
SOMETHIN', SOMETHIN' ¶
¶ SOMETHIN',
SOMETHIN' ALIVE ¶
OOH, AH, OOH!
¶ KUNG FU PANDA ¶
¶ LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS ¶
SWEET.
[somber violin music]
¶ ¶
- PANDA, YOU'RE NEXT.
TEN SECONDS TO GET
TO THE OTHER SIDE UNSCATHED.
whoosh!
- OOH, AH, OOH.
UH, UH.
HA!
CATLIKE REFLEXES.
- WAH!
- MONKEY!
UH!
AH!
GUH.
- TWO POINTS FOR MONKEY.
LIGHTS OUT, PO.
- DYAH.
AH...
CHOO!
AH!
OOH.
UH.
OW!
- OOH.
- OOH.
OH.
OH.
[muffled]
GET OFF ME.
OH-HO-HO.
- PO, FIVE.
MONKEY, FOUR.
- [straining]
YOU CAN'T COUNT THAT.
- SURE, I CAN.
SHIFU,
THAT WAS A POINT, RIGHT?
- I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR
CHILDISH SCORE-KEEPING, PANDA.
- HUH.
- AH!
- MONKEY, THAT WAS A DECEITFUL,
UNDERHANDED ATTACK.
GOOD WORK.
- HA.
- THE POINT
OF SNEAK-ATTACK TRAINING
IS TO DO THE UNEXPECTED.
DOY!
- WHAT?
OOH!
- SEE?
UNEXPECTED.
TIGRESS,
YOU AND CRANE ARE NEXT.
- AH-AH-CHOO!
AH-AH-CHOO!
AH, AH, AH...
AH-CHOO!
- MASTER SHIFU,
CAN WE TAKE FIVE
SO I CAN GO STERILIZE MY BEAK
WITH HOT COALS?
- UH-OH, I THINK
I CAUGHT TIGRESS' COLD.
- I DON'T HAVE...
[coughing]
A COLD.
[coughs]
- [mimics sneezing]
[both laughing]
- HEY, I GOT A COLD TOO.
- I DO NOT HAVE A COLD.
AH-CHOO!
- [mimics sneezing]
thud!
[both laughing]
- [mimics sneezing]
- NOT COOL, MAN.
[both laughing]
- FRIENDS LOVE
THE SNEEZY TRICK.
[both laughing]
- I DO NOT HAVE A...
COLD.
- WAIT.
MAYBE YOU DON'T.
AHA.
HMM.
I SEE.
IT'S RIVER FEVER.
- UGH.
- WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL
ABOUT RIVER FEVER?
YOU GET A LITTLE SNEEZY,
A LITTLE SNOOZY.
I'VE PERSONALLY BARFED
A COUPLE OF TIMES; TRUE STORY.
THEN IT'S ALL OVER
THE NEXT DAY.
WE ALL HAD IT AS KIDS.
- I DIDN'T.
- OH, MAN.
RIVER FEVER'S BAD NEWS
IF YOU GET IT AS AN ADULT.
YOU WIND UP LIKE THIS.
- [screams]
IS THAT A...
A PIG?
- THERE'S ONLY ONE CURE:
TEA MADE
FROM THE SACRED SUN ORCHID.
- TRUE.
THE SUN ORCHID IS POWERFUL.
BUT GETTING ONE IS DANGEROUS.
IT USED TO GROW HERE,
BUT NOW IT'S ONLY FOUND
IN ONE PLACE,
THE VALLEY
OF THE SCORPION.
- NO ONE'S RISKING
THEIR LIVES FOR ME.
I'LL BE FINE.
- FINE?
[chuckles]
LOOK AT THE PIG.
LOOK AT THE PIG!
- YOU MAY FEEL FINE,
BUT THE MUSCLE SPASMS
COULD START AT ANY--
whack!
[groans]
LIKE THAT.
TIGRESS, IF YOU DON'T GET
THAT ORCHID BY SUNDOWN, YOU'LL..
- WHAT?
- I CAN'T.
- WHAT?
- WELL, FIRST,
YOU'LL NEVER DO KUNG FU AGAIN.
- [gasps]
I'D RATHER DIE.
- YEAH, THAT'S SECOND.
- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE
THE DRAGON WARRIOR'S
GONNA BE PICKING UP
THAT ORCHID DEAL-Y.
- I'LL GET IT.
50 POINTS SAYS
I GET THERE BEFORE YOU.
[knocking]
- THIS IS NO GAME.
FEW HAVE EVER RETURNED
FROM THE VALLEY ALIVE.
AND THOSE FEW HAVE COME BACK
SHAMBLING ZOMBIES,
THEIR MINDS DESTROYED
BY THE POWER OF SCORPION STING.
LONG AGO, SCORPION
WAS A CELEBRATED HEALER,
AN EXPERT
IN MEDICINAL PLANTS.
THE SOIL
IN THE VALLEY OF PEACE
WAS PERFECT
FOR HER EXPERIMENTAL FLOWERS.
BUT WHEN SHE DISCOVERED
A HYPNOTIC ELIXIR
AND STUNG HERSELF WITH IT,
IT WARPED HER BODY
AND HER MIND.
SHE USED THIS NEW POWER
TO CONTROL OTHERS.
SHE ASSAULTED THE VALLEY
BY TURNING VILLAGERS
INTO RED-EYED DRONES.
SHE NEARLY SUCCEEDED
IN TAKING OVER,
BUT OOGWAY
HAD TWO THINGS SHE DIDN'T HAVE:
THE VILLAGERS' LOYALTY
AND A SHELL.
OOGWAY EXILED SCORPION,
BUT SHE STOLE THE LAST
SUN ORCHID THAT GREW HERE.
SHE HAS SWORN ETERNAL VENGEANCE
UPON ANYONE
FROM THE VALLEY OF PEACE,
WHICH IS WHY
YOU NEED TO BE EXTREMELY...
PO?
- IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING,
I'LL BE GETTING
THAT ORCHID BEFORE YOU,
'CAUSE I'VE GOT A SECRET WEAPON:
AWESOMENESS.
- NOT A CHANCE.
I'M FASTER THAN YOU
AT EVERYTHING...
EXCEPT EATING.
OH, MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE STUCK
AROUND AND LISTENED TO SHIFU.
- MAN, HE IS SUCH A WORRIER.
IT WAS JUST
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, DANGER,"
"BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,
CERTAIN DEATH" KIND OF STUFF.
YOU KNOW, HE SHOULD CUT BACK
ON THAT GREEN TEA.
I THINK IT MAKES HIM
A LITTLE TENSE.
- WOW.
THAT'S A LOT OF SKULLS.
YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING
INTERESTING ABOUT SKULLS?
YOU CAN'T DRINK SOUP
OUT OF THEM.
- WOW, THAT IS INTERESTING...
TO NO ONE.
COME ON!
WE GOT TO GET A MOVE ON.
SO PICK UP THE PACE!
- ME?
YOU COULDN'T PICK UP THE PACE
WITH A SHOVEL.
- OH, YEAH?
WATCH ME FL--
thud!
[low rumbling]
UH...
[loud thud]
UH, THINK ANYBODY HEARD THAT?
- THINK ANYBODY
DIDN'T HEAR THAT?
- OOH, VISITORS
FROM THE VALLEY OF PEACE.
- I THINK
I DISLOCATED MY FOREHEAD.
- IT'S THAT ADORABLE PANDA
DRAGON WARRIOR THEY SPEAK OF.
- UH, MY BRAIN'S
LIKE A BAG OF PUDDING.
- HA.
NOTHING NEW.
COME ON!
TIGRESS NEEDS
THAT ORCHID BY SUNDOWN.
- OH, THEY NEED MY ORCHID.
AND I NEED TO ADD SOMETHING
TO MY COLLECTION OF TCHOTCHKES.
HIS ADORABLE PANDA HEAD
WILL FIT RIGHT HERE...
ONCE I SEVER IT
FROM HIS BODY.
OOH, YES, YOU COME AND GET YOUR
MEDICINE FOR YOUR LADY FRIEND.
I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
IS INTERESTING ABOUT SKULLS?
THEY RUN FASTER THAN YOU.
- AH, WHAT I LACK IN...SPEED,
I MAKE UP FOR...
IN...STAMINA.
[panting]
DON'T HURL.
DON'T HURL.
MONKEY!
I'M GONNA...
CATCH YOU!
- GOOD LUCK, PO!
WHOA!
HA!
HMM!
HMM?
OH!
HY!
HMM...
AH!
HUH!
YA!
AH!
SCORPION.
YOU CAN'T BEAT ME.
- I ALREADY HAVE.
- WHA--
GUH.
POISON.
- NOT EXACTLY.
OH, I COULD SIMPLY HAVE POISONED
YOU AND YOUR PANDA FRIEND,
BUT I'M A SHUT-IN,
THANKS TO OOGWAY.
AND THIS IS
MY ONLY ENTERTAINMENT.
IT'LL BE SO MUCH MORE FUN
TO WATCH
AS YOU DESTROY
SHIFU'S LITTLE PET,
THE DRAGON WARRIOR.
- NO!
PO, FRIEND.
- YOU'RE ONLY GOOD TO ME
AS LONG AS YOU FORGET
THAT HE IS YOUR FRIEND.
- FORGET MY FRIEND.
- AND DESTROY HIM.
- AND...
- DESTROY HIM.
- DESTROY HIM.
I MUST DESTROY THE PANDA.
I MUST DESTROY PO!
- MONKEY?
NOW, YOU DON'T GET
ANY POINTS FOR HIDING.
- MUST DESTROY PO.
WAH!
- ARE YOU
MESSING WITH MY HEAD?
OOH, A BERRY.
OH, MAN.
IT'S A ROCK.
WAIT.
IT'S NOT A ROCK.
[rope snaps]
- [squeals]
UH!
- IT'S...BIRD POOP?
EW, EW!
I JUST TOUCHED BIRD POOP.
- [groans]
MUST DESTROY PO.
- IT WON'T DESTROY ME.
IT'S JUST GROSS.
- DESTROY PO.
- [sneezes]
- SHIFU AND I
SET UP A SICK WARD.
IT'S COMPLETELY SANITARY.
- [sneezes]
- UNLIKE MY FACE.
- I DON'T NEED
A SICK WARD.
I'M FINE.
- AH!
MUSCLE SPASM.
PERFECTLY NORMAL.
- [sneezes]
- DON'T TOUCH ME!
[screaming and laughing]
- UH, WE ALSO TOOK IN SOME KIDS
WITH RIVER FEVER.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
- OF COURSE NOT.
I LOVE CHILDREN.
UH!
- WHOOP!
MUSCLE SPASM.
- NOT THAT TIME.
- HMM, TO THE LEFT OF THE SKULL,
WHICH MEANS
WE GO RIGHT AT THE...
thud!
HMM?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
- DESTROY PO.
- ARE YOU...
SNEAK-ATTACK TRAINING?
I DON'T KNOW
IF THIS IS THE BEST TIME,
BUT OKAY.
WATCH YOUR BACK,
'CAUSE NOW IT'S MY TURN.
- OH, AH, AH, AH!
- PO, TEN.
MONKEY, SIX.
- DESTROY PO.
- YAH!
OW!
OOH.
OOH.
HAH!
- HAH!
thud!
- MONKEY?
MONKEY, MONKEY,
MONKEY, MONKEY, MONKEY!
ARE YOU MESSING
WITH MY HEAD?
- DESTROY PO.
- [chuckles slyly]
AH!
HA-HA!
[chuckles]
- WAH!
- HUH!
OOH!
AH!
OOH!
UH!
OOH!
AH!
YEE-AH!
OH, YEAH!
PO HAS TAKEN
A COMMANDING FOUR-POINT LEAD.
WHAT COULD
POOR MONKEY POSSIBLY...
DOOOOOO!
OOF.
HUH?
SCORPION'S LAIR.
- DESTROY PO.
- THE ORCHID IS IN THERE!
CUT IT OUT, MONKEY.
WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!
TIGRESS NEEDS OUR HELP.
[children laughing]
- [singsongy]
YOO-HOO!
- SO, UH,
I'M HOPING YOU LIKE CLOWNS.
[cup shatters]
OH.
THEN I'M HOPING
YOU LIKE NOT HITTING ME.
- HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS.
I'M MR. PING--
I MEAN, MR. CLOWN.
I HAVE COME
TO SPREAD JOY AND HAPPINESS
AND TWO-FOR-ONE COUPONS
FOR MR. PING'S NOODLE SHOP.
[all cheering]
¶ BADDA-DA-DA, DA, DA, DA! ¶
[in high-pitched voice]
OH, SOMEONE HAS A SAD FACE.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
LITTLE GIRL?
- BACK AWAY.
- OH, AND WOULD "BACK AWAY"
LIKE A PRETTY FLOWER?
- NO.
- TA-DA!
all: OOH!
- THE FLOWER
IS MADE OUT OF COUPONS.
[in high-pitched voice]
- TO MR. PING'S NOODLE SHOP.
FOUR OUT OF FIVE HERBALISTS
RECOMMEND NOODLE SOUP
FOR RIVER FEVER.
[all laughing]
WHO'S THE MASTER JUGGLER?
[in high-pitched voice]
NOT ME.
[all cheering]
[making kissing sounds]
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- [groans]
- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
- [groans]
- [making kissing sounds]
WHO LOVES YOU?
WHO LOVES YOU?
OF COURSE, I LOVE YOU.
ME LOVE YOU ALWAYS.
[chuckles]
[makes kissing sound]
[cheers and applause]
UH.
YOU'RE CHOKING ME.
- DOESN'T MR. CLOWN HAVE
URGENT BUSINESS SOMEWHERE?
- QUITE RIGHT.
[clears throat]
QUITE RIGHT.
MR. CLOWN HAS TO
MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE...
SOMETHING FRIENDLY.
[spitting]
WELL, KIDS,
MR. CLOWN MUST BE GOING NOW.
GOOD-BYE!
kids: AW.
- PING'S NOODLE SHOP.
[kids cheering]
squeak!
kids: AW.
- WE'VE GOT
TO FIND A WAY IN.
- UH!
- OH, THAT MONKEY
DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.
HE'S PATHETIC
AT DESTROYING HIS FRIEND.
I BLAME THE PARENTS.
I GUESS I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO GIVE HIM A LITTLE HELP.
IF YOU NEED SOMEONE
VIOLENTLY DESTROYED THESE DAYS,
I GUESS
YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF.
- [grunting]
OH, THESE ARE REALLY HEAVY.
AH!
- DESTROY PO.
- UH, YEAH,
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HELPING.
SEE IF YOU CAN FIND SOMETHING
TO PRY THESE OPEN WITH.
SOMETHING METAL WOULD BE GOOD.
- MONKEY.
- WITH A POINT.
AND HURRY.
WAH!
AH, HA-HA-HA, OOH!
THAT COULD BE
A BROKEN TOE RIGHT THERE.
OH, THOSE ARE PERFECT.
LET ME JUST
GET OUT OF YOUR WAY.
HUH?
W-W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- HYAH!
- CAN WE DO
YOUR HAIR AND MAKEUP?
- NO.
- ARE YOU STRONG ENOUGH
TO STOP US?
- [weakly] NO.
both:
WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOU PRETTY!
- UGH.
- SO DO U U LOVE PO?
- IS PO YOUR BOYFRIEND?
- W-WHAT?
NO.
both: HE WILL BE
WHEN HE SEES YOU!
[both laughing]
- JUST PERFECT.
- WHOA!
WAH.
WAIT A SECOND.
YOU'RE REALLY TRYING TO--
- DESTROY PO.
- HUH.
- WAH!
- UH!
WHOA!
HA!
OOH!
- HY!
- OOF!
OOH.
[blades whooshing]
AH!
- MUST DESTROY PO.
- YOUR EYES--
WHAT'S WITH YOUR--
WAIT A SECOND.
RED AND GLOWING EYES,
TRYING TO KILL ME,
ACTING LIKE A ZOMBIE.
THAT SCORPION
IS CONTROLLING YOUR MIND!
THAT'S AWESOME!
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?
[blades whooshing]
WHOA!
OOH-HOO!
AH!
- UH!
OH, AH!
YAH!
WAH!
- [panting]
AH!
MONKEY,
YOU'VE GOT TO SNAP OUT OF IT.
IT'S ME, PO,
YOUR BEST BUDDY.
AH!
- WAH, YA-YA-YA-YA-YA!
DA, DA, DA!
thud!
[ground crumbling]
- AH!
UH?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF I'M YOUR BEST BUDDY,
BUT I'M ONE OF YOUR BUDDIES.
AM I YOUR BEST BUDDY?
IT COULD BE MANTIS.
I MEAN, I KNOW YOU GUYS
HAVE LUNCH TOGETHER A LOT.
BUT YOU'RE MY BEST BUDDY.
YES, YOU ARE!
ESPECIALLY
IF YOU STOP TRYING TO KILL ME.
- DESTROY PO.
- NO!
DON'T DO IT, MONKEY.
IT'S ME.
I'M YOUR SNEEZY-TRICK FRIEND.
REMEMBER?
YOU, ME, FRIENDS?
SNEEZY TRICK?
HA-CHOO?
[sneezes]
- OOH!
- FRIENDS!
REMEMBER?
[sneezes]
[sneezes]
- MM?
FRIEND?
- IT'S GETTING LATE.
I'M NOT SURE
THEY'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
- DON'T SAY THAT.
THEY'LL BE HERE.
- [gasping]
CRANE, VIPER...
WAH!
MANTIS...
I'LL NEVER DO...
HYAH!
KUNG FU AGAIN.
- HEY, DON'T WORRY, TIGRESS.
THERE'S LOTS OF OTHER THINGS
YOU'RE GOOD AT,
LIKE...
UH...
- EE-OW!
- DON'T WORRY.
THEY'LL BE HERE.
[knocking]
- SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.
COME IN!
[cackling]
- PO NO MO'.
- LOOK AT YOU.
WHO DID A GOOD JOB?
MONKEY,
THAT'S WHO.
[sniffing]
EW.
HE'S ONLY BEEN DEAD
A FEW MINUTES.
HE SHOULDN'T STINK ALREADY.
- THAT'S THE STINK
OF AWESOMENESS!
HYAH!
UH.
- AH!
- US, ONE.
- SCORPION, ZERO.
- OH, HOW DID YOU
OVERCOME MY MIND CONTROL?
- WITH A POISON
THAT'S STRONGER THAN YOURS.
AND THAT POISON
IS CALLED "FRIENDSHIP."
- WE'LL TAKE THAT FLOWER NOW.
- THE ONLY THING
YOU'RE GOING TO GET
IS A LITTLE SOAP
TO WASH OUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH.
- LET'S DO THIS.
- YA!
OOH, RAH!
- AH!
IT'S ON ME!
IT'S ON ME!
OOH.
- OOH-AH!
- UH!
GAH!
- OOH.
- BUH!
- HUH?
- THIS IS GOING
TO STING A LITTLE BIT.
JUST KIDDING.
IT BURNS LIKE FIRE.
- NEGATORY!
- AH!
- HOO-AH!
- [growling]
YEAH-HEH.
- UH.
AH.
- UGH.
UH!
- WAH!
OOF.
- HEE-YOW!
- UGH!
YEE!
OH, HA!
- OOH!
HUH.
UGH.
- YOU'LL NEVER GET MY ORCHID.
- HWAH!
- OH, SWEETHEART,
YOU CAN'T SURPRISE SOMEONE
WITH THIS MANY EYEBALLS.
- OH, NO?
DOY!
- WHA?
HA!
UGH.
[growling]
UH.
- [sneezes]
- NICE ONE!
- BONUS POINTS FOR PO!
- HEY, I HELPED.
WE SPLIT 'EM.
- DEAL.
- [groaning]
- WE GOT IT!
- QUICK!
IT'S ALMOST SUNDOWN.
- I'M SUPPOSED
TO MAKE TEA FROM THIS THING,
BUT THERE'S NO TIME.
- HUH!
HA!
HUH!
HA! HUH!
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE D--
I'M...
I'M CURED.
[all cheering]
- YOU'RE WELCOME?
GUH.
- SORRY.
[cheers]
- YOU HAVE DONE WELL.
- YEAH, ONCE I USED
MY DRAGON-WARRIOR-NESS
TO CURE MONKEY
OF HIS ZOMBIFICATION...
- PO, DO YOUR FUNNY
ZOMBIE IMPRESSION OF ME.
- OH, OH, YEAH, YEAH,
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
DESTROY PO.
MUST--
THESE...ARE...PEPPERS!
GAH!
- MONKEY, ONE.
PANDA, ZERO.
- AHH!
UH!