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♪♪♪
ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE BEST WAY
TO DEAL WITH YOUR FEELINGS?
WELL, I DID CONSIDER THROWING A DART AT THE REAL THING,
(dart strikes board)
(sighs)
BUT YOU'VE MISSED A LOT OF WORK,
AND IT'S NOT THAT I MIND COVERING FOR YOU,
BECAUSE I DON'T,
BUT I HEMMED A SKIRT YESTERDAY WITH A STAPLE GUN.
I'M SORRY, BETTY. IT'S JUST... IT'S BEEN REALLY HARD
SINCE SHE'S BANNED ME FROM SEEING THE BABY.
WE'VE BECOME REALLY ATTACHED TO THAT WEE ***.
IT'S GONNA TAKE TIME
AND SOME INTENSIVE SCOTTISH THERAPY.
YOU'RE UP, STUART.
LOOK, MAYBE COMING BACK TO WORK
WOULD HELP GET YOUR MIND OFF THINGS.
MATT'S DAD'S COMING IN TO SIGN THE DEAL
THAT'S GONNA HELP SAVE MEADE, AND WE'RE THROWING A PARTY!
AND I ORDERED A COCONUT CAKE JUST FOR YOU.
NO ONE ELSE EVEN LIKES COCONUT.
OH, WELL, YOU DO MAKE A GOOD ARGUMENT.
I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU BE HAPPY AGAIN.
I HATE SEEING YOU LIKE THIS. IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
LISTEN, YOU COMING FOR A DRINK WITH ME IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.
STOP.
TO FRIENDS.
(clink)
♪♪♪
(coughs)
(groans)
TWO MORE, PLEASE?
(door closes)
OH, GOOD, YOU'RE HERE!
WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE JUNIOR HIGH?
(Ignacio) HI, HOW'S CHRISTINA?
OH, GOOD.
AHEM! OKAY, NOW THAT EVERYBODY IS HERE--
JUSTIN!
WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED? (gasps)
SETTLE, SETTLE. WE ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED.
OH.
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE PREGNANT! OH, SHE'S PREGNANT!
OH, MY GOD.
YOU GUYS, CUT IT OUT! I'M NOT PREGNANT.
LISTEN,
TOMORROW... ARCHIE IS GOING TO ANNOUNCE
THE LAUNCH OF HIS CAMPAIGN...
FOR PRESIDENT!
OH! (laughs)
(Betty) OH, WOW, THAT'S SO GREAT!
HOW EXCITING, ARCHIE.
CONGRATULATIONS, MR. PRESIDENT.
LOOK, HE HAD T-SHIRTS MADE.
I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR THAT, DO I?
HEY. "VOTE ARCHIE RODRIGUEZ--
VERY CLEVER.
(chuckles) I DON'T GET IT.
NOW I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
AS PART OF THE LAUNCH, NEWS 12 IS DOING
A FEATURE ON ME TOMORROW. I WANT YOU TO BE IN IT.
YEAH, YOU'VE INSPIRED ME.
I FIGURED IF I COULD GET SOMEONE LIKE YOU,
OOH! YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!
(giggles) I'M GONNA BE FIRST LADY.
(scoffs)
OKAY, WELL, BIGGER PICTURE-- YOU'RE GONNA BE ON TV TOMORROW,
WHICH MEANS YOU HAVE TO LOOK TASTEFUL.
AND LET'S JUST SAY YOUR CLOSET PRESENTS SOME... CHALLENGES.
HEY, I COULD GET YOU SOME OUTFITS FROM "MODE."
YOU'RE GONNA GIVE ME CLOTHES?
NO, I'M LENDING YOU CLOTHES.
(Archie chuckles)
CHRISTINA?
NO.
(groans) WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT HERE?
WHY DID I GET COCONUT CAKE?
(cell phone rings)
(beeps)
HEY, HILDA, DID YOU GET THE DRESSES?
HMM?
HOW *** CAN A FIRST LADY BE?
WELL, WHY CAN'T YOU DO BOTH?
GOD. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM SO NERVOUS ABOUT ALL OF THIS!
WELL, BECAUSE ARCHIE ASKED YOU TO BE ON TV WITH HIM.
I KNOW, I KNOW. IT'S LIKE HE ASKED ME
(telephone rings)
HOLD ON. CLOSET.
UH, NO, CHRISTINA IS NOT HERE...
RIGHT--RIGHT NOW.
Can I, uh, tell her you called?
She's still not in yet?
Yeah, I don't know how much longer
I CAN KEEP COVERING FOR HER.
I MEAN, AT SOME POINT, I HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE, RIGHT?
LISTEN, THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH YOU CAN DO, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
10 pounds.
OH, CRAP, I GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO.
(indistinct conversations)
(sighs) OH, CAN YOU PUT THAT UP HIGHER?
OKAY, EVERYONE, HARTLEY'S COMING AT 11:00 A.M. SHARP,
SO PLEASE, LET'S PICK UP THE PACE.
HEY, BETTY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH, DID YOU CHECK OUT THE OMELET BAR?
EVERYONE LOVES AN OMELET BAR.
OH, DID YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO PRINT UP
YES.
PLASTIC COVERS?
RELAX, DANIEL. YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT.
YOU'VE GOT A WONDERFUL PRESENTATION,
BETTY, COME ON.
THE MAN MADE ME DRESS UP IN A BUNNY COSTUME.
I HAVE TO PROVE TO HIM THAT I DESERVE RESPECT.
BESIDES, NOTHING'S OFFICIAL
UNTIL HE SIGNS ON THE DOTTED LINE.
OH!
OH, WILLIAM. HI, WILLIAM.
(William cries)
OH, THANK YOU, BETTY.
THAT'LL BE WORTH AT LEAST TEN YEARS OF THERAPY.
UH, DANIEL, WILL YOU HOLD HIM?
HE IS YOUR HALF BROTHER.
OH, UH, O-OKAY.
WHA--OOH, OOH, OOH.
(sighs) BEFORE WE START OUR PRESENTATION,
I WANT HARTLEY TO HOLD HIM.
WELL, I HEARD HE HAS A SOFT SPOT FOR KIDS.
APPARENTLY, ALL HIS CHARITIES BENEFIT "THE CHILDREN."
SO ONCE HE GETS A GLANCE AT MY LITTLE ANGEL,
HE WILL BE PUTTY IN OUR HANDS.
IT'S HUMAN NATURE. YOU PUT ONE IN YOUR ARMS,
AND YOU TURN INTO A GRINNING IDIOT... LIKE THAT.
(speaks gibberish)
IN DANIEL'S DEFENSE, HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE THAT.
OH, STUPID NANNY.
SHE PACKED A SWEATER WITH A LOOSE BUTTON.
WILL YOU TAKE THIS DOWN TO THE CLOSET
RIGHT AWAY, FRAULEIN.
NO.
OH.
I'M GOING DOWN THERE NOW, ANYWAY.
AAH!
SHE'S STRONG.
OW! SON OF A... MMM.
OH, YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO BUILD UP CALLUSES LIKE MINE.
BRIGHT-EYED AND BUSHY-TAILED.
NOW WE CAN START BY LETTING ME HAVE THAT.
NOW COME--JUST--
OH, IT'S THE, UH... EH...
THE BABY'S HERE.
YEAH. SORRY.
NO, IT'S OKAY. IT'S FINE.
I CAN HANDLE IT.
I AM A MATURE WOMAN.
I JUST WISH I'D BROUGHT MY DARTS.
MM.
(ticking)
LET'S STAY SHARP. HARTLEY'S HERE ANY SECOND.
(drums playing cadence)
(Wilhelmina) IT'S TIME TO GET SERIOUS, MARC.
PUT ON YOUR GAME FACE.
NOT YOUR GAY FACE-- YOUR GAME FACE.
THEY'RE THE SAME FACE.
THANKS.
(Amanda grunts)
(elevator bell dings)
OH, COME ON!
HI, STEVE! WRONG FLOOR.
SEE YA.
(Marc) THERE HE IS!
MR. HARTLEY, SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANKS, BUNNY.
BETTY, ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
MM.
CLAIRE.
UH, YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?
AGES AGO.
IT'S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.
DAMN, THIS IS AN ATTRACTIVE STAFF.
AW... THANK YOU!
SHOULD WE, UH, TAKE A TOUR,
WHY DON'T YOU START WITHOUT ME?
WHA--IS THERE A BABY HERE? CAN I SEE HIM?
YOU DO?
(all chuckle)
RIGHT THIS WAY. YES, YES.
(staff laughs)
DADDY MORE-BUCKS IS KIND OF OLD, BUT HOT.
DO US ALL A FAVOR AND WAIT TILL AFTER HE SIGNS THE DEAL
I MAKE NO PROMISES.
AH.
IS THIS A JOKE?
(gasps) WHAT'S GOING ON?
MARC, WHERE'S WILLIAM?
UH, HE WAS IN HERE NAPPING A MINUTE AGO.
HAS ANYONE SEEN THE BABY?
OH, MY GOD.
MY BABY'S GONE.
♪♪♪
WHERE IS MY BABY?
I WAS, I WAS. I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING!
(groans) HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
HAVE THEM LOCK DOWN THE BUILDING.
GOT IT.
I KNOW WHERE TO START LOOKING.
OH! I THOUGHT SUCKING UP TO THE RICH GUY
WILLIAM'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.
JUST NOW!
SHE DID IT-- THAT UNGRATEFUL FOREIGN WOMAN.
(scoffs) NOT HER, THE WHITE ONE.
NO! NO. JUST GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.
I-I DIDN'T DO IT! I WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME!
WE WILL LET THE COPS DECIDE.
NO ONE LEAVES HERE UNTIL THEY SPEAK TO THE POLICE.
THAT INCLUDES YOU.
BREAKING NEWS. TODAY'S HOT COLOR--AMBER--
AS IN "ALERT."
THE GOLDEN CHILD OF WILHELMINA SLATER
AND THE LATE BRADFORD MEADE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED.
ALL MEADE EMPLOYEES ARE BEING QUESTIONED.
INFORMATION IS SCARCE, BUT, I, SUZUKI ST. PIERRE,
HAVE AN EXCLUSIVE WITH AN EYEWITNESS.
OH, HEY, THERE. OH, BEFORE WE START,
I'LL ONLY SPEAK ON THE CONDITION OF UNANIMITY.
DO YOU MEAN "ANONYMITY"?
EXACTLY.
BUT YOU'RE ON TV. EVERYONE CAN SEE YOU.
I KNOW.
OKAY, CUT. CUT. TAKE FIVE.
I'M GETTING AN OMELET.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. WHO WOULD KIDNAP A BABY?
I WOULDN'T PUT IT PAST WILHELMINA TO DO IT HERSELF.
MOM, YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. BESIDES, GIVEN YOUR PAST,
YOU'RE A MUCH MORE LIKELY SUSPECT.
OH! OF COURSE NOT.
KIDNAPPING ISN'T MY M.O. AT ALL.
IT DISTURBS ME THAT MY MOTHER HAS AN M.O.
(police radio chatter)
YEAH.
I'M SO SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS.
WHY DO WE NEED TO RESCHEDULE?
YEAH, LOOK, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
IT--IT BREAKS MY HEART THAT THERE'S A CHILD MISSING.
BUT TOMORROW MORNING, I GET ON A PLANE FOR MOSCOW.
SO WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO LOCK THIS THING DOWN TODAY,
OR THAT'S IT.
(clears throat) ALL RIGHT, UM...
EXCUSE ME JUST A SECOND.
(police radio chatter)
(speaking inaudibly)
MS. SLATER SEEMS TO THINK
THAT YOUR FRIEND CHRISTINA McKINNEY
HAS SOMETHING TO DO
WITH THE DISAPPEARANCE OF HER CHILD.
NO, SHE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
SHE LOVES THAT BABY. SHE'S AS DEVASTATED AS ANYONE ELSE.
LOOK, SHE ALREADY TOLD YOU,
SHE WAS IN THE CLOSET THE WHOLE TIME.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE TALKING TO YOU, MISS SUAREZ.
(sighs) DETECTIVE, I HAVE KNOWN CHRISTINA FOR YEARS.
THERE IS NO WAY SHE COULD'VE DONE THIS.
OKAY.
YOU CAN GO.
BUT, UH, IF YOU THINK OF ANYTHING THAT MIGHT HELP,
HERE'S MY CARD.
CHRISTINA! (sighs)
(cell phone rings)
HI, HILDA.
(Hilda) Archie hated the dresses.
HE SAYS THEY'RE TOO FANCY.
HE WANTS TO REPRESENT HIMSELF AS A MAN OF THE PEOPLE
HILDA, CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?
OKAY, WHAT IS THE EMERGENCY? STRIPES ARE OVER?
NO, WILHELMINA'S BABY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.
OH... GOD. THEN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING TO ME FOR?
(beep)
AMANDA, DO YOU KNOW WHERE CHRISTINA IS?
BETTY, WHEN I MARRY MR. HARTLEY,
I'M GONNA BE YOUR MOM.
UH, AMANDA, I NEED YOU TO FOCUS RIGHT NOW.
DON'T TALK TO YOUR MOTHER THAT WAY. GO TO YOUR ROOM.
AMANDA, DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE CHRISTINA IS?
FINE. SHE JUST LEFT.
THE POLICE RELEASED HER?
I GUESS. SHE DID SEEM PRETTY UPSET.
WELL, OF COURSE SHE'S UPSET.
HMM.
WILL YOU TELL DANIEL I'LL BE BACK?
(sighs) THEY GROW UP SO FAST.
(speaking indistinctly)
OKAY?
CHRISTINA!
BETTY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YEAH, I'M JUST TAKING HIS CAR HOME.
I KINDA NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THERE.
YEAH, I KNOW. YOU'RE UPSET.
BETTY, I'LL BE FINE, REALLY.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. JUST GO BACK TO WORK.
NO, NO, I CAN GO BACK IN A MINUTE.
BETTY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WELL, I AM.
I'M--I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY.
NO, CHRISTINA, YOU DON'T SEEM OKAY.
YOU SEEM REALLY WORRIED, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.
CHRISTINA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
(baby cries)
(crying continues)
(gasps)
CHRISTINA!
YOU TOOK THE BABY!
AAH!
(tires squeal)
I DON'T KNOW!
WHEN YOU TOLD ME THE BABY WAS IN THE OFFICE,
I-I JUST SNAPPED.
AND THEN WHEN EVERYONE WENT TO THE ELEVATOR,
YOU KNOW, I DEFENDED YOU TO THE POLICE.
I'M A PART OF THIS NOW.
BETTY, IT'S NOT A KIDNAPPING WHEN IT'S YOUR OWN SON.
IT'S NOT YOUR CHILD. CHRISTINA, THERE WAS A TEST.
AND YOU THINK THAT WILHELMINA
IS NOT CAPABLE OF-- OF FAKING A D.N.A. TEST?
BETTY, SHE NEEDS THAT CHILD
TO HOLD ON TO HER PLACE AT MEADE.
THIS IS INSANE. THIS IS CRAZY.
WE HAVE TO GO BACK. YOU HAVE TO RETURN THE BABY.
(siren wailing)
OH! OH, GOD. OH.
OH, I'M SO SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO GET INVOLVED.
OH!
(Daniel) AND THIS CHART CLEARLY SHOWS
THE FOURTH-QUARTER PROJECTIONS.
SO AS YOU CAN SEE, EVEN IN A BAD ECONOMY,
"MODE" SALES HAVE INCREASED.
WE'VE ALREADY LINED UP KATE BECKINSALE,
(glass shatters)
IS THIS A JOKE? WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MY CHILD!
HATHAWAY-- SHE, UM, SHE'S HOT.
SORRY. UH, I MEAN, SHE'S HOT RIGHT NOW.
(police radio chatter)
UH...
(police radio chatter continues)
I'M SORRY.
MR. HARTLEY... THIS DEAL IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ME,
BUT, UH, MY PARTNER'S SON HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED--
MY HALF BROTHER.
SO YOU'RE ASKING IF YOU CAN RESCHEDULE,
EVEN THOUGH I TOLD YOU
THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I CAN DO THIS?
YES, I AM.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?
(sighs)
I'M GONNA MAKE TIME BEFORE MY FLIGHT TOMORROW MORNING.
(siren whoops)
(police radio chatter)
(taps on window)
HI.
LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.
WE'VE GOT A SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE.
YOUR TAILLIGHT IS OUT.
OH. JUST THE TAILLIGHT?
IS ROAD SAFETY A JOKE TO YOU?
NO, MA'AM. ACTUALLY, I WAS SALLY THE SAFETY DUCK
ALL THROUGH ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
MM-HMM.
WAIT HERE.
CHRISTINA, CAN WE PLEASE JUST TAKE WILLIAM BACK
BEFORE THIS GETS WORSE?
BETTY, HE'S MY SON.
NO, LOOK, LOOK.
IT'S A PICTURE OF ME AS A BABY.
BETTY, YOU KNOW ME.
YOU--YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING AS CRAZY AS THIS
IF I WASN'T 100% SURE.
PLEASE?
I'M GONNA LET YOU OFF WITH A WARNING,
BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE TO GET THAT TAILLIGHT FIXED.
(William cries)
(Betty and Christina) MINE.
OURS. THE BABY IS OURS.
WILL BOTH YOU LADIES STEP OUT OF THE CAR, PLEASE?
AROUND TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR, PLEASE, MA'AM.
YOU, TOO, MISS. AROUND TO THE FRONT.
WHAT WERE YOU LADIES THINKING?
COME HERE.
WITH THE LaCORTE INFANT CAR SEAT,
YOU GOTTA USE THE LOCKING CLIP.
IT'S SAFER. (laughs) MY PARTNER AND I HAVE THE SAME ONE.
THE CAR SEAT, NOT THE BABY. (laughs)
(both chuckle)
ALL RIGHT, HAVE A GOOD ONE, LADIES.
OKAY.
UH...
(exhales sharply)
OH, BETTY, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
CHRISTINA, LOOK, I BELIEVE YOU, OKAY?
BUT THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO DEAL WITH THINGS.
I JUST WISH YOU WOULD'VE COME TO ME FIRST.
LET'S JUST GET SOMEWHERE SAFE SO WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT.
IT'S HOUR...
JEEZ, I CAN'T READ THIS WATCH.
LET'S JUST SAY HOUR FOUR OF THE SLATER-MEADE KIDNAPPING.
NOW THE FUZZ HAVE BEEN A LITTLE STINGY ABOUT THE DETAILS,
SO WE'RE FORCED TO CONFINE OUR REPORTING
TO GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED WILD SPECULATION.
NOW THE BOYS IN THE F.X. DEPARTMENT
HAVE USED AGE-PROGRESSION SOFTWARE
TO DETERMINE WHAT THE SPAWN OF BRADFORD MEADE
AND WILHELMINA SLATER WOULD LOOK LIKE BY 20.
(bell dings)
MOTHER OF PEARL, THE MAN IS AN ADONIS.
THE WORLD CANNOT AFFORD TO LOSE THIS SPECIMEN.
(gasps)
IF YOU'RE OUT THERE LISTENING,
I MAKE THIS DEMAND OF THE KIDNAPPERS--
BRING HIM BACK. WE'RE TALKING FASHION ROYALTY.
MOM! MOM.
I HAVE TO WATCH THIS! THIS IS MY O.J.
THEN GO WATCH IN THE KITCHEN. THEY'RE ABOUT TO START SHOOTING.
THAT'S PERFECT, THANKS.
NICE WORK, GETTING THEM TO SHOOT IN MY SALON.
WELL, YOUR SALON IS AN EXAMPLE
OF MY SUPPORT FOR SMALL BUSINESS.
AND IT'S THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT
YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER. YOU ALREADY GOT MY VOTE.
JUST MAKE SURE THAT THEY GET A CLEAR SHOT OF MY SIGN.
(chuckles)
NO PROBLEM.
THANK YOU FOR ASKING ME TO BE A PART OF THIS THING.
(woman) UM, COUNCILMAN, WE'RE READY TO CHECK YOUR MIKE.
OH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT. UM, THANKS. SEE YOU IN A BIT.
OKAY.
OKAY. (sighs)
(Suzuki) ...THIS DRAMA WILL UNFOLD.
THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS,
(door opens)
IF THE BABY SNATCHERS HAVE ANY SENSE OF DECENCY AT ALL,
THEY'LL TAKE THE GENETICALLY BLESSED BAMBINO TO...
YOU ARE KIDDING ME.
WE FOUND THIS
FROM THE SECURITY CAMERA IN THE STAIRWELL.
I BROUGHT IT TO YOU FIRST, AS PER OUR USUAL AGREEMENT.
(clears throat)
OH.
HIT IT.
(button clicks)
UH, COULD YOU PAUSE, PLEASE?
(button clicks)
UM, TROY, MAY WE HAVE A MOMENT ALONE?
COME ON, YOU.
WHO'S THAT?
THAT IS CHRISTINA'S HUSBAND STUART.
(gasps) GREAT SCOTT!
I'M SORRY. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT.
SO SHE REALLY DID TAKE THE BABY.
OH, SO THAT'S GREAT NEWS. THE BABY'S SAFE.
NOW ALL WE NEED TO FIND CHRISTINA
IS A TEAM OF ***-SNIFFING HOUNDS.
WIL, IT'S OKAY. CHRISTINA WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING
TO HURT LITTLE WILLIAM.
IN A FEW HOURS, HE'LL BE BACK SAFE AND SOUND
IN HIS NANNY'S ARMS.
WE DON'T HAVE A FEW HOURS.
IF CHRISTINA HAS THE BABY,
THEN THE TRUTH IS GOING TO GET OUT.
WHAT TRUTH ARE YOU REFERRING TO?
I HAD THE D.N.A. TEST FAKED.
THE BABY'S NOT MINE.
IT'S CHRISTINA'S.
SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU FAKED THE D.N.A. TEST
IN ORDER TO CLAIM CHRISTINA'S BABY
AS YOUR OWN.
OH, THE BIGGER PICTURE, FOOL.
IF IT GETS OUT THAT THIS BABY IS NOT MINE,
I LOSE MY CLAIM TO THE MEADE FORTUNE.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHERE THAT BABY IS
HOW? CHRISTINA COULD BE ANYWHERE.
OKAY. I'M A SCOTTISH SEAMSTRESS/KIDNAPPER
AND I HAVE A PASTY COMPLEXION.
WHERE DO I TURN?
YOU WOULD TURN TO YOUR BEST FRIEND.
BETTY.
OH, MY GOD. YOU GUYS ARE THE KIDNAPPERS?
SHH! NO, WE'RE NOT KIDNAPPERS.
WELL, OKAY, TECHNICALLY, WE'RE KIDNAPPERS,
THIS IS SO EXCITING. I GOTTA GO TELL ALL MY FRIENDS.
WHOA, YOU GO UP TO YOUR ROOM AND YOU DON'T SAY A WORD.
BUT ALL THIS DRAMA--I CAN'T EVEN TELL THE DRAMA CLUB?
FINE.
YOU GUYS GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
IF REPORTERS THINK THAT ARCHIE HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS,
HILDA, JUST KEEP THEM IN THE SALON.
WE'LL SNEAK UP THE STAIRS.
ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU CAN'T STAY IN THE HOUSE.
I DON'T CARE. I JUST DON'T WANT ARCHIE TO SEE YOU HERE.
HILDA? IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
(chuckles) YEAH.
EVERYTHING IS GREAT. NEVER BETTER!
FINE, I WILL DISTRACT THEM. BUT THIS ISN'T OVER.
(Hilda) OKAY, EVERYBODY! (claps hands)
LET'S GET THOSE CAMERAS ROLLING.
I'M FEELING REALLY GOOD ABOUT THIS.
HOW ABOUT EVERYBODY FACES ME AS I STAND AGAINST THE WINDOW?
OH, HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN ARCHIE'S POSTER,
HOW HANDSOME HE IS?
OH, NO, THAT'S GREAT. WHY DON'T WE USE WHILE WE'RE--
YOU KNOW WHAT? ACTUALLY, I PREFER THE WINDOW.
I LIKE TO BE BACKLIT. IT'S VERY... SPIELBERG.
(William cries)
WAS THAT A BABY?
NO, THAT WAS JUSTIN, MY SON.
MEGAN FOX AND BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN BROKE UP AGAIN.
WELL, HERE'S WHAT I WAS THINKING,
OH!
YOU KNOW, YOU WANNA GO OUT THE FRONT DOOR?
YOU KNOW WHAT? I JUST HAD AN IDEA--GENIUS.
ARCHIE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD REALLY SHOW THEM?
THE YIELD SIGN YOU HAD INSTALLED DOWN THE BLOCK.
WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO SEE A YIELD SIGN?
BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR FIRST ACT AS COUNCILMAN.
ACTUALLY, I LOVE IT.
WELL, O-OKAY.
SEE? COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU THE SIGN.
BEFORE IT WAS THERE, THERE WAS NO YIELDING.
IT WAS CHAOS. YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
HE HAS SAVED THE DAY-- ARCHIE RODRIGUEZ. (mouths words)
(mouths word)
(sighs)
OH.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TELL ME, MIJA?
OH, HI, STUART.
I'M AFRAID WE'VE HAD A LITTLE BIT OF A DETOUR.
KIDNAPPING. AY, DIOS MIO.
PAPI--
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ASKED WHERE YOU SHOULD DRAW THE LINE
HILDA, WE HAD NO OTHER OPTIONS.
I'M TRYING TO.
I'M NOT EVEN GONNA DISCUSS THE FACT
THAT YOU KIDNAPPED A BABY, BUT THEN TO BRING HIM HERE
WHAT WAS I GONNA DO? SHE NEEDED MY HELP.
BUT, BETTY, SHE DIDN'T JUST JUMP A SUBWAY TURNSTILE.
I KNOW, BUT SHE THINKS THAT BABY IS HERS,
AND I BELIEVE HER.
MIJA, EVEN IF IT IS, WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO?
I DON'T KNOW. GET ANOTHER D.N.A. TEST, SOMETHING.
OKAY, SO WE JUST MAYBE
DROP BY THE D.N.A. PAGODA AT THE MALL.
OKAY, HILDA, OKAY. I GET IT. WE NEED HELP.
YEAH, BUT WHO'S GONNA HELP A FUGITIVE?
(telephone rings)
(beep)
OH, HEY, BETTY. YES, I'LL CONNECT YOU TO CLAIRE.
(glass shatters)
OW! MY HAIR!
Hello. This is Claire.
(Betty) Mrs. Meade, I really need your help.
BETTY, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING BY CALLING ME.
DR. GELOBTER IS A CLOSE FRIEND.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, MRS. MEADE.
WELL, BETTY'S HELPED ME MANY TIMES IN THE PAST.
I'M ONLY TOO HAPPY TO RETURN THE FAVOR.
AND ONCE WE PROVE THAT THIS BABY ISN'T WILHELMINA'S,
WE'LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO GET RID OF THAT ***.
(tires squealing)
(sirens wailing)
(man) POLICE. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
PUT YOUR HANDS UP!
(man) MA'AM, HAND OVER THE BABY NOW.
GET BACK! GET YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK.
NO, NO!
(man) YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU
IN A COURT OF LAW.
SO IN THEORY, IF YOU HADN'T STOPPED US,
WE'D ALREADY KNOW THE TRUE IDENTITY OF THE BABY'S MOTHER.
IN FACT, WE WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU RESOLVE THE SITUATION.
HEY, LADY, YOU CAN STOP TALKING, HUH? WE GET IT.
YOU'VE BEEN FREE TO GO FOR 15 MINUTES.
YOUR FRIEND OVER THERE HAS GOT A GOOD LAWYER.
OKAY, SO WILHELMINA'S AGREED TO DROP THE CHARGES
WHAT ABOUT CHRISTINA?
DANIEL, BECAUSE SHE ACTUALLY THINKS
THAT THE BABY IS HERS. DANIEL, I BELIEVE HER.
COME ON, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO WILHELMINA.
THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP.
(police radio chatter)
(sighs)
(sniffles)
(police radio chatter continues)
(Claire) JUST DON'T HOLD YOUR BREATH.
THAT WOMAN WON'T GIVE UP ANYTHING
UNLESS YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING ON HER.
WILHELMINA, WE ARE IN FRONT OF A D.N.A. FACILITY.
I AM NOT GONNA INDULGE THE LUNATIC WHO TOOK MY SON
I KNOW. I-I'M JUST SAYING,
THEN WE'D BE DONE WITH THIS WHOLE UGLY SITUATION.
I TOOK THE TEST ALREADY. IT PROVED THAT HE WAS MY SON.
JUST BECAUSE SHE'S NOT HAPPY WITH THE RESULTS,
I SHOULD SUBMIT TO ANOTHER ONE?
LOOK, DANIEL, SHE STOLE MY SON.
LORD KNOWS WHERE SHE COULD'VE TAKEN HIM.
AND YOU WANT ME TO HAVE SYMPATHY FOR HER?
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, SHE CAN ROT IN JAIL.
(police radio chatter)
THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING WE CAN DO.
WE'RE IN HANDCUFFS IN THE BACK OF A POLICE CAR, BETTY.
NO, WE'RE NOT.
WE COULD GET A COURT ORDER OR... SOMETHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING...
TAKING ON WILHELMINA SLATER.
(sighs) I DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE.
CHRISTINA...
YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND, BETTY.
I JUST WANTED HIM TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE.
THAT'S ALL.
(engine turns over)
(man) MA'AM, WOULD YOU PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM THE VEHICLE?
OH.
(lowered voice) I MADE A FEW MORE BOTTLES,
AND THEY'RE IN THE REFRIGERATOR,
AND THE NANNY SHOULD BE HERE AT 7:00 TO TAKE OVER.
THANK YOU, MARC.
IS THERE SOMETHING ELSE?
N-NO.
UM, JUST...
CONGRATULATIONS, I GUESS.
YOU DID IT.
AS FAR AS ANYONE KNOWS, THE BABY IS YOURS.
THE BABY IS MINE, MARC.
OF COURSE HE IS. UM...
AND YOUR POSITION AT THE COMPANY IS SECURE.
AND CHRISTINA IS GOING TO JAIL.
WIN-WIN.
IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT?
I...
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, WILHELMINA.
GOOD NIGHT, MARC.
(coos)
(sighs)
(Betty) I'M SORRY, HILDA.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT THEM HERE.
I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
MM. IT'S JUST A GOOD THING THAT ARCHIE DIDN'T FIND OUT.
IF HE THOUGHT THAT YOU BROUGHT A KIDNAPPED BABY HERE
WITH A NEWS CREW FOLLOWING HIM AROUND...
(laughs) HE WOULD BE SO, SO--
I WOULD BE SO... WHAT?
CUTE.
YOU ARE SO CUTE. (laughs)
DID YOU CHANGE TIES? BECAUSE IT IS--IT IS CUTE.
IT IS WORKING FOR ME. SEXY. I LIKE IT.
HILDA, I KNOW.
(scoffs) CONCEITED!
BUT STILL CUTE.
JUSTIN TOLD ME EVERYTHING.
(chuckles) HE'S ALWAYS MAKING UP STORIES.
HILDA, STOP. LOOK, SHE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, ARCHIE.
IT WAS ME. IT WAS MY FAULT.
I WASN'T TRYING TO ENDANGER YOUR CAMPAIGN.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP MY FRIEND.
I UNDERSTAND THAT. I THINK THAT'S NOBLE.
WHAT? YOU WERE STRESSING ABOUT WHAT DRESS I WAS GONNA WEAR,
BUT NOW YOU'RE OKAY WITH KIDNAPPING?
OKAY, OKAY, TO BE CLEAR,
AS CANDIDATE FOR QUEENS BOROUGH PRESIDENT,
I AM NOT OKAY WITH KIDNAPPING, BUT...
AS YOUR FRIEND,
I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU THINK IS RIGHT.
BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT'S RIGHT,
BECAUSE WILHELMINA WON.
DID YOU TRY FIGHTING DIRTY?
EXCUSE ME?
WELL, I'M-- I'M JUST SAYING,
WE ALL WANT TO PLAY BY THE RULES,
BUT SOMETHING I'VE LEARNED IN CITY POLITICS IS,
WELL, TO GET WHAT YOU WANT,
SOMETIMES IT DOESN'T HURT TO BE A LITTLE... CREATIVE.
(knock on door)
I KNOW THE TRUTH.
AND, UH, WHAT TRUTH DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW?
THAT BABY DOESN'T BELONG WITH YOU.
AND THAT AUBERGINE FAUX FUR DOESN'T BELONG WITH ANYTHING.
YET HERE WE ARE.
I CAN PROVE IT.
YOU SEE THIS? THIS STAIN IS THE BABY'S SPIT-UP.
AND WHEN I GET IT TESTED, IT'S GONNA PROVE
THAT THE BABY IS CHRISTINA'S, AND YOU WILL GO TO JAIL.
OR...
YOU CAN ADMIT THAT THE BABY ISN'T YOURS,
AND WE CAN CHALK UP THAT FAKE D.N.A. TEST TO A MISTAKE.
YOUR CHOICE.
LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT ME.
YES.
YES, I DO.
SO WE SHOULD GIVE
THAT ENCHANTING POLY-BLEND THING
TO YOUR LAB?
AND WHEN THE D.N.A. RESULTS COME BACK
AND THEY SAY "STRAWBERRY MILKSHAKE,"
THEN WHAT?
BABY SPIT-UP AND MILKSHAKE
ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COLORS.
OH, COME ON, BETTY. I'M A FASHION EXPERT.
I NOTICE EVERYTHING. IT'S A GIFT AND A CURSE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I DON'T HAVE D.N.A. EVIDENCE.
BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP.
I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONEY, AND I DON'T HAVE YOUR POWER,
BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH,
AND I WILL FIGHT UNTIL IT COMES OUT.
WILHELMINA, EVEN YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIE
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER TO JUST TELL THE TRUTH NOW.
(door opens and closes)
(sighs)
(camera shutters clicking)
WHEN I DISCOVERED THE ERROR IN THE D.N.A. TEST,
I WAS DEVASTATED, BUT I KNEW I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING.
BECAUSE WHILE I KNEW I'D BE LOSING MY BABY,
THERE WAS SIMPLY NO WAY
I COULD KEEP A CHILD FROM HIS REAL MOTHER.
IN A FINAL TWIST,
IT TURNS OUT THE BABY APPEARS NOT TO BE THE SCION
OF BRADFORD MEADE AND WILHELMINA SLATER--
BOO-HOO--BUT RATHER SOME KID
FROM A COUPLE OF SCOTTISH PEOPLE.
NOW GIVEN THIS NEW INFORMATION,
WE'VE HAD TO REVISE OUR PREVIOUS DEPICTION
OF WHAT THE BABY WOULD LOOK LIKE AT 20.
DEAR LORD.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT IS A SHAME THAT THIS KIDNAPPING STORY
HAS COME TO SUCH A TRAGIC CONCLUSION.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WILHELMINA TOLD THE TRUTH.
YES, THE WOMAN'S A SAINT.
OH, ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT HER SHARES IN THE COMPANY
ARE LITTLE WILLIAM'S,
AND WITHOUT THE BABY, SHE'S GOT NOTHING.
AND I DON'T CARE HOW TALENTED SHE IS.
YOU KEEP A COBRA AROUND LONG ENOUGH, EVENTUALLY THEY BITE.
MOM'S RIGHT.
LET ME FIRE HER.
NO. I'M GONNA DO IT. IT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY.
FINE. BUT I WANT TO SEE TEARS.
MR. HARTLEY,
BEFORE WE SIGN THE PAPERWORK, THERE'S JUST
A LITTLE BIT OF BUSINESS WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF.
WILHELMINA, AHEM, CAN I SPEAK WITH YOU?
YOU'RE FIRED.
SERIOUSLY?
YOUR TIME AT MEADE IS OVER.
WELL, THAT IS A SHAME.
WAIT. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, MR. HARTLEY,
THIS IS AN INTERNAL PERSONNEL MATTER.
I THOUGHT WE AGREED YOU'D BE A SILENT PARTNER.
WELL, YOU'LL FIND THAT SOMETIMES I'M NOT SO SILENT.
SHE'S A SHARK. SHE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
SON, I THINK A SHARK IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED
TO BALANCE THINGS OUT AROUND HERE.
LOOK, YOU'RE A STAND-UP GUY, DANIEL,
AND THAT'S GREAT, BUT I CAN'T HAVE YOU
HOPPING OFF TO YOUR BUNNY HOLE EVERY TIME A PROBLEM COMES UP.
I OWN COMPANIES IN COLOMBIA, INDIA, BRAZIL.
IF I STOPPED DOING BUSINESS EVERY TIME
SOMEBODY GOT KIDNAPPED, I'D NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE.
SO EITHER MS. SLATER KEEPS HER STAKE IN THE COMPANY
AND HER JOB,
OR I WALK.
(sniffs)
PLEASURE. CLAIRE.
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
(indistinct conversations)
(man) GOOD. FOR YOU.
(indistinct conversations)
I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.
OKAY, NEVER MIND.
(sighs) GLAD TO SEE YOU, BETTY.
WHAT FOR?
FOR THE PLUCKY LITTLE THREAT YOU MADE.
YOU WERE RIGHT. THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES OUT.
AND WHEN YOU MENTIONED THAT IT WOULD BE EASIER
NOT TO HAVE TO LIE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,
I TOOK THAT QUITE TO HEART.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO INVEST IN THIS COMPANY,
WHAT IS THAT?
I'M THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO STOLE A DEAD MAN'S ***,
WHO FALSIFIED D.N.A. RESULTS,
WHO KEPT A MOTHER IN THE DARK JUST TO MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION
THAT HER BABY WAS MINE--
ALL OF THIS TO ENSURE MY PLACE IN THIS COMPANY.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?
BECAUSE I'M SOMEONE YOU NEED ON YOUR SIDE,
WORKING FOR YOU
AS OPPOSED TO AN ENEMY...
WORKING AGAINST YOU.
YOU ENCOURAGED ME TO TELL THE TRUTH,
AND BECAUSE OF THAT, HARTLEY DECIDED TO KEEP ME ON.
SO THANK YOU AGAIN.
OH, AND WHEN CHRISTINA COMES BACK, WOULD YOU BE A DEAR
AND BRING THE BABY TO HER?
I THINK IT'D BE BEST IF SHE AND I DIDN'T SEE EACH OTHER.
♪♪♪
(clink)
♪♪♪
BRAVO, WILHEL-MAESTRO.
BRAVO.
♪♪♪
(elevator bell dings)
WHO'S THAT? IT'S YOUR MOMMY.
THERE'S MOMMY.
YES, YES.
HEY.
BETTY...
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY SINCE YOU FIRST GOT TO "MODE."
I MEAN, YOU STILL DRESS THE SAME, BUT STILL, A LONG WAY.
IT'S BEEN REALLY LOVELY KNOWING YOU AS A FRIEND. I MEAN THAT.
CHRISTINA, STOP. WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE YOU'RE GOING AWAY?
♪♪♪
CHRISTINA...
STUART AND I ARE GONNA GO BACK TO SCOTLAND.
WHAT?
WHY?
WE WANT TO BE CLOSER TO OUR FAMILIES
SO THE WEE ONE CAN GET TO KNOW THEM.
PLUS, I DON'T WANT HIM SPEAKING LIKE A YANK,
'CAUSE I CAN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU PEOPLE SAY. (chuckles)
WHAT, YOU THINK THEY DON'T HAVE DESIGNERS IN EDINBURGH?
LISTEN, I'VE NOT GIVEN UP ON MY DREAM.
THAT WAS SOMETHING I LEARNED FROM A VERY GOOD FRIEND.
♪♪♪
COME HERE.
OH. (cries)
♪♪♪
(kisses)
(William coos)
(elevator bell dings)
I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
I'LL MISS YOU, TOO.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪