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Owohowoho I've been put in custody
With my pals from the other dimension
What do I Look like with my ...
Say do you know a word that rimes with dimension ?
Rise and shine campers
This is Karim Debbache for a new chronicle
A completely new one who will speak about cinema
And I alredy hear you scream behind your LCDs
But Karim Debbache, movie emissions on videogames.com
It's utterly stupid
Why not video games emission on ... cinema.com ?
This to I respond: true the idea may seem completely absurd
But did'nt Jean-Luc Godard himself said:
Hi guys it's Jean-Luc Godard and honestly cinema is really cool
I would need more on video games.com
But long speeches are for full-lenght movies
And our video lasts probably less than 10 minutes
So I'll be happy with a short intro to present to you our concept
That I will conclude by an interpretaion of careless whisper on a melodica
The priciple of this show is simple. Each chronicle has as an objective to introduce you to a movie.
But all movies presented have in common to have a connexion with video games.
It can be a simple adaptation or a movie that brings a reflexion on the video game as a media
Men, women, children welcome to Crossed
Pay honor to whom honor is due. Our first video will talk about the most famous icon in gaming's history
As well as the first live adaptation of the adventures of a video game hero in cinema
I am of course talking about this huge waste of time, money and pellicle: Super Mario Bros the movie.
Doesnt'it already sound like a *** idea just when I say it ?
So, Super Mario Bros is an american movie that came out on the 28th of May 1993 in the United States. Remember the date it is important
And directed by Rocky Morton who on this time was a person of obscure repute. And who is today ... a person of obscure repute
The movie on his time was a commercial and critic failure despised by both film enthusiats and gamers
As you can guess, we could do like everyone else and gladly spit on this work. Except we are not here to shoot the ambulance
We're here to kick the *** out of the ambulance
The movie starts by a little animated introduction that would make any draw look like made by Miyazki but allows me to remind you it came out on the 28th of May 1993 in the USA
Wich is two weeks before Jurassic Park. And after that we dive into the fantasy world of the Mushroom King...
Brooklyn, we dive into Brooklyn because Mario is italian and every italian lives in Brooklyn. Because we are watching a racist movie.
So, Mario and Luigi are two plombers from Brooklyn who meet a youg archeologist named Daisy. Why Daisy ? Why not Peach?
Because Life is a ***.
Daisy happens to be actually a princess and gets kidnapped by Bowser's henchmen.
"A princess, Daisy, that's incredible"
Then Mario and Luigi will try to save her because Luigi fell in love with her, in a quarter second a few scenes ago.
Wich brings to the first difference between the game and the movie. It's Luigi who's gonna get the princess.
Highlighting a tacit rule of cinema. I you're fat, the heroine, you won' get her.
Even if you're Mario. If you're fat, you can't be the hero.
"- Daisy - Luigi"
Anyway, the plot begins when Mario and Luigi go to the Mushroom Kindom to save the princess
By going through what I suppose to be the purgatory of failed special effects.
But don't worry, when your eyes will stop bleeding. You'll be able to start crying for what they did to the Mushroom Kingdom.
This is the first big thing I reproach this movie. There is a huge, gigantic problem with Mario's universe.
I don't have anyting against doing things differentlly. But ***, there must be a right balance between cutesy clouds smiling at you
and this kind of disgusting Hell's anteroom filled with sliming crapts and beasts willing to eat you.
Cops have flamethrowers, grandmas knock you out with tasers, there are babies' thieves.
And machines making you regress genetically.
This is not Mushroom Kingdom. This is *** and Gomorrah
"Mario, I have a bad feeling, something makes me think we are no longer in Brooklyn."
We could think that it's not a big deal, there are only decorations after all. Maybe they succeeded with the chraracters ?
They didn't.
Let's pick Toad as an example, the nice adorable mushroom allways here to give you a hand
Do you know what he becomes in the movie ? A singer from Trio (french ecologist music band).
"There is no fresh water, no air. I am flat broke, such misery."
"This will be a catastrophe, That is for sure"
"Because of a *** Because of King Koopa"
And I pass rapidly the Goombas who are completely different from the game and Yoshi only here to remind you once again that this movie came out two weeks before Jurassic Park.
But the trophy for the weirdest character is clealy given to Bertha.
Who is Bertha ? Bertha is the big red fish who wants to swallow Mario in Super Mario Bros 3.
And who here transforms into a fourty years old sexually obsessed woman who wants to ... swallow Mario.
"Dance with me and if you wish I'll hit you all night long - Oh Yeah!"
"Come on Mario. You got it."
Well beyond that, the movie is a big speed chase between Mario and Luigi willing to rescue the princess.
And Bowser willing to obtain a stone he could use to merge his world with ours
And by doing so, destroying the human race.
You are probably wondering how it works. I don't have a clue and I think so do the movie's characters.
"I have the stone, I have the power, the world is mine, I have the stone !"
All you need to remember is you must have the princess and the stone and both of ther simultaneously, because ...
" I understand now, I am the only mistress of the force".
Yes I forgot to tell you the movie was filled with lines bursting with foolishness such as:
"Lil'monkey"
Or "Wagunba !"
And of course the classic one: "Trust the mycosis."
So, Luigi manages to find Princess Daisy while Mario saves a bucnh of chicks made prisoners by Bowser.
In the game entering in a pipe allows you to access a underground level or a bonus zone.
Here is how it works: Mario enters in the pipe.
Black screen. He goes out by the other side of the pipe.
Have you already wondered what happens during this black screen ?
Me neither. But the movie still answers the question.
Okay I have no idea what they're trying to accomplish with this movie.
They apparently wanted to do something with no relation to the game's atmosphere, seeing the universe's background and the general tone.
But at the same time the film is filled with references to the game With the pipes, jumps, blocks,trampolines.
It gives the impression they tried to put inside the movie anything that would seem improbable in cinema.
Anyway, after a lot of stuff both worlds are merged Bowser comes in our dimension, transforms a man into a monkey.
Surprisingly, all the extras are amused by it.
But he didn't expect Mario and Luigi who use a magic corkscrew to send Bowser back to his world.
And turning him into a big dinosaur. And yes the movie did indeed came out two weeks before Jurassic Park.
Two weeks. TWO weeks. "Two weeks, TWO weeks, TWO WEEKS !"
After that, Bowser is defeated. Mario and Luigi come back to Brooklyn living their plombers' lives
And the movie ends on the most forced cliffhanger of cinema's history.
"Luigi, Mario - Daisy - I need you to come with me."
"Why ? What's happening ? - You'd never believe it if I told you. - I believe it."
"Do you ? - Everything is possible"
Super Mario Bros the movie is a failure. And frankly I don't know how it could have been much better actually.
Do you know wich joke I hate the most in the world, this one:
"Hey guys, I don't know if you've noticed but Mario is completely dumb, this is an italian plomber jumping on mushrooms and turtles. Hahaha lol."
I hate this joke, I hate this joke with every part of my body. I hate it so much, each time I hear it I want to hit the one who said it with a wrench
And do you know why I hate it, because it is abslolutely wrong. Mario's universe has some sense.
But its design is understandble only through gameplay.
Why are goombas mushrooms ? Because a mushroom has a bumper shape making it logical and obvious to jump on it.
Once we understood we can jump on the ennemies, we jump naturally on the turtles who are the next ennemis of the game.
Once we did that, we notice they leave their shells we can use as projectiles.
Why is he a plomber ? He is a plomber because he enters inside pipes,
And he enters inside pipes because the pipe's design makes our player's instinct press the down button to enter it.
All visual and aesthetic choices in Super Mario Bros are actually desguised gameplay choices.
This is why the univese seem coherent to gamers but not at all to those who are not real players.
This is for a game's reason Mario gets free from all coherence rules necessary to make a good movie.
The movie is terrible not because he doesn't stay close to the game but because he keeps referencing it
with heavy winks to flatter the nerd ego of a few part of the audience
But by doing so, not only the movie becomes completely daft but also highliths the game's absurdity and then weakens its evocative power.
The movie amply deserves its reputation of infect dung. And the very idea of adapting Super Mario Bros goes against the game's essence.
Mario is and forever will be a pure object of video game. So Forget this movie and play Mario.
And be proud, revendicate your gamer's status. Fight the big business. Behead your kings.
And most of all, allways think to verify there is still toilet paper before using the restroom.
Whether it's number one or number two Because the drop is the ennemy number one of clean underwears.