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- HERE SHE IS NOW-- ELLEN DEGENERES!
[cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
HAVE A SEAT. BACK ATCHA. THANKS SO MUCH.
- I LOVE YOU, ELLEN! - SO--THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I CARE FOR YOU.
SO...
[cheering]
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
DURING REHEARSAL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN--
I SAW THAT FURNITURE DOLLY BACK THERE, AND JUST--
JUST FOR FUN I ROLLED OUT, AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT REALLY WELL,
SO I SAID, "WHAT I NEED IS GLOVES,"
SO SOMEONE GOT ME SOME GLOVES THAT I GUESS...
WIDE RECEIVERS USE?
ANYWAY, PEOPLE THAT CATCH BALLS.
AND SO IT HAD SOME GRIP ON 'EM,
SO THAT WAS QUITE SOMETHING TO ME,
BECAUSE I DIDN'T EXPECT THE GRIP THAT I HAD,
AND I WENT FASTER THAN I IMAGINED.
FASTER THAN REHEARSAL,
AND, UH...
I WON'T BE DOING IT AGAIN.
SO MY CHIROPRACTOR'S GONNA BE SO MAD AT ME.
I WENT TO GO SEE HIM THE OTHER DAY
'CAUSE I DID SOMETHING TO MY NECK--I DON'T KNOW WHAT.
BUT THAT'S THE BAD NEWS.
THE GOOD NEWS IS I WON THE APPLE BOBBING CONTEST.
SO HE TOLD ME--HERE'S WHAT MY CHIROPRACTOR SAID TO ME--
DENNIS IS HIS NAME--
HE SAID MY HEAD IS NOT SITTING ON MY NECK CORRECTLY.
WELL, I SAID,
"YOU'RE HEAD'S NOT SITTING ON YOUR NECK CORRECTLY."
TOLD HIM.
APPARENTLY BECAUSE I TALK SO MUCH,
SEE, I'M GONNA SEE IF I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW.
I'M GONNA--IS MY HEAD STICKING OUT LIKE THAT?
IS IT? THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS.
HE GOES, HE SAID, "BECAUSE YOU TALK FOR A LIVING,
YOUR HEAD IS LIKE THAT."
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, EVERYONE TALKS,
AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN THAT--"
SO HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE MY HEAD IS--
'CAUSE HE--THAT'S WHAT HE DID-- HE GOES,
"YOUR HEAD, BECAUSE YOU TALK FOR A LIVING, IS OUT LIKE THAT."
IT'S LIKE, HE SAID, "IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE UP LIKE THIS."
HE SAID, "IMAGINE YOUR HEAD SHOULD BE KIND OF ALIGNED"--
IMAGINE TALKING TO MY GUESTS LIKE THIS.
MERYL, YOU WERE GOOD IN YOUR MOVIE.
[laughter]
SO DENNIS SAID THE PROPER WAY TO STAND IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED--
HE SAID YOUR *** SHOULD BE FURTHER OUT THAN YOUR HEAD.
[laughter]
NOW I HAVE TO GET A BREAST JOB.
THAT'S EXPENSIVE, Y'ALL.
I CAN SEE ALL OF YOU WORRIED ABOUT YOUR NECKS RIGHT NOW.
IT MAKES YOU SO SELF-CONSCIOUS WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO--
YOUR *** ARE SUPPOSED TO BE OUT LIKE THAT,
AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO-- YOUR HEAD IS LIKE THIS.
EVERYBODY'S TRYING.
[laughter]
GOOD JOB, SIR. I THINK YOU LOOK GOOD.
ANYTIME YOU GO TO A CHIROPRACTOR,
THEY MAKE YOU FEEL SO BAD ABOUT YOURSELF.
AND LAST YEAR-- I THINK I TALKED ABOUT THIS--
HE TOLD ME I WAS SITTING WRONG. NOW I'M STANDING WRONG.
IF I WANT SOMEONE TO POINT OUT MY FLAWS,
I'M GONNA GO TO FAMILY DINNERS.
I DON'T NEED HIM.
SO HE TOLD ME MY SHOULDERS ALSO--
I'M TRYING TO WORK ON THAT.
MY SHOULDERS ARE HUNCHED OVER LIKE THIS.
AND ACCORDING TO MY CHIROPRACTOR,
THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
IF I'M--IF I LISTEN TO HIM, I LOOK LIKE THAT.
IT'S THE KIND OF CONFIDENCE BOOSTER YOU WANT
RIGHT BEFORE YOU HOST THE OSCARS.
YOU WANT TO KNOW--
HI, EVERYBODY.
[cheers and applause]
I SHALL STAND IN THIS ERECT POSTURE RIGHT NOW,
AND IT FEELS SO NATURAL,
AND I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN STAND THIS WAY
AND DANCE FREELY.