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JESS: Guess what! I got balloons.
From a guy in a van.
I love this neighborhood.
I just love it.
Oh, what does that...? "Me so ***." Very good.
"No credit, no problem!" And "Happy 100th, Jane!"
I don't think she made it, but she lived a good life.
NICK (shouts): Shut up!
(phone ringing)
Stop! Shut up!
It's my mom.
Get off of me!
(high-pitched): Nick's just mad
'cause that punk-*** balloon beat his ***.
Hey, no huffing. Come on, guys.
(high-pitched): Take these seriously, Winston.
I didn't buy the balloons to have you guys...
(high-pitched): If you do that one more time, I'm gonna break your faces in.
(high-pitched laughter)
Uh, my dad died.
Yeah, I guess he had a heart attack.
I got to go back to, uh, Chicago
and, uh, go to the funeral and everything.
(sighs)
Well, are you guys gonna say anything or...
(high-pitched): That's terrible, Nick.
(high-pitched): Wow, we're so sorry.
SCHMIDT: If there's anything we can do, please.
Just...
Nick.
We love you.
Love you, Nick.
Stay strong.
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪
JESS: So this is where Nick Miller grew up.
Well, except for the fall of '88 to spring of '89.
That was our van year.
JESS: I just want you to know
Okay.
I'm gonna be strong for you, man.
You know, I really did love Walt.
He was my dad, Winston.
Yeah, but, I mean, he loved me more than he loved you.
Yeah, he told me that, too, actually.
(sighs)
I didn't want
to make this about me, but...
the airline lost my bag.
I wanted to look fantastic
for your father's funeral.
Now I have nothing but the schmatta on my back.
NICK: All right. Let's do this.
WINSTON: Uh, Jess, we should warn you.
Nick's family-- a little crazy.
MAN 2: Just call it soda.
It's not! It's not!
Hey, man.
It's called pop!
It's called soda. It's called soda.
Why would you call it soda if it's pop?
Hey.
Hey. Nickels.
My brother Nick's back, guys.
Hey, thanks for making it out.
Sorry about that. Your brother's being a ***.
I'm not being a ***! I'm emotional!
You've been a *** all day.
I know. I know.
You been... you been crying a bunch, buddy?
He'll get your shoulder all wet, too.
Hey, look, don't do the hair-pull. It's so intimate.
I'm not okay!
Jamie, here's what I need you to do: grab a bunch of kids
and teach them how to build a snowman outside.
I can't do that! I already did it already!
Why'd you put the carrot in the crotch?
NICK: They're kids.
JAMIE: Those kids are cool! I wanted to hang out!
Don't trust cops.
Nicky!
Oh.
Oh. I miss him, Nicky.
That *** was a saint.
A saint.
The ***.
I know. Come here. Hey.
This is getting very personal. May...
Maybe none of us should go to the funeral.
The early buzz on this thing is that it's gonna be a real drag.
We need to, uh, get the groceries,
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you say "plan the funeral"?
That's why you're here, Nicky.
You take care of everything.
Oh, that's so hot.
Is Nick taking care of people?
Yeah, with Pop-Pop coming and going, Nick had to step up
and be the man of the family.
Pretty much takes care of all of them.
Don't laugh when they call him responsible.
They don't know why that's hilarious.
Um... Oh... Hi, Mrs. Miller.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Who are you?
NICK: This is Jess, my new roommate.
I've told you about her.
Winnie and Fat Schmidt I know. Hey, boys.
JESS: I just wanted to say that
I'm here and happy
Is she a Spanish?
Um... I'm from Portland, Oregon.
Land of books.
(chuckles) Trailblazers.
Hmm.
Are you guys, uh...
Your father always wanted
to have a funeral just like Elvis had,
so that's what we're gonna give him.
That means...
12 white limos and an Elvis impersonator...
NICK: Dad's gonna get the funeral
you want him to have, okay?
So tell me what needs to get done,
and I'll just do it.
Oh, the eulogy.
You...
Oh...
I don't think I should do it.
You just say a bunch of nice stuff all in a row.
Nick, you have to.
JAMIE: Come on, Nicky.
Do a good poem. Do one of your good ones.
BOBBY: Come on, man. You got to.
Yeah, okay. Sure. I'll, uh...
That's my boy.
He takes care of everything.
Hey, Jess.
It's like a whole secret life for you.
You're not even looking at the numbers.
Aunt Ruthie used to call this the Iron Jew.
(chuckles)
Are you having time to process this?
Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out
the level of Elvis impersonator we can afford.
Uh-huh.
And I think a white one's out of reach.
Is there anything I could do to help?
Sorry?
Oh, that would be really helpful 'cause that's
been getting in my way a little bit.
I didn't really know your dad except...
the one hour that I committed fraud with him.
That's all there is to know, really.
I think that's, you know, one task
I think maybe is better if you...
Look, I've got to figure out an Elvis theme.
You know, Elvis-themed flowers and food and music all in a day.
I just... You asked if there was anything
you could do, and there is.
Okay.
I'll do it.
Oh, you are the best.
Yeah.
For Elvis-themed music, what about Elvis?
I'm really... I'm so slammed right now.
I can't hear, like, new stuff.
Looking good, man. This was Walt's best suit.
Look at all these buttons, Winston.
I look like a remote control.
I can't mourn in this.
Hey, look,
we're not mourning, okay?
This is a celebration, you know?
That's what funerals are about...
Winston, I just can't go to the funeral, okay?
What the hell is the problem?
Look, I really want to support Nick. I do.
I want to support his family.
I want to be there for him, but...
I'm scared of death.
Uh... wow. Uh...
Schmidt, you know, death is natural, you know?
It's a natural part of life. Everybody's scared of death.
Death, Winston.
(whispering): Death. Death.
And let me ask you something, Winston:
What's with this open casket thing?
All of a sudden, I-I got to walk in
and I got to see the carcass?
That's crazy.
What if... what if his eyes open?
What if his eyes open, and then he comes
and haunts all of us? Why do... Why...
Literally, why are the buttons on here?
Because they're not holding anything together,
yet I don't know which buttons are buttoned.
How do you get this thing off, Winston?!
I don't understand this middle-class button system!
Get it off of me!
(panting)
So I don't think I'm gonna go to the funeral, man.
I think I'm gonna hang back.
So, um, I'm helping Nick with the eulogy.
I'll give you the goods on Walt, Glasses Face.
My pop had a table at every diner in the city.
He had silverware from the finest hotels in the area.
He had a gold chain as thick as floss.
But, like, thick floss.
Wait, Walt's got that chain?
Yeah, he got that chain. That's his chain.
That was my dad's chain.
No, it was Walt's signature piece.
No, he got that from the Seiko watch deal.
No, he got it from the dishwasher arrangement.
JAMIE: Yes, he did.
My dad took a dart in the eye for that.
I don't care what your dad took a dart
Guys. Guys, guys, guys.
JAMIE: I can't!
Hey!
JAMIE: Yeah, so what's the deal
with you and Nick? Are you guys, uh...
Could you...
could you stop doing that with your eyebrows?
Please stop doing... Stop.
Yeah.
Whoever denied it supplied it.
Now, this would be the casket.
(sighs) And now I'm dead.
Just promise
not to move, all right?
Are you k... are you kidding me?
Schmidt, I need to breathe, okay?
Because I'm coaching you, and also for regular life reasons.
Now, just calm down,
find a joyful memory and let it lift you to the sky.
(exhales)
(sighs)
You left us too soon,
Start over.
You know, when we first met,
I thought that we would be rivals.
For Nick's attention, for who wore Easter colors best.
And then rivalry became friendship.
(chuckles)
We've laughed, we've swum.
You cut my toenails.
Are you the brother that I never had?
No.
That was beautiful.
Whoa! What the hell?
Of course I moved! I'm not a real dead person!
Why do I do this for you?
Forget it, man. I'm never going to this thing.
What's wrong with you?
$2,000?
What if it wasn't six feet under?
I've gone through
half a pack of ciggie gum here.
Where are we on the food?
We-we got to have Elvis food.
It's got to be perfect.
If the food isn't Elvis-themed,
You got a problem with Elvis?
No, she didn't say that. I'm gonna have to call you back.
I was just suggesting
that maybe the Elvis theme doesn't matter as much...
You don't think Elvis is important?
Elvis is everything!
I know. He's the King. He's the King.
I'm sorry, Bonnie. He's the King.
Nick...
Wait, what?
NICK: I asked you to do one thing.
But I didn't know Walt.
Nobody wants to hear what I have to say about my dad.
It doesn't matter what you say. You just... you h...
you have to say good-bye to him.
I'm not asking you to do too much.
Just write my father's eulogy.
I can't handle this!
BOBBY: My dad's chain!
JAMIE: Hey, Nick! Nick!
He popped me right in my cherry!
That's not what that means, Jamie!
JESS: Nick!
(door shuts)
I forgot my jacket. It's really cold outside!
JESS: Nick, wait!
JAMIE: Ow!
(organ playing)
Hey.
When's the last time you saw Nick?
What are you guys talking about?
Schmidt, if you want to hear what we're saying,
Don't shout across the room.
It's bad luck to see the body before the funeral.
No, that's, like, a wedding thing, Schmidt.
Shh.
I think I said something to Nick.
I think this is my fault.
Hey, everybody! I brought Elvis!
What?
What happened?
What happened is I found this guy at the bar
and he fits into the costume,
so for 20 bucks, he's gonna be Elvis.
I thought you wanted me to kill Elvis for 20 bucks.
Then why would I give you the outfit, Brendan?
The element of surprise?
The mirror effect?
Mmm.
Whose birthday is it?
No, it's my dad's funeral.
I'm gonna go find cake.
How much have you had to drink?
One dozen beers. And I wrote...
I did what you asked me to do, Jessica.
The what?
A "gigleography"?
Urology.
Eulogish.
You wrote the eulogy.
That's what I've been saying
the whole time-- it's right here.
"Walt Miller. Am I right?"
Am I right? Am I right?
Googaliogy!
All right, here's what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna sober up Nick and... and Elvis.
You, go buy us some time.
All right, Schmidt, stop asking people
I'll try.
Okay, but I just...
It's what I... it's what I'm thinking.
I got this. Shh. I got this.
Hi...
Uh... the chain.
Some... someone should stop...
'Cause he's taking the chain.
Hey, hey, quit it, man.
Hey, beat it, Cali.
Long Island, son.
Get off of it, man.
You touching me? You touching me?
You don't touch me.
You don't touch me!
Do you want to go?
(stammers)
Come on, do it. Come on, come on.
Get away from Walt's chain, man!
I'm just saying...
I... n-no! N-n-n-n-no!
Please, no, no, no, no! No!
Shut up.
Shut up.
There's no desecration.
Don't interrupt me.
That's my dad's chain, and I'm taking it.
What's wrong with you?
(whispering): Bobby, shut up.
Dude, he's dead.
What are you doing?
Ooh!
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid.
I can do this.
I can do this all day.
All day, son.
Come on, don't-don't put your head in there.
All day.
SCHMIDT: Come get your chain, Boston!
What? All day!
All day! All day!
I don't need it.
What's up!
I know you told me to write it, but I couldn't.
I didn't have anything to say.
You're mad at me.
You've got the mad face.
I'm not mad at you, Nick.
I'm not mad at you.
I have your back.
No matter what, no matter how stupid it gets, and...
you and I both know
it can get really, really stupid.
No.
I'm gonna be there, and I'm gonna hold your hand,
and I wanted to tell you that last night,
but you ran away.
Yeah.
(loud grunt)
(grumbles, sighs)
I want to meet your mom.
JESS: Oh, my God.
Hey, Elvis!
What are we going to do, Winnie?
Mrs. Miller, how about I just
go up there and I say a few words?
Right.
Don't mention the felony thing.
Or Paraguay,
or the storage space.
Hey, y'all.
Ah...
Now, some of y'all know me.
I am Winston.
And I look at today as a celebration.
MAN: That's right.
You know, because a party
is what Walt would have...
(clearing throat)
(choking up): A party is...
a party, uh...
(sobs)
WOMAN: Oh, dear.
(Winston grunts)
(groans)
(quietly): I can do this.
I can do this, I can do this.
(wails)
(wailing sobs)
Oh, Walt!
I can't do this no more, Walt!
(Winston wails)
(wailing continues in distance)
Hey. You done with this?
Hey! What's going on?
(groans)
No...
This funeral's going down the toilet.
I promised Walter it'd be
beautiful and full of life.
I promised.
I'm sending everyone home.
Wait. Bonnie.
Are you tapping me on the shoulder, girlie?
Let me make this totally clear.
I don't want you here.
I don't know you.
I don't know your people.
You tap me twice?
I... please wait for Nick.
It's important.
Then why is he not here?
No eulogy? No Elvis?
I'd rather not have a funeral
if it's not gonna honor my husband.
(Brendan groaning)
(mumbles): And I'm out.
(clears throat) I want to thank you for coming,
but it's, uh, over now, so...
(crowd murmuring)
JESS (imitating Elvis): Stop the funeral!
Everybody sit down.
This is the King.
What the hell?
I think you mean...
"What the heaven?"
Mama.
It's Elvis.
♪ As the snow flies ♪
♪ On a cold and gray Chicago ♪
What is this?
♪ A poor little baby child ♪
♪ Was born ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ And his mama cried ♪
♪ Cause if there's one thing that she don't need ♪
♪ It's another hungry mouth to feed ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
You know, this is every day in North Korea.
♪ Down in Chi-town ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto. ♪
I'm gonna hit her.
Mom, please.
Dad would've liked this.
He would've faked
a slip and fall and sued the funeral home.
But he would've liked this.
(Nick chuckles)
Thank you, Jess.
You're welcome, Mama.
(sighs)
(exhales)
I used to always tell my dad
that I hated Elvis just to *** him off.
And he would get really mad
the way Walt could get really mad.
And, uh, he would turn it up loud
just to spite me and sing all the Elvis songs.
He was very good at gambling.
(chuckles)
He had a great mustache.
(sobs)
What?
And he was so mean to cabbies in such a cool way.
And he never was scared.
(sniffles)
How did he do that?
(sighs)
I don't know if Walt was...
a good guy or a bad guy
in the whole scheme of things, you know.
But he was my dad, and I'm sure gonna miss him.
♪ ♪
You okay, Mama?
Yeah, I'm gonna be okay, Mama.
♪ 'Cause if there's one thing ♪
♪ That she don't need ♪
♪ It's another hungry mouth to feed ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
(chuckles)
♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
OTHERS: ♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪
OTHERS: ♪ In the ghetto ♪
♪ In the ghetto ♪ (whoops)
OTHERS: ♪ In the ghetto ♪
I really feel transported to the ghetto.
♪ In the ghetto, in the ghetto... ♪
You owe me a gold chain, or at least the price of a gold chain.
Or maybe just a giant lobster. It's all about the gesture,
and I will get my gesture.
My face touched the mustache
of a carcass today, Bobby.
I'm not afraid of you.
I got some advice for you: Stay out of Boston.
I work TSA at Logan.
I'll put a gun in your luggage.
Why do you got to bring weapons into it, Bobby?
Hey, wh-where do you think you're going with that hat?
Bonnie, I just really wanted something to remember him by.
Uh-huh. Empty your pockets.
Okay, look, all I got
is this fishing wire
and a Wrigley ticket stub with a button,
and then there's the...
there's the leg to his favorite chair,
and there's the...
Come.
You keep it all.
Hey, Bonnie.
Mm-hmm.
I almost tapped you.
(laughs)
Pretty fun weekend all in, though, right?
I packed you a snack for the trip.
Oh.
Cheese puffs.
Mm-hmm.
Oh...
Ooh.
Yeah?
How far away you are from getting married?
I don't know.
'Cause, uh, you know,
DeAnn and I were thinking about getting married, so...
Jamie, you know, brothers don't have
to get married in order.
DeAnn, we're doing this!
Hey, I couldn't find the, uh, cat.
I looked all over, but I just decided
to clean out the litter box.
I... owe you an apology.
What are you talking about?
We all depended on you so much,
and you were just a kid.
I'm just saying.
You're going through enough.
I'm glad you have someone who takes care of you.
I love you, Ma.
Visit more.
So I don't have to talk to your brother all the time.
She said yes!
(groans)
(Nick screaming)
♪ Ooh, hoo, hoo ♪
♪ I feel my temperature rising ♪
♪ Burning, burning ♪
♪ Must be 109 ♪
♪ Cause your ♪
♪ Kisses light my fire ♪
♪ And the sweet sound of the choir ♪
♪ And you light my morning sky ♪
♪ Of burning love ♪
♪ Ooh, I'm just a hunk, a hunk of burning love ♪
♪ Ooh, I'm just a hunk, a hunk ♪
♪ Of burning love, ooh. ♪ Pallbearers, please come down.