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I hadn't smoked for a while.
Not smoked from noon.
We were twisting, rolling around.
Someone moaned, don't know if it was him or me.
I was like a yoyo, like a... I dunno.
Felt like I was going to turn inside out.
Just as we were gonna come, we stopped,
held each other tightly together.
We burst out laughing and flipped over.
There's nothing we didn't do.
Then suddenly...
I don't know what happened.
We must have given the table a shove. I don't know.
Some things fell to the floor.
I think we broke a glass or a plate...
...no, a glass.
The plates stayed on the table.
A knife fell in front of me,
a few inches from his head.
We started again. We were gonna come for sure.
Felt it in every part of my body. Thought I was about to explode.
I knew it was the same for him.
At that same time, some images flashed before my eyes.
As real as his skin... our screams,
his hands and the sound of falling glass. Pow!
All at the same time. The same place.
They say you see your life flash before you when you die,
but it was like I was being born.
I saw what was before me. Like I was alive in an earthquake.
He was so beautiful, large so... everything.
We were naked. It felt beautiful. He was like fur and like rock.
He made me as beautiful as him.
He transfigured me. It was like nothing else.
And one second later... didn't know if it...
was in my head or ***. And the next second...
that same moment when the knife fell, that very instant, I heard it.
We came. Together. Not me, not him. Both of us.
I saw the two of us. Me going back to my Johns, or deciding not to
and him fighting with his friends.
How long would we have been able to hold on?
How long?
You called me an *** before.
Think I feel insulted?
Think I don't know why you said it?
Think I don't know how you wanted me to feel?
You think it's the first time I've been called that?
Know what it's like to *** a guy who's
tall and fat with greasy hair, pimples and a drunkard's nose?
Knowing he was handsome once and it's not just age that's made him this way.
The marriage, the kids, the job
You're scared he's gonna have a heart attack
as he jumps on you like a tiger.
It puffs, it pushes, it roars and sweats.
His eyes as big as a kid a Christmas. He can't believe it. He wants more!
But he comes after two minutes.
Later the fear sets in.
Fear of getting caught. His job, wife, kids and the pension.
Fearing the world'll find out he's a ***.
He tries to collect himself while I ***.
Doesn't know where to hide. Can't even get his pants on.
He sees his real life heading straight back at him.
Thinks it's a moment of weakness, that's all.
Sees his work, his wife, his kids, the two houses and the big car.
He nearly promised them to me before.
But that was then...
he feels like after an epileptic fit.
He came. It's over. He won't do it again.
Then he gets angry.
Tosses your clothes at the door and throws you the money.
Comes over to the bathroom and he can't stop himself and screams,
'Get out! Get out you dirty ***!'
'You hear me, get out!'
And...
if you're fool enough to tell anyone, a pal...
what you thought while you were on the can.
That maybe this time he'll be nice to you because you know
and you know that he knows it,
that if he does throw a fit...
you'll never give him a kiss and go for a walk with him again.
Give him the one thing in life that he can't have.
If you're stupid enough to tell anyone
they'll call you naive.
Naive.
How can you spend 10 minutes making love with someone just once
and not know what's killing them?
How can you do 5 guys a day and not want to get involved?
How?
How?!
It's my job to get involved.
The only way I can, with my ***.
If all I've got is my ***, then ***. That's how I'll get involved.
And him... in his eyes...
Claude's...
I saw what tore him apart.
What we suddenly understood.
That's why we kept stopping before coming.
15 times.
Each time it went up a notch and kept going.
And when the glass hit the floor...
in that second I knew I had to do something.
That we couldn't leave the house like before.
We musn't try to keep going. Musn't.
What's real is him shouting,
crying for joy in my arms.
I felt like I was drowning, then finally, I could breathe.
I was drowning in him, with him.
But the rest of the world...
the opposite of what was happening to us was ***.
I know in the real world you have to take everything, not just the beauty.
There is *** too.
Cost me a lot to learn that.
But I wasn't thinking of anything else, I was there. Just there.
We couldn't hide away to live this great love...
and we couldn't have this again to deal with in the real world.
Suddenly, I notice that I had a knife in my hand.
Don't know how, but...
I could feel myself going off.
Both sides ready to explode.
I heard us scream and then
suddenly we were drowning.
I heard the scream again and saw his throat.
I heard bubbles like in a milkshake,
and then just as I was drowning and exploding,
I saw we'd never leave this place again.
The knife gone and I screamed.
He was coming and his blood splattered the walls,
the fridge, the stove, the tables and I kissed him all over,
kissed the wound on his throat and tasted his blood.
It was all over me!
He was shuddering, arching and trembling just like me.
I looked at him.
He was beautiful.
He wasn't holding his throat.
I was worried it had hurt, but I'm sure it didn't.
No, he was smiling.
His arms were spread out.
He couldn't hold his throat, he was holding onto me.
I just hope...
he didn't see the images I did.
I just hope that he was being born