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HERO LASS That was amazing.
HERO LASS No, seriously. I never thought to mix mint and cinnamon like that.
BUG BOY You mean Aquafresh and Tums?
HERO LASS, BUG BOY {Laugh}
HERO LASS You're really smart {Giggles}.
BUG BOY You're really pretty...
for the sister of a degenerate electrical outlet-*** sex criminal!
HERO LASS Wow. Wow. Really?
BUG BOY No... I...
God! Blew it!
{MUSIC - THEME SONG}
Shelf Life!
Shelf Life!
The world needs a team of braver smarter faster heroes.
HERO LASS Do you know why they call you a knock-off?
KNOCK-OFF HERO LASS {Screams}
BUG BOY Hero Laaaaaaaaasss!
BUG BOY God, blew it again! Should've saved her!
BLACK VELVET It's alright, BB. We'll find her.
Crazy *** she may be... but she's our crazy ***.
THE REAPER How are you, my queen? Comfy?
Can I... get you anything?
HERO LASS How about out of this *** toyhole?
THE REAPER It can be quite nice down here. Except for the loneliness.
But when I saw you in that commercial,
I knew I had to have you.
So whole... so perfect.
HERO LASS Are you sure you're not talking about Young Hero Lass?
THE REAPER Ha! Worthless adolescent prop!
You are the one true... Hero Lass.
And when I saw you on that shelf
I knew we were destined to spend eternity together...
Down here.
HERO LASS You're a freak.
THE REAPER And like your shelf was so great.
Being constantly molested by some perverted 10-year old.
HERO LASS He's 11 and his name is Jason.
And while he may be... troubled, he's still family.
THE REAPER {Laughs} Family!
And that lizard, that meatbag, the bug...
HERO LASS Them too. They will come for me!
BLACK VELVET Time to accessorize.
Accessory pack...
HERO MAN Afro Sheen! Not again!
BUG BOY Let's go get Hero Lass!
THE REAPER Is that what you really want? To be a damsel in distress?
A token girl, a sex symbol?
A mother of retarded children?
HERO LASS God, you are such a pig!
BUG BOY And you're a stale Superman knock-off
HERO MAN Oh, yeah!
BUG BOY Oh Snake, you're hot!
HERO MAN Show us your ***!
BUG BOY You're just one of the guys, you know?
HERO LASS No. No, I am not just one of the guys, godammit!
I mean, look at me. Look at me! I am all woman.
And I think maybe it's time you started treating me as such.
THE REAPER Here you could be a queen. Here you could rule...
and be famous... be beloved.
Here you can have whatever you want.
BLACK VELVET Seriously, this place gives me the heebie-jeebies.
And I live under a *** bed.
BUG BOY We have to find her.
SAMURAI SNAKE Yeah!
BLACK VELVET We will.
BARBIE Or maybe you won't.
BLACK VELVET You know these goofy ***?
BUG BOY Oh yeah.
TEDDY Here's where you learn your actions have REPERCUSSIONS!
HERO MAN They did - but I got a shot for that!
BUG BOY Here's where you learn our actions give CONCUSSIONS!
EVIL GANG Ooooooh!
{MUSIC}
{KNUCLES CRACKING}
BLACK VELVET ERRRM... ERRRM... WHUP. WHUP, AAAGH!!
COWBOY ***-***?
BLACK VELVET Oh no, ***!
NRRRG- BAAA! ARRG! AARG!
AIEEEEE!
{MUSIC}
SAMURAI SNAKE {HISSING}
{MUSIC}
HERO MAN WOAAAAGH!
How cute! OW!
HERO MAN I'm sorry! I'm sorry... don't, please!
{MUSIC}
BIG BOY What've you done with her?
FAKE HERO LASS What do you mean, BB? Can't you see? It's me, Hero Lass.
BUG BOY No...
No...
Lass?
FAKE HERO LASS That's right. Everything's going to be fine {Laughs}.
Just come here and give me a big fat kiss.
It's what you've always wanted, isn't it?
And after this we'll go have ourselves a nice big bowl of vanilla ice cream.
BUG BOY My Hero Lass is a mint sherbet girl.
{MUSIC}
HERO MAN AIEE... AIEE!
TEDDY {Squeals}
HERO MAN I'm sorry, guys. I guess I wasn't much of a hero...
or a man.
BUG BOY Come on. Let's go save Hero Lass.
HERO MAN {Sobs}
THE REAPER Well, my beautiful darling queen?
BUG BOY (O.S.) Lass!
No!
HERO LASS Reaper?
THE REAPER Yes, my queen?
HERO LASS My dream has always been to be...
A waitress.
THE REAPER What?!
HERO LASS And I would rather serve on a shelf
than rule in hell!
HERO LASS HAA!
BLACK VELVET A waitress?
HERO LASS What? No witty retort?
HERO LASS Hey, where's my meathead half-brother?
BLACK VELVET Well, at least we know the Reaper didn't get him.
EVERYBODY {Laughs}
BLACK VELVET He's gone!
HERO LASS {Gasps}
BUG BPY Well, don't worry about HM.
You know him. He's probably hiding somewhere...
***!
{MUSIC}
Shelf Life!
Shelf life!
Shelf Life!
Shelf!
The world needs a team of braver smarter faster heroes
{MUSIC}