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TIFFANY'S VACUUMING?
JACKIE'S DUSTING?
MY SISTER ROWENA WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.
YOU MAY HAVE A SHINY HEAD AND EARRINGS,
BUT YOU'RE NO MR. CLEAN.
OH, HEY, LOOK, AUNTIE RO'S BOOK ON FRANCE.
OH, RO TOOK ALL THE PHOTOGRAPHS IN IT.
I REMEMBER WHEN SHE GOT HER FIRST CAMERA.
ON HER 12th BIRTHDAY.
ON MY 12th BIRTHDAY, I GOT MY FIRST TRAINING BRA.
FOUR YEARS LATER, I GOT TO WEAR IT.
I REMEMBER MY FIRST TRAINING BRA.
I WAS 12 YEARS OLD. SHE WAS 13.
I THINK IT'S AUNTIE RO!
THAT'S YOUR SISTER?
IF SHE RUNS OVER MY FLOWER BED, I'LL KILL HER!
AUNTIE RO!
OH! OH!
JACKIE! JACKIE!
SORRY ABOUT THAT FLOWER BED.
AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T UNCOVER AUSTIN'S DEAD HAMSTER.
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE,
BUT I HOPE WE'RE NOT RELATED.
ONCE UPON A TIME...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
¶ IN THE HOUSE
¶ IN THE HOUSE
¶ IN THE HOUSE
¶ IN THE HOUSE
¶ IN THE HOUSE
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANY, NBC PRODUCTIONS,
AND 1995 NCI CAPTION CLUB/ GRANTSMANSHIP
¶ IN THE HOUSE
¶ IN THE HOUSE
HAND ME THAT BAG. IT'S TIME TO PASS OUT THE TRINKETS.
FOR YOU.
OH, WHAT A LOVELY SCARF.
IT'S A DRESS, COOKIE.
FOR WHO-- MALIBU BARBIE?
GO TRY IT ON, DEAR.
SHOW YOUR MOTHER HOW NICE IT IS.
BE RIGHT BACK.
THAT WAS VERY SWEET, RO.
I'M SURE HEIDI FLEISS HAD AN AUNT JUST LIKE YOU.
AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE NEPHEW,
THE LATEST VIDEO GAME FROM JAPAN...
CRIMEFIGHTING COCKROACHES.
AWESOME!
OH!
THIS IS SWEET!
YOU'RE THE COOLEST, AUNTIE RO.
SHE'S NOT YOUR AUNT.
I'LL HOOK IT UP FOR YOU... IN MY ROOM.
I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST, COOKIE.
I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME TO COZUMEL.
MEXICO? MM-HMM.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR VISIT? I MADE PLANS.
THE NEW LIBRARY, THE MUSEUM OF MINIATURES.
THE HARD ROCK CAFE
HAS ONE OF TINA TURNER'S WIGS NOW.
WELL, THAT DOES SOUND LIKE FUN.
BUT, LAST MINUTE, THE MAGAZINE ASKED ME
TO DO THIS PHOTO SHOOT.
I COULDN'T REFUSE. YOU UNDERSTAND.
OF COURSE. WORK IS WORK.
I COULD TAPE MATLOCK,
BUT I CAN'T LEAVE THE CHILDREN.
DON'T WORRY. I TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING.
I CALLED THAT SORRY MESS YOU WERE ONCE MARRIED TO,
TOLD HIM TO WATCH THE KIDS.
WHAT DID SASCHA SAY?
HIS WIFE? NOTHING. SHE WAS NAPPING IN HER CRIB.
SO DO I HAVE A ROOMIE?
WELL, I GUESS. OH, SURE, WHY NOT?
JACKIE?
YOU NEED TO TEACH AUSTIN SOME MANNERS.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
THE PROBLEM IS HE SHOULDN'T BEAT ME TWICE
AND THEN SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT MY MOTHER.
SORRY. I'M TRYING TO TEACH HIM TO BE MORE AGGRESSIVE.
I'LL HAVE A DIFFERENT TALK WITH HIM.
GOOD. EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING TO MEDITATE,
CLEANSE MY MIND OF ALL THIS NEGATIVE ENERGY.
YOU MEDITATE, TOO?
I THOUGHT I DETECTED AN AURA ABOUT YOU.
THAT WAS THE LIGHT BOUNCING OFF HIS HEAD.
MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
AFTER A LONG TRIP, THAT'S THE FIRST THING I LIKE TO DO.
REALLY? THE FIRST THING I LIKE TO DO
IS TAKE OFF MY PANTYHOSE
AND RUB WHERE THE ELASTIC CUTS INTO MY WAIST.
LET'S HURRY UP AND MEDITATE
BEFORE THAT IMAGE SINKS IN.
AUNTIE RO, WHAT'S THE CLOSEST CALL YOU EVER HAD?
NO QUESTION, IT WAS KENYA.
I WAS OUT IN THE BUSH, TAKING WILDLIFE PHOTOS,
WHEN I CAME ACROSS THIS HUGE, NASTY-LOOKING RHINOCEROS
AT A WATERING HOLE.
SOUNDS LIKE MY SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE RED ONION.
IT STARTED TO SNORT.
I STARTED TO SWEAT.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
THEN I REMEMBERED WHAT THEY TAUGHT US AT CONSERVATORY--
MUSIC SOOTHES THE SAVAGE BEAST.
I STARTED TO SING.
¶ STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE ¶
¶ THINK IT OVER
¶ THINK IT OVER
THE THING LAY DOWN AND FELL ASLEEP.
THAT MUST'VE BEEN ONE SLUGGISH RHINO.
I'VE ALWAYS FOUND THE SUPREMES TO SET MY TOES A-TAPPING.
WELL, WHAT DID I MISS HERE?
AUNTIE RO'S TELLING HOW SHE STOPPED A RHINO
BY SINGING TO IT.
OH? DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME
I GOT TRAPPED IN THE SHOWER BY A GIANT POTATO BUG?
LET'S HEAD TO THE GYM.
I THINK I'LL CLEAN MY ROOM.
ME, TOO.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
OH, SURE, HANG ON.
RO, IT'S FOR YOU.
HELLO, THIS IS RO.
YEP.
LARRY!
NO, MAN, I'M LEAVING TONIGHT.
OHH...
OH, NO--
YEAH, OH, FINE, SURE, I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER.
BYE.
WHAT'S WRONG?
THAT WAS MY CREW.
OH, THEY'RE USUALLY A GOOD GROUP,
TILL LARRY GOES OFF HIS MEDICATION.
WHERE WILL I FIND A CREW ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE?
COME ON, COWBOY. WANT A DRINK BEFORE WE LEAVE?
TWO BIG, STRONG, MASCULINE GUYS...
WITH HUGE,
HARD MUSCLES.
RO...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT JACKIE'S TOLD YOU,
BUT I'M THE CAREGIVER, NOT THE GARDENER.
MY CREW FOR MEXICO JUST CANCELED.
I'M LOOKING FOR REPLACEMENTS.
PRIVATE PLANE, EXOTIC ISLAND,
FIRST CLASS, ALL EXPENSES PAID.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
CAN'T DO IT, RO. TOO SHORT NOTICE.
BESIDES, FACE IT, JACKIE'LL BE THERE.
THANKS ANYWAY.
ALL RIGHT.
BUT I'M SHOOTING THE MODELS
FOR THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT EDITION.
NOW, I KNOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARRY THE EQUIPMENT,
BUT DON'T THE MODELS NEED HELP
RUBBING OIL ALL OVER THEIR BODIES?
CLAYTON, LET ME HANDLE IT, O.K.?
BY THE TIME I'M DONE TALKING,
THE MODELS WILL BE CARRYING THE EQUIPMENT
AND RUBBING OIL ALL OVER OUR BODIES.
WHAT?
WHAT...
THERE'S A SLIGHT PROBLEM WITH THE AIRPLANE,
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING 'CAUSE...
I'M GOING FOR HELP.
O.K.
WILL YOU BE BACK?
OF COURSE.
I'M THE PILOT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT DON'T SOUND RIGHT.
HEY, EVERYONE, WAKE UP.
WAKE UP.
WHAT IS IT?
THE PILOT...
JUST JUMPED OFF THE PLANE.
CLAYTON, YOU MUST BE DREAMING.
YEAH. CLOSE THAT DOOR. IT'S DRAFTY IN HERE.
AAH! AAH!
[techno
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
QUICK. WHAT'S SPANISH FOR 911?
OH, NEVER MIND.
IT'S--IT'S DEAD.
AND SO ARE WE.
NOW IT'S OFFICIAL.
I'LL NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN.
WE GOT TO JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE.
EVERYBODY GRAB A PARACHUTE.
WHERE ARE THEY?
IN BACK. I WANTED THEM ON TOP
SO WE COULD GET TO THEM,
SO I PUT THEM ASIDE
TILL THE PLANE WAS LOADED, AND-- UH-OH!
UH-OH? UH-OH?
WE'RE HURTLING THROUGH SPACE WITHOUT A PILOT,
AND YOU'RE SAYING UH-OH?
I'LL NEVER PLAY IN THE SUPER BOWL.
I'LL NEVER BE A FATHER.
I'LL NEVER HAVE A ZIMA.
CALM DOWN. THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO.
RIGHT. GRAB HER LEGS. YOU'RE GOING OUT THAT DOOR!
AAH!
NO. I GOT TO LAND THIS PLANE.
I'M JUST A FEW HOURS SHORT OF MY PILOT'S LICENSE.
I CAN DO THIS.
LET'S SEE, THIS IS...
LOOKING GOOD.
THIS IS LOOKING GOOD.
[ENGINE STALLS]
WHAT'S THAT?
THE ENGINE STALLED.
[GASP]
WE'RE GONNA CRASH! WE'RE GONNA CRASH!
CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!
CALM DOWN! WE CAN'T PANIC.
EVERYBODY, SIT DOWN AND HOLD ON!
YES? JACKIE...
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.
REMEMBER THAT CRYSTAL VASE YOU THOUGHT THE KIDS BROKE?
IT WAS ME.
YEAH. REMEMBER THAT BIG SCRATCH ON YOUR JEEP?
I KNEW ABOUT THAT VASE.
DAMN!
RO! WHAT IS IT?
OH, I BROKE A NAIL.
OH, THIS IS A LOUSY DAY.
WE MADE IT. WE MADE IT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT ALL DEAD?
'CAUSE THERE'S NO WAY WE'D ALL END UP IN THE SAME PLACE.
WE MADE IT.
[SIGH]
THE EQUIPMENT'S ALL OUT, INCLUDING THE RADIO.
YOU WERE UNBELIEVABLE, RO.
WE COULD'VE EXPLODED IN FLAMES,
BUT YOU TOOK CONTROL AND SAVED ALL OUR LIVES.
I GUESS A RUSH OF ADRENALINE GOT ME THROUGH THE CRISIS.
NOW THAT IT'S OVER, I HOPE ONE OF YOU WILL CATCH ME.
DOES ANYBODY SMELL GAS?
WELL, EXCUSE ME, I WAS SCARED, O.K.?
NOT THAT KIND OF GAS.
I SMELL IT, TOO.
WE BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.
OH!
THIS SHOULD BE FAR ENOUGH.
RO, YOU GOT TO WAKE UP.
OHH.
YOU BROUGHT YOUR PURSE?
DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO LEAVE IT ON THE PLANE, DID YOU?
YOU NEVER WALK AWAY FROM YOUR PURSE.
EVERY WOMAN KNOWS THAT.
HERE. PUT THIS UNDER HER NOSE.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A PINE TREE FROM THE CAR WASH.
I GET THEM FOR FREE.
THE ARMOR-ALL GUY'S GOT A THING FOR ME.
OOH, RO, RO, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE SOMEBODY MOPPED THE KITCHEN FLOOR?
YOU GOT US THIS FAR. LEAD THE WAY.
HOW DO I DO THAT?
YOU'VE BEEN ON ALL THOSE SAFARIS.
WE ONLY WENT OUT IN DAYTIME, IN AN AIR-CONDITIONED BUS.
AT NIGHT WE STAYED AT THE FOUR TOWERS HOTEL.
THEY GOT THE BEST ROOM SERVICE.
CLAYTON, YOU'RE A COWBOY.
YOU MUST KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE GREAT OUTDOORS.
SURE DO.
YOU CAN GET KILLED OUT THERE.
WHY DO YOU THINK I MOVED TO L.A.?
JACKIE, WHEN MY LIFE STARTS FLASHING BEFORE MY EYES,
I HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET TO WHERE YOU MOVED IN.
RELAX. WE JUST NEED TO FIND SHELTER UNTIL MORNING.
NO WAY. I'M STRICTLY A CONCRETE AND CEMENT KID.
MY IDEA OF WILDERNESS IS ORDERING BOOTS FROM TIMBERLAKE.
I'M OUTTI.
[ANIMAL SCREECHES]
OF COURSE, IT WOULDN'T BE LOYAL OF ME
TO LEAVE YOU ALL HERE ALONE.
THAT WAS JUST A HOWLER MONKEY.
IT'D JUST RUN FROM YOU.
MAKES IT MORE INTELLIGENT
THAN MOST OF THOSE WOMEN YOU DATE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
OH, THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.
DANG! THESE BUGS ARE EATING ME ALIVE.
HERE. TRY THIS DAISY-FRESH LOTION.
IT'S GOT SOMETHING IN IT THAT DRIVES MOSQUITOES OFF.
THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL?
NO.
LIFETIME.
DOES THAT PURSE OF YOURS
FOLD OUT INTO A TENT THAT SLEEPS FOUR?
NO, BUT IT HAS A RAIN BONNET.
HOW DO WE FIND SHELTER?
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE.
NO PROBLEM. I LOOK AT THE MOON AND STARS.
IT ALL DEPENDS ON THE POSITIONS OF THE CONSTELLATIONS.
LOOK. LOOK.
THAT WAY. COME ON.
OHH. HEY.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS WAS HERE?
I DIDN'T. JUST SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT WAY TO GO.
I GUESS WE ALL HAVE AN INSTINCT FOR SURVIVAL.
WELL, MOST OF US.
I WONDER WHAT THIS IS.
PUT THIS DOWN. FOR ALL WE KNOW,
THIS IS THE WEEKEND RETREAT FOR SOME CANNIBAL FAMILY.
THEY'RE PROBABLY IN THE BUSHES NOW,
SAYING GRACE AND GOING OVER THE WINE LIST.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD MOVE ON.
NOT WITH THESE FEET.
OHH! LOOK AT THOSE BLISTERS.
RO, I KNOW YOU SAVED OUR LIFE AND EVERYTHING,
BUT WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
COULD YOU KEEP THEM DOGS COVERED?
LOOK, THERE ARE NO CANNIBALS IN MEXICO.
WE'VE GOT A FIRST-AID KIT FOR THOSE BLISTERS.
YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE
A NICE, BIG, JUICY STEAK DINNER IN THERE, WOULD YOU?
NO, BUT I GOT A PACK OF GUM, THREE PACKS OF CRACKERS.
HALF A BROWNIE,
TWO BREATH MINTS,
AND A FRENCH FRY.
HEY, HEY!
WE DON'T KNOW HOW LONG WE'LL BE STUCK HERE.
WE GOT TO RATION.
I SUGGEST WE ALL START WITH A STICK OF GUM.
THANK YOU.
DELICIOUS.