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[ORGAN PLAYS "IN THE GOOD OLD SUMMERTIME"]
[♪♪♪]
Hello, everybody. Harry Doyle here
welcoming all you Wahoo maniacs
to the year's first session of Tribe Talk.
As you know, the Indians had a Cinderella season last year,
despite the fact that toxic owner Rachel Phelps
wanted the team to lose so she could move it to Florida.
The Indians won the American League East
for the first time since divisional play began.
Rachel's gone now,
thank God, having sold the team
to retired Indian third baseman Roger Dorn,
after a long, hard-fought series of negotiations.
I might be willing to go as high as a hundred.
One-twenty.
One-twenty? You just started at 110.
One-thirty.
Rachel, this isn't fair.
One-thirty.
We'll take it.
Oh, you're good, Dorn.
HARRY: Even with Dorn in the owner's box,
the Indians are solid favorites to repeat in the East
and go all the way to the World Series.
And why not?
Look at the lineup we have coming back.
First of all, the Cuban Crusher,
the voodoo man with the bad attitude,
Pedro Cerrano.
Even though his training methods were a little unusual,
Pedro finished in the top five
in homers, RBIs, slugging percentage,
and total baldness.
Also back is center fielder Willie Mays Hayes,
who came out of nowhere to lead the league
in great catches and stolen bases.
We're told he starred
in an action movie during the off-season,
where he not only did his own stunts,
but even his own acting.
And don't forget catcher and team leader Jake Taylor.
Despite chronic knee problems, he had a fine season,
and beat out the bunt that drove in the run
that won the division title.
And finally,
one of the brightest young stars in the game today:
Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn.
Vaughn began the season
in the uniform of the California Penal League
and had some control problems early on.
But, with the help of a pair of black horn-rims,
he went on to set a Major League record
for strikeouts in one season
by an ex-car thief.
All in all, things couldn't be looking better
for the Tribe.
[IN JAPANESE]:
[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]
Hey, guys!
We signed Jack Parkman.
We signed Parkman.
All right! Whoo!
At least.
Guys, this is the year we go all the way.
All the way!
All the way! All the way!
All the way! All the way!
All the way! All the way!
[ALL CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
[ENGINE REVS]
Listen.
Sounds like a Harley.
It's got to be him.
[X'S "WILD THING" PLAYING ON STEREO]
[ALL HOOTING]
ALL: ♪ Wild thing ♪
♪ You make my heart sing ♪
[CROWD GROANS]
False alarm.
[♪♪♪]
Whoa.
Look at that.
Hi, gang.
How's it going?
Appreciate you all coming out.
Good to see you.
Yeah. Nice outfits. Those haircuts are cute.
Benny, I thought you were still in jail.
I escaped.
Thattaboy. What do you say, big guy?
See you in the show someday.
Cute?
Say it ain't so, Rick.
Yeah, right.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS]
Jake, how you doing?
Fine. Good to see you again, Lou.
Good. Good.
Feel like a kid again, skip.
Good. There's a rookie in camp
I'm gonna need your help with for a couple of weeks.
Baker!
Jake, this here is Rube Baker.
I want you to help him with a little problem he has.
All right.
M-Mr. Taylor, uh-- Ooh. I-I knew you know from which you speak,
and I'm sure you're gonna help me with my problem,
which-- Which I am bound to beat,
because there ain't no odds against being yourself
no matter what the percentages are.
Let me ask you something, uh, Rube?
Yeah. Oh.
I bet you're wondering how I get the nickname Rube.
No, I got a pretty good idea how that happened.
What exactly is your problem?
RUBE: Well, uh...
Hell, that's the biggest damn car I ever saw.
[MAURICE JOHN VAUGHN'S "GOT TO BE FUNKY" PLAYING]
♪ Everything I do ♪
♪ Got to be funky ♪
♪ Everything I do ♪
♪ People, now ♪
♪ Got to be funky ♪
Honey, take a picture.
JAKE: Hey, Willie.
Whoo-hoo!
♪ You just might get Some funk on you ♪
Who are they?
They are our center fielder.
Oh.
Hey, hey, Willie!
Ho. What's up?
Hey, welcome back.
Nice little 'do, there.
What, you running for office?
No, I'm just trying to clean up my act.
Can't play the street punk
when you're making seven figures, you know?
Who's that?
RICK: It's got to be Parkman, our new free agent.
Nice jacket.
Come on. Let's check it out.
Say, uh, Parkman, I just wanted to say
that even though we're competing for the same position,
uh, I'm glad they signed you. You're a good ball player.
Heh. Cut the crap, Taylor.
I don't like you. You don't like me.
I just hope you don't blame your bum knees when I take your job.
You want me to bean him?
I'll just beat him out for the job.
RUBE: "Avoid spraying toward open flame.
"Contents under pressure.
"Shake can before use.
"Press--" What?
[♪♪♪]
Jeez. I-I'm sorry, Mr....
Cerrano? I, uh,
just...
You are forgiven.
I love you all!
[LAUGHS]
Jake.
Lou.
My great and good friends.
How you doing?
You okay, Pedro?
Okay? I free and clear.
Did he say free and ***?
Clear.
Free of anger and hostility that run Cerrano's life.
Unh.
Meditation is key.
Five months under Master Hama Masasuri.
No more voodoo,
just much peace and wideness of love.
At one with all.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Whoo! Get up there, baby.
PEDRO: It's beautiful, man.
Oh.
Whoo-hoo.
WILLIE: Ow! Another jack job. Fore!
Three-seventy.
Whoopee.
Hey, Hayes, what are you doing?
Going deep.
I buffed up this winter.
You needed to to wear all that jewelry.
Just remember, you're our lead-off man.
You're paid to get on base, not try to hit home runs.
Keep the ball on the ground.
[CHUCKLES]
That's enough for the first day.
After five pitches?
Say, what was that last pitch you threw me?
I call it the Eliminator.
It's a combination screwball, split-finger.
You name your pitches now?
Yeah. Sort of a marketing thing,
you know, like "Nolan Ryan's Express."
I'm also working on a forkball, slider combination.
Well, whatever happened to the boring old
96-mile-an-hour fastball?
Whatever.
It'll be there when I need it.
Jake, I don't want to become one of these one-year phenoms
who burns himself out throwing nothing but gas.
I got to start thinking in terms of a career,
not just a season.
You work with Rube on his little problem yet?
Now step and throw!
Damn it, catcher, that's a damn good play.
JAKE: He looks pretty sharp to me.
What exactly is his problem?
[COUGHS]
[GRUNTS]
Doggone it! Jeez, Louise!
Uh, Duke.
Rube.
What's going through your head
just before you throw the ball back to the pitcher?
Ah. I'm thinking, "Damn, I don't want to screw this up."
What are you thinking
when you throw a strike to nail the runner down at second base?
I-- Heh, I'm not thinking nothing. I just throw it.
You see what I'm getting at?
You want the pitcher to pitch from second base?
Aw...
If we walk somebody, this guy's going to turn it into
an inside-the-park home run.
Yeah.
Whoa.
What's this, your first spring babe, Vaughn?
RICK: Who, her?
RICK: No.
There she is.
[♪♪♪]
WILLIE: Ooh-whee! Suggie-dug it now.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Hey, Flan, how are you?
Mm.
You too. Good news.
General Cereals people are interested...
WILLIE: Money's gone to his head.
JAKE: Yeah.
Let's go take a ride in my limo.
[GUNFIRE ON TV]
There it is, man.
Watch this.
Heh.
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
ANNOUNCER: Willie Mays Hayes is:
ANNOUNCER:
[LAUGHS]
[IMITATES TARZAN YELL]
[GRUNTING]
ANNOUNCER: Jesse "The Body" Ventura is:
ANNOUNCER:
Together, they're taking on the mob.
[BOTH GASPING]
Mine fell the hardest.
Mine are the deadest.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[BOTH LAUGH]
[LAUGHS]
These guys play for keeps.
ANNOUNCER:
Coming to a theater near you.
That spot didn't show the real dramatic parts,
like where they kill my boa constrictor and I vow revenge.
Oh.
Hey, you're limping.
A little. What about you?
Yeah, well, I'm a broken-down, has-been catcher.
You're our lead-off man.
I sprained my knee a little doing a stunt for the flick.
Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna be fine by opening day.
Besides, I'm a power hitter now.
[♪♪♪]
What do you call that garbage?
That's the Eliminator.
The Eliminator.
I got a new one I'll show you.
You get a piece of it, I'll let you name it.
[APPLAUSE]
I'd, uh,
call it the Masturbator.
Excellent pitch, man.
Cerrano fool,
but ball and blue sky.
Beautiful,
like lonely snowflake.
JAKE: Now, just pretend the pitcher's the second baseman.
[GRUNTS]
Ah! Golly! Jeez!
Gol darn it to heck!
Shoot!
I couldn't hit sand if I fell off a camel.
Criminetly! They're going to send me back to Omaha,
and I don't even live there.
I'm gone. I'm buzzard bait.
They're gonna cut me. I know they're gonna cut me.
Cripes!
Rube, you look at Playboy all the time, don't you?
Uh...
No, I don't just look at it. I-I read the articles.
Yeah, sure you do.
I do. I especially like where-- Where they tell you
what the girls' interests are.
You know, like Betsy loves surfing, gardening,
and working on motorcycles.
You memorize 'em?
Yep, I guess I do.
Bingo.
Huh?
Just do what I told you, okay?
Could you throw that back to the pitcher, please?
Thank you.
[♪♪♪]
Louise teaches aerobics and loves short shorts,
unicorns, and reruns of Three's Company.
Her favorite sports are--
High!
--air hockey, checkers,
and calf-roping.
Whoo! Ha! Yeah!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Wow. Willie's really got some power.
Off a guy who'll be bagging groceries in a couple weeks.
[CROWD GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
Ooh.
It must be tough to be old.
You're out!
Hey!
Huh?
I love it.
Aw, you...
Damn.
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
One more year.
Yes.
Rube,
what are you doing?
If there's a red tag in there,
that means I'm outta here, right?
Uh-huh. There's always next year, and you're young.
Yeah, what the hell. My mama always said
it's better to eat *** than not eat at all.
Well, look at it this way.
In the minor leagues you'll get to play every day,
I made the team.
I made the team. We did it!
Pedro, guess what, man? I'm on the rooster.
This team has completely lost its focus.
You think April is too early for a "Roger Dorn Night"?
Ah...
Uh, Lou--
Oh, hi, Roger.
Uh, I just want to say I think carrying three catchers
is probably a good idea.
Hold it a second, Jake. Uh...
Jake, you're a very valuable part of this organization.
The way you helped that kid with his problem,
that was, uh-- That was impressive.
Well, he's got some talent. I guess with a little patience,
he might even become a ball player.
LOU: What Dorn's trying to say, Jake,
is we're not carrying three catchers.
We'd like you to stay on as a coach.
We're gonna need you.
You'll make a great coach, Jake.
Screw you, Dorn. I'm not a coach, I'm a ball player.
Why don't you just find some poor shmuck
with his belly hanging over his belt
and pastrami sticking out of his mouth?
I'm done with baseball.
Called everywhere. Nobody's looking
for a 41-year-old catcher with bad knees.
Well, it's not like you don't have other options.
Alan Bellows wants you to join his brokerage firm.
And Jack Pursoff wants me to head up
one of his Pepsi distributorships.
And you'd be close to home.
Yeah, and I'd make a hell of a lot more money
than I would as a coach.
So, what if I never made it to a World Series?
Well, I think it's pretty obvious what you ought to do.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Uh, I'll tell Dorn I begged you to come back.
Thanks, skip.
[CROWD CHEERING]
How you doing?
Hola. How you doing, man?
Hey. How you doing?
All right. All right. All right. Yeah.
Hi, sweetie. How are you?
I hope you don't mind, but I've set up a little photo op
with an inner-city youth group.
You mean a gang? No problem. I used to be in one.
Actually, I was in four or five.
No, darling. These are first-time offenders.
They're trying to keep out of gangs.
All you have to do pose with one of the juvenile hall kids
and the education director.
Do we really have to do this now?
Are you kidding?
It doesn't hurt to show you have a social conscience,
that you're giving something back to the community.
You'll be fine.
[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PA]
BOY 1: Wow.
BOY 2: Oh, man. It's him.
Hi, Rick.
Nikki, how are you?
Fine.
This is Frankie, he's one of my student.
He won room inspection five days in a row
to be in this picture.
You could eat prime rib off my floor.
Way to go, Frankie.
Just a minute, Rick. He has a problem with his flash.
Is that your new girlfriend?
Yeah. She's also my agent.
Would you please?
Does she like riding on your Harley?
Is this gonna happen or what?
Ready to go.
[SHUTTER CLICKS]
Don't tell me you sold the Harley.
Flannery has been great for me.
I'm not the bum I used to be.
I kind of liked the bum you used to be.
Okay, that's it. Thanks a lot.
Great.
All right.
ALL: Bye.
See you later, Nikki.
Hey, uh, Rick, I thought you might want this back.
You left it at my apartment.
[♪♪♪]
I don't have much use for it now, but thanks.
See you, Rick.
So long, Nikki.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
Come on.
Alrighty, folks, I'd have to say my next guest
is about the closest thing baseball has to a rock star.
Please welcome, from the Cleveland Indians,
Rick "The Wild Thing" Vaughn.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[BAND PLAYING "WILD THING"]
GIRL: We love you!
Now, let's get right to it, here.
This whole "Wild Thing" label that you've been saddled with,
this has led a lot of people to believe that, like,
you're borderline scary, like, you're a psycho guy.
But you seem like a pretty straight shooter, huh?
Yeah.
So where does this reputation come from? From what I've read,
I guess, what, you had some mixup as a kid with the cops.
Is that something you want to talk about?
No.
Sure. I saw this new corvette,
took it for a drive.
Just kind of boys-being-boys kind of thing?
Through four states.
Four states? Oh, that-- That's a lot.
It ended in a high-speed chase.
Had it up there around 140 or so.
When I got out of the car, the cop had a real attitude.
They were going to throw the book at me,
but my cousin dates a judge in Colorado.
He's a transvestite.
Oh.
The judge or your cousin?
The judge.
Oh.
Um, let's take a little break.
More with, uh, Rick right after this.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: It's cool, it's overcast,
and it's foggy on opening day here in Cleveland.
Hello, again, everyone. I'm Harry Doyle
along with my good friend and partner
Monte what's-his-name,
giving a big Wahoo welcome to all the Cleveland faithful.
It's a brand-new season and a new team spirit
as novice owner Roger Dorn
has made two very savvy front-office moves:
acquiring free-agent slugger Jack Parkman
and announcing his own retirement,
eliminating a huge hole at third base.
Hell, no. You know, not a great spring: three and 24.
Oh, so what? They had a bad spring.
They did the same thing last year.
The important thing is Parkman and Hayes are killing the ball.
Cerrano, he's lying in the weeds.
Vaughn, he's-- He's off to a slow start, but look out.
They're gonna erupt. They're gonna bust loose.
They're gonna do it.
They're a powder keg.
Thank you.
HARRY: Getting close now,
as the Indians begin their drive for a world championship
against the hated Chicago White Sox,
who swept the Tribe right out of the playoffs last year.
[CROWD ROARS]
And listen to the roar of the crowd
as the Indians take the field.
[ORGAN PLAYS "CHARGE"]
WOMAN: Mow 'em down, Wild Thing!
Did you ever have that feeling
you were just born for greatness?
HARRY: Rick Vaughn gets the starting call today.
We're told he matured a lot over the winter.
Apparently, he's bathing now.
Congratulations, Rick.
As you know, Monte, Vaughn's been working on new pitches,
the Eliminator and the Humiliator,
to complement his fastball, the Terminator.
I heard that.
Dynamite drop-in, Monte.
That broadcast school has really paid off.
We're ready for the opening pitch.
Vaughn winds and fires.
It's a strike, and we're underway.
All right, Ricky. Good job!
Great pitch, man.
Great pitch. Do it again.
Come on, let's see it. God, he was--
Yeah?
HARRY: Vaughn winds for the 0-2 pitch.
Called strike three.
Called strike six.
Called strike nine. Inning over.
Yeah! All right!
Break out the champagne.
It's in the bag.
The fat lady has left the building.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
HARRY: So Vaughn sets down the White Sox
in the top of the first.
Willie Mays Hayes steps in.
Hayes had a great spring,
adding the long ball to his speed.
ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]: Now batting: Double 0, Willie Mays Hayes.
HARRY: Willie swinging his shillelagh at the plate.
And he's calling his shot.
He's pointing toward the left field bleachers.
All right, Willie. Right here, Willie.
What's he pointing at?
What? Does he know someone up there?
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: Hayes ready at the plate.
Alaino into his windup and the pitch.
Here's a swing and a drive to left and deep.
Belmonti racing toward the wall.
This one has a chance.
It's going...going...
Not quite gone.
Heh-heh-heh. That had to be the wind.
It must've been the wind.
HARRY: Top of the third now.
Vaughn's been in trouble a couple of times,
but has held the White Sox
with his new assortment of breaking stuff.
Humiliator lined to left, a base hit.
Eliminator lined to right, another base hit.
[GRUNTS]
There's some real *** lined to center.
Termini is coming around third.
The throw is cut off. He'll score.
Aw!
What?
"What?"
They're hammering the slow crap.
Think your arm could stand the strain of throwing a fastball?
Look, I'll throw it. You just make sure you catch it.
I will if it ever gets to me.
God knows what Vaughn's gonna throw next.
He's running out of names.
That'll bring up Hank Shaw,
who led the Sox in home runs and RBIs last year.
I don't know how this guy keeps his mind on baseball,
what with all the paternity suits and all.
I think those are parking tickets.
MAN: Come on, Wild Thing.
HARRY: Vaughn has his sign and comes set,
checks the runner at second.
Here's the pitch to Shaw.
Swung on and belted into deep right field.
Back goes Cerrano.
He'll need a rocket up his *** to catch this one.
[ALL CHEERING]
HARRY: That looked like the Terminator, only slower.
Maybe it was his Out-of-stater,
or it could've been the Hibernator.
That baby is definitely going away for the winter.
Whatever for Vaughn,
it might be "see you later."
He's probably gonna become a...spectator.
Didn't have much on that one.
HARRY: Four-nothing, Chicago. Hayes at the plate.
And he's calling it again.
[♪♪♪]
Come on, Willie. This time for sure.
Aw, forget that crap.
Put the ball on the ground.
HARRY: Alaino looking in for the sign
and goes into his windup.
Here's the swing and a drive to deep left.
It could go this time.
Yes! Yes!
HARRY: Belmonti back to the wall again. Way back.
Come on. Come to Papa.
HARRY: And it is...
HARRY: ...caught.
Bite me, Belmonti!
Of course, he could be pointing at the left fielder.
HARRY: Bottom of the sixth.
Jack Parkman stepping in with runners at the corners.
Parkman with two hits already today.
Martinez leads away from first, Warren from third.
Parkman doing his little shimmy.
It drives the women here in Cleveland crazy.
Vargas, the little left-hander, set at the belt.
Here's the pitch.
Parkman swings, drives one to deep left center.
It looks like he got it all.
It is goodbye, Mr. Rawlings.
And the Indians pull to within 1 at 4 to 3.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Way to go, Jack!
I bought him.
Welcome to New Jack City.
See, I told you that this guy would make a difference.
[CROWD CONTINUES CHEERING]
Jack the Ripper.
Jack Attack.
HARRY: You know, I used to hate Parkman when he was with the A's.
It's amazing how a new uniform
can change your attitude about a guy.
He's still a ***.
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: Last of the ninth.
Two outs and a tying run at first,
and Pedro Cerrano steps into the box.
Cerrano hitless today
and pretty much all spring.
Martinez takes his lead from first again.
[♪♪♪]
Here's the pitch.
Cerrano swings.
And it's a high fly ball to center field.
And it hits a bird.
The ball drops into right,
the bird into short center.
Cerrano rounds first and heads for...center field?
Where are you going?!
Cerrano kill a living thing.
Forget the damn bird. Run! Run!
[COOS]
He's alive.
[CHUCKLES]
HARRY: Martinez around third, heading for home,
and so is the bird.
Bye-bye, birdie.
Sorry, but you're out, Mr. Gandhi.
Too late. Run doesn't score.
Ball game's over.
What?!
Cerrano, come on!
[SIGHS]
HARRY: Well, the Indians drop a tough one.
4 to 3, as Pedro Cerrano doubles off a pigeon
and then is tagged out, administering CPR
before the tying run could score.
It's a funny game, eh, Monte?
Well, at least the bird survived.
Who cares? It's a rat with wings.
Two months.
Two months?
What do you mean, two months?
You have enough money to run the team for two months.
You paid too much for the franchise.
There's another four months in the season. What do I do?
Increase your profits any way you can.
What the hell is this crap?
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: Well, fans, Roger Dorn has done a little redecorating
around the ballpark.
The outfield walls now look like the Yellow Pages.
Any of you folks having trouble finding a good proctologist
might wanna come down here and check out the area
around the 375-foot sign.
As for the game,
we got a real nail-biter here tonight.
It's a lot closer than that 11-2 score.
Mr. Vaughn. I thought you were starting tonight.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't turn it on until the second inning.
I can't believe you're so upset about what the valet said.
I'm upset because Billy Ritter
hit a three-run homer off me.
He was due.
I mean, the man has been in the majors for seven years.
He's never hit a home run.
Never?
Oh.
Maybe you should throw fastballs more often
till you're sure of your other pitches.
I did that tonight.
I threw Ritter an 87-mile-an-hour fastball,
and he crushed it.
Last year, I averaged 96.
Now I reach back, and it's just not there.
I can't believe it. I've forgotten how to throw heat.
Look...
you'll make a few adjustments.
And in a week or two,
you'll be laughing about this.
And don't worry about the endorsements.
[♪♪♪]
It's not your ERA they're gonna be worried about.
It's your image that's important:
wholesome,
clean-cut,
all-American.
[THUD]
While on the croquet lawn,
one must be careful not to offend one's opponent
with an onset of unwanted odor.
Oh, bully.
That's why I use Right Guard sport stick,
maximum protection against odicious,
odourophously...
olflacty emanations.
That's a...cut.
Let's just cut that.
Um, it's "odiously,
"odiferous,
olfactory emanations."
Right.
Odouroforous...
ofolactory... emaranations.
Odourforous... oflactonal...
nominations.
Odouroforous... ofiloctagyl...
emancipations.
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD GASPS]
♪ Whoa Boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa Boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom ♪
HARRY: So Weaver doubles off the Zippo bail bond sign.
And that's another team record for Rick Vaughn,
the fifth consecutive extra base hit in the inning.
And he's out by an eyelash at third.
Cerrano doing some interesting limbering-up exercises in right.
What a pansy.
Oh, ***.
HARRY: Easy play for Cerrano, under it now.
And-- No. That ball is off his glove and outta here.
Well, credit Cerrano with an RBI,
and that play could be a finalist
in the Trojan Inn's *** of the Week award.
♪ Whoa, boom Whoa, boom ♪
♪ Bapa boom ♪
Take 87.
DIRECTOR: And action.
Right Guard sport stick.
Anything less...
would be uncivilized.
Upside down.
Upside down.
Thank you. Cut.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Hey, Rick. Rick.
Is it true you're moving to the bullpen?
Of course not.
Where do you guys get this stuff?
[♪♪♪]
BOY: Hey, Wild Thing.
Don't worry. You're still the best.
You stunk at the beginning of last year too.
Thanks, Frankie.
We don't believe what they say about you in the papers.
You know, that you're a fluke and all that.
That you lost your fastball.
That you got no heart.
You guys want an autograph or something?
Yeah, that'd be great. Hey, Nikki.
You got something Vaughn can sign?
Hi.
NIKKI: Listen, I was real sorry to hear
they took you out of the rotation.
Ah, it's only temporary.
You're just in a slump. You'll bounce back.
Yeah.
Well, we better get back.
Hey...Nikki.
I'm sorry I didn't call you after last season.
It's for the best.
We've both moved on to better things.
You seeing anybody?
Yeah, yeah.
This'll crack you up. He's from Chicago.
Big White Sox fan.
Boy, does he hate you.
Good luck, Rick.
Thanks.
ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]: Today's paid attendance:
2,714.
What a great woman.
*** White Sox fan.
Such a nice personality.
I bet he loves the idea of me sitting here in the bullpen.
I've met the woman, Rube.
I don't need a description, all right?
A White Sox fan.
Women.
You can't live without them, and they can't pee standing up.
Well, fans, the Indians about to extend
their winning streak to...
two.
FAN: This is it. Vaughn's coming out of it.
I-I know he's coming out of it.
This demotion to the bullpen has been a wake-up call.
Rise and shine, Ricky.
This is the day we turn it around.
Flip it over.
We're in the top of the ninth.
Leading 10-7. Bases loaded. Two down.
And Rick Vaughn has come on to try and nail it down
against Felipe Aguilar,
a dangerous right-handed batter.
Here's the pitch.
Oh, ***.
Hot damn. No, no.
Out of the game.
If that's not Shaquille O'Neal in left,
that baby's outta here.
Oh, no!
You rotten bums!
You overpaid weenies!
Wild Thing,
you make my butt sting!
I detest you!
You're all garbage.
All of you.
Back up the truck. Back it up.
REPORTER: Jack, being new to the club,
how do you feel about the way things have gone
for the Indians so far?
I'm the only winner on the team.
The rest of them are losers,
either by choice or by birth.
[REPORTERS SCRUMMING]
Think you can help me with my fastball?
THERAPIST: We'll have to deal with some deeper issues first.
I don't have any deeper issues.
I like to keep things right on the surface.
Well, sometimes there are little surprises.
Tell me, Rick.
What goes through your mind when you throw your fastball?
I'm wondering if it's gonna end up
in the catcher's mitt or in some guy's den.
Did you used to think this way?
I didn't usually think at all. Takes a lot out of you.
Well, then, Rick, let's get down to it.
The real problem here
goes back to when you stole that car.
You wanted to be caught, didn't you? Punished.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have thrown
the 0 and 2 fastball to Fields, when everybody knows
he'll chase the two-strike curveball in the dirt.
I'd already thrown him two curveballs.
The second one, he hit a 436-feet foul.
Better than 520 feet fair.
[SIGHS]
Parkman.
I saw your little interview
in this morning's paper.
You're benched for two games.
And if you ever rip any of your teammates--
What'd you say?!
You ought to listen to the radio more, Lou.
Your biggest gun just got traded to Chicago,
as a matter of fact, your only gun.
Au revoir.
How could you sell my best player
without asking me?
I'm on my ***.
I'm tapped out.
I'm not going to be able to make next month's payroll.
Aw, jeez.
But I didn't sell Parkman outright.
I got you an outfielder.
He used to play with the Giants.
Franklin?
Not those Giants.
[YELLING IN JAPANESE]
CROWD: Oh!
[GRUNTS]
[CROWD BOOS]
HARRY: And, so, Hiroshi "Kamikaze" Tanaka,
recently of the Tokyo Giants,
knocks himself cold for the second time this week.
Maybe in Japan, that's actually better
than catching the ball.
Personally, I think he's just trying
to get out of the lineup.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Om.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Pedro Cerrano. How you doing?
Who your master?
My master?
It's the great Hama Masasuri.
Thank you.
A ball player must be a warrior.
Not a monk!
Hyah.
[MEN CHATTERING]
All right, you guys. Let's listen up.
We won a game yesterday.
If we win one today,
that's two in a row.
If we win one tomorrow,
that's called a winning streak.
It has happened before.
So let's see some hustle.
Let's jack it up a little.
I got a feeling things are about to turn around for us.
Oh, my God.
Hello, boys.
You don't mind if I come in
and visit with you for a moment, do you?
This clubhouse is off-limits to everyone
but Indian personnel.
That does include the owner, doesn't it?
What?
I just bought the team back this morning
at a substantial profit.
I retained Roger here as the general manager.
But the money really means little to me.
I have more than enough.
This... is more personal.
Last year, by some impossible fluke,
you ruined a beautiful dream.
Now you're going down in flames,
and I wanna be there when you go splat.
Keep up the good work, gents.
Miss Phelps?
Oh.
You...
LOU: Come on, you're not gonna let her get you down, are you?
You guys won last year just to spite her.
Maybe she's just what we need.
Aw, Skip, they were a different team last year.
LOU: Taylor.
It's not your job to make excuses.
That's all you guys do good!
It's either a leg thing
or a spiritual thing
or a psychological thing
or a heart attack!
Who used heart attack?
Me.
TAYLOR: Hey.
LOU: Doctors say I got to take some time off,
so I want you to manage the team
for the rest of the year.
You've gotta be kidding, Lou.
I don't have any experience managing.
Ah, you're one of the smartest players I ever coached.
Guys all look up to you.
Tell Dorn you'll take the job.
Look on the bright side,
things couldn't get any worse.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey, guys.
I got some good news for you.
This morning at 9.10 a.m...
I activated myself.
What you doin'?
Schoup.
Hey.
What is this?
[♪♪♪]
Qué es eso?
Buddha, samurai, okay.
Peaceful inside.
Outside, warrior.
I love you, Mac.
I love you too much.
You know, you have no...
You have no...
Marbles!
Marbles?
Marbles!
You have no marbles!
Hey, relax.
Marbles?
Huevos?
[GROWLS]
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Hello, Tribe fans.
Welcome back to Major League Baseball...
sort of.
Paid attendance today is...
1412.
Some of them were driven away
by that little 10-run 1st inning the Red Sox put up.
Take over, Monte.
I'm in the bag.
Me?
Fly ball...
caught.
I can't believe we gotta play a doubleheader.
All right, let's get going. Come on, let's get something started.
It's okay, Pedro.
Tough luck, man.
Come on. Look alive, look alive.
Uh-uh-uh-uh, Vaughn,
don't you think you better get out to the bullpen?
Yeah.
There's still somebody left in the bleachers.
TAYLOR: Who cares? Go on, get out there.
FAN: Hey, vile thing!
I think I loathe you!
You didn't think I'd abandon you, did you, Vaughn?
You human piece of cow flop!
You big steaming pile of mastodon dung!
Bring out the pooper-scooper!
You bush-league, no-talent,
flash-in-the-pan choke artist!
Huh? Hey, where you going, Vaughn?
Huh? You looking for your Terminator, Vaughn?
Yeah, you go back in there, Vaughn.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, didn't I tell you to go to the bullpen?
We're down by 10 runs.
Well, you can still get some work in.
I've had enough of that maniac out there.
Time!
Ball hit him!
UMPIRE: First base!
Hayes,
go run for Rube.
My leg's hurtin'.
I'll run.
Rube's hurting worse than you. Now get in there.
The gutless wonder doesn't have to pitch.
Why should I have to run?
Who you calling a gutless wonder, tin man?
Tin man? I got a genuine leg injury here, pal.
That limp is the best acting you've done all year.
At least I don't have some cover girl
dragging me around by my johnson.
[♪♪♪]
What are you guys doing?
This isn't nice.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Don't touch me. Don't--
Fight! I'll show you a fight. Come on!
I'll take on the whole team!
Come on, you don't know how to fight!
You wusses!
Huh?
Wha--? Huh?
HARRY: My God...
Good news, fans.
The Indians are showing signs of life
for the first time in weeks.
As a matter of fact, they appear to be
beating the crap out of each other.
It looks like Willie Hayes
is trying to hit Rick Vaughn.
And why not? Everybody else in the league does.
He swings and misses.
Monte, it looks like Vaughn's carrying his left a little low.
This could hurt him in the later rounds.
UMPIRE: So, what are we gonna do?
Toss 'em, I guess.
The whole team?
Yeah.
All right, you're out of here!
All of you!
Well, it's not broken,
but you're gonna have to stay off it for a couple days.
Lucky son of a gun.
At least you ain't got to hang around
to play the second game, right?
Hey, Willie.
Willie!
I can't believe you said that.
***.
I talked to a boy in the bleachers the other day
who hails from downtown.
He told me the most grass he's ever seen in his whole life
is the patch we get to play on every day.
We're in the goldarn major leagues, boys.
I don't know about any of you,
but I've been waiting my whole life to get here.
And I'll be damned if I'm going to act like my best pig died
just 'cause we ain't doin' so good.
I love to play baseball,
and I'll bet somewhere along the line y'all did too.
I'm ready to play ball if you need me.
My dad figured I wouldn't amount to much except...
well, I never came up with anything,
but I know I can play ball a little,
and a day of playing ball is better
than whatever most people have to do for a living.
So just put me in someplace.
Bottom of the 9th,
Cleveland down 1-0.
ANNOUNCER: Now batting, number 11,
Rube Baker.
HARRY: Baker at the plate. He's 0 for...
I don't know. Who cares?
The pitch...
Baker swings and sends a real screamer toward short.
Rapp up with it, fires to first,
and Baker beats it with a head-first slide.
So the Indians have a runner.
I think I'll wet my pants.
Way to hustle, Rube!
Let me run for him.
You sure?
Yeah.
HARRY: And Taylor is gonna send in Hayes to run.
Thanks. Thanks, dude.
Went to see his movie,
but it was only out for two and a half hours.
I was told, however, that it was in focus.
Hayes getting his lead.
Canatella checks him...
And Hayes is going.
Here's the throw. He slides...
He's safe!
Yes!
[CHEERING]
So Hayes steals second.
Glad to see he remembered where it was.
Hayes out to a good lead at second.
Canatella comes set.
Pick-off play-- Hayes takes off!
He's going for third!
He's in there!
Hayes is beginning to look like the player of old,
and the Indians have something going here.
Canatella up on the rubber again
as Hayes gets a walking lead.
Canatella winds...
Hayes is gonna steal home!
He's safe!
Yeah, baby!
So Hayes has stolen three in a row to tie the game.
Mr. Larceny is back.
[CHATTER]
[GROANING]
Jake,
Cerrano wants to bat.
Okay. Get in there.
[♪♪♪]
Go, Pedro!
Hey, Willie.
ANNOUNCER: Now batting, number 13,
Pedro Cerrano.
HARRY: Cerrano's gonna pinch-hit here,
and he's not taking any practice swings.
He's either ready to hit,
or he's afraid he might kill some gnats.
Hey, Pedro, how you doing?
Shut up.
HARRY: Canatella delivers.
Cerrano swings,
and it's a long drive to deep left field,
way back. Packer to the wall...
This ball is...
Gone!
[ALL CHEERING]
And the Indians finally win one!
Oh, well. It's only one win.
Even they can't lose them all.
Listen, Meg, I'm thinking of coming to L.A.
I don't know if Rick and I are good for each other right now.
I mean, the team is showing signs of life,
but his ERA's over 6,
and he hasn't got a clue on how to get it back on track.
It's depressing.
Serious with Vaughn?
He's a lot of fun,
but I need someone
with a little more class.
My shrink was sick.
Meg, I'll call you back.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
Hey.
You know, Ricky,
breaking up with a girlfriend
can be a very painful thing,
but it don't have to keep you down for long.
I mean, let me tell you something
from my own personal experience.
I-- I never had a regular girlfriend like you,
but I did get kicked
in the balls once by a mule.
Now, I thought I would be hurting for the rest of my life.
But you know what happened the very next week?
What?
My Mama died.
[SOBBING]
Hell, after that, I didn't care no more about my balls hurtin'.
You see what I'm getting at?
[♪♪♪]
All right. Who led the Confederate forces
in the Battle of Gettysburg?
Wild Thing!
Can I talk to you for a second?
Excuse me.
[CHILDREN WHISTLING]
What-- What are you doing here?
Just wondering if you wanted to go out
and get a pizza or something.
I don't know. Um...
This is my last class, but...
Now?
RICK: I don't know, Nikki.
Nothing I try seems to work anymore.
Maybe you're working too *** yourself.
You used to go out there and just let it rip.
"Here. Try and hit this."
You never used to worry about your arm or your career.
God, you didn't even know what a career was.
Now you're pitching like it's a job.
Yeah, I'm not sure I can get back to that.
It seems like it was so long ago.
The worst was when you brought the kids out.
Aguilar lit me up like a Christmas tree.
Don't worry about that.
That ball wouldn't have been out of a lot of parks.
Name one.
Yellowstone?
[CHUCKLING]
[CHUCKLING]
Sorry.
Yellowstone.
Hey...
I know a guy who's got a bike.
Whoo!
[♪♪♪]
[NIKKI SCREAMS]
RICK: Yeah!
I haven't been up here in a long time.
I hope not. This was our spot.
Buddha,
Jobu.
Jobu, Buddha.
Now, I don't want no trouble out of you two.
Oh, ***.
UMPIRE: He's out!
Ah!
He's out!
That-a-boy!
Whoa!
As general manager of this team,
I demand to know when I'm getting a start.
There's an old-timers' game coming up soon.
[♪♪♪]
PLAYER: He's going!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Rackin' them up, baby.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Mine. Mine.
Run it out!
I got it!
PLAYER: Second base!
Safe!
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
CROWD: Ooh...
[CROWD CHEERS]
This can't be happening.
Not again.
Go, go, go, go!
Out!
He's out!
Ha!
Pedro. Yes!
[SIGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKS JAPANESE]
[CROWD CHEERS]
[SPEAKS JAPANESE]
Yippee.
Hi.
Hi.
I forgot to give you this.
I don't expect you to forgive me.
My dare was being really silly,
and trying to get a laugh out of one of my friends.
I understand why you reacted the way you did.
I hope you don't think this is about trying to get you back.
Then what is this about?
General Cereals is throwing a big party tonight
over at the Marriott Society Center
and they want you to come.
Really.
Mm-hm.
So?
Can you make it?
Probably not.
I didn't think so.
[♪♪♪]
After what I did to you that day.
I messed up a great thing.
Bye, Rick.
Tribe fans, we're one out away
from our second consecutive divisional title.
Rick Vaughn has gone 3-and-2 to Mel Koski.
Here's the pitch.
Ball 4, and he walked him.
That's gonna bring
the tying run to the plate for the Toronto Blue Jays.
A little excitement here at the end.
I know I wouldn't have it any other way
and I'm sure you folks feel the same.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yes.
Time for the old Tribe to come unglued.
♪ Vile thing ♪
♪ Mr. Choke thing ♪
♪ You make everything ♪
♪ Embarrassing ♪
You want to finish this or should I bring in Dalton?
HECKLER: Hey, mild thing!
You were lucky last time!
Cerrano saved your sorry ***!
No.
My arm's tired.
HARRY: So Vaughn leaves,
and Taylor will go to the bull pen.
I knew you'd wimp out, mild thing!
You got no heart.
And forget genitalia!
MAN: Hey, shut up.
They had you fixed!
Dalton is done with his warm-up pitches
and Pierce steps in.
Here's Dalton's first offering,
and Pierce hits it a ton.
Oh, no!
Ha!
Ha!
Damn.
Yeah!
Somebody caught it!
And the Indians win the division!
[CHEERING]
So what?
They'll blow it in the playoffs.
They will. They will.
They'll blow it in the playoffs.
Aah!
Hey, man, what's wrong with you? I put in a lot of time on this.
BOY: Hey, it's Vaughn.
[CHATTERING]
Hey, what's up? All right.
Good to see everybody. How are ya?
Whoa. Easy on the fives.
Gotta protect the old pitching hand.
Well, it looks like we're back in the playoffs.
[ALL CHEERING]
And I know what loyal fans you are,
so I brought you a box of balls.
[CHATTERING]
I've signed each one,
but if you give your ball to Nikki, I'll make sure
[CHEERING]
Well, I gotta run.
Um, Nikki and I have a little function at the Marriott.
I guess I'll see you at the ballpark.
Enjoy those.
What a puke-head.
He didn't even have no cake.
Hey, Rick.
Why don't you go without me?
What are you talkin' about? Come on.
These kids look up to you
because they're where you used to be.
You're a hero to them.
It'd be the biggest thing in their year
if you just hung out with them for a while.
Unfortunately, you think some party's more important.
I-- I guess I can go back in for a couple of minutes.
Don't insult their intelligence.
They don't want to hang out with some jerk
that I had to drag back in there.
[♪♪♪]
Just leave.
Go.
Okay.
Fine.
Hey, Rick?
This party--
Did she invite you?
Yeah.
It's just a business thing.
Goodbye, Rick.
Well, it's a shame you have to go in now.
It's a routine bypass.
I put it off as long as I could.
At least you can watch the games on the tube.
Wrong.
Doctor told me he's gonna put the TV
on public broadcasting and lose the channel changer.
He thinks baseball's bad for my health.
But I came up with Plan B.
Got me a little transistor radio with an earplug.
[CHUCKLING]
[♪♪♪]
HARRY: Bottom of the 9th, Game One,
American League Championship Series.
Hayes leads away from third.
Bucek with the sign and now into the windup.
Hayes is coming!
Baker with a suicide squeeze.
Bucek up with the ball.
Hayes doesn't touch the plate!
Hayes finally scores!
Yeah!
[GRUNTS]
Yeah!
Oh, my God!
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
You ready?
You sure?
Yeah. Feel good.
Okay.
Go fish.
You gonna say anything to them?
No. They look nice and relaxed,
right where they should be.
RACHEL: Yoo-hoo.
Hello, team.
I know. You all hate me.
TEAM: Uh-huh.
And given what's happened in the past,
I can't say I blame you.
But I wanted to say one thing to you
before you take the field tonight.
Believe it or not,
I'm proud of every one of you.
Willie,
the all-out effort
you've given recently has been an inspiration to us all
and proves that you've put that 1-for-18 performance
in last year's ALCS far behind you.
And Pedro...
[CHUCKLES]
[AS PEDRO] ...bashing the ball
like the Cerrano of old.
[NORMAL VOICE] No way you won't improve on the 0.138 you're hitting
against Chicago with runners in scoring position.
[LAUGHS]
And Vaughn.
Oh, you've had a really tough year.
Even though your fast ball isn't what it used to be,
there's no one the fans in Cleveland would rather have
pitching the most important game
in Indians history than you.
The champagne is ready.
It's all in your hands.
Win tonight,
and the loser label is gone forever.
Go out there and win it for Cleveland,
win it for yourselves,
and win it for me.
That ought to shrink their little sphincters.
HARRY: Bottom of the 9th here in the Windy City.
The Tribe clinging to a 6-to-4 lead,
one out away from winning the American League
Championship Series for the first time in club history.
Vaughn trying to close it out,
has taken Jack Parkman to a full count
with two men on.
Baker with a sign.
Vaughn shakes him off.
He's afraid of his fastball.
He's screwed.
You're screwed, Vaughn.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Vaughn's got the one he wants now.
WOMAN: Pitch it!
And here's the pitch.
Parkman swings
and pulverizes one to deep center field.
This ball has bye-bye written all over it,
and the White Sox win, 7-to-6.
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD CHEERING]
All right, big Jack.
Strike!
RUBE: Home!
Safe.
Sayonara.
[GRUNTING]
Don't let it get you down, Rube. It was just one throw.
Yeah, I know,
but it got me thinking.
Even Playboy's not working anymore.
Don't worry, Rube.
We'll come up with something.
Now, why don't you grab yourself a shower, okay?
[GROANS]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
[KNOCKING CONTINUES]
Hey, Skip.
Sure. Come on in.
What's up?
You know, Rick,
I may have to use you tomorrow in the late innings.
Pitching staff's pretty overworked.
Yeah. So?
I'll be ready.
Ready, huh?
Ready to what?
Run and hide if the game's on the line?
I don't get it, Jake.
What's your problem?
You're the problem.
You used to be the toughest guy on this team.
Now you're trying to prop yourself up with the right woman
or the right shrink or God knows what else.
You want to be a major league pitcher?
You have to find something in yourself that's yours
and nobody else's.
You had that once, Rick.
And if I were you, I'd spend the rest
of the night trying to find it again.
Without it, you're no good to me or the team.
[♪♪♪]
What an ***.
What an amazing ***.
I thought he was my friend.
Why is everybody so threatened
by me improving myself?
What an ***.
Hey, you're looking good, Lou.
Forget about me, I'm fine.
You got to talk to the team, Jake.
Give 'em hell.
Let them know they're too damn good
to roll over and play dead.
Yeah, will do, Skip, and, uh, hey...
we'll win this one for you.
Hey-- Hey, Taylor.
Hm?
Promise me one thing.
Sure. What?
When you talk to the team,
don't give them one of them corny
let's-win-one-for-Lou speeches.
I couldn't stand that.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, promise.
Give 'em hell tonight, Schoupie.
Look alive there, Pedro.
Rube, I want you to give this catalogue a try.
I think you'll like the writing.
Thanks.
"Fredericks of Hollywood"?
All right, everybody listen up.
I didn't want to have to tell you this,
but Lou's going under the knife tomorrow.
Yeah.
He's not doing so good.
Doctor told me
he might not make it at all.
As a matter of fact,
there's a good chance that this game tonight
might be his last experience on this Earth.
He had a hard time talking,
but he did say this:
"Win this one for me.
"I might as well have a little taste of heaven now,
just in case I'm not headed there."
Hell!
When a man's lights are about to go out,
the fat lady can't sing if it's not over!
Yeah!
Come on!
[ALL CHATTERING]
Let's go.
You okay, Pedro?
That was beautiful, man.
It made me realize that there are more important things
in life than baseball.
I love you, man.
Oh, no.
[CROWD CHEERING]
HARRY: How you doing, everybody?
Harry Doyle here welcoming all you fanatic featherheads
to the American League Championship Series,
where, tonight, the comeback kids of the Cuyahoga
will begin their quest toward a World Series berth
for the first time since 1954.
Out to spoil the fun are those pale hosers
from the Windy City,
who squeaked by the Tribe
a year ago in the playoffs
and lucked out again in the World Series.
What else can you say about these White Sox except
at least they're not from Canada.
Guys, just think, after tonight,
we'll be going to the World Series.
Yeah, in Chicago.
Schoup ready for the opening pitch now.
Winds and fires to Termini.
Swung on and missed,
and we're under way.
Oh, no.
Baker threw the ball down to third.
I guess he felt Wilcox
didn't get enough infield practice?
Anyway, Schoup ready again.
Winds and comes to Termini.
High, and the count is even at 1-and-1.
Son, you throw that ball down there again
with nobody on,
you're going to make me very unhappy.
MAN: Throw the damn ball!
The tulip lace bra
has ruffled underwired cups,
creating a curvier you,
for evening's bare neckline.
Whoo! Yeah!
So Baker finally gets one back to the pitcher.
Matching crotchless *** are also available.
Bottom of the 1st, two down,
Dowling in scoring position at second.
Bucek comes set, fires to Cerrano.
Swung on and popped up,
and that'll do it.
Bottom of the 3rd, still nothing-nothing.
Tanaka at the plate
as Baker leads away from second.
[♪♪♪]
Bucek into the stretch, delivers.
Tanaka swings
and lines a base hit to left field.
Baker around third. They're waving him home.
Belmonti up.
Baker dives!
Oh, shoot.
[CROWD CHEERING]
And the Indians lead 1-to-nothing.
Oh, shut up.
It's only one run.
[♪♪♪]
Top of the 4th as Parkman leads away from first,
Beck from second.
Schoup comes to the stretch.
Delivers to Shaw.
There's a swing and a drive to deep right field.
It's off the fence.
Cerrano up with it.
Beck's gonna score.
Here comes Parkman around third.
The relay from Miller.
They've got Parkman nailed.
[PANTING]
[BOTH GRUNT]
The ball comes loose,
and the White Sox take the lead, 2-to-1.
Welcome to the big leagues, Hayseed.
Next time don't stand on the tracks
when the train's coming through.
Bottom of the 4th. Cerrano swings
and misses and strikes out again.
Whoo, that's a good pitch.
Top of the 5th,
Sox threatening again here.
Bases loaded,
two outs, 3-and-2 on Dawson.
Schoup has to throw a strike.
The runners will be moving on the pitch.
Here it is.
And Dawson drives one to deep center.
This is trouble.
Way back toward the wall.
Hayes racing.
Still going at the track.
He's got it!
Not this time.
And the Indians dodge a three-run bullet.
What a catch by Hayes.
Two down, bottom of the 5th,
2-and-1 on Hayes,
trying to pick up Miller from third.
Hey, Black Hammer,
read some of your reviews, man.
One guy said Willie Mays Hayes couldn't play dead.
[CHUCKLES]
Bucek, the big Chicago left-hander,
winds, fires...
High. Ball 3 to Hayes.
He also said the stunts were a joke.
You do your own stunts,
or were you afraid of getting hurt?
If I get the chance to score,
we'll see who's afraid.
I don't intend to slide.
You don't?
You better, little man.
Just 'cause your movie bombed
doesn't mean you have to commit suicide.
Hayes waits for the 3-0 delivery.
Low. Ball 4.
I'll be home soon, honey.
I'll be waiting, sweetheart.
So Bucek walks Hayes,
putting runners at the corners as Baker comes to the plate
with the Indians still trailing 2-to-1.
That little sheep back home probably misses you, huh, Rube?
[BAAS]
The runners take their leads.
Bucek checks, comes to the plate,
Baker swings and lines a drive
to the left field corner.
It's off the wall.
Belmonti up with it. Miller scores.
Hayes flying around third.
Here comes the throw.
Come on! Aah!
Sucker!
Hayes scores!
And the Indians lead 3-to-2.
[CROWD CHEERING]
I told you I wasn't gonna slide.
You got a long way to go, peckerhead.
That's Mr. Peckerhead to you, pal. Ah!
Yeah, baby.
Hah-hah! Now we're starting to roll, boys!
Are you all right?
Oh, yeah. I love this British stuff.
General Spenser-Ewell was a patient
of your Uncle Richard's.
Arthur and I dined...
Top of the 7th. 3-2 Indians.
But the White Sox have runners at the corners.
Schoup is 2-and-1 to Parkman.
Parkman doing his little shimmy.
It makes the women here in Cleveland puke.
MAN: All right, Schoup!
Schoup delivers.
Parkman swings and hammers a long drive
to deep left center field.
Back goes Hayes, way back.
It's gone.
Damn.
[♪♪♪]
Yes! Yes! Parkman, you stud!
And Parkman puts the Sox back on top,
5-to-3.
[CROWD BOOING]
You scumbag bum! Sit down!
See? I told ya.
Bring out the tarp. Cover the field.
I can't watch this anymore.
It's over.
Turn the lights out. Let's get the bulldozers in here
and turn this place into a parking lot.
WOMAN [ON TV]: That his elderly mother...
This is tragic stuff.
HARRY: Bottom of the 8th, two down,
Campbell at first.
The Indians trailing by two,
down to their last four outs.
Taylor's got to get something done here,
or he'll have the bottom of the order in the 9th.
Dorn.
Yeah?
This guy, he used to pitch you inside, didn't he?
Get a bat and step into one.
Let him hit you with the ball.
I need another runner out there.
Are you crazy?
The only way you're gonna get in the game.
Come on, Roger, take one for the team.
TEAM: Come on, Rog.
Go on. Get in there.
That-a-boy.
And Taylor is sending up... Roger Dorn?
Dorn is 0 for the century against this guy,
but has several foul tips.
So Dorn inches in and gets ready to face Bucek.
Here's the pitch.
Oh, God!
Oh! And Dorn is hit right in the back.
And the Indians catch a break.
They'll have runners at first and second
with Dorn representing the tying run.
Pinch runner.
No.
[MOANING]
God, that hurts.
Markley, get in there and run for Dorn.
Mm-mm.
[SIGHS]
[HUMMING]
Dorn.
So Dorn gets his first hit of the season,
although it doesn't look like he's ready to leave yet.
Dorn.
Taylor may have to call the cops out here.
Dorn!
[WHIMPERS]
PLAYER: All right, Dorn.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
Nice game.
Well, Dorn finally leaves after putting on
a very impressive exhibition of stretching.
And that brings up the potential go-ahead run
in the person of Pedro Cerrano.
Pedro's left a small village on the base paths tonight.
Parkman, my good friend, how you doing?
Look at the scoreboard, Buddha. I'm doing fine.
CROWD: Pedro! Pedro!
Pedro! Pedro!
Pedro! Pedro!
HARRY: Bucek's set at the belt.
Delivers.
Swung on and missed.
Ooh.
And Cerrano is down a strike.
This guy is not messing around.
He's going right after Pedro.
From the stretch. He's ready.
Fires.
Strike.
Whoa, that had some quickness.
So two straight heaters,
and Cerrano is down to his last strike.
[MARBLES SHAKING]
TEAM [HUMMING]: Ohh...
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, you guys.
Cerrano back in the box.
That last pitch, man.
That was beautiful.
Bucek has his sign and comes set,
here's the pitch to Cerrano.
He swings and drives one into deep left center.
Way back! Going...
going...
gone!
To the upper deck!
Yes!
Not as beautiful as that, though.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪♪♪]
Way to go, Pedro. Big knock, baby. Big knock.
And the Indians lead 6-to-5.
Look at that scoreboard now,
Grasshopper.
Oh, my God.
Three more outs,
So what?
They'll blow it in the 9th.
MAN: I'm sick of you...
Hey, you jerkoffs.
We're in the 9th.
Two down, 2-and-1 to Termini.
Once again the Indians one out away
from the American League Championship.
Here's the pitch.
Ball 3.
And Schoup is now only one pitch away
from putting the go-ahead run on.
You gotta love this kind of excitement,
don't you, Monte?
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Here's the pitch.
Ball 4. And the Sox have two aboard
with Beck coming up,
who already has a two-run double tonight.
Come on.
Time!
[CROWD BOOS]
You ain't got nobody left, Taylor!
You're Old Mother Hubbard
and only bones in the cupboard.
Thanks.
Outstanding game, Schoupie. You fought them all the way.
Can't believe I walked that Punch-and-Judy hitter.
We'll get them for you.
Give me Vaughn.
You mean Rick Vaughn?
Yeah.
He's pitching to Beck, not Parkman.
He wants the righty.
The vile thing.
The grab-your-throat and-choke thing!
RICK: Blow it out your ***, lard-mouth.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Oh, my God. It's him.
Crank it, Jerry.
[X'S "WILD THING" PLAYING]
Oh, no.
Not that *** song again.
The bad seed is back!
It's Wild Thing!
Aah!
♪ Wild Thing ♪
♪ You make My heart sing ♪
♪ You make everything ♪
♪ Groovy ♪
♪ Come on, Wild Thing ♪
Yeah!
Nice look. Welcome back, Vaughn.
Good to be back.
Okay. Now, Beck likes them on the outer half,
so jam him.
I want Parkman.
JAKE: Parkman's not up. Beck's the hitter.
And load the bases for Parkman?
What are you, nuts?
I want Parkman.
♪ Wild thing ♪
♪ You make My heart sing ♪
All right. Go get him, Rick.
♪ You make everything ♪
♪ Groovy ♪
Hey, when the tough get going,
the going get tough.
[CHEERING]
HECKLER: Okay, Ricky, baby.
Time for some serious cheese.
The Roquefort rocket.
The brie bullet.
The parmesan pellet.
Yeah!
HARRY: So in a surprise move,
Vaughn is on the pitch here.
Ball 1!
And they're gonna walk Beck to get to Parkman.
Obviously, Taylor's thinking--
I don't know what the hell he's thinking.
[♪♪♪]
New haircut,
same dead arm.
And there's ball 4,
and Beck trots to first.
So they're loaded for Jack Parkman,
who's hitting just over 0.900 against Vaughn.
Parkman homered the last time he faced him.
ANNOUNCER: Now batting,
number 15,
Jack Parkman.
[♪♪♪]
[CROWD CHEERING]
You wanted him, you got him, man.
Okay, Rick. Let's get nasty.
HARRY: Vaughn looking for the sign.
And he's got it.
Swung on and missed! Strike 1!
And he had something on that baby.
Ooh.
Boy's pumped up.
Looks like I'm gonna have to get serious.
Vaughn back on the slab.
Baker gives him the sign.
Vaughn ready, and here it comes.
[GRUNTS]
Swung on and foul to the screen.
And Parkman wasn't fooled on that one.
Oh, he just missed it.
JACK: I got your timing now.
But I'll bet you don't have enough hair on your ***
to throw me another one.
RICK: Well, here it comes, Parkman.
Old number one, the Terminator.
You get a piece of it,
you can rename it.
Blow this chump away.
Stay with the smoke, Rick. Just go after him.
Mr. Parkman, you're a great ball player,
and I'd just like to say
you're standing on the tracks,
and the train's coming through, butthead.
To hell with the signals.
Bring it here, Ricky.
So Vaughn is nothing-and-2 to Parkman.
[♪♪♪]
Aah!
And the Indians win it! It's all over!
The Indians win it!
[TEAM CHEERING, HOOTING]
[♪♪♪]
***.
Son of a ***.
Damn. I gotta get out of this business.
Oh.
That-a-boy, Rick!
I knew you could do it!
I knew you could do it!
Yeah!
I love this ***, and I may move to England!
[SHOUTS]
[CHEERING]
I told you we'd win!
I told you in spring training we'd win!
Yay!
Indians!
Aah!
Yeah!
We're going to the World Series now!
[BOTH SHOUTING]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah!
[GRUNTS]
There is no God.
Yeah!
We did it! We did it!
Hey, what's up? Yeah, baby.
Yeah! All right. Thank you. Thanks.
You were so wonderful out there, Rick.
The General Cereals reps are here.
Great game, Rick. We'd like to offer you a three-year--
I'm sorry, fellas, but you got the wrong guy.
I'm sure you make a great cereal,
but I like my hair the way it is
and I don't get up in time to eat breakfast anyway.
Rick, what are you saying?
You're a great gal, Flannery,
much too good for me.
Take a hike.
Nikki, hold it.
Nikki, look, I know I was a jerk the other night,
but I want to make it up to you.
Don't let him sweet talk you, Miss R.
I got World Series tickets for the kids,
dugout boxes.
Take him back. I mean, I forgive him.
Thank you. I'm sure these guys will really
be happy with the tickets.
Congratulations.
Wait, Nikki.
I want you to come out with me and celebrate
for an hour,
a year.
Whatever. Just come out with me.
All right.
What do you say we start with an hour?
[STEVIE RAY VAUGHAN'S "THE HOUSE IS ROCKIN'" PLAYING]
♪ Well ♪
♪ The house is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ If the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ If the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother, Come on in ♪
♪ Kick off your shoes ♪
♪ Start losin' the blues ♪
♪ This old house ♪
♪ Ain't got Nothin' to lose ♪
♪ See, we'll all be here ♪
♪ Start spreadin' ' The news ♪
♪ We got a-room On the floor ♪
♪ Come on, baby Shake something loose ♪
♪ Yeah, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Well, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Well, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother, Come on in ♪
♪ Well, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Yeah, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother, Come on in ♪
♪ Walkin' up the street ♪
♪ You can hear the sound ♪
♪ Of some bad ***-tonkers ♪
♪ Really laying it down ♪
♪ They've seen it all For years ♪
♪ And got nothin' to lose ♪
♪ So get out on the floor ♪
♪ Shimmy till you shake Something loose ♪
♪ Yeah, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Well, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother knockin' ♪
♪ Well, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother, Come on in ♪
♪ I said, the house Is a-rockin' ♪
♪ Don't bother, Come on in ♪
[JIMMIE VAUGHAN'S "BOOM-BAPA-BOOM" PLAYING]
♪ Whoa Boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa Boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom ♪
♪ Bapa boom ♪
♪ At a glance I looked at you ♪
♪ Just as fast I felt brand-new ♪
♪ Oh, you ♪
♪ Look at you ♪
♪ If I made A pass at you ♪
♪ Well, would you say That we were through? ♪
♪ Oh, you ♪
♪ Look at you ♪
♪ Oh, treat yourself right ♪
♪ Come with me ♪
♪ Say, "I do" ♪
♪ Singin' Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom ♪
♪ Bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom ♪
♪ Bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom bapa boom ♪
♪ Whoa, boom ♪
♪ Bapa boom ♪