Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
(RED DWARF THEME)
-Cat? -Mmm?
-You ever see The Flintstones? -Sure.
Do you think Wilma's sexy?
Wilma Flintstone?
Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long,
but every time I see that show, her body drives me crazy. Is it me?
I think, in all probability,
Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived.
That's good. I thought I was going strange.
She's incredible.
-What do you think of Betty? -Betty Rubble?
Well, I would go with Betty,
but I'd be thinking of Wilma.
This is crazy.
Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone?
You're right. We're nuts.
This is an insane conversation.
She'll never leave Fred and we know it.
Holly, clipboard and pen, please.
-Well, Krytie, today's the day. -But, sir, I'm just not ready.
I mean, six weeks, it's just not long enough.
-10:30. Name? -You know my name.
Look, if this comes off, it'll be a whole new lease of life for both of us.
We'll be independent. We've got to do it by the book.
It's just when you go into official mode,
-my anxiety chip goes into overdrive. -Name?
(STUTTERING)
I'll just put Kryten.
Can you see that space vehicle?
Where? Oh, that one. Yes, sir.
And can you read the registration for me, please?
Starbug 1?
Right, if you'd like to show me to your vehicle, please.
Right, in your own time, if you'd like to start the space vehicle,
proceed through the cargo bay doors and off into outer space.
(SWITCHES CLICKING)
Once through the doors, proceed directly to the nearest planet.
Once there, I want you to bring the vehicle to a halt
and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit
remembering, of course, at all times to pay due care and attention
to any other space users.
Right, in your own time.
(SWITCHES CLICKING)
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
(WHOOSHING)
In your own time.
-I've failed, haven't I? -Just proceed.
You're going to hold it against me, aren't you? That one mistake.
Please.
-KRYTEN: Anti-grav, check. -(SWITCHES CLICKING)
Retro, check.
Boosters, check.
And, very gently, ease forward.
(WHOOSHING)
(CRASHING)
I think there's something wrong with the gearbox.
The thing is, I learnt to drive in Starbug 2.
I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1.
-They're exactly the same. -Yes. That's the problem.
Next, I'd like you to transfer to autopilot
while we conduct the recognition...
(GEARS GRINDING)
...tests.
Engage autopilot.
Autopilot engaged. Well, I say autopilot,
it's not really autopilot, is it? It's me.
It's muggins here who has to do it.
Right, what's that one?
KRYTEN: Heavy traffic. Keep to your assigned space-lane.
-That one? -Danger. Space mirages ahead.
Stopping distances.
You're travelling half the speed of light. What is the stopping distance?
Four years, three months.
-And the thinking time? -A fortnight.
-Space phenomena. What's that? -A pulsar.
-And that one? -A binary star.
-What's that one? -A time hole!
-Don't help him. -It's a time hole.
No, it isn't. It's nothing like a time hole.
HOLLY: It's a time hole! KRYTEN: It is! It's a time hole!
A time hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space,
which legend would have us believe
transports us into another part of space and time.
Whereas that is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova.
That is a time hole.
Right, what's this?
(TIME HOLE ROARING)
I suppose you're going to fail me for this.
(OUTBOARD MOTOR REVVING)
KRYTEN: What is this place?
Holly, is it possible? Could this be Earth?
Certainly seems that way.
Constellations match. Gravity exactly one G.
What's the time period?
Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly,
but, according to all the available data, I would estimate it's round about
lunchtime, maybe half one.
What period in history, dingleberry-breath?
I mean, can we expect to see Genghis Khan
and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill?
Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure?
What is the year?
Well, I'd need some more data before I could give you a precise answer.
Like?
Well, this year's calendar would be handy.
KRYTEN: I've never been to Earth before. I've only seen it on photographs.
It's exactly like I always imagined, only much shorter.
RIMMER: "Nodnol, 871 selim."
Nodnol? Where's Nodnol?
KRYTEN: It's London. "London 178 miles." It's backwards.
RIMMER: Shh! A truck.
KRYTEN: Ooh, it's probably gonna hit that box.
There's a perfectly rational explanation for all this.
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
Then again, possibly not.
(HORNS HONKING)
RIMMER: Holly, what the smeg is going on?
KRYTEN: Things are going backwards.
HOLLY: It's perfectly consistent with current theory.
Everything starts with a big ***, right?
And the universe starts expanding.
Eventually, when it's expanded as far as it can,
there's the big crunch, right, and everything starts contracting.
It's perfectly possible
that time starts running in the opposite direction, as well.
RIMMER: So, is this Earth?
HOLLY: Oh, it's Earth, all right. Only Earth where time's going backwards.
(BOTH SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
-What are you doing? -Well, you said look inconspicuous.
Don't be idiotic.
But if people see my face, what are they going to think?
Tell them you had an accident.
Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out.
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
-I got a newspaper. -What's the year?
-3991. -No, it's 1993. It's backwards.
I'll switch to reverse mode.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
"Three brought to life in bank raid. A masked man with a sawn-off shotgun
"sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard
"in a south London bank tomorrow.
"The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept £10,000,
"which he demanded they place in the bank's vaults.
"The man, Michael Ellis,
"completed a 15-year prison sentence for the crime two years ago."
-What does that say? -Oh, it's an advert.
"Roll-off deodorant.
"Keeps you... Keeps you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours."
What are we going to do? This place is totally crazy.
There's nothing we can do till the others find us.
We'd better get a job.
But what jobs are there in a backwards reality
for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty ***?
Here's the jobs page. This looks interesting.
"Wanted. Managing director, ICI. Excellent demotion prospects.
"Right candidate could go straight to the bottom."
Something a bit more low-key.
"Busy London restaurant requires dish dirtier"?
-Anything else? -Ah, this looks interesting.
"Theatrical agent requires novelty acts."
-What do we do that's a novelty? -In this world, everything.
Three weeks we've been doing this.
Well, we'll do it till we find them.
We ain't gonna find them. They're gone, buddy.
But look on the bright side... They're gone, buddy!
Don't you care about anyone but yourself?
Hell, no. I don't even care about you.
The way I see it, if Goalpost-head and Freak-face
want to get themselves lost, that's their bag.
I don't see why it should cut into my preening time.
You realise with all this rescue stuff, I haven't permed my leg hairs in a week?
-I'm a wreck. -You perm your leg hairs?
Only as an aid to the natural curl.
Fasten your belt.
Hey, I do not need fashion tips from you.
Your safety belt! Look.
-Is that what I think it is? -What do you think it is?
An orange whirly thing in space.
It's a time hole. That's where they are.
-We're going in. -Are you crazy? You can't go in there!
-Why not? -Orange with this suit?
-Where are we? -I don't believe this.
According to the navi-com, this is Earth.
Engage cloak. I'm taking her down.
(STARBUG WHIRRING)
CAT: What'd you do that for?
LISTER: Well, we don't want to freak the natives.
Hey!
What's the matter?
I don't know. I think me ribs are cracked and me back.
-Is my eye bruised? -Yeah, it is.
What's that?
It's a homing device. It'll find their flight recorder.
(ELECTRONIC PULSING)
Yonder.
I'm home.
You find anything?
Well, the Bug's there, but they're not.
(LISTER SIGHS)
You're dry.
That's weird.
Let's take a look around. Maybe they left us a clue or something.
LISTER: What's this?
There they are, man.
They must have pinned this themselves, where they'll be.
-Do you speak Bulgarian? -Bulgarian? Me?
I can hardly speak English.
What's this?
"Nodnol." Hang on! Wait a minute!
Nodnol. Nod-nol.
-It's in Bulgaria, isn't it? -Are you sure?
Absolutely. Geography was my number one subject at school.
Nodnol, Bulgaria. Rich in animal produce and mineral wealth,
-just south of Bosnia. -And what's "selim"?
Well, that's obviously Bulgarian for kilometres, isn't it?
You're so smart. I'm glad I came with you.
Well, we are the smart party.
(CAT BEATBOXING)
LISTER: (RAPPING) # I didn't come here looking for trouble.
# I just came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle
CAT: # He's smart
BOTH: # He's smart #
LISTER: Let's find some transport.
Come on. Let's go, come on!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(MAN SHOUTS)
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
Bye, suckers! You lost your bike!
Shh! Start pedalling, man! Start pedalling!
Hey, what's happening here? Get this thing in forward gear!
It is in forward gear!
CAT: Stop! Stop!
No more. I'm not moving another yard on this thing.
I'm getting a parting in the back of my head.
It's these cheap Bulgarian bikes.
You probably have to queue up for a year to get this piece of crap.
You probably have to be a government official to get one that goes forwards.
Yo, matey. Excuse me. Excuse me.
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
I don't speak any Bulgarian. Do you speak English?
We're looking for our friend.
Erm... Friend-ski.
Our bud-ski? Pal-ski?
Well, there's an address-ski here-ski.
Can you, erm, drop us off-ski?
-Rock 'n' roll! -Thank-ski ver-ski much-ski, bud-ski.
CAT: Hey! Hey! Hey! We're moving in the right direction now.
(DOG BARKING BACKWARDS)
This is the place.
My eye!
Me back feels like it's been cut to ribbons!
CAT: Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan!
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Ladies and gentlemen, olleh, olleh, olleh.
Welcome to the show!
(ALL LAUGHING)
"Welcome to the show." That's a joke?
For our first trick tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
my partner, Kryten, will attempt to eat a boiled egg
forwards.
(ALL GASPING)
(ALL CHEERING)
This is entertainment to these people? It's pathetic.
They're Bulgarian. They have very simple tastes.
I have it. It's a moron convention.
Hey, check the cloakroom. If there are 20 jackets, all white,
with arms that tie behind the neck, you know I'm right.
And what better way to round off a meal, ladies and gentlemen,
than by drinking a glass of water? Kryten!
Whoa, stick around. They're building up to a big climax.
(ALL CLAPPING)
We are the Sensational Reverse Brothers, ladies and gentlemen.
We shall see you last night!
Let's get a drink and go backstage. Hello? Excuse me?
Can I have two pints of bitter, please?
Bitter. Two pints.
She can't understand you, bud. You're wasting your time.
Yo, matey, what's that you're drinking there?
You know, drinking? Beer-ski?
(SPEAKS BACKWARDS)
Ah, "ehrskib." Two pints of ehrskib, please.
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
Two.
-Was that difficult? -No.
We're the smart party!
(BARTENDER SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
This isn't Bulgaria. Look at that menu.
"Unem." It's English, but backwards. Everything's backwards.
-Everything's backwards? -Yeah.
Right!
Well, you know what they say. When in Rome, do as the Snamor do.
(CHUCKLING)
-Up the hatch. -Booties down.
(SIGHING BACKWARDS)
What do you mean, you don't want to leave?
-We're happy here. -We've found a niche.
We're the Sensational Reverse Brothers.
We've only been here three weeks and we're a big hit.
-Rimmer, everything is backwards. -We've got used to it.
It's true. Once you get over the initial shock,
things actually make a lot more sense this way round.
There's no death here.
You start off dead, you have a funeral, then you come to life.
As each year passes, you get younger and younger
until you become a newborn baby. Then you go back inside your mother,
who goes back inside her mother and so on
until eventually we all become one glorious whole.
Rimmer, you already are one glorious hole.
-You've totally flipped, man. -We want to stay.
But we can't stay. Look, I'm 25 now. In 10 years' time, I'll be 15.
I'll have to go through puberty again. Backwards.
Imagine that. Your gajimbas will suddenly rise back into your body
and, the next thing you know,
you're singing soprano in the school choir.
And worse than that, in 25 years,
I'll be a little *** swimming around in somebody's testicles.
I mean, pardon me, but that's just not how I saw my future.
I'm telling you, things are better this way.
It's our universe that's the wrong way round.
Take war. War is a wonderful thing here.
In 50 years' time, the Second World War will start backwards.
-And that's a good thing? -Millions of people will come to life.
Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland,
disband the Third Reich and bog off back to Austria.
We're smash hits here. We'd be crazy to leave.
Rimmer, we don't belong here. This place is crazy.
Crazy? Death, disease, famine. There's none of that here.
There's no crime.
The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us
and forced £50 into my wallet at knife point.
Okay, okay.
But look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good.
Take someone like, say, St Francis of Assisi.
In this universe, he's the petty-minded little ***
who goes around maiming small animals.
Or Santa Claus, what a ***!
Eh?
He's the big, fat git who sneaks down chimneys
and steals all the kids' favourite toys.
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
-What fight? We didn't start any fight? -What's he saying?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
We're fired! Something about a fight.
But you've been with us all night.
He says we'll never work the pub circuit again.
Oh, for smeg's sake, be reasonable!
(PUB OWNER SHOUTING BACKWARDS)
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
-Tell him about the contract thing. -Oh, yeah. The contract...
He can't just sack us like that.
(BOTH ARGUING BACKWARDS)
What's all that about?
I don't know. Rimmer in a fight? That's a laugh for a start.
-So, what's the plan? -I don't know. See what happens.
And if they don't change their minds, head back without them, I suppose.
My back!
We just gotta get out of here. This universe is just too disgusting.
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
What's the matter with him?
I think he's a bit teed off 'cause we've just uneaten his pie.
Unbelievable. We didn't start a fight.
Look, I'm sorry, man. We just... (EXCLAIMS)
-CAT: Are you all right? -My black eye!
It's gone. He just sucked it off me face with his fist!
(GROANS)
-Now he's just uncracked me ribs! -We don't want any trouble.
No, no. You don't understand. All this mess, all this debris.
This is from the fight we got fired for!
This is from a fight we're about to have.
About to have? I don't want to be involved in a barroom brawl.
It's not a barroom brawl. It's a barroom tidy.
Unrumble!
(SHOUTING BACKWARDS)
Where are you going, you coward?
I've just worked out what happens to me back.
(LISTER EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
Please, mate, have your tooth back.
Good one, gentlemen. Thanks for your support.
I've forgotten something.
(SPEAKING BACKWARDS)
What the hell? It's for a good cause.
How much is that, matey?
-Oh, aye, yeah! -CABBIE: Oi!
Tight git!
You know, it could have worked. It really could.
Where's the Cat?
He won't be long, he's...you know, in the bushes.
We've got to stop him!
Don't ask.
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #