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The more things change, the more they they the same. Unless they change too much, in
which case a line has bee crossed and there’s hell to pay. While everyone complains constantly
about samey and overplayed tropes, the moment something goes a little off the rails, all
of those complaints fall away in a chorus of THEY CHANGED IT NOW IT SUCKS. Behold, The
King of Fighters XII: the scion of one of the most storied lineages in the pantheon
of punching. Twelve games down the road, it’s time for a change. Not so drastic as Maximum
Impact, though; we’ll stay in 2D, thank you very much. But let’s shake things up.
Wait, Wait. Wait. Hold the phone. Hold the no longer a Mario sound phone. The hell’s
up with arcade mode? Time trials? TIME TRIALS? This isn’t a race, it’s a fighting game!
Who cares how long it takes you to win, so long as you win! But no, the traditional story-infused
arcade mode - a series of fights, maybe some banter interspersed between rounds - is out
the second-story window, in favor of a series of five three-on-three bouts, with time of
the essence. So essential, in fact, that you can re-fight each bout once just to try to
improve your time. I know! What the hell’s all that about? Of course, your reward for
impressive time is: achievements. And that’s about it.
Awright. We might be able to tolerate the weird arcade mode, because it’s for head-to-head
fighting and anyone playing against the computer is antisocial and afraid of laying it on the
line online. Wait. The online’s crappy too? And no one plays it? Well, scrap that. Back
to the arcade mode! I suppose we can make the best of MY LIFE WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO
SPEAK ENGLISH. Honestly, there’s a reason I’m not a Shonen Knife fan, and they’ve
hit the nail on the head. Sure, you dub the entire cast, but not the NEWSCAST. I’m beginning
to lose faith. At least the graphics are... Huge and extremely pixellated. And man, does
Kim look pissed. He’s supposed to be a warrior of justice! The feet that destroy evil with
a single kick! That just looks like he had a particularly dicey burrito and he needs
a caplet. Not to mention those French people indulging their gluttony behind him. Because
that’s exactly what this game needed, some racial stereotypes. Man, even then, the backgrounds
look infinitely better than the characters. This may be the only fighting game where cornering
your foe has the side-effect of making them almost impossible to see, thanks to overenthusiastic
shadow effects. This isn’t a D&D game, my opponents shouldn’t get STEALTH ROLLS.
So. The graphics are large, not particularly good, and obfuscated by their own overzealous
effects, the vocals are grating, the online is a barren wasteland of irrepsonsive, and
the offline is a right abomination. I’d say there’s a reason this game never made
the impact of, say, Super Street Fighter 4 or BlazBlue, but I seem to have given closer
to half a dozen. Heck, it doesn’t even come with a series-retrospective soundtrack. No
extras, no story, no character information, nothing. Oh well. Even the best series have
their missteps. So here it is, the Hotel Mario of King of Fighters. The Mystic Quest of KoF.
Walk away. Just walk away, return to your Street Fighters and Guilty Gears and tireless
countdowns to the release of Skullgirls. Or, heck, just play KOF XIII. That’s fine too.