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* IT SEEMS TODAY THAT ALL YOU SEE *
* IS VIOLENCE IN MOVIES AND SEX ON TV *
* BUT WHERE ARE THOSE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED VALUES *
* ON WHICH WE USED TO RELY?
* LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY GUY
* LUCKY THERE'S A MAN WHO POSITIVELY CAN DO *
* ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE US
* LAUGH AND CRY
* HE'S... A... FAM... ILY... GUY! *
(sexy music plays)
BOY, THAT LOTION SURE FEELS GOOD.
IT SURE IS HOT.
AND IT JUST GOT HOTTER.
HERE, NOW LET ME DO YOU.
(giggles)
Announcer: PAWTUCKET PATRIOT BEER--
IF YOU BUY IT, HOT WOMEN WILL HAVE SEX IN YOUR BACKYARD.
AAH. TYPICAL MALE FANTASY--
WOMEN DRINKING BEER.
I GUARANTEE YOU, A MAN MADE THAT COMMERCIAL.
OF COURSE A MAN MADE IT--
IT'S A COMMERCIAL, LOIS
NOT A DELICIOUS THANKSGIVING DINNER.
DAD, WE WON A BOAT!
WE WON A BOAT!
HA-HA!
HOLY CRAP! WE DID! WE WON A FREE FREAKIN' BOAT!
DAD, NOBODY GIVES THINGS AWAY FOR FREE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I KNOW PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO GIVE THINGS AWAY.
(all chanting): FREE TIBET! FREE TIBET!
I'LL TAKE IT.
HELLO, CHINA?
I HAVE SOMETHING YOU MAY WANT.
BUT IT'S GOING TO COST YOU.
THAT'S RIGHT,ALLTHE TEA.
I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH.
YOU HAVE TO SIT THROUGH
ONE OF THOSE AWFUL TIMESHARE PRESENTATIONS.
OH, THAT'S A SMALL PRICE TO PAY.
I'M GOING TO BE THE FIRST ONE ON SPOONER STREET
TO HAVE HIS OWN BOAT.
WHOA, ALL HANDS ON DECK!
I'M GETTING A BOAT!
HEY, QUAGMIRE
I'M ALSO GETTING A BOAT, TOO.
RIGHT ON! WHOO!
I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY SEA LEGS!
YEAH!
WELL, AT LEAST I'LL BE THE FATTEST GUY
ON SPOONER STREET TO GET A BOAT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, I'M GETTING A BOAT!
AW, MAN. EVEN DELAREESE IS GETTING A BOAT.
THESE WONDERFUL HOMES ON THIS BEAUTIFULLY SECLUDED ISLAND
CAN BE YOURS WITH ALMOST NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
BEAUTIFUL ISLAND, NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY HERE
JUST BEAUTIFUL HOMES AND NOTHING ELSE.
EACH RESIDENCE HAS 200 FEET OF PRISTINE OCEANFRONT.
NO CITY NOISE, NO FLESH-EATING OGRES
NO POLLUTION.
OH, I HATE THESE HIGH-PRESSURE SALES SITUATIONS.
OH, THAT'S SO CUTE.
YOU'RE JUST AFRAID THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN
YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING STUPID
LIKE BUY THAT TIMESHARE
OR NOT REALIZE YOUR HUSBAND TAPED OVER OUR WEDDING VIDEO
WITH SOFT-CORE CABLE ***.
YOU TAPED OVER OUR WEDDING VIDEO?!
RELAX, LOIS. I JUST TAPED OVER THE BORING STUFF.
THE COUPLE HAS WRITTEN THEIR OWN VOWS
WHICH THEY WILL NOW RECITE TO EACH OTHER.
PETER, I...
LOOK, THE ONLY REASON I GOT MYSELF ARRESTED
WAS TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SISTER.
EXCUSE ME, LADIES. IT'S LAUNDRY TIME.
IT'S SO COLD IN HERE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT MY...
(all cheering)
OH, MY GOD, PETER.
I SENT A COPY OF THAT TAPE TO MY GREAT AUNT LIL.
THIS WEDDING IS HOT.
WAKE UP, DAMN IT!
WAKE UP!
HELLO, MR. AND MRS.... GRIFFIN.
I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY SO IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN
THIS CONTRACT WITHOUT READING IT I'LL TAKE YOUR BLANK CHECK
AND YOU WON'T NOT BE NOT LOVING YOUR TIMESHARE
BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
LOOK, SLICK, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BUY YOUR LOUSY TIMESHARE.
NOW WHERE'S MY BOAT?
HO-HO-HOLD ON.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE: YOU CAN HAVE THE BOAT
OR THE MYSTERY BOX.
WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY? WE'LL TAKE THE BOAT.
ON, NO. NOT SO FAST, LOIS.
A BOAT'S A BOAT, BUT THE MYSTERY BOX COULD BEANYTHING.
IT COULD EVEN BE A BOAT!
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE'VE WANTED ONE OF THOSE.
THEN LET'S JUST... WE'LL TAKE THE BOX.
(mockingly): "WE'LL TAKE THE BOX."
YOU GAVE UP A BOAT FOR FREE TICKETS TO A CRAPPY COMEDY CLUB.
COME ON, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER DONE SOMETHING STUPID.
YOU REMEMBER THE TIME I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET THAT BOAT?
A BOAT'S A BOAT, BUT THE MYSTERY BOX COULD BEANYTHING.
IT COULD EVEN BE A BOAT!
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE'VE WANTED ONE OF THOSE.
THEN LET'S JUST... WE'LL TAKE THE BOX.
PETER, THAT JUST HAPPENED TEN MINUTES AGO.
WHO CARES?
I'LL BET NOBODY TOOK THE BOAT.
WHO COULD RESIST THE CALL OF THE MYSTERY BOX?
YA-HOO!
HEY, LOOK AT ME! I'M THE MAN IN THE BOAT!
OH, RIGHT!
JOE, LOOK TO THE RIGHT.
IT'S THE GRIFFINS.
WE'RE NAUTICAL NOW, BABY.
THAT'S CALLED STARBOARD, BUT I'LL FORGIVE YOU
'CAUSE YOU SEX ME UP.
NOW, GIVE ME SOME SUGAR.
(moaning)
HEY, NEIGHBORS, WHERE'S YOUR BOAT?
WE DIDN'T TAKE THE BOAT.
WE TOOK THE MYSTERY BOX.
HOP IN.
HEY, QUAGMIRE
MAYBE THE COMEDIAN WILL TELL SOME JOKES ABOUT BOATS
OR BOATING OR OWNING A BOAT.
YEAH, OR MAYBE HE'LL TELL SOME JOKES ABOUT BEING A SUCKER.
OH, QUAGMIRE, YOU'RE WHAT THE SPANIARDS CALL"EL TERRIBLE."
WHAT ARE YOU SO UPSET ABOUT?
I NEVER EVEN KNEW YOU LIKED BOATS.
HEY, HEY, BOATING'S IN MY BLOOD.
EVER SINCE MY SINCE MY GREAT GRANDFATHER, HUCK GRIFFIN
RAFTED DOWN THE MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI.
WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!
I-I-I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOUR NAME.
THAT ISOURWORD!
YOU'VE GOT NO RIGHT USING IT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, I'M COOL. I'M COOL. NO PROBLEM.
COULD, COULD YOU PASS ME THE OAR, N-WORD JIM?
THANK YOU.
(slurring): DUH, THIS-THIS COMIC SUCKS.
HE-HE COULDN'T MAKE ME LAUGH
EVEN IF I WAS LAUGHING MY *** OFF
AND HE WAS MAKING ME DO IT, EH?
COME ON, SKINNY, MAKE ME LAUGH!
PETER, THAT'S A MICROPHONE STAND.
OH, OH, WELL, PARDON ME FOR THINKING A MICROPHONE STAND
IN A COMEDY CLUB SHOULD TELL A JOKE OR TWO.
I GUESS I'M JUST OLD-FASHIONED THAT WAY.
HI, WELCOME TO...
(fake laughing): VERY FUNNY!
EXCUSE ME, SIR, I HAVEN'T EVEN...
OH, OH, THAT ONE WAS HILARIOUS!
THAT WAS EVEN FUNNIER THAN YOUR FIRST JOKE.
HEY, PUT SKINNY BACK UP THERE.
PETER...
YOU THINK THIS IS EASY?
YOU WANT COME UP HERE AND TRY THIS?
I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
UH, PETER, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
YOU'VE NEVER HAD A LOT OF LUCK TELLING JOKES.
OKAY, OKAY.
HOW MANY DIRTY, STINKING APES DOES IT TAKE
TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?
THREE--
ONE DIRTY, STINKING APE TO SCREWINTHE LIGHTBULB
AND TWO DIRTY, STINKING APES TO THROW FECES AT EACH OTHER.
(laughing)
(rifles ***)
DON'T WORRY, I GOT IT UNDER CONTROL.
HEY, HEY, HEY ABOUT THAT ***, HUH?
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT STUFF DOES, HUH?
HUH?!
COME ON!
WHAT-WHAT ARE YOU, YOU PEOPLE STUPID?
(audience laughing)
AH, YOU LIKE A LITTLE ABUSE, HUH?
YEAH.
WELL, YOU GUYS ARE STUPID ANDUGLY.
IF THERE WAS A STUPID AND UGLY CONTEST
YOU'D ALL WIN!
OR LOSE.
WHICHEVER IS FUNNIER.
(clattering)
HEY, HEY, LOIS
WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOMAN WHO TAKES FOREVER
TO COOK BREAKFAST?
I SWEAR TO GOD, PETER...
YOU CALL HER LOIS.
(laughing)
(laughing)
WELL, THE FAT MAN MADE A FUNNY.
I RATHER ENJOYED THAT.
YES, YES.
YES, YOU COOK VERY SLOWLY!
AS A MATTER OF FACT
IF YOU WERE ANY SLOWER AT COOKING, YOU'D...
WELL, YOU WOULDN'T BE COOKING VERY FAST AT ALL, NOW WOULD YOU?
THAT ONE WASN'T VERY GOOD.
PETER, THEY WERE LAUGHING AT YOU
BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE YOU PEED YOURSELF
NOT BECAUSE THEY LIKED YOUR JOKES.
WELL, MAYBE THAT WAS PART OF MY ACT.
URINE HAPPENS TO BE VERY EDGY
BUT I GUESS AN UNFUNNY PERSON LIKE YOU
WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT.
OKAY, OKAY, I'VE GOT IT. I'VE GOT IT.
IF YOU COOKED ANY MORE SLOWLY
YOU WOULDN'T NEED AN EGG TIMER
YOU'D NEED AN EGG CALENDAR.
(laughing)
OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I WENT THERE.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, WAIT, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE ***?
SO YOU GOT SOMETHING TO LOOK AT WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO THEM?
(all laughing)
THAT'S A GOOD ONE, PETER.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR ALL RIGHT.
ARE YOU TELLING JOKES?
I LOVE JOKES.
OH, ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU'LLLOVETHIS ONE.
OKAY. WHY DO WOMEN HAVE ***?
SO YOU GOT SOMETHING TO LOOK AT
WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO THEM?
(laughing)
SO YOU GOT SOMETHING TO LOOK AT
WHILE YOU'RE TALKING TO THEM.
(laughing)
SO YOU GOT...
YOU-YOU, UH, YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, MR. WEED?
PETER, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
MR. GRIFFIN, I'M GLORIA IRONBOX.
I REPRESENT ONE OF YOUR COWORKERS, SARAH BENNETT.
SHE'S SUING YOU AND THE COMPANY FOR *** HARASSMENT.
SARAH? SARAH? I DON'T...
OH, IS SHE THE ONE WE VIDEOTAPED TAKING A DUMP?
WHY, WHAT HAPPENED?
*** HARASSMENT IS
A VERY SERIOUS CHARGE, MR. GRIFFIN.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, FIRST OF ALL, IF I CAN SPEAK IN MY OWN DEFENSE
ALL I DID WAS TELL A LITTLE JOKE.
SECOND OF ALL, WOMEN ARE NOT PEOPLE
THEY ARE DEVICES BUILT BY THE LORD JESUS CHRIST
FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT.
PETER, PLEASE!
MS. IRONBOX
I ASSURE YOU THIS COMPANY IN NO WAY CONDONES PETER'S CONDUCT.
IN FACT, A FILM ON EMPLOYEE RELATIONS HAS BEEN
A MANDATORY PART OF PERSONNEL TRAINING FOR 50 YEARS.
(cheerful music plays)
IRRATIONAL AND EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE BY NATURE
FEMALE COWORKERS ARE A PECULIAR ANIMAL.
THEY ARE VERY INSECURE ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE.
BE SURE TO TELL THEM HOW GOOD THEY LOOK EVERY DAY
EVEN IF THEY'RE HOMELY AND UNKEMPT.
YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB MURIEL
AND YOU'RE PRETTIER THAN MAMIE VAN DOREN.
AND REMEMBER, NOTHING SAYS "GOOD JOB" LIKE A FIRM
OPEN-PALM SLAP ON THE BEHIND.
MR. WEED, I TEACH A WORKPLACE SENSITIVITY TRAINING CLASS
FOR THE WOMEN'S ACTION COALITION.
IF MR. GRIFFIN COMPLETES MY COURSE
WE'LL DROP THE LAWSUIT.
I ASSURE YOU PETER WILL BE THERE.
HIS JOB DEPENDS ON IT.
GOOD. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
YOU KNOW, IF I WASN'T SO SURE YOU WERE A LESBIAN
I'D SAY YOU WERE COMING ON TO ME.
(crickets chirping)
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LET'S DO SOME ROLE-PLAYING.
I'LL BE THE OFFICE ASSISTANT.
MR. HENSON, YOU PLAY THE BOSS
AND WE'LL SEE WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED TONIGHT.
OKAY.
THE FILING IS DONE, MR. HENSON.
THANK YOU, MS. IRONBOX.
YOU ARE A VALUED MEMBER OF OUR BUSINESS TEAM
AND EVERY BIT AS IMPORTANT TO THIS COMPANY AS I AM.
EXCELLENT. MR. GRIFFIN
WHY DON'T YOU COME UP HERE AND GIVE IT A TRY.
ALL RIGHT.
THE FILING IS DONE, MR. GRIFFIN.
THANK YOU, MS. IRONBOX.
YOU ARE VALUED MEMBER OF OUR BUSINESS TEAM
AND I WILL GIVE YOU A RAISE TOMORROW
IF YOU COME TO WORK WITHOUT A SHIRT ON.
(gasps): MR. GRIFFIN!
I'M SORRY, THAT CAME OUT WRONG.
LET ME TRY AGAIN.
NICE ***.
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD I'VE SAID.
NOW THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I'VE HEARD EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID.
IT'S JUST, THERE'S SOME SUBTLETIES TO THE RULES
THAT AREN'T SO EASY TO UNDERSTAND.
HONK, HONK. OKAY, THAT'S IT!
OBVIOUSLY, NORMAL SENSITIVITY TRAINING
ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU.
NO, WE'RE... WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC.
JEEZ, A WEEK AT A WOMEN'S RETREAT.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THAT?
WELL, FACE IT, PETER, YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS WOMEN
ISN'T EXACTLY ENLIGHTENED.
OH, THAT'S A BAD MUD PUDDLE.
I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO STEP IN THAT
AND GET YOUR NICE SHOES ALL RUINED.
THERE WAS THAT TIME YOU GOT CAUGHT PEEPING
IN THE LADIES' LOCKER ROOM.
Peter: OKAY, MOVE THE TOWEL.
MOVE THE TOWEL.
OH... OH! OH!
THEY SPOTTED ME.
PETER, I THINK THIS WILL BE GOOD FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW, I LOVE YOU, BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I WISH
YOU WERE A LITTLE MORE SENSITIVE...
LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT... LOOK AT ME!
HELLO, LADIES.
I'M MS. WATSON, DIRECTOR OF THE RETREAT.
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME PETER GRIFFIN
WHO'S HERE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIS FEMININE SIDE.
THIS WORLD WOULD BE A FAR BETTER PLACE
IF THERE WERE MORE MEN LIKE HIM.
OKAY, OKAY, SO HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING.
I'LL BE CHARLIE, AND YOU CAN ALL BE MY ANGELS.
EXCEPT YOU.
YOU BE BOSLEY.
WE WOMEN HAVE SO MUCH STRENGTH INSIDE US.
IF WE CAN ENDURE THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH
JUST IMAGINE WHAT ELSE WE'RE CAPABLE OF.
THAT IS SO TRUE. RIGHT ON, SISTER!
WAH-WAH-WAH.
COME ON, IT'S ONLY CHILDBIRTH.
HOW MUCH COULD IT HURT?
PETER, IT'S LIKE TAKING YOUR BOTTOM LIP
AND STRETCHING IT OVER YOUR HEAD
TO THE BACK OF YOUR NECK.
HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME HORROR STORIES?
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH
WHEN LOIS WAS PREGNANT.
(retching)
* Come and knock on our door *
* Come and knock on our door *
* We've been waiting for you
* We've been waiting for you
(retching)
(turns volume way up)
* Where the kisses are hers and hers and his *
* Three's company, too.
WOMEN ARE CONDITIONED TO FEEL
COMPETITIVE WITH OTHER WOMEN
WHEN WE SHOULD BE SUPPORTIVE.
LIZZIE, I KNOW YOU FEEL ALONE
AND UNATTRACTIVE SINCE YOUR HUSBAND LEFT YOU
BUT YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL PERSON
AND I AM HERE FOR YOU.
NOTICE I'M MAKING PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH HER
IN ORDER TO ESTABLISH A CONNECTION.
YOU'D MAKE EVEN MORE OF A CONNECTION
IF YOU HUGGED HER, TOO.
VERY GOOD, PETER.
THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S IT.
NOW, RUB HER BACK.
OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
YEAH, YEAH, COMFORT HER.
YEAH. OH, OH, YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU?
NO, IT'S, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY TO LIKE IT.
IT'S VERY NATURAL.
OKAY, GOOD. GOOD. NOW, SMELL HER A LITTLE.
I CAN'T DO IT.
YES, YOU CAN.
TRUST YOUR SISTERS.
JUMP INTO THE TRUST QUILT.
Women: JUMP! JUMP! TRUST US!
WE LOVE YOU! WE'LL CATCH YOU!
OKAY, ME NEXT, ME NEXT!
OKAY, LADIES, I'M GOING TO START
WITH A GREG LOUGANIS TRIPLE SALCHOW
AND TUCK INTO A FLYING MARY LOU RETTON HALF...
(yelling and grunting)
NOW THAT YOU'VE FELT A WOMAN'S PAIN
THE LEARNING CAN BEGIN.
WELCOME BACK, PETER.
LOIS!
I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
AND MY BABIES!
CHRIS, BE A MUNCHKIN AND BRING MY BAGS INSIDE.
PETER, YOU'RE, UH... BRIAN
PUT THE TEA ON.
I HAVE STORIES.
BUT, FIRST, I'M GOING TO GO FRESHEN UP
AND RINSE OUT A FEW THINGS.
OH, FUDGE! I BROKE A NAIL.
EXCUSE ME.
GOD. DAD'S A CHICK.
I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WE CUDDLED LIKE THIS.
I CAN'T REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I LOVED YOU SO MUCH.
OH, HOW DID YOU GET SO SWEET?
WHEN I WAS BORN, MY MOMMY DUNKED ME IN A BARREL OF SUGAR.
OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
HUH? YES, Y-YES, I'LL HAVE THE COFFEE CAKE.
(phone ringing)
YELLO?
HEY, QUAGMIRE.
HEY, PETER, WHAT'S UP?
NOT MUCH.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
NOTHING. I JUST CALLED TO TALK.
WHAT YOU THINKING ABOUT?
WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I THINKING ABOUT?
YOU CALLED ME.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU D...?
SOMETIMES I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
WE COULD MAKE SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL.
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS FATHER.
BOY, I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE HARD WORK YOU DID
GIVING BIRTH AND MOTHERING OUR KIDS.
(sighing)
I'LL NEVER KNOW THAT JOY.
PETER, I'M SURE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT MOTHER
IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE.
YOU THINK SO?
I KNOW SO.
(sucking)
(quivering gasps)
(gagging)
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THESE DAYS
I'M GOING TO NEED THE MIRROR.
OH, BEANS! I CAN'T GET THIS SPIT CURL TO...
LOIS, WHAT... WHAT DAY IS IT?
THURSDAY.
OH, MY GOD.
OH. MY. GOD. I'M LATE.
IF YOU SPENT LESS TIME FIXING YOUR HAIR...
NO, LOIS, I'M "LATE" LATE.
DO WE STILL HAVE THAT PREGNANCY TEST?
ARE YOU INSANE?
YOU CAN'T HAVE A BABY.
WELL, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF OPTIONS.
I'M CATHOLIC!
GOD, I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPY!
OH. OH, OH, THIS IS JUST GREAT.
NOW MY OWN WIFE IS FORCED TO COOK DINNER
FOR HER LOUSY HUSBAND?
PETER,YOU'REMY HUSBAND.
AT LEAST YOU USED TO BE.
OH, MOTHER, I COME BEARING A GIFT.
I'LL GIVE YOU HINT.
IT'S IN MY DIAPER, AND IT'S NOT A TOASTER.
MEG, CAN YOU CHANGE STEWIE?
FINE. BUT THIS TIME, IF A BOY CALLS
PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM I'M WRIST-DEEP IN POOPY.
HONEY, I'M GLAD YOU DISCOVERED YOUR FEMININE SIDE
BUT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FORGET ABOUT MINE.
REMEMBER THIS? HUH?
REMEMBER?
OH, MY GOD, THAT REMINDS ME.
I GOT TO GET MYSELF A BREAST EXAM.
UH-OH. UH-OH.
A LUMP. A LUMP.
OH, GOD. OH, GOD... NOPE. CHEE-TO.
(chuckling): LOIS.
HOW EXPECTED.
HI, GLEN. I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
IS THIS A BAD TIME?
IT'S NEVER A BAD TIME
WHEN YOU'RE WITH THE "Q" MAN.
(laughing)
COME ON IN.
WELL, AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED
PETER'S BEEN ACTING A LITTLE DIFFERENT LATELY.
IT WAS REFRESHING AT FIRST, BUT NOW...
WELL, HE DOESN'T EVEN TREAT ME LIKE A WOMAN ANYMORE.
UH-UH, I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING, LOIS
AND I'M ALREADY SEMI-THERE. OH!
('50s-style jazzy music playing)
ANYWAYS, GLEN, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU AND CLEVELAND
COULD HELP CHANGE PETER BACK TO THE WAY HE WAS.
OF COURSE THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.
DON'T WORRY, LOIS.
I'D DO EVERYTHING TO YOU.
WHAT?
I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.
COME ON, CLEVELAND
IF WE'RE GOING TO RE-MASCULATE PETER
WE NEED TO SURROUND HIM WITH CHICKS.
LET'S BLOW THIS SAUSAGEFEST
AND HIT THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF TAIL.
NO. HE NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO RESPECT HIS FELLOW MAN.
THAT'S WHAT THIS MARCH IS ALL ABOUT--
RESPECT FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN.
I CAN'T RESPECT MEN.
MEN ARE THE REASON OUR WORLD IS IN SUCH LOUSY SHAPE.
IF MEN WERE AS CARING AS WOMEN
WE WOULDN'T HAVE CRIME OR VIOLENCE.
MY BROTHERS, WE NEED TO STAND TOGETHER...
EXCUSE ME.
I'D LIKE TO SAY A COUPLE OF TRUTHS
TO THE MEN IN THIS AUDIENCE.
IT'SYOURFAULT WE HAVE SO MUCH CRIME IN THIS COUNTRY
AND IT'SYOURFAULT WE HAVE SO MUCH VIOLENCE IN THIS COUNTRY.
YOU ARE RUINING OUR SOCIETY, AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
LOOK, I DON'T CARE HOW MANY LETTERS WE GOT TO WRITE.
THE VIEWSHOULD BE ON FOR THREE HOURS.
I MEAN, YOU JUST GET GOING, AND BOOM, IT'SNEWS AT NOON.
CAN WE GO SOON?
NOT YET. GLORIA IRONBOX AND CAMILLE PAGLIA
ARE GOING TO WHIP IT OUT AND SEE WHOSE IS BIGGER.
PETER, I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.
GLORIA. THIS IS MY LIFE PARTNER, LOIS.
I'M HISWIFE.
HIS WIFE. YES.
PETER TELLS ME YOU DON'T HAVE A CAREER OF YOUR OWN.
OH, NO. LIFE OUTSIDE MY KITCHEN
IS SO BRIGHT AND SCARY.
I'M JUST HERE BECAUSE YOU CAUGHT ME BETWEEN PREGNANCIES.
WELL, I'M SORRY YOU'RE SO HOSTILE
TOWARDS SOMEONE WHO'S FIGHTING SO A WOMAN LIKE YOU
CAN BECOME MORE THAN JUST A HOUSEWIFE.
(chuckling): OH. "JUST A HOUSEWIFE."
LOOK, I'M ALL FOR EQUALITY, BUT IF YOU ASK ME
FEMINISM IS ABOUT CHOICE.
I CHOOSE TO BE A WIFE AND MOTHER.
AND NOW, I'M CHOOSING TO END THIS CONVERSATION.
(chuckling): NO WONDER YOUR HUSBAND DIDN'T RESPECT WOMEN.
EXCUSE ME?
I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW SCREWED UP YOUR KIDS MUST BE.
YOU ***!
* TEN BANANA CREAM PIES.
HOLY CRAP, THIS IS HOT.
LOIS, WE GOT TO GO.
AH!
THAT WAS WONDERFUL.
WHO SAID THAT?
OH, HEY, LOIS.
I'M STARVING.
HOW ABOUT A SANDWICH?
(chuckling)
GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK, PETER.
LOIS, LESS TALKEE, MORE FETCHEE.
I'M JUST GOING TO ASSUME THAT'S CHINESE
FOR "I LOVE YOU."
* COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR
*COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR*
* TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW...
[Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION