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(woman, amplified voice) AT FULL BLOOM,
YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ROXY. SHE IS AMAZING.
(chuckles) LOOK AT US.
WE ARE THE "CHARLIE'S ANGELS" OF HOT UNDIES.
HEY, I GET TO BE JACLYN SMITH.
WHO NEEDS CLASS WHEN YOU GOT SASS?
LADIES, MAKE YOUR MAN'S NIGHT IN THE REV IT UP BUSTIER,
AVAILABLE IN MEDIUM, LARGE
AND FULL BLOOM! WHAT?!
BADONKADONK!
CHERYL'S IN THE KITCHEN TAKING ORDERS,
SO GET THOSE CHECKBOOKS READY. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. WHAT?!
UNH! UNH!
OOH, HONEY, YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO ORDER THAT IN AMETHYST.
WITH YOUR EYES AND THAT HAIR? OOH, HONEY.
WHOO!
(woman) RIGHT HERE.
OH, LADIES. GIVE IT UP FOR JENNY!
SO YOU'VE GOT THE VA VA VOOM MERRY WIDOW IN PEACOCK
AND RED FISHNET THIGH-HIGHS. EXCELLENT CHOICE.
I CAN DO A RUSH.
NOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE THIS DELIVERED
DEFINITELY HOME.
I'M WITH A BUNCH OF GIRLS FROM THE STATION.
OH. "BARBARA MACK."
UH, ANY RELATION TO SERGEANT MACK?
ONLY BY MARRIAGE. HE'S MY EX.
YEP. I'VE HEARD PLENTY ABOUT YOU.
SO THIS IS THE INFAMOUS WEST NEST?
WELL...
DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU'VE HEARD.
I'LL HAVE THIS TO YOU BY FRIDAY.
PLEASE DO.
I'VE GOT A WEEKEND.
(Roxy) ♪ BOOMIN', BOOMIN' IN THE BOOT-AY ♪
UNH! YEAH.
MAKE THE MOST OF WHAT YOU GOT.
EVEN IF WHAT YOU GOT IS A WHOLE LOT! YEAH.
IT'S OKAY. JUST BREATHE. (exhales) HEE. HEE. WHO-WHO.
OH, MY GOSH. THERE'S, LIKE, SO MUCH FAT
AND, LIKE, CELLULITE AND THONGS EVERYWHERE,
AND EVERYONE'S SO HAPPY ABOUT IT.
HONEY, YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN GORGEOUS UP THERE,
MOM, TRUST ME.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN YOUR FAT GIRL UNDERWEAR, OKAY?
DON'T WORRY.
MOM, DON'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.
I HAVE MY FIRST MODELING JOB TOMORROW NIGHT.
THIS IS REALLY FREAKING ME OUT.
IT'S ACTUALLY THE MUSIC I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH.
SERIOUSLY, A PUN?
HEY, BE HAPPY FOR ME, OKAY?
IT'S SOMETHING I CAN BE SUCCESSFUL AT FOR ONCE.
(Roxy) GET CRAZY!
(laughs)
UNH! LOOK AT THAT, BABY. WORKIN' THAT BOOT-AY!
♪♪♪
THEY, LIKE, PARADE AROUND IN THEIR UNDERWEAR
IN OUR LIVING ROOM,
ONLY MOST OF 'EM ARE MOM'S AGE AND A LOT OF 'EM ARE FAT.
IF I WERE IN HELL, THIS IS HOW THEY WOULD TORTURE ME.
NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN, THE HENS ARE TAKING OVER.
WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN ANYTIME SOON.
NOT IF NOBODY'S WORKING ON IT.
WELL, LOGAN'S WORKING ON IT.
NOT ANYMORE. HE SAID IT'S, UH, "DETRIMENTAL" TO HIS "CAREER."
SOMETHING ABOUT THE JUDGE'S NEPHEW WORKING AT HIS FIRM.
OH, THAT IS SUCH CRAP.
I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE LET HIM WORK ON YOUR CASE.
I TOLD MOM WE SHOULDN'T...
IT IS WHAT IT IS.
WELL, WE'LL JUST GET SOMEBODY ELSE. ALL RIGHT?
WITH WHAT, CHERYL'S *** FOR BAGGY BUTTS?
THE ONLY THING YOU GUYS GOT RIGHT NOW IS THE HOUSE,
AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU'RE SELLING THAT,
SO WE SIT AND WE WAIT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY, DAD.
LISTEN TO ME. WE'RE GONNA GET YOU OUTTA HERE.
I PROMISE.
♪♪♪
YEAH.
I COULD GO FOR SOME KUNG PAO.
...IS JUST SO IMPRESSIVE TO ME.
WELL, I ASSURE YOU YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS...
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? UM...
I THINK I'VE GOT SOMETHING HERE I COULD NIBBLE ON.
SOMETHING JUST CAME UP I HAVE TO REVISIT. YOU, TOO.
EXCUSE ME.
I THINK YOU KNOW MY BROTHER, CAL WEST?
LOOK AT THAT.
THERE ARE TWO OF YOU.
YEAH, I'M HIS-- I'M HIS BROTHER LOGAN.
I HEARD YOU WERE HERE TO MEET WITH STIERSON TODAY.
I WANTED TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. CAL SPEAKS SO HIGHLY OF YOU.
I LIKE TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION.
(chuckles) WELL, THAT YOU DO.
YOU LOOK DIFFERENT.
I'M HEADING OUT FOR A SWIM.
♪♪♪
ANYWAY, UM, I KNOW YOU JUST HAD A MEETING WITH MR. STIERSON,
BUT IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO FOR YOU PERSONALLY--
THERE IS, ACTUALLY. YOU CAN APOLOGIZE.
I'M SORRY. FOR WHAT?
(chuckles) AND HERE I THOUGHT I MADE AN IMPRESSION.
BELIEVE ME, I WAS IMPRESSED.
LISTEN, I KNOW IT WASN'T RIGHT.
BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT,
AT LEAST YOU ENDED UP WITH THE BETTER BROTHER.
I DIDN'T "END UP" WITH ANYONE, DID I?
(elevator bell dings)
(indistinct conversations)
♪♪♪
HEY, WATCH THE CHOPSTICKS, HONOLULU.
WHAT? WHAT IS SO FUNNY?
YOU GOT SOME CRACK YOU WANNA MAKE ABOUT PONZU SAUCE?
YOU'RE PRETTY CRANKY FOR A MERMAID.
I GUESS YOU ARE KINDA OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT.
I CAN'T. I GOT, LIKE, AN HOUR TILL THE OCTOPUS SHOWS UP.
WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU DETECTIVE RICK HARDY?
I'M GRANT WILBY.
MY DAD LOVES YOUR SHOW, MAN. HE ALMOST BOUGHT
THAT JACKET YOU WEAR BECAUSE YOU LOOK SO BADASS IN IT.
YEAH. NO, IT WAS THAT, TOO. YOU KNOW, THAT, UM,
THAT SPECIAL YOU DID ABOUT CASTLES IN IRELAND?
AND LOOK AT YOU NOW.
(scoffs) YEAH. I'M REALLY LAUNCHING MY CAREER HERE
WITH THESE SHINY OVEN MITTS ON MY ***.
HEY, YOU KNOW, I'M PITCHING A NEW REALITY SHOW
WITH MY PRODUCING PARTNER-- "WHAT'S HOT IN PALM SPRINGS?"--
AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR A CO-HOST.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT.
I BET I COULD KNOCK OFF EARLY.
AND SO ONE DAY... (smacks lips)
HIS BROTHER COMES TO THE CIRCUS TO VISIT HIM
AND SAYS, "FRANK, HAVE I GOT A JOB FOR YOU.
"YOU'RE GONNA GET TO WEAR A SUIT AND A TIE.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A NICE DESK AND A BEAUTIFUL CORNER OFFICE."
AND FRED LOOKS AT HIM.
AND FRED, OF COURSE, IS COVERED IN ELEPHANT CRAP.
AND HE SAYS, "WHAT? AND GIVE UP SHOW BUSINESS?"
(laughs)
(laughs)
OHH.
MMM.
OH. (chuckles)
BELIEVE ME, I'VE SHOVELED MY SHARE OF CRAP IN MY DAY.
NO, YOU'VE GOTTEN TO DO SO MUCH COOL STUFF, MAN,
LIKE CLOG DANCING OFF A CLIFF IN IRELAND
AND CHASING ALL THOSE BAD GUYS ON THAT COOL MOTORCYCLE.
DON'T FORGET THE NUMBER ONE POP SONG IN SCANDINAVIA.
TRUE.
(chuckles)
MAN, ALL THOSE THINGS THAT I WANT
JUST SEEM, LIKE, A MILLION MILES AWAY.
YEAH, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I FEEL LIKE THAT, TOO.
TRYING TO REINVENT MYSELF NOW DOESN'T FEEL THAT DIFFERENT
FROM WHEN I WAS FIRST STARTING OUT,
LIKE YOU.
HEY, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT I COULD...
BE YOUR CO-HOST?
LIKE, ME?
HEY, IF A SKINNY KID FROM LaGRANGE
CAN GROW UP TO BE RICK HARDY...
YOU JUST GOTTA WANT IT.
YEAH.
WELL, THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVICE
AND ENCOURAGEMENT.
(chuckles) YOU MAKE IT ALL SEEM SO POSSIBLE.
YEAH.
HEY, YOU KNOW,
HOLLYWOOD CAN BE A REALLY CYNICAL PLACE.
DON'T LET 'EM TAKE YOUR INNOCENCE
OR YOUR DESIRE.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU SPECIAL.
I BET YOU SAY THAT TO ALL THE MERMAIDS.
(camera shutters clicking)
DAMN. IT'S THE PAPARAZZI. HANG ON.
(man) WHO'S THE GIRL?
(camera shutters continue clicking)
(tires squeal)
WHOO! HA HA! THAT WAS QUITE A RIDE, DETECTIVE HARDY.
YEAH. SORRY. I REALLY CAN'T SHOW UP IN THE TABLOIDS RIGHT NOW.
HEY, I-I HATE TO DO THIS,
UH...
I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU SEEN BY THOSE VULTURES.
YEAH.
THEY'RE SUCH A PAIN. HEY, UM, I SHOULD GIVE YOU MY NUMBER
SO YOU CAN CALL ME ABOUT THE REALITY SHOW.
(ring)
(woman) Acme Cab.
WHEW.
Please hold.
(chuckles)
(chuckles)
GIRL, I'M JUST GLAD NOBODY THREW UP
(laughs)
MAYBE A LITTLE LESS *** IN THE DAIQUIRIS NEXT TIME.
(front door closes)
SORRY. MY PHONE DIED. HEY, I GOT DOUGHNUTS.
MMM! YES! ALL RIGHT! SO WHERE'S THE FABRIC?
OH, UH, YEAH, YOU KNOW,
I THINK, UH, MR. SINGH GOT, UH, BACKED UP.
YOU KNOW, HE'S GONNA NEED AN EXTRA DAY TO--TO GET IT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HE'S GOT AN ENTIRE WAREHOUSE FULL OF FABRIC.
DID YOU GIVE HIM THE MONEY?
(cell phone chirping)
I GUESS YOUR PHONE'S NOT TOTALLY DEAD.
HEY, BABY. NO, SURE, TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT.
THERE'S--THERE'S MORE IN THE FREEZER.
OKAY. SEE YOU LATER.
(beeps)
OH, YOU'RE KIDDING ME!
HE SOLD YOUR FLAT SCREEN.
I KNOW, BUT HE'S PAYING ME BACK.
GIRL, HE ALWAYS HAS A PLAN TO MAKE MONEY,
AND IT USUALLY ENDS UP WITH HIM IN JAIL.
WELL, THIS TIME SOUNDS REAL GOOD.
OH, NO.
WHAT? NO.
NO.
NO!
IT'S JUST FOR A DAY.
NO, HE'S GONNA GIVE US BACK DOUBLE. HE PROMISED.
PFFT. HE PROMISED.
OH, WELL, GREAT.
DAMN.
(man) ♪ ...OUR WAY TO SAN ANTONE ♪
HEY, TERRY.
WHAT'S UP, CHERYL? HEARD THEY PUT WOLF ON ICE, HUH?
YEAH.
KASEY GAVE YOU SOME MONEY?
MAYBE.
WELL, IT WASN'T HERS, AND I WANT IT BACK.
YEAH. JUST BE COOL, ALL RIGHT?
24 HOURS, YOU'LL GET IT BACK, PLUS INTEREST.
WELL, I DON'T WANT INTEREST, TERRY.
I WANT MY MONEY, AND I WANT IT NOW.
♪♪♪
AND I'M TELLING YOU, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. ALL RIGHT?
SO JUST SIT TIGHT. YOU KNOW, MAYBE GO GET YOUR NAILS DONE.
YEAH.
WELL, IT DOESN'T WORK WITH ME.
THAT WAS MY MONEY. MINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF I HAD HALF A BRAIN, I'D RAT YOU OUT SO FAST,
YEAH? WELL, THAT WOULDN'T SIT TOO GOOD
WHAT BUSINESS? THANKS TO YOU, TERRY,
THE WHOLE THING PROBABLY WENT UP IN SMOKE.
(billiard balls clatter)
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE US DOWN WITH YOU?
SHUT UP.
IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION.
IDIOT.
DUDE, YOU READY TO SEE ME TOTALLY MAKING OUT
WITH GRANT WILBY IN "INDISCREET" MAGAZINE?
WHY ARE YOU EVEN READING THAT? SCHOOL'S OUT.
THE PLOTS ARE AWESOME FOR OUR SCREENPLAY.
I MEAN, TITUS ANDRONICUS
ACTUALLY FEEDS TAMORA HER SONS IN A PIE.
LOOK! MY BUTT!
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE A MYSTERY MERMAID.
WAIT. WHERE'S MY NAME?
"RACY BLONDE." "SEXY SIREN." WHO WRITES THIS CRAP?
(front door slams)
WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR TATTOO DOING ON TOP OF GRANT WILBY?
DOESN'T COUNT.
DAMN RIGHT, IT COUNTS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WELL, HE'S NOT GONNA SEE IT 'CAUSE HE'S IN JAIL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, HEATHER?
YOU'VE GOT ONE MODELING JOB, AND YOU END UP ON THE COVER
OF A TABLOID WITH SOME TV ACTOR.
IT'S CALLED LAUNCHING A CAREER, MOM.
HE'S MARRIED.
THAT DIDN'T COME UP.
(chuckles) IT'S TOO EASY.
OKAY, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS GUY TOLD YOU,
BUT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HIM EVER AGAIN,
DO YOU HEAR ME?
NOW PLEASE PUT AWAY THESE GROCERIES.
AND I'M GONNA BURN THESE IN THE BACKYARD.
AND THAT ONE, TOO.
DON'T WORRY. YOU'RE STILL YOUNG.
YOU HAVE A WHOLE LIFE OF SCANDAL AHEAD OF YOU.
(groans)
MAN, DROPPED HIS OWN DAD'S CASE?
LAWYERS ARE COLD-BLOODED.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT, SO ARE YOU IN OR WHAT?
(Latin pop song ringtone plays)
(laughs)
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SORRY, MAN. (lowered voice) WHAT'S THE PLAN?
(lowered voice) ALL RIGHT,
SO ABOUT THREE, FOUR TIMES A WEEK,
I PICK UP MR. HONG'S LUNCH
FROM THIS TAQUERIA THAT HE LIKES, RIGHT?
(horn honks)
AND I STARTED NOTICING THIS CREEPY WHITE DUDE...
WHO RUNS A COMIC BOOK STORE JUST RIGHT NEARBY.
EVERY WEDNESDAY, HE TAKES HIS WEEKLY CASH DROP,
PUTS IT IN THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR, THEN TREATS HIMSELF
(tires squeal)
S-SORRY, MAN. MR. HONG LIKES TACOS?
IS THAT EVEN, LIKE, LEGAL?
DUDE. FOCUS, MAN. FOCUS.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE TACOS. I'M TALKING ABOUT ALL THAT CASH
JUST SITTING IN THE TRUNK OF THAT CAR
FOR, LIKE, 30 MINUTES, MAN, WHILE HE'S CHOWING DOWN.
RIGHT. WHAT KIND OF CAR?
THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS. IT'S, LIKE, OLD,
LIKE, DAVID LEE ROTH/ VAN HALEN-OLD, MAN.
GOLDEN AGE, BRO.
SO NO ALARM, PLUS, HE PARKS AROUND THE SIDE
DUDE, YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.
I MEAN, IT'S FOR MY DAD, MAN, YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE A LATE FATHER'S DAY GIFT.
SO YOU TAKE YOUR HALF. I'LL PUT MY HALF TOWARDS MY DAD'S APPEAL.
WE'LL BE CRUISING DOWN TO BAJA IN NO TIME.
WHOO! HEY, YOU GUYS!
I SAW YOU AT THE SALON AGAIN.
(singsongy voice) SOMEBODY'S BEEN STALKING ME.
(normal voice) OH, GO AHEAD AND PLAY IT OFF. PRETEND YOU
(man) TANYA, WE'RE LATE!
IF YOU DON'T MIND, COULD YOU JUST--
WE'RE, LIKE, IN BETWEEN SOMETHING.
SORRY. AM I INTERRUPTING, LIKE, A MEETING OF THE MINDS HERE?
NO, NO. WE'RE GOOD.
WHAT'S WEDNESDAY?
THE DAY I FINALLY GET MY HANDS ON THOSE AWESOME CUTICLES?
I KNOW THIS IS THE LAST THING YOU'RE GONNA WANNA HEAR,
BUT ONE OF OUR SUPPLIERS FELL THROUGH,
YOU SAID FRIDAY.
I KNOW, BUT I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE IF YOU
AND SOME OF THE OTHER LADY COPS WANTED TO GET TOGETHER
WE PAID OUR DEPOSIT.
OH, COME ON.
DO YOU THINK I'D REALLY BE STUPID ENOUGH TO TRY
AND CON A BUNCH OF POLICEWOMEN OUT OF THEIR ***?
LOOK, ALL I KNOW IS I'M GOING TO DESERT HOT SPRINGS,
AND I'M BRINGING THAT LINGERIE THAT I PAID FOR
OR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
ARE GONNA START HEARING SIRENS IN YOUR SLEEP.
GOD, YOU REALLY WERE MARRIED TO SERGEANT MACK, WEREN'T YOU?
(siren wailing)
UH, CHERYL.
OH, GREAT. NOW YOU.
UM, I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT YOU KNEW BARBARA.
I DON'T. WE'RE JUST, UM, WORKING ON SOMETHING TOGETHER.
OH, OKAY. WELL, UM, I MEAN, WHATEVER IT IS,
UH, I WOULD HATE FOR IT TO, YOU KNOW,
I MEAN... SHE HAS,
YOU KNOW, HER OWN PERSPECTIVE ON THINGS,
ON ME, IN PARTICULAR, AND, UH--
ARE YOU WORRIED, DETECTIVE, THAT YOUR WIFE IS GONNA
SAY UNFLATTERING THINGS ABOUT YOU TO ME?
(chuckles) NO, NOT AT ALL.
I MEAN, NOT REALLY. DID SHE?
SHE DOESN'T NEED TO. I CAN DO THAT ALL BY MYSELF.
NO, REALLY, I, UH, I'M JUST SELLING HER SOME CLOTHES.
OH, RIGHT, THIS IS THE, UH, UNDERWEAR BUSINESS.
HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?
WELL, I MEAN, WHEN YOU APPLIED FOR THE LICENSE...
YOU'RE ON A WATCH LIST.
WELL, THERE YOU GO.
I'M JUST SELLING YOUR WIFE SOME SLUTTY ***.
EX-WIFE.
A-AND THAT'S FUNNY,
'CAUSE I-I NEVER THOUGHT THAT WAS BARBARA'S THING.
WELL, MAYBE IT JUST WASN'T YOUR THING.
I'M SORRY. THAT WAS--
ANYHOW, UH,
JUST REMEMBER, WHATEVER SHE SAYS,
UH, YOU KNOW, IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO.
GOTCHA.
ALL RIGHT.
(sighs)
LOOK WHO IT IS.
LOGAN. I WAS JUST TALKING TO MR. STIERSON ABOUT YOU.
MM. ONLY IN THE, UH...
(chuckles) MOST GLOWING TERMS, I HOPE.
QUITE. APPARENTLY, HE'S QUITE PROUD
OF THE NEW DIVERSITY IN HIS FIRM.
I HAD NO IDEA YOUR FAMILY WAS CAHUILLA.
UH, WE'RE HALF CAHUILLA, ACTUALLY.
LISTEN... (chuckles)
I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU ABOUT THE SEX.
IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN,
(elevator bell dings)
(elevator doors open)
UH-OH. A SINCERE APOLOGY IN A LAW FIRM?
VALERIE, HI.
I WAS JUST FINISHING UP WITH MS. HONG.
PATTY HONG, THIS IS VALERIE BOTTOMS...
HELLO.
MY GIRLFRIEND.
NICE TO MEET YOU, VALERIE.
PATTY WAS JUST-- (clears throat)
MS. HONG WAS JUST HERE ON, UH, BUSINESS WITH MR. STIERSON.
ESTATE PLANNING.
UH, AND IDENTITY THEFT.
MY GOODNESS. SOMEONE STOLE YOUR IDENTITY?
NO. NO, SOMEONE ELSE'S.
(elevator bell dings)
HUH. I'LL SAY.
UH, IF YOU NEED FIVE MINUTES...
NO. NO, WE'RE FINISHED. HE'S ALL YOURS.
(chuckles) CLIENTS, RIGHT?
(whistles)
YES, MR. SINGH. UH, YEAH, I UNDERSTAND THAT,
BUT IF WE COULD JUST GET HALF THE MATERIAL, THEN WE COULD--
YEAH, IT'S JUST THAT--
(sighs)
NO.
I UNDERSTAND.
THANKS.
THANKS FOR NOTHING.
WHAT ABOUT SOME KIND OF EMERGENCY SHORT-TERM LOAN?
OH, SURE, WE'LL TELL THEM ALL OUR MONEY
FOR OUR CROTCHLESS *** WENT TO A DRUG DEAL.
TERRY SAID HE'D HAVE THE MONEY BACK BY TOMORROW.
"TERRY SAID" AND YOU BELIEVE THAT? HE'S JUST GONNA SAY THAT
HE SAID IT WAS A SURE THING.
A SURE THING? KASE, THIS WAS ALL OF OUR MONEY.
AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN COME AND TALK TO US
OKAY--
NO. I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS REALLY BAD.
IF YOU WANNA SELF-DESTRUCT, FINE,
BUT DON'T TAKE ALL OF US DOWN WITH YOU.
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
BUT COULDN'T YOU HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE?
I MEAN, THIS WAS MY LAST SHOT.
THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT I COULD ACTUALLY DO THAT MADE SENSE,
THE ONE THING THAT I WAS COUNTING ON, AND YOU JUST--
I'M SORRY I'M SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOU.
JUST FORGET ABOUT IT. FORGET THE WHOLE THING.
(door opens and closes)
(sighs)
I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO,
WON'T I?
WOLF, ALL I DO IS THINK ABOUT THIS FAMILY.
WHEN HALF THE GUYS IN HERE
ARE GAWKING AT PICTURES OF OUR DAUGHTER'S *** IN A MAGAZINE,
IT DOESN'T EXACTLY LOOK LIKE YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION.
IT'S NOT AS IF SHE ASKED FOR MY PERMISSION.
WELL, IF I WAS HOME, NONE OF THIS CRAP WOULD BE HAPPENING,
Oh, yeah, right.
WHEN YOU CAME HOME, SHE WAS GETTING A PRISON GUARD DRUNK
AND SHOWING OFF NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF.
LOOK, YOU TRIED, OKAY,
BUT THIS IDEA ABOUT TAKING THE HIGH ROAD,
Cheryl... (chuckles)
IT AIN'T WORKING, BABE.
Well, you know, thanks for the support, Wolf,
ESPECIALLY WHEN I REALLY NEED IT.
(beeps)
(bangs receiver)
(people speaking indistinctly)
(bell on door jingles)
♪♪♪
HEY. DO YOU MIND IF I HIDE OUT HERE FOR A WHILE?
OH, ABOUT THE DIRTY UNDERWEAR BUSINESS?
NO, ABOUT MY THING-- THE PHOTOS.
(chuckles) YES, THE TELLTALE TATTOO.
OOH, THAT'S A GOOD TITLE.
FINE, USE IT FOR SOME STUPID MOVIE
THAT NO ONE'S EVER GONNA SEE.
THAT'LL MAKE ME FEEL REALLY NICE.
I MEAN, HE WANTED ME TO CO-HOST THIS REALITY SHOW,
AND I TEXTED HIM, LIKE, 50 TIMES. HE'S NOT RESPONDING.
HEATHER, I'M THE *** HERE.
DO YOU REALLY NEED ME TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?
THIS SUCKS. I MEAN, OFF HE GOES IN HIS MIDLIFE-CRISIS-MOBILE
WITH HIS UNFAMOUS WIFE, AND I GET NOTHING--
NO REALITY SHOW, NOT EVEN MY NAME IN THE TABLOIDS.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE IT TATTOOED ON YOUR BUTT.
OKAY, SO YOU GOT PLAYED BY RICK HARDY. WHO CARES?
I DO. OKAY? I CARE.
I COULD PRACTICALLY SMELL THE OCEAN
FROM THE BALCONY OF MY MALIBU CONDO,
AND NOW I'M STUCK HERE...
(voice breaks) MODELING MOM'S FAT CHICK UNDERWEAR.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULDN'T BE TOO DIFFICULT
(normal voice) REALLY? HOW?
IT'S CALLED MEDIA MANIPULATION...
"WHERE FAIR IS FOUL AND FOUL IS FAIR."
♪♪♪
JUST TRUST ME.
(whispering) OKAY, THERE HE IS.
OOH, NICE CHINOS.
(zips open bag)
OKAY. IN GOES THE BAGS.
GOOD. GOOD.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
(normal voice) WE HAVE 40 MINUTES
FOR THE BAJA COMBO PLATTER. AND... (pants)
WHY ARE YOU MAKING A-A SIGN? I'M--I'M RIGHT HERE.
(scoffs)
(closes car door)
50 BUCKS IF YOU CAN TELL ME
WHICH FAMOUS MOVIE DUDE HAD A RIDE JUST LIKE THIS.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN. ASK MY SISTER.
"LIVE AND LET DIE," BRO. JAMES BOND.
(whispers) OKAY.
(car alarm blaring)
WHO PUTS AN ALARM ON A CRAPPY CAR LIKE THIS?
COME ON. GET THE STUFF, MAN.
OH, SWEET. NO, THERE'S MORE. THERE'S MORE.
I'M NOT GONNA TAKE JUMPER CABLES. THAT'S BAD JUJU.
OH!
NO, MAN. THEY CAN TRACE IT. THEY CAN TRACE IT.
HEY, TANYA.
OH! I KNEW IT. I SAW YOUR CAR OUT FRONT, AND I SAID TO GINA,
"NOBODY LIKES TACOS THAT MUCH. I KNOW HE'S FINALLY READY
NOTHING.
WE'RE JUST LOOKING AT THIS CAR. IT'S THE SAME ONE AS JAMES BOND.
YOU DIDN'T COME TO SEE ME.
(siren wailing in distance)
UH, COPS.
NO. NO.
NO. DUDE, NO.
IN ONE OF THE LOCKERS IN THE SALON. YOU COME WITH ME.
YOU GET IN THE CAR AND MEET US IN FRONT OF THE SALON. MOVE.
(car alarm continues blaring, tires squeal)
BYE, GINA!
SEE YOU TOMORROW!
(car alarm blaring)
(sirens wailing)
DRIVE SLOW.
(wailing continues)
(tires squeal)
(siren whoops)
(car engine turns off)
HEY.
HEY, CHER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTSIDE? WANNA COME ON IN?
I KNOW WHERE THE MONEY IS.
WELL, HALLELUJAH FOR SMALL MIRACLES. WHERE?
OKAY, SO YOU KNOW HOW TERRY LIKES A LITTLE LIGHT BONDAGE?
OKAY, SO I TIE HIM UP, AND I TELL HIM, "YOU TELL ME
WHO YOU GAVE THE MONEY TO OR I'LL TAKE THIS CANDLE--"
HE GAVE IT TO LUTHER WALLACE.
LESLIE WALLACE'S SON?
THAT KID WHO USED TO SHOOT OFF THE M-80s?
YEAH. GUESS HE GREW UP.
WELL, WHERE CAN WE FIND HIM?
KASEY.
UM...
YOU KNOW,
I THINK I'M PROBABLY GONNA, YOU KNOW...
OKAY.
(car door opens and closes)
(engine turns over)
OH, GREAT. MORE BAD NEWS.
AFTERNOON, CHERYL.
(sighs) I'M AFRAID I HAVE A SEARCH WARRANT.
WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?
YOU COME TO CONFISCATE YOUR WIFE'S ***?
UH, NO,
ACTUALLY, UM, THERE WAS A ROBBERY ABOUT AN HOUR AGO,
OVER AT GUERRERO MALL.
SECURITY CAMERAS PICKED UP A VEHICLE IDENTIFIED AS CAL'S
IN THE PARKING LOT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS CAL?
I DON'T. BUT HE HAS PRIORS, SO, UH, I GOTTA CHECK IT OUT.
AND I WAS JUST STARTING TO MISS OUR LITTLE VISITS.
(Tanya) OH, YES.
OH.
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS ABOUT ME, BUT I'M ACTUALLY A HEALER.
I CAN JUST TELL WHERE'S THERE'S A PROBLEM,
AND I GET IN THERE AND WORK IT OUT.
THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
(moans)
AHH. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
(chuckles)
YO, DUDE, DUDE, DUDE. COMPANY. COMPANY. DUDE.
TANYA, CRUZ,
LOOK WHO'S STOPPED BY TO SAY HI.
HI. SORRY TO INTERRUPT,
BUT, UH, WE GOT WORD OF A THEFT OVER AT GUERRERO MALL TODAY,
AND, AS IT TURNS OUT, SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS
PICKED UP YOUR CAR IN THE AREA AT THE TIME OF THE ROBBERY.
I'M SORRY, OFFICER...
DETECTIVE MACK. AND, UH, I DON'T THINK THIS CONCERNS YOU, MISS--
TANYA LETERRE, AND I WORK AT THE GUERRERO MALL
AT THE FRENCH SILK NAIL SALON, AND CAL AND CRUZ
"A LITTLE BIT AGO"?
AND, UH, HOW LONG WERE YOU THERE?
20, 30, 45.
I TAKE A WHILE TO GET READY.
BUT YOU COULD CHECK WITH GINA, THE STORE MANAGER.
UM, SHE SAW ME--ME, TOO.
(cell phone rings)
(growls)
(rings and beeps)
MACK.
YEAH, I KNOW.
MM-HMM. YEAH, I'M LEAVING NOW.
ALL RIGHT, THEN. WELL, THERE WE HAVE IT.
(Cruz) FRENCH.
NO. NO, I THINK I'M OKAY.
BUT, UH, I'LL HANG ON TO THIS JUST IN CASE.
SEE YA.
BYE.
(front door opens and closes)
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.
RIGHT NOW, I DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW ABOUT THIS.
I WANNA KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND LUTHER WALLACE.
WHAT, THE KID WITH THE M-80s?
YEAH, HE DOESN'T, UH, DEAL WITH M-80s ANYMORE, YOU KNOW?
IT'S NOTHING. HE'S JUST INTO DRUGS.
YOU KNOW, WE--WE-- WE DON'T DEAL WITH HIM.
NO, I'M NOT DOING A DRUG DEAL.
NOW YOU WANNA ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR AFTERNOON
YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT,
I CAN GIVE YOU A REALLY GOOD FOOT MASSAGE.
NO. HEY, MA, I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA MAKE SOME--
THANK YOU, CAL.
(cell phone beeps)
WHEW.
(exhales deeply)
OKAY, WAIT A SECOND.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THIS AS AN ASSIGNMENT FROM TYRA.
(exhales)
OKAY. I'M READY.
(camera shutter clicking)
I WAS LYING ON DISPLAY IN A MERMAID COSTUME,
MM.
GRANT WILBY WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO ACTUALLY SPOKE TO ME,
SO LIKE MY MODELING, IT BEGAN WITH COMMUNICATION.
UH, MIA?
THERE'S A REASON WE CAME TO YOU AND NOT "CELEBWHORE."
YOUR BLOG IS ABOUT WOMEN FINDING THEIR AUTHENTIC JOURNEY
AND CLAIMING THEIR TRUE POWER.
HEATHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PUT YOUR TOP BACK ON.
(scoffs) GOSH.
THIS IS ABOUT ROMANCE.
RIELLE HUNTER, BUT WITH CLASS.
NO, I GOTCHA. GO ON.
BY THE END OF THE NIGHT, GRANT COULD SEE I WAS NO MERMAID,
AND I KNEW HE WAS NO RICK HARDY.
WE WERE JUST TWO PEOPLE FINDING EACH OTHER IN AN EMPTY SEA.
OOH, YOU'RE GOOD.
I KNOW. TOO BAD I'M NOT CYNICAL ENOUGH TO DO THIS FULL-TIME.
AND THEN SAY SOME STUFF ABOUT HOW HURT SHE WAS
WHEN SHE FOUND OUT GRANT WAS MARRIED,
AND EVEN THOUGH SHE WOULD NEVER WANT TO HURT HIS WIFE,
HER FEELINGS WILL NEVER CHANGE BECAUSE "LOVE IS NOT LOVE
WHICH ALTERS WHEN IT ALTERATION FINDS."
PRETTY. IS THAT RIHANNA?
(chuckles)
(car engine turns off)
(men speaking indistinctly)
MM!
(man grunts)
(grunting)
MM! MM! MM!
SHH!
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU--
(whispering) BE... QUIET.
ALL RIGHT?
(men speaking indistinctly)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OKAY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE
MY BUSINESS PARTNER GAVE OUR MONEY TO HER BOYFRIEND,
AND IT ENDED UP WITH LUTHER WALLACE.
(laughs)
YEAH, KEEP LAUGHING. THAT'S YOUR WIFE'S MONEY IN THERE.
EX-WIFE. (sighs)
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
AT THE MOMENT,
(whispers) WHAT?
YEAH, THERE'S 20 COPS AROUND THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
WE'VE BEEN SETTING THIS UP FOR OVER A YEAR,
20 COPS?
YEAH.
FOR LITTLE LUTHER? WOW. HE HAS GROWN UP.
HOLD ON.
(man) Sergeant Mack, what's your status?
YEAH, I HAD TO MAKE AN INTERCEPTION.
NO, WE'RE GOOD. (sighs)
IS IT REALLY NECESSARY FOR YOU TO LAY ON TOP OF ME?
YES.
WHY?
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA PULL.
I HAVEN'T FIGURED YOU OUT YET.
I'M NOT THAT HARD TO FIGURE OUT.
YEAH?
WELL, YOU'RE A LOT MORE COMPLICATED THAN YOU SEEM.
(men speaking indistinctly)
(man) We're in position and ready to move in.
YEAH. COPY THAT.
WE'RE GOOD TO GO.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA GO NOW.
STAY DOWN.
GOOD.
OH, WAIT. TRY NOT TO SHOOT LUTHER.
HIS MOM AND I WERE DEN MOTHERS.
OKAY.
(instrumental piano music playing)
I HAVE TWO MINUTES.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO ATTEMPT ANOTHER APOLOGY,
I SUGGEST YOU START WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
I'M NOT GONNA APOLOGIZE
'CAUSE I'M NOT SORRY.
EVER SINCE WE SPENT THAT NIGHT TOGETHER,
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.
THEN YOU CAME INTO THE FIRM,
AND I THOUGHT A LOT OF THINGS,
BUT "SORRY" WASN'T ONE OF THEM.
(music continues)
I APPRECIATE YOU BEING SO DIRECT.
ARE WE FINISHED?
(music continues)
(sniffles)
(stool scrapes floor)
(car engine turns over)
(indistinct conversations)
WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?
FOLLOW ME.
(car door closes)
(car engine turns over)
(car door opens)
(car door closes)
(engine turns over)
TURN AROUND.
(police radio chatter)
(camera shutter clicks)
(radio chatter continues)
(Mack) SO DOES HE LOOK LIKE YOU REMEMBER?
HE WAS SUCH A GOOD WEBELO.
(man speaks indistinctly)
I'M GUESSING HE NEVER MADE IT TO EAGLE SCOUT.
HIS MOTHER MUST BE SICK.
WELL, IN MY EXPERIENCE,
THE MOTHERS ARE ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW,
AND EVEN THEN, THEY DON'T BELIEVE IT.
OH, YEAH. SURE.
I'M GOIN' INSIDE.
(men speaking indistinctly, police radio chatter)
THE EVIDENCE COUNT.
ALL RIGHT.
I GUESS THAT MEANS I'M NOT GETTING MY MONEY BACK.
(sighs)
WHAT EXACTLY WAS YOUR PLAN HERE, ANYWAY?
JUST GONNA KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND ASK NICELY?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
ONLY I WASN'T GONNA BE SO NICE.
(laughs)
YOU ARE SOMETHING ELSE, CHERYL WEST, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
WELL, DO ME A FAVOR.
TELL YOUR WIFE THAT SHE'S NOT GONNA GET HER SLUTTY ***
EX-WIFE.
AND I'M PRETTY SURE SHE'D PREFER I NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS,
YOU KNOW, SEEING HOW IT WASN'T MY KINDA THING?
OH. I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
THAT WAS OUT OF LINE.
(laughs) NO, NO. YOU WERE RIGHT.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
YOU GET TOGETHER WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG.
YOU THINK YOU'LL ALWAYS BE THAT PERSON YOU WERE WHEN YOU MET.
(car door closes)
YOU'RE NOT.
(officers speaking indistinctly)
UM, WELL...
UH, I... I BETTER...
THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE AND, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.
(engine turns over)
(keyboard keys click, siren whoops)
(police radio chatter)
HEY.
YEAH, UH, I'M GONNA NEED A RECOUNT.
AFRAID SO. WE'RE GETTING TWO DIFFERENT NUMBERS ON THE CASH.
WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE WE MISSED, RIGHT?
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
(radio chatter continues)
HEY, MOM, YOU GOT ANY OF THOSE,
UH, SILK CORSET THINGIES LEFT?
ON OLD, FAT LADIES, YEAH,
(laughs) OH.
WHO WANTS TO SEE THE TRIUMPH OF HEATHER WEST
IS THAT A GOOD THING?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? "MEET THE HOMEWRECKER"?
OH, MY GOSH. I'M SO GONNA GET WORK OUT OF THIS. NICE!
FOR ADMITTING TO OUTDOOR SEX WITH AN AGING TV STAR.
"THINK WHAT YOU MAY,
(whispers) "...CONVERSATION WITH GRANT..."
"WE DISCOVERED THE RAREST OF THINGS IN LIFE,
(whispers) A TRUE CONNECTION.
HEATHER WAS MORE IN CHARGE OF THE VISUALS.
I WAS IN CHARGE OF THE CONTENT.
WELL, I PREFER TO THINK OF IT AS "SKILLED MEDIA NEGOTIATOR."
WELL, LET'S JUST HOPE IT HAD THE INTENDED EFFECT,
(doorbell rings)
OH, IF THAT'S KASEY, TELL HER I'M IN THE SHOWER.
THIS IS SO AWESOME. I'M GONNA BE SO FAMOUS.
I'LL GET IT.
MM-HMM.
GRANT.
HEATHER. I SAW THE INTERVIEW.
I HAD NO IDEA.
OH. WELL, ABOUT THAT...
AND THAT THING YOU SAID AT THE END, "SONNET 116"?
"LET ME NOT TO THE MARRIAGE OF TRUE MINDS ADMIT IMPEDIMENT."
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
OH. (chuckles)
UH, WELL, I GUESS IT'S TOO BAD
THAT YOU'RE MARRIED AND EVERYTHING.
ACTUALLY, IT WAS MY WIFE WHO SAW THE INTERVIEW.
SHE WAS ACTUALLY THE ONE WHO FORWARDED IT TO ME.
ANYWAY, WE'RE SEPARATING.
LOOK, I'M STAYING AT THE HIDDEN PALMS.
SO WE CAN BE TOGETHER NOW.
(clears throat)
I WAS STILL READING THAT.
I KNOW, AND IT ONLY GETS BETTER.
LISTEN, I FEEL TERRIBLE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD SAY?
THAT I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DID FOR ME,
OH, IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED?
VALERIE, WHEN WE MET, I WAS STILL A KID.
YES, AND YOU'VE TURNED INTO A LYING CHEATER.
(whispers) YEAH.
COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST SAY YOU'RE SORRY?
(sighs) I'M SORRY.
(normal voice) I REALLY AM.
THANK YOU. APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
AND I WILL ALSO ACCEPT...
(sighs) PAYMENT IN FULL FOR ALL THE HOURS I TUTORED YOU
TO GET YOU INTO LAW SCHOOL AND PASS THE BAR.
AS FOR THE STUDENT LOANS, THERE'S NO RUSH ON THAT,
BUT I WILL BE CHARGING YOU 7% INTEREST--
1% FOR EVERY YEAR YOU TOOK FROM ME.
VALERIE.
(groans)
(buzzer sounds)
(Cheryl) LOGAN LENT US THE MONEY.
SO THAT'S US AT THE POST OFFICE SENDING OUT OUR LAST SHIPMENT.
WE WORKED ALL NIGHT, BUT WE MADE OUR DEADLINE.
AND ROXY SAYS THAT WE'LL MAKE ENOUGH MONEY,
NEXT TIME WE CAN HIRE SOMEONE TO HELP WITH THE SEWING,
BECAUSE I MAY BE A LOT OF THINGS,
HMM.
AREN'T YOU GONNA SAY ANYTHING?
HOPEFULLY IT'LL LAST LONGER THAN YOUR LAST THREE JOBS.
YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE REALLY NICE
IF YOU COULD JUST HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF FAITH IN ME.
(slaps table)
NO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK.
I THINK THE HARDEST THING FOR YOU BESIDES WATCHING ME FAIL
IS WATCHING ME SUCCEED.
YOU CAN'T STAND IT. IT'S THE SAME WITH LOGAN.
ANYTIME THAT WE WANNA SPREAD OUR WINGS,
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR GLORIOUS SON, OKAY?
HE DITCHED HIS OLD MAN.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
DROPPED MY CASE. LEFT ME TO ROT IN HERE.
SO FORGIVE ME IF IT'S KINDA HARD
FOR ME TO HAVE "A LITTLE FAITH."
(buzzer sounds)
(knock on door)
EVENING, CHERYL.
SHOULD I ASK IF YOU HAVE A WARRANT?
NO.
I WAS JUST, UH, DROPPING BY TO RETURN SOMETHING OF YOURS.
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT IS THE ITEM THAT YOU TRIED TO RECLAIM YESTERDAY.
♪♪♪
(chuckles)
(envelope crinkles)
AND...
JUST HOW EXACTLY DID I RECLAIM THIS?
WELL, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. YOU JUST DID.
OKAY.
WHY?
WHY?
YEAH.
WELL, BECAUSE, UH,
THAT'S WHAT COPS DO, RIGHT?
WE HELP HONEST, HARDWORKING PEOPLE
WHO SHOULDN'T BE GETTING SCREWED.
DID YOU JUST CALL ME "HONEST," DETECTIVE MACK?
(laughs)
I THINK I DID.
WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THE BUSINESS.
OH. WHAT'S IT CALLED?
FULL BLOOM.
FULL BLOOM.
(clicks tongue)
NOW THAT'S SOMETHING TO SHOOT FOR.
(woman) ♪ READY TO GO ♪
♪ YOU GOTTA KNOW IT'S YOUR MOMENT ♪
♪ YOU'RE READY TO GO ♪