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Previously on rescue me
Oh, you're the, uh-
Hot older chick who saved her own ***
in the brownstone fire the other night.
Hey, ma'am, you can't go- No!
Come on!
Get her the hell out of there!
That was awesome.
What the hell was in
that box the other night?
Yeah, yeah.
What was in
that box the other night?
None of your business.
It is our business if
you're runnin' into a fire-
- Nobody's talkin' to you, opie.
- My name's tommy.
Yeah, but you got kind of
a ron howard thing goin' on.
Are you free tomorrow night?
Uh, yeah.
Call me for the time and place.
Frank, he's got problems
with his ***, dude.
So what's the problem this time, peewee?
Looks like a hairy cheese doodle.
- What?
- Yeah, it's orange.
Look, you've probably heard
through the grapevine already,
you know, I-I'm gettin'
married in a couple days.
I've been hearin' whispers.
I wanted to ask you if you would,
you know, stand up for me, be my best man.
Uh, let me put this in terms
that you can understand.
Sheila's the red sox.
I'm the yankees.
I have a hell of a lot more to offer.
Uh, how do you figure that?
Because I come with your children.
It's a lose-lose situation for me.
If I pick her, I lose you.
If I pick you, I lose her and
access to katy a-and the baby.
I'm eventually gonna find someone else.
You choose me,
and you know what you're
getting both in and out of bed.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, chief.
Whoa.
***.
It's like the *** ice capades over here.
Christ.
Hey, agent orange, uh,
how's your peas and carrot?
Won't go back to its normal color.
I'm thinkin' about goin' to the tanning
bed so that the rest of me matches my ***.
Want some vitamin water?
I got all kinds of flavors.
Yeah.
You got any, uh, garrity flavored?
That would be orange.
No?
Got blue, color of my balls.
All right, gimme that.
Yeah, the rac, you know, it's
not exactly a *** wagon, is it?
Needles was workin' that one time
years ago when he hurt his back.
Said he was more likely to get
laid drivin' a pink prius, you know?
But it's n-it's more of
a downtime type of gig, right?
Oh, yeah.
It's sweet, man.
Feinberg hooked me up.
All I do is go job to job
handin' out vitamin water.
I mean, occasionally I gotta get the
thawing apparatus to deice the hydrant,
but I pretty much just sit in the bus
watchin' old bootleg movies on my laptop.
Oh, sh- Oh, shawn.
Cancel his admission for
blax capades, by the way.
You got any salt in the
rig there, ginger ***?
I don'T.
Just vitamin water.
Look, make yourself useful, huh?
Go get some salt
and bring it out here before somebody
breaks his *** neck on this *** ice.
I'm sorry to tell you this, chief,
but I don't believe that falls under my
jurisdiction as a member of the rac unit,
and I've even done the research.
I went onto the department website,
and apparently all I'm responsible
for is thawing and vitamin water,
so-I got towels.
You want towels?
Look, my jewish *** hits this sidewalk
before you get back with the
world's biggest bag of salt,
your *** is gonna make the gaza
strip look like miami *** beach.
I got a better idea.
- I'm gonna go get some salt.
- Get some pretzels, too.
I thought I told you to
shave off the *** goatee.
I'm the lead singer of a rock band, lou.
I have to have the goatee.
It's part of my vibe.
Yeah, you know, I've been pickin'
up a new vibe from you, mike,
and you know what it is?***.
You know what?You can be just as big a
*** without the goatee, mike, all right?
- Yeah.
- You're-you're not a rock star.
You're a fireman.
Yeah, for now, but kelly's
hookin' us up with this a & r guy.
Kelly, the hot chick who
saved herself in the fire?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's sendin' down a, uh-
a guy to listen to the band.
Hey, spics-capades.
And after we rock his world, he's gonna, uh,
sign apache stone to his label.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
She said all that?
Yeah, the-the part about
sendin' the guy down.
Did you sleep with her?
Tom, I'm tryin' to keep the relationship
on a professional level here.
Yeah, ok, so you got a hot, smart,
independent woman with a great ***,
and you're not interested.
Yeah.
Well, it's 'cause
she doesn't have a ***.
I- it's not a gay thing, guys.
- Yeah, well, did you get her naked?
- Yes.
- Did you touch her ***?
- Yes.
- But you didn't sleep with her?
- No.
- Eh, don't get any gayer than that.
- No, it don'T.
Uh, listen, guys, I mean, we were
totally makin' out and everything,
and she's got a slammin' body, by the way,
which I was all over, and
everything was goin' great,
but then I started to sing.
I told you.
Couldn't get it up.
Did-did you just say you started to sing,
- as in singing?
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Was this while you were maybe down there
givin' her a little bit of oral pleasure?
'Cause sometimes when I'm down there
doin' that, you know, I-I'll hum.
But you won't actually ever break into song.
No, it's too risky.
Nah, 'cause unless you're datin' a
chick with a microphone in her ***-
Right, in which case, get right out of it,
'cause the only thing worse than a
*** with bugs is a bugged ***.
- Agreed.
- Now, pavarotti, tell me this.
When you were singin', please, tell me
it wasn't an apache stone song.
Uh, it wasn't an apache stone song.
Ok, good.
Thank god for that.
Uh, of course it was an
apache stone song, lou.
I don't know anything
else the whole way through.
Anyway, she got really
pissed off, all right?
- Well, at least she didn't puke on you.
- Yeah.
I mean, you know, not at first,
but after a couple verses-
- Couple of verses.
- This is unbelievable.
You know, most guys won't
go in without a ***.
This *** needs a set list.
By the time I got to the chorus,
she was, like, half-dressed and
holdin' the door open for me.
Well, how-how did you get her to
agree to have the guy come down and,
you know, in case you
guys are good, make a deal?
I refused to stop singin'
until she promised.
Ok, I'm pickin' up a
new vibe from you, mikey.
Know what this one is?
It's called moron.
Maybe, tom, but a moron who's about
this close to gettin' a record deal.
- All right
- I'm gonna-I'm gonna hit him.
- I know you-
- I'm gonna hit him.
Ok, ok.
All right.
Listen to me.
Little-
little freddie mercury
here without the talent,
you can keep the chin strap
until the gig, all right?
But if you don't get signed, off it comes,
along with your hair, your
eyebrows, your pubes, everything.
- Pubes, too?
- Hairless as the day you were born.
All right, but when we
do get the record deal,
you guys gotta do the same thing.
- Deal.
- Deal Done, done.
- Good-bye.
- See ya.
Bye-bye.
You know, it really is.
It's
- It'S It's almost gettin' too easy at this point.
It's not fair to him, you know.
Let me guess.
Tastes like, uh, formula 50?
Cat ***.
Lay off the bag, puddin'.
I'm cancelin' the wilson fight.
- Chief.
- No arguments.
Hey, look, I know I been a
little sluggish lately, but I-
Your head ain't in it, frankie.
I'm not puttin' you in the ring
with a quality guy like wilson.
I gotta fight, ok?
I got a lot of pent-up *** right now.
Eh, go see a shrink.
If I don't get back in the ring soon,
I swear to god I'm gonna yank some bum
off the sidewalk and beat him senseless.
Come on, man.
Help me out here.
- Well, there is something.
- Anything.
You might have a moral issue with this.
Guy brought it to me last week.
It's a chick.
A chick, like as in a guy in
a chicken suit or somethin'?
No, like a woman in a ***-and-*** suit.
Some promoter downtown told me about it,
but I figured there's no way you're gonna
hit a broad, so I told him to get lost.
I'm interested.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I mean, she's a real fighter, right?
Yeah.
She's a tiger, from what I hear.
She beat 2 guys across the pond last month.
We'd be, uh, wearin'
headgear and 16-ounce gloves?
The whole thing.
No kickin' or scratchin' or
hair-pullin', nothin' like that?
Frankie, I would never let
you do anything like that,
unless you were behind on points.
Look, this is all aboveboard.
It's underground, of
course, but it's aboveboard.
Yeah.
Tell him we're interested.
- You sure?
- 100%.
All right.
I'll set it up.
All right.
Thanks, chief.
Oh, I gotta tell you, frankie, I figured,
you know, with your brain and conscience,
you would have been a
tougher sell on this thing.
Yeah.
There's somethin'
i should let you know
that I just recently found
out about myself, chief.
I ain't really that smart.
It's good to know.
- Hey.
- Uh, hey.
You lookin' for mike?
No.
Lookin' for you.
- Yeah, right.
- Hey, kid.
Hoo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What, do you got some self-esteem
problems we need to talk about?
Not particularly.
Then why do you find it so hard to
imagine I'm here lookin' for you?
Look, I've had the whole older, uh-
well, back in high school, I kinda
slept with one of my teachers, so
- A woman?
- Yes, a woman.
Well, I didn't wanna assume.
Maybe you went to catholic school.
I don't know.
No, this wasn't a priest.
It was a cougar.
And are you calling me a cougar?
No, ma'am.
I mean, miss.
Ms.
My name's kelly, all right?
And I'm not a *** cougar.
You're lookin' at a completely
different kind of animal.
Now, I don't usually take this
long in the negotiation stage.
What's it gonna be, shortcake?
You in or out?
Why me?
Because you seem nice,
and you got that skinny, pasty,
floppy-haired hugh grant thing goin' on.
Last time I'm askin'.
Uh, well, you know, it'S
hold up!
Yeah.
Yes.
I want in.
I definitely want in.
Ok.
Uh, 2 things.
I know you're in a band
with mike, which is great.
I can talk music all night long,
and something tells me you
have a higher musical I.
Q.
Or a higher I.
Q.
In general than
mike, but then so does a sparrow,
so I wouldn't wanna stab you in the face
with a fork every time you open your mouth.
But listen to me.
You never, ever,
no matter what happens, you never
sing for me.
- I don't sing.
- Then we're good.
And, uh, what was the second thing?
Ask your mom to pad your curfew a few hours.
Tomorrow night, 10:00.
Yeah, well, I don't
live with my mom anymore.
I can stay up as late as I want, you know!
Hey, cougar meat, your mom's on the phone.
Oh, ***.
- Listen, if it's any help
- Oh, jesus christ.
I don't think you look
like this opie thing at all.
Thanks.
Maybe a little round the eyes and
the nose and
- when you do-
- All right, all right.
Look, I don't think you look like any of
those other guys these *** think you do.
- Who?
- Come on.
Kevin bacon?
- It's ridiculous.
- Yeah.
And willem dafoe?
I don't get the gretzky thing
at all, but david caruso
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Come on.
He's handsome.
- Yeah.
- You both wear sunglasses a lot.
He's got that-that gravelly voice, you know?
Makes him sound angry even when he's not.
And he's got a sexy walk about him.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
That's what my wife says.
Your wife barely speaks english.
- What's up?
- Nothin'.
No, no.
Something's up.
You're buttering me up.
- You're doin' a little dance here, tr-
- Tommy, I'm not buttering you up.
I just came to talk to you.
You're doin' an irish *** jig,
my friend.
What's the bad news?
What do you want from me, tommy?
It's all bad news.
I mean, look at the world we're livin' in.
I mean, the palestinians
might have nuclear weapons.
Lou's gettin' married and wants me
to be his best man at his wedding.
Derek jeter is on steroids.
I mean, it's a big black
hole we live under here.
What was the, uh- what was that you said?
Jeter, he might be doin' steroids.
No, no, no.
No.
No.
Not jeter.
The other thing.
Palestinians.
- I heard it on the internet.
- No.
No.
Middle thing.
The lou thing.
The lou thing?
Our lou?
Where's lou?
He's in the kitchen.
- Talk to needles?
- Yeah.
He tell you about the david caruso thing?
What?
I was watchin', um, tv the other night,
csi: Miami, you know, and it hits me.
You know, during the opening
credits with all those
- fast cuts and that song by the who playin'.
- Yes.
And it hits me like a *** brick
right in the middle of the head.
I can't believe I never saw it before.
I mean, david caruso, tommy garrity.
You two are like twins.
Only, instead of the sexy,
dynamic, crime-fightin' twin,
I get stuck with the complete
self-centered *** twin
who's supposed to be my best friend, but
how the hell is he supposed
to be my best friend when
I'm gettin' married to-to the woman that
I love, a-and I have to think of a way
to not only have him not be my best man,
but to have him not come to
the *** wedding at all.
- Ok, I am so-
- Just shut your face, tommy, all right?
Just shut your fat irish mouth right now.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You guys ok?
- No.
- No.
Ok.
Uh, maybe we should, uh��
- Get out.
- Get out.
So I'm the *** here?
Right?Is that the-that's what the-
because I deem, in all my assholishness,
to tell my friend the *** truth, right?
Deign.
Not "deem," deign.
You deign to tell me the truth.
You lean down from your perch on high,
and you whisper the *** truth
to your merry little minions.
Yeah.
All the little *** fools that
make up the kingdom of tommy the great.
You know what, tommy?
I know.
I know the truth.
She was a ***, ok?
Yeah.
And how does that make
her any different than you, huh?
She was a *** because
she saw what she wanted
and she went and she took it,
and how is that any different than you?
Chasing your ***
cousin's wife into the sack
under the guise of-of 9/11
or some shared experience with that day.
They disappear into a cloud of smoke,
including your own flesh and blood.
And your reaction is to *** his wife.
I mean, what's that about?
Or is it just that, you
know, your own marriage
had deteriorated to the point where
you were this self-centered
father who was drunk all the time
so your wife didn't wanna sleep with you, so
you went, and you, uh, decided
to *** that gorgeous brown ***
that you'd probably been secretly coveting
the entire time jimmy keefe was alive.
Thou shalt not steal,
that was the commandment that candy broke.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife,
that was the one you broke.
She did it to pay the rent.
You did it just to get
your *** rocks off.
That's, uh
You like-you like that?
I- I swear to god- You son of-
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey!
- Get off!
- Lou, lou, lou.
Lou, stop!
Chill.
Chill, man.
Chill.
- Jesus christ, that's enough.
- Come on.
Come on.
Get up.
Relax.
- God.
- Jesus christ.
What the hell took you so long?
Yeah.
Where'd you guys come in from, canada,
- for christ's sake?
- Jesus christ.
We could have killed each other in here.
- You all right, ***?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- You?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
What the hell is goin' on in here?!
He ate all the oreos.
I bought all the *** oreos.
Well, do you want us to get more oreos or-
No, just get the hell out.
Not you.
- Get out!
- They're gone.
All right, look,
here's the deal.
Tommy's gonna come to my
wedding as my best man.
If anything happens,
you're gonna step in as the buffer.
- The buffer?Whoa, whoa.
- Wait a minute.
If this means I gotta blow a guy,
you count me the hell out right now.
No.
No, no, no.
That's a fluffer, ***, ok?
All right, look, tommy comes to the wedding.
He does one negative thing,
one wiseass look, one
snide, sarcastic comment,
anything, he steps out as best
man, and you step in as the buffer.
- Like a pinch hitter?
- Exactly.
You're on deck.
- Deal?
- Yeah.
Deal.
So
- we good?
- No, we're not good.
I've got so much roiling,
simmering hatred for you from
so many years of so much *** that I'm
just gonna put a sock in it right now.
Although, I gotta tell you, be honest.
I
- I really can't blame you for the sheila thing.
I mean, there's one gorgeous woman.
You gotta blow the caterer.
Clean up the kitchen, gavin.
Hi.
What are you doin' here?
Damian couldn't make it.
hey, check, please.
All right, calm down.
Look, I don't know what your angle is,
but number one, i don't date married guys,
number 2, you're way too old for me,
and number 3, 2 words I
believe I've already mentioned-
ron howard.
Thanks.
I'm not eating.
Bring another *** with the check.
Where's the kid?
Ok, the kid is my godson,
as well as my probie.
He just got out of the academy.
He's barely old enough to drink.
He was livin' with his mom
until about a month ago.
He started shaving this year.
He's a baby.
Yes, which means he will happily
do whatever I tell him to in bed
and be ready to do it all over
again in less than a half-hour.
Remember those days?
Hey, I don't get any complaints
in that department, sister.
That must be why your wife is divorcing you.
My wife is not divorcing me
because of any *** things.
No, she's divorcing you because
you're a lying, cheating alcoholic.
Mike told me right before
he sang his little song.
What's your cutoff age?
- Let me guess.
24.
- I don't discriminate.
Age is not really an obstacle.
Christ, I dated mick
jagger for almost 5 weeks.
- Did you sleep with him?
- No.
- Why?
- Why do you think?
He's *** ancient.
I mean, he's got the body
of a jonas brother, but the
face, more like a smothers brother.
So what was in the, uh, box?
What?
The box that you basically put your
life on the line to run in and rescue.
Personal stuff.
Sentimental stuff,
just a couple of bowie
albums from the seventies,
some photos, plus my weed.
- Your weed?
- And my paraphernalia.
The vaporizer cost me a small fortune.
You ran into a burning building to
- to save weed?
It's good weed.
It's-jesus christ.
Must be the greatest weed ever.
- You smoke?
- No, I-I'm a fireman.
I'm a public servant, ok?
I'm drug-free.
Besides, I-you know, I was-I think
marijuana just makes people, you know,
- delusional.
- Oh, really?How?
Well, for one example, it makes
willie nelson think he can act.
Let me tell you something.
This weed is so good, willie nelson
would be doin' shakespeare
in the park after one hit.
I changed my mind.
Let's leave it open.
And why don't you bring us, um-
what do you drink?
Uh, it would actually be easier
for me to list what I don't drink.
Bring us a bottle of your best tequila.
You know, you've got a-a thing,
like a triangle in your left eye.
Yes.
It's kind of like bowie.
You know, he has those
One of 'em's a-is a strange shape.
Yeah, he-he's probably too old for you.
Oh, no, not him.
I would knock him on out cold if I
got within 10 feet of david bowie.
He could be usin' a walker, and I would just
fold it up and do him.
What?
You got kind of a david
bowie thing goin' on.
What?
Well, I walk in here, and i supposedly look
like I just came off the set of happy days,
and then a couple of drinks later, I'm
an aging british rock star.
Maybe I could smoke some of
that *** I got in the box
and turn you into *** george clooney.
You know, I came down here
to just try to make sure that
you kept your paws off my godson.
I came here to broaden his horizons.
You came down here to get him
shitfaced and *** his brains out.
- I'm 45 years old.
- Bowie's 62.
Listen, I know myself well
enough at this point in my life.
We're gonna sit here.
We're gonna
go shot for shot for about an hour,
probably laugh our *** off while we do it,
and then pretty soon, I'm gonna
start twistin' it around in my mind
what you might be like in the sack,
and if we end up sharing a cab home,
I will probably make the first move,
and then we'll be makin' out like mad.
And because we're in a cab,
there'll be a stranger there,
so it'll be kind of dangerous.
And once we get to my apartment,
my common sense will have kicked back in,
and both of us will end up just
going home alone.
You wanna know why?
Because I'm not david bowie.
Mm, you could be.
Told you it's really good weed.
Muchas gracias.
Well
Let the games begin.
- It wasn't a date.
- Oh.
It wasn'T.
It was damian's date.
I w- I was-I went down there to-
I went down there a-as his godfather,
and I should be getting
credit for that, not being
cross-examined about it.
This chick-first of all, she- she's crazy.
She drinks like a fish,
and she's, you know, a rock chick.
I- that's not even in my wheelhouse.
Aging.
Did I say aging rock chick?
Because she was.
She-she is.
Is she aging?
Yes, she is.
She's aged.
Aged.
- Aged.
- Yes.
She makes chrissie hynde look like, uh,
carrie underwood.
Damian said she's about my age
and that she kinda looks like me.
Yeah.
He was here for his
thursday-night laundry-dinner thing.
Ok.
Everybody looks old to him.
He's, you know-how many women has he known?
When are you gonna learn
- Ok.
- That you cannot lie to me?!
I'm not-
- forget it.
- Look, she looks like me, ok?
"She's crazy," which I
happen to know that you like.
And she drinks like a fish.
Let me guess.
You met up with a genie on the
street, and he granted your 3 wishes.
- Huh?Is that right?
- You're so funny.
I can drink, too, you know.
Yeah.
I-I drink a lot of-
all the time by myself.
Whatever.
You, whatever.
You know, I-it's-I can't win.
- I try to tell the truth.
- Oh, my god.
- What?
- Hamlet, shakespeare.
Hamlet.
Sweetheart- Mother-son thing.
You know, these classics,
for me, it's raging bull,
you know, it's on the
waterfront, annie hall.
I
- I don't think anybody in any of those movies ever slept with their own mother.
I'm-*** allen married his
own daughter.
Does that count?
Damian,
me-
like, you think that he
wants to sleep with his own��
That's what hamlet's about?
Jesus christ.
Can't believe scorsese hasn't made that.
Oh, my god.
Would you please be serious.
It is a real psychological complex.
I think you're overreacting,
but look at the bright side.
If it doesn't work out between me and you,
you don't have to join
an online dating service.
You can just
- You want a spanking?
- Wait for laundry night
- Do you want a spanking?
- To come around.
I'm kidding.
I don't know how to
relate to the conversation,
being attracted to your own mother.
I mean,
I'd have to wanna jump in the sack with-
I don't know
- cloris leachman just to match up.
I'm sure it's your over- what?
No, I just-I think that's really weird
that you just kinda plucked
cloris leachman out of thin air.
I didn't pluck her out
of thin air.
She's been-
she was all-on television.
Like,
she was on dancing with the stars.
So I had to pick an old broad,
I picked the first old
broad that came to mind.
No, no.
She was really
hot when she was young,
well into her 40s and 50s,
- when she was on the mary tyler moore show.
- Yes, she was.
Hot and funny, which is double hot.
Yeah, you know, your mom
looked like cloris leachman.
I know.
My mom used to watch
the show, too.
She loved it.
- What's your point?
- Tall, blonde
- Yep.
- Cheekbone city.
My mom was the cloris leachman of real life.
You married your mother
- What?
- You did.
- Honey, janet
- Yeah.
- Cloris
- Yeah.
Mommy.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yes.
I will get up on that internet, and I will
google cloris leachman circa 1977.
Well, go ahead.
Well- I'll dig up-you got a picture
of janet layin' around the apartment?
I- we'll match 'em up.
I got one in my fireplace.
Don't google that.
Hang on.
***.
Wait.
Oh, you are such a cliche.
Janet was a classic choice for you.
You know, she strolls in with her
long legs and her long blonde hair,
and you were hooked, blinded
to every other single offering out there.
Trust me.
I should know.
What's that supposed to mean?
You had your chance with me.
Ok.
When?
July 4,
- summer of '85.
- Oh, god.
I was not dating jimmy yet, but
you were already seeing janet,
except you guys had some
huge blowout, so she went away
to the beach with her family for a week,
so I asked you to the movies one night,
and then I asked you to
dinner the next night,
and then I cooked for
you for the next 2 nights,
and it was just like so
much fun.
We were so giddy,
and we're laughing and drinking, and
we kept makin' plans for
each night as we went along,
and my skirts kept getting
shorter and shorter,
and then by the end of the
week, I was wearing these tiny,
- little cutoffs with my ***
- Cutoffs with your *** peeking out.
Yeah.
I remember.
I remember the cutoffs.
I remember the ***.
I remember that night,
'cause we went down to
lombardi's by the beach to get
some soft-serve ice cream, and
we stopped at the liquor store,
bought a bottle of ***,
and we sat,
and we drank,
and we talked,
and then I tore off your top,
and I laid you down in
the sand, and I kissed you,
and i wanted to tear you
to pieces that night, but
when I went to peel down
those tiny, little cutoffs, you
said you had to be home.
Your parents were waitin' up or
somethin'.
I didn't have to be home.
Uh, you actually just-
you scared the *** out of me that night.
You-you had this look in your eye, and
when we were at the liquor
store, there was that guy outside.
He, like, glanced at me, and
you punched him in the face.
We went down to the boardwalk,
and then you just, like,
grabbed my hand and led me away.
Yeah.
The guy who was staring at your ***.
It was, uh, incredibly
sudden and violent, and, uh,
it's like I didn't know
what you were thinking or
what you were gonna do next.
You know, one minute, we're
buyin' ***, and the next minute,
some random guy's nose is exploding
blood all over the *** beach.
All right, the guy had it coming, ok?
- Jimmy would have done the same thing.
- No.
Jimmy would not have done the sa-he would-
yes, he would have stood up for me,
but he would have talked to the guy,
and then we would have
walked away, nobody gets hurt.
He would have done the right
thing minus the drama, ok?
I needed somebody like jimmy,
who was solid and dependable,
and I knew that I wanted to get
married and get settled down,
and you were just like-
you were too much trouble.
You were too much like me,
and i married jimmy
because he wasn't like me.
He was calm.
He was careful,
and he was gentle, and he was sweet.
I mean, you know, he was really sweet
up until the time when he cheated on me.
I know.
Weird.
He had an affair, and I found out
a year before he died.
We hadn't had sex or
touched at all in, like, um,
***, I di-I-
See, right now, too much trouble,
that works for me,
and I know that it works for you.
All this *** that we've been through,
all of this ***, we can just keep
it at bay by havin' a good time.
Don't we have a good time?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
'Cause we drink and kiss,
and we screw, and we survive.
Look, jimmy may have been the best
thing that ever happened to me until-
and, uh, janet probably was the
best thing that ever happened to you
until you realized that
you married your mommy.
I did not marry my-
We have each other to fall back on now.
Plan "B.
"
Don't forget about my leaky sink.
I didn't marry my mom!
Hey.
Listen.
That-that, uh-
that *** she was talkin'
about at the beach-
No, no, no.
She-she told me
about it long, long time ago.
Gotta admit, cuz-heh heh heh.
You are a *** caveman.
That's funny.
Especially comin' from, uh,
captain calm, mr.
Dependable over here.
Ah, you're right.
That was me,
mr.
Always where I was supposed to be,
even on september 11.
Aw, maybe that's why the marriage gave way.
Maybe she was just bored of me.
Hell, when I was on the wagon,
I even bored the *** out of myself.
Who'd you sleep with?
Don't you worry about it.
All right.
Was it, uh-ahem.
Was it someone I knew?
I'm gonna put some cabbage in the jukebox.
You do that.
Give me another drink, prince charming.
Hey, faggots.
It's a pleasant little wedding party.
Think we could time it so
they vomit during the vows?
Theodore, play the one by the
dropkick murphys that I like, ok?!
- Hey, tommy.
- Tommy.
Well, look who decided to show up.
I wouldn't miss this for
all the whiskey in ireland.
We're gonna need it to
keep feedin' these animals.
Yeah.
What are they still doin' here?
I tried to eighty-six
'em, but they won't leave.
Kid, come here, you.
Get out.
Can you just-can't you
just get rid of them, tommy?
Aw, they'll be kissin'
and cryin' in 3 minutes.
Come here.
Come here.
Irish calisthenics.
Hey, they're your *** family.
Get 'em the hell out of here, will ya?
Candy's in the back gettin'
her wedding dress on.
Yeah, or tryin' to crack the safe.
Hey, you're supposed to be
the *** buffer, ***.
Hey, enough, tommy, all right?
You're supposed to be the *** best man.
I got it.
You should be standin'
up for lou, all right?
So don't be shittin' all over
this, no matter how stupid it is.
A man's entitled to make
his own dumb mistakes.
You know, you really kind
of suck at bein' a buffer.
- It's my first day.
- My lips are sealed.
Pour me another pint, you ***.
Will you please get rid of them?
They're runnin' a tab.
They haven't paid for a
*** drink all night.
Irish accounting.
I got an idea.
Watch this.
All right, ***, listen up!
- Hey!
- Ho!
You wanna stay, you gotta pay, all right?
No more tabs.
Cash on the bar, or you walk out the door.
Watch this.
I wrestled in high school,
but just until I came.
Aw, who knew?
All right, lou, forget about them.
This is your wedding day, pal.
This is a happy day.
Yeah.
Where is candy?
Is that a drill I hear?
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey.
Ok, if we can get the,
uh, little lady out here,
we can sign everything and, uh,
- begin the beguine.
- Yeah.
Let's begin the beguine.
What the hell was that all about?
That's the justice of the
peace and a notary public.
Turns out candy's got money.
She's got lou's money.
No.
She's got a lot more than lou's money.
She's got an uncle who made a tidy,
little bundle in the plumbing business.
Then he gets poleaxed by his prostate,
leaves about $2 million to be whacked up
among his 3 daughters and favorite niece.
Candy's take, about 250 large.
Holy ***.
So she's payin' lou back.
In blow jobs, maybe.
This is a prenup they're signin'.
They both decided to leave
with what they came in with,
which in lou's case is a
cabinet full of bobblehead dolls
and that cake.
Is this legal?
It is as long as they
sign it in front of me.
It's not just legal.
It's proof, proof that ken loves me.
My father never did.
Neither did my mother.
My uncle, he was different, like ken,
so when he willed this money to me,
it gave me a chance to start my life over,
and the only sweet man I ever
knew besides my uncle was ken.
That's why I came back to him.
I thought he might still
have the same feelings for me.
And I did.
After, you know, a couple days.
Yes, 4 to be exact.
Yes.
So 4 days, then you
told him about the money?
No, she told me about
the money thursday night.
I guess she just, uh, wanted to be sure.
Yeah, it was kinda like a test.
One that ken passed with flying colors.
All right.
Well, here are the rings.
I can't do this.
You take 'em.
- I can't do it.
- You take 'em.
- I don't want the rings.
- Take 'em.
No.
Want me to call immigration?
Give me the *** rings.
- See you over there.
- Stop smiling.
Aw, christ.
All right.
All right, enough.
Enough.
Right.
Thank you, my brothers.
He's so happy.
This is too much.
So this is your idea of low-key?
It's not his fault.
I beat it out of him.
Congratulations, lou.
Second time around is the charm.
- Third time, actually.
- Shut up.
- Hey, congrats, lou.
- Thank you.
- What's with the car?
- It's funny.
A buddy of mine's got a volkswagen
dealership out in jersey,
and he gave us a month's free lease,
and we've been luggin' around
mike's band's equipment for a while,
but we decided it'd be better if you
guys could have it for the weekend, so-
by the way, gets good gas
mileage, and the interior is huge,
in case you decide to
pull over and, you know,
start the honeymoon a little early
On the way to the hotel.
All right.
Well, nice seein' you all.
Let's go.
Get outta here!
Have fun.
Get outta here!
Go make some babies.
Guys, tell me, uh,
you know, I'm not, uh-
I'm not makin' a mistake with this.
Yeah.
It's gonna be great.
- Oh, christ.
- All right, drive safe.
- All right.
We'll be thinkin' of you.
- Get outta here.
Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
- Buckle up.
Precious cargo.
Don't
forget about the blue laws.
- Oh ho ho!
- Yes!
- So long.
- Bye!
A year?I don't give 'em
to the end of the block.
I'll take some of that action.
You want a piece of this, sittin' bull?
He don't even understand the bet.
What kinda *** are you?
He's a brain-dead one.
Come on.
Let's go finish up the firewater.
Ah, we sent your parents off like this.
Well, almost like this.
'Cept back then,
the red man didn't have casinos,
so we sent 'em down to A.
C.
Instead of a rent-a-car,
we scraped up a couple
bucks to get 'em bus tickets.
But you know, they were
fall-off-their-feet in love with each other,
true soul mates.
Yeah.
I tell you it was really
somethin' to see, kid, beautiful.
Just amazing, right, t?
Yep.
- Now let's go get shattered!
- Hell, yeah.