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on how to deal with our toxic relatives a toxic relationship is when two people
are stuck in a way relating that is poisoning
to them both our scripture passage from first John builds on
One of the biblical truths we looked at the last week
not missing the grace of God in our lives
if we haven't experienced it we can't and won't extend it to others
because when it comes to loving them
it will take the grace of God
Lets look together at what John says by opening your Bible
or follow along in your bulletin in first John for seven through 10
dear friends
let us continue to love one another
for love comes from God anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God
but anyone who does not love does not know God for
God is love God showed how much he loved us by sending his
one and only Son into the world
so that we might have eternal life through him
this is real love not that we loved God
but that he loved us and send his son
has a sacrifice to take away our sins if you're a
Sports fan you're probably more than aware of
the issue between
Jonathan Martin and Richard Incognito of the Miami Dolphins
I was perched in my
recliner listening to Trent Dilfer and all of a sudden I heard the
word
toxic in fact if you go onto the internet and
type in toxic relationship very quickly
you'll find this comment by Trent Dilfer
And he simply says
that a toxic locker room
is not a healthy locker room it's not a
a healthy locker room for
a team now it's not a healthy thing for a team
for company for group of people
for an extended family nobody wants to be in a toxic a locker room
job
family table
toxic relationships well it's about more than just
dealing with your crazy Harry or crazy Harriet
In your family that is irritating to you oh yeah they
Might have stepped on your toes once but
toxicity is more than that
its two people
relating to one another in such a way that it
poisoning both them and when there is a toxic relationship
as we talked last week we should not miss
the implication of the grace of God
and today in different language but along those same lines John
says that'll give you an opportunity to put
the love that God has given you to work
dear friends let us love one another for love comes from God and when it comes to
loving
them it'll take the love of God won't it?
it will let's get a few
facts about toxic families in order
number one all extended families
families have toxic relationships
you know its interesting as you read the Bible you
read about every kind of toxic family relationship
well its the stuff that daytime soap operas
are made of isn't it
well look at just two we've talked about over the last several weeks
Joseph brother sold him into slavery
Sampson was betrayed by the woman he loved
Cain killed Abel
Lot's daughters ***
we have it all people stole from one another people slandered one another
all the toxic family
stuff that might be represented in this room
this morning
and I'd underscore that is one of the reasons why I believe the Bible it's all
relevant to today's life
because there's a lot of real life
real challenges, real
toxic relationships and how to deal with them
in this book now it's
true that not all toxic relationships are the same
Some are temporary and some are small
and usually those are because
somebody just had a bad day they had a little blowup well
those little blowups have a tendency to blow over don't they?
and we can usually kind of wait those little things out they
seem to solve themselves in some ways
the third thing is that when we run into a toxic family relationship
that is a call for of to act
not ignore let me ask you if you got a notice
that you had some kind of toxic leak
in your house how would you respond
would you just ignore it and let it become more and more toxic no you
wouldn't
you would respond to it immediately you act
you would try to cleanup the nuclear waste
that you found in your house
and we need to be willing to cleanup
the toxic relationships
that we have in our family relationships in our
extended family relationships
so how do we do that how to we detox our toxic family relationships
a couple things number one is we need to
acknowledge
our own limits our own inabilities
It is interesting what Paul says
Paul says you know we are like clay pots in which this
treasure that the treasurer the grace of God the love of God
it stored in this clay pot and a clay pot
simply is a common pot
and because it's a common pot it's also a
fragile pot
We're fragile pots and we've got the
the grace and the love of God inside of us
but we're
crackpot at times
the real power comes from God and not from us
write this one in 2nd Corinthians 12:9
Paul says that my grace is sufficient for you
my strength finds its
place in your weakness
As I mentioned last week when it comes to toxic family relationships
we all have limits don't we? we didn't cause it
we didn't cause their toxicity
we cannot control it and we will not change
someone else
and we have to accept our limits we're not God
because we're not God we're not perfect we might have
said something or done something
because we're not God we should not judge like God either
and we ought to recognize the limits
Of our perception about things
our ability to control and change things
in someone else
and as we accept the limits of our
imperfection and our weakness
the second thing we should do is pray
Pray, pray and pray some more. now
notice who I start with if you're like me
if I have a toxic family member and
I have a bunch
in my extended family
and because of that I want to pray for them I don't want to pray for me
now it's interesting to look at
We're locked into a way of relating with someone else that is
poisonous for both of us
and one way to deal with that is to deal with the toxicity of another person
but I want to propose today that the best way
to disconnect
to seek reconciliation
to I address and detox a toxic relationship
is to start with yourself
is to pray first and foremost
for you
Paul put it this way do not conform any longer to the patterns of your toxic
relating
that is very common in this world
that's the new Scott translation of that
instead be transformed by the renewal of your mind
and then you'll be able to testt and approve what God's will is
his good, pleasing and perfect well isn't that the kind of relationship you want
to have with other people
a good in pleasing healthy relationship
and that begins
Paul says really by the renewing of your mind
now Paul is a good cognitive therapist
and he realizes that our mind
really determines a lot of our attitude and our behavior
God wants to transform our minds he wants to renew our minds is what it says
in another translation
in that transformation is brought about by the Holy Spirit
when we asked Jesus to be the leader of our lives the
life the Holy Spirit takes up a resident
inside of us and
One of his goals inside of us is to transform us
to change us the big theological word is he wants to sanctify us
he wants us to become more and more like his
Son Jesus Christ
And he does that through renewing our mind
I think in three ways
the Bible says first of all the Holy Spirit wants to empower our minds and
then in parentheses after that put
attitude and action, attitude and action
how does he empower us okay first of all we have to put off our old self
we have to put that off we have a
poisonous relationship we've been relating to that in a certain way
an unhealthy way an unhelpful way we have to put that off
the transformation of God
very rarely can it be put over the top up your old self
the illustration I've used before is that
a little bit like me trying to put another suit coat on
I might just be able to get another suit coat on over this coat
but it won't function very well it won't be comfortable
it won't look that good
the only way that I could put on a new suit coat is to take
my old suit coat off
give it to the Goodwill put the new suit coat on
it's interesting how often times we can't figure out why
things are not better in our life you know we're trying to do what God
wants us to do
but it's not getting better these relationships are not getting better
it could be that we're not putting off the old
before we put on the new
and we all have some old the put off
we all have some sinfulness and some unhealth in our lives
and we need to put that off God wants us to take that off to put that off
And once we're willing to put our old self
off so to speak we're ready for what
be made new in the attitude of your mind
okay it's in our minds that we realize that we have some sinful
unhelpful unhealthy things that we have to put off
out of our life
and we recognize wow that's not working we need
something new, something better
and we know that our attitude often leads our behavior doesn't it
and you know when it comes to them
it's easy to have a bad attitude
Because they are toxic
part of this prayer is that the Lord would give us
a new vision
a new perception of that person
and as we get the right attitude then that leads to the right behavior doesn't
it
put on the new self and I know this is true
you will not put on the new self until you recognize that you have some
old
self stuff you need to put off, I'm that way
and once I recognize that I need some empowering to actually put that
better new self into play in my life
why because my old tattered self is way more comfortable
this new self the God has in store for me
you know I got to break it in
and in the beginning those new attitudes, behaviors
way of thinking they are a little foreign to us
they seem a little uncomfortable in the beginning
but over time they're far better
a second element of the Holy Spirit
Sanctifying, transforming process in us
he wants to enlighten our minds and
after that write the Bible
all Scripture makes us realize when
we are wrong in our lives
and it teaches us to do what is right
we need that enlightenment don't we in our lives
that enlightenment does empower us and I'm like you
I don't like to know I'm wrong
in fact you know what my immediate response I know none of you are like this
but you know when I'm driving along and I don't have a
my GPS working and I think I know where I'm going
and somebody from the back seat says
you're going the wrong way my initial response
is denial no I'm not
no I'm not lost
I'm not sure I've ever stop for directions
many times in my life
but isn't it interesting how we don't really want enlightenment
we don't want scriptural enlightenment and simply we don't want
it because first of all we don't want to know we're wrong
some of us have been going in the wrong direction for 60-70
eighty years
and there's no reason why you can't go in a better
direction today
but we're the ones that have to recognize the fact that we're going
in the wrong direction now what I love about the Bible is that not only
says oh you're going in the wrong direction it teaches us how to get
back onto the right path
how to live our life is right here
and as I've pointed out there are very few things that we
experience in life that are not specifically addressed
in the Bible and those rare
things that are not specifically address
there's a lot to good general principle to apply
why because God doesn't want us off doing wrong
he wants to lead us to what is right but we have to
allow that happen he wants to empower us
but we have to choose to be enlightened and the truth is when it comes to dealing
with them
we just want to be right
we need empowering we need enlightenment and then we need
encouragement
I do
and here behind encouragement the Holy Spirit is working in and through us
as the church
that's why Hebrews says don't stop meeting together
as some have the habitat doing that doesn't work well in life
instead gather together so you can
encourage one another
and I know that people attend here because
you're a very encouraging bunch
we gather together and we lift one another up we hold one another up
in fact thats one of the reasons why
you don't get this when you come have you noticed
that's not very encouraging
and I know you get that some places
we do much better when we're encouraged to grow into
the plan and the purpose that God created us
to experience and share with others
transformation is good for us and it's good for everyone else around us
and so as we gather what we really want to do is we want to encourage one
another
we need that encouragement
and so as we pray, we pray
that others would encourage us and we ourselves can encourage
others encourage the transformation
that the Holy Spirit wants to bring about
in our attitude, in our actions
in our way up relating toxic people
now once we've done a good job of praying for us
now we're ready to pray for them
now see if this is true for you
when it comes to the toxic person
that comes to mind we have not
stop praying for you. oh really
am I praying for them regularly
and asking for God to fill you with the knowledge of his will
pray that okay God I want to pray for them
Lord do something with them
and the best something that you could do for them is that they would understand
you're will
in order that you may live a life that they may live a life worthy of the Lord
And may please him in every way bearing fruit and every good work isn't that
what you really want is you want a good
working relationship with others
and I don't know if you're like me but I prayed a few times for
some toxic relationships and it has not necessarily been
for a good work
You see we got toa pray that God will do a good work in them
God does something
positive and healthy in the life of a toxic
person when we pray for them
God wants to answer our prayers
got releases super natural resources in the life of another person
because of our prayers and that's exactly what it is going to take
something supernatural isn't it?
and so we pray for them and as we pray for them
part of our prayer is that we anticipate and look towards the opportunity
for reconciliation with that person and that always requires
forgiveness
and we need to pray that we will be forgiving
towards that other person
this is a difficult passage
Lord how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him
up to seven times that would be a lot wouldn't it?
Jesus said to him I do not say to you
up to seven times but up to 70 times
7, 490 that's a lot of times
why would anyone
forgive someone that many
times one simple
reason because that's the kind of forgiveness
that God graciously extends to each
One of us
God forgives us 490 times
God has forgiven us 490 times
this week
yes
he forgives us and because he forgives us
we ought to be willing, praying for the opportunity
for the reconciliation that forgiveness will bring
that perhaps would not happen without that
and as we pray for forgiveness we've got to pray for two things
number one we got to pray that we can let it go
got to pray that we can let it go let the past be in the past
everybody wants to bury the hatchet when it comes to the
Offense of toxic relationships
the problem is we bury the hatchet and we will leave the handle showing
Don't we?
we point to that handle
regularly don't we
as you go to a family relationship
a family dinner have you notices I mentioned last week
people always bring up your failures from the past
now I have a pretty pagan hedonistic family
and so I kind of have a target on me
when I show up everybody wants to remind everybody else that I'm not perfect
right and so they bring up all the
things in the past drag them
look work he only looks like he's perfect he's really fail the lot in his
life
and have you noticed that toxic people have a tendency to
throw your mistakes and your failures in your face when you gather together
if you get can get them
to gather around the table
and because of that we have a tendency to be willing to
bury the hatchet but leave the handle showing
the kind of forgiveness the Bible talks about you've got to bury the
head and the handle both
and be willing to let it go
be kind and compassionate to one another forgive each other just as Christ God
forgave you 490 time
this week
the second element is this is so hard
I can let it go but don't make me trust them again
now remember when I say that there are things to be forgiven I am not saying
that what they did isn't wrong
it's wrong it's simply not right
more than just stepping on your toes they her you to the core of who you are
and I am not saying that is right or am I saying
let that should be tolerated as I mentioned last week
there are people that are toxic the best you can do is keep them at
arm's length
pray for you pray for them
but as we enter into an opportunity to
detox this relationship it's going to take real
forgiveness real as John put it the kind of love that God has toward us
don't miss the grace of God that expresses itself in forgiveness
it let's go and yeah
it means we have to trust being in relationship with them again
and Paul is right when he describes love
he describes it as
always trusting I don't want to trust them
I don't want to trust them farther than I can throw them and I have a bad back
that wouldn't be very far
but if we pray with expectation for ourselves and for others
we should look on the horizon for the opportunity to reconcile with that other
person
and that will demand a love that expresses itself
In a letting go re-trusting love
and that's going to take some empowering that's going to take some enlightening
that's going to take some encouragement for that to happen
we have a wonderful holiday season
Thanksgiving and Christmas up ahead
and because we will be with family and extended family members
people in our work that we don't really like working with
were going to be with them so to speak around
a celebratory opportunity
and we are to pray for ourselves and pray for them
that we might
this Thanksgiving and Christmas season
instead of being poisonous towards one another
but we might truly be a blessing
and they might be a blessing to us let us pray
Lord as we pray our prayer is a hard prayer
Lord because it is hard work in detoxifying
a toxic relationship when it
specifically comes to a family member because we can't always keep them at arm's
length in fact
Lord your desire is that we would
be whole and healthy
that our relationship would be described as a good work a good relationship
Lord we first pray for ourselves that your Holy Spirit would be
transforming us in our attitude and our action
that you would be enlightening us
to our old self
an illuminating the new self that you want us to put on
Lord as we gather encourage us
today through your Holy Spirit help us to encourage one another
Lord to the end that the forgiveness that you have extended to us
seventy times 7 that we might extend
to those who have hurt us
for those that we're locked in
a poisonous relationship with Lord
you bring and make all things new
Lord give us the fresh start and a new beginning we need with those toxic
family members
Lord we thank you for all that you do
for all that you are and we pray in your name
Amen.