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the Witness Protection Program,
me and Randy
were back in the trailer
and enjoying the luxury
of getting our own beds.
(water sloshing)
Damn it, Randy.
Every night you're climbing
into bed with me.
You got your own room now.
There's a scary,
scratchy noise out there.
Uh like "a bush rubbing
against the door" scratching
or like "the shower cap killer"
scratching?
No one's ever heard the shower
cap killer and survived,
except for that one woman,
and he cut out her tongue,
and until she learns to use
the fake one, it's all just
(slurring):
"The shower cap killer,
he took out my tongue.
"
(slurring gibberish)
(both laughing)
Wait, that could be us.
Grab a weapon.
(soft scratching)
I can't see anything.
That makes sense.
Some say the shower cap killer
is a kid.
(soft scratching)
Ready?
One
two, three.
(both shout)
Hey
Hey
Ever since Joy lost Mr.
Turtle
off her car roof,
he'd been
on a long journey home.
He escaped
from pet-loving nudists.
He participated
in his first marathon.
He got into a little trouble
with drugs and alcohol.
(men shouting, gunshots)
And he saw some things
he shouldn't have seen.
He even took a lover
for a few days.
But now he found his way back.
Welcome home.
I don't know
how to break the news to you,
so I'm just going
to spit it out.
Joy, Darnell,
and the kids were put
into witness protection
and we'll never see them again.
He's freaking out.
Yeah.
Let's put him in his fish tank
till he calms down.
Hold on, Earl.
As long as Darnell's not here,
I've got
some unfinished business.
That was for
ruining my chances
with the girl at the Crab
Shack Christmas party.
Ever since Darnell was taken
away by witness protection,
the Crab Shack got
a little more festive.
Oh, coasters,
please.
I just waxed the bar.
I still can't believe
you work here now.
Just picking up a couple of
shifts while Darnell's gone.
My IRA's in the dumper.
What you and Ira do
behind closed doors
is none of my business.
Hey, you should try something
off Kenny's new martini menu.
He named the drinks
after Sex and the City
characters.
Ooh,
Earl, I'll bet
you're a Carrie.
I don't want to
sound conceited,
but I think Mr.
Turtle
just looked at me
and licked his lips.
RANDY:
Oh, he's probably
just hungry.
We haven't fed him yet.
Hold on there, little fella.
I got your food
right here.
Darnell--
or as you
know him,
Mr.
Human-- left
that for you.
The hell?
"Dear Earl, if you're using
this food I left you
"that means you found
Mr.
Turtle.
Please call me.
"
And there's a number.
Kenny, let me use
the phone.
And I told the jerk, "Endless
bread sticks and salad means
endless bread
sticks and salad.
"
(all laughing, phone ringing)
Excuse me, folks.
(ringing continues)
Hello?
Darnell?
So I'm gone for a week
and there's no "Hey, Crab Man"?
Well, I guess life goes on.
Hey, Crab Man.
Hey, Earl.
So did you find Mr.
Turtle
or did Randy just get
into the turtle food?
I told Darnell
about finding Mr.
Turtle,
so he gave me his new address
for me to ship
the little guy to him.
Then he asked me
to destroy the paper I wrote it
down for all of our safety.
And don't worry, I won't give
anyone else this phone number.
This phone is dead now anyway.
Good-bye, Earl, and thanks.
(spy movie music plays)
You can't just ship
a turtle, Earl.
It's not like a vase
or a person.
You have the address.
Why don't you just drive
Mr.
Turtle down there yourself?
Bruce!
As I sat there, I wondered:
was Kenny right?
Was sending a turtle
via snail mail a snafu
or was I just talking myself
into making me
the priority now?
(clears throat)
Screw this.
I want a beer.
So the next morning,
me and Mr.
Turtle hit the road.
I didn't take Randy 'cause
long drives made him carsick
and the medicine for that
made him hungry.
It was an endless cycle
we both wanted to avoid.
RANDY:
I miss Earl already.
I know in my heart it's better
that he left me behind,
but it's still weird sitting
here at the bar by myself.
You know, if you
want company,
the Camden Men's Glee
Club will be performing
a Top Gun tribute
at the air show.
They're holding auditions.
I am hoping for Maverick.
anks anyway,
but I have to go home to that
empty trailer at some point.
I know what it's like
to miss somebody,
especially when the two of you
have been living together,
but it gets
easier,
I promise you.
I'm Jim.
Randy.
Maybe I can take you
to a movie later,
help get your mind off things.
Sure, a-and I'll try not
to fill up on junk food here
so I can eat a good dinner
at the theater.
(laughs)
(barking)
EARL:
After driving all night
and convincing the guard
at Joy and Darnell's
gated community
that I was an exotic pet
delivery boy,
I finally made it
to their house.
(loud backfire)
Barely.
(engine sputters then stalls)
(knocking on door)
Earl, what the hell?
Wow, Joy.
You look like the weather lady
from channel four.
My name is Goldie now.
Get inside.
I'm sorry,
I don't want
to ruin your witness
protection identity, but
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
our lives are in constant
danger, blah, blah, blah.
I have got bigger fish to fry.
Joy wasn't as concerned
about my presence threatening
her life as she was worried
about it threatening
her social life.
She was having trouble being
accepted by the local women.
This is my signature
Swiss Colony cheese ball.
And for dessert, I've got
a Ritz mock apple pie.
You'll swear it's got
real apples in it,
but it's just
wet crackers.
No offense, Goldie,
but we're really not used
to eating like this.
What do you mean?
It's a little high-fat.
(laughter)
Oh,
come on, ladies, live
a little, it's a party.
Yeah, in a trailer park.
(laughter)
Well, you guessed
the theme.
It's a white trash party.
Oh, that is funny.
And that explains
all the tacky crap in your hair.
Yes, that's right,
anything for a laugh.
JOY:
I try my best to be friends
with these women,
but it's like
they can smell Camden
on my skin.
Joy, you spent
a decade
living by
the hog-rendering plant.
It's going to get
into your pores.
I lived upwind
from Porkweiser.
That's not it.
Snobs like that have always
looked down on me.
In high school,
my mom gave me
a rabbit fur jacket
for Christmas.
I was so proud
to show it off
till one of those
rich girls pointed out
it was a coat she'd
given to Goodwill.
She showed everybody where
her pet rabbit had *** it.
I thought it was
an elbow patch.
I hear you.
In high school,
the rich kids
would make fun of me
for wearing the same
two shirts over and over.
I swore when I grew up, I'd
have a flannel for every day
of the week and I do.
By God, I do.
I still have a chance
with these women.
They haven't decided
if I'm in or out.
If they see somebody like
you here, I'm definitely out.
(loudly):
Look here, drifter,
I don't care if you were
in the Vietnam War.
I'm not giving you any soup.
Now, beat it, Rambo.
EARL:
Since this was
important to Joy,
I knew I had to sneak out
of there before I did anything
that would ruin her chances
of fitting in.
(car starting)
(backfires, engine sputtering)
(dog whimpers)
What the hell
was that noise?
I I think I blinded
one of your neighbors' dogs.
No.
(dog whimpers)
Yep.
Joy, I think I blinded him.
What if he's somebody's
Seeing Eye dog?
I got to get help.
He's obviously
a stray.
Look how dirty
his cardigan is.
Just take that thing
back to Camden with you.
Give it to Catalina;
she can dust with it.
(loudly):
No, I do not have
any leftover mouthwash
you can drink.
Get out of here, you drunk bum.
Randy had a new friend looking
after him, too.
Good idea renting a video
instead of going
to the movies.
I can't believe
there's a Patrick Swayze movie
I've never seen before.
To Wong Foo.
That sounds like it's got
a lot of ***-kicking.
(chuckling):
Yeah.
Here, taste.
What do
you think?
Spaghetti sauce.
(laughs)
Okay.
Sarcastic.
I like that.
Hey, you got a little, uh
Earl used to clean food off me.
You know, you talk
about Earl quite a lot.
How long were you two together?
Forever.
Yeah, I know how that feels.
The hardest part
is going to be sleeping
in that big bed without him.
(sighs)
If you let me,
I can be your Earl.
Awesome!
Sleepover!
(laughing):
Okay!
(both laughing)
All right.
I took the dog to the vet,
and because it had eaten
something called
a tracking chip,
she could tell me
that its owner lived
a few doors down from Joy.
The vet also said
it would be a few days
before the dog got
its sight back.
(knocking on door)
Um, hello.
Do-Do you own a dog named Gooky?
Oh, my Gucci.
Gucci, baby,
what happened to you?
I was nervous
how Carol was going
to react since I knew
how much rich ladies love
their tiny dogs,
so I explained to her
all about my list
and how I was going
to make it right.
The vet says
Gucci's going to be fine,
but I-I'd really like
to make it up to you.
Tell me more about this Karm
Excuse me?
Turns out, she was more
interested in me than her dog.
Carol and her rich friends
couldn't sleep.
It's like their minds
just wouldn't shut off.
They tried sleeping pills,
they tried martinis,
they even considered having sex
with their husbands,
but nothing helped.
They couldn't quite
put their finger on it,
but something
was making them restless.
Even though during the day
they looked very put together,
at night,
they were falling apart.
In trying to fill that void
and get some peace of mind,
they were always chasing
the latest spiritual fad.
They tried some kind
of hot and sweaty yoga.
(ladies screaming)
They tried something called
primal scream therapy.
(yelling loudly)
They even tried
some kind of fast
where they only drank shakes
made out of creek water
and lawn clippings.
(grunts, glass shatters)
Even though none
of those things worked,
looking for one that did.
My friends are going
to love you.
(women chattering)
Everyone,
this is Earl.
He has this amazing
new program called
The List.
It's just Karma.
You know, do good things,
good thing happen.
Isn't that just
a fabulous mantra?
Good things
happen.
And that's when Joy realized
I might be her ticket
to the inner circle.
Yeah.
(clears throat)
It's very spiritual.
Earl is actually
an old friend
guide.
Friend guide.
He is my spiritual guru.
Goldie, you have
to share him.
Mm-hmm.
Oh
of course.
(clearing throat)
Why don't you all come
to my place tomorrow
for a little talky party,
and he can throw some
guru stuff at you?
"Do good things.
"
"Stitch in time.
"
"Everybody walk the dinosaur.
"
Crap like that.
You'll see.
(cartoons playing on TV)
I'm really glad
you asked me to spend the night.
RANDY:
Me, too.
Now I can finally
get some sleep.
(turns off TV)
Oh.
Oh, I get it.
Sleep.
You're right.
You're right.
Things are going too fast.
We should just
slow everything way down.
(slowly):
O
kay
Good night, Jim.
Good night, Randy.
Even though me and Joy prepared
a pretty fancy presentation,
I was still nervous.
Standing up there in front
of all these rich women,
I finally understood
what Joy felt.
Welcome.
Karma.
(clears throat)
The Webster's Dictionary
defines Karma
as, "the force generated
by a person's actions
"held in Hinduism and Buddhism
to perpetuate
transmigr"
Transmi something.
Things started out shaky.
But when I ran out of stuff
to read off my hand
and just started talking
from my heart, it got easier.
So then I helped
the two army buddies make up,
and everyone lived
happily ever after.
Aw.
Oh, that's sweet.
(sighing happily)
That's really nice.
And it wasn't long
before I had them eating
out of my hands.
Not only did me and Randy
do that cheerleading routine,
we nailed it.
Oh! Bravo.
So the woman decided
to give Karma a try,
and number one
on all their lists
was mistreating their maids.
I'm so sorry that I made you
walk all the way down
to the gas station whenever
you needed to use the bathroom.
From now on, Lupe,
mi toileta es su toileta.
I'm sorry I made
you dress up
like Dora the Explorer
at my niece's birthday party.
I didn't think you'd get bitten
as much as you did.
I'm so sorry I made
you work on Christmas,
but the kids kept crying
for Brown Mommy.
Joy, the rich
people like us.
I know.
Carol let me borrow
her lip gloss
and didn't even wipe it off
when I gave it back to her.
Who would have guessed
the two of us would be sitting
in a swanky house
with an icemaker
drinking fancy rich lady drinks
and eating baby egg pies?
Egg pies?
Earl, they're
called "kweeshes.
"
Try to hold it together here.
Earl, this is fantastic.
You know what
I'm going to do?
I'm going
to get you on Oprah.
Oprah?
Sure.
I go to the same teeth
whitening guy as Steadman.
CAROL:
The minute you walk out
on that stage, every woman
in America is going
to fall in love
with Earl Hickey
and The List.
Everything was happening
so fast.
Steadmans, baby kweeshes.
I never felt so important.
How do I let Karma know
I want my pool
before Memorial Day?
And I'm asking for a jet,
but just a little one.
And I'm asking for my ***
to get fixed.
I want to even
these puppies out.
She's got a football
and a golf ball in there.
How quickly does Karma happen?
Because that is going
to be Oprah's first question.
That is going
to be everyone's first question.
Super fast.
Like a week.
CAROL:
Oh, my
A week?
A week?!
Oh, forget Memorial Day.
A week?
What the hell were you thinking?
EARL:
I don't know.
I-I got swept up.
They were coming at me
with Oprah and kweeshes.
You're not the only one
who had issues
with rich people in school.
Well, what are you going
to do now, genius?
'Cause they want
to see Karma work its magic.
They want
to see a pool just appear.
They want to find a
jet in their garage.
They want to wake up to find
that their *** have just
evened out overnight.
Okay, look,
I'll think of something.
I spent the rest of the night
trying to figure out
how to make due on my promises
to Joy's friends.
I was thinking and thinking
and coming up with nothing.
Then the nothing started
to make me nervous.
Then being nervous
and sleep-deprived
started to make me desperate.
Then the desperate started
to make me crazy.
Then the crazy started
to make me crazy.
And once you start
repeating yourself like that,
you know you're in trouble.
By morning, I had lost it.
What the hell are you doing?
I got it all figured out.
What do you think?
I think you
lost your mind.
What the hell
does all this mean?
Oh, it's simple.
We have Darnell get that stuff
Witness Protection
put in our necks
to knock us out.
Then we shoot it
into Janine's neck.
You want to knock out Janine?
I don't want to,
but it's the only way
we can get her to a *** doctor
without her knowing it.
It's all right here.
We got to get creative, Joy.
(doorbell rings)
That must be the backhoe
I rented to dig Carol's pool.
Right on time.
(quiet laughter)
Ladies.
Uh n-not to worry.
Uh,
K-Karma's working on
getting you all that stuff.
But we still got
six days, but
It's okay.
We don't need those things.
� Oh! I feel good �
Turns out, Karma had already
given them something better.
Last night,
the women were expecting
to once again toss and turn,
but something strange happened.
For the first time in years,
they didn't need sleeping pills
or midnight martinis.
They just closed their eyes and
drifted peacefully to sleep.
And they stayed like that
all night.
� Like sugar and spice �
Karma had found something
to reward them with.
Peace of mind.
I guess
I don't need my own jet.
And Carol doesn't need a pool.
I'm always drunk,
and I can't swim.
Probably not
a good idea.
Wow, I'm I'm glad
everything worked out.
I can't wait to get back
to doing nice things.
One of which is being
a little less judgmental of you,
Goldie.
Oh, have you
been judgmental?
For the life of me,
I had not noticed.
(crying):
I had not noticed.
Um, would you like to come in
for some mimosas?
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
I have some champagne
in a bottle.
Joy found some friends,
and I was reminded
of the best benefit
of doing good things.
That having a clear conscience
helps you sleep
through the night.
Yesterday,
after lying about Karma,
I couldn't sleep a wink.
Now that I was guilt-free,
it was time
to reap the rewards.
(sighs)
Good night, Jim.
Ran-Ran, Randy,
wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, look.
I don't want
to rush you, all right?
But we've been sharing
the same bed now
for three nights,
and all we do is sleep.
I want to do more.
Well, there's tons of
fun things we can do.
Me and Earl used to
do some crazy stuff.
Really? Crazy stuff?
Like, uh like what?
Well, sometimes, we'd
get drunk and wrestle.
Okay.
Okay, but we're-we're
we're going to need a safe word.
(vehicle approaching)
(brakes squeaking)
That's Earl!
He came back!
(groaning)
Damn it, Jim.
When are you going to learn
you're not a surgeon?
You just can't fix
broken hearts.
(grunts)
Just promise me you won't
let him hurt you again.
Okay.
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