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LEYLAND: We are so excited, Clyde, that we're going to be
doing this with you today.
LEIF: Yeah.
To be honest with you, we've never really signed an athlete
of your kind before.
[PEPPY MUSIC]
CLYDE: Why?
Cause I'm black.
LEYLAND AND LEIF: No.
No, no.
LEYLAND: Because you're--
CLYDE: What?
LEYLAND: --so thin.
CLYDE: Think a black man can't eat 54 hot dogs in 12 minutes
and still wear size 31 jeans?
LEYLAND AND LEIF: No.
No.
CLYDE: I got to be a calorie thief now, because I'm black?
LEYLAND: No.
We're not saying that you have to be a calorie thie--
CLYDE: OK, guys, I'm just messing.
LEYLAND: Oh.
CLYDE: No, really.
Relax.
Look.
It's a new competitive eating character I'm working on.
Louis Farra-Cannibal.
[DRUMMING]
LEYLAND AND LEIF: Oh, I love that.
I love that.
LEYLAND: That's strong.
Angela Davis would-- is this how you do that?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Guys, we have got a huge problem.
LEYLAND: Why?
Cause we got a thin black calorie thief in
our reception area?
[LAUGHTER]
LEYLAND: It was way funnier--
LEYLAND AND LEIF: --when he did it
LEIF: --earlier, it was like
LEYLAND: OK, let's deal with the problem.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Can we?
Thanks.
LEIF: Well.
She's right.
LEYLAND: Lou Gehrig's pants are gone?
LEIF: Like John Kruk's left nut.
LEYLAND: Son of a biffle.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Galen was just talking about how he wanted to
cut up the pants and put them in card packs this week.
GALEN: Huh?
Was someone just talking about Lou Gehrig's pants?
LEIF: Uhh, you were, Galen.
LEYLAND: We were actually just saying we were going to get
them dry cleaned.
Yeah.
GALEN: No.
That's a terrible idea.
What if they get lost?
LEYLAND: They're not going to--
LEIF: Lost?
LEYLAND: --lost, Galen.
LEIF: --imagination.
GALEN: Listen, listen.
My good buddy, Greg, here was talking about how he needed
some extra storage space.
I suggested your office.
LEYLAND: Are you threatening us, Galen?
GREG: In the book of Job, God said you can never have too
much storage space.
LEIF: Are you threatening us?
MALE SPEAKER: You lose those pants, we get your office.
FEMALE SPEAKER: OK.
That is a threat.
I know a threat.
GREG: No, it's actually all in the book of Job.
LEYLAND: Really?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Really?
GREG: Yeah, I was just reading it earlier.
GALEN: That's right.
MALE SPEAKER: Sometimes the Word of God sucks.
For you guys.
GREG: It's called the Christian pile-on.
GALEN: That's right.
Look at that.
That's a dancing--
GREG: Jesus walk.
Jesus walk.
Jesus whoa.
LEIF: Nice.
FEMALE SPEAKER: So.
Is this the new hangout?
LEIF: Yeah.
Well.
Whenever we have a sports crisis, we like to surround
ourselves with as many sporting goods as possible.
Makes us feel relaxed.
LEYLAND: Do you know they actually have anti-chafing
cream in deodorant form?
LEIF: Umhmm.
LEYLAND: Which Leif totally uses.
LEIF: I need it.
Because I chafe all the time.
FEMALE SPEAKER: OK.
You know what?
I don't want to hear about that.
I don't need that image in my head.
That's like worse than a Goo Goo Dolls song.
LEIF: That's a good point.
Sorry.
FEMALE SPEAKER: You guys, I think Galen is really serious
about your office.
LEYLAND AND LEIF: Serious, wait, who?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Don't.
LEYLAND: We gotta find out who stole Lou Gehrig's pants.
FEMALE SPEAKER: I think it was one of the
CrossMyHeart ***.
Seriously.
I would trust Mark McGuire before I would trust him.
LEIF: OK.
Easy Bill Maher.
LEYLAND: Who was in the Relic Room last?
LEIF: We were.
When we took Rory on that tour.
LEYLAND: This is the Relic Room, where we have some of
our greatest sports memorabilia ever.
RORY: I'm going to make a phone call.
So I'm going to need some privacy.
Diabetes.
Don't forget that.
Privacy.
LEYLAND: Holy Horace Grant.
LEIF: I think it's time we intimidated diabetic kid.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Make sure to bring that
chafing cream for that.
LEYLAND: That's a good point.
Because when he intimidates people--
LEIF: That's when I chafe the most.
LEYLAND: Hello, Rory.
RORY: What's up with--
what the hell are you guys doing here?
LEYLAND: We know you took the pants.
So why don't you just give them back to us, and then we
don't have to talk to the authorities.
RORY: I have no idea what you guys are talking about.
LEIF: OK, Rory.
I didn't want to have to say this, but if you don't give
back Lou Gehrig's pants, you're going to get Lou
Gehrig's disease.
RORY: That's impossible.
LEYLAND AND LEIF: Aahhha.
So you did take the pants.
RORY: Look.
Even if I did take the pants-- which I didn't--
I have diabetes.
And by the transitive property of diseases, I should be able
to have them.
LEYLAND: What?
RORY: Not saying I took them.
But if I did take them-- which I didn't-- it would be OK.
So get the heck out of here.
LEYLAND AND LEIF: Rory.
LEYLAND: All right.
We gotta get those pants back.
LEIF: We're going to get those pants back.
Even if we have to break into that house and steal those
pants back.
LEYLAND AND LEIF: Why?
LEYLAND: Did you just hear the stalker sting?
LEIF: I totally heard it.
Where is he?
STALKER: Guys, guys.
Over here.
I've got the perfect place to hide until
Rory leaves the house.
LEYLAND: Can we all fit back there?
STALKER: Dude, are you seriously
questioning a stalker?
LEIF: Yeah.
Why would you ask him a question like that?
LEYLAND: You're right.
LEIF: That was ridiculous.
That's what he does for a living.
It's weird that you would question that.
STALKER: Do you guys want some tea?
LEIF: Like an Arnold Palmer?
STALKER: We could do that, I guess.
It's like with Crystal Lite.
Is that cool?
LEIF: Aaahh.
LEYLAND: Nah.
LEIF: I do Sunny Delight.
LEYLAND: Do you have Earl Grey?
STALKER: I've got Earl Grey.
LEYLAND: Do you have James Earl Grey?
STALKER: The announcer?
LEIF: No.
LEYLAND: No.
STALKER: Star Wars tea?
LEIF: No, it's not Star Wars tea.
LEYLAND: James Earl Tea is like the--
STALKER: Do you like plums?
LEIF: No.
LEYLAND: I love plums.
LEIF: But I like Damson, which is like a plum derivative.
STALKER: I have Damsons.
LEIF: Oh, good.
STALKER: Why couldn't you just say that?
LEIF: Great, great.
OK.
LEYLAND: Psst.
Clyde.
CLYDE: Leyland?
LEIF: Yeah.
Leif's here too.
LEYLAND: Yeah.
So is our stalker.
CLYDE: Your stalker?
LEYLAND: Yeah, the stalker is really cool.
LEIF: Sometimes he stalks with his--
LEYLAND: He's got great ideas.
CLYDE: Why'd you call me to--
STALKER: Sshh, ssshh, ssshh.
CLYDE: Why'd you call me to meet you in the bushes outside
some random house?
LEYLAND: Funny you should ask.
RORY: I don't want to go there for dinner.
We eat there all the time.
RORY'S MOM: That's because the food is--
RORY: Well why can't you cook?
Why can't you cook ever?
RORY'S MOM: I am too busy to cook.
STALKER: Does this guy want tea?
CLYDE: You got some James Earl Grey back there?
LEYLAND: See?
CLYDE: So I'm just supposed to play lookout while you guys
break into this guy's house, and steal back
Lou Gehrig's pants?
LEYLAND AND LEIF: Yeah.
LEYLAND: Pretty much.
CLYDE: And all your athletes do this?
LEYLAND: Oh yeah.
LEIF: Oh my God.
LEYLAND: It's like a signing--
LEIF: Old timey signing ritual.
LEYLAND: --ritual.
[SHRIEK]
STALKER: You gotta come in here and check this out.
LEYLAND: How did he get inside so quickly?
And how did he get a knife?
Just put the knife down.
STALKER: Chop, chop.
LEYLAND: Don't say that when you have a knife.
STALKER: Guys.
Check this out.
I found these--
in the freezer.
LEYLAND AND LEIF: No way.
CLYDE: Hello.
How much you want to bet, I can eat this whole cookie in
like 15 seconds?
STALKER: Guys, we really need to get out of here.
LEYLAND: I want to see you do this.
LEIF: I got 20 bucks says he--
LEYLAND: Double it.
There's no way--
CLYDE: Fellas, get ready to lose some money.
RORY: Hold it right there!
Arrest them all, officers.
This is a classic B and E.
LEYLAND: Hey, we were only B-ing and E-ing because this
kid stole Lou Gehrig's pants from our offices.
RORY: No, no, no.
They gave me those pants because I have diabetes.
RORY'S MOM: Rory, come on.
You know you just have high blood sugar.
RORY: Mom, I'm a diabetic.
RORY'S MOM: You are a lia-betic, sweetie.
LEIF: Hey, all right.
You know what?
I say you arrest this kid for impersonating a diabetic kid.
OFFICER: OK.
I got something, Little Debbie.
How about everybody's hands up.
And I'm ready to take you all down to the station faster
than Kobayashi can eat 54 hot dogs.
LEYLAND: Wait a minute.
Are you a fan of competitive eating?
OFFICER: Is Sonya Thomas The Black Widow?
LEYLAND: It is on.
OK.
If Clyde eats this entire cookie in less than 15
seconds, you let everyone go.
OFFICER: Pinch me.
I'm in heaven.
LEYLAND: All right.
Ready.
And--
eat.
EVERYONE: Go, go, go.
Go, Clyde.
Come on, Clyde.
[ANIMAL MOOING SOUNDS]
LEYLAND: Time.
CLYDE: And boom.
MALE SPEAKER: Did he get it?
LEIF: No, he did not get it.
LEYLAND: Did not get it.
OFFICER: Jeff, we're going to need the backup cuffs.
LEIF: How much did he eat?
LEYLAND: One 32nd of it.
LEIF: Not enough.
LEYLAND: He was 31, 30 seconds--
CLYDE: All right.
Look.
I think I got the point.
LEIF: He gets the point.